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hatsukeii · 5 years ago

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One where y/n has been obviously in love with Tsuki since they were kids and not afraid to show it, but he’s always been lowkey mean to her and thinks she’s annoying and then finally years later she decides he’s not a nice guy and let’s him know she’s fine with all that crap and then he realizes he’s falling for her and does something really sweet for her and they fall in love? 😭😭🥺👉🏻👈🏻 ty in advance. Sorry if this is too long or specific, if it is, feel free to ignore

I genuinely hope you didn’t think I would actually ignore this<33

IM SORRY IM A MASTER PROCRASTINATOR ILY ALL AND YOU ALL DESERVE AN APOLOGY FROM ME

Dear diary//Tsukishima Kei x Reader

Word Count: 1.4k+

Warnings: Cursing

Genre: Angst??? I guess???

Summary: He’s an ass, but you still love him to bits, and it’s killing you.

July 16, 2008

Dear Diary,

I got to play with Tsukki again! He had his dino with him, it was super cute! He told me his front teeth came off last night, and there’s a big hole in his teeth, but it’s okay, because he said it will grow back. I tried to hold his hand while going down the twin slides but he said it was sweaty, so next time I’ll wear gloves!

You flip through the hot pink diary, cringing at your young infatuation. Your diary entries were cringey as fuck, but they always rekindle something within you whenever you read them. You can’t even remember when you stopped writing in the book. Was it when you turned 10? Maybe 12? You don’t have a single clue.

April 30, 2011

Dear Diary,

Tsukki refused to marry me in the playground at break:(( I’ve known him for so long though, aren’t we supposed to get married? I just wanna hold his hand and hug him and give him a biiiiig kiss<33

Chuckling at the memory, you recalled the event from that entry clearly. You were seven years old only, still an immature kid. You still thought that getting married in a middle school playground was a huge milestone in life, almost as crucial as a legal marriage.

May 29, 2016

Dear Diary,

Love how Tsukki didn’t even remember my birthday:,) Must be nice getting made fun of. Half the students in my class felt my second hand embarrassment from when he completely forgot about it. God, why am I even in love with this asshole? I’m gonna have to go to school tomorrow and deal with all my classmates making fun of me for being hopeless. Brb, currently digging a hole for myself:)

Frowning at the memory, you think back to when you were twelve. He was an asshole then, still is an asshole to this day. And yet not an ounce of your unconditional love and support for him has faded. Grabbing a tissue, you wipe the remaining tears from your eyes, ignoring the dried tear stains on your cheek. Your hand slams onto the bedside table, lazily feeling for your phone. Tilting it towards your face, you sigh at the empty lock screen, accepting defeat. Flicking through the rest of the book, you are welcomed by pages and pages of white. “So that’s when I gave up on this diary...” you mutter to yourself as you lift yourself up from your bed. Heading towards your desk, you absentmindedly grab yourself a pen, notebook in hand. Slamming the diary down, you open it up to the next entry page after your last one, gently placing the tip of your pen on the first line. You grab your hair out of frustration, the ink bleeding into the thin paper. “What to do, what to do...?” You mumble, starting to form sentences in your notebook.

July 17, 2020

Dear Diary,

It’s been a while hasn’t it? Holy shit, all my entries were about Tsukki weren’t they? Jesus, of course they were. At least I was able to get it off my chest this afternoon. Telling him that I’ve been in love with him for years, that was fucking terrifying. Telling him that although I know he’s an ass, an animatronic dick complete with ballsack, that won’t stop me from falling harder, it was gut wrenching, but also relieving to a certain degree. I’m still waiting for some form of response, although I’m not sure I’m gonna get one anytime soon. I can’t decide whether telling him was the dumbest or bravest decision I’ve made. Maybe it was both. Just wait until I look back on this entry like a decade later and still cry about it lmao. Tbh he’s a genuinely nice person at heart. I know that all too well. He may be an ass most the time, and he may think I’m annoying, but despite how hard he tries to push me away, I’ll never abandon him. Jesus Christ, I sound like a yandere here, but it’s not that. It’s that I care for him a lot. Maybe even a bit too much. It’s ridiculous how absolute and utter shit a crush can make you feel.

Throwing the pen down, you flop back onto your bed, huffing into the thick blankets. You stay silent, not sure of what to think of the situation. “I’ll just deal with it all tomorrow, I’m tired of this shit.”

On the other side of the incident, Tsukishima is currently going through a mental crisis.

The blond sits at his desk, eyes unwavering, but focusing on nothing. It feels as if he hasn’t blinked in what seemed to be hours. Just hours of staring at his wall that led to nothing. Your confession plays in his head nonstop, like a broken record that refused to run out of battery.

“The thing is I like you. I’m pretty sure I always have. And I know that you’re such an asshole and all that, you won’t treat me as well as people would expect, but it’s fine. I’m fine with all that. All the dumb, stupid, careless insults you’ll throw at me, the side eyes and sneers, telling me to shut up and go away, I’m fine with it. I know you’re a good person, and that’s all that matters to me.”

“Well shit what the fuck do you want me to say?”

Maybe he shouldn’t have said that.

Maybe he should have let you down slowly.

But as he stares at his wall, the photos of the two of you framed and balanced on his floating shelves, he starts to reconsider his feelings.

The way your expression faltered then as you hastily took your bag and rushed away without a single word, the way you avoided him in the halls, the way you stopped talking to him throughout the day, it drove him crazy. He couldn’t handle the realisation that he hurt you so incredibly badly, so now all he can do is stare at his empty, blank wall. Did he know why he felt that way? No. He didn’t and still doesn’t. He’s Tsukishima fucking Kei, the emotionless, provoking, unlikeable king, yet a mere girl is somehow able to mess with his mind so badly, that all he can do is wallow in regret and confusion? What is this weird feeling? His throat itches, his heart is beating like crazy, sweat starting to gather around his temples. He clamps his two hands together, slamming his forehead onto them and squeezing his eyes shut.

How could I have been so dense?

How was he unable to see that you were absolutely in love with him? Even with the bento boxes, birthday gifts, constant compliments, he still only ever thought you liked him as a friend. However he never did. He likes you more than that. Way more. Yes, he thought, and still thinks you can be annoying at times, especially when you nag at him about not eating enough or being rude, but it was undeniable that there was something else he felt. But his stupid ass shitty ego would never let him admit it. And now that you finally confessed, he freaked out and fucked up. Even then, he didn’t think it would affect him to this extent.

“It was a stupid middle school crush, I’m over you (Y/N).”

He says that over and over again, desperate to cloud out the disagreeing thoughts in his head that scream otherwise.

“It was a stupid middle school crush, I’m over you.”

The guilt didn’t go away.

In fact, now that he’s said all that, he feels even worse. Oh how much he wants to find you right this second, wrap you in his arms, tell you how incredibly sorry he is, but he can’t. He doesn’t deserve to do that. His heart is begging for him to just get out of the house and run to yours as fast as he could, but his body won’t move. He wants to cry. Scream. Shout. Throw something. Shatter something. But most of all, he wants to get another chance.

Picking up his phone, he hesitates, before typing in your contact, the cleared out, empty chatroom showing up on his screen. Going as fast as his fingers could, he typed out the one sentence he’s been dying to let out.

“It was a middle school crush, but I’m still into you. I always have been.”

Is it just me, or is this bad-

Idk man it seems like all my fics are pretty much the same and I hate it😌

Tags:

@sunshines-and-tatertots @izzyphantomgamer @justachillgirl @trashcanweeb @just-another-bored-writer @poppirocks @majorfangirl37 @kaylacinderella @random-fandomlover @tiger1719 @tiredgr3mlin @itmekisuu @skyeackermans @talks-a-lot-of-stuff @shoutsukii @agentvicinity @sakusasgarbage @kuroo-thought-of-a-better-un @sneezefiction @bokutokoutarou @thirstyvolleyballhoe @iwaixiumi @iwaigroomi @inlwlevi

Feel free to comment or pm to be added to taglist!

I’m back to writing lmao I’m bored in two week quarantine rn

Edit: cue me realising I was half asleep and missed something in the request don’t be surprised if I repost this💀💀💀💀

Btw the hq manga just ended time to cry

💕💕💕💕

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luvargas · 4 years ago

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i think i just saw LUCILA “ LU ” VARGAS ride by on a golf cart . at least i think it was her . after all , CREDIT IN THE STRAIGHT WORLD BY HOLE was blasting on the transistor radio . maybe she was on her way to work , i hear she’s a PERSONAL TRAINER . but she totally could have been on her way to SNEAK IN A SMOKE AT THE GARDEN . guess we’ll never know . you’ll definitely know its her when you see LOOSE AND TANGLED HAND WRAPS , BUTTON BADGES ON VEGAN LEATHER , AND HEAR THE SHRILL SOUND OF BICKERING around the country club . let’s just hope she stays off the green after hours or else the sprinklers will get her !

( new muse, messy thoughts, u get the gist. pls know the views of this chara do not reflect my own. the name’s katya, 21, she/her pronouns & im ready 2 party. feel free to hmu wnvr or drop a like to plot n ill com 2 u ! x — oh n pls be a pal n read this quick disclaimer. tysm ! )

BASICS

24 years old

15 april 1997

5′1″ or 1.55m tall

bisexual cis woman, she/her

aries sun, aqua moon, and aqua rising

love languages : quality time & acts of service

BIO POINTS

kid o’ divorce, lived w her ma in chicago til she was 6 then w her dad in highlands til 14 then back to her ma !

def a daddys gorl. so used to her white pop’s leniency that livin w her strict latina ma durin her teen yrs was So Not Her Vibe ergo * cue her rebel grrrl phase *

did not finish hs ! left senior yr 2 to go w her “ radically progressive ” college bf to [ insert dev country. ] they broke up after a few mos but she kept at that life for a couple more yrs

seen some places. lived in new countries. done some shit. some good, some sus, but all generally well-intentioned. tis a whole thing but u get the gist, nywy !

lu’s back in da usa by 21. rel w the ma is strained but the pa is chill w stuff, they kept in touch. he said shell get her college fund if she gets her ged so she does !

her dad is v active n stuff so shes just always been v sporty w him. lu turnin 23 w zilch plans worried him so he implored her to get certified as a personal trainer ! n when she did, he called in a few favors w a pal he knows et voilà ! ur hired.

LU AT WORK

shes been workin at the country club fr a little over a yr now. most her clients are influencer-type gals n they luv her bc shes can take rlly cute pics n stuff for content. lu sorta likes some of em n she fakes the rest for the bread. u can bet she clowns all em richies behind their back

unless she got clients, catch her runnin’ about the club n minglin’ w the other workers. does it annoy mngmt ? yes. n she luvs that. but bc her soon-2-b-karen clients luv her n wont stand for her bein booted, she can milk that impunity

actually knows her shit n lowkey rlly enjoys the work. she picked back up the boxing n tae kwon do she did when she was younger plus she was always in the track team at school. v healthy lifestyle save for her smokin vice n the party moments

PERSONALITY

passionate ! has lotsa opinions. helluva a drama queen, bit of a loud mouth, argumentative n stubborn but her heart’s in the right place, albeit a lil misguided. comes w the whole activist bit, bitin her tongue just aint it. highkey makes everythin political n smtms gotta realize .,.,. it just aint that deep chief. some say shes needlessly defiant, but maybe thats a in the beholder typa thing ? fingers crossed 4 lu’s sake

fun, fun, fun ! can be real naggy but shes no buzzkill. wannabe anarchist-slash-mutineer who wants 2 stick it 2 the man ! get rowdy go crazy

fight, fight, fight ! goin back to the first bit, she talks big. esp w like ,, men n the whites lol. she can actually walk her threats tho she isnt actually violent. w arguments, she likes to start em but finishin is ... ruff. also any dare, she wont back down in either doin it or arguin why doin it wld be smth-ist. shes not the sharpest tool ok rip lu

loyal legend ! fr her friends n buds, shell turn a blind eye. pals r the only exception ! truly ride or die n will do errthng 4 em. v much a believer in the power of community n ppl needin ppl or wtvr, yk, all that stuff. shes mouthy but like, she helps ppl

here’s a brief blurb n a more coherent look into lu as a character

TIDBITS

lu can understand spanish but hers is a bit broken, tis her secret shame shhh

she doesn’t believe in the institution. any institution. u name it, shes got beef

pls dont fact check her she cant hear u

probs lowkey thinks shes better than u bc shes vegan

prefers 2 be called “ lu ” n ny1 who insists on lucila is dead 2 her

comments abt her not lookin like a pt w her height n frame will result in an earful n a dramatic outburst. it aint worth it chief

watches lotsa sports w her pops. mostly indiv ones. mma, boxing, tennis, track, etc

dont ask me abt her principles n politics, i cant explain em either. v inconsistent n just messy at this point tbh but here’s a lil attempt ig

she drives a 2018 prius n lives in a p nice 1br apt outside the club

her mom’s middle class n her dad is almost upper-middle class. he isnt a member of the club but, like ,,, he cld be if he wanted to lol. he spoils her sm while she hasnt rlly Spoken to her mom besides civility, rip they both stubborn, tis a vargas thing

she is v much in a comfy position money-wise n dsnt hav much Need to hustle but sis does hav a couple of organizations she regularly sends some dough to so thats nice ig

she went fr grassroots activist to a veteran twitter/tumblr/reddit/wtvr ranter n a change.org gofundme petition regular. is it burnout ? is she ok ? honestly who knows

WANTED CONNECTIONS / TAKEN CONNECTIONS

found family ! pals n squad wanted. y’all gotta hav patience or ear plugs to power thru her self-indulgent mini-rants but shell luv ya back tenfold !

carpool buds ? cld be a pal ! or maybe yall had a lil argument or small beef but lu still drives ym bc her pride ? said mother earth first even tho the tension n silly drama is funny

homies to smoochies ! just sum nsa makin out. cld be pals, cld be flirty, idk, but if u wanna kiss her shes probs ok w that

smoke bud ! just sum1 thats her go-to 2 smoke w on her breaks. knows not to call her out on how its not healthy fr a trainer yada yada she knows ok. let her live

an ex ? idk yet shes not rlly datey but thats out there

crushes ! this bitch hot but does she know how to flirt ? not rlly. watch her fumble

debate club ! aka sum1 she bickers w relentlessly. its valid, sum1 fite her. r u a worker or a club member ? either works. its a whole club bc she can have tons, lu can be hella annoying n testy

clients ! self-explanatory. do they get along tho ? lets find out !

