#my brain subconsciously needed time to decompress

[superstarcadet]

"The flames persist and so do I." I SOMEHOW FINISHED DAY THREE OF @byler-week BEFORE THE DAY ENDED FOR ME?? Idk how but I did! A couple of my favorite panels of the week are in this set, so I hope you all enjoy it <3 Today's Prompts were: Defeated, Berry, Picking, Purple/Black color scheme Part One || Part Two

[jadeddangel]

can you do

angel x reader x husk poly

They neglect the reader, but with a good ending

"Not too important"

Husk x reader x Angel Dust

Summary: In which Angel and Husk struggle to balance their work lives and personal lives, leading to a mild argument and a struggled apology

Warnings: swearing, abandonment issues, talk of Valentino, talk of physical abuse

You, Husk, and Angel had been dating for a little over since the incident with Charlie and Angel getting into an argument, you didn't really know what happened since you weren't there but you could piece together that it almost got messy. The hotel had been growing steadily after the extermination so you, husk and angel struggled with making time for eachother, especially with Val trying to make angel "pay" for the incident at the club and for ignoring him. And due to the hotel gaining popularity, husk had been forced to work as Alastor's little errand boy for the time being. And then there was you, after zestial found out about carmilla's incident with the angels, zestial has been making you work like crazy, errands, working as a temporary bodyguard in certain rings, despite him not needing it. It was getting exhausting trying to give all of your energy towards zestial and having a good attitude while also remaining the hinge that really brought angel and husk's relationship, to say you were burnt-out was an understatement.

You had gotten home after a long day of errands and escorts. As you finally got into your shared room, you stripped out of the green and black cloak along with semi-formal clothes in a darker theme After a very much, well-deserved bath and some time to decompress, you headed downstairs in some more casual clothes. After seeing Angel sitting at the bar to talk with husk, you nearly skidded down the stairs eager to give your lovers the attention they deserved, you hopped onto the bar chair next to angel before wrapping him in a hug, " Angie! Oh, how I've missed you! How was work?" You nearly exclaimed in the poor boys ear. Angel's body went ragged as his muscles tensed and tried to relax, realizing it was just you but still didn't quite relax. Angel used his second set of arms to carefully remove your body from his tucking your arms into your lap and rolling his eyes exhaustedly, "It was the same as usual, long and hard, Val has a stick up his ass" Angel complained a bit, as you listened closely, his tone wasn't like how it usually was, and the lack of dirty jokes really made you concerned. You nodded a bit before turning your attention to husk.

"Don't think I forgot about my favorite little kitty. How are you doing? Alastor isn't being too much of an unbearable prick, is he?" You asked, taking notice of the alastor's lack of presence. Husk's body went ridged at the sound of alastors name causing him to overpour his glass over alcohol he was serving himself, Husk let out a hiss as he stepped back and away from the overflowing mess of his glass. "It's the same as it always is, Listen, Our days were hard enough, we don't need you and your peppy attitude to make it worse, you don't know what it's like so don't even try and act like you know what's going on." Husk hissed out through gritted teeth, narrowed eyes focused in on you, pupils forced into the shape of sharp slits.

Husk's words bounced around in your brain for a few mere moments before your body tensed as you tried not to take them to heart. You could feel your body relax as your mind disconnected from your emotions in order to protect itself. Your nails subconsciously dug into the hard linoleum of the countertop as you struggled to ground yourself, "Oh...." The sound fell effortlessly I the silent air as you struggled to find the right words, not caring how they hurt yourself or the people around you. "Right.... YOU both have had a bad day, and me trying to cheer you up makes me the bad guy? Get a grip, HUSKER... " You spoke monotonously aside from enunciating certain words. You pushed your chair back as a sickening crackle filled the thick air; your chair had scraped up a good amount of the wood, which would most certainly get you in trouble later.

Your blood was boiling in anger at his insensitivity as you "calmly" walked away from the bar to your room to get some space. You laid down face first in the cold covers. You felt the bed dip slightly and a cold, wet nose pressing into the underside of your forearm. "Hi fat nuggets.." You sighed s bit sitting up so you could pet Angel's beloved pet.

Time had passed rather quickly as you ranted to fat nuggets about everything that happened, avoiding using any slurs or cussing in front of the sweet animal. You had left your emotions calm down as you felt a familiar feeling of guilt from having acting that way. You may not hold grudges, but you weren't apologizing first. You were tired of being the bigger person in all of these situations, and it exhausted you. You let out a heavy sigh as you looked down at the adorable little creature that seemed to be hanging onto your every word, " I need to get some sleep now, zestial has me planned for an early meeting again.. never thought I'd regret selling me soul, " you joked while scratching behind Nugget's ear. Letting out an exasperated sigh, you picked the little pig up and laid down, holding him close to your chest for comfort. You heard the floorboards outside your door creak from weight as a long slender hand pushed open the door slowly, causing light to flood the room. You did your best to ignore it and stay still. The most you did was let go of nuggets, allowing them to jump into, presumably, Angel's arms.

