#making friends is really hard for me and idk how to use social media correctly hehe

[once-in-a-half-life]

ouuughg I'm trying to open up more and talk more about stuff here (since this is MY blog and I can do what I want) but i also want to interact with people around here more bc it can be fun sometimes ... but good god is it scary. it's like I have to fight myself every time v.v

[lukeytvssecrettumbler]

Pokemon au's popping up just as I regained a Pokemon hyperfixation, fantastic!

Anyways

1st gym - Ghost - Badboyhalo

He's a strong trainer, his gym just happens to be the first many go to. Some say he can even speak to the spirits beyond simply pokemon.

2nd gym - Water - Foolish

The gossip among the region. He's incredibly popular for many things, varying from architecture skills or babysitting, yet he's always had a soft spot for a certain elite four member.

3rd gym - Normal - Cellbit

While normal may not have been the route many would go for, The lead detective of the police department seems it's a fine type if used correctly, due to the simple fact of only having one weakness.

4th gym - Electric - Tazercraft

Pac and Mike, Better known as Tazercraft, lead production for many of the big-city if the region's power (Sorta like Anime Clemont in X and Y) They give the doubles challenge to trainers.

5th gym - Fighting - Fit

Coming from many years in the shadows, documenting events from past wars throughout history, Fit now acts as gym leader, both for trainers and like.. actual use. Some have seen his and Tazercraft's, particularly Pac's, closeness in recent months and wonder what may be happening.

6th gym - Psychic - Antoine

A mysterious guy who walks the towns, yet friendly in conversation. He used to DJ at large parties, apparently.

7th gym - Ice - Nihachu

The sweetest baker around, she works to make both warm delicacies and chill treats for people and pokemon alike.

8th gym - Dragon - Ironmouse

Her dragons are her little babies... even if they're thrice her size <33 She's known for her energetic personality, bring a social media personality is hard but she keeps her appearance up while being as true as she can!!

(debating how to write her CVID if I make this a bigger thing)

-------

Elite Four

Rock - Vegetta

Recently he's been away for buisness trips... Running things like that are hard! More often then not now, They have to bring a replacement for him :/

Steel - Tubbo

A great inventor with grand factories, he may be the youngest of any high-ranking trainers but he climbed to the top quickly through his skill. He serves as Vegetta's replacement, yet he recognized as an official member.

Flying - Phil

A simple family man, He always seemed to become friends with strong trainers, and for good reason! In large tournaments, he almost always won. Except in one, Where a kid with green hair and a few ghost types won. That's how he really got known in the first place...

Poison - Bagi

A private detective, working to solve what her brother couldn't, She only recently joined the Elite Four after their previous member, Maximus, passed away due to unknown reasons.

Dark - Roier

Just a guy, a very silly guy. Idrk how to describe him just a very funky guy. He's shown to be one of few people who could even DEFEAT the champion, even thpugh everyone thought he wasn't as strong as he was. Sometimes thats the best strategy?

Champion - Étoiles

Known as 'The Kalosian Beast' (that sounds so bad...) He's climbed up since the day he arrived to the region, defeating people one by one and now sitting on top. Despite the fame this may bring, he's actually a pretty casual guy! Talking to people and watching gym battles are some things outside of battling he enjoys.

Idk. The urges hit me as I pulled out my 3ds

[0scill4te]

.

The line between delusion and paranoia seems to be a very blurry one. i guess its a delusion when you believe it is ACTUALLY for certain 100% that it is actually happening and nothing else can prove otherwise.

i dont know though. can someone just genuinely be aware they are delusional? Simutaneously be scared its real while deep down you know your brain is just kind of crazy and prone to these things for whatever reason? Things like believing you are being keylogged by friends or coworkers? Or that someone deceased (that you knew) is watching you and reading your mind? Or thinking that whenever you chat with someone online, if you share art with them, they will use google to reverse search it and find you on other social media, so you end up deleting the art in fear? Shit like that. I know thats all crazy but for whatever reason I go through phases sometimes where I genuinely believe in these intricate, outlandish, unrealistic things and drug use always worsens it, Im not gonna lie. its why i try so hard to not let myself slip into daily use because its admittedly very easy too- drugs soften life a lot. But it also makes me really lose touch with reality more easily and its not good

I genuinely dont know. i still don't understand what was going on with me in august bc thats when i really reached a bad peak. Its what prompted me to delete my old blog even, i was having unfounded surveillance based fears (ex: thinking one specific coworker was stalking me online?) and felt like people were conspiring against me

i feel more normal these days. but i feel like it could happen again, and it does scare me. Life in general feels weird and I feel like my blog probably reflects that even. I try to contain all the weirdness to myself and not broadcast it so much. I private post most things.i want my blog to be a place where i can be genuine. But obviously oversharing in a public setting comes with its downfalls. I genuinely do feel like a "kooky" person.. like. Kind of ill, not all there sometimes.

I think I really just need to talk to my T. I get mini "hallucinations" too and everything in general just isnt feeling right, even vision wise. Things will feel okay for a few weeks then I slip into these headspaces and its confusing because its like.. maybe the "hallucinations" are merely a bottom-up processing issue, you know? like my brain falsely interpretting stimuli in my environment incorrectly. Iike I will see a cat for a split second but no, its just a towel on the ground. A disconnect between your eyes and your brain correctly interpretting the stimuli. Is that even a thing? I feel like it has to be. Occipital lobe stuff maybe, Idk.

But some things are just unexplainable. Like in the winter, I saw a mouse at my job crawl up the wall and slip inside this hole, and to this day still dont know if it was real or not. Because im so detached, it felt really fast and weird and dream-like, can mice even climb up walls that fast? When i was drunk recently with my roommate i saw an apparition in the kitchen in the corner of my eye, but only for a split second. And in July, i was high and saw an officer outside my fwbs car window , in great detail- a stern old man with a dark blue cap and I JUMPED. i was fucking terrified, it felt so real. I thought we were gonna get in trouble for trespassing. but a split second later, the cop was gone- aka not real.. no cop was there.

my therapist told me use less weed a few months ago and i think shes right- ive actively been trying to use it less and not daily anymore. I think I should see an optician to rule out if the "hallucinations" are maybe just a weird vision or brain thing. It could be a nutrient thing too- my vision in general feels.. weird. I feel like I sound like a hypochondriac with all of this but things just genuinely feel off and weird sometimes. Idk how to fix it and i always wonder if its normal or not but im terrified to get help for this stuff because its really weird and im scared doctors dont actually want to help and find the actual issue, they'll just label the vision stuff as a mental illness thing and throw antipsychotic meds at me.

[star-on-a-beach]

Okay um. I really don't like doing this, like, ever

But

Tw for vent post, Bc idk, maybe it'll help if I talk about this where it'll be seen and not on a vent blog where I know no one sees it

So it's pretty obvious that pretty much everything right now is in kind of a shit state and I'm really at the end of my line trying to be optimistic about it. Presidential election, rp, guard, college, art, writing, all of this shit, even stuff I'm supposed to enjoy, makes me want to fucking shatter a rock because I don't want to do anything anymore other than scroll through social media on my phone which, I've probably developed an addiction, and of course that makes me feel even fucking worse bc I told myself I'd never get addicted and look at where I am now

So many things I'm unhappy with are really kind of tying back to me and I'm so angry at everything but especially myself now, but theres nothing I feel like I can do about it but try and break it all down I guess?

There's shit going on with color guard and, other than the friends I've made within it and the actual performances, I don't fucking enjoy it anymore because our coach is apparently super fucking shitty and a liar and unfair and argumentative and never sticks with the drill she writes and doesn't give us the resources to put it together correctly, WHEHN SHES LITERALLY OUR COACH AND THATS HER JOB, IVE TRIED SO HARD TO STAY KIND TO HER BUT WITH EVERYONE AROUND ME TALKING SHIT AND TALKING ABOUT WHAT A BAD PERSON SHE IS IM STARTING TO DO IT TOO AND I HATE IT

And then obviously there's the actual schoolwork that needs to get done, I thought I had not one, not two, but 3 FUCKING ESSAYS DUE ON THE 11TH, WHICH WERE ASSIGNED TO US ON WEDNESDAY, AND EACH HAD TO BE 700 WORDS LONG. Granted it doesn't actually have to be like that but teachers are talking about finals now and I'm going to have SO many essays for that and I have a whole debate too. I'm tired and sick of waking up at ridiculously different times for classes and not being able to have a goddamn nap bc I'm either working, procrastinating with the screens addiction again, or I don't have enough time because god knows I can't take power naps for SHIT, and I'm not fucking paying for coffee in this economy

I can't even relax how I normally want to because I'm so tired from everything, too. Writing big things for TAOCC or drawing feels like a chore, and then I feel obligated to draw others characters or I want to actually do so but I have no energy for it, and I can't get my art to look how I want it to perspective-wise, no matter how many tutorials I look at, and it never ends up the way I want and I haven't even finished TAOCCTOBER or Memoryquest, both of which I feel shitty for, because then they're both more things that I'm giving up on, and I give up on so much shit so easily unless I'm being pushed over and over and over and over, although rn I really wanna just say to hell with it and kill both of them entirely

And with taocc as a whole, I don't even know where to begin. I mentioned in my earlier post that I'm struggling to be assertive and actually say what I want with RP, which results in me feeling really unsatisfied with it a lot. I feel like people aren't interested in my characters and I need to be the one trying to build the characters' connections by asking questions, which. I love when other characters ask mine questions, because so much would be revealed if PEOPLE JUST ASKED. I know you guys don't mean it in this way but I feel like I'm trying to push all of this out, but I barely get anything back except for maybe one question or comment or smth, but it feels like the characters aren't interested in my characters' pasts, and that means the mods aren't either. Which, is really no fault of yours, whether you are or not, it's my fault because I can't bring myself to get off my high horse and actually say "hey, are you willing to have your characters ask about mine?" because I have the firm mentality of "if they wanted to, they would", and I'm trying to make other characters feel important while also craving mine to feel important, but the moment they do, I wonder if I'm taking the main-character roles too much and I need to even it out so I immediately divert the attention back to yours and feel shitty about it. Once again, this is no one's fault but mine, and this is partially why my relationship with my last rp partner, aka my ex bsf, ended, because I wasn't assertive enough and kept wondering if I was hogging the spotlight any time focus did switch to my characters which just isn't enjoyable for anyone. So I'm angry and terrified that these patterns which are repeating are going to lead to a similar outcome.

It isn't even just that though, I just really hate how I write as a whole rn. I used to be so poetic and good with words but now they read difficult unless I'm writing a great wall of text, and my characters aren't acting the way I want to, partially because I'm trying to morph them to get along more with other characters and diminish their flaws so they're liked by others, but it just takes away from who they were originally and I hate that as well. It's easy to get caught up in the heat of the rp but for fucks sake I expect myself to be a better writer than this.... and I haven't even gotten around to fixing the fucked-up-with-a-side-of-cheddar timelines, which have been NAGGING at my mind for FUCK KNOWS HOW LONG, but once again, I don't even want to do anything anymore and I get mad bc the only things I wanna do are just self indulgent shit and like hell I'm asking for that from anyone (see, that's part of the problem, right there.)

I think the only thing I hate more than not being assertive with rp is the fact that I'm an adult among you all. Yes, being 18 now while the majority of you are minors is a massive fucking deal to me, and I'm realizing why exactly adults generally avoid friendships like this, because I'm constantly worried about being a good example to you all. I have to have the good advice, I have to be available, I have to be good with assertiveness and boundaries, hell part of the reason I try and avoid venting so much is because you all do not fucking need to have that burden. Every time I do something like this post I immediately think "these are kids and I'm an adult, it's kids trying to help an adult who should not be saying this stuff or laying this burden on them", as if I'm some kind of weirdo. I really try my damndest to not be one of those adults who dumps all their problems on adolescents in order to feel better about their own shitty life, I don't want to be the adult who their younger friends are comforting all the time and have that burden on them (yes, I am completely aware this post contradicts that, and yes, I am very ashamed but I feel Im at rock bottom and you guys deserve to know (but don't deserve the burden of it)). I don't feel like the example I want to be to you guys, I'm incredibly dense, and half the time, I feel like an oblivious idiot for the simplest fucking things in rp even when no one says anything that implies any of you guys think that. I get so annoyed as well, and that's another part I especially hate, it's that I get annoyed with the smallest things so damn easily, whether it's someone saying something random in call and breaking silence, or someone talking about a subject after we've moved on, or a rant that's gone on for a really long time. All of those are ridiculous things to be annoyed by, and I'm completely aware of that. I'm not proud of it whatsoever. It might also be the weather, but I'm so, so, so annoyed by so many tiny, insignificant things nowadays that it's ridiculous, and I've snapped on call a few times which I feel horrible about. I'm trying so hard to be a good, strong role model for all of you, because that's what you deserve and I want to be like that for you. But, both here and in real life, my own idiocy and density and emotions make me feel like I'm never going to escape being a dense, emotional, spacy child who keeps trying to catch up. And as an adult, I'm really, really, really upset that I feel like this because once again, you guys are the minors, not me. I'm not saying you guys should feel like that (I really hope not, no one should feel like that), but it feels even worse since I'm trying to be the adult for you guys to look up to, but I'm looking up to all of you instead. And then, even worse, I get jealous. Not of the bad shit you guys go through, but like. Insignificant things. Art styles, friends, activities, actually having your family around. I really hate myself for being jealous of that and always comparing and trying to match it since it's completely hypocritical of me otherwise.

