#like you're not allowed to not like being trans or be frustrated with it

[forgottenwriter]

Honestly, this is really important. Let me tell you all a little story. This happened many, many, many years ago. Back when I was a little trans baby who didn't even know she was trans yet. I was 16, on the internet, and having a great time. As you did in those far off days, I joined an internet forum - for those of you who don't know what they were, think of it like Twitter back when it was twitter, but also long and also not very much like Twitter!

So anyway, I made a friend and he was a great guy. He was also 16, and the two of us hit it off right away. He was smart and funny, and deeply caring about the world and the people in it.

He was also gay and from the deep south. His parents were less than supportive, but he seemed to not let that get him down. We became fast friends, and over the years, grew pretty close. In retrospect, he had a crush on me, but I was always trans even when I didn't admit it to myself, so that was going nowhere. I could never be what he wanted me to be, so I just didn't approach that route.

As the years went on, my friend started to change. He got cynical, angry at the world. It came from a place of hurt and pain; his parents continued to wound him, he felt as though the world was turning against him. he fought as hard as he could, but it seemed as if even his own people were turning on him.

Of course, the thing that I never said - and I should have, but I was young and anxious and didn't want to lose one of my best friends in the world - is that part of why this all was happening was that he'd internalized what his parents had taught him. He thought he was free of it, but like a seed they'd planted in him, it just waited to flower. It fed on his frustration and anger, and offered him an easy solution.

He didn't have to try to understand. He didn't have to try to look at things from other people's point of view. Other people were just wrong. And he was allowed to speak over and demean them because he was right and that was how the world worked.

Some of the stuff he ended up saying was terrible, and I remember thinking at one point ''This is your parents speaking. You've swapped out the word ''gay'' for ''trans'' but it's the same sentence with the same meaning and the same intent. You've embraced them without even knowing it.''

When I last spoke to him, when I ended our friendship once and for all, he'd convinced himself that democracy was a mistake. That education was a mistake, that the majority of people simply did not deserve to be educated and only enlightened rulers - which naturally, would include him and a few other gay people, but with no mention of any other minorities - deserved full rights.

Tl;dr don't assume that just because you're a minority, it means you're free of bias. If you live in toxicity, if you're surrounded by it, it will cling to you. That's what makes it so dangerous. You can carry it for years and decades without ever knowing and at some point, when you're weakest, when you're tired and angry and sad and want someone to blame? That seed will flower and a few years after that, you'll be one of those very same people who make you feel so sick right now.

That's human nature. That's how it works. None of us are perfect beings who can always be sure we're in the right. Check yourself. introspect your thoughts. Above all else, never assume that you're right just because something feels right. Righteous anger is good and satisfying and addictive because we're evolved to find it that way.

But that doesn't mean it works or makes the situation any better.

Don't lose yourself like my friend did. He was miserable in the end, and I don't think he's going to have a fun life in the future either. Support and love each other, stand up for each other. Be the kind of person you wish existed to stand up for you.

Many lgbt teenagers and young adults growing up on the internet today have socially conservative beliefs that they voice at all times that they got from their conservative parents which they’ve never challenged because they think the life experience of being gay or trans makes them politically progressive

[sebdoesthings]

Yes, yes, god made me trans for the same reason he created wheat but not bread, but have you considered i hate baking?

[beemovieerotica]

struggling with how to word this, but putting it out there anyway:

i can fully understand the posts on here from a lot of americans being tired of "vote blue no matter who" posts when the #1 thing that people are constantly (and sometimes only?) addressing is how the republican party is going treat trans/queer people if elected.

it's part of an unfortunate pattern of prioritizing the effects on a demographic that includes white + upper class people, when people of color and those in the global south are actively and currently being killed or relegated to circumstances in which their survival is very unlikely

it is genuinely exhausting to witness this, and i was also on the fence about even participating in voting because i a) felt like it didn't matter and b) every time i voiced being frustrated with the current state of the country, white queer people would immediately step in with "but what about trans people!" -> (i am mixed race trans man)

and i say this with unending patience toward people who do this, because i know that it's not something they actively think about. but everyone already knows how the republican party is going to treat queer people. you are probably talking to another queer person when you bring up project 2025. the issue is that, for those of us who aren't white, or for those of us who are but who are conscious of ongoing struggles for people of color worldwide, the safety of people around the world feels more urgent than our own. that is the calculation that's being made.

you're not going to win votes for the democratic party by dismissing or minimizing these realities and by continually centering (white) queer people.

very few people on here and twitter are actually talking about issues beyond queer rights that concern people of color, or how the two administrations differ on these issues instead of constantly circling back to single-issue politics. this isn't an exhaustive list. but these are the issues that have actually altered my perspective and motivated me to the point of committing to casting a vote

the biden administration has been engaged in a years-long fight to allow new applicants to DACA (Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals, the program that allows undocumented individuals who arrived as children to remain in the country) after the Trump administration attempted to terminate it. the program is in limbo currently because of the actions of Trump-backed judges, with those who applied before the ruling being allowed to stay, but no new applications are being processed. Trump has repeatedly toyed with the idea of just deporting the 1.8 million people, but he continues to change his mind depending on whatever the fuck goes on in his head. he cannot be relied on to be sympathetic toward people of hispanic descent or to guarantee that DREAMers will be allowed stay in the country. biden + a democratic controlled congress will allow legal challenges to the DACA moratorium to gain ground.

the biden administration is open to returning and protecting portions of culturally important indigenous land in a way that the trump administration absolutely does not give a fuck. as of may 2024, they have established seven national monuments with plans to expand the San Gabriel Monument where the Gabrielino, Kizh / Tongva, the Chumash, Kitanemuk, Serrano, and Tataviam reside. the Berryessa Snow Mountain is also on the list, as a sacred region to the Patwin.

i'm recognizing that the US's plans for clean energy have often come into conflict with tribal sovereignty, and the biden administration could absolutely do better in navigating this. but the unfortunate dichotomy is that there would be zero commitment or investment in clean energy under a trump-led government, which poses an astounding existential threat and destabilizing force to the global south beyond any human-to-human conflict. climate change has caused and will continue to cause resource shortages, greater natural disasters, and near-lethal living conditions for those in the tropics - and the actions of the highest energy consumers (US) are to blame. biden has funneled billions of dollars into climate change mitigation and clean energy generation - trump does not believe that any of it matters.

i may circle back to this and add more as it comes up, but i'm hoping that those who are skeptical / discouraged / tired of the white queer-centric discourse on tumblr and twitter can at least process some of this. please feel free to add more articles + points but i'm asking for the sake of this post to please focus on issues that affect people of color.

[ugly-anarchist]

I've seen quite a few posts about people who want to "transition to intersex" and it's really starting to frustrate me

Intersex doesn't mean "androgynous", it doesn't mean "both male and female", it doesn't mean "somewhere in between the binary"

Intersex means you have naturally occurring sex characteristics that don't align with what society deems "correct." You cannot transition to being intersex because it's not something that can be done intentionally.

The changes caused by HRT or surgery do not make you intersex and you do not want an intersex body because there is no single definition of what an intersex body looks like.

If you're perisex and want a body that is androgynous, somewhere between male and female, or both male and female then you're allowed to want that. You're allowed to want whatever it is you want your body to look like, but you will never have an "intersex" body and you shouldn't be using the label intersex.

People who say they want to have an intersex body either fundamentally do not understand what being intersex is or they have a very fetishized idea of what being intersex is like. (Ex: they think being intersex means you have both sets of genitalia)

As a nonbinary intersex person I know what it's like to want your body to look nonbinary, but that isn't what makes me intersex. What makes me intersex is the fact that I have secondary sex characteristics that do not match what society deems normal. And, btw, that isn't a nice thing. I'm learning how to accept that part of me but my intersex traits actually give me major dysphoria.

So yeah, TLDR: Perisex trans people stop being weird about intersex bodies.