Angel took a deep breath as he sat down on the side of the bed, "Muffin? It's Angie.. look, I don't know if you're awake right now, but I'm sorry, we're sorry, work has been stressful on all of us, and we took it out on you." Angel pressed into the sensitive matter carefully, "Husk is worried about you. Why don't you come down for a drink, huh? I can see your brow furrowing, " Angel teased. You hadn't even realized your expression had changed as you sighed heavily sitting up, "I'm not taking anything husk makes until he apologizes.." you muttered stubbornly. Angel let out a little snicker, "you both are so cute when your mad, cmon just one drink and if anything goes wrong you've got us," Angel tried to bargain, and so far, it was working. Angel put two of his hands under your arms to lift you while the other two set nuggets down. Angel soon managed to coax you out of bed, aka bribe and carry you, and helped you down stairs. The wood where the chair had scraped away was fixed along with the chair in its original spot. You hesitantly sat down with angels encouragement, Angel took his seat next to you and gestured to husk to say something. Husk took a deep breath and cleared his throat, "want a drink?" Husk grumbled as Angel let out a heavy sigh shaking his head as he set his forehead in his palms.

Husk poured you your usual drink as he looked at you with slightly pleading eyes. Husk has never big on apologizes but you could tell he was trying to apologize just... in his own little way. You grabbed the glass from him taking a big sip, "I'm sorry too, I didn't mean to hurt you, I wasn't thinking, ill accept your apology, will you accept mine?" You asked reaching for his paw with your other hand slowly allowing him to pull away if wanted/needed. Husk didn't as he held your hand tightly, "can we just rest after this drink? We've all had a shitty day.."Husk said in his usual husky voice. You and angel shared a look before letting out happy snickers and giggles, "definitely, mr.whiskers~" Angel teased in his usual tone. Husk let out a deep groan pulling his paw away "great now the moments ruined" Husk shot back just as playful as Angel. They were happy and so were you, so it worked out well, and you wouldn't change a thing

[love-archer]

Autistic MC . . .

♡ How would the cast react? ♡

♡.OM!

♡♡.SFW!!

♡♡♡. PT.1 Here! @lisaspublicdiary ;( Sorry for the long wait, love!

. . . S A T A N ! 

♡ Initially, he’d observe you from afar, cataloging your behaviors, reactions, and communication style in the back of his mind. He sees patterns where others see quirks and he wants to understand the underlying system of you. He’s less about sympathy or coddling, and more about… decoding you, in a way that isn’t meant to be malicious, just…Satan being Satan.

♡ Satan was the one of the first to notice your habits of flinching at sudden loud noises or getting overwhelmed in certain situations

♡ Despite being the Avatar of Wrath, he's became quite mindful of how his anger might affect you

♡ The first time he noticed you covering your ears during one of his arguments with Lucifer, his anger immediately dissipated

♡ ...until Lucifer opened his mouth and the fight resumed

♡ His words didn't falter, continuing to fly at Lucifer while he walked to you, taking your hand and using you as an escape from wasting any more air and energy on that pea-brained creature of a demon

♡ Created a quiet reading corner in his room specifically for you when you need to decompress. The area provided weighted blankets, noise-canceling headphones, and soft lighting. He wouldn't say out loud but he does enjoy sitting there at nights when he can't sleep.

♡ Will silently place a cup of your favorite tea (/beverage of your liking) near you when you're home from a long day at RAD, he knows the days there can be quite maddening at times

♡ With the time you've spent in his room, he grew to learn your subtle signs of distress before meltdowns. "You're doing that thing with your hands again. Should we leave?"

♡ Appreciates how detailed and passionate you can be about topics that interest you "Actually, I'd love to hear more about that. Your perspective is... refreshingly thorough."

♡ subconsciously, he would find himself looking for books of your special interests. Would stare at the book in his hand before sending you a picture of it, telling you he's checking it out and brining it home so you'd better be in his room when he's walking to the door.

♡ "Mammon, lower your voice. Can't you see they're already overwhelmed?"

. . . A S M O D E U S ! 

♡ Would Initially struggled to understand why you weren't picking up on his flirting the way others usually do until his brothers filled him in

♡ "Darling, you're supposed to blush when I... oh, right! My apologies."

♡ With a little nagging from Lucifer about his carefree behavior and side eyes from Satan, he started to ask directly if you're comfortable with physical contact "May I fix your hair? You have some strands poking out....and I just thought of this just fabulous style on you!"

♡ Asmodeus is quite good at reading your non-verbal cues once he takes the time to learn them, given his sharp attention to small details. "Ah ah! I see that look - too bright in here? Let me dim the lights~"

♡ Notices how you sometimes trace patterns on fabrics when you get anxious and starts keeping various scraps of extra fabrics from his projects for you to manipulate.

♡ knowing how at times you forget or get side-tracked, he usually is the one to be the first to ask you to accompany him to the mall or the shops around town, helps you find clothes with textures that don't bother your sensory sensitivities.

♡ As a considerate host, he has as a special "[MC]-friendly" setting on his diffuser with very mild scents + makes sure his room isn't too overwhelming when you visit

♡ Always positions himself between you and crowds at demon parties. He will raise a brow and defend you fiercely if anyone suggests you're being 'rude' by being direct. "Actually, they're being perfectly clear. Perhaps you should try it sometime?"

. . . B E E L Z E B U B !

♡ Beelzebub would probably be the most straightforwardly accepting of the bunch but he won't pick up on the situation of you right away. Beel is often preoccupied his own internal world and his brothers.

♡ He would value your honesty immensely, as Beel himself is very straightforward and dislikes deceit.