I'm closing up this vent, but tw for some darker themes in the next paragraph

I'm really just kind of sick of life as a whole. I'm done being an adult, to hell with this, just let me be the younger friend again so I don't have to see myself as an old baby. I'm tired of all of this and the dark jokes I make, they're horrible, but they're becoming more common and I think about the content of them a lot. I'm so tired of this shit and feeling like this and I'm mad and ashamed that I'm making this post because of everything I said above. I'm so done with everything. To hell with this country, to hell with my future, to hell with drawing and writing and trying to put stuff out. At the time of writing this I'm crying, because I'm really really missing my dad. I want to hug him and be with him. I want my family overall to be okay. I want to feel happy and content with myself and my life like back in summer. I'm so sorry for having to say all this but it's the truth and, again, this is my last resort for trying to feel better because hell knows I don't have the initiative to make an appointment and talk to a therapist on campus. Ik this will go away later but ffs i don't know if I can wait until later.

Ok, heavy vent part is over

I've said a lot so I'm ending it here. If you choose to ignore this, that's fine. I'd appreciate some kind of acknowlegement, tbh, whether it's a like or a comment or something, or just a kind word (whatever you do, please don't just put *hug* and leave it at that, hugs dont really feel like they have much more meaning at this point). It feels ridiculous to ask you for comfort especially after kinda dumping all of this here for you guys to see but I might as well try ig. Idk, I'm gonna just try and not delete this out of shame.

I hope you all know that I love you guys so, so, so, so much. This community has brought me so much joy and leaving is the last thing I'd ever dream of unless I had to. I hope you guys don't mind me doing this too much. Logically Ik you probably don't but, really, none of what I just vented about is based in logic regardless.

Thank you for reading, whether it was skimming or fully reading it. Kind words are appreciated but obviously not forced and I love you guys so much. Goodnight ❤️

[akimarshmallow]

Rogues Gallery and their knowledge of internet/memes/social media HCs

Hatter: Tbh i dont really see him using the internet, however if someone decides to show him a meme hes absolutely delighted. He either finds those bizzare like. Oversaturated picture of a glass of water labeled "moist" type memes OR those corny/goofy dad joke type memes the funniest shit ever. Or both idk

Scarecrow: Too focused on other things to care. He'll post something once in a blue moon. usually anonymously starts one of those fake scary copypastas or discord "dont add these people as your friend!!" Scares to fuck with people

Harley: Uses it quite often. Shes probably the second most cultured, behind Selina. She has the biggest following on social media, though

Ivy: Gets all her knowledge from Harley. Mostly likes it because Harley likes it

Croc: He has some difficulty accessing it in the first place (its hard for him to hold a phone or type on a computer) but he finds memes like. Mildly amusing. One time he learned about the monsterfucker community and hasnt been able to stop thinking about it for whatever reason (interpret as you wish)

Riddler: He uses the internet often. mostly reddit and he likes to fight people on twitter and youtube comments. However, he like.. doesnt really know how to use memes correctly? If that makes sense? He always references or uses them in the wrong context, and it comes across as trying too hard

Selina: The most cultured out of them all when it comes to the internet. References stuff irl but, like, in a cool way. Harley and her call each other "bestie" all the time

Penguin: Hes kinda eh about it. Maybe he'll snort or chuckle if someone shows him a meme that he finds particularly funny, at least to his sense of humor. Its hard to do that, though

Mr Freeze: Doesnt care. Like at all. Hes too focused on his research, much like Crane

(If you want me to add more rogues lmk and also totally feel free to add on i love hearing other ppls ideas)

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with JET

The first story by JET (Jesemie's Evil Twin) was posted at Gossamer in 1999. You probably remember if you've read any of her stories because she has a unique voice among the many authors of X-Files fanfic. Many of her stories are at Gossamer, but some that aren't there include "Small Lives Awake" and two little fics in its universe, "Imagination" and an Untitled fic. Big thanks to JET for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

Honestly, yes. I mean, it's nice, but a little bit surreal. What I feel highly conscious of is that the show premiered 27 years ago; some days that feels like 27 centuries ago. But maybe only because this year has lasted 27 centuries? idk

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

I got so lucky finding the group of kind, smart, crazy talented writers I found, and it was sheer dumb luck because I was so incredibly dippy and both underwhelmed by the interwebs of the time (frames! Netscape! whatever was up with Geocities and all those freakin' starscape backgrounds!) and overwhelmed by things like newsgroups (I still have literally no idea how those worked, but there seemed to be 900 kazillion XF fans there). It was great to find a bunch of people who liked the show at the same level I did (cough, A Normal Amount, cough), though in some ways that seems like the bonus to simply having found such a wonderful group of people with whom I am still in contact. The real government conspiracies with hostile extraterrestrials were the friends I made along the way...or something like that.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

A few writers had their own websites (I guess that's what those were?) that I'd lurk around, but mostly I was loyal to a couple of email mailing lists and LiveJournal. Unsurprisingly to anyone who's met me, I was bad at keeping up with them; I did try to, though. (Am I remembering correctly that folks started leaving LJ when Russia got involved somehow? The post-show 2000s are a big blur to me now.)

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

Quite specifically, that poor dude who coughs up a baby fluke in the shower during "The Host". That such a thing -- in retrospect, a nifty and deeply gross practical effect -- had made it onto network TV blew my mind. I did also love Scully and Mulder very quickly. They seemed like such engaging grown ups in all the right ways: intelligent, hard working, clever, loyal to each other, and, if you recall early season two, wearing some of the saddest bureaucrat suits and sporting the least flattering haircuts I'd ever seen on screen. <3

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

I have a vague recollection that I had been reading fanfic for something like a year and finally had a story I wanted to try writing. Shout out to Jill Selby for being the nicest, most supportive first reader anyone could have asked for.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

I think of it very fondly! I've otherwise stepped away almost entirely.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

I have been in much, much, much more peripheral ways. Partly that's because Life; I don't in general have the kind of free time I had as a college student and part-time employee (and free time circa 1999 was time I should've been using to study or go full-time at my then-job or whatever). I think perhaps because I had such a special, legit lovely experience with XF fandom -- and because I'm still friends with so many people from that time -- I've never much wanted to throw myself into another fandom at the same level.

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

In small doses, yes. I wasn't a casual viewer back in the day and I'm still not, so I watch a few eps here and there when I know I'll have time to really enjoy them but not so much time that I'll become a complete addict again. In an age of ~peak TV~ there seem to be 782 new shows annually, and I maybe watch 1 of them,  and they never seem to remind me much of XF -- which either means I've missed the shows that have been influenced by XF or the show has retained a kind of singularity. Honestly, I suspect (or maybe just hope) it's the latter.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

I reread Kipler and Penumbra's XF stories every so often and grind my teeth with continued jealousy. But most of my fic consumption these days is in Black Sails (QUEER PIRATES TRYING TO OVERTHROW ENGLAND. PLEASE WATCH BLACK SAILS), Superbat (Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne), and The Witcher. (Have I seen The Witcher? No. Have I read the books? The first one and maybe 1/6 of the second one. Have I played the video games or read the comics? No. Has that stopped me from reading fic? No.)

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

Oh man, I have never been able to pick favorites. That said, "Unwritten" was possibly the sparest story I wrote and I still really like the imagery in it.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

Never say never. No plans to write anything else in XF at present. (This does make me wonder, though, if there're any drafts on an old somehow-still-active email account somewhere...)

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

Ha haha ahaha, no. (Well, my mom knows I was in a ~writing group~. Thankfully, she has never asked for further details.) Like. It amazes and charms me that, say, someone who is in high school right now may feel exactly 0 hesitation in sharing their fannishness with everyone, everywhere. Fandom is much more understood and accepted as a hobby/way of life/style goals, I think, than it was 25 years ago. But the whole reason I went online in 1997 to look for XF fans was because all the sweet people in my offline life who watched the show were, hmm-- What's a nice way of saying that talking to them about the show was like chewing tinfoil? Compartmentalization has served me well for decades now. :D

(Posted by Lilydale on July 28, 2020)

[purplesurveys]

1183

survey by xflirtykaosx

Alphabetti Spaghetti (1/3)

And we will fall in love with shooting stars. - A

Have you ever seen an Aardvark? I don’t think so.

Were you ever abandoned in a public place as a child? Where? Abandoned is a pretty harsh word lol. My parents did like playing pranks on me and hide whenever I’d get distracted at the grocery or department store. They’d let me get nervous or even tear up for a bit until showing up again.

What accent do you have? I guess just your standard Filipino English accent that’s common among people who were able to take up English studies. I don’t really know how to describe it.

Is there someone in your family addicted to something? What is it? I don’t think so.

Have you ever been under general anaesthetic? What were you having done? I think so? When I had a tooth extraction done on me two years ago I was told I was going to be injected with anaesthesia, but I didn’t feel as if anything changed throughout the procedure. Either my dentist told me fake news lol or he’s just really good at his job for me to not notice anything.

How do you show the ones you love affection? It depends on the person. Around my friends, I know I’ve had taken a liking to them once I start getting especially talkative with them. For people I have even deeper relationships with, I like...buying them gifts, I guess. Getting them things that remind me of them. I would also bend over backwards to do nice deeds for them, like driving them to their destination even if I find it far.

Are you more passive or aggressive? I tend to be very passive aggressive in the way I deal with things.

Do you like the band Aha!? Not in particular.

Do you know anyone called Aidan? What are they like? Nope.

Ever heard of the band Ajax? No but I know that’s a brand of like cleaner or something. That’s close enough to ‘band’ haha.

Do you know anyone called Akash? I don’t either.

Do the sound of fire alarms scare you? They would obviously be scary if it rang for a real reason. Who wouldn’t freak out over a fire?

Do you live in America? If so, which state? If visited, where'd you go? No, and I’ve never visited either. I’d love to take a trip to cities like New York, New Orleans, Portland, and Chicago one of these days.

Have you ever had an ant infestation in your house? Only when there’s food left out accidentally.

Aora - did I spell that correctly? I don’t even know what you’re referring to, so I can’t tell you if you’ve spelled whatever it is right.

Do you have a preference in Apple? What type do you prefer? I don’t quite get this question - like a preference within Apple products? I mean, a phone and a laptop are essentials for me, and generally I do prefer having an iPhone and Macbook over other brands; but I can live without an iPad, an Apple Watch, iMac, Apple Pen, etc...if this is what you mean.

Are you an Aquarian? Is anyone in your family/your partner/best friend? ...You mean Aquarius? No. I don’t believe in astrology nor pay attention to zodiac signs either, so I wouldn’t be able to name Aquariuses that I know right off the bat.

Have you ever worn any type of armor? Which type? I don’t think I’ve ever had to, no.

Do you use the word ass a lot? Kinda, but it’s usually part of a longer word, i.e. asshole, asshat, deadass, etc.

Have you or your family had an attorney? What for? Not to my knowledge.

Is your car/family’s car an automatic gear or manual? Automatic.

Are you interested in aviation, piloting and aircrafts? Just the slightest bit. I would love to learn how to fly a plane, and I would be willing to pay for lessons. It’s just the type of activity that’s super hard to squeeze into an already-hectic schedule of mine.

What was the last award you recieved for? A academic distinction in college.

Axl Rose - like or dislike? Like, but I’m nowhere near a passionate fan. I just don’t have any reasons to actively dislike him.

Do you like air being spelt ayre or ayer in rap or hiphop or is it nasty? I don’t care.

Is the sky outside Azure? If not, what shade is it? No, it’s pitch black.

Belle amour (we've been here before). - B

Do you call anyone baby? Is it sweet or an overrated name for affection? Just my dogs. I find it sweet; it’s my preferred term of endearment if in a relationship.

Bby - does this shortened version bug you? No; my friends and I use this with each other.

