#kaidan/kodee

[crqstalite]

❝ shepard, you make me feel...human. ❞  - kaidan alenko.

[crqstalite]

“Till death do us part. And forever until the end of eternity.”

For kodelyn and kaidan? 👀

had an idea, lost it, and acted upon this one before i could tell myself no. based on this one line i left in aftermath that i just?? never followed up on. i remember someone commenting on it, so i guess this is for them. enjoy.

1,748 words. post-war. no warnings. i think. unedited.

-

She’s up.

There’s no one there when he rolls over. It startles him for a moment, right in between where he’s awake and starting to fade back into unconsciousness again. She’s not there, and that worries him. Gone again. His reasoning starts to kick in through the fog, and he blinks a few times before pushing himself up to sit. She couldn’t have been gone too long because the mattress has yet to cool again, it was however odd she’d be up at such an hour. Not that it was particularly early, the first streaks of pink are beginning to paint the sky in the distance. But she tended to sleep in when she could, the early waking hours were new from when he’d known her on the Normandy.

The shower isn’t running, nor is the sink. Nothing’s missing from where she usually keeps her valuables, her ‘tool bracelet is still haphazardly around the base of the lamp on her side of the bed, half apart from where she’d been tinkering with it yesterday evening. Then she hadn’t left the apartment, at least. Nothing’s been moved in the kitchen either.

Kaidan finds her nursing a mug of probably coffee by the sliding glass doors in the living room instead, leaning against a corner of the wall with a blank stare out and up. She’d thrown a sweater on over her pants, folded in on herself with her hair loose around her shoulders. She looks smaller than he’s ever seen her willingly be. He can’t quite read her from her profile, but she notices him before he can say anything. Kodelyn’s a little startled when she realizes he’s there, before relaxing again with a smile, “You’re up early.”

“I could say the same to you.”

She considers it, shrugging, “Couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to bother.”

“Hey, you’ll never be bothering me.” He says softly, coming around to snake his arms around her waist, “Nightmares again?”

It takes her a beat too long to answer, “Not exactly. Not dreams, not nightmares. Fine for the most part.”

“The most part doesn’t answer why you left so early. Got worried.”

“No, I guess it doesn’t.” She’s not exactly dodging the question, but she’s falling back into the habit of doing so. She leans into the touch, resting her head against his shoulder, “Stressed, I guess.”

“Something going with the reconstruction efforts?”

“No. That’s taken care of for the most part. Something. It’s...hard to describe. All of it just feels...wrong.” Kodelyn’s searching for words, sipping at the mug again while she thinks, turning over her shoulder to look at him. Confusion’s running across her expression, “I don’t know.”

“We can talk about it if it’d make you feel better.” This is the first he’s hearing of it. Usually one or the other of them would occasionally be up from dreams, sometimes they’d talk, sometimes they wouldn’t, but she’s never quite described them like this.

He lets her go so she can pad back towards the kitchen, wincing as she just narrowly misses a wall. She lets go of the mug, placing it down on the counter, running a hand through her hair, “The longest I ever spent in a place? A year. Tops. Maybe a few months on top of that. But this? I’ve been here for nearly two years now.”

Kaidan can’t exactly figure what she’s talking about, “If you don’t like it in Vancouver, I can see what we can do.”

“No. It’s not here. I like it here. I think. That’s not what’s bothering me. It’s something about the fact that, I don’t know, there’s routine now. There’s not a new crisis to face every other day. I have a room bigger than what I know what to do with. I don’t wake up and fall asleep to the stars anymore. I’m not living out of a box knowing I could move away at any second. Hell, I have a mug with my name on it now, and I don’t worry about it getting packed up somewhere and never seeing it again.” She’s pacing around the island now, thoughts spilling out left and right before halting just at a corner too quickly and hitting her hip against it. Kodelyn pauses at it, as if she doesn’t even register the pain, before turning her gaze up to him, “I’m not used to this. I’m not used to having constants like this. I don’t have physical homes, I never have.”

He’s not sure how to answer that. Unlike her, he’d had a home. He grew up here, lived here. There were memories he made here that he never could’ve anywhere else. The walls that built the home out there were the same walls he’d seen everyday of his childhood and every time he came home. No matter how many pictures went up, how many dents or nicks in the paint came of the children and family that inhabited it, The orchard would always be home to him.

She never had an orchard, metaphorical or otherwise, is what he’s guessing.

“You miss moving ever other year?” He asks, “Or does it bother you not being on the move anymore?”

“Maybe?” She indirectly answers. Crestfallen isn’t exactly the word he’d use for her expression, but it’s somewhere close to it, “I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel real. None of it does. Like I’ll wake up any moment and I’ll be back on the Normandy, or Arcturus. But not here.”