♡ He might notice that you are a bit different, but wouldn’t initially analyze it beyond that. He’s not one for overthinking social dynamics. As Beel spends more time with MC, and especially if one of his brothers explains autism to him, a beautiful understanding would blossom. He understands the concept of different needs and sensitivities and that’s perfectly okay.

♡ Once he considers MC a friend, he doesn't judge much but at times he worries at your habits due to him forgetting your condition and shares his thoughts with Belphie during late-night stargazing.

"Do you think it… affects their appetite?.....No, [MC] eats just fine. Sometimes they forget, though. I should remind them to eat."

♡ When he visits after his workouts and waits for you in your room, you might walk in and find him try to finish the puzzles you started or staring at the collections you showcase on the shelves of your walls.

♡ He would hide you out in his room once things get a bit exhausting for you. Projects a movie on the ceiling with a bowl of snacks on his belly as he watches your expression to make sure you feel better.

. . . B E L P H E G O R !

♡  Belphie might be the most initially confused of the brothers.He might misinterpret some autistic traits as being ‘weird’ or ‘annoying’ at first, especially if you disrupt his peace with your hobbies or conversations that seem to not stop.

♡ He could initially be a bit standoffish, viewing MC with a slightly wary eye, especially given his initial guardedness towards everyone new.

♡ It might take him longer than the other brothers to fully ‘get it', However, once he sees Beel’s acceptance of you, he gradually warms up.

♡ "Huh... you move your hands a lot... is that comfortable?" His curiosity gets the better of him as he spends time in your presence.

♡ He might notice you always having tea at the same time, or needing a specific blanket to feel comfortable, and instead of finding it odd, he might just... understand.

♡ Belphegor might actually find surprising common ground. He values comfort and predictability himself, so routines and sensory needs might make sense to him on a basic level.

♡ Direct communication would be appreciated by Belphie, even if he doesn't always show it outwardly. He's not a fan of games or complicated social dances. If you need something or are feeling a certain way and express it plainly, he might actually find that refreshing compared to the more dramatic or teasing tendencies of his brothers.

♡  You two might end up enjoying comfortable silences together, just existing in the same space, his dazed-eyes watching your hands paint/organize.

♡ if your special interest is something adjacent to his, (e.g astronomy or even obscure historical trivia) he might actually perk up and listen, raising a brow at your knowledge.

[nova-ayashi]

I was tagged and/or challenged to answer some basic pointless questions as a blog challenge via ShellSharks, and before I pass out and sleep for my “friday” at work, I think I’ll go ahead and answer them! Especially since, I haven’t written here much due to the fact that a lot of my free time has just been filled with me decompressing, uh … pretty much always.

1: Do you floss your teeth?

I don’t, despite brushing and mouthwashing multiple times a day. This is something I should do, but I procrastinate, and have been doing so for … a long time. I should do that, though!

2: Tea, coffee, or water?

I can’t really remember the last time I had traditional tea. I think it was back three years ago when I was sick and needed an “at home” remedy while I was at work. Suffice to say, it kind of helped? But, if I was given the choice between the three, I’d probably have to choose coffee. As long as it’s good. If it’s like, sludge you get at work that’s five hours old and reheated? I’ll just take the water.

3: Footwear preference?

If I’m out and about? Sneakers. Approaching 40, I’ll always probably just wear some variant of sneakers, or on the rare occasion, these hundred some dollar leather boots I got that I’ve worn one time. Now, if I’m at home, I don’t wear shoes. Wearing shoes, in my head, is associated with doing things, working, being out and not relaxing. And, usually, if I’m at home, I’m relaxing.

4: Favourite dessert?

I haven’t had a dessert in the traditional sense in a really long time, but if someone asked me, “What’ll it be?” I’d have to think. I like sweet stuff, but not so much anymore. I’m usually craving something spicy, or salty. But, I think what I’d actually prefer is just a simple vanilla milkshake. You can call a milkshake a dessert, right?

5: The first thing you do when you wake up?

Aside from stumbling out of bed and forcing my alarms to turn off? I immediately chug some water, and then pause whatever Youtube’s algorithm has decided my subconscious brain was going to listen to while I was passed out.

6: Age you’d like to stick at?

Considering I’m about to hit 40, and having energy nonstop like a caffeine fiend who never stops moving, I think if it were possible I’d rewind and make myself at least 27 again. When I was 27 I was old enough to think things through and not put myself in-danger for fun, and I had enough energy at all times to just be constantly doing things. Not like now. I come home from work, I sit down on the couch and browse the internet, turn on a game, or a video, and somewhere in-between all of that I end up passed out for an hour, then awake again, and then asleep again for another eight hours. It’s a cycle that steals a lot of time away from me.

7: How many hats do you own?

Zero. I’ve always been really particular about my hair, and I’m not even sure why. But anything that I’d have to put on my head and risk messing the hair is a no-go for me.

8: Describe the last photo you took?

The last thing I snapped a photo of was my cat standing on the edge of the bathtub staring at me while I walked into the bathroom, as if he were asking for a shower. Even though he hates water. Aside from the water he splashes his face in from the sink when he begs for sips from the faucet.

9: Worst TV show?

Another thing that’s kind of difficult for me. I don’t really watch a whole lot of TV anymore. Once Breaking Bad ended, I think that was right on the cusp of everything, and I mean everything, switching over to streaming. Once that happened, I kind of dropped off and only watched things I knew I would enjoy, and nothing else. You know, aside from Youtube. Which I pretty much use as a replacement for television nowadays.

