#my 2 main priorities in life are connected ......

[asmogorna]

MARIO CONTE REBLOGGED A STEAM POWERED GIRAFFE POST ON HIS ANCIENT TUMBLR ACC BACK IN LIKE 2012. WILL WOOD AND STEAM POWERED GIRAFFE OFFICIALLY HAVE A CONNECTION I CAN FINALLY KILL MYSELF

Everyone is always connected

[veryoccasionalwriting]

Links to my Fanfictions

Not sure what Spin-Off Series means? Spin-off series explanation <- CLICK THAT! :)

What I write for (To be updated)

Requests ARE OPEN!

Below is the masterlist of all my fan fictions for Invincible. All are currently published to AO3.

Main Mark:

Something like a Family: SPIN-OFF SERIES Two years(ish) after a difficult breakup, Mark crosses paths with the girl he never stopped loving, and the toddler she’s holding who looks an awful lot like him. The question remains: How do you tell a superhero he has a super-powered kid? (Full Series, On-going. Triggers include: Teen pregnancy, implied sexual content)

Always Second Priority | Tumblr Link - Getting crushed by a monster sucked. Watching your boyfriend save someone else? Even worse (Mini-Series) (COMPLETED)

A little Liquid courage | Tumblr link - You get a little too drunk with William and wind up on Mark’s doorstep with secrets you probably should’ve kept to yourself. Probably. [IMPLIED SEXUAL CONTENT]

Hungover - Sequel to A Little Liquid Courage

Too Young for Love | Tumblr Link - Mark introduces you to his younger brother, Oliver. Oliver immediately falls in love. You gently remind him you're dating his brother… and also that he's one.

Balcony - Mark returns home from a mission to visit you. (Basically just smut)

Back to Friends | Tumblr link - based off the song 'back to friends' by Sombr lol. Before Amber, there was you. Now Mark wants to be friends again, like nothing ever happened. But you're not ready to forget.

Seventeen Days - Mark left for only six hours. When he came back, you were barely alive. Now, as you lie unconscious in a GDA medbay, Mark finds himself on the edge of losing control.

The Best Notifications [Tumblr link / AO3 link] - Mark has a new habit: texting you every time he thinks of you. Which.. is a lot.

Pool Party! - You join William at a pool party. William has plans to hook you and Mark up.

Sexting, Kinda [Part 1 and Part 2] You and Mark try to sext for the first time. Mark is not very good at it. | Part 2 is just you two banging

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Alternative Marks:

What You've Taken From Me - SPIN OFF SERIES - In an alternate universe where Mark Grayson fully embraced his Viltrumite heritage and conquered Earth, the one thing he loved was you. But when you died giving birth to his son, Kael, Mark buried your memory and raised the boy under harsh discipline and silence. Kael grows up believing his mother abandoned him and blames himself for his father's treatment of him. until one day, he discovers a hidden room filled with relics of a life she never got to live.Through a lost journal and old photographs, Kael learns the truth: you didn’t leave, you died to bring him into the world and Kael got trapped with a father that hates him. Heartbroken and desperate for connection, Kael makes a promise: If there’s a version of her out there who lived… He'll find her. Even if it means tearing a hole through the multiverse to bring her home. (Full Series, on-going, Triggers include: Implied child abuse, mental health issues and more to be added.)

In Every Version, It's you | Tumblr Link - In his universe, you died calling his name. Mark tore a hole through reality trying to undo it, burned every rule, crossed every line, just to find you again. And now you're here. Alive. Breathing. But you're not his. “I’m not leaving. I don’t care what version of you this is. I’m never losing you again.” (Had written this with Sinister Mark in mind, but it switched to just being whatever version you want, basically lol.)

It's a Viltrumite thing, you wouldn't understand. | Tumblr Link - Mark Grayson has a plan! It involves genetics, his legacy, and best of all, you! Unfortunately for Mark, you're still in high school and not remotely ready to discuss intergalactic breeding charts. (Omni-Mark in mind, can be whatever version you want. NO SEXUAL CONTENT.)

Pet Name - Mark Grayson is your high school sweetheart. He was strong, sweet in his own awkward way, and completely devoted to you. But things change. He starts holding you a little too tight. Watching you a little too closely. Loving you a little too much. You think it’s just him, you think it’s still love. You don’t know he’s not from this world anymore. You don’t know he’s planning to conquer it, and you don’t realize that you’re not the woman he loves. You’re the one thing that makes him weak. And he’s decided to keep you. [Pairing: Viltrumite!Mark x reader | TW: Toxic romance, dark romance, implied abuse, emotional/mental conditioning. Mark is just toxic, reader is currently clueless.] ONGOING SERIES

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Omni-Man/Nolan Grayson:

Everything We Are - Their love was never supposed to happen, at least, not according to the mission Nolan Grayson was sent to Earth to complete. But she made him feel human. She made Earth feel like home. And she made him weak.What starts as a marriage full of love begins to shift after the birth of their son, Mark. Nolan grows distant. Disconnected. All while she doesn't understand why. Reader fights to hold her family together, unaware of the true reason Nolan was sent to Earth... and what it will mean when the truth finally comes out. (Full Series, On Going. Triggers include: Possessive behavior, control issues. Reader is taking Debbie's place in this story)

World famous author, Nolan Grayson - Reader finds Nolan's old books and they're a fan.

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Rex Splodes:

Whatever it Takes - Rex has always been impulsive, but this? This is something else. He’s decided he’s ready for a baby and you’re the only person he wants to do this with. (No Smut, implied sexual content)

Just Say it! - Rex trying and failing to share his feelings to you. [Gender Neutral self-insert]

Operation: BOOM BOOM BLING - After five years of dating, Rex Splode decides it’s finally time to propose. He has a plan, a ring and a dream. But this is Rex. And nothing can go good for him.

Always Second Priority | Tumblr Link - Getting crushed by a monster sucked. Watching your boyfriend save someone else? Even worse. Good thing Rex knows how to pull people out of wreckage, both literally and emotionally. (Mini-Series) (COMPLETED)

A Literal Miracle - Rex and reader had a baby. Their daughter already has him wrapped around his finger, and she's only 8 hours old. (Fluff, humor.)

Going out with a Bang - He always said he’d go out with a bang. You just didn’t think he’d mean it like this. (MAJOR SEASON 3 SPOILERS. PURE ANGST, NO HAPPY ENDING)

A Little TLC (Tinder, Love and Care) - You’ve made a lot of bad decisions in your life. Cutting your own bangs with school scissors. Trusting a guy named KyloRenRP69 on Discord, who turned out to be thirty-seven, married, and working in HVAC. Telling your entire friend group you’ve never kissed anyone and naively thinking they’d let it go. But downloading Tinder? Yeah. This might actually top the list.

Robot's Double Life - Robot’s always been weird and private. But when he starts going offline without explanation, Rex Splode gets suspicious and nosy. What he doesn’t expect to find is a hidden apartment… and you.

Temu Bed talk [But sexy] - WARNING: HEAVILY IMPLIED SMUT MINORS DO NOT INTEACT!! PLEASE!! You and Rex were enjoying your evening.. until Rex had to show you all the Temu condoms he bought.

Just one more message - TW list: Grief, hurt and no comfort, MAJOR SPOILERS FOR SEASON 3

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Other Characters:

Too Young for Love | Tumblr Link- Mark introduces you to his younger brother, Oliver. Oliver immediately falls in love. You gently remind him you're dating his brother… and also that he's one. (READER IS NOT A CREEP)

Robot's Double Life - Robot’s always been weird and private. But when he starts going offline without explanation, Rex Splode gets suspicious and nosy. What he doesn’t expect to find is a hidden apartment… and you.

[artsymeeshee]

Hello! I just found your laundry list of art last week, and I have to say…I LOVE IT! Love the instinct comics, Ford being cool never ceases to make me giggle, and I loved the autumn drawing. I’ll admit, that one had me in tears…made be believe in the what-if’s of my own family. What they…could be like someday. Or what I wish they were. Thanks for the tears, they were much needed.

 Anyway! This is what I came to message you about! Although,…I am extremely sorry for the late message. I tend to check back into tumblr at…weird hours of the night. Heck, it’s almost the next day as I type this. I seriously need to sleep more. So! I had a few thoughts on Stan and Ford relationship, and I wanted to hear your thoughts on it. Just a disclaimer, I’m kinda basing this off my actual life as I find these characters mirror personal events very closely! I am also a writer and soon to be author! Might post some archive of our own content about these two soon. Also, and this is the most important, I have NOT read book of Bill yet. So plz…no spoilers. Anyway, long introduction aside, let’s begin!

In my personal head cannon of these two, which I don’t imagine is “too” different than how anyone else could see them, Stan and Ford have an extremely awkward and emotional conversation after Weirdmagedon. Why? B/c they’re both, to some degree, emotionally numb. In my opinion, why wouldn’t they? They haven’t spoken to each other in 40 years, properly, and they have repressed a ton of their emotions since then. It’s hard to bring that back up. (Speaking off of experience) I’d say even harder for Ford. Stan, thanks to the twins, has learned to loosen the locks on his heart while Ford kept running away from those emotions to defeat Bill. Just like his ambitions, that was the main priority, and everything else later. To me, this would explain why Ford never bothered to talk to Stan properly since coming back during the show. He wouldn’t know how to. If they were to talk, and this is where the writer in me comes out, I’d write Ford as the one that needs it most. He’s been traveling dimension for decades, running from the past that held him back…but he has no anchor now. Stan becomes that anchor, paralleling what he wasn’t when Ford was lost. And Ford…he just breaks. Like, completely breaks. And Stan is there with him, breaking like he is, but still there for him brother. Finally back after all those years apart. And as someone who has been on the side of neglect from one’s own brother…nothing would be me happier if we went to connect. Just like Stanley and Ford. And eventually, soon to be sailing on the seas to connect even more.

Phew…that was a lot. Sorry for the rambling. Told you I had some ideas! So, what do you think? Do you see Ford acting like this? If not…why? Genuinely, I’d like to know. Anyway, thanks for taking your time to read this. Again, sorry for the ramblings. Oh! One more thing, I know you aren’t taking art request right now, but would you be open to take them in the future? Say in 2 months time? Anyway, bye!

Well first off, thank you! I appreciate it! :D

And to answer your headcanon, I agree on it. Stan is definitely more open to talking, especially thanks to the kids. I mean there's still moments where it's hard and awkward for sure. And Ford would for sure have a harder time opening up, especially with the constant guilt and mistakes that replay over and over. And there's always that lingering feeling of "well, Stan has to hate me for what I've done" and it's always so surprising when Stan tells him differently and he never once hated Ford. Sure, was angry but never hated him. He had too much self-hatred to feel that way with Ford. And as many times as it needs to be said or repeated, it really makes all the difference when they tell each other how much they love and care for each other. As Alex said, "they're both so damaged, they desperately need each other."

As for the requests thing, most likely not. Only because I'm entering the busiest time of year for my work so it's gonna be a miracle if I even have enough energy or motivation for drawing if I'm not completely burnt out.

[jinx-xxed]

Out in the Cold

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A/N; This kind of AU is what most of my writings are based in, so I hope this is a good introduction! There will be more of these to come :) I hope you enjoy!

Part of Written in the Stars

Part 2

Summary; You are a pupil of the Force under Supreme Leader Snoke along with Kylo Ren. You hate him. He’s arrogant and cocky and has done nothing but make your life miserable. So what happens when you have to save his life?

Content; Aftermath of TFA, treating Kylo’s wounds, enemies to ???, Kylo’s a loser, reader taking things into their own hands, probably some medical malpractice, some Force connecting, reader also hates Hux

Wc; 3.9k

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“Leave the base at once and come to me with Kylo Ren,” Snoke’s voice manages to remain booming and intimidating even amongst the collapsing rubble. His projection leans back in the throne he’s sitting in, his gnarled face creased in contemplation. “It is time for you both to complete your training.”

“Right away, Supreme Leader,” you say, head bowing. His projection fizzles out not even a second later, leaving you alone to figure out how to complete the new task you’ve been given without losing your life in the process. The planet is imploding, and there’s only so much longer before the sun boiling beneath the surface breaks through and burns everything on it to mere ash in the atmosphere. It all went awry so quickly, it’s almost laughable. Starkiller Base—Hux’s little passion project—has been rendered a failure, destroyed by Resistance forces.

You tear through the halls of the base, the entire foundation shaking and crumbling around you. You stop by your office, which has already been mostly cleared out by members of your elite personal fleet—Fleet 74—and grab BB-12 who’d been waiting for you. He rolls obediently behind you as you rush out. People are in a frenzy, most trying desperately to get to transports and get the hell out, others trying to stick it through and finish whatever duty they’d been given by a higher up. You tell whoever you can to head to the hangars, to pile onto transports and evacuate, even if it’s hard to hear over the commotion. You click on the radio that’s attached to your shoulder. “Fleet 74—this is your captain speaking. I’ve been given a new assignment I have to complete before I can leave, so I can’t lead you out. Follow formation, follow Chief, and I’ll get back to you when I can.” You say, shoving past a panicked lieutenant.