[goqmir]

u ever notice how trans women arent allowed to be openly frustrated or angry about anything without getting an unreal amount of hatred sent at them. and god forbid someone "in good faith" responds to your venting with a half baked "solution" to your problem that if you dont perform for them youre obviously just so helpless and want to struggle-- because obviously to them transgender women love to play the victim (our struggles cant be real if they dont awknowledge them, and if they do awknowledge them theyre obviously not important or they can be fixed easily). cis people are allowed to be angry all the time. theyre allowed to be joyful too. if a trans woman is happy in her identity if she adores herself if shes feminine and loves pink and loves being trans thats "cringe" and "reddit" and obviously not how youre supposed to act. cis people are in love with their identities all the time and hate us when we are. we cant be the opposite either-- if we're sad instead of angry, they say we need to just pick ourselves up and stop bringing down the mood. if we aren't feminine, then they ask "why did you even transition at all?" if you aren't filled with joy every waking moment (which, again, they would hate you for), they say its because you're trans, and they hate you anyway. a lot of cis people (and a lot of trans people) dont want a trans woman to be angry like cis people are allowed to be, sad like they can be, happy, feminine, or masculine, or anything else-- its a catch 22. they hate you no matter what you do but especially if youre visible about it. so fuck em.

[akajustmerry]

sorry but you're never going to make me feel sorry for incels. genuinely, there are so many boys and men (both cis and trans) with so many different backgrounds who feel lonely and frustrated and manage to NOT to make hating women their whole personality. I'm just never going to feel empathy for the small number of men and boys who make that choice. It's why I hate the notion that they're being "radicalised" because if there was a genuine radicalisation process then every boy/men who comes across that content would be an incel, but they aren't. why? because it is a choice they make at several points to internalise hatred of women to that degree, and pathologising it as some sort of "oh they were brainwashed by shorts on YouTube" just feels like a way to obfuscate discussing that incels choose to violently hate women, and ultimately they are allowed to hate women. there's no radicalisation because misogyny is literally already the way of the world. why should I muster sympathy for anyone who's CHOSEN hating women to that degree? Fuck off.

[genderqueerdykes]

is it bad that i hate when people take my posts about trans issues and make trans women the center of them. my posts always say “trans people” when i talk generally about the violence and transphobia because i mean that. all trans people, not only one kind. but every time the comments turn it into a discussion revolving around trans women.

i’m not against talking about specific demographics! but it’s very frustrating when people take trans men and non-binary people out of the picture when i intentionally included them by NOT specifying a specific gender of trans people.

it’s honestly very disappointing and disheartening that trans men aren’t included in any type of discussion when it comes to trans issues. at least not that i see, i don’t know.

additionally, when (mainly perisex cis)people claim their supposed allyship to trans people, they only talk about how they include trans women in their feminism and women’s spaces. no mention of trans men. and when we ARE talked about, it’s “i hate trans men because they’re just like cis men :)” or “no i don’t want trans men in WOMENS spaces because they’re men”.

i don’t know… maybe i’m too sensitive, but it’s something i don’t like. we should definitely bring awareness to trans women’s issues but not completely forget about the existence of trans men.

i think it's okay to feel that way. i don't care for when people do that to me, either. this discussion is long overdue and so few people want to have it, but this is an issue. yes, trans women are allowed to talk about our issues, we are. i'm not saying we should never speak. what i'm saying is we can't take posts that are made for everyone and make them about us and us alone.

we need to stop making conversations about transmasculine people about us. not all nonbinary people are transfeminine, other intersex, multigender, nonbinary, genderqueer, gendervast, gnc, etc people need a chance to speak. like i'm serious, it's okay to talk about one's own experience. but if it is explicitly to point out why people should not listen to other people when they are talking about their own issues, and that they should listen to you instead, you are controlling the narratives, and shifting the goalposts.

it's one thing to say "here's what i experience" but if someone takes your post and goes. hey actually. trans women have it the worst. they're the one leaving other people out of the picture in that situation. whenever you try to point this out on this website, people foam at the mouth to try to kill you and it's ridiculous. when, well, with so many people bringing it up:

it's an issue.

there's been a specific group of people who identify as transradfems and people who identify with their politics even if they don't know the name for it. they are pushing people to be quiet and not speak about their own experiences because somehow that silences trans women, as if we can only be about one type of queer person at once. it's gotten old. like can we seriously just have this conversation already and be done with?

i feel like i have to say the thing that most people are afraid of, because this conversation is way overdue.

can disenfranchised dysphoric trans women stop attacking men & mascs because you don't like being seen as one? can disenfranchised trans women who have been hurt by men stop attacking men who haven't hurt you?

enough. men & mascs are not your personal punching bag. manhood isn't what hurt you. being forced to be a man or masc is what hurt you. the general concept of manhood and men did not hurt you. let go. i understand it's painful to get misgendered and treated as a man for life. it sucks. you don't deserve that. no trans woman does. nobody deserves to be misgendered. you don't deserve to be dehumanized because people refuse to see you for who you are. it's okay to acknowledge that you're in pain. but you gotta let the fuck go of your irrational hatred, because it will never help you accept or love yourself

you will never experience true trans joy if you spend all of your time hating on other people. hate solves nothing. if that's the only thing you see, that's the only thing you feel. if hate has nowhere else to go, it rapidly turns inward. you will not be seen as a woman by more people if you attack men. you will not be accepted by cis radfems if you attack men and parrot their politics. this isn't helping you, or anyone else.

we need to break down these walls and talk to each other. trans women and trans men can have conversations about our experiences at the exact same time. conversations involve multiple points of input. if we're only allowing one type of person to speak and one type of person to speak only: that is a lecture. that is not a discussion. if you never listen or give other people a chance to speak, you are lecturing them.

[assortedshrift]

Twst Otome Isekai AU

Reader used to love isekai but became sick of all the terrible ML’s and annoying FL’s. There is nothing worse than getting into a series with an immersive setting only for the author to waste it on terrible main characters.

Eventually you give up on the genre and focus on getting her business degree. A year after graduating things are actually pretty good, you survived the terrible job market and landed a pretty sweet gig with a decent paycheck. Now, on the anniversary of your decision to drop all light novels, manhwa, manga, etc… you decided to celebrate your good fortune with a treat from your favorite cafe. You'll never guess what happened while you were crossing the street…

So yeah, Truck-kun sends you to Twisted Wonderland, which happens to be the last isekai you read. Ugh.

Okay, so it wasn't the worst offender, there were plenty of trashier light novels out there. you were actually pretty invested in the story’s world. The MC Allison (Call me Allie!) is a down on her luck woman from the modern world who died from tripping into traffic, only to wake up in the world of Twisted Wonderland. Through her the audience meets the characters and learns about their lives. The overarching issue is the mysterious condition known as ‘Overblot’ that occurs when someone uses too much magic. Allie is taken in by the Royal Sowards Association (RSA), a multinational group dedicated to helping others. They discover that something about being from another world allows Allei to purify blot, and she saves the ML’s during their adventures.

You honestly liked the novel at first. The worldbuilding was captivating and the characters were interesting. Unfortunately as the story progressed the MC became increasingly disappointing. Allie is first presented as an average, innocent young lady who just wants to do good, but you can't think of her as anything other than a loser. It’s understandable how someone transported to a new world would start off with little agency, but despite many opportunities for character growth the MC only seems to get worse. 

Allie claims to have big dreams but never works towards them. She touts the value of being independent but stays reliant on handouts from the other characters. When faced with the suffering of others Allie cries about the unfairness of life then just… moves on. It was so frustrating for you to be shown glimpses of an interesting world while stuck with the viewpoint of such an agentless character. Considering all this, it would be an understatement to say that you were upset upon waking up in the headquarters of Night Raven Collaborative (NRC), a dark counterpart to RSA. 

If there were a need to describe NRC in one word, that word would be ‘petty’. Some time after RSA’s founding a group of villainous individuals realized that the united heroes were causing all their schemes to fail. The group reluctantly learned to work together which led to the founding of NRC, a secret society dedicated to the destruction of RSA. Now, millennia later, the heirs of these dark legacies are still trying to defeat RSA. 

But that's enough exposition, back to Reader.

You are quickly discovered by Dire Crowley, a dark fae who was tasked by the original founders to take care of the organization as a sort of regent in their absence. In the present day he is the public face of NRC’s leadership. He questions you using magic to determine who you are and why you're here.

Now, at this point it's been years since you last read Twisted Wonderland, and a lot has happened since then, so you have no idea what's going on. This is actually a good thing as your genuine confusion convinces Crowley you aren't some sort of infiltrator. He is quick to focus on the fact that you came from another world, and like Ambrose did with Allison, Crowley suspects that your trans-dimensional travels may have imbued you with special abilities. It's pretty lucky that the man got so caught up in fantasies of exploiting your potential power, because the more he spoke the more you realized exactly where you were. 

