#mostly notes to self here
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savage-rhi · 9 months ago
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Fuchsia 😂
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stil-lindigo · 3 months ago
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the vulture.
a comic about cycles.
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creative notes:
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all my other comics
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basket-of-radiants · 23 days ago
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Why were you so disappointed by Rhythm of War?
This has been sitting in my askbox for years. I've taken several cracks at answering, only to get frustrated with the subject matter and burn myself out every time. I didn't like Rhythm of War. More than that, I didn't like it in a way that tainted my enjoyment of the entire series. And despite what it may seem, I don't actually enjoy discussing things which I don't like. I always want to talk from a place of good faith. Which is why now that my feelings towards the series are a little more positive, I think I can finally answer this.
I'm going to try to stay away from specific plotpoints and story beats for this post, because my goal isn't to nitpick (if for no other reason than it would take a week to write this post), I'm just looking to talk about my overall impressions. I think that might mean the only spoilers here will be structural? idk, if you haven't read Rhythm of War yourself then you should probably do that before looking for other people's opinions anyway. 
I liked Way of Kings when I first read it. I didn't love it at the time, but I liked it. Certainly enough to keep reading once I'd finished. One thing that made me a bit uncomfy, however, was the war against the Parshendi. They were this unknowable enemy which the book was not interested in knowing. An inhuman army. Their main purpose was to kill Kaladin's friends, or else be killed by Dalinar's armies. And yet the Parshendi, and the parshmen in the form of Shen, did show hints of personhood. And so it bothered me how Dalinar spoke so casually about how the Alethi had decimated their numbers, how the others used the war as a means to amass wealth and power. (It didn't bother me in a "this is a bad book" way but in a "these characters are bad people" way.)
One of my foibles as a reader is that when a book is very clearly treating one side of a conflict with more humanity, I tend to be a bit predisposed towards the other to account for that. And with the Alethi clearly being the invading party and superior military force, there was also some underdog favoritism. I didn't really like how the book treated the Parshendi. This is to say that going forward, the singers would be more important to me than any other through line.
So imagine my delight at reading Words of Radiance and meeting Eshonai, one of the Parshendi, who even gets her own point of view sections! They were no longer being treated as a faceless mass, we were getting to see things from their perspective as well. And it became plain to see the damage the Alethi had done to them. I couldn't really bring myself to root for Dalinar or really any of the humans against the listeners. I couldn't even bring myself to like most of these characters. I still enjoyed the book but once it became clear there wouldn't be a peaceful conclusion, let's just say that I wouldn't have wept for Dalinar and Adolin if Szeth had managed to off them. Like everyone in the book, I assumed that going forward all the parshmen would be turned into evil voidbringers in the everstorm and that the listeners were mostly dead. Except for Rlain, and Eshonai because I'd read or been told that book 4 would be Eshonai's book and thus had assumed she was fine. (Oathbringer spoilers, she was not fine.) So ultimately it was still a bit of a downer way to end the book. 
So imagine my delight at reading Oathbringer, where for the first time singers were being treated as people, full and real people, and where the human characters could no longer ignore or dismiss them. We met Khen and the others, common singers who were sympathetic and just wanted freedom from bondage. We see Venli grapple with the loss of her home. We see Leshwi and Moash connecting with and understanding one another. We learn of a history where singers were the original inhabitants of the planet. Parallel to this, Dalinar is having a truly excellent character arc about confronting one's past actions and acknowledging them to move forward and do better. I loved Oathbringer, for some years it was my favorite book, and I was excited as hell to see what came next. At the time, it seemed to me that there is a clear direction the story is going. Two books about needless war, and then a third where the main cast is forced to acknowledge the personhood of their enemies. This was so cool, all of my feelings from the previous installments were being validated, the characters were going to have to face what they've done in the past and outgrow their militaristic mindsets, I was so sure of that.