Do you know what BC in terms of time stands for? Before Christ, but I prefer using BCE.

BDf - For or against? I don’t know what this is referring to.

Do you prefer beach breaks, city breaks or winter breaks? Why? Beach breaks. Winter break is an immediate cross-out since we don’t even have winter; and I already live and work in an urban area as it is. Beaches are my way to go if I want to escape life for a bit and completely unwind.

Do you spell out boyfriend properly or put bf in texts/online? I can use either depending on what I feel like typing out. It’s not that serious haha.

Do you know what bg is short for? Upon reading this question I immediately thought ‘background,’ but if this question had another meaning in mind I wouldn’t be aware of it.

Do you know anyone with the last name Bhays? No.

Have you ever been bird watching? What did you see? No, doesn’t sound like my kind of hobby.

Do you like Bjork? Not in particular, but just like the Axl Rose question I don’t have anything against her either.

What does this read: bk 2moz miss u lyk fk. Doesn't this text speak annoy? No one types like this anymore at least among people I know, but I imagine it would lowkey bother me a bit.

Do you like BMWs? They’re whatever. I don’t pay attention to cars much.

What is the nearest book to you called? How many times have you read it? There aren’t any books here up on the rooftop.

BnQ - gone there? What did you buy? Idk what that is.

Are you more brainy or brave? I wanna say brainy, if anything? I’m pretty jumpy lol.

Did you like the BSBs (Backstreet Boys) as a kid? How about now? No, I’m a little too young for that generation of artists and groups.

Burgers, Hot Dogs or Salads at a Barbecue? We don’t really practice ~barbecues~ here. But at Filipino parties I would usually flock to lumpia and fried chicken, hehe.

Do you have a Byro? No, because I also don’t know what that is.

Cold eyes and filthy lies all leave me petrified. - C

Do you have a Cactus (Cacti)? No, I don’t like plans.

Do you know what a CCTV is? Yes...?

How many CDs are in the room you are currently in? None where I am right now but I have all of Beyoncé’s albums save for Lemonade in my bedroom. I also have Paramore’s self-titled album and Hayley Williams’ Petals For Armor. My CD collection is about to experience a revival because of BTS, though. My plan to get all versions of all their albums is rock solid, lmao.

What's your favourite cereal brand? Cookie Crisps.

Do you like children's TV shows still? Which one(s)? I’ll revisit an episode or two of shows I watched as a kid at a given time for old times’ sake, but I don’t regularly watch children’s TV shows anymore. I haven’t for a very long time.

Cinnamon - Yum or Yuck? I’m actually kind of in the middle about it. I feel like too many desserts have been banking on cinnamon, so the taste of it can be a little tiring. It’s delicious if I haven’t had it for a while, though.

Do you know anyone with the initials and or name CJ? Quite the opposite; I know PLENTY of JCs, even my sister is one. I know one or two CJs but that’s it.

Have you ever met a self professed clairvoyant? What did they do/say? No.

Do you watch CNN News? What's your prefered news channel/show? I don’t tune into the channel but every once in a while I will encounter a CNN link on social media that I’d actually click on and read through. As for preferred news sources, I don’t have one as there are matters to criticize about 99% of them lol; but I am most likely to trust articles I from AP or Reuters. Just things you pick up as a journalism student. 

How many cousins do you have? I have 9 first cousins. I lose count by the time I try to go beyond that since I don’t even know all of my dad’s cousins, which makes it hard to track who my second cousins are.

Do you still draw with crayons? When was the last time you did? Drew what? I don’t remember anymore.

Do you know what a CSS feed is? What is it? I’m familiar with the term but never bothered to learn about what it is.

Do you like cycling/biking? What type of bike do you have? ...I don’t even know how to ride a bike.

Do you really like it, is it is it wicked. - D

What is the most dangerous animal you've petted/held? I can’t decide between snake or crocodile.

Do you like Death Metal? If so, which band(s)? I wouldn’t say I do.

Did you ever keep a diary/journal? I did a million attempts to keep a diary when I was younger, but I was never able to keep up with any of them and I ended up having 4598358395 notebooks with one or two entries each at most. Having a Tumblr page for surveys has so far been my most successful streak at keeping some type of journal.

Do you prefer small, medium, large or no dogs? I prefer all dogs.

Do you know what DP stands for in porn? Yes.

Have you ever dressed up as a celebrity for a party/Halloween? I went as my favorite female wrestler once. I wouldn’t strictly call her a celebrity, but she’s a very well-known personality in the wrestling industry so she’s popular in that right.

DS or Wii? Why? Wii. I was able to make more memories with it.

Does dust make you sneeze or cough? Sneeze, usually.

How many DVDs do you have all together? Idk, I don’t buy DVDs anymore.

Do you dye your hair regularly, sometimes or never? I’ve never done it.

Every love lies sometimes . . . - E

What's something you refuse to eat? Most fruits.

Don't you think the word ebb is so pretty? I’m neutral about it. I don’t use it a lot.

Do you like Chocolate Eclairs? I love eclairs in general haha. Chocolate eclairs in particular sound delicious.

Ever tried edible paper? Yeah, with the White Rabbit candy.

Eevee - pretty name or too Pokemon-y? Definitely very Pokemon-y. 

Do you sometimes mix up the spellings/meanings of affection and defection? Erm, no? They have completely different spellings and meanings, so I personally have never switched them up.

Do you have a big ego, low self esteem or somewhere in between? I think I’m somewhere in between. I’m insecure about some things about myself, but I don’t really put myself down 24/7. I feel like that would put such a strain on my mental health, which I certainly would never need.

What Element does your starsign fall under? I think earth? My co-workers were just discussing this last Friday, but I couldn’t really butt in since I can’t bring myself to care about astrology. I know they mentioned Taurus being an earth sign though.

Do you show your emotions easily and freely or hide them? Depends...I can do either depending on the situation.

What is your favourite form of entertainment? Korean reality shows are quickly becoming a favorite of mine at the moment. I also like compilation videos on YouTube.

What will they write on your epitaph? I’ve honestly hadn’t put much thought into this yet, and I don’t plan to anytime soon. It just seems like a super grave thing to think about lol.

Estimate/guess what number we are on now? Maybe 60s or 70s?

Do you know basic social etiquette? I mean etiquette will always differ per country or culture, so what is basic in other countries might not be here, and vice versa. I think it’s hard to measure.

Does your country use the Euro, Great British Pound, Dollar or other? Other.

Do you still get excited on Christmas Eve? Yes. Mostly for the free food and the opportunity to see relatives I really only ever see every December 24.

What animal/creature that is extinct do you wish wasn't? Those that went extinct from human activity.

What colour eyes do your parents have? Black/dark brown.

[lala-pipo]

(1/18) *peeks from behind the wall* I hope I am still welcomed here hahaha cricket anon is here! <3 I am very sorry for making you worry last time O.O, for sure no matter what happens to the story, I'm going to be right there to read it! Huehuehue, I literally was not lying when I mentioned that this story is bringing me lots of joy this year :3 Cricket anon is fine now! hahaha my last work place was really bad, kind of black-company-level-bad, and it really took a toll on my mental health…

Dear cricket nony, I already answered one of your non-anonymous asks privately because I was so overwhelmed by the sheer amount of email notifications I got from tumblr and Ao3 that I had to thank you right away, but I still want to do it publically because even after days I’m still overwhelmed that you took so much time to write me a whole essay. I’m still all soft and wobbly and squishy on the inside. Your notifications really made my day, week, probably month – so thanks so much again. It really means so much T___T

(2) so, I kind of took two months? break from social media and just literally try and figure out my life lol basically quarter-life crisis also happening, but yeah slowly getting better now! I hope you are doing fine as well, sending you lots of hugs and love ~^^~ Firstly though!! I wanted to say sorry too that it took a while for me to reply hahaha… BUT!! Let me tell you omg during my rest of 8 weeks, I have managed to re-read ALL. SEVEN. CHAPTERS!! So many things to share!!

I’m so sorry to hear that your last workplace took such a toll on your mental health and I really hope that you are going to get better. I cross all my fingers for you and send you good vibes only. Please don’t feel pressured to comment at all. I mean everyone loves receiving comments, but it shouldn’t feel like a chore. So if you feel like sharing your thoughts I’m always glad to read them, but if you don’t feel like sharing them, please don’t feel bad about it. <3

(3) However, since my comments were a grand total of 4,000 words lol, I inserted them in AO3 under "cricket anon" in every chapter! :3 You might get confused as you read them because I take notes as I read the chapter lol hahaha I hope my comments might bring some joy <3 Ahh! By the way! These anon messages are partly not anon since anon asks are limited to 10 per hour? I didn’t know that! :( But since I accidentally have revealed myself to you lol I think it should be okay!

I’ll also try to answer your comments on Ao3 in the upcoming days because (if I remember correctly) you had some questions and I hope I can answer some of them. ^^ But I’m impressed that you went through all the chapters again. We’ve reached 150k now, which is quite fascinating to me because there are still quite a few chapters left. I wonder how long the story will be in the end *hides* I didn’t know that either! I’ve been on tumblr for so long and yet this 10 ask limit is new information for me, but it makes sense in some way – if I think about spam accounts or people going around spreading hate or something.

(4) Also, I think I’m going to make my snorts reactions straight onto AO3 from now on, rather than spamming your ask box with 10+ anon messages hahaha but I’ll still come here to share you my overall reactions and analyzations huehuehue and also to possibly warn you about the length of the comment lol something I noticed, from chapter 1 to chapter 7, the comment got longer lol more things to discuss about, I guess!? But yeah!! Let me reply to your reply to my previous ask here!!

LMAO I admire your dedication. Do whatever is most comfortable to you, I will be happy either way ^^ I think it makes sense that someone can comment more on later chapters because the painted picture gets fuller and fuller with details, there is more information about the different characters, the storyline is more developed and so on… ^^

(5) Is the sad scene in chapter 6, you were referring to the conversation that Jong-Taem were having, and then Jong tried to diffuse it into another lighthearted banter, and Taem is just. tired. of. Jong avoiding the conversation? and despite all that, Taem still let Jong come into his room and cuddle to sleep? idk... I find that scene really heartbreaking :( or maybe it was another scene?

For me it was the shower scene tbh. I don’t know, but it always struck something inside of me (is it weird that I’m saying this although I’ve written it?) There is something very fragile about Jonghyun in that scene and Taemin does feel a little helpless and is so caught up in his own thoughts, in his own needs, what he wants (and doesn’t get from Jonghyun) and yeah – it always makes me go :( but yes, the follow up scene is sad as well because you sit there and think – you two are just so damn dumb, which is something most people, who read this story so far – seem to think constantly, because yeah, they are very dumb – each in their own way. ^^

(6) I think I mentioned in the AO3 comment somewhere that even I started to feel like Taem can just leave Jong because Jong is not trying to understand Taem, I mean, nothing to do with his mood swings or his claim that Taem will get bored of him, just that he isn't trying to see things from Taem's perspective whereas Taem is trying! so! hard! and he even tried to ignore the fact that Jong avoid the vital conversations for like the 10th time already :(

Feelings are a very difficult topic – and while chapters 1-9 are very focused on what Taemin does, thinks, wants, needs, wishes etc. the focus does shift a little over to Jonghyun starting from chapter 10. So the reader does get an inside of why Jonghyun might have acted the way he did. If his behavior makes sense is up to the reader (and Taemin as well) to decide – but I think it shines a little more light onto Jonghyun, who the reader doesn’t know much about – feeling wise –, although he’s one of the main characters of the story. ^^ It’s the onion layers that get peeled one by one. ^^

(7) Yeah, re-reading this definitely showed me muCH MORE parallelism in Jong-Key and Taem-Jong dynamics. Even with Taem's mood in a sense? Like how Jong used to be really upset when Key has a new friend, and then suddenly okay when they do sexy times. Before, I only noticed the puppy-love-ness parallel, but then there is more to it, like I said, Taem's mood affected by Jong a lot, just like Jong's by Key, and also the way Jong claims that Key doesn't understand his feelings,

(8) well, it applies to Jong not really wanting to understand Taem's feeling? by just brushing it off as Taem will get bored of him or Taem doesn't know what he is talking about. I mean as a reader, I am also not sure, if it’s either Jong doesn't care or he is scared to show himself or both or maybe there is another reason? Hahaha ^^;;

This is true and done on purpose. ^^ This knowledge doesn’t play a key (haha) part in the storyline, but it is there to show how blinded one can get by one’s own feelings. After adapting to his new life in a dorm Taemin sees through Jonghyun and Kibum’s relationship quite well, but later when it’s about his own relation to Jonghyun he’s completely blindsided and doesn’t see how unhealthy it is at first – him going back and back and back over and over again in the hope that Jonghyun’s behavior towards him might change.