“Heard, Captain. Stay safe.” Chief, your second in command, responds. “We’ll be waiting for you.”

You enter into hangar eight, and it can only be described as chaos. Stormtroopers and engineers and all kinds of different workers are running about, getting into whatever kind of ship they can while trying to maintain some kind of pathetic semblance of order. TIE fighters screech as they shoot into the burning atmosphere, orange and red and black blazing outside the hangar opening. Flames lick at the darkened sky, rising from the cracks in the planet that look as though they’ve been torn open by a gods hands. You can feel the planet dying beneath your feet, you can feel its desperate call to the universe as it burns and burns and burns, swallowing itself whole. You focus on your breathing to block it out.

You fly down the catwalk, down the steps leading to the main floor, searching for one of the smaller transports. Workers part for you, letting you take your pick, knowing you take priority when it comes to evacuations. In the eyes of the Order, they are lesser, meant to be your stepping stones—but you’ve never seen it that way. You’ve never cared much for the hierarchy despite your favorable position within it.

You clamber into the transport, immediately shutting the ramp when BB-12 is safely inside and connects himself into the ships’ systems. You haphazardly slide into the pilots seat, flipping switches and pressing buttons with a near panicked efficiency. “Gods damn all of this,” you mutter to yourself. Although from the look of the base, it seems the gods have already done a good job of damming it all to hell.

The ship roars to life, engines purring and controls feeling sturdy within your palms. You shoot from the hangar, leaving the caving infrastructure of Starkiller Base behind and entering into the thick pine woods surrounding the territory. That’s where Kylo Ren is supposed to be. He left the base when this all started, chasing after some fresh faced Jedi girl and the traitorous Stormtrooper that decided to accompany her. It creates a strange uneasiness in you, wondering what state Kylo must be in to result in him having to be retrieved. Snoke better not have me going out here just to find a dead body.

“BB-12, activate life-form scanners.” You call back to the droid. He gives a robotic chirp in response and the scanners activate on a monitor to your left, the screen a jumble of different information. A sensor runs across a circle, beeping idly as it comes up with nothing. You curse, also hearing the alarms to your right as the ship warns you of dangerous surface level conditions as if you don’t already know about the planet splitting apart beneath you. It looks far worse from your place in the sky, fractures akin to spiderwebs forming and spitting lava that swallows chunks of earth and trees. You can see the specks of straggling Resistance fighters amongst the stars as they flee, shooting into hyperdrive and getting far, far away from this place.

Trying to find one man in an expanse of trees and snow and darkness and fire is going to be near impossible like this, you realize. Relying on sensors that are jammed from broken frequencies and a crumbling planet isn’t going to work. You sigh to yourself, straightening your back in your chair, flicking on autopilot, closing your eyes, and steadying your breathing. The destruction around you steadily fades as you descend into the Force, becoming merely background noise as you search for one thing in particular. Your Force combs through the planet below, running through the trees like a wolf on a hunt, sniffing, searching, chasing.

There.

A heartbeat, erratic and struggling, fighting to be heard amongst the wailing of the dying planet. Your eyes shoot open and your hands fly back to the controls, snapping the ship out of autopilot as you jerk to the right. You begin descending when the heartbeat gets louder, pounding in your ears. You ease towards the ground, crushing a few trees in the process and kicking up clouds of snow. You order BB-12 to stay on board as you lower the ramp.

Snow sucks at your ankles, it settles into your hair and bites at the exposed skin of your face. You’re sure there’s ash mixed in there—you can smell it in your nose and taste it on your tongue when you breathe in. You hurry forward, eager to get this all over with. You notice the signs of a struggle on the trees as you pass, burning gashes within the bark, branches sliced clean in half and charred at the ends. Lightsabers. There’s blood on the ground as well, standing out starkly against the white of the snow. This battle had not been a good one for either side.

Up ahead, you see something abnormal. A black form, laying lifelessly in the snow—and that’s when it hits you. You’re overwhelmed by feelings of rage and disappointment and grief and fear and blatant pain, coming to you in waves of violent flashes of color and creating an uncomfortable tenseness in your muscles. It’s suffocating and purely Dark.

Kylo is collapsed on his back, eyes closed and lips slightly parted, chest steadily rising and falling. At least this wasn’t a waste of my time, you think. You study him with disinterest, some sick sense of arrogance rising in you at the sight of him fallen on the ground, entirely at your mercy. You take note of the wounds littering his body, the most obvious being the massive gash that now lays across the left side of his face. It’s open and bleeding, smearing his skin red, running from his collarbone all the way up past his eyebrow, the edges cauterized and burnt black. A lightsaber wound, just like the ones within the trees. Part of you wishes you could’ve seen it, seen the slash that did this to him, see the girl that managed to do what you never could. You sense rather than see the other injuries on him, knowing he has quite a few and that they’re all causing him to lose an alarming amount of blood. He won’t last much longer out here, that’s for sure.

Leave him, a voice hisses from the darkest corners of your mind, the ones you try to ignore. You shake your head and ignore them now. Leaving him here would do nothing for you, your head would be on a spike just as soon as you abandon him.

You look past him to the cliff he’s laying on, the ground split perfectly through the middle, entirely isolating him from the way back to what was once the base. An ominous orange glow emits from the fissure, and you can feel the raging heat from where you stand. A tree crumbles right in front of you, the earth coming loose at another quiver of the planet and succumbing to the lava that swallows it in less than a second. That’ll be you soon if you don’t move it.

You grumble to yourself, glaring down at the man that’s the bane of your existence, and position your body. You grab at his arms first, the fabric of his robes wet with melted snow. You haul him up and sling him over your shoulders, nearly buckling under his weight. “Oh good fucking-“ you hiss, muscles bunching and straining. You knew he was dense but not that dense. You use the Force to help, taking off some of his brute weight and at least allowing yourself to walk.

You stumble back to the transport, your glower feeling like it’s permanently etched onto your face at this point. You move to the cargo hold where there’s a cushioned fold out table set into the wall. You gracelessly slide Kylo onto it, struggling for a second to get all his limbs in place and secure him in position. Without his weight on your back, you’re able to hurry to the pilot’s chair, the planet now rumbling more violently than it had before. Surveillance systems on the monitors are screaming at you, telling you to get the fuck out now. It doesn’t have to tell you twice. You prepare the hyperdrive, flying higher and higher into the sunless sky, the edges of it beginning to blur with bright blues and whites as you ascend into lightspeed. You’re shot far from the planet just as it finally gives in to the molten heat boiling in its core, a shockwave exploding from its center that rocks the ship and makes it beep in alarm.

You collapse in your seat, blowing a sigh out of your lips in relief. You scrub your hands over your face, the tips of your fingers cold from the snow. However, your relief isn’t allowed to last long as you hear movement behind you, turning the chair to see Kylo suddenly back in the world of the living, trying to get up and off the table. You can almost feel the way that each shift of his face or neck pulls unpleasantly at that gash, birthing a searing pain that’s so acute it’s nauseating.

“Stop-“ you say, getting up and out of the pilots chair, “stop moving. You’ll only make it worse.”

His eyes snap to you, only now noticing that you’re there, deep brown irises dark with a swirl of unpleasant emotions. His brows furrow, despite the way it pulls on the wound, as if he wants it to hurt more. Portions of his hair are plastered to his forehead and cheeks, both from melted snow and blood, his skin is clammy and pale, making him look entirely disheveled and nothing like the Commander he usually does. There’s a shame that’s rising in him, brewing like a storm. Shame that you’re seeing him like this, shame at the fact he lost—shame that’s going to quickly boil into anger. “Why are you here?” He demands, his voice low and holding a wild uneasiness. He’s vulnerable and he’s weak, two of the worst things to be when you’re in the First Order. It makes him as volatile and dangerous as an injured animal.

“I was ordered to retrieve you before you imploded with the planet.” You say roughly, immediately on the defensive. “We’ll be returning to the Finalizer and then moving to the Supremacy under Snoke’s command. He told me we had further training to complete.”

There’s a confusion that flashes across Kylo’s face, but it’s brief as you sense his consciousness shift drastically like an uneven scale, his body slumping against his will. His head smacks back against the cold metal wall, eyelids fluttering weakly, shallow breath passing desperately between parted lips. His left hand clutches at the cushions beneath him, though it’s an absent action—he doesn’t know what he’s holding on to, or why he’s doing it, only that if he doesn’t, he thinks he’ll lose his last anchor on whatever’s keeping him together. The adrenaline in his body has fully run out at this point, nothing left to keep the blood-loss and debilitating pain at bay, and now it’s hitting him at full force. You can only imagine the wave of nausea that’s probably rolling through him, creating an awful sinking feeling in the gut.

There’s panic that rises in you at the way his condition has worsened so quickly, and you hurry to dig through the deeper part of the cargo hold to pull out the standard issue first aid kit. “BB-12, open your storage port.” You snap, the droid detaching himself from the ship’s systems to follow your orders. A compartment in his front clicks open, revealing a small assortment of materials you keep hidden within your companion. You pull out a syringe, a can of ointment, and a bag of pills—all things you definitely shouldn’t have but stole anyway. “Send an alert to the Finalizer, an urgent order for medics at the ready on my return.”

BB-12 leaves you be to assess the situation before you: a gravely injured man that’s very possibly on the cusp of dying under your watch. There’s five injuries of note; the one on his face, a clean gash on his right shoulder, the jab of a saber on his left, the blaster shot in his side, and a cut along his left leg. You grit your teeth, channeling every bit of medical practice you’ve gotten from Jaharah—your fleet’s medic—and from the base training every officer receives. Keep your hands from shaking, focus on stopping the blood, clean the wound, do what you can. Don’t let him die. If he dies, it would definitely mean your own demise at the hands of Snoke, so there’s plenty weighing on you here to keep you focused.

You move for the syringe first, biting off the cap of the needle and going to move down the collar of his padded armor. In his agony-filled haze, he reaches his hand up and grasps at your wrist, his hold weak and weightless. His fingers are freezing, even beneath his gloves, a result of an onset of hypothermia. He mutters half-coherent phrases like don’t and leave me, but you ignore them and shake him off. You and him share a similarity in the way you’re both so vehemently against any sort of pain relief, whether it be as a result of training or some sort of masochism, you’re not sure. But you remember all those years back when you were all alone and dealing with your own gruesome wounds, trying so desperately to stave the blood, to keep it from hurting as badly as it did. You remember wishing for something, anything, to make the pain go away but never being given the relief. You’re sure he’s feeling the same now. So you stick the needle into the taut skin of his neck and shove two pills into his mouth, forcing him to swallow.

A low groan leaves him, his head slumping, fresh sweat beading along his hairline. “If you die on me I’ll be so fucking pissed with you.” You hiss, mostly to yourself since you doubt he can hear much of anything now anyway. He’s still with you, just barely, and you feel his anger rolling off him in waves. He probably wants nothing more than to throw you out of an air lock and into the cold vacuum of space. You move to focus on the wound that’s eaten into his side, too deep to have cauterized enough to stop the worst of the bleeding. You struggle to pull back the burnt layers of his uniform to see the injury, quickly resorting to just cutting it away with the scissors in the first aid kit. It’s bad, of course, with just the outer edges of the wound black, the rest a throbbing, oozing red. You grab the gauze and coat it in the ointment: a highly potent healing salve that’s meant to help with different kinds of system regeneration and pain relief—and a salve that’s nearly impossible to find or make nowadays, hence why you keep a secret stash. He better be grateful that I’m using what little I have on him.

You press the gauze to the wound, blood almost immediately soaking through and staining your palm. You add more and then put a wrap around it all to keep it in place. The others aren’t as bad, being simply surface level injuries from a lightsaber, so you instead focus on the awful wound on his face. You haven’t seen a wound this horrid on someone else in a good few years. You take your clean hand and place it against the top of his head, using it as a sort of direction control, tilting his head back. He keeps silent, the only evidence of his discomfort being the stuttering of his breath and the twitch of his good eye.

The sedatives and pain relievers have kicked in by now, evident from the slight release of tension in his shoulders, how he’s not trying to fight you despite him regaining consciousness, and the way his suffering is no longer suffocating the Force around you. You begin to clean around the wound, your faces so close together it’d be considered invasive in any other circumstance. The space is silent except for the sound of your mixed breathing, the smell of blood and burnt flesh assaulting your nose with each inhale.