Imagine my disappointment when that does not even remotely resemble the direction the story went in Rhythm of War. RoW presented a clear, straightforward “us vs. them" narrative, where every character was totally fine with killing singers. Characters aligned with the singers were either flattened into wholly evil versions of themselves (Moash) or were expected to turn on their side in favor of the humans (Venli.) Because clearly there was no reason good people would be on the side that's all former slaves trying to stay free. Maybe there's some sort of accord or understanding between Navani and Raboniel that I might have found meaningful if the seeds of mutual understanding weren't already there in Oathbringer and then apparently ignored for a year by all the characters.
I have a lot of issues with how the listeners are handled in these books. (Here's some elaboration.) Following OB, I had thought that all my concerns were going to be addressed. Following RoW, I knew they never would be. 
Which is my main complaint, because that's the thread that matters most to me in this series.
I have a lot of other Things as well. Gonna just talk about a few big ones. 
One outsized source of disappointment that may seem a little petty, and which probably is, is that I felt mislead by the premise of the book. It had been announced that this book would center Venli and Eshonai, and I was unbelievably hyped for that. That did not really turn out to be the case. The purpose for their backstory chapters felt less about exploring them as people and contextualizing their arcs, and more about filling in gaps of world history. In the main plot, Venli was a POV character and she certainly played a role, but honestly not a very important one overall. To me she felt like a side character in her own book. I don't think it's controversial to say that the main character of RoW was Navani. A lot of people really like Navani and are happy about that. Unfortunately I'm not one of those people, and I found it all the more difficult to enjoy her when it felt like it was coming at the expense of some of my favorite characters. 
This particular gripe somewhat comes down to preference, obviously everyone prefers to read about characters they like more than those they don't, and it can go both ways. (For instance, on a craft/technical level RoW is probably the superior book to W&T, but I liked the latter a lot more because of my stupidly outsized attachment to Szeth and Nale.) But I do think there's something of a real criticism in how the book would rather focus on the feelings of a queen rather than those of a genocide survivor, and how the former's are given significantly more weight and import. It ties in with my main criticism, I think. 
And then there's how human/human racism had also been wholly cast aside as a plot point. Jasnah fixed slavery so that's resolved, and the only person who still cares about structural racism is the evil bad bad evil villain Moash/Vyre, who is now wholly irredeemable and who you're allowed to totally write off because he's sold his soul to Odium. I've already talked a lot about this. Other people have already talked about this, probably better than me. The writing was actually on the wall for me in OB, but again, RoW was when I fully accepted that this was never going to be addressed. 
There's something else that probably deserves its own discussion rather than being quickly tacked on at the end here, but here we are. This book changed how the series approaches war. 
In WoK, war was very clearly portrayed as a bad and inglorious thing. It was brutal, it was painful, those at the bottom died cruelly and unceremoniously and pointlessly while those at the top turned a profit. Every day was a new horror. The enemy were never evil, they were always just more people forced to go through the same thing. Through the next couple books, it felt to me that even if the characters had accepted war as necessary, there was still a tragedy to it. Conversely, in RoW (and W&T) war is basically a series of boss battles, in between which our protagonists can kill dozens of footsoldiers with barely a thought in the same way WoK had criticized.
Final note on all this, it sucks how we have no perspectives from the former-slaves-singers demographic. Those guys are really thrown under the bus, and seemingly get no self-determination now or ever. It was a glaring problem to me in RoW. Conscripted and enslaved humans and singers probably have just as much ground to form mutual understanding as a fused and a queen. (In fact they already had. In Oathbringer.)
In essence, RoW disappointed me because it left me with the distinct impression that none of the series's most important through lines (well, most important to me) were going to be resolved well. I liked W&T, but I haven't revised my opinion very much about the overall handling of these topics across the series. Maybe one of the reasons I was able to enjoy W&T so much more was because I no longer had such high expectations.