( im officially braindead now but if y’all got more ideas or think theres smth lu wld fit just lmk !!! down 4 wtvr, wld luv 2 hash it out w yall <3 )

#highlandsintro

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icharchivist · 4 years ago

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first: WAHHHHHHHHH 😭😭😭 I got so emotional!!! so emotional!!!! so much that I can’t even do this first second pattern bc I have SO MANY thoughts!!!!!!! I’m writing this in my notes instead of straight into the askbox so u know it’s serious business™

ok so debut night!!! I was like ahah yeah it’s a tragedy whatever it’ll be fun to start out with and then the voice acting was SO good that it knocked me out of the park and I almost cried haha. it’s crazy how good the voice acting in a3 is like I love how the dialogue and voice acting works well together bc like it’s limited but so effective!! u can so very clearly see and understand the style they’re going for. especially like tsumugi’s death scene... the Talent jumped out it really did... uh and ok so. I think I may be a littleeee confused abt the play bc I had always interpreted tasukus last lines as raphael to be like abt his being secretly in love with michael. but now that I’m actually reading the line that’s like oh don’t fall for a human it only ends in misery I know that all too well or whatever... ig the implication is that raphael was in love with another human / the same lady michael was in love with in the play. side note I had to go back and edit the proper names in instead of tasuku and tsumugi lol... but speaking of!! speaking of the voice acting and the play itself I 1) love how blatantly obvious it is when tsumugi goes for that grander, tasuku like style of delivery!! like u could just so easily feel the difference it was wild... and 2) tsuzuru is once again spot on with his writing, lol... I felt that like raphaels inability to save or help michael really parallels how tasuku feels abt tsumugi so well, and it’s wonderful that they r able to resolve things and tasuku can properly compliment him on his acting where the angels fail to do so. it’s very good. and I think the play rly highlights (for me at least) that like. to tasuku, it was tsumugi who was sort of an unreachable existence. like were he to idolize and respect someone’s acting, it would be tsumugi. and I think that like caring carries over into their roles really well, because I think in michael’s love for a human tasuku sees like... tsumugi’s style of acting. the heart that he’d lost while within the god troupe. mb I’m losing my mind a little but ah. the play rly works with their relationship so well!! im very excited to see the other winter ppl get main roles tho—same for all the troupes!!! now this ask is too long so I’ll have to do another part lol

going to start off this second part of the ask abt hisoka bc oh my GOD. hisoka. like I was just thinking “hm where r the winter troupe cgs anyways” and then BAM. hisoka CRYING???? especially since he doesn’t seem that emotional it was a really hard hit!!! and who tf is august.... ok well actually theory time!! skipping ahead to the end theres that note that like mentions December and April and. not to expose my friend but very many years ago (a couple years before a3 was launched, at the very least) she wrote this story where there were like 12 orphan assassins and they were all named after months. I remember the main dude was named dec lol. coupled with my “hisoka is capable of murder” bit? listen.... I’m not saying anything but I’m also not not saying anything if u feel me. also I feel like assassin / thief with mysterious background is a common trope!! that was silver from the pokémon adventures manga too... why is this my reference point lmao. anyways I’m unclear if assassins would make it into a3 but like.... if the yakuza and supernatural stuff makes it in...

okay moving away from conspiracy theories and into emotions!!! the quotes from like EVERY mankai actor before the final production made me SO emo... and yay!!! they won!!!! (though admittedly I almost had a heart attack when no one clapped) but they won!!!! that ending cg!!!! and I adore how sakyo immediately goes after god troupe man (I know his name is reni I just don’t feel like calling him that) for the money lol it’s just so sakyo-like. also I love the lil mixed troupe interactions!! I found the game night ch so fun.... ahh, now I wanna reread that ch since it was so good lol

all in all I was super satisfied ahh!! I am SO excited to start up spring troupe again (HELLO character development!!! and chikage) and I’m even MORE excited to get thru all the act 1 events!!!! as a final note, is there any way to reread or replay the flair conversations? I didn’t want any spoilers for the plays while I was doing the practices for them so I kinda sped thru the first time ahah...

HELLO FRIEND IM SO HAPPY TO GET SUCH A LENGHTY ASK ABOUT WINTER IM LKDJFLKDJFLKFD Winter makes me feel shrimps emotions (i know the whole “shrimps can see more colors than humans can’t comprehend” thing has been disproved but i’m not letting go of that expression, i REALLY feel emotions humans can’t comprehend anymore and i’m going to make it everyone else’s problem)

1) First about the voice acting, rIGHT this is just so fascinating to me!!! I remember after act 2 i came back to reread the main act 1 chapter and i was so thrown out by how GOOD the voice acting was, especially for the first few troupes having to convince you they’re not comfortable or good at acting yet. Winter whole thing is that they’re more subtle and mature and you really feel that with their voice acting, Tsumugi’s voice especially knock it off the park anytime he’s on screen.

2) Second: what does it say about me that i’ve never, ever considered your reading a possibility because i was so set on “oh Raphael you’re in love with Michael sooooo bad you see it as a tragedy already because you can see him throw his life away” i didn’t even consider “maybe Raphael went through that too”. Though i guess if we’re going with that reading i can totally see “The Woman” they let themselves consumed by easily be a representation of acting or even more the God Troupe, with Raphael/Tasuku knowing to step away before it consumes him completely while Michael/Tsumugi, by his love and passion, pushed himself until he broke, which fits and it hurtsssss god Winter plays hits so hard.

3) Third: oh god yeah when Tsumugi goes for Tasuku’s acting it’s just. It makes me SO uncomfortable, i’ve experienced this scene like three times by now and the third time i was just “can i skip it i can’t go through this again i can’t Tsumugi i love you i can’t do this”. It doesn’t match the play at all and it just throws everyone off balance, and Tsumu you could have told theM YOU WANTED TO DO THAT.... god

4) Fourth: I LOVE YOUR READING SO MUCH I LOVE IT I LOVE IT YES YOU’RE RIGHT!!! Just as we follow Tsumugi let his passion consumes him until he breaks, Tasuku’s character arc really jumps out in Raphael, like, everything you say!!! The way Tasuku/Raphael knew how the feelings Tsumugi/Michael felt would hurt him on the long run but he didn’t know what to do about it until it was too late, the regrets and the way Raphael voices his frustrations.... Tasuku struggles to be honest without acting (Tasuku pls i love you) but having such a role really help him expressing all he feels about Tsumugi and i’m HHHH this is so good so so good!!! but yeah i also love that Tasuku finally manages to actually compliment Tsumugi naturally, that he understands he can’t let him destroys himself again and it’s just gnhhhhh Tasuku is so kind and considerate and i care about him so much....!!!

5) Fifth: “i’m losing my mind a little” winter mood, winter mood winter mood- (though every troupe’s mood tbh but Winter is gnhhhhh kdhd hdhjf??? you feel me) (i am BIASED i can’t help it TwT) but yeaH i’m looking forward to see how you react to the others plays because the roller coaster juST BEGUN!!!

Onto part 2... Winter Troupe Chapter Feels... 2!

6) Sixth: DLFJDFKLDF HISOKAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE HIM SO MUCHHHHH. Hisoka crying fucked me up so bad!! so so bad!! Like on my first read i didn’t know what to think of him as he starts out very apathic to his troupe and then the more it goes on the more you can feel he starts to open up and i’m soft for this sort of slow burn, but then this whole scene happened and it HIT ME IN THE FACE, he was crying, i was crying, we were all crying, the Unopening Door opened a flood of emotions i can’t cope with. He sounds SO VULNERABLE during that scene and i know all of the Winter Troupe united on “taking care of him” but that’s really the moment i went “i care you and i will keep taking care of you” and look at me now. Thanks funky little scene for ruining my life. I��m glad you liked it i’m aldhjflkjdfkd Hisokaaaaa.....

7) Seventh: I am not commenting on the theory but 👀 that’s so highly specific your friend has a galaxy brain i love it. and i love the idea of “well we have yakuza and supernatural entity what’s an assassin adding himself to it” dLKFJDLKF i know everyone in Mankai calls Izumi out everytime someone joins but that’d be peak. I’m not going further about what December and August and April are all about but i love this plotline sO much, the few mentions of August when Hisoka regained his memories for a minute still haunts me, the guilt he seems to feel and this pain i’m just... godddd such a good set up. I love this plotline.

8) Eigth: EMOTIONS!! Oh GOD YEAH THE ENDING WITH ALL THE OTHER ACTORS... I cried so hard it’s just. It really shows you it’s not just the culmination of the Winter chapter but of all the act 1 main plot and it really makes you feel how much of a journey you’ve been onto!! A3 is so good at showing you the growth of its characters that especially by the end of Winter you really saw how all of them grew in their respective chapters and how cozy they felt in their new home in the remaining chapters, and the fact this chap has those defining character arc’s lines really drive home “oh my god that was a journey” i love them sO MUCH....

9) Ninth: wE WOOOON!!! They’re all so good i just. i’m gonna cry just thinking about it dlfdjlfk i know like, the game has so many content so you know it can’t end at the end of Winter but the suspense really was there. BUT YEAH LMAO I LOVE SAKYO DOING THAT IMMEDIATLY, man sure has the eyes on the prize and we love him for that. AND THE GAME NIGHT SCENE they are all sO CUTE and sWEET and they’re a family now and i’m hHHHHH i love a3 a normal healthy amount that isn’t just making me cry thinking about how all of them grew so close even through mixed troupes.

10) Tenth: I am SO happy you were satisfied with the plot so far!! I’m genuinely so happy that you decided to take that journey with us and that you shared all of this with me, and i’m so so happy you liked it!! There is still so much content and all of it is so worth it!

11) Eleventh: Yes!! The flair conversations are all readable on the Mini-Chat tab! So they’re easily accessible and they’re sorted in a way that’s easy to read so you can feel comfortable skipping the flairs if you want until you have seen the stories the flairs are all about. They’re all kinda set during the rehearsals (except for some crosstroupe conversation that wouldn’t make sense if they were like how the Summer Troupe talks with the Spring Troupe in their Flairs DKLFJDF but it’s okay what is a timeline anyway) so some of them are set pre-development and it’s wild to get back to them. I love rereading Flairs i get emotional everytime.

ANND That’s it for this ask! i had a blast reading through your thoughts and i’m so happy and excited!! i’ll send you the drive now so you can start digging through it whenever you feel like it :3c good luck grinding for act 2, meanwhile i hope you’ll have fun with all the act 1 events i compiled for you!!

(side note i need to update the drive too but it’s mostly act 2 content anyway, the only two act 1 things i need to update on it is Sakuya’s birthday card i think?? i think Itaru’s is already in act 2 so i’ll try to get around to it eventually but it’s so far away anyway) (edit: i forgot that the three cards i got for the latest revival are from act 1 DLKJFD okay so i’m missing three cards -)

The drive has backstages and event stories and it may be a lot and overwhelming ahah. Focus on the event stories for the plot and go back to the backstages whenever you feel like it, no need to read them at the same time, unless you want to in which case everything is set up for you :3c and there’s a file with cards that aren’t associated to events too so... lots of goodies hanging around. I’ll send it to you in DM ;O

Take care and thank you so much for all your thoughts! my inbox remains wide opened for any others thoughts you may have as you go further into it :3c

#ichafantalks a3 #i love the winter troupe SO MUCH it's unreal this ask made me cry i was just LDKJFDLK WINTER!!!!!!!#i love your thoughts so much thank you for all of it <33 #sonnets-of-beauty #ichareply #long post for ts

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celesjial · 6 years ago

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han jisung growing up because for some reason we all seem to ignore this :)

our story begins with this child 👇👇

this is the braces boy who attended def academy and tbh, he still looks 48030480 times better than i ever will so lets just stop to appreciate fetus jisung’s one piercing, braces, and his accentuated cheekbones bc they’re beautiful. let’s also appreciate his melanin and his awkward lil interview he did, which you can watch here if you’d like :).

~ moving on! let’s start in 2017, with the survival show :) (also where i fell head over heels for this boy and still going strong today ✊✊) here he is in all his glory of the survival show :)

um. the cutest? honestly i’m not surprised this is the person i chose to stan? like hfakhdflkklahdf this was the day of the jyp vs. yg thing and lemme just say i was NOT okay after that episode. those tears were all induced by this lil sweetheart above :)

and while we’re on the topic of the survival show, let’s talk about the busking. here is han jisung during their first ever meeting with the fans “live show” busking, absolutely k i l l i n g it. :)

lets just? okay moving on SIGH lets enter the months of 2018. lets enjoy this gorgeousness at his best at a fansign in 2018. here’s a pic from one of the very first fansigns stray kids ever did in the beginning of january :) jisung in pink? a big yes. big big big big yes.

im not gonna mention the ears because you know what? no. i’m not putting myself through that. time skip tho, let’s head to february to this live fan meeting they did :) (jisung’s hellevator fancam on this date? is a must watch) click here to watch it full :)

i don’t get how a 17 year old could be this effortlessly ethereal? and this outfit? like uh huh? get it 17-year-old still predebut jisung GET IT :)

ugh im going crazy i miss predebut days already buuuut let’s move on to their debut stage. gosh--i remember watching this and thanking the lord minho and felix were back-but that’s a story for another day. let’s all say hello to jisung’s red? purple? copper? copper with red and purple highlights? hair and his -- sigh-- infamous mullet days. ngl i kinda miss it, even though i really hated it when i saw it the first time. nonetheless, on to debut stage han jisung! (he wanted everyone to call him han, but i gave up on that because personally i think jisung is a very pretty name and im gonna use it :))

you know what? dumbass mullet or not i still love him (all the mullet enthusiasts boutta attack me)

moooooooving on from the debut stage, let’s talk about fansigns and jisung in the i am: not era. let’s just--i think this mightve been his realization that he’s just a softy boy and so he decided to take the cutest teeny lil pics possible, because here he is enjoying life at a fansign in april 2018 :)

B U N N Y. MY BUNNY. FIGHT ME HES THE CUTEST EVER AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH SO MUCH SO MUCH SO MUCH SO CMUCH. :)

however, the colored hair didn’t stay for very long because we were back to dark pretty soon :) something we’ll later come to miss, you’ll see :) anyways, moving on to june and this legendary stage!

this was jisung’s day and no one else’s. he murdered me, let me be buried, dug me up, and murdered me again and i was not o frickng kay. it was hot the day they performed and he was sweating like crazy and smiling and just wilding on stage and i had no words, lemme tell ya. y’all seeing him grow up yet? no? that’s okay, we’re getting there ;) let’s move on to a soft pic since i don’t think staring at this one for very long is good for your health kdhaljkfhdajhdf.

so onto july 2018! here’s an airport pic of the day he got his drink stolen and started pouting like a lil baby. he’s gorgeous and adorable and his big blue shirt and hat and stuff ughhhh aljdhflka i dkkk.

but here :)

yes. just--yes. jisung in baby blue? yes. jisung anywhere anytime? yes. yes. yes. just---yes. :)

let’s go ahead and move on to august, aka the month jisung decided it would be a great amazing time of the year to start murdering us all. let’s start off a lil bit smooth--here’s the day they were on stage and jisung decided it’d be a great idea to be crazy hot.

maybe i just got a thing for jisung in baseball caps, ya know? but maybe you’ll notice his hair starting growing longer here--and here we begin the era of the hottest person ever--long haired jisung. it is a phenomenon that no one can beat, not even get-cool era jisung because--well, you’ll see.

prepare yourself. the next pic is not a fun one to go through, trust me.

i’ll let you have a moment. take your time, breathe, it’s okay :) i go through the same thing every time i see this photo, don’t worry. but hey, do you see the growing up now? if not, before we get into the real stuff, i suggest you scroll back up and compare that very first pic you saw to this one. see it now? yeah, i thought so. and we’re not done yet.