“Real?” Kaidan asks. He can relate. After everything they fought for, coming back to Earth feels more like a fantasy than their new reality. He’s still struggling with it, but it’s been eating at her more than it has been him since the war ended, “It’s as real as it can get, Kodelyn. I assure you, we’re still here, and this isn’t a dream.”

“Doesn’t feel right for everything after the war to come anywhere close to good. Happy, even.” Kodelyn runs a finger over the rim of her mug, propping her head up on the counter to hold up her head, “A home’s for forever. Lives like this are supposed to be forever. I don’t know if I can comprehend the whole ‘forever’ idea after thinking I was dead twice in a row. Feels like there’s one more thing I didn’t remember, one more thing that’ll take all of this away from me.”

“Kodelyn,” He has to think on that, still blinking awake. Reaching his hand across the counter, she hesitates before taking it in her own, threading their fingers together and holding, “Nothing’s taking this away from you. You’re going to be okay, and this’ll be for as long as you want it to be. Sometimes that unknown can be fun.”

Kodelyn doesn’t quite believe him, but a tired smile appears while she rubs a thumb over his knuckles, “You and I may have different definitions of fun.”

“Yeah?”

“Usually my fun comes with something I can plan for, not whatever comes over the horizon.” She answers. It definitely fell in line with how he’d met her, and held true up until now. Her expression dims, focusing on their hands again, “I’ve never really had a home like this. Not somewhere I can say I ever stayed and thought of as more than just a launching pad towards the next adventure. My sort of home is a person. It’s always been my family.”

“Do you want to go and see them?” He’d never been to the fabled Shepard home, but if it’d make her feel better about civilian life, then they might as well visit.

“No. No that’s alright. Everyone’s busy, and the lake house is gone anyway. Damn Reapers took it.” Kodelyn shakes her head. Even though she says homes never mattered much to her, her eyes tell a different story. It meant more to her than she’s letting on, but he doesn’t press the subject. She squeezes his hand, “My home is you, now. I think that’s why I haven’t gone careening off-course completely yet. You’re home. And I think every other day I’m just scared of losing it all again. Losing...you, again.”

That hits him in a way he didn’t expect. This wasn’t something he’d ever guessed from her. She made it clear that she cared a great deal about him, their love for each other was mutual. But she never verbalized that fear. He’d seen it a few times before, when she’d been too late to come to his side, or more specifically, the few times she came to visit in the hospital. It went both ways, but he was more likely to tell her that, and had done so before. Vulnerability to her inner thoughts wasn’t often something he really heard, and her tone, however quiet, screams that this is something she’s been thinking about for a while. At first he wonders why she hadn’t told him, but he’s also sure she had her reasons. Whatever that reason was.

“Hey.” Kaidan says softly, waiting until she looks up at him again. As if to solidify his point, he squeezes her hand back, “I’m not going anywhere.”

“This?” He gestures to her left hand, the silver band still resting on her ring finger, “Till death do us part, remember?”

“Not sure I like the possibility of death to begin with, Kaidan. Not you.” Her voice is a little strained over that, “Not again.”

Not again.

“I’m not leaving you. Never. I’m not going anywhere.” He responds, “You won’t lose me. I promise”

At that, some of the tension loosens from her shoulders, “I don’t know what I’d do if I did. I don’t want to think about it, but sometimes...sometimes things get away from me.”

“I know.” He nods, “We’re going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”

“Okay.” She parrots him, some of her earlier smile starting to reach her eyes, “I believe you. Think, maybe I just needed to hear it out loud. Gets pretty hard to ignore when its bouncing around and you can’t shut it off by yourself.”

“I get that.” The sun is starting to rise over the city, and Kodelyn circles the island. She leans her head against his shoulder, wrapping her arms around him to pull him closer. 

She sighs against his chest, “Thank you. For everything.”

“Of course.” He presses a kiss to her forehead, “I love you.”

“Love you more.” She responds back, sleepy, but wholeheartedly.

[crqstalite]

let her rest.

[crqstalite]

I've been writing some v self indulgent post war fluffiness for Kaidan and Lil and it got me curious...do kaidan and kodee have kids? Is it something they've ever discussed? Or is she a all I've done is take life I can fathom possibly giving it kinda person?

Ah, this is a great question to come home to!! (It's been hellishly hot and I haven't had a single second to myself, much less my characters ;-;)

Short answer for right now since I'm not super happy with their post-war yet, but yes! They have one daughter, Margaret Davina Alenko (Nickname being Maggie or just Maggs). Margaret for Kodelyn's great grandmother, Davina for Anderson. She's a pretty bubbly kid, kind of lives in her own fantasies a lot. Spent about a month at one point pretty adamant only Kaidan should do her hair. She takes after her mother in hair texture, but she liked how he did her space puffs once and never gave up on it. She's a biotic just like her parents, probably an attendant of Grissom Academy when she gets old enough.