You try to be gentle with your work, but pulls on the gash are inevitable, and you see his hands clench out of the corner of your eye each time. There’s also the occasional flicker of the lights as his Force shoots out from him since he’s unable to keep control on it in this state, and so it’s taking his anger and pain out on the things around him, thankfully avoiding you in the process. You move down his face, down his neck, and to his shoulder where you have to cut away more of his uniform. The wound doesn’t get any better until it finally cuts off just below his collarbone, and it gives you a feeling of relief, like a light at the end of a tunnel. You clean as much of the blood as you can, then layer on ointment and gauze. You gather a general sense of his condition with your Force, digging deeper than the surface which is now unbelievably easy with him in a weakened state, unable to put up as many walls against your prodding. The ones he does have up are weak and simple to bring down. You almost feel bad… almost. The salve is doing it’s work, trying so desperately to start the regeneration process in a desolate environment, but it’s doing a good job of easing his pain and bringing him steadily away from death’s doorstep. You begin to clean the remaining injuries until there’s urgent beeping at the control panel, drawing your attention.

You huff, straightening yourself. Kylo’s stable enough to where you could leave him to see whatever’s causing the disturbance, but it still makes you uneasy. You unclip your cloak, rolling it into an odd shape and putting it at one end of the table. You then ease him onto his back, idly feeling the warmth of his body beneath the layers, his head lying against your cloak. “Rest,” you order, “we’ll be back to the main ship soon, so you can get proper medical attention.”

His dark eyes watch you as you move to leave, his face drawn into a tired neutrality. “You did a good job.” His words are quiet, weak, but they make you stop regardless. There’s something else he wanted to say that he kept to himself, something he’s quickly hid away so you can’t access it. You feel some mixed emotions with a lingering sense of gratitude he’s trying to beat down, creating a weird feeling of embarrassment in him.

You don’t look at him, but the slight rise of your shoulders is enough. You clear your throat. “Thanks.”

You enter the cockpit—the beeping having not stopped—and slump into the chair. The blood staining your hands smears across the control panel as you mess with it, trying to receive whatever message is trying to come in. The radio communicator buzzes to life. “There you are, finally.” Hux. “I was beginning to wonder if your transport was an empty carrier.”

The muscles in your jaw tense automatically, words bitten through your teeth. “Do you have something important to say, Hux?”

“Did you manage to retrieve Commander Ren?” He asks, annoying voice made more annoying by the crackling of the comms.

A small growl builds at the base of your throat at his tone, like he doubted you were going to be able to succeed. There’s a reason the task was entrusted to you and not him, and it’d do him good to remember that. “Yes, I did. We almost didn’t make it before your little project ate itself alive. Really great job, by the way.” You know that has the general seething, you can practically see the way his nostrils would flare and his eyes widen in your mind. Starkiller has become both the height and ultimate failure of his career, and you’re just digging bloody fingers into his open wound. “Did the Fleet members on the base make it back?”

Now it’s Hux’s turn to bite his words. “No need to worry, General, all your friends made it back in one piece. I would suggest you hurry back to the Finalizer, there’s much to be done.” And then he’s gone, the communicator clicking off.

“Stupid bastard.” You spit.

You glance back at Kylo, a black mass laying on a fold-out table far too small for someone his size, his eyes closed. It makes another spike of panic spear through your chest, wondering if he died when you turned your back for just a moment, but a brief reach with the Force has you relaxing. He’s just fine—well, as fine as he can be in a state like that: covered in gauze, sedated to hell, bleeding, trying not to aggravate the wounds by moving. You study him for a second longer before turning back to the control panel, the Finalizer coming into frame along the upper edge of the glass paneling of the viewport. There’s a sense of foreboding that comes along with the appearance of the massive flagship, one that has you steeling yourself and sitting up a little straighter.

It seems one chapter has just ended and another one is just beginning.

[nightingaletrash]

Solstice pt.1 finale spoilers

And an attempt to make my thoughts on That somewhat coherent. If you haven't played the finale yet, go do that first. Trust me, it is best to go into this quest absolutely blind. This post will still be here when you're done, and you'll be able to engage with it more meaningfully if you have the full context for the discussion.

So. Gabrielle and Darien. How to even begin breaking this all down. I'm gonna do my best to keep this coherent and well-connected but I make no promises.

1. Gabrielle's Sacrifice

So I can't be the only one who suspected that it was ultimately going to come down to a Gabrielle for Darien situation, right? I know a few years ago I speculated that she might offer herself to take Darien's place as the Golden Knight so that he could be free, so it's not surprising that ZOS took this route. In both of her post-Coldharbour appearances (Dark Brotherhood and Greymoor), Gabrielle is specifically trying to locate Darien and bring him back, and depending on what content the player has completed, we can offer her information as part of her endeavour. If you found Darien's note in Wrothgar, you can tell her about it in Anvil. If you completed Summerset's main story, we can tell her about that in Solitude.

The Season of the Worm prologue was the first post-Coldharbour Gabrielle appearance where Darien wasn't her first and foremost concern due to the crisis with the guilds and the Worm Cult. But even though her priorities are elsewhere, Darien is never far from her thoughts. Just being at the Meridian temple reminds her of him, and no doubt she planned to get right back to trying to find him once the situation with the Worm Cult was resolved.

Cue the Gift of Death and its function - to restore someone to life in exchange for the sacrifice of a willing soul. The moment we learned about that, I just knew how it was going to end. Gabrielle was going to give her life for Darien's in return. I was actually a little surprised that she said nothing that suggested the idea when we told her about the Gift's abilities, but I can imagine that for a moment, she realised that she might have a way to bring Darien back. Maybe her mind didn't go straight to giving her life for his, but maybe the idea of studying it, experimenting, figuring out a way to use its power to bring him back without the cost of someone else. Whatever was going through her head, I really do think that she realised that she was close to her goal of rescuing Darien, it was just a matter of how.

A question that was of course answered by Farinor when she stabbed Gabrielle with the poisoned knife. Because now its an easy decision: let Gabrielle die in exchange for Darien's soul, or let her die and leave Darien to the Void. For her its no contest; she's dying, she's going to die, you might as well let her sacrifice herself for Darien. That way you still have an ally, one equipped for fighting the forces of Molag Bal, and her death will fulfill a purpose. Maybe it'll even impact Wormblood's ritual (which it does). But that doesn't change the fact that you lose a friend, and if you played Covenant, you're losing a friend you've known from the very beginning, all the way back in Glenumbra.

On the one hand, at least ZOS didn't have a perfectly healthy and capable Gabrielle just off herself for Darien instead of trying to study the Gift to circumvent the Ultimate Sacrifice bit, and it played into the reveal that Wormblood was planning to double-cross us with a fake Vanus just like how we double-crossed him with the Coloured Rooms trick (ironically she falls for the exact same trick that Vanus fell for which led to his capture in the first place). On the other hand, damnit ZOS, she deserved better!

But regardless, Gabrielle dies, Darien returns and we immediately get the sense that something might not be quite right with our beloved bread boy, which leads into...

2. Darien's Memory Loss?

Now I'll say it up front, I don't know if we're intended to be reading Solstice!Darien as him having lost his memories. This storyline is intended to be a direct sequel to the basegame and so probably doesn't want to lean too hard on Summerset's characterisation of him because of the whole 'play in any order' corner ZOS backed themselves into. But let's assume that this characterisation is on purpose and that something's not quite right with our boy Darien.

First off, let's look at Darien's final words from Summerset:

Right off the bat, Darien warns the reader to never trust a Daedric Prince, and tells them how Meridia deceived him with promises of freedom. What happened after his sacrifice has all but guaranteed that he has no trust for her whatsoever. Fastforward to his Solstice dialogue:

That last line doesn't sound like something you'd say about someone who you've learned not to trust and who you know betrayed you once before. Then there's this following dialogue regarding Summerset:

This does not sound like someone who remembers that emotionally harrowing adventure we went on. In Summerset, Darien was affected enough by the deaths of the Sapiarchs that he helped a Mephala worshipper escape Artaeum so they could go and ask for her help because he couldn't abide by the way the Psijics were doing things anymore. And his sacrifice and Meridia's 'betrayal' of her promise (which we'll get to) were important enough that he willed his final message into existence so he could warn others never to trust Meridia or any Prince, and to convey his love for his friends one last time.

Yet none of these things seem to have any weight here. The focus is on Meridia and his purpose. Almost like he doesn't remember. And here's the thing, Summerset!Darien didn't lack memories between Coldharbour and Summerset. He remembered his time in the Coloured Rooms and Meridia's lectures and such, yet the Darien we encounter here doesn't seem to have the same consistency of memories. Again this could just be ZOS writing, prioritising the base game's characterisation over Summerset's for the sake of 'play in any order' (like how they butched Eveli in Gates of Oblivion by using her initial characterisation during the early portions of Orsinium) but I just get the feeling that there's more to it than that. After all, Darien being Meridia's servant was only revealed in Summerset - while his oddness cropped up in the base game, it was only ever implied and then he vanished. To bring up his being Meridia's servant is then relying on Summerset's main story, and thus its characterisation.

So if it is intentional and not just ZOS' play-any-way writing at work, what does this mean for our beloved bread boy? Well, here's where we really get into the speculative stuff.

3. Meridia's Shadiness

It's revealed in the finale that the Gift of Death is in fact a corrupted Light of Meridia that was purified when used in the Coloured Rooms to restore Darien. Presumably it was corrupted by Molag Bal or a servant of his, maybe by Mannimarco himself. Maybe it was a slight to Meridia or intended to serve as a safety net, just in case. I imagine we'll learn more in Eastern Solstice, but whatever the case, it's now back to being a Light of Meridia, and it was used to restore her servant.

We know that ZOS hasn't forgotten about their villain!Meridia set up from previous stories, as seen in the Broken Light Temple quest where one of Meridia's own faithful begged for her power source in the temple to be destroyed so that she could be freed from being Meridia's vessel. It's also established that being Purified is not some honour as High Priest Eraamine believed it would be, but actually a very sinister means of control. The whole quest serves as a point that Meridia is not a good and benevolent master as her reputation as an enemy of necromancy would have you believe, and there's a dark side to her.

So does Meridia have anything to do with the apparent inconsistencies in Darien's memory? Perhaps. For starters, we know that Meridia values control, as mentioned above. The Purified are practically a symbol of that - enemies and followers alike are stripped of their freewill and forced to carry out her will, whether they're willing or not as seen in the Depths of Malatar dungeon and again in Broken Light Temple. She also openly admits in the conclusion of the base game that reality is a game to her, and encourages the player to either learn to play or be a pawn, fit only to be sacrificed.

Then in Summerset, she tells us about Darien's true nature, and as she does so, she refers to him only as an 'it' and 'my knight' - he is not a person, he is a thing, a tool to be used, and most importantly, he is her property. She also claims that meeting the Vestige changed Darien, affected him, but if you paid any attention to Darien in the Covenant questline, you know that that's bullshit. Darien cared about people from the first moment you meet him. He refuses to simply comply with your goals until you've helped him achieve his goal of protecting the people of Camlorn. Everywhere he goes, he's trying to enjoy life despite the shitty situations he finds himself in, he's saving innocent people's lives and protecting them, and when he lets the flirtatious playboy mask drop, he takes his duties as a protector very seriously.

The Golden Knight did not become Darien because of the Vestige, he was already Darien when we met him. Meridia cannot comprehend her Knight developing free will of its own accord, however, and as the Vestige is a Hero with the capacity for defying all odds, they become a reasonable explanation as to why her vessel is suddenly acting like it's a person now and has wants and desires outside of serving her will.

The thing is, Meridia is NOT a fan of her servants caring about things outside of her. And she is even less of a fan when those servants prioritise someone or something else over her entirely. In Summerset, Darien does as she commands, he performs his role and sacrifices his Light to restore the Dawnbreaker, yet she not only denies him the freedom she promised, but she goes on to claim that he betrayed her, as seen here in this message in Dragonhold:

Darien did everything Meridia asked, so what betrayal is she talking about? We have no outright answers, but with everything we know about Meridia, it is most likely the fact that his final sacrifice was committed for the Vestige and not her. Right before he does it, he says that he 'wouldn't do this for anyone else' and reaffirms that fact in his final words, saying 'I did that for my friend, not Meridia'. This sentiment alone constitutes a betrayal in Meridia's eyes because he served his purpose in the name of another instead of her. A similar comparison I can think of is Mystra in Baldur's Gate 3, and what Elminster says about her offer of forgiveness if Gale blows himself up with the Orb. It will be 'her idea of forgiveness'. As a Daedric Prince, what Meridia considers a betrayal might not necessarily be what we would consider a betrayal.