Yeah sure, as far as post death situations go it could probably be worse. But seriously? It couldn't have been a story that you actually finished? Isn't the protagonist supposed to be an expert in the fictional world? Well at least there are some secrets that you know about.

Thanks to some quick thinking, you manage to convince Crowley to give you custody of an estate that NRC owns but has mostly forgotten. It's obvious that he intends to keep you close for observation. But thanks to the novel you know that the head of NRC is a lazy penny-pincher who will take any chance to offload work onto others. From his perspective it must have seemed like a deal, you stay close while also taking responsibility for something he considers a waste of resources.

 The Ramshackle estate was originally a neutral ground for the founders to meet in. but once they built a more grandiose HQ the place was abandoned and left in disrepair. The only reason you thought of it was due to a couple chapters where junior members of the RSA  tried to investigate rumors of an evil organization, but had to stop and rescue Allie from the ghosts. There was a short interlude where the shadowy leads of the evil organization had a group call to complain about the heroes and mock them for going after such a useless place. 

Except the joke is on them because later Allie and the juniors return to discover a magic mirror that does… something. You had dropped the story before they revealed that part. The point is that there's something valuable in Ramshackle and it now belongs to you. Initially you intended to pawn the mirror and gtfo. Too bad grim had to go and ruin it. A talking monster who, as far as you remember, never appeared in the novel, but somehow managed to break into the building and worm his way into your heart.

Ugh, whatever. You can improvise.

[velvetvexations]

"if youre not a woman reconsider your choices" just reminds me of the "have you tried not being gay?" type bullshit. like yeah sure it's not exactly the same, im sure there are some people who have experienced transness as a choice, and im not gonna try to police their experiences. but framing gender as a WHOLE as a choice is just kinda gross- like specifically gross regarding trans men and nonbinary people in particular, too. who is this person to invalidate people like this? an asshole is what

and it's very very frustrating to get told "it's just a joke" like fuck off I don't care stop treating one gender as better and inherently more valid than the rest why do you even want that to be something you're allowed to say

[eva-does-their-best]

can you shut the fuck up youre making all trans guys look bad so fucking annoying. insane that u cant handle any fucking criticism whatsoever lol holy shit. whole ass fucking paragraph. gotta put that evil mean trans woman in her place right. god forbid someone gets frustrated at being consistently shit on by people in her community. im gonna be so real rn and say that as trans guys / tme people we have it so much easier its actually insane (coming from someone whos been thru corrective rape when i was 12 after i came out as a trans guy btw! theres my fucking pound of flesh. jesus.) not even rly trying to convince u but u just piss me the fuck off annoying as fuck

First off: So sorry about what happened to you, my most sincere condolences. It's the only thing I can really give, hope your life gives you enough peace and happyness to allow you to live with such an event.

Second:

You're making all trans guys look bad

I'm not a trans guy, I'm a transmasc, very different, a difference you should if not care about at least keep in mind if you want to respect less binary forms of masculinity. I don't speak as nor speak for trans guys, because I am not one, maybe if you actually read what I write you would know.

Insane that you can't handle any fucking criticism

Criticism where? Let me be absolutely blunt and sincere: All I see in the posts I replied to is tired, scared and hurt people who cope with said feelings by turning their vents into everyone else's problems.

I vent a fucking lot, everyone can see that, but when I vent I am sincere and point the source of my pain, how I feel, why I feel that way, and which people I believe reinforce it. What I don't do is go out of my way to involve people who have nothing to do with it or with how I feel.

Trust me I know how they feel, and the way they are dealing with it is incredibly self-destructive and I want nothing more than for them to get out of that shitty mental state that hurts them so they can feel better and have a slightly better life and emotional responses to the world.

Whole ass fucking paragraph

Yeah, that is how one transmits ideas. Shocking.

Gotta put that evil mean trans woman in her place right

I've replied to a couple posts so I don't know which one you're talking about, but I've no clue about the gender of the people who I replied to, I simply replied to shitty ideas, don't care who's behind them.

Pretty lame that you try to make this a gender war, don't you think?

God forbid someone gets frustrated at being consistently shit on by people in her community

"her" ok so this is you personally defending someone you know, I can tell.

Statement goes both ways don't you think? You think this is just for fun?? Yeah let's start a conflict that is affecting the lives of real people for fun!

We are fucking tired of the mockery, the disrespect, and the extreme policing of transmasc and trans men's language and experiences by people who have no say in them.

Do you care about that too or are you a hypocrite? Because when I reply to people's shit-ass posts I do in fact care about them otherwise I'd ignore em and let em keep hurting themselves.

"Oh but these ones attacked this person" I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck. There are shitheads everywhere, in every opinion and side of any conflict. There are gonna be shitheads who use this as an excuse to attack people of a certain particular gender they already had something against, it is irrelevant to the ideas exposed. Let's not act like there isn't a whole plethora of posts about killing transmasc please, you SHOULD care avout that too.

As transmascs/tme people we have it so much easier

You're free to have an opinion about your own experiences and I have no horse in that race. HOWEVER:

•You're not the only transmasc in the world and your opinion is very clearly not a universal truth, so don't you dare spit on everyone else's experiences by deciding what's true and what's not without counting with them.

• In your dumbass dychotomy of "tma/tme" transmasc are not the only ones put on the "tme" label and the same way I cannot talk about YOUR experiences you have no fucking right to talk about everyone else's experiences specially the ones from other identities and lives that you did not get to be or experience.

•Without dipping my toes in your opinion or your experiences I profoundly disagree with you.

• Lastly, WHO THE FUCK CARES WHO HAS IT WORSE?! WE'RE ALL FUCKING HURT AND BROKEN WE'RE LITERALLY KILLED IN THIS WORLD FOR JUST EXISTING, YOU WANT A COMPETITION??? GO FIGHT FOR TRANS PEOPLE'S RIGHTS TO COMPETE IN SPORTS INSTEAD OF CREATING OPRESSION OLYMPICS. GET YOUR COMFY ASS OUT OF YOUR INTERNET ARMCHAIR AND GO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD FFS.

There's my fucking pound of flesh. jesus.

Again so sorry you had to go through that, but you realize the whole point of this is to be able to have words for those specific forms of opression and awful events right?? To have experiences like that respected and treated with the seriousness they deserve right??? That is what we want.

You experienced transandrophobia, and the people you're defending right now don't want you to have a word for it, or allow only words picked by them as if they had any right to speak for you. Respect yourself more, man.

Not even rly trying to convince u but u just piss me the fuck off annoying as fuck

Hey at least you're honest, good. I don't give a fuck though, if you wanna keep hating me I have good news for you: I don't plan to ever shut the fuck up, enjoy.

The one person you hate is not me anyway, that is plain obvious... but that's a you thing to try and work on.

Sayonara dude👋🏻

[n3wstxd]

𝐉𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒/𝐃𝐀𝐕𝐄 - 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞’𝐬 𝐀 𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠

I’m back!! Yippee!! Yay!!

warnings: anal sex, first time bottoming, strap-ons, pegging, crying (very mild), overstimulation, trans James Hetfield :)

When James had first pitched the idea of pegging Dave, the older man had brushed off the comments like it was nothing more than a whisper in the wind. He had assumed that it was just curiosity, an interest that would blow over soon enough. Of course, he didn’t realise that his indifference would lead to the blonde becoming even more adamant on trying it.

Every time James had a chance, their conversation would stray towards Dave getting on his back for him, and his consistent pushing for them to try it psyched Dave out. He couldn’t possibly imagine James, who wouldn’t know a thing about fucking someone, even be able to last more than a minute before tiring out. Then again, the man was always full of surprises, but Dave was insistent on keeping his ass untouched. James chalked it up to his ego not allowing himself to get topped, something along those lines.

"No. I swear to god, James, I swear to-"

Dave cut himself off, pinching the bridge of his nose. He could hear James’ persistent rambling again at his side, something about just trying it out and it feeling good, that he should try it once with him at the very least. The more annoyed he got, the more stubborn James got, and it was a cycle that frustrated the hell out him.