Discussed? Yes, a little while after they're married around ~2189. Maggie isn't born until late 2191. Maybe I'll write that up at some point. One of the bigger reasons being later rather than sooner is that I don't think Koda is super ready to commit just yet, and that the two of them would like some time to really get to know each other outside of a high stress situation everyday. What makes the other tick, essentially? What are you finally able to express outside the confines of the ship, when you're finally able to stop watching over your shoulder every other hour?

Are you still able to stick with that person, seeing them for who they are off the battlefield? The answer's yes, eventually, but it's a question worth asking.

(Which, yay for me -- more domesticity prompts I can write, but also? Something never rubbed me right about just...how short the relationship feels canonically? I know it's a game, but it bugged me. So that's my fix-it bandage.)

Moving along, I've always felt like Kaidan's a kid kinda guy, or, really just good with people to begin with. Both really good with them (see: his students), but also just willing to give. If and when he has any, I feel like he'd first and foremost try to give them a better childhood than his.

Koda though? Meh. I think she's always been neutral on the idea. Loves her niece to the moon and back, but struggles with wondering if she'll pass on the same emotional issues her parents gave her. She's intent on doing her best for Kaidan and Maggie though, even if she slips every once and a while.

I think they were just fine childless, but their lives have been improved having Maggie around.

[crqstalite]

4/6 of those on the lineup have been paired with kaidan at some point in time and im not proud. surprised? no. absolutely not. i know my habits.

but four is a Number. more than one.

[crqstalite]

16 for kodelyn? 👀💕

me? not using angst as a crutch? i can’t believe it. short because im also insufferable enough to have wanted this done tonight and wrote pretty much as fast as i could.

post-war. “16:  What your character does on a day of (rest? we assumed it was rest).”

no warnings. fluff. or at least an attempt at it. gosh im not good at this lol.

-

“It’s two.”

“It’s three.”

“Two cups. Written right there.”

“That’s a three. If it is a word at all.”

“The last time mom made this with me, I could swear on my life it was only two.”

“All Shepards write like this then?”

“Oh, Mason and my mom do, I don’t.” Kodelyn gently shoves Kaidan as he chuckles, squinting at the fading ink and scribbled word that’s been tripping their baking endeavor up for the last three and a half minutes. She really doesn’t know if that is an h or...another letter. The curse of scribbled cursive ran in her family, and the last time she has any vague memory of making this specifically was nearly a decade ago, “All I’m saying is that it looks like two. I’ve made this cake before.”

“You’re sure?” Kaidan asks. He doesn’t believe her (and probably shouldn’t), but considering the fact they’d already muddled through half of this recipe as it is, she’s amused he’s choosing this hill to die on. He’s more resilient than she was, she would’ve given up after they couldn’t decide just how much salt went into this thing.

“Oh, absolutely not. But do you want to go and find my great grandmother and ask her to clarify?” She asks, wiping her hands on her apron and turning to face him. She raises an eyebrow, “Y’know I feel like she wouldn’t be able to answer you. Just a guess though.”

“Wet cake. That’s the legacy you’re leaving for Margaret Shepard?” Kaidan asks, glancing at the cover of the barely still bound book, “Would hate to disappoint.”

Kodelyn is barely biting back a laugh. Her expression betrays her as a mirroring grin spreads across Kaidan’s face, “And dense cake would be your first dessert offering to the family. I think ‘Ma Maggie would be hurt, she always did hate dry cake. I can’t believe she now has a great grandson who would happily make it.”

“Don’t tell me she had any quotes about that too.”

“No, you’re confusing her with her daughter, she was a woman of few words. I’m sure my grandmother did though.” Kodelyn says, leaning against the counter. She flips back to the recipe page, “She did teach me how to level flour off though when I was six. And that I shouldn’t let anyone push me around my kitchen. Namely whoever I got married to.”

“Ah, a little pushing was necessary when you nearly burnt down the house.” He says, “Not sure Margaret would’ve wanted her great granddaughter to go up in smoke.”

“Me?” Kodelyn’s a little incredulous, scoffing as she presses a flour covered finger into his shirt, “If I remember that incident correctly, you were the one who distracted me and let the rice burn. So technically it was your fault.”

“Shifting the blame this time, huh?” He snakes an arm around her waist to pull her close, pressing a kiss on her forehead, “As if you haven’t done it enough times to me.”

“Not every time was on purpose.” Most of them weren’t. Occasionally she came to bother him when she got home. Occasionally.

“Not every time?” He asks, “So there were still a few times you were responsible.”

“A few.” She grins, “Couldn’t help myself.”