As for the mistake, maybe its to ensure that this time, she will have a perfect vessel that cares only for her and her cause. Maybe the Vestige is the mistake - ZOS still hasn't debunked the theory that the Hooded Messenger from the now disabled quest starter for Soul Shriven in Coldharbour wasn't Meridia in disguise - because they 'changed' her Golden Knight or because they could become a threat to her, so now she has to find a way to deal with them. A Vestige who's completed the base game can even tell Tharayya that she's 'an enemy of an enemy, but not our friend' in Depths of Malatar, meaning they're aware of the fact that she is not someone to be trusted.

To bring this all back to Solstice, we know for a fact that Meridia is suspicious as hell and not to be trusted. She feels betrayed by Darien and was actively seeking a replacement for him after Summerset. She was also suspiciously absent at Mount Kilkreath to the point that some of her followers felt abandoned and lost their faith, and was also absent in Solstice despite the importance her temple played in the finale and as a quest hub, and the fact that she's actively worshipped on Solstice alongside Nocturnal and Azura. The fact that Darien - her Golden Knight - is back and without a peep from her... She's definitely up to something.

4. Conclusions

So we have Darien back but Darien's not Quite Right. And Darien himself even said in his final message that he was fading, and that the Darien we knew would no longer exist, and if we met again, he wouldn't be the same anymore. He was resurrected by a now-purified Light of Meridia in exchange for Gabrielle's life, so what possibilities might we be presented with?

Meridia actively tampered with the resurrection process. She allowed the identity of Darien to be restored to her Knight, but altered and removed memories that inspired his distrust of her, making him a loyal tool once more.

Darien's time in the Void is what affected him and his memories, and Gabrielle's sacrifice wasn't able to undo all of the damage.

Gabrielle's sacrifice restored Darien's identity to the Golden Knight, but he retained only his basegame memories because of Gabrielle's absence in Summerset, which works in Meridia's favour.

If you read all of that, well done to you because this is about 2k words long and this is me when I cut down on the rambling. The raw, unfiltered flow of consciousness would be so much worse and incomprehensible, trust me.

Lemme know what you guys think about all of this and what we might see coming up in Eastern Solstice. I for one really hope against hope that Gabrielle might not be gone for good and that maybe there's more to the Gift of Death's resurrection process than just being a magical macguffin. Of course, Gabrielle coming back would likely mean coming back as a pawn of Meridia's and that would break my fucking heart ;-;

[simplyghasel]

🌑 two sides, one person - discover your different personality traits 🌕

hi 💛

today's reading starts tbh from me lol; i've been struggling for a while to make very different sides of my personality coexist, so i asked myself, why not making a reading about it?

since it's a 50-50 reading, the full version will be in my patreon (i'm on holiday rn so i am focusing on keeping up with paid content first and foremost); here you will see one side of your personality, then, if you'll choose to access to the full reading, you will see a very different, almost opposite sometimes side that still is part of you and coexists with the first one. this reading is both to let yourself have more clarity about your own self and to remind that we are not one dimensional characters, but complex human beings -and that's totally fine

if you choose not to access the full reading, you'll still see black on white (well, depends on your tumblr palette) a side of your personality and i hope that it can still help you see yourself with more clarity

to pick your pile choose the seashell that attracts you the most (i have recently picked them up at the beach and i'm very proud of my lil treasure, if i may say)

[image description: three shells, one white, one beige and one black, on a wooden table, each with written, in pastel purple, respectively "pile 1", "pile 2" and "pile 3"]

reminder that you can also get a reading with me 🫶

pile 1 (white seashell)

first personality trait

eight of cups + gibbous moon "you're very close to your goal" + hematite (269 + pluto (22)

you, pile 1, have your cups ducks in a row. You are very focused on your goals and you are also very organized: you know the steps you need to take to get where you want to go and are seriously focused, committed and prepared to walk them; you may give a lot of importance in having a balnced and organized life; you are also very sure of yourself, almost too focused, but in a good sense: when you have a goal you virtually see nothing else- but you still have enough organization that you're not overlooking anything, you've planned so that this thing can have 100% of your focus and mental energy; it's very mental energy focused, so your current main goal could be something like studying, preparing for a promotion, writing a book … something that requires more mental focus than physical activity; as they said in love actually, you have plans and you plan them to be fullfilled and successfull, but at the same time you also give a lot of importance on proper organization so that you're never too stressed or in a hurry;

🌑link to the full reading 🌕

pile 2 (beige seashell)

first personality trait

the devil + new moon in cancer "you and your loved ones are safe" + celestite (15)

you are a person who wants everything and everyone they care about close and safe; you are not interested in the whole world, you are interested in your little corner of the world, where there's what and who you love; you are probably also connected somehow or still feel close to you also your earthy loved ones who are now in spirit world (both humans and animals i'd say) and this is pretty much the only link you have with spirit world, because you are much more focused on earth life; your priority is to avoid or erease dangers, not only for you but also for your loved ones, so you are probably a very protective person, who likes better a slow life but also knows (and is probably a little scared/nervous because of it) that sometimes we need to defend it from obstacles or dangers; this spread gives a feeling of hidden in your corner of the world, doing your thing with your people; (now i have my little corner of the world from the gilmore girls in my mind)

🌑link to the full reading 🌕

pile 3 (black seashell)

first personality trait

knight of swords + new moon in gemini (communication is fundamental) + green aventurine (25) + mercury (15)

you are, pile 3, a person of the world; you have a lot of connections or you have absolutely no issue to form them when needed (i think that for some of you may be a you're fine by yourself bc you know how to connect with people when you need to); there's something very literal about this aventurine, it gives the energy of someone who is in their own element when on an adventure; you may be or dream to be a full time traveller, but i think you are for sure someone very determined and very determined specifically on going on, moving on, keep going in your path; you know the importance of communication and you may also know how to approach a conversation or a person in the right way, in a kind, but sure, but still polite way that makes them more than willing to help you out in what you need; if you lived in the middle ages i would say you were a typical loner knight, but with a twist: you travelled alone, but knew how to form contact with people wherever you go;

🌑link to the full reading 🌕

[thegirlingold]

How to make spring your season.

My favourite season is spring, like I love the weather, the flora and just the happy, gorgeous and chill yet energetic vibe it gives. I am usually at a great place during spring, like, I consistently exercise, I eat healthy, I'm productive, I smile more and I just glow cause it's just my season. So, maybe you haven't reached your spring peak yet, and thats okay, cause I'm here too help you feel your best and own it. <3

Romanticize it.

Girl, look around you, aren't the flowers gorgeous, isn't the weather just so pleasant. Take a breath of fresh air. Why on earth would u endlessly scroll through insta when you can embrace this and actually do things. You know, doing nothing actually makes you feel more tired and guilty so get off your bed and take a walk, or do pilates, try photography, anything really - as long as it isn't a waste of time. Like there is only 3 months of this peace, no way your going to waste it. Have your main character moments like your hot girl walks and cute cafe study sessions. And think of it this way, summers soon and you wanna be looking and feeling your best so now it the time to step up your game and be the most productive version of yourself.

Create your ideal spring you.

Decide who you want to be this season. Create a vision of the kind of girl you want to embody this spring. Consider appearance, activities, mood, routine and mindset & priorities. In fact you can take out your notebook and write it down or even make a vision board.

Appearance:

-> What hairstyles does she do?

-> What kind of clothes does she wear?

-> Does she wear make up? What style?

Activities:

-> What physical activities does she do?

-> What mental activities does she do?

-> What creative activities does she do?

-> What social activities does she do?

I have a post on 50 Productive habits/things to do which can help with this

Routine:

-> What time does she wake up?

-> What time does she go to bed?

-> How often does she exercise?

-> How long does she study for?

-> What kinds of food does she eat?

Mood:

-> What energy does she exude/bring into a room?

-> How does she treat herself and others?

-> How does she make herself and others feel?

Mindset and Priorities:

-> What are her goals?

-> What are her boundaries?

-> What are the things she does on a daily basis no matter what?

Remove and let go

Literally spring clean your life (pun intended). Like clean up all the dusty self doubts and comparisons and throw out the people who drain your energy, I like to call them 'energy vampires' and wipe off all those unhealthy habits.

Be productive

When your being productive, even though your doing more things, you feel more energetic. This is because productivity creates a sense of accomplishment and momentum which naturally boots your energy. When your productive your going to live this season to its fullest and look back and think of how great a time it was.

When you get things done, your brain releases dopamine, which is a chemical that makes you feel more motivated and energised.

Being productive can can put you in a "flow state," which is when you're deeply focused while enjoying the process.

Procrastination and unfinished tasks bring in stress and mental exhaustion. When you're productive, you clear that mental clutter, making you feel lighter and more energetic.

Swap "waiting" with "doing"

This connects to the productivity part. Sometimes being productive can be hard. I recently watched this Ted Talk, I think it was on how procrastination works, but it explains how procrastination is like a monkey, who just does what it wants to do without a care in the world until deadlines, its greatest fear, enters the room causing it to stress out and end up doing what it was supposed to do. Procrastination causes stress, it is so much better to just get things done, which may see hard to do, but its actually pretty easy. Some ways I deal with procrastination are:

-> The 3, 2, 1 rule

Whenever you have to do sometime and you just want to continue lying down or scrolling or sleeping, etc, just mentally count 3, 2, 1, and immediately get up. This method works so well, especially when your alarm rings and you don't wanna get out of bed or when you don't want to switch of the TV and get your work done

-> Reward yourself

A good example of is actually what I did today. I needed to get my steps in but I had had a very long day of school and was exhausted. I motivated myself to go for the walk by deciding to have a 1.5 hour walk to a mall so that I could window shop and grab a snack after. This helped motivate me to get up and go for the walk. So basically, to motivate you to do things, reward yourself with things that you find fun and makes you happy after you complete what you're supposed to do, wether its getting matcha after you study or going for a long walk but it is to a mall so you get to window shop.

Hope this helps <3

xoxo,

The Girl In Gold

[ireallymisscoffee]

WANTED PLOTS

ok y'all. after 2.06, i'm looking for a few long-term writing partners who are willing to work with my AU main verse that leads us past 2.02. given that this'll be somewhat set in the show more than game universe, we're probs looking for show-based chars when it comes to the canon characters simply bc of the game/tv show differences in these cases. tlou 2.06 spoilers ahead.

ellie

for obvious reasons, ellie is our top priority for this. i would like to find 1-2 ellies who like.. are down to plot and work through the painnnn. would have to be chill with the time jump between abby meets joel and ellie goes to seattle be like 6 weeks instead of 3 fricken months (or shorter). she runs off to seattle while joel's still fighting for his life, comes etc. eventually she comes back and we go au and they work through their shit and all the shit in general. details not set, just... general plot idea.

dina

post porch post abby like... he obv likes her a lot and he saw how ellie looked at her at the dance etc. so despite being couch-bound and still struggling to be alive, he'll wanna hear all about seattle and dina's intentions...

tommy

ummmmm pls? see you next year. in general i'd like joel and tommy jackson things, but joel needs to tell him the truth. the one thing i hate about the s2 changes is joel not telling tommy about the fireflies. we saw them together like twice ...in the entire season. can we pls change that?

jesse

in general? like.... joel def watched him thinking ellie liked him, so he would've indirectly gone through dad!joel evaluation and he also probs went on patrol with him before and i just really like jesse and want jesse for my old grump.

additional plots (eventually potentially shippy)

1) you can't tell me nobody hit on joel in these 6 years. like yes, they all know ellie is his main love, but pls. he's a cute single dad with a big, empty bed. it doesn't have to be instant ships or anything, but joel being awkward when getting flirted at (gimme cute, handsome, confident guys for bonus points) and slowly understanding that maybe he's lovable/desirable. *sobs* can be pre-abby, post-abby or both.

2) a character who’s loved joel quietly, for years. joel who maybe knows, maybe doesn’t. until the right moment breaks that silence.

3) joel doesn’t know how to accept tenderness anymore. someone doesn’t know how to give anything else. it’s slow, cautious, doomed — or maybe it works.

additional plots (platonic though can turn shippy if both sides agree and it's not like with ellie lmaoo)

1) more kids for joel. ofc nobody will ever reach ellie level of love, but joel has so much love and dad-ness to give ...like... pls let him love and protect all the kids.

2) someone teaches joel a non-combat skill (gardening, knitting, cooking) to help him slow down. he’s bad at it, grumbles the whole time, but keeps showing up.

3) joel gets hurt, and for a moment, everyone fears it’s a bite. the aftermath isn’t about relief — it’s about what was almost said. aka joel's on patrol, maybe they get surprised, his partner dies and he gets trapped somewhere and hurt, he's about to radio what happened when the connection breaks.

4) old habits. joel agrees to escort someone across dangerous ground. it’s not the job that breaks him — it’s who they remind him of.

5) joel is asked to train someone too young, too scared, too soft. and he sees too much of himself in what they become.