#sorry i sorta need to get this stuff off my chest to unpack my feelings about the series.#i hope posting this out of the blue doesn't come across as too mean spirited. my sensitivity reader DID sign off on it.#(that is a joke. although i do let my sister look over any 1000+ word posts ahead of time. and i would respect any disapproval from her.#but normally she just tells me i'm allowed to be more forceful in my opinions without qualifying them or apologizing all the time. pfff.#the reason i've been hesitant to write any especially spoilery w&t meta is mostly because she hasn't read it yet.)#discourse#asks#hey anon if you're still here after all these years. thank you.#at the time i was kinda fishing for an ask like this bc i wanted to vent but it felt mean to do so unprompted#of course this was still really hard to write. mostly because every time i tried i completely spiraled.#the version of this post that was sitting in my drafts was honestly a lot better than this one. in basically every way. except.#except it was nearly the same length and all i'd gotten to was the oathbringer paragraph#below which was a stupidly thorough outline of my itemized complaints#you KNOW i don't care about brevity but my god that would have taken forever to write and finish#and i did not want to spend that sort of time with a book i didn't like. which i would have had to do to get all my planned citations#sorry past self. you were clearly writing from a place of much more passion and that made your work better than mine. and yet.#so as i said. i'm only writing this bc i now like the series enough to talk about it again. sincerely not trying to be a hater.#side note: if any of you have thoughts/opinions about the shift in the way war is used in these books. i would love to hear them. lets chat
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averlym · 2 years ago
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litany of the martyrs (click for better resolution!)
#at some point i wanted to make an illustration for each character but in retrospect maybe each is multiple song-coded..#drew the sketch for a quincy thing after a chat with a mutual reminded me this song existed dfsghjkl and then spent weeks rendering this#quincy cynthius martin#adamandi#i'm finally done with this! the saints especially were joys to paint and the halo a menace.... this has been the most ambitious one so far.#but it also took quite long because i only worked on it <engages with quincy> when mentally okay to deal with the themes. i'm not religious#but i do identify with the irrational(?ish) guilt + family legacy + academic achievement + disregard for self. also more complex thoughts#about love [but depsite quincent being a large part of quincy's character this piece deals with mostly the Rest of it. so another time..]#anyways! in the original sketch- the saints had heads bent towards quincy so the halo spikes pointed at him. but this worked better! halos#of the saints implying/creating one for quincy was a concept from the start though. in the show they don't touch him directly here but#differences in mediums i think- i don't have time in an image to craft a narrative so everything has to be happening. also artistic liberty#misc inspiration for this includes stained glass windows. i might have maybe misinterpreted the saint costume but i think i logic-ed it out#as the cloth part following a nun's habit w the hood. and then halo above. the material is also more transparent originally but i had. um.#too much fun painting fabric folds.. if you look closely you can see the basis of faces though behind the cloth; but only the vague shapes#because smth obscurity + inhumanness// cassian is the only one i gave a mouth though. that stems from melliot's post about the saints and#st cassian as spokesperson (<- did research teehee!) that's also how i found out which costume = which saint. speaking of which.#left to right: 'st lucy take my hand' // 'st lawrence give me strength' (presses quincy forward; but hand on shoulder connotates guidance)#/'st cassian help me smile' (quincy's mouth is btwn a grimace and a smile; tilts up at side. also no direct touch bc added insidiousness.)#//'st jude [...] i hope your causes burn' (jude's hand is in two places to show movement- nearing the flame and then snatching back; burnt)#other notes: at the midst of the flame the core is shaped like a human heart /the saints and their wax are all melting like the candle for#fun visual effect and also this way they are even less tangible <real>. perks of painting as a medium i guess. // also insp from icarus?#wax and burning imagery; looking at the halo and rays as parallel to sun that burns. too close to the sun; melting; hurting; hurtling //#candles at bottom are a nod to the frankly gorgeous set// also the entire composition kind of stems from the lyric <what use is a candle if#both ends aren't burning>; the two sides between the concepts of catholic guilt and academic perfection that spur quincy#the halo above (saints and guilt; litanyofthemartyrs) and the 'halo' below (academic papers; insp from choreo for perfect at school)#the papers were originally supposed to be more glowy. but i like the idea of it now being a reflection of how quincy's priorities shift#also of note is that <candle> in centre = quincy; w burning candle + aforementioned heart in flame -> most human; idea of love + passion#last thoughts: kneeling + hands close tgt = prayer //wax dripping onto the red As make an effect that looks like blood. because i like#hiding that within the adamandi pieces :OO continuity!! // i've run out of tags but yeah! had fun with this one! every so often i go a#little insane in making art and the final result astounds even me. ngl i'm quite proud of this one. pretty colours <3333
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teh-nos · 5 months ago
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the internet says to "promote your fics on social media" and i do link them from tumblr it's just they get about two notes so while i do it anyway sometimes i feel a bit daft. i'm assuming at least a few people click to look at them but i might just be making that up.