She glances down at her still powdered hands, snickering at the handprints on his shirt. They way he does it back to her, she doesn’t doubt she has a matching set on the back of her own from where he rests them around her waist. Heck, there’s flour everywhere just from the earlier tries on this cake. On her shirt, on his, on their feet, somehow in both of their hair -- oh they were quite a pair standing there in the middle of the kitchen. Standing back from each other, their laughter is infectious once they get a look at each other. She would not be surprised if it’d be quite a while before they got it all off.

“You know, Judith’s only a year old, she won’t even be able to tell the difference, much less remember it. I’ll consider it a win if she even eats it before demolishing it.” Kodelyn says, pulling out another spoon, “That little ball of energy won’t care how much flour we use.”

“Might as well make it three before it collapses in the middle then.”

“Yeah, fine, you win,” Kaidan smiles as she relents, “And if it ends up as dense as I think it will, we still have time to buy one.”

“What, you don’t trust me?”

“I’m just saying. It looks like two, but if you think it’s three...”

He slides his arms around her waist again, pulling him back into her as she laughs. It wouldn’t be too bad if they never finished this.

[crqstalite]

❝ i love you, shepard. ❞

[crqstalite]

i like how some f!shepards are shorter than kaidan and thats absolutely adorable.

and then i remember kodee, who’s bordering on 5″11-6″0 and the thought she holds it over him when and if she wears heels amuses me.

edit: tags please work with me.

[crqstalite]

eh,,, close enough. probably should’ve reffed kodee when i made lali, but they look enough like sisters that i’m not complaining lol.

just for reference, citlali and kodee are stepsisters anyway.

[crqstalite]

( Kodelyn ‘Kodee’ Shepard )

- The oldest of three children and the only daughter of Hannah and Reuel Shepard, Kodelyn is the current commanding officer of the Normandy SR-2. Typically found in high spirits, Kodelyn is a positive woman with an optimistic view on the world. She’s nothing if not crafty, and is always someone you can come to if you need help. A naturally kind and affectionate person towards most. her softer side doesn’t need to be dug for to be found. 

> Spacer + War Hero > Soldier (Shock Trooper) > 5′11.5 (181.61 cm) > LI: Kaidan Alenko > Paragon > Biromantic + Demisexual

Other characters: Kodelyn (here) / Citlali / Brione / Annika / Daniel / Nia / AJ

[crqstalite]

For the past, present, and future thing: once again for the Shepard-Velasquez siblings (any of Kodee, Citlali, or Mason for any question) I request Past 3, Past 12, Present 5 & 6, and Future 4. Also I'd like to ask a twist on Future 4 with what's something they didn't expect would happen but actually did.

Finally getting cracking on this one after sitting on it for a month. Why? I don't know.

(An extra edit two weeks after that one, finally I'm finishing this)

-

3. Describe their family. Who raised them, and who had the most impact on them? Did they have any siblings? Who were they closest to? What were the family dynamics like?

The Shepard-Velasquez siblings were primarily raised by their parents, Hannah and Joaquin. Easily described as a strict but ultimately loving mother and an easy-going Alliance contractor. I'd argue that impact depends on the child, as Hannah had the largest impact on Kodelyn and Citlali, but Joaquin probably had the most impact on his son. Family dynamics were messy, between Hannah's unresolved generational trauma and the upheaval that Citlali's biotics caused, the easiest way to describe it would be "too little, too late". Everything went wrong because so many little mistakes built up and brought the whole house down. No one lives at home anymore, even though they talk about it all the time.

5. What kind of people do they usually interact with? Who are their friends, the people they look up to/trust, and who are their “associates”?

The Normandy crew and the siblings they interact with most:

Kodelyn: Kaidan, Miranda, Liara, Garrus, Grunt

Citlali: Joker, Tali, Jack, Kasumi, Mordin.

Mason: Thane, Samara, James, Jacob.

(Mason I think is interesting only because he tends to gravitate towards those that are both more introverted, but also ones with significant years on them compared to him. With the exemption of James, he does appreciate the wisdom they have. In the case of James, he can sort of relate to him, and the other takes Mason under his wing once they meet.)

6. What is their current relationship with their family?

Current relationships are likely something Revival will attempt to expound upon, but its focused heavily on healing. Not quite forgiveness (there are some things sorry just can't fix), instead repairing what they can and trying to be better in the future. There's some stubbornness on both Citlali and Hannah's parts (after all, both think they did the best with the situation they were dealt) and Mason hesitates a lot on trying to be vulnerable with his family again after they hurt him. Koda is being pulled in thirty different directions at once, and inadvertently uses it to avoid harder conversations and situations. Relying on each other is a little too much of a request and they stumble around a lot around certain subjects, but when asked, they do say they care about each other in their own ways. Whether that's still knowing the others favorite flavor of cake or just knowing instinctively how they take their coffee. Somehow. After a whole decade.