say hello to blonde jisung! the jisung we’re gonna be seeing for a while--till the end of 2018, to be exact aljhadlkjfhadkjfhalkjdhf. this is just the beginning, kids. buckle up.

let’s move on to the i am: who unveil--prepare yourself. none of the following pics are fun. none of blonde jisung is fun. i hate blonde jisung.

here we go!

yup. i am who jisung said move out of his way, because he is the king and no one can stop him. go ahead and admire him for a bit longer. we’re nowhere near finished yet. (PS DO YOU SEE THE GROWTH CHANGE YET BC I SEE IT BICH)

anyways!!!! let’s move on to kcon thailand 2018 jisung! as in king prince jisung who can never be beat so shut up!

yup. mhm. i have no caption for this one except warning: may cause heart attacks bc i know the day the fansite pics of this came out i nearly cried and died and cried again yall know. new stans, here’s what you missed of han jisung but dont worry! i’ll always be here to introduce you to him :).

anywho! let’s do another pic from 2018 before we get on to december jisung. and january jisung of 2019. warning now--if you want to scroll past this post you probably should now, because you may actually collapse after that. but let’s have a little fun first! here’s jisung from that day yall already know--yup. this day. here we go.

yup. last blonde jisung you’ll be getting, because we are moving into 2018 jisung.

hold up. actually, i lied. you’ll get one more blonde jisung--but beware. we’re moving into award show era. ready? no? oh well, here you go anyways. let’s have king jisung from this award show--the one i cannot remember the name of but whatever :)

ah, right! the asia artist awards. ahaha the good old asas. oh well, i’m sure you don’t care about that--i mean, are you LOOKING AT THIS pIC? this day will always be remembered as the day jisung told changbin to move bitch and let him walk the center of the red carpet. anywho, yeap! this is the last blonde jisung, i swear. we’re moving into--shudder--mama era jisung. nothing else to say, here we go.

uh huh. i’ll give you a minute, don’t worry. blue haired jisung was the reign of all jisungs and fight me. FI G H T ME. what tf happened to the cute child from january? this ain’t him. this is a lil demon right here. i will never, ever get over december 2018 mama jisung. never.

but we’re not done here, tho! because the awards shows went on into january! and february! but don’t worry, i won’t kill you with all the pics. just one. let’s move on to faded silver haired-jisung, or the radiance of all the awards show of 2019.

here you go! have fun with this one! this jisung was out to kill us all--i still don’t think i’m over it, ya know? but like, whatever. i’m just out here tryna bias this satan of a person, you know. that’s how it be.

aannddd finally, let’s move on to current han jisung. han jisung right now. han jisung on march 25, 2019, as in exactly one year after he debuted. let’s take a look at what han jisung looks like these days. :)

here we have a nice old han jisung from just a couple of days ago! isn’t that great? we love this man.

i hate him get the demon away from me lord help me--

but let’s just appreciate his growth. ngl, i didn’t think he could change much when i was watching the survival show because of how gorgeous he was already, but god damnit he did and he killed me several times along the way. a

and that was the story of han jisung since debut! still don’t see the growth, scroll back up, don’t read my inserts, and look at the last pic again. i’m sure you see it by now. let’s appreciate han jisung growing up everybody! i’m totally not crying, and you aren’t either. but yeah!

i love him a lot and you should love him too, even when he had braces because he was a cute lil mtf back then and i miss him a lot.

but yeah! that’s it i have no closure for this post so goodbye :)

#stray kids #han jisung #why did i do this #watch no one see this #sigh

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cheeta8-blog · 6 years ago

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Tonight

I am currently crying. Tears of sadness, loneliness, boredom. I’m thinking too much. I’m by myself in a room for a double. Listening to music to soothe me. Good, Bad, Ugly is playing while I type this. I’m hungry. Starving. It’s 10 pm close to 11 pm. Wasn’t very productive today; wasting my day watching videos but what else is there for me to do on a Friday other than forcing myself to get started on my homework. No one starts on a Friday.

(I know... some of you may think this is pathetic and some of you may not.)

I’m alone in a double room. A double room for two people. The person besides me that lives in the double is my roommate. She is not here. I’m alone. I hate weekends. The weekends are when I feel lonely the most. I think to myself: “you chose to do this to your self”, “you are no fun”. I’m so lonely. Far away from home, but sometimes I always want to get away from home. I can’t make up my mind anymore.

Stuck in this room on a Friday night. No one texting me. No one calling. I could call someone but why to call someone that you haven’t bothered to call at all, doesn’t matter cause they never bother to call either. The “someone” excludes my parents who are the only ones I call just a checkup since I’m away from home living in a currently empty room. I used to receive text none stop. Crazy alerts from messenger… not anymore. I think to myself “you made your decision “. I say I don’t care all the time but half of the time I really do and I bottle it in. People say April babies don’t show emotion; I believe that but they do show emotion when no one is around and we definitely show that we care for others who don’t even show it in return and appreciate it. April babies take the “no appreciation” to heart and always remember and learn. I’m crying.

During the week I walk by myself cause I have classes. This semester I don’t know anyone that I knew entering college anymore. I cared too much and did not have the patience for stupidity and drama. Friendship shouldn’t consist of you kissing an individual’s ass all the time when they throw a tantrum and always saying they don’t need friends like us and then go complete bipolar. Friendship is like being a family, not forcing someone to do what you’d like them to do or wish they would be more like you. It’s is understanding one another. I’ve understood, resolved issues, gone out of my way for people who I considered my closest friends and they never once showed appreciation. I always look for “you” but you never bothered to look for me. And you call me “your” friend. Don’t call people your best friend if you don’t really do things that the word “best friend” is supposed to stand for. I’ve experienced making the worst “best friends” and now I don’t call anyone that anymore. I’ve experienced betrayal the most and decided that I don’t want to go through it again. I keep telling myself: “family is forever. Friends are just acquaintances that only contact you when they need something”. Someone contacting me when they need something… that happened a lot.

I’ve stopped crying. I’m still alone listening to Logic. Logic is wise. I’d like to be friends with Logic maybe he would give me good advice and… I don't know maybe make me think differently from what I think now. Listening to hype music when your feeling low helps a little. Lauv got me in my feels right now.

This is random but I've never had a boyfriend. I’m not a lesbian. I just haven’t found the right man. I’ve gone on dates and have had close guy friends that asked me out but I only saw them as a family. I no longer talk to any of them anymore. That makes me sad. Sometimes I think it’s my fault but then I also think that I didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve talked about these things with those people who I called my “friends” or “best friends” but they never spoke to me. Never spoke the words of support. The support that anyone single women would like to hear. But when it came to them talking to me about their guy problems, there I go telling them encouraging words and supporting them. One said behind my back “you know… [me] will be single the rest of her life. She won’t have a boyfriend tbh”. When I heard this it was said from a guy I knew and still know, sadly I still run into him. He was the last person I would ever expect to say anything about me behind my back, the most dumbass in the planet that only shits out stupid words from his mouth thinking he is the shit. Y’all know those type of people. He got a girlfriend who I encouraged to go out with him cause she was too nervous and didn’t know well either or not she liked him. Yeah. Ha. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know that. I don’t tell people what I’ve done for them without their recollection. I’m the type to observe and see what type of people they are it just takes me a long time to realize in the end when they completely mess up. His words that were told to me were believable because I know what type of person he is. I say I don’t care but I think about it all the time and it bothers me but I don’t show it.

Still by myself.

Reading this may not seem long but typing it all down on my iPhone 6 or 7s, idk. “Notes” are coming really useful right now.

I tell my family all the time that I’ve wasted my first year of college and I truly did and I hate myself for that. Don’t waste your time with a group of “friends” you made in your hall. It’s best to be associated with clubs and organization and then have that group of “friends” to catch a meal or movie. It’s best to have things that will keep you busy throughout your college years once you start in the beginning. Trying to get involved later just becomes hard. You get lazy and sometimes when you actually do try to go, you either go by yourself and are left alone by yourself sometimes cause there are people who created their groups cause they were there from the beginning. You try but there is no connection and you no longer want to attend the weekly meetings.

To be continued...

#life #emotions #dating #friends

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kalexandriaaa-blog1 · 7 years ago

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November 6th

Lately my life has been CRAZY. And by "lately" I mean the past 23 years I've been here on earth. In all seriousness.

But these past 2 & 1/2- 3 years have been even more crazy then usual..

Well, 1st off I wanna say tumblr is something new to me, I wanted to try bcus just recently I have fallen off of social media; facebook, snapchat, Instagram due to internal conflict. And one of my dearest friends and I hung out this past weekend after soo long and she was telling me about this and I thought it was dope so I said fuck it and made one tonight.

Since this is my first post I just wanna dive in and say what I couldn't say on any other app.

In just these past, let's just say 3 years, I've been through things that have broke me, made me, built me, broke me down all over again, given me strength, has made me feel like the weakest person ever, like giving up... and I almost did, but I'll save that for another time. December of 2016, my now 3 & 1/2 year old daughters dad split for the 10th time, but for good. We were together for almost 8 years, since we were only wee little 14 year olds.. then I met another man, well i don't want to say met bcus we had seen eachother around at his job and have had small talk here and there, but in March of 2017 I added him on ig and he slid in my dm's. Lmao, anyways. We talked very blandly.. then came April, we hung out outside of his job for the first time (he works in a dispensary)... I went over to his house and I seriously felt like a little girl, butterflies, blushing, the giggles. It was the happiest I had felt since the birth of my daughter tbh. I fell in love w his smile from the get go, I remember going in to the shop he works at for the first time and seeing him and thinking "well God damn, if that ain't the finest mf I done ever seen"😅// yes when I first seen him I was still w my daughters dad, barely tho. We had stayed together for months on months thinking things would magically get better or something, and well they didn't so we decided mutually it'd be best for us to just go separate ways, so we did. Back to "finest mf I done ever seen", he budtended me and that was that, it was almost a year after that when we actually started talking talking, I guess you can say. And well things started rolling, fast. Within 2 weeks after hanging out for the first time, he rented a house on a hill for himself, me and my daughter. He fell in love w her before he even fell in love w me and that made me fall in love w him. Going thru a breakup w her dad had me so anxious, thinking to myself "who's gonna ever love me, I have a daughter".... but he did. J, let's call him J. J did. Things were AMAZING the first 2 months, then a tragedy hit. The biggest one ever, he had a baby girl from a previous hook up, she was only 4 months old. 3 days after I found out I was pregnant, June 29th of 2017, God took her home... damn, i think I'm gonna have to stop here and say "to be continued." I'll go on more about that another time as well.

My main topic for this post was originally gonna be about tattoos, bcus my sons dad and I went and got tattoos together tonight... and he got my name tatted above his heart 😭 & I was gonna talk about that.. damn. This post is just all over the fucking place. But that's me, my life be like..

✌🏽❤ • till the next post.

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bvsterkeatcn-blog · 7 years ago

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nitrateglow replied to your post: 4, 14, 23, 29, 44, 66

Oh my gosh, could you share your experiences with spirits?

Certainly! It got kinda long so I’m putting it under a read more-

So there have been a fair amount over the years, but I’ll just share the most significant ones.

I have sooooo many stories that happened at my job. For starters I work at a hospital on the overnight shift - so I’m there for twelve hours from 630 in the evening until 7 in the morning. If you want to experience a haunting, hang out at a hospital overnight, I guarantee you at some point you will experience something. The first three years I was there I worked on the mother-baby unit, which is a combined postpartum care ward and newborn nursery. Now most people wouldn’t expect that particular kind of unit to have activity, however there are a few things to consider here. 1) There’s many that believe these units end up with activity because spirits that are stuck in our world are somehow attracted to the new life/the positive energy in these areas which tbh makes sense to me but I don’t pretend to be an expert. 2) My hospital has been remodeled many times over the years, with the women’s care wards being in the original building, and in very close proximity to where the former ER was, AKA where many people died in the early years of the hospital (the ER was moved to the new building in the 1990s). 3) Its thankfully rare, but there have sadly been deaths in that area - mostly babies who were either born too early, died in utero, or something went wrong in delivery - and there has also been at least one instance I know of where a mother passed when something went wrong during a c-section, although that happened before my time.

So getting into the actual stories that happened on that ward now that you have some backstory. When I first started working there, I started seeing a woman in a patient gown. There was nothing significant about that to me, obviously. It was a postpartum ward, I was always seeing the new mothers walking around the halls, so at first I didn’t even realize it was a a spirit. It struck me as odd that she kept walking up towards the desk but never stopped to ask me anything (I’m a secretary, so usually when people come by my desk it’s for a reason), but I figured she was just strolling I would let her be. But then a few shifts later I saw her again, which had me starting to be like ????? because post-delivery patients are only there for four days, absolute max, and that’s only if they had a c-section. So I asked some of the nurses who this patient was and the first thing they asked me was which room it looked like she had come out of, and when I told them, and then described her to them (she was fair with long dark hair brushed over her shoulders, wearing a patient gown), they informed me that both one of the former nurses as well as a maintenance worker had seen her in the rocking chair of the room I had been seeing her come out of. I worked on that unit from April of 2014 until December of 2016 and I saw her several times a month the whole time I was there.

Also on that ward was the Shower Incident™. Around the corner from the nurses station/my desk, there was a room that we regularly would have reports of activity in. The patients would report seeing figures in there and hearing things, nurses had heard their names called, the call bell would go off with no patient even in the room at all. Anyways, one night we were set to get an admission in that room, and our techs were crazy busy so I offered to help her set up the room (she was also scared to go into that room alone because of the aforementioned reasons). While we were carrying the supplies into the room we heard water running in the bathroom, went in and saw the shower had turned on by itself. Not that there was something wrong with the pipes and it was leaking - the knob had been turned to the on position and there was no one else fucking in there. We both tried to turn it off but couldn’t, so we ran back to the desk and called maintenance. It took them about half an hour to get the water off and they had no idea what could have caused it to turn on like that.

Moving on to my current assignment on the Intensive Care Unit. No backstory needed there, if anyplace is going to be active within a hospital, ICU is the place to be. People die almost every single day on that unit, unfortunately, we get a lot of incredibly ill patients and that’s the nature of the beast. So one night I notice one of the call bells has been going off a while. Technically we’re supposed to let the nurses address their own patient calls, but it’s been going off for a while and I decide to pick it up and see what they need. I’m answered by a male voice who tells me he’s in pain and needs his nurse to bring his medication. I tell him no problem, I’ll give her a call. So then I look at the room assignment and notice that 1) there is no patient assigned to that bed, 2) both the patients on the rooms to either side are females, 3) all of the nurses on that side that night were females, so it couldn’t have been one of them fucking with me because it was undeniably the voice of an older man. So I call one of the nurses over there to double check that no one was in that room, and she confirmed that there was no one. Then, in the same room, the code blue alarm starts going off. I go to the room myself to turn the alarm off, also to confirm that there was no one in there, and went back to my desk. I swear to you, that fucking Code Blue went off FIVE more times. I had maintenance come down twice to look at the thing and he couldn’t figure out what was causing it to happen - between the third and fourth times it had happen he had even completely replaced the call bell panel in that room for us and there was no problem he could find with the system or the wiring.