(9) You mentioned that there will be more Jongtae drought, and honestly, I think they need it? I think some space for them to think about things and you know do other things and talk to other people about other things lol maybe it will clear up their heads hopefully? Ahh!! You said the beginning of chapter 5 is for your own sanity lol I totally understand ;), it was a very sweet scene, soft, and kind of endearing compared to what is coming in the next chapters TnT

It depends on how we describe the drought. The hard cut was done in chapter 8. I went in like a warrior and just cut all the strings, not showing any mercy. ^^” I don’t want to spoiler anything, but yeah – the hard drought will continue throughout chapter 9 – soft drought from chapter 10 …… till ….. *closes mouth* 6v6 

Working on chapter 8 made me write two lovey-dovey JongTae oneshots because I couldn’t stand seeing them fight in my own fanfic, in front of my salad. T_T so yeah, the beginning of chapter 5 was for my sanity. While writing chapter 8 I also realized again while I never really write angst, fights – anything dramatic really, because I’m a very chill person in real life, and I like my fanfics to be very chill as well – so writing this was completely out of my comfort zone. For others it’s writing smut for me it’s writing angst lmao. I usually want to wrap up all the characters in fluffy blankets and make them tea, and yet here I am – letting Taemin suffer for so many chapters. I’m a monster T_T

(10) Yeahhh, about the fact that we don't see Key so much since it is in Taemin's point of view, and also the fact that our (the audience)'s perception of Key is very much influenced by how Taem sees Key, right? I think I even mentioned somewhere in the comments, that in a way, a Rashomon effect is present as the readers read the story right, since they are all on accounts of Taem's witnessing, but then also maybe I am just reading too much into this lol

It would be the Rashomon effect if I wrote the same fic out of Jonghyun’s perspective and Minho’s as well for example. In this case Taemin is just a very unreliable narrator and we don’t (well I do :’D) but the reader doesn’t know what’s really going on, if everything Taemin is experiencing is true or if it should be taken with a grain of salt. Considering that everyone in the dorm, except for Taemin, gets along well with Kibum, we might want to believe that Kibum isn’t the bad guy Taemin wants to make him out to be. ^^

(11) Honestly, I could hear my English Lit teacher saying "maybe that is not the author's intention" hahaha xD Yes yes yes!! more chapters for Taem's development!! I am ready for it!! I mean the end of chapter 7 marked the sign of the broken vase, and paired with the JongTae drought, I am looking forward to the next part of the story!! Some character development at this point is perfect I think!! And also!! About the advices, I think I commented a few times on some of the chapters.

(12) I didn't notice that before! And after you pointed it out, I think I made some comments on Minho's, Key's, and Onew's advices to Taem and definitely, based on how the events unfolded, we could argue that the advice was bad - in a way though, I can't seem to tell (yet, maybe?) if the advice giver was genuinely trying to help or do they have ulterior motives? hmmm but either way, I like how you placed a lot of thoughts in the story, even on things such as advice.

(13) Because for sure, in reality, people tend to give bad advices, and act on bad advices. It is true that most fics tend to focus only on the good advice and then the story ends happily ever after. Real life is most definitely not like that :3 your "slice of life" tag is holding up to its name ;) Thank you so much for your hard work!! You added 10,000 words for chapter 7?? omg… huhuhu (insert a bowing LINE sticker)... yeah, for sure, the way the story unfolds in my head,

(14) probably is different to other readers, right? And for sure, very different to you, the author! There are probably a lot more instances, scenes, implications, interpretations? that we as readers are unaware of! Thank you so much for all your hard work TnT, as readers, having more context into the story does give much more clarity on the flow of the story and the feelings of the characters, etc. Thank you for all your hard work! (bow bow bow)

That was something @hwarang-number commented on as well while betaing the story. What if Minho has ulterior motives?!?!?!?!? In Minho’s case it does make sense to give out bad advice to lure in the innocent lamb haha but for example what would Jinki’s or Kibum’s ulterior motives be? Sometimes people want to give out good advice, but in the end it just turns out to be bad advice – unintentionally – humans are just humans after all – and none of us is all knowing, we all perceive things differently, and what might work for one person might not work for the other. I did add 10k to chapter 7 and 25k to chapter 8 – because chapter 8 felt like the most incomplete out of all the chapters in this story. 

I think I’ve mentioned it before but hwarang_number is super attentive while reading and figured most things out that I’ve implied – even smaller details which I thought might get lost in the chapters – which I’m still impressed by, but I also said before that everyone reads stories differently, and some aspects that might not be important to me as the author of the story might be important for the readers and the other way around. For the past chapters I just tried to fill in the gaps that might confuse readers unnecessarily. In the original draft of chapter 8 Taemin is doing the deeds with Minho far more spontaneously because he’s so frustrated with Jonghyun – it made sense like that as well – but I think his frustration got more depth through the added scenes. :)

(15) Ah!! By the way!! Please don't feel like you are forced to reply to all of my messages! Having you read them already makes me happy! I don't want to make it feel like an obligation to you because... well omg my comments like super loooooong hahaha ^^;; And yeah!! Take your time with the next chapter by the way!! I am rooting for the development of the story no matter how it will go :3 I will be waiting for the next update (though no pressure, just want to put it there haha)

Dear cricket nony, if you write me 50 message I will still try to answer all of them ㅎㅅㅎ I might just take a little longer. I hope you will like chapter 8 as well, despite the drought ^^

(16) Next time, this cricket anon will bring some more noise ~ I hope your real-life stuff works out well too :D Once again, thank you for answering all of my messages, and for writing this awesomely written fanfiction! While I wait for the next chapter, I think I'm going to re-read songs of siren hehehe :3 Please stay safe!

Please do! Song of Sirens is definitely a story I would have loved to treat like “Dorm Life” in a sense that it would have turned out better if I had worked on it longer, but I’m still a fan of the big brain energy I had running through my veins when I came up with the mythological aspect of the story…lmao So I hope you will enjoy re-reading it. ^^ Chapter 8 is longer than Song of Sirens (just as a side note haha)

(17) Ah!! I forgot to mention!! After I re-read it, my most favorite literary device that you used in this fanfiction (lol this commentary is beginning to sound like a Literature essay) is the Biblical Allusions? I am not sure if this was your intention, but the juxtapositions of Bible verses or reference to God, in Taemin’s thought reminds me heavily of Taemin’s songs, particularly Heaven? It be a sexy time song if you look at the lyrics, but the composition is that of a choir church song

(18) I find the contrast chilling, and maybe you were trying to invoke that feeling to the readers? Orrr maybe I am perhaps, indeed, reading too much into this hahaha ^^;; but really! I really enjoy reading your fanfictions and coming up with analyzations, it’s very fun, and the fact that I can discuss or ask you questions about it is just makes it even more fun – since in Literature classes we can’t actually ask the author of their true intentions right hahaha okay!! I am done :3 Thank you!! <3

It was my intention and still is, so I’m glad you picked up on that. ^^ I always wanted to write a fanfic in which Taemin’s religion plays a role – even if it’s just on the side – I always make some references to Dante’s circles of Hell (when Taemin is being dramatic again) or I also made a reference to Hieronymus Bosch’s painting The Seven Deadly Sins and the Four Last Things in chapter 8. (I’m a big fan of his work – that dude was wild – the way he painted blows my mind every time I look at one of his paintings). So yes, dramatic Taemin talking about religion and throwing around with biblical references is my brain being wild. ^^ 

I would say that ‘Dorm Life’ is not a really deep story, but I did put a lot of thought into it to not make it your regular smut/romance fanfic. I mean it took time, still does – but I’m glad when people, like you dear cricket nony, appreciate it. So thank you so much for your kind words and sending me all your thoughts and interpretations. <3 I hope you will have a lovely December – please stay healthy and please take good care of yourself. <3

[qualquercoisa945]

Questions Every Fic Writer Secretly Wants to be Asked - the number 1 (have an amazing day!!)

first of all, thank you anon, and you too!!

second of all, how fucking dare you make me choose shlkjdfhlkjhdsflkjgfd

but uh, in all seriousness (and this is gonna be long so be glad i’m putting a read more here guys like it’s for your own good jskhgkjldhgjfdhkj)

i love all of them honestly!!! 

like, thank you for taking a chance on me was my first ever au that ever grew into something more than just a vague idea (like god i have a Lot of stuff about that au, @the-quiet-winds can absolutely confirm this) and obviously i’m incredibly proud of that, and that story was the first thing i ever wrote for it so i’m lowkey kinda biased

and then when she sees me was pure self indulgence but also one of the very first fics i wrote for the fandom, and even though it’s pretty crappy in hind sight, i’m still hella proud of it because it was one of the very first fics i ever wrote, and also the reason i started talking to julie and @ichlugebulletsandcornnuts if i remember correctly, so it just means a lot to me honestly!! plus i think it was one of the first fics ever posted to focus on one of the ladies in waiting, so although i don’t write about them much anymore, there’s that too!!

faith ain’t no privilege is the longest fic i’ve ever written, and also one that, despite being relatively old by now, i’m still incredibly proud of it!! not to mention, it’s part of @cool-kept​‘s spy au, and she’s one of my closest friends, so i’m also incredibly happy that i got to take a part in it

part 1 of love doesn’t discriminate was one of my favorite fics to write- the transitions were a bit of a struggle at first but i loved it either way, i got to explore a softer side of both cathy and anne, as well as address a topic that i was certainly going to explore eventually- what t***** s****** did to lizzie. also, it was an opportunity to explore how the kids come back into the queens’ lives, and i’m extremely excited for the next few parts

as you watch her go was one of the very first fics i ever wrote, inspired by the first post i ever saw from one of the queens’ social media- aimie’s post about the anniversary of katherine howard’s beheading. a few weeks later, i was talking to a friend about how kitty’s favorite holiday would be valentine’s day, and then i remembered that the anniversary of her beheading would be right the day before. with all that said, i was also interested in exploring kitty and anne’s dynamic, and since at the time most of the content involving anne made her incredibly chaotic, i wanted to explore a softer side to her

with when you’re on your own, i wanted to create a contradiction of sorts, between the inspiration for the title and the contents of the story, since the song when the sun goes down is an incredibly soft love duet, while the story is focused about the thoughts that plague the queens’ minds when they’re alone, despite how hard they try to avoid them. it’s pure character study, and it was incredibly interesting to write. i loved parr’s bit especially, because it allowed me to try and write something from her perspective and with the kind of language she’d use, which was a bit of a struggle, admittedly, but also so much fun

i am high and drunk on ego was another fic focused on one of the queens’ beheading’s anniversaries, this time anne’s, and also this time with me having a much better grasp on the queens’ characterization. writing anne and aragon’s conversation was honestly my favorite part of this entire fic, and even though it was written in a bit of a rush, i fucking loved it man

we see things that nobody else sees was another fic i wrote in a bit of a rush, but it’s one of my favorite pieces either way. it’s much more character study like than my usual fics, but i’d noticed that most people were mainly posting soft headcanons for the kids when they did write for them, so i figured i should address at least some of the trauma they have

pride is not the word i’m looking for is actually part of a (potential) series with fics about the kids, all titled with dear theodosia lyrics because i’m a basic bitch. it’d be based on what the kids are most scared about regarding their moms (so in lizzie’s case, disappointing her and losing her again, though that last one is a bit of a constant throughout all of the kids). i loved writing a more softer side of lizzie with that fic, as well as a gentler side with anne that wasn’t complete shit in terms of characterization (looking at you, as you watch her go)

but honestly? as basic as it sounds, i’m gonna have to say that But It Sure Felt Nice When He Was Holding My Hand, affectionately named the Kitty Snaps Fic. it’s my first ever multi chapter that I’m actually finishing, and i’m so genuinely proud of every single part, and for once i can genuinely say that i mean it when i say that.