But, garsh, uh … I have to agree with ShellSharks here, Big Bang Theory was absolutely terrible when it was on television in 2011. I’d rather watch paint dry inside of my eyelids.

10: As a child, what was your aspiration for adulthood?

As a kid, I wanted to go to space, I wanted to be an artist, and for a short stint, I wanted to be a cop. I only became one of these things.

Source: Original Post

Posted via Python, written by @daemon_nova

[visualpractitioner]

What does radical self care look like?

Putting your body before anything and everyone else’s.

CONTEXT In 2011, I was walking down the street in Telluride, Colorado. All of a sudden I felt like I was walking in sand, against the wind. With all my might, I couldn’t walk any faster, no matter how I tried. Then, for the next 13 years I experienced all kinds of strange symptoms. I have chased many dragons.

Today, I practice radical self care. It’s absolutely necessary if I want to get anything accomplished.

How and when does it start? My Radical Self-Care List

Without an alarm clock as it’s important not to interrupt an REM sleep cycle otherwise you wake up feeling groggy and you’ve lost up to 45 minutes of good sleep. Write. Sip room temperature water with some salt or unsweetened electrolytes. Prepare morning tea or cacao. Eat 20+ grams of protein. Meditate to focus the mind and get in alignment with inner/higher self. Six-step oral hygiene. Skin brush. Shower if needed. Face the sun with eyes closed and move head around. Get productive in 22 or 45-minute sprints. Take breaks every 90 minutes when the brain switches to non-dominant hemisphere and back. Move/walk around. Eat a hearty and healthy lunch. Supplements. Get productive again. Take a nap. Go to the studio and create. For those who use your head a lot, rest by using your hands. If you work with your hands, rest your brain. Make a savory dinner. Take a walk. Do the dishes and prepare for the following day. Take a magnesium salts bath with essential oils if needed. Decompress by compressing. I use a Normatec for 30-60 minutes on my legs. Sometimes I use the hip or arms attachments if I really need it. Cover up with a weighted blanket. Rest. Listen to a guided visualization. Sleep. I’m a bi-modal sleeper so when I wake at ~4am, I do a few hours of work and go back to sleep.

Pretty radical huh? What is on your Radical Self-Care List? Is it sustainable? It takes time to build up to a repeatable, sustainable routine.

Here are some tips:

Know your purpose and why. Feel into how important it is and remind yourself frequently.

Find the anchor or cornerstone practice you do everyday and build time around it to add and enhance your self-care.

Be present with the process. Your subconscious knows when you aren’t putting in full effort. By being present, you are training yourself to be more resilient and strengthening your practice.

How long does it take?

Well, it’s taken me 13 years to get to this point. But it was the split-second decisions that changed the trajectory, the depth, and the will to MAKE each change happen. You can choose to begin anytime.

Want to learn more about the skill sets I have developed to help me?

Time-honored processes and the professionals who taught me:

Discover and Implement Your Purpose/Why Use a methodology and get a coach like the SHIFT-IT Visual process with Christina Merkley (manifestation approach) or Make It Happen Method with Coach Jennie and Meredyth (inner critic/productivity-based).

Develop Mindsets, Skill sets and Behaviors The 3T Model from the Learn Lead Lift Framework has been critical in my decision making and determining energy allocation. You can learn more from the book at https://www.learnleadlift.com by Wendy Ryan.

Leverage Visual Thinking Love a good abecedarian? I talk more about those in an upcoming email. Meanwhile, check out this one by Brandy Agerbeck. Valuable Link: https://www.loosetooth.com/a-to-z

Building Resilience with Appreciative Inquiry By Joan McArthur-Blair and Jeanie Cockell Link to an excerpt of their book: https://cockellmcarthur-blair.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/building-resilience-with-appreciative-inquiry-excerpt-1.pdf

I love to host live group sessions taking creative professionals through the ALIVE process. If you are interested in organizing one for your creative group, guild, book club, etc, please email me for group rates.

May you have the courage and strength to make ever-lasting change.

[touchingoldmagic]

Day 8 - Non-Canon Ship

Day 8 of the 30 Day Ghostbusters Challenge! 

Author’s Note: Ray/Egon and Ray/Egon/Peter. SFW, just angst and cuddling. I might work up the nerve to share my NSFW stuff someday but today is not that day...

With only one light on in the lab and a desk lamp on in the bunk room, the firehouse second floor was dark. Ray lingered in the doorway to the lab, watching the stiff back and squared shoulders of the physicist focused on his work. Or at least, the appearance of working.

Awkwardly, Ray couldn't find the words to disturb him and so he stood there in silence.

On days when he was truly focused, Egon wouldn't notice a nuclear war going on in the next room. Tonight was not one of those nights. Ray had a feeling he knew he was there--they were all hyper aware of each other at the moment. (Even subconsciously Ray knew he was keeping an ear out for when the sound of the shower stopped running.) The silence hanging around the room like an odor existed entirely because both of them were bad with words.

A small screwdriver rolled off the top of the table and Egon didn't even make a grab for it. He did however jump when it hit the ground--Ray did too.

"Egon," he blurted out, like the sound had broken some sort of hold on them. The physicist paused but didn't look up. "Egon," he said again, gaining courage and emphasis. He could tell by the tilt of the man's head that he was listening. "I know the lab is how you decompress. I don't mean to interrupt you. But it's late. And we need to get up early and get to the hospital tomorrow. Will you come to bed?"