4. What’s something they were sure would happen in their future but didn’t?

Koda was pretty sure she'd end up right where her mother is, a Rear Admiral commanding a ship. Likely unmarried, considering how she tended not to keep many ties when she was younger, without children. While she remains with the Alliance, she doesn't end up an Admiral. She's content enough with promotion to Captain a few years later, and her relationship with Kaidan progresses to marriage eventually. Maggie joins them a handful of years later.

Citlali is pretty firm on how she'd believed she would've ended up on the Citadel working a dead end job or doing party tricks for as long as she could hold out. Didn't think she'd see the Reaper invasion, didn't think her sister would die, didn't think she'd end up living on a warship for nearly a year or becoming a secondary pilot to said warship. She did all of that and ended up marrying the other pilot. And had a kid. She's seen exciting times and would really prefer if they'd stop.

And Mason? Mason's just pleased he lives to see thirty after the Reapers touch down. He never really thought he'd have as solid of a relationship with his sisters as he eventually does, nor that he'd have anyone who really cared about him emotionally like Priana does. He never really thought he could be pleased with his life, but he is.

Thank you for asking!! <3

[crqstalite]

over our horizon.

said unsent message from kodelyn, late 2185 and because i’m still raw from horizon all over again (and maybe it’s the middle of the night -- decisions got made ok). do i have any grasp on dates concerning the trilogy? absolutely not, i fashion them to how i require them. if they’re off, they’re off.

(oh and both that this is definitely how i write emails + i cried. again. bleh.)

major character death referenced (shepard).

-

Subject: [untitled]

Last edited: 23:34, December 3rd, 2185

Dear Kaidan,

<line erase>

Hey Kaidan,

<line erase>

Kaidan,

If you’ve received this, then that means we’re going through with what we’ve deemed the suicide mission. Complete with the Omega-4 relay and whatever’s on the other end of it. Hopefully we kill of the collectors and send whatever plan that Harbinger has straight to hell alongside him. Either way, that means we might not be coming back, and leaving this unsaid would probably be my dying regret if I don’t come back.

After Horizon, I had a lot of time to think. About the state of the galaxy, about the Alliance, about Cerberus, about us. Still bugs me the way we left things on Horizon, if I had more time or 

<partial line erase>

Maybe if I hadn’t gone in with the mindset that it’d hadn’t only been months since I’d seen you last, things would’ve gone differently. Or maybe not. I doubt in any situation I would’ve been able to pull you from the Alliance, but in the same vein, I doubt I would’ve walked away from Cerberus just like that. At that point, the Illusive Man still had me convinced we were doing the right thing. Should’ve believed you, should’ve believed everyone else who told me they shouldn’t be trusted. They -- you were right, by the way. You had the last laugh in that case.

<line erase>

<undo>

You know, I never quite came to terms with my...death of sorts. I doubt I ever will, really. Cerberus stole two years of my life from me, ripped me away from an easy death for their own gain. I’ll never get my life back, I know that. And yet, here I am. Facing it again. At least this time, I have the chance to say goodbye.

I’m sorry I left you behind. Without anything more than an empty grave and empty promises for a future together. Then having to find me all over again after you’d already moved on. Jeez, what an ass I am, huh?

<line erase>

If I’m entirely honest, I don’t know how I expected Horizon to go. I was so hopeful, bludgeoning my way through that entire situation without even a second thought. The Illusive Man said your name and I immediately wanted to go find you, damn I should’ve known he’d use you to get to me but you’re the only thing that mattered then

<line erase>

I don’t know what we had. I cared for you, hell I wore my heart on my sleeve and didn’t expect to get hurt. I’d never quite had the same feelings for anyone, not like that. Not in the way that made me feel like I could take on the galaxy with you by my side. I still remember that night before Ilos, whatever Cerberus did to me, they couldn’t make me forget that. They couldn’t make me forget you. You meant a lot to me, and Horizon really shattered that fantasy that I’d be able to go back to my old life. Maybe I’d gotten the Normandy back in a way, maybe I got Joker, Garrus and Tali back. It...isn’t the same. 

You’re right, things have changed. I don’t expect you to still feel the same way you did two years ago.

Being resurrected gave me a new lease on life, but it didn’t replace what I had. Sometimes it’s easier not to think about it. Not to think about everything I lost over Alchera, and instead look towards a bleak future that might get me killed in the end.

Kaidan, I love you. A part of me thinks and prays that’ll never change. Yet, I don’t want to act on something that’ll only make this harder for the both of us

<line erase>

Maybe this is goodbye. If it is, if I never see you again, I want you to know I couldn’t have asked for a better friend -- a better...almost. An almost something, if we’d just had more time. Just a little more time to take that step, and make it real. But flimsy wishes won’t do that, I know. You’ve got a new life, and I don’t want this or me to make you hang onto what happened years ago. The Kaidan I knew would keep moving forward and get the job done. That’s all I can really ask.