this won't stop me though. so there!!!!
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icewindandboringhorror · 2 months ago
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Recent life photos
#photo diary#image 1 & 2 - of course these are just cloud images. But a cool pattern of them :0#3 - another word count of game writing... aargh... Still debating about like allowing other people into the game discord or how early#in the process one should do that.. but social things are just so difficult for me lol.. I shall always suffer for my lack of networking an#self promotion skills. 4 - I was forced to get a new phone a few months ago because my beloved phone of like 10 years finally#broke too much. and I always like to go through the emojis and make a little memo with all my favorites. yaay little pictures of things.#5 - I FINALLY finished all the dictionary entries for the game (which has a little dictionary feature in the player's journal to note#any specific terms and keep track of them (like what 'jhevona' or 'avirre'thel' means. or to remember that the world is called Nanyevimi#and the country they're in is Asen. etc. etc.)). There are 75 defined terms so far and it took me a while to do so out of curiosity I put#all the text into a wordcounter thing and lol.. 8000 words isnt that much I guess but the 30 minute reading time is funny to me. 30 minutes#for my little tiny dictionary panel in my quaint little casual visual novel which is not even lore heavy at all. hee hee (though that's mor#like a minute here and there since obv people are not unlocking every term all at once. you complete the dictionary as you talk to people#and hear them mention new concepts over time.).. ANYWAY..#6 - a very soft and beautiful stuffed animal that I did not buy but wanted to at least document their charm.#7 - stimky boye waiting in front of his favorite straw meowring screaming for someone to play with him (he likes to chase the#straw around). 8 - matcha bubble tea my beloved. 9 & 10 & 11 - some cool flowers I saw. also featuring one of my favorites (columbines!)#Anyhow.. as mentioned in the other photo diary post.. I have just been packing and writing mostly.. The evil summer is coming of course#which me and my health issues always dread. Good news though is I finally got my passport in the mail! >:3 huzzah. Now I just need to find#some fellow aromantic asexual living outside the US willing to take one for the team and fake a marriage with me so I can get the#hell out of the country UwU (<joking) (...mostly... as in - definitely NOT my main goal. but if a viable opportunity presented itself I#would of course give it consideration lol). I know that's already highly regulated but I wonder if it's something that will become even mor#locked down as people hunt for any opportunity to flee. People are out here searching for any loophole. Frantically researching their#entire family tree seeing if there's any chance for a citizenship by descent in whatever place will take them. etc. etc. lol#So I wonder if such marriages are a thing that will come up more often. hmm.. ANYWAY..#I have almost all of my stuff packed even though I don't move until another 1-2 months. But that's the point is to have it all sorted early#in the last remaining scraps of ''cooler'' weather so that then I can just relax up until then. I'm going to try doing another scrapbook#/sketchbook this summer as a Mood Boosting effort. Just to find little things to help with the situational political existential dread and#climate woes. So on days it's too hot to function I can just glue little things to pages and doodle lol.. hopefully.. slowly getting things#off my to do list.. I reaaaaaally want to get back to playing games as it's so fun and realxing to me but..rghgh.. 500 other things..