Egon finally glanced at him and Ray tried very hard not to look like he was pleading.

"Of course," Egon said stiffly. His glasses had been broken earlier and he was wearing his spares. His face was closed down and carefully controlled, a look he only got when he was really upset. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize." Ray's response was immediate. He shifted his weight. "I should be the one apologizing."

"Unfortunate incidents happen in our line of work. A bad bust is not your fault--"

"I need to watch where I'm going. I didn't think, at the time, that I was taking chances but--"

"Raymond."

Ray's mouth closed with an audible click. Egon left his tools on the desk and came over to his partner and teammate. He frowned as he studied Ray's face. Ray knew he was looking at the road rash across his chin and left cheek from where he'd fallen on the concrete basement floor of the old house they had been in earlier in the day. He'd already checked himself out in the mirror; it was very visible and unfortunately in an awkward place for a bandage. It was going to be a painfully visual reminder of the incident for a while.

"It looks worse than it is," Ray promised him, voice low.

Egon nodded. "I wish to point out again that Winston is not seriously injured and is only being kept overnight for observation due to his concussion."

Ray sighed. "I know." The knowledge didn't make it any better.

Egon hesitated, then gestured toward the bunk room and Ray turned and retreated there with relief. After this disaster of a day, his only goal was to make sure everyone was okay and then to (hopefully) sleep.

They changed into their night clothes in silence. Ray glanced anxiously over at the physicist more than once, but Egon's gaze was blank and unreadable.

Ray said quietly, "Are you okay?"

His tone broke through Egon's thoughts and he met Ray's worried gaze with his own, attempting to be reassuring. "I'm not upset." He changed the subject by asking, "Do you wish to push two of the beds together?"

Ray brightened immediately. They still had separate beds, mostly because they all tried to keep a measure of professionalism in their work space. Bad days sometimes made it a hard choice to live with. "If you don't mind," he replied.

"Quite the opposite. I'm also aware in these situations that you sleep poorly if you can't reassure yourself of our presence."

Ray colored with embarrassment. "Well," he said, but then didn't have anything to finish it with.

They pushed two of the beds together and Ray collapsed onto them. Physically, he hurt all over. Mentally his brain wouldn't quiet down, and emotionally he was exhausted. It was going to be a long night.

Egon fussed with the arrangement of the blankets (much to the shorter man's amusement), covering Ray before climbing under them himself. Ray gently stole his glasses and set them on the bedside table, since half the time Egon forgot to take them off when he fell asleep.

As usual Egon slept on his back. Ray curled up against his side, allowing himself to relax a marginal amount with his head resting on the other man's shoulder, listening to the steady heartbeat against his ear, reassuring. The shower was still running. Peter had taken a flung metal bucket to the ribs during the bust. He insisted he was fine, but he was taking a while. Ray wasn't going to sleep until he got out.

Egon could feel the tension that still remained in his body. "Would talking about the matter help with your own decompression?" he asked, reusing the word Ray had used earlier.

A sigh gusted from the engineer's lips. "There's not much to say," he muttered.

"You fell," Egon pointed out. "Thankfully without sustaining serious injury."

Ray winced. He couldn't bring himself to add to Egon's statement, with the memory still so vivid. The bust had taken place at a large old house upstate with multiple ghosts, but the first floor hallway had a trap door, unexpectedly propped open (most likely by one of the specters). Ray had leaped back to dodge an attack, but had instead fallen through the open trap door and down the stairs to the small, cold root cellar.

Quick-thinking, Winston had jumped down after Ray, which meant it was Winston who took a rotting two-by-four to the head trying to defend Ray, while he collected himself and tried to get to his feet. Egon and Peter had followed in time to help with the fight, but the small size of the basement left them little room to dodge, and the litter of old wood and other home debris that had been stored down there, ripe for the flinging, meant it was a very nasty battle. They had all been knocked down and flung around before it was finally over.

Into the silence of the bunk room, Ray finally muttered, "I'm fine with the dangers of the job, Egon, but it's different when someone else gets hurt because I screwed up."

"This is not the first time it's happened," Egon pointed out. They had all had their share of busts gone wrong.

"I know, but it doesn't get any easier."

"This is true." Egon cleared his throat. "Seeing you and Winston disappear... worried me greatly."

"I know. I'm right here." He leaned over and kissed Egon's cheek gently, careful of bruises.

None of them had escaped the house without injuries, though only Winston had to be hospitalized. The first aid kit in Ecto had been enough to patch them up while they waited for the ambulance. Then, after many hours waiting at the hospital just to be told Winston would be kept overnight, they had finally gotten home very late.

"So what were you working on?" Ray asked, hoping for something to discuss that was a little less emotionally harrowing.

Egon was happy to launch into an explanation of his latest experiment, and Ray was happy to have something to fill the silence. Slowly he relaxed further, letting it sink in that everyone was as safe as possible at the moment. Egon's voice was slower and quieter by the time his explanation concluded. Soon his eyes were closed and Ray thought he was probably asleep, though it was hard to tell. The physicist had a very slow, steady breathing rate even when awake.

At one point the sound of the shower stopped and Ray listened intently for several long quiet minutes until it was replaced with the whir of the hair dryer. Ray waited, slipping in and out of light sleep. Finally there was silence and the bathroom door opened. He roused from his light doze at the sound of footsteps approaching his side of the bed.