If this isn’t goodbye then

<line erase>

You’re still everything to me. Nothing will change that, I promise. And if I come back, if we can ever repair this, then know I love you. I love you more than you know, and I’d fight like hell to get back to you.

<line erase>

Just...please be careful. Whatever you do, stay alive.

See you starside,

Kodee

-

The letters blink back at her, the send button nearly taunting her even with all of her corrections. A part of her wants to send it, really does. And yet she hesitates either way, what if this was unwarranted? After Horizon, she couldn’t really gauge whether or not he even wanted to hear from her again, and his message a week later only muddled that.

These last few hours before they hit the relay had made her think. Think about everything she was leaving behind again if she did die. She didn’t fear it as much as she had before Ilos. And yet, she had just as much if not more to lose this time.

The shift of her hand on her desk makes the photo flicker back on. Amber orbs bore into her soul as she stares at it, the picture’s graphics slightly degraded, but enough that it sends a rush of sadness through her. Yearning tugs at her heartstrings as her chest grows heavy, swallowing thickly. Kodee still wonders who found it for her, who even placed it here. Yet, she rubs a thumb over it, vision blurring before dropping her head into her hands.

She never hits send.

[crqstalite]

🖊 + kodee!

Kodelyn is notorious for overthinking. She's hyperaware of little shifts in how someone acts around her, however she won't always come to the correct conclusions for those changes. In fact she can err on the side of pessimism on that front. She spends so much time in her own head worrying about things and other people, and that mixed with the aforementioned overthinking makes her a bit oblivious. Not enough to be an 'airhead' of sorts, but enough that I don't think she really realizes when people shift into 'friends' unless they say it outright.

That's half the reason I don't think she realized Kaidan was actually interested in her. Both because she was pretty sure he was just being nice, and also the disbelief anyone would want to start or continue a relationship with her. They'd surely failed before, she didn't have much reason to believe this would be any different.

[crqstalite]

kaidan’s conversation about jump zero is a little more amusing with kodee since citlali does exist in her continuity

[crqstalite]

sometimes i think about annika and ash. nik just feels a little selfish. she lost her entire family on mindoir, lost her entire squad on akuze. lost her life over alchera, and yet ash is still here. 

she chose ash. ash is the only choice, only person she’s been able to save since that fateful day on eden prime. the only time she didn’t watch a part of her life go down in flames. she feels selfish because she’s know she could’ve chosen kaidan. technically he was the superior officer, and making sure the nuke went off was their first and only priority.

and yet, she chose ash. did she quite know that she loved her just yet? no. but she didn’t want to think about losing someone she cared about for the third time.

so. she doesn’t.

and yet, in eye of the storm (redamancy’s overarching series) nik lost ash. and its something she’s never quite gotten over, something she’s never quite forgotten that kodee’s done. she understands the pragmatism behind the choice, but she’s still hurt. it leaves her hollow, even though she’s found real friends in the normandy’s crew, there’s a special sort of way that ash’s nameplate on the board makes her feel.

[crqstalite]

crisis.

so! i got tagged for wip weekend, which if you’ve tagged me before, i rarely have one to give lol. except this was already a wip i’d started a long while ago that i never got around to properly finishing. then i read it over before submitting and decided it needed some editing -- and then it got finished at some point in the last half an hour or so. 

so everyone gets some post!alchera feelings for the shep sisters of mine.

tagged by @ljandersen (ty!) and tagging @ripley95things + @actualanxiousswampwitch + @that-wasnt-so-bad + @purple-hawke :D

cw for a major character death.

2183.

It starts like any other day. Wake up, eat something in the mess quick, check in with the nurse to make sure her implant wasn't trying to kill her, get to work. It was never odd, never shifting into something else. Sure maybe she threw in a late wake up, or no breakfast at all, or an absence or two to fool around somewhere, but it always loosely adhered to it. She could predict every single day, and just how much she could press buttons before something broke.

It comforted her, being so far away from home -- though she'd never admit that, lest someone take advantage of her comfort. L2s didn't exactly have it easy, and those like her (the ones that were 'special' and 'hand picked for their willpower' as children for what she'd refer to as experiments, were all young when they received their implants) rarely had it easy. The schedule at least gave her some semblance of purpose.

That's what she does. It's Tuesday afternoon, just after lunch. Her omni-tool had been buzzing with unanswered texts for ages now -- maybe about the party that was supposed to be after lights out tonight. She doesn't check, it doesn't matter. Lounging around the classroom until the instructor got there, with her feet up on the desk. There's a hearty laugh spilling out of her mouth, other students around her enjoying the quips she throws out like fishing lines. A hand running through her hair, her sides sore as she pulls it back. The door clicks open behind her as she rushes to pull her feet down, clattering the datapad back on the desk. The room falls silent, a stylus falling to the ground but no one daring to pick it up.