And for one more, funnier but less impressive, story at the hospital - there’s a bathroom that I jokingly call the Moaning Myrtle bathroom. It’s situated between our unit and the main OR, and when you go in there by yourself the toilets have a tendency to start just flushing of their own accord. Which like lmao what a dumb way to haunt a place but w/e I guess if you’re a ghost you can do whatever you feel like it ain’t my place to judge.

And to wrap this up, let’s talk about Gettysburg, PA. I’ve been there twice with my mom and my sisters, and both times we stayed in older B&Bs, the first one built in the earlier 1800s, and the one we stayed in last year pre-dated the Revolutionary War. So among the things I experienced there were having someone whisper in my ear while I was trying to get ready for dinner (my mom and sisters had already gone downstairs to wait for me, I was alone in the room), I saw misty figures on the battlefield the morning we were leaving, and it was an otherwise clear day there was no other fog/mist so I don’t think it was my eyes playing tricks. And the worst was when we were taking a walking tour of the buildings that had been used as field hospitals. There were taking us along the paths the soldiers had marched, down the street where there were known to have been sharpshooters posted in the buildings on either side, and when we walked through one spot I felt a sudden pain in my leg as if I had been shot, and experienced a strange breathless feeling and if I hadn’t been trying to contain myself in front of the tour group it probably would have brought me to my knees if I hadn’t fought it, which that feeling was followed up by a dream that night about a wounded soldier who was trying to speak to me. Unfortunately however I either couldn’t understand him, or if I had I had forgotten it upon waking up.

#nitrateglow #about #meagan rambles #so much rambling

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auiyoncesmind · 6 years ago

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Look, I know I said I was going to have to take a break from this site to focus on school or whatever, but since Gotham’s final episode is on tonight, I felt as though I wanted to get all of this off my chest. This may or may not be pretty long, so all of my thoughts are under the cut.

Gotham is pretty much the reason why I joined the DC fandom in the first place. It may seem pretty hard to believe, but it’s most definitely true.

I was watching Shameless at the time (as I’m sure a lot of people who joined the fandom at the time were as well), and about a week or so before Cameron’s first episode came on, I saw vids/gifs of what he looked like on the show, and it looked creepy as shit to me (almost like I’m watching a live-action version of the goddamn Chucky doll or something), so then I was like, “okay, maybe I’ll catch this episode and see what’s going on.” Mind you, I didn’t know much about Gotham (the city or the show) at the time I started watching this episode; the most I knew about DC back then were some of the household names like Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, The Flash, etc. Then I found out that Selina, Oswald, and Edward were on the show, which was pretty interesting, but judging by the way the show looked in the first season, I thought it wasn’t going to be a thing that I was going to stick with long term.

Boy, I was so fucking wrong.

[Spoilers if you haven’t seen 1x16 I guess, though it’s been out for years so idk wtf you’re doing if you haven’t] I remember seeing Jim and Lee towards the beginning of the episode being all cute and stuff, and idk how, but Lee just became my favorite character from there, because she was just a huge ray of sunshine with lots of kindness in her heart and everything, and all she wanted was to do cute couple things with Jim or whatever, and she’s very smart/intelligent and all of that. I think about all of the screen time she’s had since then and wonder why people still hate on this woman, because she’s not right all the time, but she shouldn’t be burned at the stake compared to some of these other characters (literally the villains are running this town, so it’s crazy to even think about).

Anyways, my Lee Thompkins appreciation rant aside, they brought up Dick Grayson’s parents (the dude wasn’t even born yet in the universe, and I thought about Dick and Bruce meeting at some point later on, only to realize that it probably won’t even happen), Fish Mooney trying to escape that prison she was in for most of the episode, Jerome killing his mother, etc., and all of this made me wonder what happened next. Obviously, Cameron wasn’t in anymore episodes after that one, but I still wanted to check out the other stuff going on in Gotham because it seemed genuinely interesting at the time. Sometime during the hiatus between season 1 and season 2, I caught up with the entire show to check out the main plot of the first season, holding on to some of the highlights of the season (e.g. Edward going mad towards the end, Barbara getting hypnotized by The Ogre, Selina and Ivy hanging out in Barbara’s apartment, the whole mob plot, etc.) until the next one came on. By then, I was hyped for the show and tuned in for every episode, and it’s been that way ever since. I found myself loving more things about it that previous episodes didn’t have (e.g. Tabitha Galavan, Hugo Strange, the Maniacs breaking out of Gotham, more mad Edward Nygma, etc.), and it instantly became one of my top favorite shows.

Some of that joy and happiness may have gone away with new episodes, whether it be because of the writing or the lack of suspense or whatever with some of the plots or the lack of interest in others, but I still kept going because I learned more about the DC universe through that show than I ever would have expected. Every time I heard a name drop on the show or a reference to a comic book story that I was interested in, I would look up some of that stuff online and get more information on it. Gotham, in a way, got me into watching the DCEU as well, especially with all the fan edits I saw going around on here and on Vine when it was still active. Around the show’s second season, I found out that one of my favorite actresses (Viola Davis) was gonna be in Suicide Squad, which had some familiar characters in it that I recognized as I continued my journey with Gotham (namely Joker and Harley), so I ended up watching it in theaters. The movie came out at around such a difficult time for me. I had lost my great grandmother a couple of weeks before its official release, and while things didn’t get much better after watching that particular film (my mental health was so fucked up to the point where my GPA dropped significantly that fall), I appreciated what that film gave me, despite flaws in the script and the ways in which people were talking about it online.

That following year, Wonder Woman came out. I wasn’t sure what I expected, really, because I didn’t watch that many trailers at the time, so I went in with literally no expectations, yet I came out with it being one of my favorite solo comic book movies ever. Then I found out that she was gonna be in Justice League and ended up watching it, too (though I didn’t know too much about the behind-the-scenes stuff at the time; all I knew in relation to that was the Henry Cavill face debacle, and tbh, that was one of the things about that movie that made me cringe). And then after that, I watched Batman v Superman and Man of Steel on my own time before I started glancing over some other DC-related media. I even caught a couple of episodes of some other DCTV shows (e.g. Supergirl and The Flash). This is what I mean when I say that Gotham got me here in the first place, and honestly? I haven’t been more grateful. I’m typing all of this as I’m wearing one of the Shazam shirts that I got from my school, just reminiscing on all the experiences I have shared with so many wonderful people in the DC fandom, which wouldn’t have been possible had I not tuned into that one episode of Gotham in 2015. So to know that this show’s series finale is right around the corner is a bittersweet feeling — but mostly bitter, because it ended under unfortunate circumstances and that I’ll never see all of these cast members together again.

It didn’t hit me for weeks leading up to this moment, too. Like, I was upset that the show got cancelled, but I wasn’t very emotional or anything just yet. And then Camren made that one Twitter post saying that 5x11 was her last appearance on the show. I was literally out in public reading all of the heartfelt words she put into her post, and I remember feeling like I was gonna cry in front of everyone. It was slightly embarrassing because I hate crying in public, but if we’re being honest, I didn’t give a shit. I’ve spent so much time dedicating at least an hour a day to a show I’ll never get to see again after April 25th, and that shit hurts me, you know? I’m sure we’ve all felt something like that when one of our favorite shows ended (and you’re probably coming up with a list of names as we speak). No matter what the circumstances are, we’re all mourning the loss of a show that meant so much to us at one point in life or another. Once upon a time, I didn’t think Gotham would be one of those shows, and yet here we are, and I am forever grateful for what the writers, the directors, the cast, and the rest of the crew has given its small little nest of DC/Batman fans.

With that being said, I want to thank everyone who was directly involved with this show and put hours upon hours of labor into creating something unique and interesting for new comic book fans. I want to thank the writers and directors for bringing so many wonderful DC characters to life. I want to thank all of the supporting / guest cast members, regardless of how much screentime you had while you were on this show. I want to thank Chris Chalk, Morena Baccarin, Jessica Lucas, Erin Richards, Cameron Monaghan, Sean Pertwee, Donal Logue, Robin Lord Taylor, Cory Michael Smith, Camren Bicondova, Ben McKenzie, David Mazouz, etc. for being probably one of the best TV show main casts a fan could ever ask for, as well as some of my favorite portrayals of your respective characters. I want to thank all of the wonderful people whom I’ve met on this wonderful journey throughout the past five seasons. Overall, I want to thank this show for everything it’s introduced me to within the DC universe. Your legacy within the DCTV universe will not be forgotten.

#userclaudia #gotham (fox)#anyways these are all of my thoughts #i can't really stay online much this week but like i said i wanted to get this off my chest before the show ends #i haven't poured my damn heart out for a tv show since the g/ee days and those were........something.......#jaelyn.txt

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funkaliciousfrog · 4 years ago

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I’m bored, so I’m temporarily turning into a seasonal anime blog for a single extremely long post.

I’m checking out more new anime than usual this season, and I’ve been in the mood to write lately. So, I thought it’d be fun to record my expectations for each show and my impressions of their first episodes. Even if no one but me ever reads it.

Joran the Princess of Snow and Blood

That one show I’m watching partially just cause Aoi Shouta is there. I’m interested to see if he can pull off a female character who dresses as a man, which as he put it himself is the “gyakku-pattern” compared to his usual roles. Tbh watching shows just cause Shouta is in them hasn’t worked out super great for me in the past (I didn’t really like 2.43 or Kimi to Boku, and Hamefura was just alright), so we’ll see what happens here. It’s an anime original so who knows how the story will end up. But going off the trailer, at the very least we’ll get some cool aesthetics and sick fight animation.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the plot of this show is gonna involve some politics, since it takes place in an alternate 1930s where the reign of the Tokugawa shogunate hasn’t ended yet. Yeah, you might need to skim a Wikipedia article or two on Japanese history for this one. The main characters are assassins, working undercover for the shogunate and fighting some group of superpowered shapeshifting animal people. The protagonist works in a bookshop by day and lives with her very young sister who does all the housework. She also has some kind of crow-related powers that haven’t been explained yet. In fact, there’s a lot of things about the setting that were only touched upon and I guess will be elaborated on later.

The character designs and background art are very nice, but something feels off with the actual animation. Things move in weird stiff ways, some of the special effects are kinda ugly, and the fight scenes in particular are disjointed at points. Although I think that disjointedness came more from the storyboarding than the animation itself? I can’t say for sure since I’m not one of those sakuga expert people. But, I can still tell the production value here isn’t quite as high as it appeared from the PV. The premise has potential, but as the story unfolds we’ll see if it’s good enough to carry the less than stellar animation.

And as for Shouta, all he really got to do this episode was be dapper and talk in cryptic insect-themed metaphors. Oh, and randomly pull out a lightsaber, since I guess they have those in this show? I’m mostly curious to see how the people who don’t pay any attention to voice actors will react when his character’s actual gender is revealed.

Mashiro no Oto

Hibike Euphonium was one of my first anime and remains one of my faves. So, I’m always interested in shows about classical music and/or playing instruments. The manga has won multiple awards so it should be a good story, and hopefully this adaptation is just as good. As another show about a traditional Japanese instrument, the Kono Oto Tomare comparisons will be inevitable. But honestly, I’d be happy just learn some stuff about the shamisen cause I think it's cool.

This was quite the whirlwind first episode. Our main character Setsu has been playing shamisen with his grandpa since he was a little kid. But, turns out his grandpa is displeased with his grandson’s sound, so he makes it his dying wish that Setsu stop playing shamisen. Once his grandpa does die, Setsu feels distraught, impulsively gets on a bus to Tokyo, ends up living with a random gravure idol for a week, picks fights with her no-good wanna-be rockstar boyfriend, at the very end a SWAT team shows up... it’s a lot.

And I don’t really know how it will proceed from here either. After speeding through this escapade in Tokyo, I think (or hope) that the pace will settle down starting next week. And going off the poster we’ll eventually end up in a high school shamisen club, somehow.

I really enjoyed the bits and pieces of shamisen music in this episode, it just sounds so cool! I hope to eventually get more specific information about the instrument and its repertoire. All I really want from these shows about extremely specific topics is to be educated! They also played either the OP or ED at the end, and it sounded pretty neat. Unlike Kono Oto Tomare they actually put the instrument of question into the song, which I appreciate (though I still like all the Kono Oto OPs and EDs).

The art in the PV didn’t seem like anything that special, but the episode itself actually looked very nice in the important moments. I especially liked the snowy background art from the beginning. They also took an interesting direction with the character designs: everyone is drawn with very thin lines and most of the time without cel shading. Sometimes it looks like an aesthetic choice, and other times it just looks kinda cheap. The animation itself is nothing crazy, but at least from my uneducated perspective the shamisen playing looks pretty believable.

After 2.43's Fukui-ben from last season, I guess this show will be my new source of Japanese regional dialects. Apparently Setsu’s accent is so strong that the girl he’s staying with asks him if he’s a foreigner, which I thought was funny. They don’t mention where he’s from, but he and his family use the same “-be” ending as the main character from the Great Pretender. Which isn’t helpful cause I can’t remember where he was from either. But anyway, for some reason it just amuses me every time someone says “dabe”.

(A footnote about Setsu’s accent: I’ve done a bit of research, or rather literally just typed “be” into jisho.com, which I can’t believe actually worked, and it seems to be some type of Touhoku dialect. His voice actor, Nobunaga Shimazaki, is from that area so I guess that checks out? Although according to the Wikipedia page it’s used as a generic rural accent in media, so maybe they don’t care about the specific region as long as he sounds like a country boy.)

Farewell, My Dear Cramer

Finally, an all-girls sports anime! There are a few out there already, but I haven’t seen any of them yet (except maybe Chihayafuru, which has a mixed gender cast but an awesome female lead). As far as I’ve read, most have mixed reviews and tend to lean into other genres and/or have a lot of fanservice. So, I’d really like this show to be the female version of a straightforward realistic sports show like Haikyuu that is missing from all our lives. But it looks like it might be a drama about sports instead, which potentially could be just as good. It did come from the Your Lie in April mangaka after all, if you couldn’t tell from the weird lips. Besides that, the art in the trailer looks really nice.

So apparently soccer, especially women’s soccer, is an unpopular sport in Japan? The protagonist Nozomi thinks she’s too good for girl’s soccer after playing with the boys for all of middle school, but is convinced to join the girl’s team in high school anyway. Then we meet a couple of her new teammates who were similar prodigies in middle school, and jump right into a scrimmage between the first and second years?

It’s kind of a weird first episode. While it does technically establish the setting and characters, after the first few minutes it kind of feels like we’ve just been thrown into the mix of things. There’s also a noticeable lack of music in a lot of scenes which makes it feel even weirder.

The character designs are less of a problem than I thought they’d be, although the lips and sometimes the eyes still do look a bit strange. The simple, almost graphic quality is actually kind of interesting. It’s also very refreshing to see a variety of female characters that just look and act like normal high schoolers. They’re really just here to play soccer, not to be sexy or cute or really attractive to the viewer in any way.

Although we do get some nice soccer playing in the ED, the animation in the episode itself definitely isn’t at Haikyuu levels or anything. They avoid actually animating a lot of the action with speed-line backgrounds and barely-moving shots where only the hair and clothes flap in the wind.