"James, you have to listen to me!" Dave finally blurted out, in a moment of irritation, looking over to his side. Blazing hazel eyes are filled with exasperation, and yet, James is unrelenting, determined to have a taste of Dave at his mercy.

"You're too soft," James pointed out, his smirk devious as Dave shot him another fed-up glare, "Too scared to even try something new." He knew fully well how that would irk Dave and his ego, how he’d prided himself on being sexually flexible and yet wouldn't allow himself to take it up the ass.

"What makes you think I would even enjoy it?" Dave tried to keep his voice steady, speaking defensively, despite how his heart had begun to race at the mere thought of it. James had a tendency to rile him up, despite his best efforts to not give in to what he said. The man always found a way to get at him, whether it was something as big as this, or a simple jab at his guitar playing.

"What's there to not enjoy about it?" James asked, feigning cluelessness. “I enjoy it lots when you fuck me—no difference.” “There is a difference, James. A very big one.” The blonde scoffs and waves his hand dismissively. “Oh, pish-posh. What, you won’t let me fuck you because I don’t have a dick? Is that it?”

Immediately, Dave puts his hands up in surprise and defensiveness. “Hey, that’s not what I meant—”

"What DID you mean then? Am I not enough for you? You want a real man to top you?" James pushed, not moving his eyes from the ginger’s now terribly alarmed ones, putting on a disgruntled expression. He knew exactly how to ruffle Dave's feathers, to get a reaction out of him. He always relished in the way his bandmate would stutter under his gaze, how he'd struggle to keep his voice steady, or his expression neutral. It was all too easy to push Dave over the edge, a fact that James knew all too well. He'd always enjoyed seeing the ginger squirm when his tongue was sharp and his tone was harsh, making him all flushed and tongue-tied. Just like now.

"You idiot! You know you are, alright? Don’t put words in my mouth. I just don’t want to, okay?" He huffed, pulling his gaze away to stare at the ground. Dammit. He couldn't help the heat pooling in his gut, and while the thought did excite him, he was less than eager to go through with it.

"You're so damn stubborn, y'know that?" James murmured, taking a step closer to Dave. Hazel eyes roamed his face, studying his mannerisms and facial expressions intently. The heat in his gut was growing, his own excitement beginning to get the best of him, yet he still tried to hold onto some sense and reasoning.

"I just-" Dave trailed off, his voice cracking, his walls crumbling. Curse James, he always knew how to get what he wanted. "I don't think I'd like it…"

"And how would you know?" James retorted, his tone filled with a mix of frustration and amusement. "You haven't tried it. Why are you so scared of trying it?" He was really trying to test Dave, pestering him with endless questions, seeing how far he could get.

"I'm not scared...it's just...it's not something I want to try." Dave tried to keep his voice firm in spite of the way James could so easily get past all his defences. He can hear the pathetic waver in his voice, and so can James. The latter’s grin spreads, knowing that he has the older man backed into a corner.

"Come on," James began, his tone growing softer. "I'll be gentle with you. Please...?" His fingers gently traced the other man's jawline. "If you don’t like it, we can stop. I promise. Cross my heart.”

Dave was trying to remain steadfast, but all at once, his resolve was dissolving, weakening. He wanted this, wanted to try it, to ease the gnawing curiosity at the back of his mind, but he couldn't bear to relinquish his control. Eventually, he lets out a reluctant huff, eyes falling in defeat. "Fine," he grumbles, his voice barely above a whisper. His willpower was shattering at every moment—it's all too obvious to the blonde. "But you'd better be careful. If not, God so help me, James..."

"Don't worry, I will be," James assured, giving Dave that familiar gummy smile. Inwardly, he was rejoicing—he'd finally won. He'd finally, finally gotten his egotistic, stubborn, prideful partner to submit to his whims. He'd always wanted to try it, he just didn't have Dave on the same page as him.

Calloused fingers were still tracing the outline of the guitarist’s jaw, gently rubbing his thumbs along his plush lower lip. The thought of that mouth being on him—God, it was driving James insane already. But he restrains himself, tossing his guitar off his lap and dragging Dave off the couch.

"Come on," James urged as he leads Dave to the bedroom, the latter's heart pounding in his chest. He'd only had a fleeting imagination of this moment, but now that it was actually happening, it felt surreal—dreamlike. He was so focused on not stepping on his own feet that he'd almost forgotten to take a moment to glance at Dave. When he finally does, powder-blue eyes rake over the older man, taking in the way he fidgets under his intense gaze. Nervous and not as confident as he usually was—he looked like a wet cat, and James couldn't help the low hum that left his throat.

God, he couldn’t wait to bend him over.

“Wait—now?” Dave is quick to speak up, but all he manages after is an incoherent string of consonants. James can't help the chuckle that breaks out of his lips, watching as Dave scrambles to gather his words. He's all too eager to see the other man fall apart, watching him squirm under his gaze.

"Yeah, now," the blonde replied, a smirk tugging at his lips, "I've been thinking about it for too long now. It's time, don't you think?" In James language, that meant ‘I bought it a long time ago and was just waiting for the right moment.’ He leans back, giving Dave the chance to collect his thoughts before they’re fucked out of him.

Dave's deepen in a few shades of red, his heart nearly leaping out of his chest. "You've been…planning this or something-?" He asks, his voice coming out more like a squeak than he'd intended. He'd like to pretend he wasn't curious, wasn't even a little bit drawn to the idea, but he was. He always had been, somewhat.

"For...for how long?”

James grins, amused by Dave’s flustered state. "Months," he admits, leaning back against the headboard as Dave stands in front of him, eyes darting around his room desperately, trying to avoid his stare. "Ever since Lars first mentioned it that one time." It’d been such a throwaway comment, a simple joke between the two men that had discovered something deep within himself. When Lars had casually mentioned it, a spark was lit in James. He'd been dying to try it ever since, pushing the idea onto Dave at any given chance.

Dave swallows thickly, his gaze slowly trailing back to James, taking in the sight of him—so laid back and composed, as if they were talking about the weather. Dave was a bundle of nerves, the exact opposite of his friend. A shiver of anticipation runs through his body, and he fidgets with his shirt, fingers gripping the fabric anxiously.

James doesn’t waste a moment to get himself naked, revealing those mesmerising scars that run under his pecs that Dave always loved to trace the pads of his fingers against. He just stares, watching each fluid movement with such an intensity that James was sure he could feel the heat of his gaze drift across his body.

In a few hasty and graceful movements, James was already shedding his clothes and tossing them aside. Dave's eyes were glued to his friend's body, his gaze roving over the familiar expanse of pale skin. Dave, on the other hand, felt almost self conscious, like he was a blushy virgin all over again as he slowly started to strip, fingers trembling as he pulls off each piece of clothing one by one.

While Dave fumbled with his clothes, James was digging out a box hidden under clothes in their closet, a mauve colour and glossy like a magazine.

Once Dave had finally stripped himself naked, James was already sat down on the bed, the box neatly placed beside him, watching as Dave approached the bed hesitantly. still feeling all too shy to look the blonde in the eye. He's never felt so flustered in front of him, and James was doing his best to not make any other sound besides a hum of approval.

The ginger has never, ever been so timid, not even in his worst moments, and he himself wasn’t quite sure why he was acting like this. He hates it. He’s supposed to be the one making James all flustered and embarrassed. Relinquishing his control is an unfamiliar feeling, and it makes him feel weak. Like he has no control over whatever happens next.

And he can’t help but wonder, is this how James always feels with him?

"C'mere, sit down." James cooed, patting the spot next to him. His voice was gentle and soft, in stark contrast to Dave's nerves. The guitarist had never been so submissive in his life, and it was a huge turn on to James. He was used to the usual flirty banter, to the teasing he got used to, but this time he had Dave on the backpedal.

The box lays open on James’ lap, and the sight is rather daunting to Dave. There’s the typical leather harness, plain, with a few studded square rivets along the length of the straps. Then, there’s the dildo itself, deep violet—a colour that James had always taken a liking to. It was quite similar in size to Dave, perhaps a little less girthy, but still impressive nonetheless. Knowing his own size, he knows that it’s going to hurt, and when he looks at James with a wide-eyed expression, the blonde merely shrugs with a stupid grin.