burned out was my first ever fic for the six fandom- just a tiny little thing i threw together because @vioislit​ said burned out by dodie was a katherine howard song and i figured i should write something inspired by it. it also served as bit of me ranting through her, though since at the time i hadn’t looked into what aragon had gone through, so i had to avoid the topic. i might end up rewriting this story eventually honestly, because as much as i love it, there are some things that need some improvement

being awfully loud for an introvert is the second installment, titled after monster by, once again, dodie. i didn’t expect burned out to be anything but a one off, angsty one shot, but the more i thought about it, the more i realized that if i did that, it’d be throwing away the perfect opportunity to explore kitty’s dynamics with the other queens. that aside, another title i’d considered for this “we’re both guilty of black and white thinking,” from the same song, highlighting how kitty had completely snapped and wouldn’t hear anything. i also wanted to explore the trauma anne had experienced, since at the time people tended to focus more on the more chaotic, fun loving side of her. this was also another chance to explore the kitty and anne dynamic, this time with kitty being the one of comfort anne

now by shiver, but shiver with a friend, i was noticing a pattern with the titles, and decided to just embrace it and make that the theme- all stories from this fic were going to be titled after dodie songs. and this one in particular was named after party tattoos- me and becca were talking about how well it fit kitty and anna’s friendship, and it was just too perfect.as for the story’s contents themselves, i knew from the start i wanted there to be a flashback. me and jess had talked multiple times about their historical friendship by then, and that coupled with her story, dancing’s not a crime unless you do it without me, made it easy to choose what kind of scene i wanted to write. i also fucking loved getting to write something a bit more cleves centric, and exploring her trauma beyond any self-esteem issues she has was also really fun! finally, this is when you start noticing the build up to the climax of the latest installment. honestly, this one is my favorite out of this fic, if i’m being completely honest. it’s the one story that i don’t think is too short or has bits that fall awkward or just didn’t age as well as i would like it to have, due to me growing as a writer, which isn’t a bad thing by any means, but it’s nice to have a part that stood the test of time honestly

i’m so used to feeling wrong was both one of the easiest and one of the hardest songs to title. i ended up going with rainbow, but another option had been in the middle. ultimately, i went with rainbow because i felt it was better for how both kitty and aragon feel- constantly criticized by everyone around them, and being crushed by a constant sense of being replaceable..as for actually writing it, once again it was both one of the easiest and one of the hardest to write. i don’t have as much experience writing aragon as i would like, but i’d brainstormed a bit about how i thought their dynamic would be like and what similarities and differences they have. the idea of aragon accidentally calling kitty mary comes from jess, and it led way into a bit of a character study bit that i’m still pretty proud of honestly

and last but definitely not least, these new walls are pretty hard to crack. the title inspiration for this one was arms unfolding, and in all honesty, this one was easily the hardest to title. almost every line in this song would be a great title, but ultimately i settled on the one i did, and i’m pretty happy about it honestly! it’s about how being reincarnated likely made the queens put up more walls instead of less, and it’s just,,,,,,, idk man i just love this title a lotas for the story, this was one that i have had planned since, i wanna say back when i first wrote the anne chapter. it wasn’t part of this story at first, but then i started building the story up more, and it just fit too well. i’d been wanting to tackled parr and kitty’s relationship for a while now, and while i still have some stuff in the works, i’m pretty proud of how this one turned out!! i’m looking forward to sharing the last part of this story with you all 💖💙💖💙

[charleneaestheticprime]

Entry1

Ok, part of me didn’t want to post this online because >insert number of reasons that would make me look bad< but fuck it. I don’t have any friends or fans on here and if for some reason someone actually cares enough to read this, well... *shrug* You’ll learn something about me but you’ll still won’t know who I am.

I’ve never been good at making friends growing up and the friends I did make, let’s just say they weren’t the best of friends. Idk maybe I’m too sensitive and take things way too seriously. Ah, but I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. You see, things were fine for the most part except for the fact that my friends normally would move far away by the end of the year and we were too young to have cell phones, let alone have any social media account (even if the sites did exist back then) so I normally had to say goodbye to them. And I was pretty upset that my parents never let me buy a school year book because in their mind, all the kids I went to school with were just going to go to the same school I was going (so there’s no point in wasting money for something silly like that) but I tried to make them understand that I didn’t care about the other kids, I cared about my friends that were moving away and the memories of their names and faces. Needless to say, my persuasion never worked. I still remember a few names and I have been looking for them online to catch up but I can never find them. Though there’s a part of me that feels like they’ve forgotten about me and even if they hadn’t, they wouldn’t want to hang out with me. 

The friends or rather the people, that stuck around were great until we start growing up and dealing with typical middle school and high school problems. Meeting new people, worrying about image, family problems, being in a terrible school filled with terrible people, either not having the money to do what we want or not having a car and or license to go where we want to go, drugs, alcohol, confusing feelings and not knowing who to trust or what the hell is going on all while being force to grow up and confusingly still being treated as a child. I get it. We all have our demons and we all go through some shit but that doesn’t mean you should take it out on anyone and everyone. I say this and yet even some damn adults don’t understand. Maybe they do and they just don’t care. I’m not saying I understand what they were feeling and what they went through because I don’t (and no one really told me anything till way later anyways). But I did try my best to be there for some of them. Well, that’s a lie because I had my moments where I didn’t want to be around anyone. I should’ve done more maybe. But would that have changed anything for the better? I don’t think it would. If anything, things would probably be worse. Who knows. 

When I was around the others, I remember them teasing me about my image. Sometimes my interest too. They were the type of people who would say that they were only joking after you tell them that what they said kind of hurt your feelings. They would tell you to lighten up, get over it and that it was only a joke. They never talked about my scars that’s for damn sure but it was more like I’m too skinny, I’m black but I act white, I don’t have a “real” ass and tits and only one of them kept mentioning my acne. I had it pretty bad back then because not only did I get chicken pox, acne from stress, average puberty acne but at the time I found out I was allergic to teriyaki sauce. So pretty bad. My fashion style probably didn’t help because I kept wearing heavy hoodies and baggy pants because it was cold in the school and no one in my family would take me shopping for clothes. Not that I even wanted to shop with anyone at the time. Most stores didn’t have my style in my size anyways and everything was so expensive. Did I even care about my image back then? I feel like to a certain extent I did. I mean, I’m not going anywhere without making myself look at least decent and presentable. To this day I still don’t know whether or not it was considered a blessing that I normally didn’t have the same school schedule as my “friends” or something else that made me sit by myself alone a lot throughout the years. If by chance I did run into them, things were ok. But there was always this lurking feeling that I was some kind of joke, ya know? It’s like I was never really friends with them, just something for them to gossip about. Or I was the next candidate to be their friend in case someone in the group was causing trouble or someone was sick. 

Maybe I didn’t and those thoughts are what made me isolate myself from everyone. I knew one of them since 3rd grade and she was the first friend I made that didn’t move away and the end of the year. I was her second friend that she made since moving to the USA and while I was excited to finally found a friend that wouldn’t leave any time soon, I was also glad that she made other friends and didn’t have trouble fitting in like me. Though I’ll admit that I was a little jealous and confuse that people accepted her so easily and thought I was so weird. I don’t even remember doing anything abnormal besides daydreaming in class and being a bit goofy during recess sometimes. Nonetheless I was happy to have her as a friend. Over the years, things changed. I feel like maybe she didn’t want to be my friend anymore but couldn’t just end our friendship over nothing. That and since our moms have gotten close because of us, her mom would ask her about me sometimes. So she would keep the friendship going either out of guilt, pity, or just to avoid all the conflict and drama. That’s how I feel sometimes. Whether it’s true or not, I don’t know. I don’t want it to be true but there’s always that paranoid thought lurking in the back of my head. Everyone else, well... I don’t talk to them anymore. I don’t talk to anyone much anymore.

I do try to start over with a new group of people either online or in college or at work but there’s always.... ALWAYS thoughts that make me hold back. Thoughts that make me not even try anymore. “They don’t care, what you’re saying is irrelevant, you’re talking too much, you’re talking too loud, you’ve got the dumbest smile in the world, speak up, quit rambling, quit stuttering, no one is listening so quit repeating yourself, let them talk instead, you’re boring, stop fidgeting, look at them in the eye, cut to the chase, stop being creepy, don’t stare, pick your words carefully, pronounce the words correctly, is your breath funky? do you have something in your teeth? Don’t you think you’re breathing too loudly? Stand up straight, stop biting your lip, are your nails clean and trimmed? Is your hair neat? What the hell are you wearing? Grow up! Stop trying so hard! Be more engaging, don’t be a Debby downer, focus, are you wasting their time? Don’t you have somewhere to be? Don’t you have anything important to do?” And all of these other thoughts are screaming and flooding my mind. I’m just trying to be a normal human but I don’t know what a normal human is! I try to get out of my head but when I’m met with blank stares... I feel like curling back in.

[facepalming-since-chernobyl]

(part 1) I noticed ur anti supercorp fandom posts and I'm in tears. You take the action of a few assholes and use it to represent our whole fandom. Every fandom has assholes and sadly people in other fandoms only see the assholes. You can hate a ship but hating on real people will NEVER be okay. I am a sc shipper and karolsen shipper a cser. I am anti slave owners replacing a black love interest and not respecting kara. That has nothing to do with ships and it never will.

I’m sorry but you are an idiot. First of all, if you go to the ao3 where I post it clearly says anti FANATIC side of the sc fandom. 

Secondly, it’s tagged correctly - as anti crack fic. I didn’t even tagged Lena there. Or used “Supercoorp” word. So my question is WHY DID YOU READ IT if you obviously knew it was going tp upset you? Sorry, I’m not sorry but I am NOT responsible of your happiness here if don’t even know how to protect yourself. Don’t like don’t read. How hard it is? Did you send anons to people from your fandom who tag their abusive, gross fics as karamel where they kill Mon, make fun of karamel and make it supercoorp fics? :)

Next. Few idiots? Don’t make me laugh. You need to block more than 300 blogs that are usually SC to scroll karamel tag without seeing hate. Do you want me to post all shit I gathered so far from your fandom that I found in our pro tags? I have hundreds of screen shots. Hating on real people? Go and say that to people from Sc fandom who attack Chris, Melissa and other cast members constantly on social media, on THEIR official accounts. Also, if you call my fic “hating on real people” then wow, you have seen nothing, kid.

First you say: “ I am anti slave owners replacing a black love interest “ and then you say: “That has nothing to do with ships“ :)))))

(part 2) I have NEVER harassed one of the actors. Most of us haven’t. The majority of us were disgusted by the people (who were apparently proven to be trolls but idk the whole story there) who harassed Rahul. The lack of queer representation in the media is no joke. When you turn on the tv you see representation it doesn’t matter the channel or time. It is so easy for you to find a couple that represents you. For me, I have to search so hard. I have yet to find a canon couple that i relate to

Cool for you. A funny story - I haven’t harrassed a soul too. And yeah, you didn’t harass but you also did nothing to stop the haters. The biggest anti accounts still are high and mighty, followed by enormous group of people, their posts have hundreds of notes. Proven to be trolls - lol. Do you tell yourself that before sleep? You have your queer representationm in the show, it was called Sanvers and AgentCanary. CANON. But you decided to ignore that for a CRACK ship. Suit yourself. 

(part 3) so I am stuck with relationships that I don’t really relate to but at least the genders are right. Supercorp is that ship I really relate to. I relate to Kara so much and Lena is exactly my type. It is that one time where I say hey that is like me. I know it won’t happen and that isn’t the problem. Karolsen is also a non-canon ship that people want why wasn’t karolsen made fun of? Before you say it is the fandom I urge you to remember that isn’t most of us.

…you can’t find a ship you can relate along a lot LGBT ships to, but you relate to a ship made by an ALIEN superhero and a super rich genius? It sounds like you need to have some super high standards to relate to a ship. It’s like, you are a blonde, so you can relate to Kara. It sounds like that. And oh boi, my asexual ass can relate so much to the characters in the tv shows - so many characters. TONS. Not that like every of them always just has to end with a romantic interest *sarcasm* Also, I don’t get why you even start to talk about it - ship whatever shit you want and relate to any shit you want - did I say you can’t or something?

And wow, you can’t relate to a lot of ships, just to that ONE, but you can relate to WHOLE SC fandom, made by different people and whatever. Yay.

Karolsen was canon, what show you watch for god’s sake? And Jesus, Karolsen was thrashed in s1 by people. Hello?

(part 4) It left me feeling bad and guilty about who I ship & that the people I look up to hate me. I have something called Borderline Personality Disorder & often think I am worthless & am terrified of abandonment. When the cast said that stuff at SDCC I felt abandoned by people who have never even met me. It made me feel so worthless & awful that these people who I love and support who don’t even know who I am hate me. But please, go on about how awful the sc fandom is and deserved it.

And sorry, but you totally MISSED the point of my fic. it is a satire. It points flaws and problems that run in your precious oh so no abusive and toxic fandom. There is not a SINGLE line that says you should feel ashamed of shipping it. All thing I put there were created by your fandom. YOUR fandom created these things. YOUR fandom started putting abusive not karamel fics in karamel tags. I wrote that fic because of abusive assholes from your fandom. 