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ur-fav-is-selfcest · 6 months ago
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Brash x Robo-Brash from: Investigators is (asexual) selfcest
Req by: anon
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infini-tree · 1 year ago
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what if i just. put these quotes together from the au (genre savvy, episodic chapter 3)
[…] The alternative were the dreams where he would never wake up. There would be nothing but darkness for miles, and no matter how much he tried to claw out of it he never could. As far as he was concerned, the rest of the world was gone. Even without seeing it, he knew somehow that the other guy had just subsumed his role permanently.
"[...] Or was getting rid of me the main motivation here?” George stood up from his chair. “Oh, if we could have, we would have!” As soon as the words left his mouth, it suddenly felt like the office had turned somewhat askew. Gone was the red in Krupp’s face and gone was the anger– if anything, he looked like he had been slapped in the face.
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wifeiy · 2 months ago
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#nia chats#RAMBLE. ///#Oh.my glob#i 🩷 hq. alas i wud like 2 try writing more not hq. < girl whose 1.5 drafts r hq#not even necessarily new media. even if its just ts or cove or jjk. idk..... sits and thinks#and. this yr im trying 2 care less abt notes and such Bc i will truly never b at my prime again. the post i rbed from jayce abt#the goodness of ur art being related 2 how often U go back to it. yeah. and i think i jabe 2 start visualizing like. 10 ppl in a room#when i get 10 likes. as part of a long process 2 save the joy of sharing my writing. i like writing. sharing is.. Hm#i also want 2 get better at it. Writing that is. i think i am a little. .. Uhhh. but you know. coughs and dry heaves#6okuto.. i think ill still mostly b here... but.. do i do nia thinks posts here.. there..rb from one to the other..? gelp#idek if itll b 18+ over there oh myy globbbbbb WHATEVVBER.. will post 2 things soon I HOPE. AAAACKK#mrgnhg id still rlly like 2 interact w other writers/artists/People more bjt thats scawy...#one battle is self esteem... the other is talking... god has placed a fork in the road but both lead to a hellscape.#there is a beautiful.sunny meadow when ive escaped but Thats... quite far..#i am so sorry if i keep coming around w doodles or rbing a handful of ur posts at a time I literally dont know how else to talk to people#which is awesome (awful) because if i dont reach even these steps (i often dont)(cant even follow people) i just donttalkahebfhfbjJHFBSJGB#coughs and Chokes on bloof. dry heaves. Scary. i need to explode#abyway. back to writing i go. jumps off the balcony and disappears
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theragamuffininitiative · 6 months ago
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Things that happened at church today:
I was running late by several minutes. To one of the fullest services of the year. One lady who was leaving from early service told me "I probably don't need to tell you that you're late!" to which I replied laughing with embarrassment, "I know!" so that she then immediately tried to reassure me, "not that late though!" So cheers to her for trying to find the line between church grandmother and church bestie this morning.
The priest talked about the marriage feast of the Lamb and how Scripture describes heavenly wine, "to which all the Anglicans said, 'Amen!'" and everyone laughed, but not as hard as I, the recently ex-baptist, did.
A deacon I didn't know did the Gospel reading and I was amused and bemused by how her accent shifted from a southern drawl to a very proper British accent, and I was questioning her choice of faking an accent when she was doing it badly, until I found out she is South African and suddenly everything made so much more sense.
The sermon was on the Magnificat and specifically on Mary's perspective of God's promises and their fulfillment and how we should emulate this posture of praising God how he is *going* to move rather than just how he *has* moved.
We also sang multiple songs that focused on Mary and again my ex-baptist self had to come to terms with that, but tbh mostly I am grateful for all these things working in tandem to remind me of a bigger, more gracious God than I have let myself believe in before, and how he has delighted to work through and honor women.