Dave takes a tentative seat beside his friend, trying not to fidget as he stares at the box with a mixture of interest and trepidation. The sight of the different pieces inside is somewhat intimidating, and while he was excited, he was also nervous. His eyes flit to James, and when he sees that annoyingly nonchalant expression, a shudder runs down his spine.

"You…you really think it'll fit?" He asks, voice coming out as a strangled whisper, almost a squeak that he can't seem to control.

"I…we'll make it." James says, a gentle reassurance that makes Dave want to either roll his eyes or shudder in arousal. He glances down at the box again, eyes lingering on the purple toy with an almost hungry look, a shiver coming from the pit of his stomach. "That thing's big." Is all Dave manages to get out, voice low and somewhat strained. “Not too much of a difference from your dick.” James pats Dave’s shoulder like this is all so normal, as if they were talking about the weather. Dave hates how James is so unbothered, like he’s done this a million times.

Dave can't help the small gasp that gets caught in his throat, feeling his face grow hot at James' blunt words, but he tries to brush it off, keeping his gaze on the toy. "Stop it." He mutters gruffly, swallowing hard as he tries to keep his breathing steady.

His heart is pounding in his chest, his body heating up. He's both anxious and aroused, and he can't help but shiver as the tips of his fingers trace the soft ridges at the base of the toy, along the faux veins.

Then, quick as lightning, yanks his hand away like he’s touched hot coals, electricity sparking up his fingertips. It's stupid, acting like he’s never touched a dick before. And yet, this was the first time he would have one in him.

"Stop what?" James asks, feigning innocence, as if he's not trying to rile Dave up. He knows damn well what he's doing, he can see the way his friend's face flushes, and the way his fingers twitch with impatience at his sides. His own eyes roam over Dave's body hungrily, taking in every twitch, every shiver.

"I'm not doing anything." He mutters innocently, although the way his voice drops half an octave in a gravelly tone is anything but. Dave scoffs, rolling his eyes yet again. Gunmetal eyes take the sight in, eager to make them roll back in another way other than annoyance.

“Shut up and do what you have to already.” “Impatient, are we?” James teases, lips quirking up into another smile. He slides the box off his lap, making sure to take the bottle of lube out of it before. He settles himself to sit with his legs folded on the bed, beckoning Dave forward onto his lap.

With Dave’s legs spread, his broad back resting against James’ chest, the latter runs his hands up and down smooth, muscular thighs. Sure, Dave’s fingered James loads of times—he was no stranger to it—but the thought of doing it to himself was unnerving. The sound of a bottle cap opening echoes through the silent room, James coating his fingers in a more than generous amount of lube. A warm hand rests on Dave’s stomach, just shy of his cock, the other reaching between his legs. He gulps—there’s no turning back from this once it’s done.

He can't even bring himself to look, eyes fluttering shut, his hands clenching and unclenching, trying to keep himself under control despite the growing anxiety that was making itself very apparent. “Relax,” James chides, giving his thigh a gentle squeeze in reassurance.

"Easier said than done," Dave murmurs under his breath, his cheeks flushed. He feels a shiver run down his spine at the sound of James' voice, and his body instinctively tries to relax. He takes a deep breath and forces himself to lay more lax against his friend, his voice coming out a whisper. "Just…be careful."

"Don't worry, I will be," James assures, his tone softening, and his hand on Dave's stomach rubs a circle. His other hand gives a firm pat on Dave's inner thigh, coaxing him to spread his legs even wider, and Dave does so obediently, a soft gasp escaping. "That's it," He coos, encouraging in a gentle tone, almost like he was a mother soothing a child.

Shaky sighs escape Dave's lips, his breath catching as James caresses his skin, a flutter of nerves and excitement in his stomach. He tries to spread his legs more, but he's already as far open as he can get, and he's still trembling like some damn virgin. As he’s about to speak, a finger dips past his hole, plunging deep into him without warning. A strangled gasp escapes Dave, his blunt nails digging tiny crescents into James’ thigh. His face scrunches up, unused to the sensation. The blonde’s finger moves around a little, as if searching for something, his index curling and uncurling in ways that had Dave sucking in sharp breaths.

"Shh..." James soothes, his mouth brushing up against his ear, lips lightly grazing against the shell of the older man's ear. A quiet chuckle makes its way through his throat, amused at Dave's reaction. "Relax, stop clenching so hard." He murmurs, his voice quiet. Dave shudders, hands still digging into James’ thighs with such force, there might be bruises tomorrow.

"You're the one who's doing this—how the hell do you expect me to relax when you're sticking your finger up my ass?" Dave mutters, his words coming out strangled and breathless. He feels so out of control right now; he's never felt so vulnerable in his life and it's making him dizzy with anxiety. He's not used to not being in charge—the feeling of helplessness is absolutely maddening. "I can't...I can't just-"

"I have every damn reason to feel as vulnerable as you do," James growls in his ear, his tone taking a slightly harsher edge. His index and middle finder begin to work his boyfriend open, the sound of Dave’s ragged breathing filling the silence. "God, listen to yourself. You're rambling. You're acting like some sort of nervous bride."

The ginger squeezes his eyes shut, feeling James scissor and spread his fingers, drawing little groans and whines from him. It’s unlike anything he’s ever felt before, being stretched out, a strange sensation that he can’t see himself getting used to. Searching fingers prod against that spongey ball of nerves deep inside Dave, sending currents of pleasure up his spine, a loud and unintentional whimper ripping from his throat. His dick jolts, spurting precome across the expanse of his chest.

"God, James," Dave gasps, the sound of his voice a strangled sob, almost a cry, when the blonde gets three fingers in. "Stop tensing up, you need to relax, baby." "I'm not—I'm not trying to. It's—ah, ah, it's—” His words come out in a choked series of garbled sounds, and his head falls back against his bandmate’s shoulder, his fingers digging into the bed covers. James gives a smug hum, knowing that he’s found Dave’s prostate, focusing on that spot with unyielding fingers. The older man squirms and writhes, pathetic pleads for James to stop his relentless assault and give him a break going ignored.

"Look how responsive you are," James goads, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips, voice smug and pleased that he’s reduced Dave to this quivering mess. He knows he should feel guilty—Dave is not at all used to being dominated and it shows. But god, the look on his face, the sound of his moans and whimpers. It's driving the singer crazy. "I thought you were a big man. Strong, tough." He leans his mouth to Dave’s ear, sucking on the lobe in a way that he knows drives him insane. "I thought you were so stoic, unbothered. And yet, you’re whining like a girl from a little bit of fingering.”

"Shut up, shut up, shut up," Dave gasps out, his breath coming out in short, jagged pants. He can't believe how right the older man is; this feels so embarrassing. He's supposed to be strong, dominant—yet here he is, a quivering and squirming mess just from a couple of fingers and a bit of tongue to his ear. "I—ah—I'm not whining," His protests sound weak to his own ears, and a strong hand grips James’ forearm, fingers wrapping around the limb as James’ fingers curled in him. Dave's terribly embarrassed by the filthily wet sounds that James' fingers make as they plunge in and out of him, lube smearing all across his inner thighs. 

"Yeah, you are," James shoots back, his voice dripping with an amused amusement that only serves to rile Dave up further.

The teasing is starting to get boring, so James ups the ante, starting by pulling his fingers out, Dave’s cock twitching limply on his chest in its own little puddle of precome. The guitarist sighs, feeling the absence of James’ fingers with a loss of warmth and a newer, harsh cold emptiness.

Dave sucks in a breath, his chest heaving as he tries to steady his ragged breathing, trying to find the strength to form coherent words, his mind still hazy with the sensation of James' fingers still lingering inside him. He swallows hard, trying to push back the thoughts of embarrassment at how overwhelmed he feels, trying not to make a fool of himself. Sliding Dave off his lap, James eyes the plum-coloured box, eager to test his little toy. The ginger watches as James reaches for the box, heart pounding a frantic rhythm. It feels as though his entire body is buzzing, every nerve ending on fire with unmet need.

"Are you excited?" The guitarist asks, his voice low and sultry, an edge of dark humor lacing his words. He watches Dave’s face as the other man struggles to regain his bearings and regain the capacity to form words. "Don’t look so damn scared. It's just a toy."