I’m sorry you have to deal with your problems and health issues but I ask you again - WHY you read stuff that is CLEARLY not for you and WHY you don’t protect yourself? You want me to make me feel guilty or something? Sorry, but I don’t feel this way, abusive assholes FROM SC FANDOM who told me I should kill myself or sent me gross shit right after my mother died and I was super depressed made my skin thick. But ok, I only have anxiety now, so my problems are not as valid as yours, I guess? Becasue I ship a former slave owner with your precious Kara, huh? Hot damn, life is brutal. Also, I guess people who ship only becasue it makes them happy and they don’t have problems in life are not important and their opinions are not valid. Only people who deal with shit can talk and ship. And their ships are valid. LOL

I think you didn’t realize, but the cast members don’t hate anyone. It’s horrible you felt that way, but they don’t hate you. But you, who deal with your mental problems should understand that they were harassed by fanatic shippers for months and have had enough. And they sang a song about two women being friends. Did they say sc sucks? No. Did they say you should not ship them? No. Did they say you suck? No. Think about it. If you feel hurt by my fic, then think about the cast members that had to read gross shit that was post about them and if you really loved them, think about how they felt.

And seriously - I kind of get what you wanted to say, I kind of know what you feel but I don’t give a CRAP. Why? Because the amount of shit I see from your fandom makes me want to throw up, makes my anxiety worse, wants me to put bleach into my eyes. I understand that you want to be a part of cute, amazing fandom that is nice and cool and wahtever, but it isn’t. Your fandom is a home for some of the worst abusive people I have met on tumblr. And no, not FEW. I guess, I should just ignore the haters, cheer for SC fandom and shut up, huh? Sorry, maybe in a different life.

But seriously, protect yourself, no one is going to do it for you. You mental health  is more important than reading a dumb crack fic and sending long ass message to a person you don’t even know.

[werenzki]

Leon Draisaitl #2.4

PART ONE / PART TWO / PART THREE

This is probably the last part of this story, hope you liked this 4-piece of cutesy Leon. Feel free to leave requests guys!! And this marks as my longest imagine to date, sorry? Idk honestly I’m not it’s cute so :))))

Word Count: 2,923

Biggest game of Leon’s career - thus far - and what was he doing beforehand? Trying very hard to braid a chunk of your hair, and failing horribly. The two of you were laying on your couch as the afternoon passed by and the first playoff game for Leon got closer. Well, you were laying down, he was sitting and had your head on his thigh. 

“You can’t figure it out, can you?” You chuckled and looked up as he twisted two pieces together and then crossed the third over. Honestly you were just surprised he knew to split it into three parts. 

“I can do it,” he said. You laughed again as his tongue poked out between his teeth and he twirled around piece into the middle one. 

“What in the hell-”

“Shh,” Leon hushed you. You rolled your lips into your mouth, more trying to refrain from laughing again than shutting up. This was by far the cutest thing you’ve seen Leon do - to date at least. 

It was too cute to not unlock your phone, opening your snapchat and lifting up the selfie camera to snap a picture. Leon looked up just after it was taken, suddenly in a quick movement he had all pieces of hair in one hand and the other was trying to whack your phone out of your hand. You were quicker though and got it out of his reach. 

“Hey,” you laughed and batted away his hand. 

“Let me see at least,” he said while dropping your hair back down - clearly giving up on his so-called braiding. 

“I’m saving it first,” you said and then sat up. “It’s cute,” you smiled and turned the screen to him, leaning into his side while he stared at the phone screen. 

“Okay,” he nodded. 

“Is that you approving that I can post it to my story?” 

“Sure,” Leon shrugged and pulled out his phone. Glancing at it briefly you saw he had several notifications, mostly text messages. You didn’t like to pry, but after slapping a caption onto the photo of Leon and adding it to your snapchat story, you caught him replying to some texts. 

Some weren’t anything to be bothered over, but some were very obviously from old flings or hook ups. They had added several emojis and called him sexy while they were at it too. You felt your body stiffen up beside Leon, then you turned away from him and leaned into the side of the couch instead. Your mind began to race. And it was bad. 

Was he still texting other girls? You thought that was over for him, that his past was in the past. You thought that he knew how big this was for you - giving him a chance that is - but as he sat beside you texting other girls you began to worry. Was that part of Leon’s life not left behind? You understood that you had only met nearly a month ago but you thought things were going well.

“Hey,” Leon’s voice cut off your thoughts. 

You looked at him and raised your eyebrows, realizing now that you were chewing down on the sleeve of your sweater. Leon gave you a concerned look. Then he scooted across the couch and grabbed ahold of your hand. He tilted his head and looked into your eyes. 

“Everything alright?” He asked. 

You sighed and looked across the room where there was some sports highlights on the TV and left over snacks on the coffee table. Things were good, really good in your opinion. And after giving Leon a shot, it lead to 2 more dates and even inviting him over to your place. Those girls must either just be friends or old numbers who hadn’t got the memo yet that he was seeing you. 

Giving Leon the benefit of the doubt, you smiled at him and nodded. 

“Good,” Leon said and then leaned in to peck your lips. When he pulled back he let out a deep breath and a sudden feel of nervousness fell over him. 

“What’s up?” You questioned, turning slightly so your knees knocked into his leg. He let go of your hand and placed it over your knee, staring down at the contact for a moment. “Is it the game?” You asked, sort of unsure if it was wrong to talk hockey on a game day.

“No,” he shook his head but then tilted his head a bit, “well, yeah,” 

The whole dating a hockey player thing was new to you. You weren’t sure if you were supposed to not speak of it or pump him up like the hockey god he was proving himself to be. Leon moved his hand, shaking your knee gently while licking his lips. 

“Will you,” Leon trailed off while looking anywhere but your eyes, “will you wear my jersey? Maybe, if you wanted to,” 

You shook your head and placed your hand on his cheek, lifting his face so you were looking into his eyes, “if you thought I wasn’t already planning to buy your jersey the moment I got into Rogers Place then you’re crazy, Leon,” 

“Gunna trade Connor’s for mine?” He asked with a small smile. 

“Yeah, you’re kinda my new favourite player,” you shrugged and mirrored his smile. 

“Glad to hear,” 

“You’re doing to do great tonight, babe,” you said. Leon’s eyes sort of lit up at your words, the smile not fading by any means. 

“I like when you call me babe,” he admitted timidly. The shy side Leon was showing now was making your stomach do flips. Sure, he was a shy guy usually, but not in the cute nervous sense. And that’s just what it was, so freaking cute.

“Me too,” you smiled. Leon brought you closer to him, you instantly cuddled into his side and relished in the last hour you had to spend with him before he had to leave to get ready and go to the arena. 

And that time couldn’t have gone by any faster. Soon enough you were entering Rogers Place with your dad in the VIP entrance and texting Francesca of where to meet her. She said to stay right in the VIP entrance and she’d be there soon, so you said goodbye for now to your dad and stood awkwardly beside the elevators waiting for her. When she showed up, you guys hugged and her excitement rolled off onto you too. 

“Should I introduction you to them all at once?” She asked while leading the way though the halls you’d never even know existed till now. 

“Sure,” you nodded. 

You were feeling more nervous than you should to meet all these woman. But at the same time, it felt normal to be so nervous. It was like you were the new kid in school and walking into you first day of classes, and there was always going to be mean girls. You just really hoped there wasn’t. 

“Girls,” Francesca said while entering the room. 

Inside were more than just the obvious Oilers ladies. There was kids running around and some parents conversing in one corner and even some grandparents too. As well as some old Oilers players, from the 80′s and the early 2000′s too. Your dad was going to die knowing you were in the same room as Ryan Smyth and Kevin Lowe. Your bragging rights were getting up there, that was till your eyes fell on the Great One himself. The Gretzky family were on one side of the large room, smiles on everyones faces. 

You turned your attention back to the group of ladies standing before you. Some were seated on the weird cushioned stools, others stood and a few were on the floor playing with a cute toddler dressed in an Oilers jersey. “This is Y/N,” Francesca said to the group with a smile. 

“Hi,” you smiled and waved to them all. 

Quick introduces were all said and done, you hoped you remembered the majority of them after tonight. Then after some casual conversation you were exchanging some numbers and Instagram names too. You felt in place, and nothing like an outside along the ladies. 

“I don’t usually use Instagram honestly,” you said to Lauren while typing in your username. She was dating Eberle, if you remembered correctly. 

“Me neither,” Bre, Nuge’s girlfriend, said. 

“I’m a snapchatter though, not going to lie,” you chuckled. 

“Oh my god,” Francesca grabbed your forearm and got your attention - as well as the girls around you, “that picture of Leon on your story earlier was so freaking cute,” 

“What?” Lauren questioned, clearly very interested as Francesca brought up her app and scrolled to your name. She skipped the photo of the cheese, cracker and meats platter you had made earlier in the day, then got the the picture of Leon you took. “Oh my goodness, that’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen of Leon like ever,” 

“He was playing with your hair?” Another woman, whom you have forgot was already, questioned while looking at the phone. 

“Yeah,” you smiled. 

“I just have a hard time picturing Leon doing cute couple things,” Bre admitted and passed back Francesca’s phone. The girls were already all adding your snapchat while they were at it too. 

The word couple made you stop for a moment and question it. You weren’t official or anything, but it made sense that they’d say you were a couple. That was simply just a topic that has yet to come up. You would imagine that the boyfriend-girlfriend conversation would just pop up casually sooner or later. 

“He’s pretty cute,” you smiled and finally got your phone back from all the adding or social media. “Hey, do you mind if we go up a little earlier, I need to stop at the store inside,” you asked Francesca.

“Yeah, for sure,” she nodded. 

“Oh, what ya buying?” Lauren asked. 

“Uh, just a jersey,” 

“No way, like Leon’s right?” 

“Yeah,” you chuckled. Then you were back to smiling like a fool. 

“Can we all agree that you are like the cutest thing ever?” Lauren said and looked around at the girls. “Like Leon has never brought a girl around and then you show up and it’s just the cutest thing,” 

“Connor has said that he’s smiling a lot more lately,” another young girl, whom you were guessing was Connor’s girlfriend since she was wearing a shirt with 97 on it, said with a smile. You were upset you couldn’t remember her name now because of how warm and genuine her smile was. But then you got a sudden flashback from the first night you met Leon, and how she wasn’t the girl Connor was kissing. 

“It’s pretty freaking cute,” Bre agreed. 

“Well,” you shrugged, “thanks?” The girls and you all chuckled and then fell back into conversation. 

Once it got closer to game time you and Francesca said your goodbyes, promising to make some plans together soon with everyone else, and then you were in an elevator and on the main concourse. On the many TV screens you could see that the warm ups were underway. And since you’ve been to plenty of home games before, you knew Leon was always the last on the ice before walking down the hallway and back into the dressing room. 

“What size?” Francesca asked. 

“Medium, mens too,” you answered, “I like the fit better,” 

She nodded and then pulled an orange one from the rack and passed it off to you. When you were up at the till she asked for some players discount, showing the pass she had around her neck and then the price went down a little. You paid, thanked the workers and then lead the way to the suite. 

“Hey sweetie,” your dad welcomed you with a hug and warm smile. 

“Dad, this is Francesca,” you said. They shook hands and then you set the bag down on the table beside him and pulled out the jersey you had just bought. 

“Replacing McDavid, hey?” He questioned. 

“Unfortunately, yes,” you nodded and Francesca smiled as you pulled the jersey over your head. 

“Going to get it signed too?” He asked in a teasing tone. You narrowed yours eyes at him and he just laughed. Your parents were aware you had gone on a few dates with Leon now, you were just glad they weren’t taking it too out of hand since your dad was such a big fan. 

Just as you and Francesca took your seats in the front of the suite, you saw Leon shot a puck across the ice into the opposite net and as it went in the crowd cheered. Leon skated off the ice and then disappeared, within minutes the arena got darker and then it got louder as the first playoff game in 11 years began.

Overtime was by far the most stressful thing. It had stressed you out before, even watching playoffs last season at home, but now you were seeing one of the players on the ice. That didn’t help a damn thing. You were chewing down on the sleeve of your jersey as the red light above Cam Talbot went off and the Sharks celebrated. The arena went silent, then the crowd started to clear out, everyones head hung low in defeat. 

You pouted and then looked over at Francesca. She shrugged and stated how well they had really done tonight, being the first game in the series and all. You knew she was right, but it still sucked. You couldn’t imagine how Leon was feeling right now. 

“What do I even say?” You asked, “to him, I mean,” 

“You go up to him, give him a big kiss and tell him that he did great in your eyes. Then you don’t talk about the game unless he brings it up, you kiss again and then you go to sleep and forget about the loss,” she explained. She was pretty much an expert on this by now. 