The usual instructor. Grey hair in a tight bun. Cleanly pressed uniform, buttons shiny unlike her own that was missing two. She holds her breath, she's about to get that biting tone for her boots not being clean enough to eat off of. Or maybe something that they'd cackle about in the dormitory a few hours from now. Except she has an ashen look on her usually steeled face, searching the students until piercing grey eyes land on her. A cold sweat starts, a bead running her forehead. That, did not look like she was going to get on with the class period, "Miss Velasquez? You're, needed in the front office."

The woman's voice cracks. Her anxiety only grows in the pit of her stomach -- what had she done now? Had her parents finally found out that she'd been skipping the biotic advisory courses? Or the failing tech class she'd needed to pull up before the next break? This woman had done nothing but cause her problems since she enrolled here, why did she look so nervous? Would she be that sad that she'd be leaving her class, or stars forbid, the school?

How often did Grissom expel students? Being one of the only places that even took biotic students, much less someone like her, could they even afford to expel them and then deal with the rogue biotics that resulted?

(Not that she would go rogue -- she didn't have enough control over her biotics to even think about it without getting a bloody nose and one hell of a headache)

Citlali chooses her next words very carefully, her tongue feeling like sandpaper against the dry leather of the roof of her mouth, "Did Principal Sanders say why she needed to see me?"

The older woman bites her lip, trying not to avert her gaze, "Only that she needed you, now. Bring your bag, your dormitory will be cleared out in the next few days."

Her heart drops, ears filling with static. Clearing out her dormitory? Had she finally flunked the algebra class? Were they expelling her for being late so many times? Leaving the school, now? When she was so close to getting certification to serve on a cruiser with the Alliance? She drops her gaze to her desk, flopping her head into her hands and trying to process all the thoughts bouncing around in her head. A moment later, she picks up her bag by the strap, throwing it over her shoulder. Oliver mouths a goodbye.

"Do you know why I'm leaving, ma'am?" Her voice is small, throat tight, "Not that I don't love the early vacation, but not sure I want to be gone so quickly." A rough chuckle to keep her emotions in check.

"It's..." A steel glance around the room before she sighs, "It's about your sister. Your parents want you home. Principal Sanders has told me not to expect you back for the rest of the semester, or the next."

Home?

Sister?

Shit.

Something had happened to Kodelyn.

No, wait. Don't panic, it made her nauseous and her parents had drilled it into her as a child. It was okay, all of it was. There was nothing to worry about, nothing to make herself sick over. She had none of the facts and all of the possible answers.

It was okay.

Maybe she was finally settling down, with that not-so-bad-looking lieutenant from the SR-1. Wedding maybe? That'd make sense, right? It would be a little odd that it would be right in the middle of their cruise around the Terminus for leftover Geth, but it made sense. It totally made sense. Even though Kodee was rarely spontaneous.

Citlali doesn't want to consider the alternative. If there even is an alternative. Right. Keeping her chin up. No reason in being doomsday-ish. Military life was dangerous, but no more dangerous than being alive was.

Right. Her parents were only pulling her out of school because maybe they're going to be moving somewhere else, and her complaints about Grissom (and the focus on her biotics) had finally hit decidedly not-deaf ears. Yeah, of course. She was probably getting enrolled in a normal school, a flight school if she's lucky.

Except, when she glances at the secretary just outside Sanders' office after the much too short of a walk to the administrative section, the man's face falls, hurrying to let the Principal know she was there while almost tripping over himself. He looks as if he wants to say something, but then reconsiders immediately afterwards. She gives him a rough nod, before stepping into the office.

Don't panic.

Her heart sinks as soon as she enters. Her mother's face is one without emotion, eyes glued to the wall behind the desk, her father with his head in his hands. Sanders is the only one to look at her proper, a sad smile on her face.

There's a vid playing in the background. If she knows any better on first glance, it's the Captain (Councilor, apparently) that Kodelyn had served with just before the investigation with Saren began. Though, the reason he's giving a speech on the extranet is...odd. And worrying.

Don't panic.

"Mom..." She starts before her mother stands from her chair, "What's going on? If it's because I'm flunking algebra, I just need a couple weeks to get it back up to a passing grade. It's fine. I-I can study here."

"Mi princesa," Her father's voice is just as rough as her's, she recognizes it as the one he had when she'd been injured that one time, the way he'd been when she been hospitalized all those times ago. Sad...scared, "We could not care less about your grades."

"A-And the Advisory Course! I can start attending those again, the nurse says I'm good to go, and I won't skip them anymore, I promise!" She says earnestly, heart rate rising as her mother nears her. She's in her uniform, which rarely happened if she didn't visit Grissom immediately after a posting. Her mother wasn't on a posting this week, she was home. She should've been.

Why was she in her uniform then?

Don't panic.