"Shut up, it's not that," Dave mutters, feeling his face heat up as he struggles to regain his composure, his gaze focused on the box and the ominous purple strap-on inside. "I'm not scared. Just...just nervous. That's all." He can't meet the other man's eye, almost offended by the insinuation that he's scared of a small purple toy.

"Nervous?" James chuckles, his eyes flickering over the other man's face, the way his cheeks flush, how he won't meet his eyes. "You don't need to be nervous, c'mon." Dave shifts, letting out another huff of breath in frustration, and this time it's an amused huff, a hint of a laugh. "What are you gonna tell the guys?"

"Nothing," Dave mutters in response, not wanting to think of them right now. "I'm not gonna tell them a damn thing." "God, are you embarrassed or what?" James teases, lifting the toy out of the box, inspecting it.

"No," Dave replies firmly, his ego bruised. "I'm not embarrassed. It's just...I don't know. It's kind of intimate, is all. I'm not telling them. Never, in a million years." He averts his gaze again, trying to sound nonchalant; his voice holds just a hint of defensiveness to it. After all, they were close, but still, secrets are secrets.

"You're getting awfully uptight over a little toy," James teases, holding the toy up in front of the other man's face, his eyes narrowing in amusement. "It's just a toy, it's not that bad. It's not like we're going to tell the guys. What, do you think Lars would get jealous? I'm pretty sure Cliff’s seen something like this before anyway."

A flicker of irritation crosses Dave's face. "Don't...don't bring them into it," he mutters, averting his gaze. "It's not...it's not even about 'intimacy', it's just...it's just weird. The idea that I'm just...letting you do this to me."

James laughs, an amused smirk playing on his face. "Jesus, it's not that weird, man. Don't make it into something it's not. I just think this could be fun, and I've seen you get 'weird' with plenty of girls." He teases. "What's the difference, with me?" "I—Well—" Dave splutters, his cheeks darkening. "It's a little different. With girls, I feel more in control, and it's not like they're my bandmate. You're my best friend. It's not the same at all."

Another snort of laughter leaves James' lips. "You don't like it when you can't control the situation, do you?" He chuckles, the grip on the toy tightening. "You're a control freak, Dave. You can't handle not having all the power. It's your worst trait."

"I am not a control freak," Dave retorts defensively, tone tinged with the slightest bit of hostility. "I just...like to be in charge. It's how I've always been. I don't like not knowing what's going on, being left in the dark. It's uncomfortable."

"I know you don't," James says, a smirk playing on his lips as he studies Dave's face, taking in the flushed cheeks and the way he's trying so hard to appear cool and confident, even though the other man can see right through him. "You're not used to not being the one in charge. You're not used to not being the one with the power. I think it’s cute."

Dave's face flushes deeper, but he doesn't deny it. He'd always been a bit of a control freak. Being in power was a comfort to him. But the thought of letting go, of surrendering control, was unsettling. "You're pushing my buttons. Cut it out."

James gives a lamenting sigh, like Dave was his father telling him off. He stands and turns away from Dave, picking up the strap. Dave sucks in a harsh breath, unable to pull away as James fastens the strap to his hips and thighs. The dildo stands tall and proud, allowing Dave to take it all in with a less than enthusiastic grimace. The driver's pad of the strap was a vivid mix of surrealistic gold and violet swirls that reminded Dave of strange contemporary artworks. 

"Get on your back." James all but commands, arms folded across the tanned expanse of his chest, a proud and smug little grin on his face that Dave so badly wanted to wipe off. Grumbling, the ginger complies, a little taken aback by James' authoritative tone. It was hard to believe this was the very same man that got stage fright whenever they would play a show. Okay, maybe it was a little hot to see jams in control, but that didn't mean he wanted a fucking dildo rearranging his guts. 

Dave's hair fans out on the bedsheets like a warm fiery halo as he lies back, thighs still coated in a now drying layer of lube. James shuffles on the bed close enough to Dave that the strap was mere inches from the older man's cock. Dave's leg is thrown over James' shoulder, fisting the sheets as James squeezes out way too much lube onto his palm. Dave can't look away as James pumps his strap, slicking the silicone up until he's satisfied, before slipping a finger into Dave one last time just to tease.  

"Get on with it," hisses Dave, and it draws a mirthful hum from James. "Impatient, are we? Don't worry, I'll give you exactly what you need." As Dave was about to follow up with a quip, he forgets all about what he was going to say when James grabs the base of the dildo, rubbing the tip of the at his soaked hole and guiding it in. Instantly, Dave tenses, chewing down on his lip as he feels himself being stretched wide over just the tip. "Shit, James-" He hisses, a hand reaching to James' chest to stop him from moving. "Deep breaths," James reminds, "and tell me when you're ready." 

After a few moments, the guitarist reluctantly gives him the 'go-ahead' signal. Just when he thinks that maybe it isn't so bad, James pushes in a few inches, and holy fucking shit, he's so wet it fucking squelches.

Dave jerks, his body shying away from James, who laughs as he slides in a little further. His breathing is uneven and ragged despite his best attempts to get it under control, feeling like he's being split into two. "Relax, you're doing so good for me..." James purrs, fingers digging into the thigh that's propped up. "Jesus," Dave hisses, the stretch painful and foreign. Dave feels like every part of him is on fire, from the heat pooling in his gut to the unfamiliar ache between his thighs where he's trying to accommodate James. The more James pushes in, the more lube is pushed out to make way, dripping down in obscene rivulets onto the bedsheets. Each little thrust draws little gasps and groans, Dave's eyes screwed up as he finally takes the strap to the hilt, shuddering a breath as the pain and stretch make way for a new, strange pleasure. 

And James, the little tease, traces a calloused finger around his stretched rim, smiling down at where they're connected.

A minute passes before Dave huffs, his eyes finally fluttering open. "Okay, you can-" Before Dave can actually finish his sentence, James all too eagerly pulls out and snaps his hips forward. Dave chokes on his words as James holds his hips in a near-bruising grip, beginning to fuck into him slow and hard. He can't filter himself, not when James is beaming down at him like he wasn't making Dave's eyes roll back from the force of his thrusts. They're slow but calculated to rub against his prostate, he wonders just how many times James must have done this. 

"James--Jamie, please-!" Dave babbles, his toes curling as James pistons his hips into him, the dildo rubbing at his sweet spot with every unbearable movement. Any more of this relentless assault and Dave's brain would melt and ooze out of his ears, the simmering hotness in his belly becoming more like a burning flame. His neglected cock spurts a little precome with each roll of James' hips, dribbling down his length and pooling on his abdomen. "Fuck, Dave...you're so good for me. Just for me, right?" The blonde coos, kissing the side of his knee. "That's it, baby." James hoists Dave's other leg up over his shoulder, leaning down so that the man was nearly bent in half. "Fuck-!" Dave hisses, the James' strap rubbing against his prostate at an angle that made his mind numb. James takes on tentative thrust, another, one more, before he begins that thigh-quivering pace.

"Oh--oh-" Dave whines, a sound that has never, ever been heard by any of them. James stills, staring deep into Dave's eyes for a moment, before he ruts into Dave like he's never going to see him again.

Dave's face scrunches up, their breaths mingling, sweaty skin sliding against one another, moving his hands to dig into James' back. He's going to come soon, and James can sense it too, because he's angling his hips to meanly hit Dave's ball of nerves dead on with each thrust, hell-bent on making the older man come. He presses his body against Dave even more, folding Dave to fit his strap in deeper. Dave's stomach muscles quake, and his thighs ache from the position, but he's too far gone to care. 

"James--oh god, I'm gonna-!"

Dave can feel the pleasure coiling him snap, and his orgasm comes right after, way too soon for both of them to react. It barrels through him so hard he can only manage a couple of garbled praises before he's covering his own chest with his come. James waits a few moments after Dave comes, letting the ginger come down from his high before he begins to snap his hips forward yet again. Dave clenches tight around the strap, hissing in oversensitivity. 

"Wait, wait--" Dave cries, his cock twitching limply on his chest. James mercilessly fucks into him with that loving smile, holding Dave down tightly. Dave's still riding the aftershocks, which is becoming electricity in his belly. He can hear himself babbling curses and pleads for a rest, all going into deaf ears. James nails his prostate again and fuck, its unavoidable in this position, drawing pathetic little hiccupping cries as he blinks tears back. He can see James' twisted joy in seeing him so vulnerable, murmuring soft praises as Dave's second climax draws near. The thought of James just using him without much consideration for it being his first time is somehow incredibly hot to Dave, in spite of himself.