6) someone else wanting to learn the gee-tar after ellie bragged with hers.

7) generally.... let joel craft please. let him do things for u. let him live his way to show love and make cute things for townsfolk, teach them things etc.

[nanachachasposts]

could u give us a little bit more detail about how ena and strabo plinth feel about coriolanus?

I have been tossing and turning this question in my head since you sent it ngl, so apologies in advance for the extremely long response.

I think the main differences in how they view Coriolanus comes down to their priorities. Ena's priority is Sejanus' happiness while Strabo's is Sejanus' safety. Both obviously care for his safety, otherwise I doubt Ena would have agreed to move to the Capitol in the first place (she certainly doesn't seem happy about it in the book canon), and Strabo most definitely cares for Sejanus' happiness as well, Strabo wants Sejanus to be happy in the Capitol as that is where he'd realistically be the safest. Ena wants Sejanus to be happy, period, making her far more willing to meet him where he's at. I believe they both possess a severe mistrust of Capitol people, though, both due to the fact that they are from District 2 and how they have been treated since moving from there. As a result, neither trusted Coriolanus at first. I think Ena would have been a little more excited by Sejanus' friendship with Coriolanus (as one-sided as it was). Though she did not fully trust him she would have most definitely done whatever she needed to to help foster that connection. Both are characters who seem focused on the long term (we see that in book canon when Ena brings up her worries to Coriolanus about Sejanus' future in the Capitol and how Strabo assures her it will be easier for his future children), so it only makes sense that she would never let Coriolanus know she distrusts him and instead go out of her to be welcoming and kind to him Being as guarded as her husband would only hinder whatever she hopes will blossom between Coriolanus and Sejanus, and she knows that. Plus, she just seems like a nice person in general. I don't think she could bring herself to actually play hardball with a child. Coriolanus has definitely won her over though. Coriolanus has also proven himself to be a friend to Sejanus by defending him publicly, taking the time to come over and spend time with him, and encouraging his own friends to try and befriend him as well - or to play nice, at the very least. While she would have preferred it if people were kind and friendly to Sejanus because of Sejanus and not who he was connected to, I imagine seeing your son be bullied endlessly for years on end would make you pretty desperate for it to stop by any means necessary. Plus, you know that freak was playing up the charming intelligent nice boy persona to the best of his abilities while around her.

Strabo views Coriolanus as an investment. This is, first and foremost, a business deal to him. He funds the Snows' life, and they lend his family their respect and reputation. I think Strabo and Coriolanus are similar in the sense that they are always studying people and trying to size them up. For a District man to build a business so profitable that he can not only buy his way into the Capitol, but into the upper echelon of it (while, for a moment in time, competing directly with someone as famously cruel and cutthroat as Coriolanus' father), he'd have to be that sort of person. When choosing between Coriolanus and Tigris, the answer was easy for him. Sejanus is gay, but even if he was willing to ignore that fact just meeting the two cousins would have told him everything he needed to know. If Sejanus is entirely unwilling to engage with the munitions business (though I'm sure behind the scenes he is doing whatever he can to try and change that), then he at least needs a spouse who would be willing to do so in his stead. Tigris is an obviously kind person, and while her family was previously involved in weapons it's doubtful that she herself would have gotten her hands dirty. Coriolanus would very clearly have no qualms about that. And like I said before, Strabo cares for Sejanus' happiness but what he wants is for Sejanus to be happy with his life in the Capitol. There's no telling if Tigris would have been willing to run off to the District's with him (probably not, given the hunger games of it all but you never know what a bleeding heart will do to make someone else happy), but I think it'd be very obvious right away that that is something Coriolanus would never in a million years agree to. Sejanus having an obvious crush on his friend only helps seal the deal - if he can arrange it so that Sejanus is with the boy that he likes, then that'll make him happy. If that boy is unwilling to leave the Capitol, then Sejanus would have no choice but to stay there and be happy about it. Still, I think he trusts Coriolanus far less than Ena has grown to. Yes, he has proven he's willing to protect Sejanus and is certainly not stupid enough to throw away a future fortune, but he's familiar enough with his father to see the obvious similarities. He knows that whatever Coriolanus does for Sejanus is really for his own benefit. But as of right now, this is a business deal that favors him heavily. If Coriolanus messes up too badly before they can get married, he'll have no issue pulling the plug and leaving the Snow's high and dry, no matter what Sejanus and Ena have to say about it.

[lemontreefantasy]

Sails and Anchors pt. 4 (FINAL)

pairing: captain!hongjoong x barmaid!reader

genre: smut

wc: 3k

warnings: fighting, a chase scene, sexy scenes

Part 4 - Raise the Anchor

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Hongjoong’s last words echoed throughout your mind for weeks. It was no surprise that after the commotion he caused he disappeared, yet again. You hadn’t heard from seonghwa since then and you dare not reach out to him either. Keeping a low profile was now your main priority but you wondered why seonghwa hadn’t visited you if he was so concerned about your well-being. 

A busying pace lasted for as long as you could remember at the bar, not that you were complaining but there was almost no time for you to rekindle your connection with the woman who told you about your sudden inheritance. You decided to take some time off from the bar to pay the city a visit.

~

“Come sit, darling,” she ushers you to sit.

“My apologies for not visiting you earlier,” you mention.

“Nonsense, I know you are a busy woman. Let us get to the specifics now, shall we?” she says walking into the room with a large tray with a full pot of tea and two small teacups.

“I’m going to be very blunt with you. Your father was very loved by the city. His charity, successful investments and other great feats were building blocks of his career. But as there are persons who love, so are there the ones with jealousy and envy in their hearts. I’m warning you, there will be many persons who will try to come into your life now that he has passed because you are now the sole inheritor of his wealth. Do with that statement what you please, but don’t say I didn’t mention this to you earlier.”

Her stern chat with you had you pensive for the journey back home. It was no secret that your father had assets and a great investment portfolio but you never grew up eating on a silver platter. You had somewhat of a normal life. You started thinking about everyone you had met since the passing of your father.

Were they being nice to me only because of who my father was? 

What do they even think they would get from me?

Many thoughts spiraled through your mind. 

That was until you saw seonghwa... patrolling the city, walking in your direction. 

Suddenly, a hand is plastered over your mouth and you’re pulled into a dark alley way. A mysterious man with the wide-brimmed hat, similar to that of your old lovers’, manages to enter your line of sight. But you realize gaze that now holds you is far from familiar.

He shushes you as he pulls you further into the darkness to conceal the both of you.

“Time’s running out boss… have you decided yet?”

“Give me a few more days. She’s more valuable to us alive.”

You notice the two figures pass by and to your surprise, you couldn’t believe your eyes. Seonghwa and one of his comrades walk past the both of you, failing to recognize your presence in the alley. Confused and scared, you had no idea what to process first. The fact that you made sweet love to Seonghwa and now he is possibly plotting to kill you or that an absolute stranger is holding you against your will in a very suspicious location.

He waits for Seonghwa and the other man to walk a fair distance from you both before asking you a question, “If I let you go, will you promise not to scream or run? I need to speak to you urgently,” Nodding your head furiously, he gently releases his grasp on you and you slowly turn around to face the unidentified man.

“My name is Jongho. I work for Hongjoong. He sent me here to protect you. I must get you back home before I explain anymore details. Please, trust me. We have no time to waste.”

As if you had any say in the matter, you were back home in your study with Jongho. He explained to you that it was to dangerous for Hongjoong himself to explain the mischief that has been going on in the city. Seonghwa was a rogue military assassin. He had been doing undercover jobs and many instances of racketeering. He told you about how the old government had hired Seonghwa to infiltrate the lives of prominent businessmen in order to swindle funds from them. You so happened to be one of his targets. He never wanted you, he only wanted to get his hands on your inheritance to keep the corrupt old governors happy while filling his pocket. It was a crude story of scheming alliances that was way too technical for you to understand but the main concern to you was that Seonghwa was after you. You had no idea how, when or what plan he was devising but you were in grave danger.

~

After a busy night at the tavern, you soothe your aching muscles from behind the counter as you watch your barmaids tidy up for the night. Putting the glasses on the shelves, arranging stools and tables and packing away liquor bottles, you have a seat and meditate on the day as the roars of drunken men have subsided. 

Eventually you bid farewell to your workers and return to your study upstairs. As you close the door behind you, a familiar scent hits your nose and suddenly, your pores raise as you recognize its origin. 

Seonghwa’s cologne. 

“Hello darling...”

You slowly turn around, trying your best to hide the fear on your face. You could cut the tension in the room with a dull butter knife.

“Seonghwa... what are you doing here?” you ask hesitantly.

“Just paying you a late night visit. That’s all. How have you been doing?” he asks, slowly walking toward you.

“F-fine, I’m fine,” you stammered out to him.

How the hell did he even get in here? Was he waiting in your room all night long?

It was like an alarm went off in your brain. Flight or fight responses kicking in. You knew this man was going to hurt you. You knew he wanted you hold you captive and there was no one around to help you. All those times that Seonghwa spent with you as a lie. A scheming plot to get hold of money. You had to escape, but how? You couldn’t run downstairs, you had no weapon up your skirt. 

What the hell am I going to do?

You lunge at Seonghwa and he draws his knife but you knee him in the groin. As he clutches his nether region, you run towards your bedroom window and jump. Adrenaline pumping, you dress linens dancing in the wind of your descent were luckily spotted by Jongho who was ironically on his way to visit you. You could thank your lucky stars when you feel his hands around you as you both find yourselves laid on the stony pathway. You grab Jongho’s hands with haste as you stand up, dragging him away from your tavern. 

“We need to hide!”

The both of you scuffle to a dark alley way, similar to that of one which you had both met previously.

“It’s Seonghwa,” you whisper, “he was in my study... he- he tried to kill me,” you whisper as you try to catch your breath.

“We should leave.” 

“What do you mean leave?” 

“You need to leave this place. It’s not safe for you here anymore,” Jongho insists.

“I can’t leave?! What about my business? What about my workers?” 

“You can’t have a business if you’re dead.”

He grabs you by the hand and leads you through the burrows of the outskirts of the city. He covers your head so as to not expose your identity to any of Seonghwa’s men who may be lurking. Eventually you both arrive at the very end of the dock. It’s lonely and dark, with the only light source coming from a decent-sized ship in front of you and the moonlight. As if your arrival was expected, the men on the ship immediately start assembling the gangway for you and Jongho.

“Stop right there! You filthy bastard pirates stop right there!!” 

Men.

Seonghwa’s men to be specific, were now emerging from the darkness. 

You were being followed. 

You and Jongho scramble onto the steps as the crewmen yanked you over and removed the gangway. Jongho sheltered your head and hurried you into the cabin. Clicking noises fade in the distance as the crewmen load their guns and booming shots fill the air. 

“RAISE THE ANCHOR!” you hear someone yell.

With his hand on your covered head, Jongho shields you to a storage room in the ship and hides you in an old wooden cupboard. Desperate and afraid, you could do nothing but sit and listen to the gunshots and commands being belted out.

Meanwhile, the deck was chaotic. Rogue officers began climbing the ship just to get aboard only to unfortunately be shot down by the crewmen who were dressed more like militants than pirates. Those who were successful in scaling the large wooden ship were given a fatal beating. But they were good at what they did, and not a single man was able to get to you. It was safe to say that the mission put together by Seonghwa and his men was indeed a great failure.

Thirty minutes later, you feel the ship begin to sway and almost causes you to tumble out of the cupboard. With your brows covered in cold sweat and butterflies multiplying in your belly, you decide to risk your exit as the sound of blasting gunshots had ceased.

You grabbed a rusty kitchen knife and slightly cracked the door open only to see Jongho again, in transit to see you and inform you that the captain was waiting to see you.

The captain…

You cautiously followed Jongho upstairs the to captain’s quarters, where he excused himself and ushered you to enter the wooden door.

And there he was, standing, looking out of the small window in his room as his ship now sailed away from that forbidden city. He turned around and walked up to you with a deadly slow pace. Upon reaching your body, he raised a hand to cup your face making you look him in eyes.

“My sweet girl. I finally have you here with me,” he whispered while softly caressing your cheek.

You remain silent. His gentle touch brought back violent memories of his abandonment. The same touch you yearned for for years, now left a bad taste on your tongue.

“Why did you do all this?” you ask, avoiding his gaze. “The spies, the chaos. Why couldn’t you just leave me be.”

“You know why” he responds, “I told you about him. I always knew the kind of man he was. How could I leave you in that place knowing that his sick mind was plotting against you.”

“So how much of it do you want…”

“I’m not sure of what you’re asking me, darling.”

“How much of it do you want... You wouldn’t have saved me if it meant that some sort of compensation was offered.”

Hongjoong chuckles and slowly steps back.