Keeping what Francesca said in mind, you followed her down to where she and the rest of the families or friends met up with the team. You had your arms crossed and one hand at your mouth as you crewed gently on your nails. There was this new feeling inside of you. Like as if you were feeling for him. Sure as a fan you’re upset over the loss but as Leon’s girlfriend - or whatever - you felt more upset for him. You stood beside Francesca and Kassian’s wife too, all patiently waiting for your boys to walk out of the room. 

Kassian came first, head low but a weak smile given to his wife. She kissed him and then they walked off together. The doors opened again and Connor walked out, giving everyone a small smile that he saw before walking off with his girlfriend and his parents too. 

You felt your stomach tighten with nerves as Leon came out next. Francesca squeezed your arm and then you took the final step before wrapping your arms around his large frame. He hugged you back briefly, then you put a hand on his cheek and smiled the best you could. His eyes looked tired, but sad too. 

“You did really good tonight,” you said just above a whisper. His lips twitched upwards a little before you leaned up and gave him a sweet kiss. 

Once you broke apart, he took your hand and then lead the way towards the elevator where you’d go down to the parking lot together but leave in separate cars. You were a little disappointed that you hadn’t driven together now. You just wanted to stay by his side and hug him all night long. 

“I like the jersey,” Leon said, the first thing he had said to you since you had met up. 

“Yeah?” You questioned, smiling at him while bumping into his side. “You think orange is my colour?”

“It looks really good,” he nodded, “29 looks better than 97, that’s for sure,” 

You chuckled and he finally broke and smiled as you walked into the parking lot. Realizing you had to go your different ways for the night now, you started to pout but quickly wrapped your arms around him around. You’d probably end up seeing him tomorrow, if not the next day for sure before his game, but you just didn’t want to leave him tonight. 

“I’ll text you when I get home,” you said and he nodded in response. 

You reached up again and kissed him. It took him only a split second but then he was kissing you back, and with so much passion it made your head spin. When you pulled apart you took one step back, knowing very well if you were to stay so close you’d end up leaving your car here and that wouldn’t be cool. 

“You’ll get them next time, I know it,” you said with a smile while backing up. 

“As long as you’re here to cheer me on,” he smiled. 

“Of course,” you said, a grin breaking out now. 

“Drive safe,” 

“Yes, sir,” you saluted him and then turned on your heels and walked to your car. You didn’t hear Leon walk towards the gates for a moment, knowing he was watching you leave made your stomach do flips again. This damn boy was going to be the end of you, or just the end of you dating other people. Maybe, if you’re lucky.

[alexinafterglow]

1-100 for my baby i love you

Awww I love you too baby thank you for asking!!!1: Is there a boy/girl in your life? There’s a perfect boy in my life named Key 💖
2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? I have forgiven them for it bc it was a long ass time ago. 
3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. I couldn’t find a book near me fast enough so I typed 17 on “my” chrome book. 
4: What’s something you really want right now?
 Key and Mexican food tbh. 5: Are you afraid of falling in love? I would say yes but I’ve already fallen head over heels for my baby!
6: How can I win your heart? You already have!
7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? Yes plenty of times with you!
8: What’s the background on your cell?
 So after questioning for like 5 minutes what cell was until u told me it was short for cell phone it’s a set of flowers and you bc I’m gay. 9: Name the last four beds you sat on? Key Key Key and mine. 
10: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? Na not at all because it was my mom lmao. 
11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned? They are going a billion times better than I ever could have dreamt of!
12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? Probably Quinn’s idk I don’t have a lot of friends riiip. 
13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? NEITHER I HATE DOGS FIGHT ME
14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? Emotional because it’ll never leave you. 
15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? How bout yes please. 
16: Are you tired? I’m always tired I barely sleep send help. 
17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact? I’ve had them since 2009 when I had my first phone. 
18: If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? 2008 so I wouldn’t be so fucked tbh. 
19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? Lmao I’ve only dated Key ripppp. 
20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? I talk to my first love and first kiss every day
21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? I know I have the right person and yes I am gonna marry Key!
22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? It’s Key so hell yes a billion times over!
23: When was the last time you were disappointed? About a month ago. 
24: Is there a certain quote you live by?
 “This is the anthem throw all your hands up. Y'all don’t have to feel me sing if you’re with me”25: What’s on your mind? Tbh key and I wish my internet would work so I didn’t have to use data. 
26: Do you have any tattoos? I wish but not yet. 
27: What is your favorite color? My favorite color is red it’s lit. 
28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? Tomorrow when I see my baby Key!29: Who are you texting? Lmao the one and only Keeey. 
30: Are you superstitious about anything? I believe in a lot of superstition but not any about black cats they’re the good pusses. 
31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? Oh yea plenty of times. 
32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? I have plenty just because girls are better than guys to talk to tbh. 
33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you? I know my beautiful future Key does. 
34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? You have my beautiful emerald!
35: What was the reason for your last breakup? I haven’t had a breakup and won’t soooo. 
36: Were you single on Valentines Day? Lmao na I had the most amazing Valentine’s Day ever!
37: Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike. I like that I breathe I hate that I’m very clumsy. 
38: What do your friends call you? Dill Bill!
39: Has anyone upset you in the last week? My family every day. 
40: Have you ever cried over a text? I cried when Key said yes when I asked him out!
41: Where’s your last bruise located? On my elbow. 
42: What is it from? I hit it on a wall. 
43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? Probably about a month ago honestly I wanted to be away from the world. 
44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with? I’m always on the phone with Key!
45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? I love all of my converses!
46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? Na I don’t look good with hats on. 
47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style? Oh no I don’t look well bald. 
48: Do you make supper for your family?
 Every now and then I make dinner for them. 49: What’s the toughest decision you made this year? Probably to convince myself to be me. 
50: Top 3 web-pages? Probably any social media site tbh. 
51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping? No and I’ll fight them. 
52: Does anything on your body hurt?
 My knees because I have no protection to them when I walk. 53: Are goodbyes hard for you? I never say goodbye unless the other person says it first. 
54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? Coffee like a month ago. 
55: How is your hair? It’s medium length and very faded denim blue in it. 
56: What do you usually do first in the morning? I tell Key good morning and then use the bathroom. 
57: Do you think two people can last forever? Key and I are going to so yea of course. 
58: Think back to January 2007, were you single? Lmao I have been until like almost year ago. 
59: Green or purple grapes? Purple are the best. 
60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? As soon as I see Key!
61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? Right next to Key
62: What did your father teach you? How to treat women correctly. 
63: Where will you be 5 hours from now? Probably asleep or waking up randomly. 64: What were you doing at 8 this morning. Trying to go back to sleep while waiting for Key to wake up. 65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked? The same person I liked for like 3 years and I love now and am gonna marry!
66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? Key!!!
67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today? I wish I did to Key but no unfortunately. 
68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I hope Key sleeps amazingly tonight!
69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Oh yea but I’m pretty sure everyone has. 
70: How many windows are open on your computer? Only one and that’s this site called rabb.it key and I use!71: If you won 100 million dollars, what would you buy first? Anything and everything Key wanted and spend like maybe $100 on a new recording Device so I could lmao. 
72: What is your ringtone? Why don’t you get a job- the offsprings 
73: How old will you be in 5 months? I’ll be 19!
74: Where is your Mum right now? Asleep like I should be lmao. 
75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? I am tho???
76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? I hold Keys hand everyday that we see each other, which is like every other day, so yea I have. 
77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? Lmao nope they all dropped me it I dropped them with the exception of Key. 
78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? I didn’t really start crushing on people until like the end of grade 8. 
79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? Lmao my dad goes by mike. 
80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? Every other day I do in Keys!
81: How many people have you liked in the past three months? Um let’s see here: key, KeY,Keeeeeey, and lastly keywi!
82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? Lmao I sleep pants less so yea. 
83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? I get to talk to him every night!
84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? Well first of all I’m not drunk ever so this question is already invalid. 
85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? Well once again we’re straight edge so invalid question. 
86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? Well I went with Key and I got to snuggle up next to him so there’s that. 
87: Who was your last received call from? KEEEEY
88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? Um no satin I wouldn’t. 
89: What is something you wish you had more of? Key and money to spend on key. 
90: Have you ever trusted someone too much? I used to trust everyone too much until I got bullied as a child lmao. 
91: Do you sleep with your window open?
 Um no I’m not dumb and don’t appreciate losing my goods. 92: Do you get along with girls? Lmao almost all of my current friends RN are girls so yea. Males are usually douches. 
93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
 No I tell the truth as soon as I know it. 94: Does sex mean love? To me if I have sex with someone aka Key, then it means love, but in a hypothetical world that I don’t wanna live in where Key doesn’t exist and I just have sex with random people not necessarily. 
95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? I’m sorry did you mean the only person I want to spend forever with, Key???
96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? Oh no I’ve only kissed one person. 
97: Did you sleep alone this week? Na I slept with my baby Key every night!
98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? I definitely do his name is john cena jk it’s key. 
99: Do you believe in love at first sight? I believe you can want to be friends with someone as soon as you see them but you can’t love them until you know them. 
100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise? Every night I pinky promise Key something.

[softnorwegians]

Another bunch of asks that I didn’t want to leave unanswered! Note: tread lightly if you love the remakes or William or P Chris, opinions in asks not necessarily my own.

man, I can already see the fourth of july instead of may seventeenth plot...oh god! Skam Austin gets worse everytime I think about it too hard!

I think it’ll be prom or homecoming or something that’s a thing?

I had my problems with skamit but kept watching until ep 4. When italian vilde was going upstairs to hook up with you know who she actually stopped and asked italian chris if she was doing the right thing bc she was not sure and she was like wtf are you kidding me, just go with him. I just, idk, no best friend would tell you to follow some guy just like that. It might sounds stupid but that scene really made me feel so damn bad. I am afraid this remake might be a bit too much for me.

Mmm, yeah, I didn’t keep up with that one past the first ep so I don’t know. I’m glad the Italians seem to enjoy it but I could understand why they’re like “oh god, how to we explain this to non-Italians” at least once an episode. 

I think the positive thing about it being on Facebook watch is that it is the only free streaming platform it could have been on, meaning it has the potential to reach more people. I mean okay you need a fb account but that’s better than paying for Netflix or Hulu every month. Plus as of now it isn’t geoblocked. And Facebook owns Instagram so the social media can be filtered better than it would have on any other network. I just see how in terms of what US networks have to offer why FB was best

Yeah, I think it’s a fitting choice? I’m not sure how much being on a certain platform gives you a greater reach, I think some people were thinking more people might stumble onto it elsewhere.

I’m from jersey too! Man north and south jersey are like two different states. Imagine Skam Jersey City or something - never on time to anything because NJ transit sucks, the multiple malls within in a 20 minute radius is the hangout on weekdays and you go into the city or Hoboken on weekends for no reason with no money to spend. Your neighbors pretty much make your block more diverse than the UN. Real non chain pizza and Chinese take out are eaten religiously.

Jersey has a little bit of everything?? Because I was from a small-town, little suburb that was all tree-lined and beautiful. But that town was also surrounded by highways and stripmalls if you went ten-fifteen minutes in several directions?

i used to be meh about the remakes but the longer they go on the more i hate them. the european ones feel like a bunch of bad cosplayers decided to remake skam. I HATE THEM

I have this thing where it’s kind of fun to compare them at first but then the novelty wears off and I’m more “why... no...”. I generally hate remakes though so I’ve actually felt like I’ve grown as a person to be this accepting!

Lol Isak and Even were barely in s4 and when they were the storyline was either dropped halfway trough or Isak was used to further Sana's story, develop their best friends story they build in s3 or to use Isak as preacher to justify muddy waters. Just like Sana and Noora's ONLY SOLO scene did, to "call out Noora's hypocricity" but it was more to excuse and get a wise, popular character to make William look better (lol). Yet Vilde and Chris were close and had build up with Sana, not Noora...

My two least favorite scenes in Skam...

If the Uk is the biggest it's not what Scandinavia is getting. 90% is American based, it's always been like that and that's why we have so much American integrated in out cultures and also why we are also very good at English because while we study it early on we are constantly surrounded by English and American film and television.

Maybe part of that stat is the UK/USA co-productions? Like a British production company doing Skam Austin like this. 

US Willhelm looks like the most genetic white football player douschebag and he looks exactly like that scumbag from 13 reasons why. I wonder why the remakes never changes the ethnicity for Willhelm when he's supposed to be the dream goal?

Yeahhhhhhhh, it does say something that they’ve changed P Chris to a minority twice while the most popular guy is always remarkably the same.