"We need a bigger bed," Peter announced.

Ray objected sleepily, "I like it when we're closer together."

Peter snorted. "Of course you do, blanket hog."

"Hey, I do not--!"

Egon covered his mouth. "Shh." The sound was a mumble and the physicist sounded mostly asleep.

Ray grinned apologetically and kissed the hand that was trying to block his lips from moving. "Sorry, Egie." He scooted over closer to Egon so Peter could crawl in. The psychologist turned out the bedside lamp and then did so, sliding a possessive arm over Ray's hips.

"Are you actually going to sleep, or is this an all-night discussion situation?" Peter's warm voice ghosted across the hairs on Ray's neck. He sounded as exhausted as Ray felt.

"I can sleep if you're here," Ray promised him.

Peter was quiet a moment. Ray's sincere attachments to his partners and willingness to say so still caught him off guard. Then his flippant tone returned and he said, "Good to hear." His arm tightened around Ray.

There was silence in the darkened room for seven seconds. Then, "I swear from now on I'll be more car--"

"Ray!"

"Raymond."

"Right. Sorry."

[benbarnesescape]

Drowning

Logan Delos x Reader

Warnings: None. Language. Mainly fluff

A/N: So I got some pretty upsetting news this past week and just needed to channel this out and why not with Logan, the poster boy of also internalizing your feelings.

The thick, wad of papers that he held in left hand felt like a paperweight, causing his left arm to fall on his left leg as he fiddled with the ink pen in his right arm. The soft, cool breeze that was wafting from the Atlantic Ocean hit his face, filling his nostrils with the salty spray but he was too distracted to notice, his eyes intently on your form as you stood outside on the patio. You had planted yourself outside ever since you had driven in from the city that afternoon, a forlorn look on your face as you stepped out of the town car he had sent earlier that day that had brought you to his private beach home in the Hamptons. He had been traveling for weeks, an international trade gone south and had found relief when it had been resolved and he could come back to the city – back to you. He had remembered an earlier conversation he had with you months prior about how you enjoyed working at the Hampton home, how you took pleasure in having the ocean waves as your personal soundtrack for work, and so he had arranged for you both to stay in his Hampton home for the next two months, knowing that the city was a quick drive or helicopter ride away.

But the greeting he had been met with this morning was the opposite than what he had imagined in his head. Instead of running into his arms and distracting him with the promise of sex, you had instead slowly walked past him, barely acknowledging him as you shuffled into the cool, air-conditioned estate. You dropped your bag on a nearby chair before you walked out to through the back patio door, walking through the white, clean sands until you reached the oceans edge where you planted yourself. Where you sat for hours, knees in the air, hand digging through the coarse sand as a light wind whipped around you, your eyes focused on the endless blue horizon.

At first, Logan had thought you were in a bad mood and needed to decompress. You never were one to advertise your problems, least of all to him. But as the fire rays of the sun met water, the orange gleaming into the tall glass windows of his home you had only budged to adjust away from the current, moving to the patio as your eyes rested on the strong waves that bubbled to the sandy shore.

Now the moon was high and you were still standing there, the short sundress wafting around your legs as you leaned against the balcony and he shook his head, unable to watch and wonder any longer. Knowing that he would inevitably be sparking a fight but rather deal with your hot, fiery temper than this new version of you. Placid and unmoving.

He grabs the knitted throw blanket your mom made for him, specifically for the beach-side home and gives a low shudder as he walks outdoors, moving toward you with purpose as the smooth pine wood silently creaks under the padding of his bare feet.

“Y/N?”

His voice is soft and mingles with the sound of waves crashing but you don’t move, just continue to stare out in the dark mystery of the night. He sighs as he throws the blanket over you, noting how cold your arms are and wraps himself around you to provide additional heat, drawing you closer to him,

“You’re going to catch a cold. Come inside…”

“No.”

Your voice is raw but clear and stubborn and he exhales, resting his chin on your shoulder as his grip around you tightens.

“Princess, I don’t want you getting sick. Come inside.”

“There’s no point.”

“What do you mean there’s no point?”

He feels you tense up, your grip around the rail tightening as you repeat,

“I think we should break up.”

The words take him off guard and for a second he thinks he mishears,

“What?”

“I think we should break up.”

You say it louder and clearer, your voice distant and he can feel his stomach fall, a pit that causes his breath to hitch as his grip around you self-consciously tightens. It was the way he had navigated through life for years, feeling uncertain – unloved – unwanted. And then you had shown him the other side, what it felt like to actually care about something, what it meant to feel worthy of love, to appreciate life.  You had done it simply by being kind, patient and yet unafraid to call him out on his shit.

The idea of losing that frightens him. Causes the small, punctured scars that faintly laid on his forearms itch and he has to control his breathing as he tries to focus on the situation.

“What?” his voice is louder as he pulls away, turning you toward him, his hands planted firmly on your shoulder. Your crying, thick, heavy streams of tears that consume your face and you keep your face locked on his chest as you repeat.

“Can you not hear Logan? I. Think. We. Should. Break. Up. You deserve someone better than me.”

His eyes soften, his hands trembling as he lifts your chin, forcing you to look up at him. You’re stubborn, just as stubborn as him and try to fight him but he uses his other hand to cradle your face, your eyes meeting for the first time since you’ve arrived.