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skitskatdacat63 · 1 year ago
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I will read the most inane and useless stuff for hours just for my own interest/enjoyment, but reading academic papers is like pulling a tooth 😭😭 like I genuinely think I'd find the info interesting but the fact that ik it's in pursuit of doing an assignment somehow manages to kills my motivation 100%
#step 1. you pick a research topic you find genuinely interesting#step 2. you have to research and read papers abour this topic. hey dont you remember you find this interesting??#i just remember going on deep dives learning about random historical figures#but absolutely god forbid i read anything in the pursuit of actual schoolwork#i think its mostly that i feel constantly under duresss when im reading it yknow?#all i can think is: im going to have to write something about this#lol just need someone i can blab to about politics and maybe it would actually work out for me#but ugh yeah theres just such a palpable difference btwn reading smth for enjoyment and reading something 'for work'#here is an example!#in my one class i think my prof put The Prince as a reading#i didnt even look cause im liek yeah i aint reading all of that#fast forward a year later: oh my god! i wanna read machiavelli so bad! i wanna feel intellectual 🥰🥰#literally bought myself a copy of it .....#i think im too self aware. id like to remove all sense of context from my brain#literally spent hours today watching documentaries that are actually pretty relevant to my one course#<- but note. they werent FOR my course. i was just doing ir for fun! i wanted to learn!!#but if i got assigned a hour and a half docu for class....that shit would not be getting done#ugh yeah anyways i have two research papers this sem#and its so fucking annoying bcs its so open to my choices. like here. you can pick smth you find genuinely interesting#and you guys literally witness me constantly learn info and want to apply it#but the thought of having to write a paper for school(god forbid) literally keeps me awake at night#its just yeah. wish i could remove that particular barrier from my brain#bcs some of the things i do for fandom are literally borderline research papers#like. read and research a bunch. write about it to other people. apply the info(in fic/drawing/meta)#and really the topics are not so different from my actual coursework#but when i contemplate having to research and write for school it just flatlines my brain#need to start forcing people to watch me borderline seminar so that it feels more fun and in-line w what i do on here#the fernando card post???? practically a research paper. god. my brain is so bad#catie.rambling.txt
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mikkouille · 1 year ago
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wait actually connecting the dots was the guy telling us the fight would go well when we were half a party of first timers also the one who forgot to lb3 us like bro was a tank one of em. jffjjssn he forgor.
#the one guy who does know the fight gjdjsjsbsbsbd#no one doing trial roulette at midnight we were all here to discover it#actually the coach review im doing in my head is critical again i realised i once more forgot to hit SSS like i have to figure out a spot on#the hotbar for me to remember#ok authors notes and definitions ¹LB for Limit Break: staple of FF big ability that you get to use after certain conditions#in this case for the time spent in the fight (+other little things but mostly its about the time spent). in the context of this tale#a protective one was needed to supershield us from death. hence 'tank lb' speaking of ²Tank: one of the three key roles in a fight#alongside Healer (self explanatory) and dps (damage-per-second– hence damage dealers) the tank is solid and takes hits#so that the others dont have to. its sturdy and healthy and looks particularly yummy tovthe enemies to make tjem want to hit Just this guy#in this specific story there were Two tanks#one of them seemingly having knowledge of the specific fight we embarked on#the other likely not. neither of them activated the special limited use bug spell we needed to survive though (only they can)#and for ur curiousity dear scientual i play as damage dealer. so that i cant be the bearer of thus sort of mistake ever 👍#though granted dps also could do LB fumbles in this specific fight apparently. twas the fight disclaimers on the guides jdjfjfd#'do NOT cast dps LB UNLESS the boss himself os casting something or else he'll activate invulnerability and make it all useless'#+8second of invulnerability??? bro i just elected to not even try it even before the fight went. awry.#even tho technically my position is good for damage lb its ok given how it went i doubt anyone would mind that no one hit the lb gjdjsjsjsks#to be fair its one of these situations where its better left to the healer in case all goes wrong again#(author note damage lb does big damage. healer lb does big heal and if maxed out on its capacity can even ressurect anyone dead)#(hence. given the struggle. it was better off being theirs even outside of the odd conditions of the boss turning invulnerable)#dont think anyone used it tho#its ok.