Nozomi has the same voice actress as Kaede from Gal and Dino, and her performance there was one of my favorite parts of that show so I’m looking forward to more from her. Aoi Yuki and Tomoyo Kurosawa, definitely a couple of notable names, also show up in this episode.

Fruits Basket Final

More Fruits Basket, lets gooo! Second season was awesome so I have high expectations. I’ve already been slightly spoiled on a few things about the ending, but I’m still looking forward to seeing the specifics of the mystery of the Soma family curse wraps up.

We pick up right where we left off last season with Kureno dropping the ~big reveal~ about Akito’s gender on Tohru. Turns out she’s a girl, but raised as a boy by her mother from birth for yet unknown reasons. Then he talks more about her parents: her dad Akira seems to be dead (yet another mysterious white-haired Akira Ishida character for the books), and her relationship with her mother Ren is messy to say the least.

Finally, best girl Saki shows up and saves the day! She brings Tohru back to her house, and along with Arisa gives her the reality check we’ve all been waiting for: she is going to burn herself out if she keeps on putting others’ needs before her own.

Interestingly, even though she seems to be a pretty bad mom, Ren is in the right here about the unhealthy relationship between Akito and the zodiacs. Is she really being kept inside because of physical and mental illness, or is that just Akito’s excuse for locking her mother away? I suspect it’s the latter. Akito loves a good power trip, and if Ren were allowed to talk to the zodiacs she could possibly undermine the hold Akito maintains over them. It could also be a combination of both reasons, so I’ll just have to wait and see.

The OP is awesome! The photo backgrounds incorporate the 2D characters well and it just looks very nice. The song’s R&B-ish sound also stood out instantly from the pop ballads Fruits Basket usually gives us. Once it comes out on Spotify, I will be adding it to my playlist along with Chime and Eden. Btw, if you haven’t heard the full version of Eden I recommend you check it out cause it really goes some places you don’t even get to hear in the TV-sized version.

On a side note, this show has some real fashionistas. Rin, Haruhatsu, Saki, and this episode Arisa have great outfits. That cropped shearling jacket with the skinny scarf? 👌 It’s also adorable how Saki and her little goth brother coordinate their looks. I will never forget that time they casually rolled up to an okonomiyaki restaurant rocking black opera gloves.

Zombieland Saga Revenge

More Zombieland Saga! The best part of the first season imo was the comedy, but I’m guessing we’ll get more into the mystery/drama part of the show here: more information about Kotaro and his motives/methods, Tae’s identity, etc. We’ll see how it goes. I’m also hoping for more bops like Adabana Necromancy and Saga Jihen.

Oh how I missed this show’s manic energy...

Since the end of the last season, it seems Kotaro got overzealous and booked an arena for a concert that only sold 300 tickets, putting the group into a whole bunch of debt. So now the girls are all working part-time to pay it off, and they’re not nice jobs either: factory worker, farmhand, construction worker... milk-deliverer? Do they even have those in Japan? Now there’s some #commentary on showbiz.

As for Kotaro, the whole thing has left him in such a haggard state that he’s managed to grow his hair down to his collar bones in a month flat. Now he spends his days bar hopping and rambling even less coherently than usual (although Mamoru Miyano is clearly having as much fun as ever). Franchuchu are left to prepare all by themselves for their anniversary concert at the tiny venue where they made their debut. But, they decide they’ll use it as a chance to sing the unperformed encore song from the arena concert for Kotaro, thinking it might relight his spark.

We do get a drop of new information about the plot: turns out there’s a strict deadline on the Zombieland Saga Project, which is the real reason why Kotaro so upset. Maybe whatever necromancy he used on the girls will wear off after a certain amount of time and turn them back into corpses? The bartender at his favorite spot is apparently in on the whole zombie thing, and he’s the one who finally snaps Kotaro out of it. He sprints over to the anniversary concert and literally starts throwing hands with the unreceptive metalhead audience. To finish out the episode we get a glorious slow motion brawl sequence as Franchuchu sing the encore song.

I don’t know if that encore will be the OP or ED, or if it’s just a insert song. It was alright I guess. To be honest I liked Iron Frill’s songs more than Franchuchu’s in the first season, and I feel like that will continue to be the case this season. I’m excited to see the new OP tho, even if it’ll be hard to beat the iconic Adabana Necromancy. And on a vaguely related note, it was cool to see the real Zombieland Saga ost album, Franchuchu The Best pop up in the episode.

Pretty Boy Detective Club

This one has people intrigued because it’s written by the author of the Monogatari series (which I haven’t seen yet) and animated by Shaft. There’s also the extremely Ouran-esque setup, with Maaya Sakamoto even voicing the cross-dressing main girl. Also I just think the title is funny. Honestly I don’t really know what to expect from this one besides the usual Shaft aesthetic, so we’ll see what happens.

Mayumi wears glasses to keep attention away from her pretty eyes, but while stargazing on the roof she gets caught without them by Ayumu Murase in a detective hat. He ropes her into the Pretty Boy Detective Club, a shady secret organization at her middle school. We enter the clubroom and meet the members, a bunch of over-the-top eccentric tropey characters that wouldn’t be found in any non-anime middle school in a million years. Shoutout to that one guy in the hot pants. Then Mayumi reveals that she’s been looking for a star she saw once on a family vacation, and the boys decide to take up her case.

I knew I was really in for something when I was hit with musings about Voltaire right out of the gate. Although from what I’ve heard about the Monogatari series, this kind of ~intellectual~ monologuing is totally on brand. And I don’t know if anyone else picked up on the subtle hints they were dropping in those monologues, but I sense that, maybe, perhaps, beauty is going to be a theme in this show...? Maybe it’s going to be some kind of #meta #commentary on pretty boys anime? That could be interesting, although there’s also a chance they’ll just play it straight. They even have an idol-anime-esque ED sung by the the main cast, so honestly it could go either way.

As expected from Shaft, the visuals are all on point. I love both celestial and geometric imagery so this show’s aesthetic feels made just for me. The shifts in art style are also pretty neat. As for the character designs, my favorite part is probably the snazzy school uniform with the galaxy printed ties and striped pants and skirts. Although Murase’s character momentarily sprouted one of those flesh-fangs that I HATE they look so NASTY.

I has a pretty fun time with this episode, it was just so absurdly Anime. I liked hot pants guy and his poses (tho I don’t love that he’s 12), and delinquent guy who was just tired of everyone else’s nonsense and casually ate food off the ground. They were at the beach too, so it probably got all sandy? And when this popped up I died laughing; truly words to take to heart.

(A footnote about the ED: I thought I had spotted an Elements Garden member in the songwriting credits, and then of course I had to find out if they actually made it or not. The lyrics were written by RUCCA, who isn’t actually in the group but collaborates with them frequently according to the Google Translated version of his Japanese Wikipedia page. He’s written for quite a few Elements Garden produced Aoi Shouta songs, which is where I recognized his name from. The composer is Masatoma Ohta, who as far as I can find isn’t associated with Elements Garden but did a pretty good job emulating their sound. Both of them have done a lot of work for seiyuu, idols, and seiyuu-idols, so I guess that’s why I instantly understood what this song was going for lol.)

#i'm also planning on watching yasuke and way of the househusband #but those are both netflix short series so not counting them with the ~seasonals~#ALSO this post is about the first episodes #but by now the second eps of joran and mashiro no oto have both aired and they were both pretty big improvements #especially mashiro no oto: if you watch only one of these shows i say go with that one #original

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ohh-kaye · 6 years ago

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2020 Resolutions

oh god this year was a disaster

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

fuck this. let’s just go through my failures this year bc tbh i haven’t looked at this since i posted it and i’m positive that i didn’t actively attempt to achieve whatever’s on here.

1. Keep reading! (YES)

THANK GOD. Here’s my Goodreads 2019 Reading Challenge for you.

I’m writing this post in advance and it’ll be up on the 31st. I’m reading A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin right now and I don’t think I’ll be able to finish it and therefore read 22 books this year (I hope I do though). I’m glad I read this much but also disappointed. Glad because I read 17 last year and disappointed because I read 22 2 years ago and that was during the hectic year of nursing school.

21 is not bad though. The Lord of the Rings set me back because it took me almost 3 months. Was it worth it??? yes. pls go read it. it’s great.

2. 200 stars on Duolingo? (EH?)

Duolingo had an update this year and they’ve replaced the stars with crowns so I don’t know what to make of this. Are they equivalent values? I don’t know because I have 188 for German, 167 for Spanish, and 134 for French. So are these equivalent to stars??? I don’t know.

I did write on my note about this from last year that i don’t think I’ll make it past a 200-day streak and look here bby

so maybe I should’ve trusted myself more and actually put “Maintain streak for a year” like I should have.

3. Collect puzzles. (YES)

I’ve finally bought a 4x4 and a 5x5 and I bought more tangles this year and I bought a little metal wire connect puzzle. I’ve been meaning to buy more but I can’t afford them bc I’m unemployed woohoooooooo. Everytime I go to op shops, I immediately go to the kids/ toy section first to look for puzzles because that’s where the gold mine is most of the time.

4. Prepare for the GAMSAT. (YES)

No excuses. I’ve been studying daily since August for the March 2020 sitting. I’ve also been recording a weekly update of my study experience which I’ll collate, edit, and upload when I do get into Medicine because there’s no point in doing a full weekly study vlog if I don’t get in. I’m sparing myself from embarrassment and saving the experience of recapping this adventure when (if?) I do get accepted.

*fingers crossed*

5. Watch more musicals! (NO)

This is sad. I did go to Aladdin and Book of Mormon because I bought those tickets last year but those are the only musicals I saw this year. I couldn’t afford to go see any shows even though I really wanted to. You don’t realise how many times I’ve frequented the Adelaide Theatre Guide website just to browse through any shows that were running. I was going to go see Les Mis, Miss Saigon, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, West Side Story, and so many other shows but I passed because I couldn’t justify the purchase because I didn’t have a steady income. Yeah, I could’ve watched as many shows as I could but also... couldn’t.

6. Travel. (NO)

I’ve decided that travelling sucks and I’d rather be home.

7. Therapy. (NO)

I don’t know why kid myself with this. I can’t afford therapy. BUT! I feel like this gap year from work has helped a lot. I’ve been non-stop working since I arrived in Australia and by the end of last year, I was exhausted. This year off was so relieving because I finally had a chance to breathe. I’m still not the best, mentally, but I’m energised and looking forward to opportunities now whereas last year, I would’ve told you that I will kill myself. I still have not-so-very-nice thoughts and they’re few and far between these days but oooo boi when they’re there, I’m ready to go. I’ll tap out. Not thinking so much helps so maybe we’ll keep trying this next year.

3 - YES

3 - NO

1 - EH????

Not bad. Half and half and one outlier. I honestly thought I’d fail miserably. The ones that got no with, I’m surprisingly not too devastated by.

Moving on to 2020 resolutionsssss.

I’m thinking of this on the fly because I’ve yet to prepare anything.

Maybe we’ll keep it achievable?

1. KEEP YOUR FRICKING NURSING JOB THIS TIME!

I wrote a post earlier this year about losing my grad job. I was conflicted with my feelings. I’ve always hated nursing and I still do. When I got that first job, I was horrified because I knew I didn’t want it because I didn’t want to be a nurse anymore. I’ve mentioned this several times on here about my feelings for this profession and they haven’t changed. If God chose to listen to me this time, he went all out and took away what I hated the most. That was really extra for Him to do but thanks I guess. The thing is, I HAVE to be a nurse now. Not because I want to but because I can’t be unemployed forever while I wait for Medicine to turn out. I’m never going anywhere with just staying at home and feeding off of the limited resources we have as a family. No bullshitting this time. We have to do a good job now. I’m ready.

2. Read. read. read.

I’m putting this in every year. My Reading Challenge goes up by 1 book a year so we’re at 15 books for 2020. I’m worried about this because I have job now so I’m going to be okay if we at least complete it. I won’t be aiming for 20+ next year. It’ll be great but I’ll but myself some slack.

3. Buy a car.

Honeeeeey. We’re putting this on here. Let’s be crazy and put this on here.

I hate driving but also owning a car is another step in independence. I need this. I really do.

4. Pass the GAMSAT.

I’m expecting a lot from myself with this. If I’m being truthful here, I don’t think I’ll pass the March 2020. I hope I do. Flinders Uni consider 50 scores for all sections and I’m holding out on hope that I get the bare minimum. I’m working hard and I hope it goes well.

Optimism is not good for me because I’m setting myself up for disappointment.

I know I won’t get it thought. Is it still optimism if I optimistic about not passing?

Seriously though, I’m willing to take the September test if that’s what it takes. However long it takes Medicine. I will get you.

5. Be acne-free???

I went to the doctor this year. He’s so fucking hot btw. HAHAHAHAHAHAH no srsly he is. He put me on antibiotics which I’m finishing the last round of before I go on to just using spot cream. Then if that goes well, I go back next month and he’s thinking of putting me on Accutane. I’m acne-free with the antibiotics but as all health professionals know, we can’t be on this forever. It’s not good for me goddammit. So I saw Accutane coming. But if he decides to go through with it, I know my face will light up like a Christmas tree before everything gets better. But I have a job now that requires me looking at people and people that have eyes and can see me and can see that my face is cystic for 6-8 weeks (?) before it gets better and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i’m scared.

I just want clear skin boiii. Adult acne sucks.

6. HAVE A HEALTHY BMI.

I’m going through an emotional time as I type this. I’ve been pretty good with food this year. I haven’t weighed myself because I thought that I didn’t need anymore and that I was somewhat satisfied with where I am right now. But now, I’m worried that the thoughts are coming back.

This whole eating problem has been brewing since I was 10 and would show itself by me being terrified of weighing myself or seeing how much I weigh. THIS particular thought is scary to me these days because I know that this is how it presents itself and it’s back. And I feel uneasy and insecure again.

I feel a strong urge to start starving myself again and I thought I was done with this.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

this really sucks man.

This morning I literally put WEIGH SCALE on my fucking to buy list because I was conjuring up scenarios in my head where I’m weighing myself in secret every morning.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

So let’s frame this in a healthier mindset. I want a Healthy BMI. NOT BORDERLINE HEALTHY (which was where I was when I stopped starving myself the last time this happened) BUT ACTUALLY HEALTHY. And not through the lens of insecurity this time.

Please be good to yourself this year.

7. SEE KATYA AND TRIXIE LIVE!!!

Let’s end on a less crazy way.

YOU WILL MEET KATYA AND TRIXIE THIS YEAR AND HUG THEM AND TELL THEM THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND THAT THEY’VE MADE YOU SMILE AND LAUGH AND BE SO FUCKING HAPPY THROUGH ROUGH PATCHES. YOU WILL TELL THEM THIS BECAUSE YOU WILL DEFINITELY MEET THEM. YOU MUST. YOUR FIRST PURCHASE WITH YOUR FIRST PAYSLIP IS THE MEET AND GREET TICKET TO SEE THEM. YOU WILL MEET KATYA AND TRIXIE. I REPEAT. YOU WILL MEET KATYA AND TRIXIE.

Final notes as we put this year to a close.