He can think rationally, can move beyond his selfish emotions to focus on you because he knows that this has nothing to do with the both of you as a couple. That something, or someone, had planted a seed that had sprouted this phantom insecurity about you and his relationship.

“I am only a better man because I have you by my side. You are far superior to me princess. Don’t ever forget that. Don’t think it or even say it into assistance because I’ll let you know right now that you are far too good for me.”

The sob you make causes your body to hitch as you fall into him and he wraps his arms around you as your tears consume you. He’s never seen this side of you, this vulnerable part that has you broken down to your core and he shivers as he draws you closer to him, wanting to take whatever has triggered you to feel this way and shield you from it.

He doesn’t know how long he stands there holding you, the wind whipping around the both of you until you finally mumble incoherently into his chest, your face pressing against him. The words get caught in the soft fabric and he pulls away from you far enough to ask,

“Sorry princess, didn’t quite catch that.”

You give a heavy sigh, debating if you should repeat it before you lean into him, pressing your face to the side as you say a bit louder,

“I may not be able to have kids.”

The last word gets caught in your throat and you clear your throat as you try to cover up the next statement,

“I know that you may not want to have kids, I know that. I know that we never even talked about our future together but….”

Your voice is shaky and he pulls away from you, watching you carefully. He doesn’t know what this means for him. He’s never thought about having children. In his mind, he had made peace in not having the kind of future most people thought of with a wife and a child. He had barely believed that he was capable of being able to stay in a long term, committed relationship so the idea of reproducing wasn’t even a bridge his mind knew how to process.

He doesn’t understand what this means to him but he understands to know that it was probably a catastrophic blast to you – your identity and maybe he’d push to say you’re worth as a woman. Like him, society had taught you since childhood that you were supposed to reproduce – that part of your identity on this planet was to contribute to reproduction. This didn’t matter to him but he knew, deep down somewhere in your subconscious, it was ringing with you.

You had briefly mentioned to him once that, until him, you had never really thought of children or being a mother. You had immediately reassured him that this wasn’t your passive way of letting him know that you were interested in having children soon. Just that sometimes, you thought about it. That something inside of you triggered your brain to think about it. And he knew that the long draw of silence that followed as you went back to cutting vegetables for the meal you were preparing together, that maybe it was being with him that made you trigger this new desire in your mind.

He would never admit it to you, could barely admit it to himself some days, but he liked the idea that you thought about having kids with him. That he was what you had considered to be your partner in what could be the most selfless act a woman could make for herself and her partner. And when he thought about that, only then did he venture with what a life could look like with you.

So being told that the possibility of having children were slim, or that you possibly couldn’t, made him feel powerless. He couldn’t fix this. This was a journey he could get a ride on but that you would have to go through alone. And he hated that.  

“Princess,” he’s mindful of the next few words. He didn’t know how to be vulnerable – was still learning thanks to your urging and he doesn’t know if saying the next few words will betray that something else he tries to keep hidden from you. That future he’s equally longed for only with you. “I can’t even imagine to know how you feel. Can’t even begin to understand what this means for you and your future. But I know this. I will research and find everything in my power to support you in this. If you want to have children, we will find the best fertility specialist. We will research what natural methods you can undertake. We will see if I need to make my sperm stronger. But whatever it is, we will get through this.  You aren’t alone. And I know this isn’t a solution, know this isn’t even the point but we can also adopt if having a family together is what we decide, what you decide. Honestly, it may be better than sharing my shitty genetics and fucking up your perfect genetics with my imperfect flaws….my point is,” he tilts your face toward him, cupping you gently, “if you want to have a child I will find it in my absolute power to make this happen. You aren’t alone.”

He doesn’t know what you’re thinking as another stream of tears fall down your face, before your hands are gripping over his wrist, your cold fingers causing him to shiver.

“This might sound stupid but,” you hesitate for a beat, “…would you even want to have a kid with me someday?”

There’s insecurity and fear laced in the words and he smiles as he leans down into you, his lips brushing against your own.

“I want the world with you. I don’t know if I’m the ideal mate to have a kid with; I’m kind of a mess,” you chuckle as he presses a soft kiss against your lips, “But you’re the only person I’ve ever thought about even having a future with. And……. maybe I’ve thought about what it would be like to have you as the mother of my children. Maybe just a few times. That’s not what matters though. We’ll get past this. You aren’t less of a woman, less of my other half because of this bump in the road. Remember that. You are not a lesser human being because of it.”

You smile against his lips, before pulling away and pressing your forehead against him.

“You don’t have shitty genetics by the way. Being an asshole is learned, not written in your DNA.”

He laughs, giving you another squeeze before he whispers,

“I hope you’re right about that. In the meantime, I’d love to practice us practicing starting a family together”

He’s fluid as he finds the back of your thighs, lifting you in the air and you can’t help the high shrill that escapes your mouth.

“Logan! Put me down.”

“Only if you agree to practicing…” the grin that paints itself on his face is wicked and large and you can’t help but laugh as you nod.

“Deal.”  

tags: @just-nikkii, @ladyblablabla, @drinix, @youveseen–thebutcher, @marauderskeeper, @thesandbeneathmytoes, @cutie-bug

[foxofthedesert]

Fanfic Snippet

Thought I’d drop a sneak preview of a story I’ve been slowly whittling away on over a long period of time.  Been tinkering on it some here lately.  It’s a Kalex fic, AU of course as I seem to be incapable of writing within canon, that changes up the paradigm between Kara and Alex in a way I’ve yet to come across.  It’s probably been done, though, and I just haven’t stumbled upon it.  Anyway, to be discrete, let’s just say Jeremiah disappears, just for a different reason...