"JamesJamesJames--"

He can feel the pressure building up in his belly again, white-hot. His nails drag streaks down James' back again, and he's screwing his eyes shut, teeth clamping down on his lip before he's coming again, this time not explosive as the last. His dick weeps, come gathering on his belly, and he can barely hear James over the sound of his own breathing as he comes down from his own high. It's all a blur as James throws the dirtied blanket off the bed and wipes him clean with a washcloth. they're lying and facing each other, James bearing a shit eating grin Dave wants to smack off his face.

"You okay? Was it good?" 

Dave scoffs, his usual attitude now back. "We're never doing this again, you hear me?"

James has a grin so cheeky it would put the Cheshire Cat to shame. 

"Never say never."

[genderqueerdykes]

I was reading through your replies to the lesbian who was explaining why they hated cis men, and I found you replies really insightful and well put. I've often had trouble articulating *why* man hating queer people is so frustrating and upsetting to me. I'd also love to add another point from my percpective to the conversation:

I've almost exclusively been sexually assaulted by women. The only time a man has ever done something that could be considered sexual assault to me was a situation I wouldn't consider sexual assault (more just, he did things in sex that I wasn't into and didn't like, felt more of a case of 'having bad, poorly communicated sex/kink' than anything else). I've also been told by people that I was quote unquote "lucky" for being sexually assaulted/harassed by a girl in my dorm room when I was fifteen (maybe sixteen? bad at time) because it wasn't a man. The worst transphobia, abuse and harassment I've been through has been from women. My ex was femme enby who was kinda man hating and they fucked me up badly. I still love women, as a queer sapphic who adores the people in my life rn women are still wonderful, but they aren't safer than men. In several ways I actually feel safer stuck alone in a room or at a bus stop at night with a man than a women. The fact people make spaces that are supposed to be queer but deeply hostile to men is so infurating bc they act like everyone has a right to 'be cautious of men because of bad experiences' and make spaces less open to queer men but no one would ever say that about my bad experiences with women. (and no I'm not usually in women's only spaces, the reason I've never been SAed by a man is not bc I'm not around men, I'm around men plenty)

Feel free to not answer ask if its too much, have a lovely day and thank you for talking about intersex issues, about the way gender essentialism and fear of men hurts people. I appreciate your blog greatly.

i really appreciate you sending this, thank you. i really cannot stop myself from talking about how man hating is fucking everything up because this experience is so important and it's being completely erased

i'm sorry you've gone through all of that. that's a lot to deal with, and it's an experience that doesn't deserve to be erased. pushing the thought that women are inherently safe to be around puts women who are assholes into a situation they're allowed to be mean as fuck to everyone else because "oh i'm traumatized from patriarchy". we all are. you're not special.

i have also been abused by women as well. my mom, sister, other family members, friends and exes have all abused me. i talk about it a lot, but one of the worst times in my life is when i lived in a queer punk house. i really thought it would be accepting, i thought i had found my people. there were a lot of trans girls who lived and stayed there and i got to know a lot of them because they found me cute.

whenever they would find out i'm also a trans man as well as genderqueer, these girls would clamor over each other to misgender me. i was ridiculed for not having a penis, being told that that's what makes a man a man. these girls would also brag about how they hated twinks, gay and bisexual men. they were proud to hate men, even the queer ones around them. there were so many pieces of trans art and things like estrogen bottles everywhere, but nothing transmasculine at all. even though transmascs showed up there often

it sucks that other queer people can sometimes be one of the most transphobic people you know. people have to start caring about how this affects people. women are not inherently safe to be around. men aren't inherently going to hurt you. we have to grow up past this mindset

[vergess]

@mrjocrafter asked:

(ask for Vees) So as long as we're discussing these frames of intersexism, I wanna talk about a frustration I (cisgender & intersex, for context) have with a number of intersex people (and a number more perisex people who claim to be allies) on this hellsite These people act as if desiring traits traditionally considered intersex that one doesn't ~naturally~ have (the big one is non-dyadic genitalia, but also I've also seen this for secondary and tertiary intersex sex characteristics) is intersexist, which to me seems REALLY FUCKING INTERSEXIST! Like the people who say this (especially the intersex people who say this) realize that their implication is that intersex people are cursed to our bodies and that we're wrong in some way, and that only people ~born this way~ should be allowed to like, enjoy, or take pride in, these traits? Like holy shit! That implication makes me feel way worse than any people who are aggressively ignorant about what being intersex even means.

Yeah, I've been pushing back against that for, god help me, I want to say about 12 years now and that's just in writing. It's an evergreen subject and it goes a little like this:

"Oh, I wish I had both a penis and a vagina, that would alleviate my dysphoria"

"You're fetishizing intersex bodies as sex objects; everyone knows that actually having both a penis and a vagina is an incomprehensible horror and intersex people hate themselves more than you could every understand"

And if you try to say, "well, I was born with a penis and a vagina, and they cut my penis off/sewed my vagina closed leaving me feeling deeply violated and incomplete," people will look you dead in the eyes and say you should be grateful that you were normalized, or that the surgery was bad but so was your body so it cancels out.

Then go right back to telling anyone who wants the body you were born with that they should be ashamed for wanting something so disgusting.

But heavens forbid you say, "hey, I'm actually not a disgusting abstraction?" because you WILL be shouted down.

It's actually completely morally neutral to want to have multiple genitals, or to have a mixture of secondary traits, etc. It's no more abhorrent than wanting to have short hair.

But people are so disgusted by intersex bodies that they will react with violence to someone who wants to look "like us." And this disgust makes intersex people (rightfully) afraid and uncomfortable, but instead of directing our responses to the people calling us disgusting, we keep going after the people who don't think we're disgusting, because of course a trans person is an easier and safer target for our anger than a pericis person.

It's exhausting, and it contributes to the ongoing isolation of intersex people from all schools of intersectional theory.

Which is what makes it so fucking insulting when people are like, "okay fine! We will isolate ourselves, then!!!"

[mariacallous]

the whole idea of attacking McBride as a "Zionist" is... it just brings back the most frustrating part of the late election "Queer as in Free Palestine!" the number of Queer people, particularly trans people on-line loudly declaring it was fine if they lost rights or Trump was elected because people in a foreign country where having a bad time and somehow... uh.... there's no trans rights till we're all free, but by all we just mean Palestine because thats all we'll talk about, for some reason.

and of course you're allowed to care about whatever political issue you want but this weird nearly obsessive move to put Queer rights on the back burner and also to tie the language and imagery of Queerness and transness to a different unrelated political movement is so fucking weird and then being like "anyone who doesn't agree with our radical stand on this totally unrelated issue no matter what they think of trans rights is OUT! and we're AGAINST! them! and they don't even deserve basic human rights!" insane

and worrying that at a time when trans rights are the most under threat they've EVER been in American history there's so much back stabbing and "no true Scotsmen!" in the trans community

I just also think people are either deliberately or uninformedly using "Zionist" in a way it should not be, and because it then short-circuits any attempt at discussion or trying to engage with them.

I've been in similar situations that McBride is facing, as has other coworkers, and I worry every day about it and about where we're going. And these have happened in blue states and cities, so there's no real escape. Some places and people are obviously better than others but it is very sobering to be reminded constantly how many people, even and sometimes especially those you would assume and who should otherwise, fundamentally reject and oppose you.

[naughtybg3confessions]

(Not a confession.) I've been working out submissions for the trans day, and there was also an interesting discussion on the topic on r/okbuddybaldur, and I've been wondering - where do you think the line is drawn between 'naughty confessions' and 'fetishization'? I'm trans (transmasc-leaning NB), I have trans hcs, many of them are smutty, I find them hot, trans people ARE hot! We are! But is there a point where it just becomes fetishistic?

Related, what about stereotyping? Tall, buff transfem Karlach, or slender, pretty transmasc Astarion, for instance (which I genuinely do love, especially together). Questionable if you're ONLY going with the more stereotypical view (ie. 'Shadowheart is small and fem and definitely cis, Karlach is tall and butch and definitely trans'), or questionable at any time?