“You do know that I do not love you any less than the day that I first met you, right? It was my fault for leaving, I acknowledge that. But it didn’t make me care about you any less. On my voyages, all I could think about was your smile, our conversations, laughing at all our silly jokes… I- I had never felt such attachment to anyone or anything in my life before I met you,: he says holding his gaze at the floor.

“The odds just didn’t seem to work in my favor whenever I was in that cursed city. I had to be discreet and you know that. I couldn’t show my face on Seonghwa’s ground, else I’d be in big trouble. That’s where Jongho came in. I knew he was capable enough to keep you safe in case something like this were to happen. Luckily enough, we were docked here when this whole scenario took place, or else... you might not have been here with us right now.”

You lean onto an old wooden wardrobe in the room and eagerly listen to his explanation. The fear and anger slowly dissipated from your mind.

“I know I’ve done some questionable things in the past... things that I will never expect you to forgive me for. But this... this is all I ever wanted for you, for us. Just being here with you, the one thing that we couldn’t do for years.

If you choose to never love me again, I knew that the least I could do was protect you from people like Seonghwa.

As for your question, I’ve seen many places in my lifetime. I’ve experienced many things and encountered wealth beyond my understanding. And despite all those things, I still longed for you beside me. Your love was priceless compared to all those things.“

Hongjoong walks towards you and wraps an arm around your waist with his hand on your cheek once more, holding you mere inches away from his face.

“Stay with me, please. As long as I live, I will protect you.”

As the gap between your faces close, you feel his lips press against yours and the grip on your waist tighten so much as if he was preventing you from running away. Memories flash in your mind from the first time you kissed him. It felt like you were finally home.

Deepening the kiss, a slow and careful tread to his bed ensued. He pinned you down gently but his grip was strong. Taling your wrists in his hands, his head dipped into the crook of your neck to leave a trail of dark red bruises along your exposed skin.

Your breathing heightened as you grabbed onto his silky white shirt for support. Slowly, you felt your dress being pulled lower, to reveal your breasts. It had been indeed a while since you were exposed to anyone, especially like this. But you couldn’t hide due to your restraints. You felt a warm sensation engulf your nipples and Hongjoong groaned against your chest upon hearing your noises caused by his minstrations.

“H-hongjoong…”

“Mmmmm- yes my dear?”

“I need you. I-I need you now… please. I can’t take it anymore.”

“Tell me exactly what you want, princess,” he whispers in your ear.

“I need you inside me, please. I miss having your cock inside me.”

Like a moth to a flame, no extra thought was spared. He immediately ripped your flimsy dress off of you and planted kisses down your torso. Very soon, his hands leave your wrists and begin parting your legs wide open, giving him a full view. You could see his bulge practically bursting from his trousers’ seams.

You feel his hands drape down the sides of your legs until you feel him play the hem of your lace panties.

“May I…?”

“Yes, please dear God.”

You watched as he slowly pulled the white fabric from your legs, now suspended in the air.

Lowering his head, you feel his tongue swipe across the one place you need it the most, causing your body to jolt as you let out a needy shriek. Your hands reach down to grip his soft locks, pushing him into you even deeper. You feel his slick muscle enter you with his thumb lightly massaging your sensitive bud. Pure ecstasy flooded your mind as you felt fingers reach up to play with your breasts.

“C-coming, i’m coming,”

Pulling himself away, he trailed kisses back up to your neck. For sure you would have to hide a few marks tomorrow morning.

You feel his naked member brush along your folds signaling his readiness.

“I need you. Give it to me,” you pleaded with Hongjoong, arms wrapped around his neck.

Slowly you feel him breach your walls, a pain so sweet now filling you up. Oh how you missed this feeling, how you craved it. He knew how badly you needed it. Climbing over you, Hongjoong tilted his pelvis and quickened his pace. A pace so rapid, that your pleasure was too abundant to hear the squeaking bedframe. What you do hear is hongjoong’s heavy groans as he buried his head in the crook of your neck as he slammed into your weeping cunt.

Soon you feel him hit the sweet spot inside of you and your climax was fast approaching. With a few more strokes you whimpered as you contracted around his cock, desperately gripping onto hongjoong’s back.

“Cum for me, darling,” he demands with his face right above yours, eyes piercing into your soul.

“I love you…” you whisper.

“I love you too baby.”

Noises of desperation left your mouth as you reached your high. Hongjoong took the initiative to sit up and hold your legs spread as he watched your body recoil from his thrusts.

“Almost there baby-”

A few seconds later you feel a warm sensation fill you up and the weight of you lover now heavy on top of you. With the both of you exhausted and out of breath, you lay there a while. Drowsiness almost took over your body until you feel a warm embrace cleaning up the mess between your legs and water being coaxed at your lips.

There was no worry in the world for you anymore. Your mind was in absolute bliss. The world could come crumbling down and you would not care. All that mattered was that you were with the one person you loved the most. He was here for you now and there was no looking back.

~ The rustling of the waves colliding with the ship woke you the next morning. Rising to your feet, you walked out into the open deck of the ship where you spotted your lover sitting at the bow of the ship. With a subtle smile, you meet him there. Hongjoong stands to embrace your warm figure, slowly pulls something out of his pocket and kneels before you.

A ring. Encrusted with the finest gems you ever saw. You didn’t care where it came from. It was yours now.

“Stay with me, forever, please. I promise I will never let you out of my sight from now on.”

Placing the jewelry on your finger, he encapsulates his love with a kiss. A gesture to commence the years of adventure to come for the both of you.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

a/n: happily ever after the end. feel free to reblog/tag ur friends <3

tags: @cat54321 @iwannabemyselfff @stayoffmybyunsworld @quinnofdisaster13 @corvidqueen319 @star-0813 @marievllr-abg @katelynnsqueendom @eclecticranchzonkcookie @supernintendobabe @ateezourstars​ @voidcupidz @atinyreads @hwaspetals @teezen @joongiesmoon @n0v4t33z​ @norassimpingzone​ @licorne-manon​ @iveivory​ @quinnofdisaster13​ @oingeboinge​ @calipsou​ 

[andthecityisvienna]

Friends, or the Greatest Love Story of All?

We spend our lives believing that love is the ultimate goal, that the holy grail of human connection is finding that one person who will complete us. But what about the friendships that shape us, sustain us, and—dare I say—save us? The ones who show up with ice cream and your favourite drink when your heart is broken, who listen to you spiral over text at 2 AM, who tell you that yes, you should absolutely buy that jacket even if it cost half your rent. Friendship, at its best, is a relationship—just without the sex. So why does the world treat it like a consolation prize?

I recently lost a friend. Not in the “she moved away, and we just grew apart” kind of way, but in the “one day she decided she didn’t need me anymore, and now I’m out of her life for good” kind of way. It was dramatic, painful, and I still can’t quite believe it happened. But, I tell myself, at least she’s still out there. Alive. Somewhere, living her dream life… just not with me in it.

She was the one I called first, the one who understood me without words. She was my person. And then, without warning, one day, she wasn’t. Not in the sense that she disappeared—she’s still out there, probably making someone else laugh the way she used to make me laugh. But she left me. Left our friendship behind the moment that things got tough. And just like that, it was over.

At first, I told myself stuff like “people change, priorities shift”. When she met someone, I expected things to change, but I never imagined I’d be completely erased from her life. I understood that relationships take time and energy, but I never thought our friendship would become something disposable, something to be swapped out for something more official, more valid in the eyes of the world.

Because that’s the thing, isn’t it? Romantic relationships are seen as the pinnacle of human connection, the gold standard, while friendships are treated as placeholders. We celebrate anniversaries for couples, but not the friends who have stuck by our side for decades. We throw parties for engagements but don’t acknowledge the friendships that have seen us through heartbreak, career changes, and existential crises. Why is one kind of relationship — one kind of love — considered superior to another?

Losing a friend isn’t like losing a partner. There’s no breakup conversation, no defined ending, no roadmap for healing. We don’t break up with our friends in the same way we do lovers. There’s no dramatic goodbye, no tearful closure. Instead, it’s a slow fade, a gradual unspooling of threads that once held us together. And maybe that’s what makes it hurt more. Because one day, you wake up and realize that someone who was once your home is now just a memory.

Maybe friendships aren’t always meant to last forever. Maybe some are seasonal, here for a reason, a lesson, a moment. But even if that’s true, it doesn’t make the loss any easier. It doesn’t erase the ache of knowing you were once chosen and now you are not. And so, I sit here, sipping my tea, wondering—when did being “just” a friend become not enough?

As I ponder this, I think about all the relationships we navigate—romantic, platonic, professional. Just like dating, friendships require effort, attention, and a willingness to show up. And yet, the moment romance enters the picture, friendships are expected to take a back seat. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe we’ve been conditioned to believe that friendship is merely a placeholder for love, rather than a love of its own. Because when you strip away the grand gestures, the labels, the societal expectations… what’s left? A connection, a bond, a relationship that’s just as real, just as meaningful, just as worth fighting for.

So, where does that leave me? Still grieving, still wondering, but not questioning the importance of friendship—because I always knew it was the main event. The real question is: when will the world realize friendship is the love story worth celebrating?

-J

[goddamnwebcomics]

Unbreakable Bond Saga

It’s a Sonic the Hedgehog gender-swap porn comic by Miss Phase.

While on another adventure, Sonic and Tails run into one of Eggman’s newer traps that ends up transforming the duo, turning Sonic into a buxom bimbo and Tails into a chad. With this change came the two experiencing brand new sexual feelings for each other that they’ve never felt before and eventually deciding to equally change their whole dynamic and hero roles. Of course, this change isn’t met well by everyone, as the two have to stop a group of violent protesters known as the “True Sonics,” who are led by a mysterious leader connected to their past. 

I’m not going to sugarcoat it. This comic is terrible. Yeah, I’m aware that’s expected for a porn comic, but this one just doesn’t feel like a Sonic comic at all. It feels like the artist wanted to write a story about their own characters going through your usual hackneyed gender-changing porn story with some out-of-place discussion of trans rights but decided to shove in Sonic iconography so people could be hooked by it. 

I’m not exaggerating when I say how nothing really belongs together in this three-part story. Everyone feels so wildly out-of-character they may as well have been story originals; the trans message is muddied by the fact it’s a porn comic featuring main character Sonic the Hedgehog being used as some cheap glory hole by everyone, and somehow that’s empowering, and the story is so contrived that it’s somehow more insulting than Phase’s later comic, Chief Operative Whore. 

Considering how the comic seems to have been written during and after the artist’s own transition in real life, it starts making sense, but, as I’ve said, it’s ruined by the fact it’s still a porn premise, so there’s no surprise that it butts heads with the somewhat emotional topic of Sonic just deciding that he was unhappy with the status quo and being happy with living as a slutty nurse.

The art is good, but that’s the only positive I can say about it. 

Comics in order:

Unbreakable Bond

Irresistible Nature Parts 1 & 2

Oh my god, well everything you said makes this a high priority comic. Considering Thief of Virtue isn’t very long, the followup poll will likely just be fancomics like this one. This makes me want to bite into this comic.

Also good for the author for transistioning, but there are better stories to write about that, especially with canon characters. It’s not like Trans Sonic headcanons are uncommon.

[falllpoutboy]

Hello, this is tarot reader #3 again. I know I said I’m done for the year but I had just come from an event as a reader (which is why I had to reserve energy before and after) and had time/energy to spare since it wasn’t as tiring as l had anticipated.

In the mean time while no one has approached my booth yet, and with some inspiration from OG reader’s latest reading, I felt compelled to read two things 1) what are 🍀’s main issues with 🦈 (aka the main baggage’s that scare her on top of the intensity of his feelings and her fear of diving in and going deep as already specified by OG reader) and for some optimism 2) what would their future turn out like when they do work on their respective things that need to be worked on.

I wanna say I want to keep this short though I do tend to be carried away. So without further adieu:

1) what are 🍀’s main setbacks in relation to 🦈? Could include external/internal stuff (his emotional intensity has already been established so these will be new things)

I wanted to see how him being a dad makes her feel - keep in mind there is fear and just generally not being ready given the weight of having children involved. However, there is something interesting that she is trying to deny her own feelings about kids. She’s great with them in general and she wants to be stubborn and practical that right now they are not right for her. At some point she might have even said that she won’t be a mom. She’s rattled by how him being a dad changes her mind. 🍀 wants to stick to her guns. I’m getting “I can’t be swayed to change my opinions just because of how I feel about him.” This makes her withdraw even more. She’s trying hard to practice the concept of sleeping on it as she doesn’t want to make snap judgments but so far everything with him is making her want the opposite of what she thought she wanted. 🍀 likes to preempt and catastropize, already preparing that 🦈’s main priority will be his kids. While 🦈 has many things to work on, this is one part 🍀 needs to mature in, she needs to just surrender and not try to predict. Above it all, she needs to cut herself some slack and give herself more credit. In this regard, she’s more understanding that she lets on/isn’t as selfish as she thinks she is and preparing that she won’t be his priority is something she needs to unlearn since it’s two very separate things that right now, given the influx of everything she’s going through, she likes to lump it all together and use as her it a top excuse to keep their connection from growing for now.