I mean I get that Julie is doing skam Austin so it’s being critiqued more BUT there are so many other remakes going on to watch instead. So many countries have the opportunity to make skam and I’m sorry but so far they all either did an exact copy and/or are not keeping up with the point of daily updates in real time.People hate on Julie but the other creators so far have done little to adapt it correctly. Clearly from Skam Austin we see that the characters do not have to be exact copies 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well, I don’t think people were very accepting of the other remakes either? People have been pretty harsh on all of them. It’s just a different kind of harsh with Skam Austin because it’s tied up with people’s existing feelings about Julie Andem and s4 and the end of Skam and etc.

"The argument is racist" omg stop throwing that word around it actually has an important meaning and using it for something inappropriate is just defeating its purpose. Also idk if it's just because that anon is American, but not every argument needs to have an underlying note of racism in it and it's frustrating when people just use the "you're racist" card just to look better in a discussion, it just destroyes the job we put into fighting against racism when it actually matters.

Yeah, that happens a lot. There’s a thoughtful way to consider race in what we’re talking about but that’s not it.

I think skam austin is going to be another repeat of the same plot , like I think if they wanted to do something new, they would change the name at least but calling it skam austin immediately connects it to og skam and I think the other remakes have shown us just have different they can go with the plots...

I don’t know, I’ve really gone back-and-forth about how close it’s going to be? I think we have to wait and get some footage at least.

imagine how it was when she broke the news to the actors? the deal was done during s3, they must have at least thought of her going to the states, then finding out s4 is the last season.

I wonder if they did find out in stages or all at once. Was Skam ever possibly going to continue? Without Julie, maybe? I’d kind of assume she told them both at once.

I remember reading a while ago when a p Chris fan was going ***** over Jonas and that Eva didn't give Chris a chance because he's so much more than a fuckboy. They said they had seen vines of pchris and Eva and I though of course it would be vines rofl so imagine a bunch of people falling for this hot badboy over vines expecting this great badass character and then he's barely in the show? I think it's 90% Herman projection onto Chris and Eva. They love him because he's apparently hot.

Yeah, with P Chris I’m like “he’s barely there????”. At least William is a character!

it's weird that all the remakes chose to start in the middle of the school year. even weirder that skam france has chosen to put out 2 seasons in the space of about 4 months... I feel like they're doing that to dominate the skam remakes, you know to be the most predominant remake. Seems fishy to me. I don't trust them. Don't even get me started on these fake leaks of the episode for publicity!!!!! We're not falling for it! Who else could it be except THEIR OWN TEAM!!! yeesh lol sorry ANYWAY

Didn’t episodes leak twice or something? I don’t know, I’m not following it very closely. I did find the whole “just wait, things will change more after episode three!” thing annoying though.

"Is it true that skam Italian uses a white actress to play a muslim character? If so it is so wrong!!" Anon,let me just remind you that what is wrong about it is the fact that she's a non muslim girl but she wears a hijaab and plays a muslim (if we get s4..I can't imagine all the scenes with "Sana" praying, knowing she's not muslim). Please, remember that there are white muslim people and it'd be more okay for a white girl to play this character IF the actress was muslim herself I guess.

Yeah, I think you have to be careful not to conflate that, but also it is a shame that they’d change a POC character into a white character? Just because someone can be white and a Muslim doesn’t mean that’s actually a good representation of the Muslim minority there? 

[purplesurveys]

969

What is your least favourite thing about your full name? I don’t know if it’s right to say I have a least favorite thing about it. At this point in my life I’ve gotten over complaining about anything about my name and I’ve ended up liking it, actually.

How good is your grammar? My fluency in both English and Filipino is pretty much perfect. Kinda called for when it comes to communications graduates, haha. But yeah I grew up speaking Filipino and then learned English through media, school, and my English-speaking friends, so my exposure has always been balanced.

Do you like the age you are? Idk I feel like age loses its significance when you’re like 20. < Yeah, same. The last age I got excited about was 20, but turning 22 this year felt a little boring and not just because I had to celebrate at home. I’m imagining it would be the same for 23, 24, 26, 27, etc and that I’ll only look forward to milestone years now, like those that end in 5 or 0.

Music. It’s amazing. Do you agree? It’s great, but I’m not as attached to music as most people are. It’s hard for me to get into new acts and I mostly stick to the artists and albums I’ve listened for years. Music can also sometimes be too emotional for me, so most of the time I prefer flocking to content that will entertain me when I’m sad, like sitcoms or YouTube videos.

What’s your favourite kind of poptart? I’ve mentioned this before but only like, five flavors ever get shipped to the Philippines. My favorite is chocolate fudge, but I’m sure I would have other favorites if we were able to have their whole flavor roster.

Do you like sunglasses? I don’t really care for them. They look nice and there are certainly a lot of cute and classy sunglasses designs out there, but ultimately I don’t like how it impairs my vision. No matter how bright it is where I am, I tend to not feel comfortable when everything I see has a black or brown tint to them. 

Do you think dreams can give us insight to things? I don’t know if it can give insights, but I believe that your general emotions and life experiences can have a hand in what dreams you end up having. In my case, whenever something is currently heavily troubling me I always, always end up dreaming about them.

Have any cheesy kids songs memorized? Depends on what you mean by cheesy kid’s songs. I don’t actually know what that refers to.

Besides your computer, what else is cluttering your desk? A Tupperware with peanut brittle, another Tupperware with a half-eaten brookie, two notebooks, my copy of Midnight Sun, my phone charger, a nearly-empty glass of water, and my night light.

Why is your worst enemy your worst? I don’t have an enemy...haven’t had one since, like, grade school.

What does your dad do? He’s an executive sous chef at a luxury liner. But his company and the nature of his work is obviously one of the most affected by Covid, so he hasn’t been in his workplace since February and it’s impossible to tell when he’ll be needed again.

How late do you usually stay up? During weekdays, I’m in bed by 9 or 10 PM. Work is exhausting most days. But on the weekends, I’m able to stay up til midnight or even a few hours beyond that.

The political spectrum. Where do you fall? The more radical side of the left.

Do those commercials from the ASPCA make you cry? They’re a US-based org so no I haven’t, but their ads probably do have the ability to make me cry.

When was the last time you visited a nail salon? I remember going inside a nail salon with Gabie in like 2017? 2018? because she had been trying to get me interested in pampering sessions for myself haha. I never saw the appeal though and if I remember correctly that was the only time I ever found myself inside of a nail salon.

What was the last thing you used sliced bread to make? My breakfast yesterday. I just used the bread to wrap a hotdog. 

If you had to eat one type (Chinese, etc.) of food which would it be? I would have absolutely no problem eating Indian food for the rest of my life. Their spices, the curries, breads, chutney, samosas, paneer? *chef’s kiss*

Enough about food. Have you used Wikipedia for a school report? I used Wikipedia all the time but use the sources on the bottom of the page. It was so easy to go around the whole “don’t use Wikipedia for research” when the sources cited in Wikipedia articles are always subject to strict review by the site’s moderators to ensure their credibility lol.

What is your favourite glass to drink from? I love my mom’s Starbucks mug. I use it all the time when she isn’t home.

When did your family immigrate to wherever you live now? We’ve never migrated, even though my mom had always wanted us to. If we pushed through with it, we most likely would have landed in either the US or Canada.

What does your room look like when you sleep? Completely dark. I also like keeping my windows open and my blinds partially open, because the cold air at night feels nice.

What tabs are open on your computer? The window I’m currently on is pretty loaded actually. There are six Tumblr tabs, 12 Bzoink tabs, two tabs on Google search, and one Wikipedia tab.

Are your fingers long, or short? They’re rather long. 

Reality TV: Love it, or hate it? OMG hahah I like most of them, but I can’t stand dating shows. As a demi, I just could never relate to the idea of casual dating and dating shows have always been super boring to me. I can binge most of the other reality TV shows though, especially cooking ones and KUWTK.

What time is it in the country you get the most of your heritage from? Welp, that’s a creative way to put it. 6:47 PM.

Do you use a top sheet? My current bedsheet doesn’t come with one but I do have other bedsheets with top sheets that I routinely change to.

How often do you engage in illegal behaviour? It comes up every now and then but it’s nothing more than illegally downloading books and movies lol.

Who is your favourite comedian? I’m not big on comedians but I came across Sindhu Vee’s stand-up comedy on Facebook a month ago and she’s sooooooo fucking hilarious. Jokes about extreme Asian parenting will never get old for me. I definitely wish more of her acts were available online.

Do people say you have an accent? Sometimes I’ll get compliments for being able to speak in English well, but idk about accents.

Could you tell me what the capital of Bosnia is without looking it up? Nope. I wouldn’t even be able to point at its general region on a map. Soz.

AOL: Do you use it? No.

Do you find Family Guy’s cutaway scenes funny, or annoying? I generally find cutaway scenes funny. I’m sure I would find Family Guy’s funny as well, considering I’ve enjoyed their humor styles in the past.

What colours are on your current shirt? Brown.

How many children do you want/have? Two.

Would you rather live in this decade, the 1960’s, or the 1910’s? 1910s. The very limited women’s rights and social issues of the time would be sucky to witness, but I’m still interested to see how different life was back then whether in terms of technology, how different my city used to look, or whatever.

Pepsi vs. Coke? Neither.

Do you think you look good with a hat on? Sure, I like hats :)

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

I get that I’m bothering him. I get that he’s mad that I brought other people involved. It’s because I had so many unanswered questions that he obviously didn't want to answer. He just never gave me the right chance. He gave me a chance; yes. right after the relationship when I was no where near ready for friendship. I was so deeply in love with him I didn’t know how to stop. Its like a train with no breaks making its way down a hill and wants to continue to roll after crashing and burning. 

I wish that once day, he recognizes what he did was childish and immature. I wish he could have communicated to me what he wanted. I was the complete opposite of him. I wanted him to know everything I was doing and why I was doing it so he could understand me. I tried to be as transparent as possible. I told him that I wish I hated him so it would be easier to stop loving him. He made it so hard. Seeing him everywhere on social media, on snap chat, on other people’s snap chat. I was jealous I wasn’t with them; when they were all hanging out together I wish  was there. So yes, I did unfriend him, I did delete him off of snap. I did it because it didn’t help me get over loving him. I don’t think he understands that. I think he thinks I did it to get back at him for hurting me. He says its irrational! 

And yes, he let me use his car to go home to SJ, and I did write him a PDF file about the things I would miss about him. and I did write him a letter back and front to him. I did it because I felt like he needed to know that he was loved. The worst feeling is to feel empty, to feel worthless and not thought about. I never want him to feel that way. So i made sure that he knew that he was loved and cared and thought about and that doing this wasn’t easy for me to stop loving him. I guess I did it because that’s how I would have wanted it. I would have wanted someone to tell me that they cared about me, that leaving me was hard to do, that I was important. 

I am just baffled by the extreme measures that he took. To block me on FB, to ignore my texts, to not answer calls, to block my number. Isn’t that extensive when you could have avoided it all by telling me you needed more space. My telling me that you needed more time. by telling me “ I will contact YOU when I am ready to do so.” 

It’s never a clean break. It never is. I just hoped that it would be. I guess we both needed time off from each other. And I think that now is that time. 

I want another chance to be his friend. I do. 

I want to do it correctly. Maybe later, when we have had some time to really reflect on this. Maybe when we’ve cleared all the emotions for one another. But definitely not anytime soon. Friendship after a break up is always hard. Just air it out like a fart you know XP HAHAHA! I just need to be patient, work on me. I was thinking when I get the shoes I got for him, because only HE would ever wear these shoes I got and he's the only I know with friggin 12 sized men shoes. When I get these shoes, when I have finally moved out of here. I will go to his place and I will wait patiently to run into him. Ill probably ask him to come sit down somewhere and try on the shoes. I hope he loves the shoes. I want it to be a peace offering that we could start fresh. Start off as friends this time. And then I will say, oh hey by the way, there are these 2 tables an ex left at my house and I don’t know where he went so did you want them? And it will be funny, and thats how our new friendship will start. 

I still need to talk to him about canceling my wifi bc its under his name. I need to talk to him about getting off my 24 hr fitness account bc ill probably get it at costco. Yeah. I want a fresh start, which is a lot to ask for. I know I am fully aware. But I just have this gut feeling that if i give it enough time, it will work. So I guess I should stay positive. Do me. Focus on me. 

I think we could have been awesome friends. I think I know him pretty well, even his dark sides to be good friends with him. IDK. thats just what I think. One day he will meet the perfect girl for him and I want to be there and say YES! She is great and you guys will be so fucking happy together because I know that I was never right for him.