2019 was a challenge and there were some trying times in there. I spent January waiting to start my job and relaxing as much as I could to prepare myself for it. Come February and all of that went away and I lost my job. We went to Sydney during the same month (which the vlog has yet to be edited). March and April were spent studying for the PTE and I aced that shit. May was sad. June through to July was spent moving houses. August (to present day) was spent fixing the new house and attempting to make it somehow presentable AND MY GAMSAT REVIEW BEGAN. The end of September through to the beginning of October, I did a Hospitality course and met Complex and I found out that I got offered the same job I lost for next year. November was nothing special. And here we are right now. December.

I’m feeling anxious but hopeful and I’m trying not to think about things too much because I get overwhelmed and it leads nowhere.

I just want things to start getting better so that I start feeling okay.

Maybe 2020 will turn out to be that way.

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slipperbeast · 6 years ago

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“So where do you see yourself in five or ten years?” “I don’t : )” And honestly, I don’t see myself being around in 5 to 10 years. I really don’t. I’m amazed that I’ve managed to survive 20 years but have no fucking clue how I’m going to survive another 10. I have a meeting with my guidance consular next Wednesday and I know exactly how it’s going to go. She’s going to tell me I’m not going to be able to transfer to UCI or any of the UCs for the Fall 2020 semester and my dad will find out and I’ll get in trouble and be deemed a failure with no worth.

I’m so sick and tired of having to be something. Why can’t my intrinsic value be enough? Why do I have to decorate myself with all these accomplishments and achievements like some sort of show pony? Isn’t simply being me enough? Or do I only add value to the world if I make something of myself and contribute something to it? I’m tired of trying to make something of myself. Tbh, I don’t want to be anyone; I don’t want to exist. I’m tired of trying appease people who can never be pleased. And I’ll keep telling myself I’ll stop caring what others think, but I have to care when I live with those negative opinions everyday and my success can determine whether or not I have a roof over my head. Parents, please never make your love feel conditional and never make your child afraid to come and talk to you. From an outside view, I had a perfect, privileged childhood. I’m not going to deny that compared to many, I did. Most of my torment has been emotional. The constant pressure to exceed and excel has chipped away at my mental state for the past 20 years. In 5th grade, I cried because my dad shamed me for getting a “Meets Expectations” instead of a “Exceeds Exceptions” on a school project. In 9th grade, I sobbed for an entire day because I had a C in Honors Algebra II and I felt like the world was going to end. That was the start of my anxiety.

And whenever I would try to go to my dad and explain my problems, he would just say I was making excuses or point out more things I’ve been doing wrong. Additionally, I was routinely yelled at for crying. I’ve only been given explicit permission to cry once; when I moved from PA to CA. I’ve grown up feeling like I have to hide any and all mistakes from my dad out of fear of getting in trouble or worse, being hit or having my phone (aka the main way I communicate with my friends) taken away. I am 20 fucking years old and I still have this fear. I honestly have no clue how this man can be so emotionally dense. When I was worried about my grammy dying during back surgery, my dad simply said “this is why you should exercise and eat healthy” and I literally got so pissed my tears turned off like a faucet. In April, I quite literally said “I feel like you guys would be better off without me” as a hint to the fact that I was suicidal and it flew over my dad’s head. He claims to care about me but he doesn’t. All he cares about is my accomplishments and how far I’ll go so I can get into a good school and become a hit game designer so he can retire. But it’s not like he cares about me as an individual or as an actual person with emotions; at the end of the day, it leads back to him and his needs.

This sort of emotional environment completely fucked with my sense of self and my own emotional behavior. I view myself as nonhuman, closer to a demon than anything else. For a long period of time before reconnecting with a friend of mine, I honestly didn’t know what my name was because the name I had chosen for myself no longer felt like it belonged to me. I constantly find myself wondering if people actually like me or if they’re just being nice to me because they feel like they have to be. I’m always watching what I say and how often I talk about myself because I’m so scared other people will find me rude or annoying and leave me. I’m petrified of losing even a single one of my friends, but I know I can’t force them to stay, so I do the best I can to make sure they want to continue to my friend such as being funny and making/buying stuff for them. It was only when I went back to PA this summer to visit with my mom and my siblings did I realize how emotionally closed off and stunted I was. I never had an opinion on anything and when asked personal, emotional questions I would give very noncommittal responses. It concerned my mom so much that she told me “I don’t know how it is with dad, but with us you never have to hide anything. You can always be open with us”. Later, I realized how emotionally closed off I was again when I was talking to some friends and I didn’t want to realize personal details they would have normally shared amongst each other. I try to act happy all the time and like nothing is wrong, but the truth is I use apathy to hide my insecurities and mask that most of the time, I don’t really feel like breathing and it’s starting to take a toll on me. Each and everyday, it’s harder and harder to paint a smile on my face. The only times I truly feel happy are when I’m talking with friends or interacting with one of hyper fixations.

I used to have big dreams for myself. I wanted to bring something to the world, I wanted to be famous. I wanted people to hold me in high-esteem. But these days? I just want to be happy. I want to be happy in a little apartment across from a corner shop living with my two cats [and maybe a dog]. I want to fall in love and have my partner hold me close at night and whisper sweet-nothings into my ear before peppering my body with gentle kisses. That’s a major reason why I started self-insert-shipping; so I could receive the unconditional love (for who I am rather than what I’ve done) I always sought, even if it was all in my head. It still provides a blissful escape and I’m very grateful to all the characters I’ve fallen in love with because they’re one of the few stars I’ve got shining in my sky. If you told me 10 years ago that I would grow up to be a mentally-ill transmasc nonbinary man with emotional trauma and no will to live, I would have called you crazy. But now? It’s just a reality I face every day and it’s beginning to wear pretty thin.

#cactus speaks #vent #long post #tw vent

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clayray3290 · 7 years ago

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Clayray Closeout 2018

Another momentous year has passed, and I am feeling reflective about my tastes and my year, so once again, clayray is closing out the year. Usually I don’t do this, but this year, I traveled a lot, like A LOT a lot, and I made the move across the country to LA, so before I reflect on my media consumption, here is a list of all the places I went to this year:

January - Baltimore for a baby shower February - San Francisco Sonoma for a wine tasting trip with college friends March - New York City to see musicals April - Las Vegas for PBS TechCon Two days after getting back - Sarasota for Roadshow Less then a week after - Tulsa for Roadshow May - San Francisco for CAAMFest Louisville for Roadshow Literally the day after - LA San Diego for Roadshow June - Detroit for Roadshow Toronto with mom Montreal to see Sarah July - Charlotte to meet up with Colleen and Katy Smoky Mountains for a bridal shower New Hampshire for a wedding September - Moved to LA! October - San Francisco for a wedding Boston Newport for a wedding November - Florida for Thanksgiving

Whew! As you can see, August and December were the only months that I didn’t travel, and that was because August was spent preparing for my big move and in December, my family came to me. What with layovers, I was on 33 flights plus 5 significant buses plus several “road trips” with friends/family, too. And some of these trips were so back-to-back that I barely spent any time sleeping in my own bed!

Now, I’m still in a weird period of transition, but soon enough, I will develop a routine and establish a place here. I moved across the country with no job, no apartment, and very few friends, and it was a humongous change to make. But as scary and hard as it can be, I think I have enough faith in myself that it will all work out and I will be okay. And with that, I’m looking forward to 2019!

But meanwhile, continuing to look back:

Music - Artists

La Luz

Joywave

Jesse McCartney

Younha

Saint Motel

30 Seconds to Mars

Betty Who

The Aces

BTS

Infinite

As always, artists that I saw live are a huge presence in this list: La Luz, Saint Motel, 30 Seconds to Mars, and Betty Who, and technically I was walking up to the venue when Joywave was playing (which I am still bitter about, for the record.) Other artists I saw live this year: MisterWives and Walk the Moon opening for 30 Seconds to Mars, Tamia, Duckwrth and Buyepongo at the Made in LA Festival literally my second day in LA, Gymshorts opening for La Luz, Vincent Vallières and Brigitte Boisjoli and Martha Wainwright and Michel Rivard and Klô Pelgag at the Fete in Montreal, Bleachers, Sara Bareilles at MisCast, Dionysia and Bazmati Vice, Gryffin, and I guess technically I saw Pregnant Boy.

I have been in love with Jesse McCartney since I was 11 and he released new music this year, which I adored (which you will soon see in the Top Tracks), so of course he’s that high up. Similarly, Younha released an excellent album this year and I’ve always loved her. I actually didn’t find Infinite’s album particularly thrilling, but I guess I liked it well enough that I wouldn’t skip their songs whenever they came up.

I had actually listened to The Aces before, but this year was when I really got into them. Their album is stellar and I love their sound and their look!

And as for BTS, my mom’s actually a huge fan and there was no escaping their immense worldwide popularity. I remember when they debuted! It’s great to see how they have grown to be the K-Pop group that has “made it” to the States.

This is the first time in a long time that my all-time favorites like Secret and McFly haven’t been in the top. Secret’s disbandment really hurt, even though we all saw it coming, and I’m still not over it.

Odesza didn’t make it up to the very top, but I also listened to them a lot with my boyfriend. :)

Music - Albums

Younha - RescuE

The Aces - When My Heart Felt Volcanic

Infinite - TOP SEED

Hamilton OBCR

Alexz Johnson - A Stranger Time

Dan Masterson - When Reality Calls

La Luz - Floating Features

Janelle Monáe - Dirty Computer

Eric Nam - Honestly

Anastasia OBCR

Unsurprisingly, my top artists are showing up in the top albums. I was surprised to see that the Hamilton OBCR was so high, but then I remembered that I featured it heavily in my 4th of July playlist that I played during my party. I’ve been fond of Alexz Johnson since Instant Star, even though I didn’t actually watch the show, and my friend Schuyler and I had a bit of a phase reminiscing about that era of “teen show” singers like her and also Drake Bell.

Dan Masterson is, full disclosure, a friend of mine from college, but his album is really excellent, and you should check it out if you’re interested in piano-based singer-songwriter tunes!

What is there to say about Janelle Monáe except that she is a beacon of brilliance, and we are lucky just to be able to witness it.

The other musical on this list is Anastasia, which is one of the musicals I saw this year. I saw it on Derek Klena’s last evening performance, which is actually one of two times that I saw him. I also saw him in Jagged Little Pill at the A.R.T (he is not the best part of that show, though, Lauren Patten’s “You Oughta Know” is hands down unequivocally the showstopper). The other musicals I saw this year were Allegiance, Hello! Dolly, and I saw the Genies’ Jukebox. Not a musical, but I also saw the off-Broadway show Puffs, which was hysterical.

I’m not sure why I didn’t pay attention as much, but Death Cab’s album this year is pretty great. I didn’t love the Arctic Monkeys’ album as much as I wanted to, though they actually just missed being in my Top Artists by 10 listens. Robyn’s album this year was also pretty stellar, but it was released pretty late in the year.

Movies

As always, subjective ranking and not numbers-based.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor? Okay, biased, what with my children’s media thing and PBS thing. Tbh I don’t even like documentaries that much, but this one. I wept. And we really needed this film right now.

Blindspotting I saw this at the Independent Film Festival Boston, with a Q&A with Daveed Diggs and Rafael Casal afterwards, and just wow. This is an incredible tour de force. Brilliantly crafted and visceral and hilarious, too. I know a bunch of people were drawn to it because of Daveed Diggs and his Hamilton fame, but genuinely, he and Rafael Casal’s passion for this film and overwhelming talent shine through in this.

Searching Look, I love love loved Crazy Rich Asians and Asian August and Asian-American women bringing back the rom com. As an Asian-American woman, I have been waiting for so long for this to happen. But I picked Searching because as a film, Searching takes the screen footage tactic, heretofore only really used in horror films, and capitalizes on it to such amazing dramatic and emotional effect. John Cho is fantastic, of course in this very tense and very stressful film.

Black Panther I cannot believe it hasn’t even been a year since Black Panther. Can we start using the term BBP and ABP for Before and After Black Panther? I saw somewhere that Letitia Wright is the biggest box office star of the year, which is fabulous because she is fabulous (and a Disney princess!). The world-building is amazing, the action is amazing, the eye candy is amazing (Helloooooo Michael B. Jordan and Chadwick Boseman and Danai Gurira and Lupita Nyong’o and...you get the point).

Ralph Breaks the Internet I spent a lot of this film marveling at how only Disney could have pulled this off, this massive ambitious bringing together of so many brands and characters and, y’know, the internet. I also enjoy that this is not a romantic love story, and it is a story about love in other ways. Loving your friends and caring for them and respecting them is so important, and dealing with insecurity is as well. This is such a smart movie, and as somebody who cares about children’s media, that is the standard to which we should aspire.

Honorable Mentions: A Quiet Place (Though of the horror films this year, Hereditary and Annihilation were also very good), Madeline’s Madeline for Helena Howard’s performance, I Tonya because um duh figure skating but does not make the list because trying to pass off Margot Robbie as teenage was laughable, Three Identical Strangers

Movies I Want to See But Haven’t Yet: Eighth Grade, Sorry to Bother You, Support the Girls, Widows, Creed II, The Hate U Give, Halloween, Burning, RBG, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, Dumplin’ (My roomie’s in it!)

Movies I Should See But Haven’t Brought Myself To Care About: A Star is Born, Mission Impossible: Fallout, Mary Poppins Returns, Green Book, Love Simon, Paddington 2

2020.12.02 EDIT: I was wrong about Paddington 2. It is an incredible film.

Television

Sharp Objects I’ve read the book (and own it somewhere...) but it had been a while, so Sharp Objects did what a good mystery does - even upon a revisit, the things you don’t remember are tantalizing and the discovery of new clues and revelations keep shifting your perspective and giving it a jolt each time. Amy Adams is phenomenal in this (as she always is) and Eliza Scanlen as Amma gives a piercing performance in this.

Queer Eye All of the remakes happening incessantly is tiring and also eyeroll-inducing (it’s cliche but honestly, where are the original ideas nowadays?), but then we get something like Queer Eye. Reality TV gets a hard rap, but with Queer Eye, you get the entertainment factor and also incredibly moving emotional heft as well. Also, I genuinely wonder at how Bobby gets all that house remodeling done and he doesn’t get enough credit for it!

The Haunting of Hill House I love the Shirley Jackson story and also the original movie (I have not watched the 90′s movie and I don’t think I ever will), so my only real gripe with this show is that I wish they didn’t call it The Haunting of Hill House because it really isn’t. But what it is, is a brilliant family drama launching off of the Hill House story. It is captivating and beautiful and spooky, and also the casting of the young kids is impeccable.

Nailed It! Sometimes you just need to guffaw over people’s ridiculous failures. This show doesn’t take itself too seriously and because it embraces the silly, it’s full of heart and joy.

Élite I love foreign teen dramas. I love murder...in my television/movies. Of course I was gonna love this show. But just because it has these two elements doesn’t mean that I automatically was going to think it’s a great show (It does probably mean I would automatically enjoy it, but that’s different). Both of these genres are rife with tropes, but this show takes them and executes them in such a way that it rings true and doesn’t distract from your enjoyment.