"No..no..no, Mom what happened? Mrs. O'Brian said this was about Kodee. What's going on?" Her heart is racing, thumping like a drum beneath her chest, the feeling of nausea climbing up her throat, "She's home? Right? And we're going back to Earth, right?"

Citlali can't stop talking the more and more she panics, words tumbling out to cover up her own pessimistic thoughts. She doesn't even want to glance at the screen when her mother wraps her arms around her tightly, allowing Citlali to bury her head in her chest. The words catch in her chest when her father does the same to both of them. She can't even voice what she's truly thinking.

She doesn't want to. She doesn't want to hear her mother say anything. Nothing at all.

"Your sister isn't coming home, Citlali." A whisper by her mother as Citlali is sure her heart stops upon hearing the words cross her mother's lips with a shaky breath following, "She..."

"No! No, she can't be! She's not gone, she promised to introduce me to..to Kaidan when she came back! She promised to take me around the Citadel after the cruise was over! She-she promised to show me the Normandy!" Tears are spilling out of her eyes, clutching onto the back of her mother's uniform like her life depended on it, her own disbelief pressing down on her lungs as if to suffocate her, "Don't say it! Please don't say it!"

"An attack over Alchera, somewhere out in the Terminus. From what we know...she gave her life for everyone else on the Normandy." Her father's voice is nearly drowned out by the sound of blood rushing in her ears, sobs pushing their way out before she can clamp down on them. Her legs weaken beneath her while her eyes burn, "We're going home, princesa. There are...preparations we need to make."

"No! She can't be! She can't, mom please, someone must have seen her, right? Must've known she was...was in an escape pod or something, mom!"

"There's nothing I can say, love. I wasn't overseeing that operation, and the Normandy was destroyed in the attack. All we have to go on is Lieutenant Alenko's report. She wasn't with them for the days they spent on the planet afterwards and no one just...survives that." Her father pulls away so that her mother can lift her head to look at her.

Citlali doesn't want to. Her sister, Kodelyn, is a carbon copy of their mother. All she sees is her sister in her face, and she only cries harder. Her mother wipes away what tears she can, her calloused hands holding her face by her cheeks while her sobs wrack her body.

"We'll be clearing out your dorm before we leave, love. You can stay home as long as like, as long as you need." Her deep brown eyes are only radiating love, comfort, but a line of liquid is beginning to form at the corners of her own eyes, "Mrs. Sanders, surely you'll be able to handle the students knowing? I wouldn't want Citlali harassed for information."

"Of course, Admiral Shepard. I will do my very best if that is what you wish," She responds, "I am so, so very sorry. She was a remarkable woman, and she will be missed."

"She's not dead!" The word is a hurdle to get over, trying to tie it to Kodee, her sister so very full of life the last time she'd seen her. To imagine some Geth, some stupid AI had ripped her out the galaxy destroys a part of her, "She can't be!"

"Love...please. I know it's hard to accept, but it's what we know. And that is simply what it is. There is nothing we can do now but simply remember her as she was. Your sister, our daughter, and an inspiration to a galaxy," Her father comes back into a view with his own bag slung across his shoulder while her mother bites her bottom lip, a rogue tear slipping down her scarred cheek, "Denying it will do nothing."

Citlali has no words anymore.

"You and your mother go ahead to the shuttle. I'll get the things from your dorm." Her father whispers, gently squeezing her shoulder, his own eyes rimmed red. Dry from his own crying, she's sure.

The headline scrolls across the vid when she pulls away from her mother, it scrolls across her datapad, it scrolls across her own mind, burned into her memory. Her brother has a similar reaction, though is stuck in shock for weeks afterwards. The family is never quite the same afterwards, she doesn't remember her mother ever being home this often -- she doesn't remember ever being home this long, ever being in one spot, ever being on Earth so long.

Citlali doesn't ever remember a day that she was home and didn't receive a call from her sister, Citlali doesn't remember going months without having her sister home. Unlike her brother and father and mother, she sits in the middle of Kodelyn's old room, terrified that she'll lose her scent and start forgetting things about her. Just what her favorite color was, or how she used to speak, how she used to comfort her after something bad had happened or after a discharge from the hospital when she was younger. How it felt to be hugged by her, how it felt just to be with her.

She's scared she'll start forgetting about her older sister.

Citlali remembers crying for ages, wrapped in Kodelyn's old N7 sweatshirt until she can't. Then it's simply dry heaving, dry sobs.

The crew's names are like leaves in the wind to her during the funeral. She remembers little more than the fact there'd been a Quarian, a Turian, a Krogan and an Asari among them. She remembers Kaidan a little better, but moreso how his dark eyes only reminded her of her own. After that, she doesn't remember seeing him again.

Citlali remembers once saying the galaxy didn't revolve around Kodelyn Shepard.

She realizes that Kodelyn Shepard was her galaxy. And her galaxy had just fallen apart.