2. She sees him as too trigger happy. Once again, pre-empting. Yes she knows him and she sees how he is with others. He tells her it’s different with her but she’s struggling to believe this.

3. Being with him is “too easy.” Not in the sense that they just fell into each other’s arms just like that but the comfort she has with him is so new to her since she is used to some chaos when it comes to relationships. She wants to work hard for things in general but this connection seems to just flow. There is fear of losing it because she feels that she hasn’t earned it. This is sad on her side but honestly, it’s a lot of work on her end, especially the realisation that she deserves to be romantically happy. Her work ethic is bleeding into her personal life.

4. Slightly similar to #2, she’s scared that their passion for each other now won’t last. Now, an important question she can ask herself is “how will you know if you don’t give it a shot? Why put the cart before the horse by anticipating the ending before you even allow it to start?” There is a denial of how much it will devastate her if they won’t work out since she’s also trying to save face if this happens. She has to uncover her feelings for him first and just let go.

Now, there’s always been a strong indication that 🍀 and 🦈 will work on what they have to work on and eventually find their way to each other. It will take time but the time is needed as there’s a big, if not guaranteed chance, it’s a sure fire thing. As OG reader and I have read through our own card pulls, they are twin flames. I will reiterate that twin flames, while they can be beautiful, they can also be tricky. Your twin flames can mirror your issues unless you get to the point in which you individually have a good handle on it so this case of mirroring the unnecessary parts isn’t as frequent and if it happens, it will be processed in the best way possible. Since they’re having their time apart, they’re already on their way. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, as they say, and they’ve already taken a few.

So, what does 🍀 and 🦈’s future look like (highest potential)?

1) reconciliation and healing definitely. A lot of their individual growths from their time apart will come together as they learn to heal together. On 🍀’s part, it’s the acceptance that she needs him and she won’t be weak for admitting so. Vulnerability is an asset. And he’s teaching her that if only she’s more of a willing student, which she will be. On 🦈’s end, he will learn to ground himself more - which is important when it comes to the next part since he is enamoured with having a fairy tale ending and being with someone who prefers evidence, proof, and commitment.

2) it won’t be smooth sailing. They might be caught up with thinking that once they’ve hit their sweet spot, it’ll be the answer to every issue they have. It won’t be but this is not hard to get past. Harmony, is a huge part of their renewed connection. They just have to lean into it and the honesty they have with each other now needs to be invested back into their honestly with themselves. Earlier, the peace/“too easy” fear of 🍀 was mentioned and this comes back again. The cards give an insight of domesticity and family (dare I say, kids/expansion of family), and this is both a source of joy and being restless for them - the peace of it all. 🍀 wants to work more and even 🦈 does too. They just have to touch base on their wants and needs to acquire/recalibrate the balance of their personal/professional lives. They will become one until one of them questions is it too much of being one? Both of them are go-getters in their own ways, fulfilment will be hard for them as they are always looking for the next best thing. It’s not bad to be so, they just need to foster the ability to be present and appreciate what they have and use it as inspiration vs. a reason for frustration.

One reader brought up Ashton kutcher and Mika kunis and while there are some slight similarities, 🍀 and 🦈 seem to be more similar with Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig when it comes to vibes (not sure if it’s the timeline but the calmness/public attention part of it all).

I want to say I will take my intended leave until the new year now but here we are. As I’ve learned, especially after reading for these two crazy kids, never say never - so, maybe if the calling strikes, I’ll see y’all again sooner than I had initially planned.Thank you ✨

received november 4, 2024

[callipraxia]

"Let's press restart and try again": Thoughts on Fate, Prophecy, New Lore, and the Afterlife in Gravity Falls

So, the fun ain’t even half-over yet (I haven't even read half the new onine goodies yet...), but I have nevertheless started to move past my silly-first-reactions stage to The Book of Bill and back to over-analyzing the text. And one of the better-organized thoughts I’ve had is, “...so, that Theraprism, and the Axolotl, and....”  

In the Message From: The Theraprism, Bill’s...therapist (?) informs us, in what I, at least, read as a slightly disturbingly cheery tone, that “with good behavior, [residents] have many exciting options for reincarnation – perhaps as a newt, shrimp, or a cloud of fungal spores!” On the next page, we see that someone has been declared “Cured!” and “Ready to reincarnate as: butterfly.” Getting out of the Theraprism is a real possibility ("even if it takes forever. Especially if it takes forever..."), but to do so, it seems, you have to end up in a far more radically different form than the original Axolotl poem ever, as far as I know, led any of us to guess. 

So...it seems that Bill is not, in fact, deader-than-dead. He can, eventually, even get out of his current predicament and start a new life, if he passes various tests. Ax was as good as his word on that one. But his options are ‘remain forever in a facility for the criminally insane’ or ‘be reincarnated as something non-sentient.’ Which is...probably not exactly what Bill thought he was signing up for, is it?

Not, for the record, that I feel bad for him for getting screwed over – he did as bad or worse to everyone he ever made a deal with. I’ve also written before about my idea that the fundamental flaw in Bill’s perception is a deep-seated need for control and fear of losing control, a need that runs so deep that he cannot quite understand how anyone else might have a priority higher than self-preservation. If I’m right about that, then proof that Bill has been cured could well look like willingly giving up all sense of identity and starting over as an insect. It starts getting tricksy, though, when we get to the question of ‘and then what?’

Since the release of the secret pages of Time Pirates' Treasure at least, if not earlier, it has been speculated that there may be a link between the GF-verse's celestial salamander, the Axolotl, and the ancient Aztec deity for which axolotls are named, Xolotl. At this point, it seems fair enough to take Bill’s ultimate situation as a nod to the fact that the Aztec deity Xolotl was a death-god – specifically, he acted as a psychopomp, escorting people from life to death. Xolotl was also the god of deformity, twins, and fire/lightning (1), so it was already a good bet that he was somehow involved in this story just based on the composition of the main cast, with its two sets of twins and twin sets where each had one twin with unusual physical features; the question was, since the Axolotl showed no obvious fire or lightning affiliations, if he'd end up associated more with Bill or with the Axolotl. The Axolotl's implied authority over whether Bill gets “one more tri” would seem to make him more powerful than the god, but it also seems like decent evidence for the link existing between Xolotl and the Axolotl. As for whether they’re the same....

One major aspect of Xolotl which has no canon representation is that Xolotl was not only a god of twins, but also a twin himself (2). Since Bill refers to himself and the Axolotl both as gods, though, it seems unlikely that the Axolotl is meant to be a Big G-God. This makes it reasonable to hypothesize that he could have a sibling offscreen, but despite all the hints pointing toward the twin god, the Axolotl is alone during both of his canon appearances (3). There’s also no obvious connection between the Axolotl and fire or lightning, though again, this could simply be a matter of information we don’t have. New lore about the Axolotl that doesn’t quite seem to match with Xolotl, though, is that he’s...apparently operating in some form of Hinduism?

Disclaimer: I don't know much about Hinduism. I read a couple of books before writing this, but I am under no illusions that I have read anywhere near enough to properly understand the subject. If I say anything that is incorrect or offensive, I'd be grateful to anyone who let me know so that I could fix the error as soon as possible. Come to that - while I've read a lot more about classical Mesoamerican religions than I have about Hinduism, the fact remains that I got all my books from public libraries and many - indeed, probably most - of them were doubtless outdated, so let me know if you see that I've screwed up something there, too. That said...let's look at this apparent jump between systems.

The reason why I found a couple of books about Hinduism while coming up with the idea for this post is on the first page about Bill's stay in the Theraprism. When Bill is committed, he is recommended "indefinite karmic rehabilitation" before he can be offered a chance to reincarnate. The term 'karma' is sometimes used casually, of course, outside of its religious context, but from my (limited) reading, the situation Bill is in actually does seem to be akin to the religious concept. After his death, Bill is confined a facility for repentance - a sort of purgatory, only except instead of going on to a good afterlife once he's been purified, as he might from Christian purgatory, he'll instead go back into (a) world in some other, radically different form. Aztec religion, admittedly, also involved reincarnation, but manner of death seems to have been more important than conduct during life did - the Aztecs have this in common with the Norse, though the Aztecs beat both the Norse and Hinduism in the number of potential afterlives available in their systems. I also can't recall ever seeing the notion of universal reincarnation or anything like moksha, the Hindu concept of achieving release from the cycle of death and rebirth through accumulation of good karma, in any materials I've read about Aztec religion. It is unclear whether any such idea exists in the afterlives presided over by the Axolotl, either, but it is implied that Bill did have a choice in the matter of whether or not to accept the Axolotl's deal - maybe no options he'd like, but at least two options nevertheless. However, since Bill is the opposite of someone with good karma, as indicated by his admission file, it seems unlikely that he was offered an opportunity to assimilate with the godhead without expunging his sins. What, then, was his other option? Nonexistence? And what happens to everyone else? Is this cycle in effect for everyone or just paranormal entities?

It's worth noting that Bill shares many traits with the ghosts in "The Inconveniencing": they are intangible, they are capable of possessing the bodies of others, they have a particular ability to influence those who are in a somehow impaired (Bill: sleeping; Duskertons: high on Smile Dip) state, and they have at least some reality-warping powers. Bill's may exist on a larger scale, but there is enough overlap to make it seem plausible that Bill had already 'died' (in some sense of the term) long before the events of canon. Bill also offers his followers, or at least selected followers, opportunities to ascend to immortal and intrinsically powerful status as well; add to that the earlier point about how casually Bill refers to both himself and the Axolotl as 'gods' and it seems that immortality may be relatively achievable in the GF-verse (if at the cost of things like your soul, sanity, access to your physical senses, and the cleanliness of your interdimensional criminal record), which leaves open the possibility that there could be enough supernatural entities out there for them to require their own afterlife protocols and post-mortem bureaucracy. The Henchmaniacs are implied to be less powerful than Bill, but still significantly more powerful and long-lived than they have any business being, if the note in The Book of Bill about Hectorgon starting out as a lawman (lawshape?) trying to arrest Bill before joining him is anything to go by, and Bill becomes positively gleeful when talking about some of the paths Ford might have taken:

"I took a little peek through his possible futures and giggled with delight. He was destined for so much more...it was suddenly so clear. The Shaman's zodiac wasn't a cage meant to trap me; it was a TRICK to try to keep me away from the humans I could USE! Me and Sixer would be the perfect team...."

The Book of Bill shows that Bill can lie with impunity, but on balance, the evidence still indicates that his deals have to involve a certain amount of truth, if only from a very particular point of view when he's in the stronger bargaining position. It seems...reasonably safe to take him at his word that, having become a monster himself, he can make monsters of others. The implication is that small gods, in the GF-verse, are formed basically the same way as vampires: the price is too high for any sane person to pay and the number of 'families' (pantheons?) is probably relatively limited, there never will be anything like as many players of the 'game' Bill alludes to in his petition to the Axolotl as there are normal mortals, but in theory, anyone reckless and ruthless enough could, with a touch of luck, transcend mortality. The number who do might be small compared to the overall number of beings in the multiverse, but it still isn't likely to be an especially small number. A system where would-be immortals operate under different conditions than mortals would be reasonable enough in this context, but we don't have enough evidence to say one way or the other right now, at least not unless something's hit the notawebsite that I haven't seen yet. The implied ability of creatures to duck death, though, combined with the choice Bill is offered, nevertheless acts as another point against the idea that the Axolotl is in any way omnipotent or omniscient: it's more powerful than Bill, which is frighteningly powerful, but presumably, it could not compel Bill to take the offer, no more than Bill could technically force Ford to allow him back into his mind during Weirdmageddon. If Bill is telling the truth about there being many worlds where Ford did end up joining the Henchmaniacs, then even prophecy is not absolute. Incredible power exists in this universe, but so does free will. The characters' choices matter, without any sophistry being necessary to reconcile this with the existence of prophecy; perhaps Bill is even right and the Zodiac could have just easily served him as opposed him, just as the Oracle's prophecy to Ford technically had at least two options built into it. This is not a system I have often seen used in series with prophecy, but I must say, I kinda like it.

Ultimately, of course, it's unlikely that the Axolotl cult is exactly like any real religion, whether widely practiced today or not. The show does, ultimately, have its own messages to convey and its own storytelling (or, often enough, joke-making) mechanics to operate under which are distinct from those of our world. It is interesting, though, to consider what these real-world allusions could imply for worldbuilding as we all merrily launch into our next round of fics...