Honorable Mention: Memories of the Alhambra only because it’s still ongoing! It’s a brilliant way of looking at technology and combining it with all the elements of a K-drama that you could want. It’s kinda like if a good episode of Black Mirror (because goodness knows that quality varies) combined with a K-drama.

Also of mention are some excellent series that continued this year. I can’t believe I didn’t watch them when they first came out, but The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and Big Mouth are both so so good. Though I have strong feelings about the second season of Maisel and think the Paris bit was just an awkward flex and should have been cut, and the Catskills could have been an entire series of its own. Also, I actually saw Nick Kroll do some readings of all the characters in Big Mouth at the Vulture Festival this year!

In addition to the show-watches-from-the-beginning that I am still working through (Parks and Rec, The Wire, Gilmore Girls, Mad Men, etc.) I’ve also started watching Ugly Betty and Strong Woman Do Bong Soon from the beginning.

There are a few new shows from this year that I really have been wanting to watch but haven’t yet: Killing Eve, Kidding, Homecoming. Mostly Killing Eve for Queen Sandra Oh and also the girl from MMFD!

Okay, whew! That’s enough of that. Where do I even find the time to watch all this stuff??

#Clayray Closeout

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get-a-new-lease-on-life · 7 years ago

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A New Lease on Life - #51

51: Secrets, Solutions, Certainty

Hey, Y'all! Long time, no see...again...ahem. Updates have been slowing down for a while and I'm incredibly sorry for it; it just seems like it's going to be going a while longer no matter how irritating it is. TBH, lately Real Life has been about 97% in the crapper and the remaining 3% has been spent hiding from the Flying Crap Fairy because sh*t's STILL hitting the fan. Oy. Seriously, we really need some Flying Crap Fairy repellent because we're apparently good targets. :\ Anyway, I won't bore y'all with details on this latest disaster, but Cold and I are both very lucky to even be alive right now, along with several of our closest neighbors. We came very farking close to NOT being alive anymore recently and, although Cold's shrugged it off with his usual attitude, I've been an absolute mess of nerves. I just haven't had either time or drive to sit down and write lately but hopefully things will ease up soon. (If for some weird reason you want a better explanation, no worries, just PM me on FFnet or one of my usual accounts and I'll fill ya in, no worries. Misery loves company, but Anxiety's even clingier...and no, I do not plan on including this scare in a Blocked installment.)

Anyhoo, a word of warning: this story has, from the start, been an awkward mishmash of the Bay movies universe and a few other 'verses, but as of this chapter, that mish-mash becomes heavier with 'other -verse' than previously. Specifically, we're going to be seeing a lot from the '03 series, but you don't need a good understanding of that series to follow the plot. Not everything's going to be exactly as per that canon because I'm altering some things to better fit the Bay-verse canon. Either way, I hope you'll enjoy, and hope to hear from y'all soon!

Suggested Listening: The Goo Goo Dolls "Iris," Red "Best is Yet to Come," Ashes Remain "On My Own"

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51: Secrets, Solutions, Certainty

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November 10th, afternoon

Somewhere along the line, Donatello miscalculated; where or when that miscalculation was, he had no earthly idea. All he knew for certain was this: against all odds, the most unlikely of sources brought answers to the conundrum of Amber's strange dreams of home. How this happened, the genius still wasn't sure—his head was still spinning from the unexpected admission from his father and sensei and that was hours ago.

"This…this makes no sense," Donnie muttered digging his fingertips into the bridge of his snout as though warding off a headache. "Amber's having prophetic dreams of her home world…because you saw her past?"

"That's the best explanation I can find," Splinter sighed. "Ordinarily, there should be no lasting effects, harmful or otherwise. Because she is from another reality than our own, the shared meditation technique I used may have inadvertently opened a psychic door to the world she left behind—a door she regrettably is unable to close under her own volition."

"This is insane." Donnie scoffed, his hands dropping to dangle off of his knees. At the time, he was too focused on getting answers to ask how his father could get those answers. Now… "Where did you even hear about that technique, anyway?" he asked. "It's not in any of your books about the martial arts—I checked. Where did you learn about it?"

Splinter hesitated, dark eyes focused somewhere beyond the cup of tea steaming on his low table. Perhaps…yes, the time was now. "Gather your brothers," he told Donnie calmly, "and the two young ladies as well. I hoped to put this off a little longer, but it appears the time has come."

Splinter's life began as a simple lab rat—his future should have been set in stone. Instead, he was freed, mutated, and left to fend for the four young turtles who endured the same testing he did. Every new parent faces struggles, but most will have some semblance of assistance, somewhere to turn when they needed help or advice. Splinter had no such thing…at least not to start with. That eventual assistance, while gravely needed, was something he was never sure how to explain to his boys. Now, he had no choice but to explain and hope they could understand his reasons for keeping it secret.

"You all know my training in Ninjitsu began with the discovery of a book," the aged rat related to the four mutants and two humans crowded around his bedroom. "There is, however, more to the story that I have not told you." As he spoke, he collected the book in question from his shelves and opened it to the very first page, where a cryptic inscription was scribbled in roughly-scrawled Japanese. "The book only provided the barest of essentials in ninjitsu training—one cannot learn something as complex as a martial arts discipline through the written word alone. This inscription contains coded instructions…directions on how to open a portal to another realm commonly called the Battle Nexus."

"The what now?" Leonardo shook his head in denial. "You—" Splinter shot him a stern glance, and he fell silent again.

"The Battle Nexus is a world meant to be accessed by those studying the ancient martial arts," Splinter continued seriously. "The book revealed the basics central to most martial arts disciplines then decoding the inscription therein revealed the Nexus to me. It was in that other realm that I met a powerful master of Ninjitsu—a man by the name of Hamato Yoshi—and studied under him in hopes of keeping you four safe."

"You studied under a master?" Leo repeated in disbelief. "How have we never met him? Until we met April, we were the only ones who ever found the Lair—how were you able to keep such an important visitor secret from us?"

"Master Yoshi never came to our world," Splinter explained. "I always went to his world for training—the moment you boys fell asleep, I left for an hour or two of training…" Here, he shot Michelangelo a stern frown.

"Oh, this is my part!" Mikey grinned excitedly. "Can I tell'em now? Please? Pleasepleaseplease?" Splinter rolled his eyes.

"Tell us what?" Raphael demanded.

"When we were still kids, I caught Sensei sneakin' out once," Mikey explained without once losing his grin. "I woke up to pee and when I came back to bed, I saw him walking through a glowy hole in the wall and followed him. If I told anyone, he would'a put me in the Hashi. You're lookin' at the youngest Battle Nexus Champion ever, Bruhs! OW!" After Splinter's timely brain-duster, Raph and Donnie exchanged a bewildered glance, struggling to comprehend what they were hearing. Last year, they never would have believed Mikey capable of keeping secrets to save his life, but now they had undeniable proof that he could keep them. The Hardy cousins were a sizable secret alone, but interdimensional travel and their father training with a ninja master from another world? That was pushing it.

"I always intended to tell you, my sons, when you became older," Splinter admitted with a sigh. "I just never could find a way to start that conversation…by the time you were old enough to understand, my Master Yoshi was gone, passed away, and I'd become a master myself."

"This…this is a lot to take in," Leo admitted scratching his head. "It's hard to believe you managed to keep this a secret from us so long."

"My son," Splinter asked with deceptive innocence, "which is more unbelievable: that a grumpy old rat has a few secrets left, or that he could learn everything about Ninjitsu from a book?"

Later that afternoon, everything was settled and a plan was developed, and Donatello was diligently studying the steps to opening an interdimensional portal. While he worked out his end, Amber took care of her own. Almost a year after leaving her world behind, that night, she would be going home… Why did that realization frighten her so much? For the moment, she had no answers.

"Amber?" The greeting startled the brunette from her thoughts and she turned to acknowledge the genius hovering in the kitchen doorway. "What did I miss?" She gave a sheepish smile, tugging nervously at one of the many grey locks streaking her hair—those grey locks were now hidden, disguised with bright blue and soft violet dye courtesy of Mercy's handiwork and Kimber's drink mix stash.

"I'm dead in that world," Amber reminded Donnie as he poured himself a cup of stale coffee and invited himself to the table with her. "That me looked pretty different from how I do now but the resemblance is strong enough people might panic. I need'a avoid notice while we're there, an' the easiest way to be ignored is to look like I don't belong."

"That makes absolutely no sense," Donnie remarked dubiously. "If you stand out, wouldn't you be more noticeable?"

"Not in small towns," Amber shrugged, still absently toying with the stray lock of grape violet hair. "I didn't fit in, remember? Because I didn't fit in, I was mostly ignored until Mum set her church cronies on me. If I look like I'm just another glaikit toonser,~ the locals'll trip over'emselves to ignore me~…it's safer bein' outlandish than ordinary when hidin' in a small town." Donnie tore his eyes away from the violet streaking her hair, a faint blush blooming in his cheeks. He wasn't crazy about the raspberry blue streaks, but she wore his color well…yes, purple looked very nice on his Amber.

"If you think it'll work," he sighed turning to stare down into his coffee, "then I'll trust you. You're used to the small town mentality whereas I've never been out of New York state for long." Silence filled the kitchen—cold, uncomfortable silence full of electricity and fear—until one of them was again driven to fill it.

"I'm…afraid." Amber's admission caught the genius off-guard.

"Master says the portal technique is safe, Honey," he reminded gently. "He's taught me everything he can, I'll be bringing notes just in case, and if we're not back in a week, he'll come for us himself. There's no need to be afraid."

"I'm not worried about the portal malfunctioning," she admitted with an embarrassed cringe. "I…" She faltered, took a steadying breath, then soldiered on ahead. "You don't know what I was like in my last life, Dee," she explained nervously. "You know hardly anything about that me, not even what I looked like…an' I'm not foolish enough to assume you'll make it the entire trip without ever catching a glimpse of that me in some bog-awful photo or something. I'm just not lookin' forward to that happening."

"Does it really matter?" His words were blunt but his eyes softened the blow. "It's not the body that matters, remember? The soul in that body is what's important. I highly doubt your previous appearance could have any negative effect on my affection for you." Amber stared him down over her glasses, seemingly searching for any sign he was bluffing.

"Five-foot-three in shoes," she listed off in a deadpan tone. "Over two hundred pounds. Half-crippled at thirty-five an' on the far side of awkward. Constantly slouching because of fused vertebrae. Always tired. Frequently bitching even in a good mood. My hair was almost entirely grey an' startin' to thin an' my ass was big enough to prop a lamp on. Shall I continue?"

"If you wish," he shrugged. "It makes no difference to me—you've already told me most of this and it doesn't bother me." She finally broke eye contact, her eyes sad.

"There's more, though," she admitted softly. "I told you about Aaron…I told you there was no burn there…but it wasn't always like that." Though the admission worried him at first, Donnie patiently waited for her to fill in the blanks. "Mercy an' I met Aaron when we were in grade school, but we didn't really become friends until high school. I had a massive crush on him for years but never got any sign he felt the same an' eventually let it die out."

Unbidden, her memory reminded her of the day she and Aaron found her home destroyed—reminded her of the frantic way he clung to her as the skies broke open overhead. "The day we came back to find Willsdale in ruins, he kissed me...I thought he was just tryin' to calm me down, but Mercy…" She choked up, shaking her head bitterly. "What Mercy told me today suggests otherwise. If we somehow manage to make it there before he's done'imself harm, I can't guarantee how he'll react to seein' me."

Donatello considered her posture silently a moment, thinking over her confession. "You told me you love him," he reminded solemnly, "as a friend, not as a lover."

"That's correct—he's practically my brother."

"Then you're not worried about how you'll react to seeing him, only that I'll get jealous if he gets too close?" She winced.

"You know, when ya put it like that, it sounds ridiculous," she admitted under her breath.

"That's because it is ridiculous," he teased saluting her with his mug. "Real men don't mind other men coveting their lovers, only their lovers coveting other men."* Amber laughed and gave him a cheeky smile.

"Someone's been readin' Jane Austen, huh?" she teased. "An' here I thought you were more 1984 than Northanger Abbey." Her smile faded somewhat and she turned back to her tea. "I'll be honest with ya, Speccy…I don't see this goin' well. I'm dead in that world—we can't just expect that I'll be able to go back without any repercussions, even for a short time." Donnie studied her silently—from her brightly dyed hair to the faded traces of ink visible peeking up over her modest neckline—intent on burning the moment in his memory.

"You're worried about your loved ones," he reminded gently, "and until you know they're safe, you'll keep worrying about them until it breaks you." She nodded weakly. "I refuse to watch that happen, Amber, not when I can do something to prevent it." He reached out, clasping a supportive hand on her shoulder, and she looked up to meet his eyes over her glasses. "I won't let anything happen to you," the genius swore tucking a raspberry blue lock behind her ear. "Did you call the pizza parlor?" She blinked at him in confusion, but a moment later caught up.

"Yeah," she mumbled back. "I got a week unpaid to take care of my 'family emergency' but they're cuttin' my hours for the rest of the month over it…an' if I'm not there early on my first day back I'm fired. Never thought I'd say it, but my boss is even more of a dobber~ than my Da." She shrugged, torn between a smile and a cringe. "We shouldn't need a whole week—shouldn't even need more'n a few days—but I packed extra just in case." A frustrated sigh in the doorway drew the couple's attention—Mercy hesitated on the threshold, visibly torn. "What's wrong, Merse?" Amber asked the blonde. Mercy fidgeted, mussed her hair, then soldiered forward.

"I'm not goin' with ya." Donnie blinked in surprise.

"We didn't expect ya to," Amber answered her friend slowly. "If—"

"Good," Mercy cut her off brusquely, "as long as we're clear on that. That world's got nothin' left fer me, an' I ain't goin' back." Amber and Donnie exchanged a confused glance, both hoping the other had answers and both disappointed to find they didn't. Recognizing their confusion, Mercy rolled her eyes and stalked over to the fridge to pour herself a glass of iced tea. "Asshat's sulking," she grumbled fishing out a tall glass. "He thinks I'm goin' back an' won't listen when I tell'im I ain't. If y'all have everythin' together, please just get goin' before he demands to go with." Donnie couldn't quite stifle the snort of laughter that burst up his throat, and it earned him a sharp glare from the blonde. "Git."~

"Well," Amber chuckled nervously pushing herself back from the table. "You heard the lady…guess it's time to get a move on, huh? Mind grabbin' the bags?" With a quick peck on the cheek, Donnie ducked out to collect the packed duffle bag and carry-on from his room, leaving Amber and Mercy alone in the kitchen. "I understand yer reasons for not wantin' to go," Amber said softly, "an' I respect them. Is there anythin' you want us to do fer ya while we're there? Anyone ya want checked on?" Mercy avoided her eyes.

"You know the answer to that," the blonde muttered dropping into Donnie's vacated chair. "The only people I ever really had any interaction with were you an' yer family, Aaron, an' my family…an' all that's left of my family's Ma. Anythin' material we were able to save from the ranch is gonna be with her, too, an' I ain't sendin' ya after anything. Better that ya don't have to deal with her."