(Relatedly, this comes up in the discussion on Reddit - someone shared their frustration with always seeing Aylin as trans and Isobel as cis, and shared their frankly incredible trans Isobel headcanon.)

Not at all trying to start Disk Horse or anything, just a trans fan writing up submissions and overthinking things. Have an excellent day!

Well let me start by saying that I'm cis, and not exactly an authority on this subject. I have no magical way of knowing where all our confessions are coming from, but I do have some safeguards in place to reduce harm.

First of all, confessions that fetishize real life groups of people are strictly not allowed in our rules. It's up to my own discernment (and that of our followers) what constitutes that, but generally any use of slurs or reinforcing negative stereotypes is a clear tip off. If someone is making trans folk out to be freaks or fetishizing things about them that belittle their gender identity, that's obviously a no go. But so far, no one has said that. There was one confession sexualizing dysphoria that towed the line for me, but my gut told me the submitter was trans themselves and simply had a humiliation kink. Which they later confirmed!

Not speaking for the fandom at large, but on this blog at least it seems like all the characters are "transed" pretty much equally, from Shadowheart to Halsin. With the exception of Gortash, who seems to get the lion's share of those confessions, but that doesn't ring any alarm bells to me.

I certainly wouldn't want to disallow trans hcs for any particular character. After all, it is a fact of life that some cis women are big and tall, and so are some trans women. Should they be excluded from being found attractive just because of a few bad eggs? But I'm always happy to see more variety, thought, and creativity put into confessions overall. Y'all are certainly encouraged to break the mold around here.

I do my best to use my best judgement in moderating confessions so that everyone feels safe and welcome here. But I'm not perfect, so if anything ever slips through the cracks I won't hesitate to listen to our trans followers, remove the confession and learn from the experience. Should that ever happen, I may ask the anon to clarify their intentions as well, as sometimes people just phrase things unintentionally poorly (Hanlon's razor and all that).

Anyways, I hope that answer was satisfactory, it's an interesting and nuanced topic to be sure. And I bid thee an excellent day as well!

[aaxzlyte]

2024 Fic Masterpost

A list of every one of my Death Note fanfiction works on AO3 in the year 2024.

【General warning going in to read the tags on ao3 and be mindful. Triggers and sensitive content is included in some of the below works.】

2024 events collections:

Death Note Kinktober Collection on ao3

Remisa {Misa/Rem}

satisfying pleasure

1.1k | F/F | E

Rem finds another reason to hate Light Yagami. And another way she is better than him, as well.

watch

1.6k | F/F | E

"Please," she whines. Her wrists twist away from each other, but remain flush due to the rope connecting them. Misa groans in frustration and partial embarrassment. She glances back up to the mirror in front of her and bites her lip. She really does look pretty, though.

break all the rules

<1k | F/F | M

Rem indulges in Misa's public exhibitionism.

my heart is rose-tinted (a dream world)

2.3k | F/F | E | ongoing

Rem visits her nearly every week. Since she turned eighteen, the succubus (that is what she claims to be —Misa sees her more as a Goddess) has been draining her for all she is worth. It is perhaps due to the manipulations of her mind and body —the way Rem always knows the right place to touch, how hard to press, how much pain to inflict to balance out the pleasure— that Misa has found herself unable to be truly upset about it all. Rem is perfect, really. It’s to be expected, considering her role. But Misa cannot help but feel attached to her, foolish as it is. Love makes you foolish; Rem says it all the time.

baby blue

<1k | F/F | G

Misa paints Rem's nails.

good boyfriend

<1k | F/F | M

Rem doesn’t technically have a gender, so does it matter if she lets Misa refer to her as a man for Misa’s own comfort?

Meronia {Mello/Near}

bloody mess

2.9k | F/F | E

Near is unfortunate enough to have a menstrual cycle, but Mello is there to take care of her.

only you and i

3.1k | M/M | E

It's, honestly, exactly what he'd wanted upon initiating this. Mello would take Near's virginity and no one else would get the chance to even look at him. Near wouldn't want anyone else to look at him, because Mello would finally be enough, in some aspect.

Abuse of Power

1.5k | F/M

Mello’s head is fucking killing him and it makes his mood worse. Not that it could actually get much worse than it is now. Being tied up in the brightest room known to man is pretty fucking annoying. “This isn’t legal,” he speaks up. His voice is hoarse and he has to swallow down the scratchiness in his throat before he can speak again. “It fucking can’t be.” The voice that answers is far smoother. And quieter, calmer. It makes a small little part of Mello feel more at ease to hear it (he snuffs out that part quickly). “You’ve never been one for following the rules. You are also a criminal, after all.”

F sharp

3.7k | F/M | T

[for femininity] Near keeps having weird, totally out-of-the-blue thoughts. Near has a hard time accepting that these thoughts may not be so weird or out-of-the-blue, but mostly can’t get comfortable with what they imply. or 4 times Near should’ve known she was trans, plus 1 time she finally figures it out.

close my eyes, you're here

<1k | M/M | M

This is the only time Near ever allows himself to cry, to mourn for Mello. The only time his thoughts fill with what could have been, what he really wanted.

Stuck in the Dryer...

1.6k | M/M | M

Mello deserves a trophy for dealing with this shit. Firstly for putting up with Near at all, let alone being charitable enough to allow Near to live with him (as if Near couldn't afford his own, nicer apartment on top of a caretaker). Secondly because Near trying to be seductive is like watching a teenager fumble with shitty pick up lines on their first date. And thirdly for not giving into Near's admittedly shitty, yet somehow alluring attempts at getting into Mello's pants. or Mello might be slightly delusional and too horny for his own good. Near gets stuck in a dryer.

Lawlight {Light/L}

tie the knot

3.4k | M/M | E

This isn't really what Light had in mind when L decided to chain them up together. Sure, it might have felt like some sort of fucked up marriage certificate that Light had no choice but to sign. A sort-of ‘death do we part’ kind of agreement. But Light was also well-aware (too fucking aware) of how ridiculous he sounded when he told himself that. ‘The old ball and chain’ was a stupid saying anyway. Light is kidding himself.

Focus

<1k | M/M | M

Light and L are watching porn and yet Light can’t seem to keep his eyes on the screen.

Bathroom Break

<1k | M/M

L uses Light's mouth.

monsters who suck blood (and monsters who always tell lies)

3.5k | 2/2 | M/M | E

Seeing Light bent over a body, scooping ludicrous amounts of blood into his mouth and missing almost entirely sent L reeling. His first thought was that he was right; Light Yagami was clearly a vampire.

Other {Misc. Ships & Gen}

Forgive Him Before He's Dead

<1k | Gen | T

Light bites back a frustrated huff. Of course, he's still just as predictable to L. The man even saw his own death coming. Although... he seemed genuine. Even in the face of saying words that should mock Light's need for a mask, L looks like he means it. And he seems disappointed that Light took the path he's supposed to in order to uphold his facade. Light wants to surprise L, for once. He wants to give him what he wants, what he thinks he can't get. or The rain scene goes slightly differently, yet it changes nothing.

Misa-Misa

<1k | Gen | M

Misa-Misa bleeds out next to her stalker and perpetrator in the alley of her porn industry building on the 12th of March at 21:13 in Tokyo, Japan.

can you stomach it

<1k | Gen / M/M | Implied Bloodmoon

Light’s lips part obediently to take B’s fingers into his mouth. He sucks and gags slightly at the taste. B knows, in time, he will no longer shiver as the blood runs down his esophagus.

MY HUSBAND IS A BOTTOM!

2.7k | F/M | E | Yagamane

Misa is not above breaking out of her ‘perfect, obedient wife’ shell if it means Light will finally pay attention to her.

Closed Game

1.7k | F/F | M | Kiyomisa

Kira is dead. The world doesn’t know that, of course. Not even the current owner of the notebook understands that the original Kira is long gone. Light was a stand-in. A temporary substitute until Misa finally assumed her role. That is what Kiyomi will tell Mikami —and Mikami will believe her. Light may have paved the way, experienced the original vision of a New World, but Misa will be the one to experience the fulfillment of that vision.

If there are any mistakes you noticed on this masterlist please DM me on Tumblr and let me know. It's much appreciated :)

⟨dividers by cafekitsune on tumblr⟩