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natugood · 1 year ago
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I really need to stop reading my therapist's session notes given the psychic whiplash I experience half the time I read them, especially since im like 99% sure I shouldn't be able to see them in the first place, but like.... im so curious. I want to knowwwww
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konkusuriuri · 1 year ago
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gay--dog · 2 days ago
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also heres the initial screenshot i took for reference & also some of the progress shots of it if anyones interested ^_^ thanks for all the kind words on this piece btw it really means a lot,, im glad so many people like it hehe
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In the lion's garden the air is clear and smells like drying blood.
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+alts :P
im not sure how much i like this, but ive been working on it for over a month and i really wanted to finish it before artfight ^^; either way it was a great learning experience! and flesh of the killer (as well as anthology of the killer as a whole) really really means a lot to me, so it was super awesome and fun to be able to put a lot of thought and effort into some fanart for it :3
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connormoving · 8 months ago
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aww its kinda cute finding me complaining abt my dads whole lisa thing from 2017. honestly so overshadowed by everything else and also i was so annoying when i was 12 aw .
#did not realize how many of my journal posts r just vents and it all looks so silly now RJRBJFBFNG aw hun. its so funny that i was#complaining abt my mom treating me like a therapist in 2017. <- his ass did notttt know. its like watching a guy standing on the train#tracks and complaining about a car driving past.#sry . i ended up on quotev just 2 look. ive never actually looked at my like activity feed very much whenever i go back but its funny bc it#rly is a more accurate glimpse into whateve was going on for miss kami (my quotev nickname).... like yasss. you hate your dads girlfriend#and her kids that is a nice problem to have#its also embarassing bc like my ex gf is just all around in here . i made a vent post like I get it im not enough and i dont matter and im#just a tool for you to use 😡😡😡 and she commented “yesss tell the world”. SO FUNNY?#and i found her being excited abt our 5 month anniversary#delightfully 12 year old activity. i do not like her very much at all and idt i ever actualy loved her#not in a bitchy way in a like. i literally questioned if i was aroace the entire time we were dating#she asked me out with a little note passed in class like circle y/n and i literally thought to myself Hm well i guess i dont have anything#going on. and circled yes. which is so funny. hun?#anyways. that all imploded bc we were 11 its whatever.#sigh. its just nice to remember the little problems i had. like obviously all this is after my dad choked me out in public and threw my dog#and etc but its still technically the beforetimes. yk. and ik the zoo isnt rly the most pressing of my things that have happened to me#anymore but its still like. Big. yk. even if i mostly just have to Be fine about it now or else everyone will think im being an awful piec#of shit asshole for still being upset. Ok sorry#also when i call my 12 yesr old self snnoying i mean it in an loving way like. its only right to be kind of annoying when youre 12 yk...#and also 12 year old kamille is Not here rn so i can be a little playfully mean to her. bc shes such a 12 year old#idk i just struggle a lot bc i am so like. far removed from everything that happened atp were on like 4th or 5th generation post that#and i struggle to put myself in That kamilles shoes and remember she was a kid yk. like obviously ik i was a kid ik i didnt deserve that#but when i try to like. put myself back in the situation and try to force myself to remember that exact day (dont do this btw . it does not#go well LOL) but i always like. i try to rebuild the events from the ground up but im not Kamille age 12 im me. witnessing everything#i wont ever be able to remember it How it acrually was i couldnt even fully remember it like a week after the fact yk. itis what itis#sorry i should prolly tag this i rambleddddd#a2t#child abuse#implied but we#animal abuse
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