"Mercy." The blonde looked up, blue eyes wide and nervous, and registered her friend's tired eyes. "It's alright to wonder…it's alright to wanna know she's safe, even after everything she did to you." Mercy grimaced, staring through the table before her.

"That obvious, huh?" she asked with a bitter sneer.

"Only to me," the brunette admitted settling back in her own chair. "I know you too well to not notice, Hon…an' I understand."

Mercy thought hard over her friend's words, distractedly reaching up for the beaded chain around her neck; just as the night Raphael's temper sent her fleeing to the park, she fiddled with the foiled sobriety chip dangling from it. It wasn't the same chip she wore when she and Donatello finally broke down and talked one-to-one—after all, she was well beyond her fourth month sober now, coming up on her ninth. Clarity Ross never even made it nine days without a drink… Denim blue eyes darted down to the metallic red chip in her grasp, contemplating it silently. Her mind made up, she twisted the chip free of the flimsy jump ring it hung from and tossed it to Amber.

"Ma had Ellis buried in the family plot," the blonde stated seriously. "He'd want to know I'm alright…please leave that for'im?" Amber visibly hesitated. "I'll be gettin' another one soon, anyway…I'm nine months sober next Friday." Mercy's lips quirked up in a humorless smile. "If you wanna check on Ma while you're there, I won't argue."

"Are you ready to go?" Donnie's voice in the doorway startled the two women, and, realizing he interrupted them, he gave them a sheepish smile.

"Yeah," Amber answered, then accepted the red foiled chip from Mercy and wrapped her in a tight hug. "I'll get this to'im…'til we're back, I'm countin' on you to keep everyone in line, a'right?" Mercy smirked and gave her friend a confident nod.

The odd family gathered in the hallway to the repurposed Barracks to bid their farewells; only Raphael was absent from the send-off, and Mercy was sure this was no coincidence. Armed with chalk and detailed notes, Donatello carefully scribbled the ceremonial seals on the concrete wall before him, all the while muttering a quickly memorized chant. With the last stroke and the final word, the pasty white lines began glowing with a bright unearthly light then vanished entirely…along with the concrete. A pitch black void yawned before them, not even a speck of light to be seen. He turned to Amber, swallowing down his nerves. "This part's your job," he explained quietly.

"What?" Amber squeaked in surprise, her eyes shooting over to meet Splinter's.

"Ordinarily," the older mutant explained patiently, "this ceremony would open a door directly to the Battle Nexus, but the destination can be altered through focused intent." The brunette turned to Donnie in confusion but he had no answers, so she turned back to Splinter. "Visualize the place you wish to arrive in," Splinter explained with a slight frown. "In your mind's eye, contemplate a location where your arrival will be both safe and unseen, in as much detail as possible." Amber glanced over at Mercy.

"What about the ruins between Aaron's house and your step-dahd's Ranch?" the brunette asked the blonde curiously. "Were they still standin' after the storms?" Mercy nodded in agreement, and Amber turned back to Donnie. "The ruins then—the area's been abandoned since the cabin there burned down—ya never even find any graffiti there, kids're always too scared'a the rumors." With every word, a tiny pinprick of light in the void grew larger and brighter, 'til it seemed like a light at the end of a tunnel. "That's not creepy at all," Amber mumbled edging closer to Donnie.

"Be safe, you two," Leo urged quietly. Donnie and Amber bid their final goodbyes, both worried what they'd find on the other side. With a shared steadying breath, they stepped into the void, following the light to a world apart from their own.

Mercy watched solemnly until their backs vanished into the void, then even longer until the portal in the wall faded back into stained concrete. Long after the others were gone, she still stood there in the hallway, hoping, wondering, and dreading all at once. She couldn't shake the feeling that something was about to go horribly wrong—something about the whole plan to send Amber home to check on their loved ones sent chills down her spine. Eyes focused somewhere beyond the stained concrete wall, she watched, waited, and worried.

Screw this…driving herself up the wall would accomplish nothing. Struggling to clear her mind, the blonde ducked into the barracks to retrieve her boots and a jacket, then stalked out the side door. There was always something to be done in the garden, after all, and not much could clear her mind like yardwork.

In the open doorway to the massive green space the family created from the abandoned Railyard, Mercy paused, eyes locked on a familiar shape crouching beside a bed of freshly transplanted peppers. Raphael…he hadn't heard her, hadn't seen her, and for all intents and purposes, seemed too lost in his own brooding to register her presence. For a moment, she took advantage of her unintentional invisibility—seized it as an opportunity to soak in the sight of him and contemplate her strange and wondrous reactions to seeing him.

Warmth blooming in her stomach—downy fuzz filling her subconscious—sweat-slicked palms and a fluttering pulse—no other man ever drove her so out of her mind that she lost herself at the mere sight of him. Never before had the mere scent of a man's sweat driven her to distraction. Never before had she craved the touch and taste of another the way she craved Raphael. A lifetime ago, she would have let him go, would never have taken a chance on anyone for fear of proving her mother right. In this lifetime, she knew better…in this lifetime she had Raphael and she knew he'd never allow her to be hurt again, not while he still breathed. How did she get so lucky? Over four months had passed since Raphael opened his heart enough to let her in, but still, she didn't have an answer to that question.

Heaven, help me to surrender, she thought silently, eyes locked on the mutant who decided to be a better man for her. Show me mercy an' I'll never ask fer anythin' again.** Before she fell further into reflection, she broke herself loose, grabbed the handles of the rolling mulch bin, and strode confidently toward the mutant ruminating over her peppers. By the time she sank to her knees in the dirt and commenced shoveling out wood chips for the jalapenos, Raph was watching her in mute confusion. She didn't acknowledge him or greet him—when he was ready to talk, he'd do so without her prompting. Sure enough, he soon broke the tense silence.

"When's Donnie an' Amber leavin'?" he asked in a low rumble. Mercy shrugged, methodically heaping mulch around the first plant.

"Ya missed'em," the blonde answered, visibly untroubled. "They're gone—been so about twenty minutes now, I reckon." As she dipped back in for more mulch, Raph studied her seriously, combing through her words for anything that might have been lost in translation. He found nothing…even so, it didn't comfort him any.

"Ya didn't go with'em," the mutant confirmed aloud. "They're goin' back to yer homeworld an' ya didn't go with'em." Denim blue eyes rolled and Mercy shook her head with a long-suffering sigh.

"I told'ja I wasn't goin' with'em," she reminded dryly, but her unaffected expression pinched into a vicious scowl. The plant she was working with had some mild bug damage, from the looks of it, some sort of beetle. "Boris, yer lettin' me down," she grumbled snipping off the damaged foliage. "Start earnin' yer keep or I'm'onna take a can'a Raid after ya, mark my words."~ The massive mutant beside her cringed, well-remembering the huge, hairy wolf spider Mercy named Boris and released into the garden. How he managed to stack up enough bad karma to wind up with a spider-loving woman when he himself fea—er, hated bugs was quite beyond him.

"I don't get it." The grumbled words drew her eyes to his in bemusement. "Dat world's yer home—yer a country gal, Merse, but yer stayin here, in da city…why?" He shook his head with a scoff, quickly riling himself up for a fight. "Ya should'a gone with'em! Ya don't belong here, Kid, ya—" With lightning-fast reflexes, Mercy snatched the trowel out of the mulch bin and whacked him on the shin with it, eliciting a startled shout; the pained bellow was quickly followed by a snarl and scowl as the indignant mutant clutched his stinging shin.

"I told'ja I'm stayin'," she reminded shaking the trowel at him like a scolding finger. "I ain't changin' my mind, not fer all the cows in the world. This's my home now—yer my home now, ya meathead!" Rolling her eyes, she turned back to her task. "Quit tryin'a chase me off before I give ya a reason to want me gone." Raphael stared at her, half stunned, half confused, and entirely speechless; Mercy paid him no mind, instead, falling to grumbling at him under her breath. "I also told'ja they're jus' goin' back to make sure no one's offed'emselves but did'ja listen?~ No, no one ever listens to Mercy!" After a few more grumbled complaints, Raph finally worked up the courage to interrupt.

"Yer sure, Merse?" he asked, hazel eyes sweeping from the frayed knees of her jeans to her messy blonde hair and over every inch between them. "Ya gotta chance to live in da country again—ya could get out'a da city." He shook his head, sinking to his backside on the dirt-strewn concrete and reaching up to dig his fingers into his stiff neck. "If ya stay here, in da city…Babe, I can't give ya everythin' ya deserve, not when we're stuck livin' in da sewers an' subways."

"What exactly is it ya think I deserve?" the blonde demanded, pinning him with her eyes. "Safety? Security? Happiness, love, a reason fer tryin'?"

"All'a dat!" Raph answered flinging one arm wide in exasperation. "All'a dat an'—"~ She cut him off again.

"Ya a'ready gimme all'a that, Raphael,"~ Mercy insisted soberly. "I feel safe with ya—I feel secure in yer home. Ya make me happier'n~ I've ever been, ya gimme a reason to keep tryin' an' keep fightin'…" A faint hint of pink darkened her cheeks and an uncomfortable cringe twisted her naked lips. "As fer love…I love ya, ya love me, an' that's more'n~ I ever thought I'd have. Maybe ya can't gimme cows an' country air more'n once in a while, but yer worth it, ten times over."

Muddy brown darkened the pale skin around his muzzle but he wore a wide, lopsided smirk. Crossing his legs he patted one bulky thigh and when she accepted the invitation his smirk spread into a grin. The peppers, the cows, and the other world were all but forgotten as the two lovers clashed, first at the hips, then at the lips, neither content with being apart.

"I love ya, Raphie," Mercy repeated softly into the crook of his neck, smiling at how his pulse thundered against her lips. "Ain't nothin' gonna change that. Quit waitin' fer me to run off, okay?" A contemplative rumble of acceptance vibrated against her shoulder.

"A'right," Raph accepted soberly, carding his thick fingers through her mussed hair. "I still think ya should go home for a lil' while at least, anyway," he admitted. "Ya got family an' friends dere…it might do ya good ta go back fer a visit, you know, get some closure 'er whateva it is Donnie was talkin' 'bout earlier."

"No." The denial was surprisingly vehement, and he eased her away to study her expression for answers.

"No?" he asked.

"Make that a fuck no," she corrected sourly. "Amber's checkin' on Willis, Raph, an' other'n Willis, the only other person I ever cared about in that world was my Ma…an' there's no way in Hell I'm goin' back to'er again!" The massive mutant said nothing, but Mercy felt that nothing was a rather infuriating way of saying something. "I made that mistake too many times a'ready—I died determined to never go back to'er again!" She winced, reaching up to clutch the ever-present sobriety chip from her necklace, only to recall its absence and let her hand fall uselessly over her knee. "I've finally got the balls to live my own life, Red," she summed up with a weak shrug. "If I go back to'er anyway, I'll have died fer nothin'…an' I can't take that."

Raph considered her words a silent moment, gently petting her messy hair. "I find it hard ta believe ya eva' lacked balls, Kid," he remarked without emphasis. "I gotta feelin' ya had plenty'a will ta fight, jus' like now, but'cha just didn't find nothin' worth fightin' fer."~ A rough, callused fingertip curled under Mercy's pointed chin, urging her to meet the amber eyes a little above hers. "Yer worth fightin' fer," Raph swore leaning down to rest his brow on hers and hold her eyes. "It ain't gotta happen anytime soon, an' ya won't go alone, but someday, ya really need'a face'er again, just ta prove yer stronger'n she is…yer not alone, Sweetheart…ya'll neva be alone again as long's I'm breathin'."

Touched, choking up, Mercy stole his lips in a hungry, wanton kiss, leaning into the scarred palms cupping her jaw and the small of her back. Even as she let her feelings sweep her away and threw herself headlong into the wonder that was Raphael's softer side, she struggled against silent doubt. She'd rather walk barefoot through the hottest depths of Hell than ever see her mother again, but even now, she was held back by the years of abuse she suffered at Clarity's hands. If she never faced Clarity again, never confronted her demons, how could she ever move beyond her fears of intimacy and shame? More so, if she were to face Clarity again, would she emerge stronger than before, or would it entirely break her?

The salty-sweet lips against hers had no answers, and neither did she, but for the moment, she was totally fine with that.

WORDS

~ A "glaikit toonser" – Scottish slang, glaikit– stupid and toonser – someone from the city. (Compare to cliché 'city-slicker' or Southern 'dumbass Yank.') ~ "the locals'll trip over'emselves to ignore me." – 'The local population will do everything in their power to pretend I don't exist, even if it means making asses of themselves.' Not speaking for EVERY small town, but my experience with small towns has taught me the easiest way to be ignored and left alone is to act like an oblivious tourist. This is ESPECIALLY effective in Cold's hometown—all it takes is being surprised by chickens in the road to render you 'a dumbass Yank' to the local populace, who will then avoid you like the plague. ~ Dobber – Scottish slang for fool, stupid person, or dickhead. She's using the latter definition. ~ Git – Midwestern and Southern slang verb, not Brit-slang insult. When used in a sentence it's just an awkward pronunciation of 'get' [pronounced exactly as written] but when it's used on its own, like in this passage, it's an emphatic insistence that someone leave. Pronounced Gyit or GEE-it with the GEE (Soft g as in gift) shortened and bleeding into the less-emphasized –it. The 't' is usually insinuated rather than enunciated, especially in the Midwest. ~ Boris, yer lettin' me down—Start earnin' yer keep or I'm'onna take a can'a Raid after ya, mark my words. – Boris, you're letting me down—Start eating the bugs or I'll spray you with Raid, (bug killer) just you watch me! (Recall that "Boris the Spider" was named for a song by the same name, by, I believe, The Who.) ~ I also told'ja they're jus' goin' back to make sure no one's offed'emselves~ but did'ja listen? – 'I also told you they're just going back (to Amber and Mercy's world) to make sure no one has killed themselves, but did you listen?' This is a direct reference to Amber's dream of Aaron contemplating drowning himself in 'Wilson's Crick.' ~ All'a dat – all'a dat an' [more] – all of that – all of that and more. ~ Ya a'ready gimme all'a that. – You already give me all of that. ~ Happier'n / more'n / other'n – Happier than / more than / other than. All are Midwestern/Southern-isms. First is pronounced like adding urn to happy, the second and third sound somewhat like MORE-un and UTHER-in. ~ I find it hard ta believe ya eva' lacked balls. – I find it hard to believe you ever lacked [the] balls [to do something.] ~ I gotta feelin' ya had plenty'a will ta fight, jus' like now, but'cha just didn't find nothin' worth fightin' fer. Yer worth fightin' fer. – I've got a feeling you had plenty of will to fight, just like now, but you just couldn't find anything worth fighting for. You're worth fighting for. ~ It ain't gotta happen anytime soon, an' ya won't go alone, but someday, ya really need'a face'er again, just ta prove yer stronger'n she is. – It doesn't have to happen anytime soon, and you won't go there alone, but someday, you really need to face your mother again just to prove you're stronger than she is. ~ Yer not alone, Sweetheart…ya'll neva be alone again as long's I'm breathin'. – You're not alone, Sweetheart…you'll never be alone again as long as I'm breathing. [Alive] Verdict: Raph has a mushy side but it takes some digging to reach it. :3

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