Though that reminds me: Puppet Hour. What does that mean? What are the therapists (at least one of whom appears to worship an entity with referral privileges) talking about when they say that? Why do they call it that, especially in such close proximity to mention of journaling, when Ford's the Author of the Journals and also the 'puppet' in Bill's show of the same name as this alleged therapy exercise? What exactly is going on here? I have no idea, but if anyone else has a theory, please let me know about it, I'm sure this means something but have no idea what it could be.

Notes:

The Aztecs had several gods whose domains included fire. They also had multiple gods associated with death, though Xolotl’s the only psychopomp I can recall in their pantheon.

For FWJB readers - there's a lore dump here, if anyone wants to read that.

One potential answer to this puzzle may be that Bill is his 'other half,' since they are called 'the opposites' in the poem at the end of The Book of Bill. Bill's comment about siblings to Mabel in "Sock Opera" ("who would give up everything they've worked for just for their dumb sibling?") could also imply that his family problems didn't end with his parents. However, this is unlikely for several reasons. For one thing, although Bill can assume any shape he pleases in the Dreamscape ("Dreamscaperers") and easily alter his physical form during Weirdmageddon, he seems to prefer to stick to triangles and pyramids, close to the shape he was when he was 'born.' Him having a brother who is a salamander would be...novel. For another thing, if Bill did have a brother, then said brother was most likely one of the individuals Bill murdered. In that context, "look, from one god to another/who cares I tried to kill those brothers?" would seem like a...risky...angle to take.

[ayushipop]

marry my husband review/ramble (with spoilers):

i watched this drama over a weird span of time—first 2 episodes on a long flight, put it down and didn't pick it up again until ~4 months later, finished the rest over the span of a week

characters and plot:

the first 50-75% of the show was decently grounded in reality and really enjoyable. obviously we root for jiwon on principle, but just the premise of living your life again to make it better and take control of your narrative is delivered so well through her. im always a sucker for seeing a character convinced that misery is all they're destined for live a happier life than they could've ever imagined <3

jihyuck was so unrealistically green flag but i have no complaints, i love that his priorities (jiwon's happiness, jiwon's safety, jiwon jiwon jiwon) never wavered not even once. they had good chemistry, even some cute banter that i wish there was a little more of. but their deeper talks and connection were very satisfying to watch develop. 2 of my favorite lines from him (paraphrased): "if my life was novel and you threw it on a table, it would fall open to your page" and "i'm your father's allowance, so use me however you like" CRAZY!!!! generally i also wish there had been more of them actually being together and flirting, more ML expressiveness pleaseee!

the side characters were a great time too—huiyeon my beloved <33 jihyucks college friends were good comedic relief, the mean girl squad redemption was 👌👌, yang's arc was at times frustrating but i was rooting for her and seeing her deal with jiwon's fate but with a loving community around her to overcome it instead of suffering alone like jiwon had to was so heartwarming. sumin was so insane, i have to commend her actress. ive seen the sentiment that she was acting circles around much of the cast and i really agree. her villainous behavior was so unhinged but over-the-top in a way that still worked, and realistic to that specific cruelty that manipulative women are capable of. and in contrast..

no offense to the actress but yura was just. So Insufferable on screen. my main complaint during episodes 12-14 were that it feels like im watching the Bad People Do Bad People Things Show and it dragged so much at times—but even then, there were ways to make it enjoyable! minhwan and sumin's evil mutually-assured-destruction fight they were locked in was actually so fun to watch. the intensity of sumin and jiwon's exchanges, especially the post-crash confrontation, had me glued to the screen. so honestly it was mostly yura that was the problem, she just felt so stereotypical and straight out of a soap opera. the soapiness of the later episodes really got me, though i know there were hints of it before (i.e. sumin's pregnancy announcement). i do appreciate that she escalated the stakes by giving sumin and minhwan more information, access, and reasons for conflict, to kind of level the playing field between 2 broke people and a whole ass chaebol with jiwon + basically psychic knowledge of the future

not hating entirely on the soapiness of it all though! there were plenty of twists and turns that had me gagged, and even the ones i predicted i cheered watching play out! jiwon did a little too much at times with her (earned) smugness in sumin and minhwan's faces, but i'll cut her some slack given that she was killed murdered dead by these people.

wish there was more eunho and huiyeon! when we finally got some focus on them it felt like watching a completely different drama in the context of all the crazy shit going down, when i know they would've felt more in place in the more-grounded first half of the show.

honorable mention to mr lee our very nonchalant chalant-asf king. sureee this is all business for you buddy

ost thoughts:

my standard for memorable kdrama osts is only really based on 3 that have stuck out to me: homecha (excellent), her private life (delightful), and so i married the anti fan (absolutely dogshit in a way that's almost charming). this one didn't make an impression on me, but as established, the bar is high.

overall:

8/10 a good time! made me consider picking up the webtoon again. i don't think i would rewatch it on my own, but would with someone seeing it for the first time, the reveals and twists and theorizing are really fun to engage in & i would definitely recommend 🎬

[sch-com]

Specific manifestations of anankastic / obsessive-compulsive PD in my life

see similar post for schizoid PD

When I first heard of my personality disorders, it was hard for me to notice their role in my life. Part of it was that I was younger, and with less experiences, but part of it was that by nature PDs are so ingrained it's hard to see the full scope of their influence. Particularly I struggled to see the "dysfunction" part - I was thinking that sure, I do experience that, but is it really that bad? And you can't have a PD without the dysfunction, so do I even count? I think that now, after some time and more reflections, I can say I do see the dysfunction, so I thought to share my observations.

Disclaimer: I am going to combine DSM V and ICD10 criteria, and omit those that do not apply to me

Using DSM V + ICD10 criteria for OCPD that are relevant to me:

1/ A preoccupation with order and details that results in the person missing the point of an activity / Perfectionism that hinders the completion of tasks

This manifests in a very classic way for me. I get overfocused on aligning shapes in my presentations instead of focusing on, well, the goal of the presentation. I get fixated on trying to undestand everything in my classes/courses - instead of seeing what the entire course is trying to teach me, I get anxious and feel like a failure for not understaning one concept. It prevents me from moving on and trusting the process.

A big one that deserves it's own point is when I am organising things. I organise everything in my life, and I get into those organisation obsessions. When I am in one, it's all I can think of. How to put those notes in order, where to put this thing, how to create a system that makes perfect sense. Instead of recognising that the organisation part is supposed to help me with the things I am trying to organise, I get obsessed with the details of the organisation system itself.

2/ Undue preoccupation with productivity to the exclusion of pleasure and interpersonal relationships to an extent that is excessive and not explained by economic needs

Very much connected to 3/ for me, more on that there.

When I was still in school, the feeling of obligation was overwhelming. I can't quite even find the words to describe the extent of this feeling. I neglected everything, literally everything to do schoolwork. Sleep, relationships, family, my health, just because I felt this enormous pressure that Have To. I refused to meet with friends, or to watch movies with family, or to do anything fun, or to even go to the doctors because I had homwork, or an exam. And I know everyone does that from time to time, but the frequency and intensity is what made it dysfunctional. Also, as it turns out, it only caused me more harm than good - me getting a good grade 5 years ago absolutely doesn't mean anything anymore now. And me not making any long-lasting relationships? Absolutely does affect me to this day. My priorities were not serving me.

Now I don't have this singular intense big obligation that school was for me, but I still am rather obsessive about trying to gain skills that would make me employable / not useless. Granted, I am failing miserably at that, but it is my main focus. And I still neglect other things and relationships because of work or some other task I deemed an Obligation. I literally work full-time and then study part-time on the weekeds, I don't think I would do that if I cared about friendships or fun...

I can't allow myself to do anything fun / think about anything else when I have an Obligation planned. And it doesn't have to be anything big - even when I Have To buy someone a gift, I will not fully relax as long as I fulfill the obligation. Which is stupid, because there are always things to be done, so I am permanently stuck in this.

And all of the above is so irrational... Like I come from a relatively well-off family. I have had a full time job for a year now, with permanent contract. And yet, I still feel this sense of Danger and that I Have To do all the things, like work and studying, to make sure I don't die (it feels like I will die if I stop).

3/ Reluctance to spend money on oneself or others and a belief that money should be hoarded for emergencies

The motivation for all from point 2/ always has been fear of spending money, fear of being useless, fear of not having the skills for people to employ me and ultimately fear of ending up homeless. I was thinking of this even when I was like 13yo learning geography. I don't know how normal that is. So, I have always saved up as much as I can, to have the money when something bad happens. I am saying when, and not if, because it feels inevitable.

Everything costs money, and when I am afraid of spending it it affects so many aspects of life. I don't go to fun events for which you have to pay. I feel bad going out for dinner with friends, so I isolate instead. I don't buy clothes unless the ones I have are absolutely unwearable. I postpone going to the doctors, or getting tests done when I have to pay. I feel bad even bying basic groceries.

This is a big factor contributning of me not going to therapy, because it's expensive.

I also feel even more guilty when other people spend money on me. Like, I absolutely don't have to work actually, my parents could pay for my university. But it feels too wrong. I can't. I physically can't allow them to.

4/ Reluctance to delegate tasks to or work with others unless things are done his or her way

Pretty related to 1/. Other people just don't care about the details, or doing things right as much as I do (which actually, good for them because I am the one in the wrong, but I can't help it). I hated group assignments in school because of this. And then I would put too much effort into a stupid project that ultimately meant nothing, and so the cycle continues.

On the flip side, it makes me refrain from tasks, jobs or even basic activities which involve other people, because I know I will suffer with trying to ignore the "imperfections", or they will suffer if I nag them about them. So it may be limiting in terms of what I take on. Like not choosing work that I would maybe like / benefit from because it involves groupwork. And let's be honest, in today's complicated world there aren't many things you can do completely alone. All big, important projects involve cooperation.

5/ Excessive conscientiousness and infexibility related to morality or values (not explained by one's culture or religion)

The main value I hold in my life is to cause as little harm as possible. And you know what is the easiest way to cause as little harm as possible? To do as little as possible. I try to not consume much. I isolate because I don't want to hurt anyone with my broken brain. I chose the line of work and study not because I truly want to do them, but because they are viewed as more useful/benefitial than what maybe I would have chosen otherwise. I don't want to be a waste, and a burden.

I also hold some other tangentially related philosophical beliefs, that most likely don't serve me, but they feel too right for me at the moment. To name a few: antinatalism, nihilism, atheism, pessimism (in the philosophical sense). I like to think I could become convinced otherwise, but that I just haven't heard good counterarguments, but I don't know. Some poeple have said to me that I am just stubborn and refuse to listen, so maybe it is my infexlibility and not the weakness of the arguments.

6/ Feelings of excessive doubt and caution

The thing that have defined my life since I can remember is this feeling that the world is a dangerous place. That I am unwanted here and that I have to prove that I deserve to stay. That I have to make the right choices, and be cautious to avoid pain.

It's hard to find specific examples, because it's something so ingrained I can't imagine how I would act otherwise? But even such things as avoiding going out at dark (impossible to do 100% of the time) that made me miss out on fun or important things. I never trust people fully, especially that they will fulfill their obligations to me. I never trust myself - that I deserve to be where I am, and I always feel at danger of getting kicked out of places. I don't trust strangers on the streets to even not attack me, even though it never happened? I could go on and on. I just have this feeling that I always have to watch myself, and my steps, and to prepare for the worst always.

7/ Intrusion of insistent and unwelcome thoughts or impulses

Probably a lot is covered in 6/ as well

I want to also mention my bfrb - skin picking. It's embarrasing to be honest. I pick everywhere, but especially on my shoulders to the point I look like I was burned. I like doing it, but I guess it is unwanted in the sense that I wish I didn't? I don't know, it's complicated.

I would also classify my obsessive need for organisation here. Like sometimes I wish I could just do something, instead of having this need to organise and plan everything neatly first.

For thoughts, it's pretty standard talk of not being enough, of not working hard enough, of comparing myself to others. I recently also started having flashbacks to random memories. I don't particularly want to think about the past anymore, and I wish they would stop.

I also get some thoughts that are like what many people think is going on in OCD - I get anxious about not locking the door, not turining off the oven, stuff like that. I do occasionally have to go back and check to calm myself, and even after I do I still think "but what if I didn't???". A big and constant one is thinking I lost/forgot my keys, wallet and phone all the time even though I am literally touching them in my pocket lmao. I don't think it's to the extent of a person with OCD though.

Fighting all of that just takes a lot of brainpower in my day-to-day, and that is pretty distressing itself because then I will spend my brainpower on thinking about how much brainpower I am using on those things? Ridiculous cirular thinking, that I am also experiencing in other aspects, but this post is long as it is.