I’ve got 30kish words into the story, but there is currently no deadline for publishing in sight.  I don’t feel so bad putting it out here for consumption when it might not ever see the light of day.  Does that make me a terrible person?  I hope not.  Anyway, this scene is set after Kara and Alex meet, sparks fly along with clothes, and our favorite alien is trying to decompress with her best buddy.

Kara nods, eyes wide with brimming excitement that she hasn’t read the situation incorrectly.  “Exactly!  She seems serious about this, and I...I like that.  I want her to be serious about the possibility of an us because I think I already am.”

Her friend’s eyes widen in surprise.  “You are?”

Kara shrugs noncommittally to deflect from how part of her harbors zero uncertainties about Alex.  It’s the part of her that remains an orphaned alien frightened of her own shadow that craves the approval of someone she cares about.

“I think so?” Her nose scrunches up a couple times as she talks.  “I mean, every time I think about my life any number of months from now, I can see her in it.  I’ve known her for all of a day and I’m imagining her as part of my future.  How crazy is that?”

“Pretty crazy.” Winn ducks when Kara uses super speed to toss a pillow she’d snatched up from the couch at his head.  He raises his arms to deflect the fluffy missile.  “Hey, you asked!”

Kara groans as she flops down beside him, her brief annoyance snuffed out like a match in a brisk gale.  “I know.  Argh!  I’m being crazy.  Am I being crazy?  I’m totally being crazy...aren’t I?”  She starts pacing, fidgeting with her glasses, brushing her hands through her hair...you know, all the usual signs she’s starting to panic.

To his credit, Winn doesn’t allow her to flounder long.  “You’re not crazy, Kara.” When she stops pacing to peer at him with barely concealed desperation, he gives her a reassuring smile, then stands and approaches.  He takes her shoulders gently and gives them a squeeze, then coaxes her chin back up when she ducks her head to hide.  “Don’t beat yourself up.  I promise, you are the least crazy alien person I’ve ever met.”

Kara chuckles a bit. Leave it to Winn to disarm her with a well-timed joke.  He really is the best.

“So you really don’t think I’m rushing things here?” she asks when her stomach has settled from the fit she’d almost worked herself up into.

“Only you can be the judge of that,” Winn says with a seldom used sagacity.

“C’mon...” Kara whines, wanting an answer.  Needing an answer.  Perhaps not so much to tell her what to do as to validate what she’s pretty much already decided to do.  It’s too late for her to back out with Alex now.  Her new lover may have been a self-proclaimed love ‘em and leave ‘em kind in her recent past, but she isn’t.  And that isn’t her being a prude either.  She can’t help how she’s wired.

By the time Krypton’s core went critical, individuals of high station such as hers had not practiced casual sex in centuries.  The primal urge to fornicate liberally was pruned from the noble gene pool in favor of sustainable pleasure after a tawdry affair plunged the country into a bloody civil war not unlike the ancient Greek conflict Homer wrote of in The Illiad.  Modern Kryptonians born into one of the major Houses confined their carnal gratification strictly within the boundaries of their marriages or with the long-term lover they kept while of age and still single or when their matrimonial matches proved less compatible than the genetic scientists who determined such things had predicted.  This structure virtually eliminated divorce and ensured optimally adjusted offspring.

Kara’s own mother and father had such arrangements on the side, and that was totally normal.  Though her exposure to her parents’ respective lovers was minimal, she knew them and respected both for the positive influence they contributed to her family.  Her Mom and Dad were happy, and that’s all that mattered to her. 

Her aunt Astra and uncle Non, though, did not need to seek out extra-marital fulfillment.  This confused a budding teenage Kara, who inquired of her mother not three months prior to Krypton’s destruction as to why Astra’s marriage was different from her twin sister’s. 

“You must understand, little star,” her mother had said, “marriages are arranged in the Great Houses with full compatibility in mind. But the science – advanced as it is – is not always able to account for every variable because it is limited by the conscious minds of those responsible for making those decisions.  On the other hand, matches freely made are inspired by areas of our brain that have been iterated upon and improved for nearly a thousand years.  As you know, your father and I did not have a choice when we were married, but that does not mean I do not love him.  I do, Kara, and with all of my heart and my mind.  Our bodies just do not have the same level of compatibility that Aunt Astra and Uncle Non do.  You see, your Aunt and Uncle married for love, not out of duty, and thus their bond is total: mind, heart, and body.  That is why their marriage is, as you say, different.”

Kara can remember thinking how she very much wanted to be able to choose her own partner like her Aunt did.  Looking back, she is pretty sure her Mom and Dad wanted that for her, too.  If she wished, she probably would have been permitted to make her own match, especially with Kal-El’s birth on the horizon.  The burdens of leadership would not have been incumbent upon her if she so desired to cede her position of preeminence as elder to her double first cousin.  There is no way of predicting what she would have chosen now, though she likes to dream that maybe, just maybe, for once she’d have ultimately bucked her own propensity to prioritize duty over happiness. 

Of course, there is not only that disposition for forming permanent attachments she has to account for.  Attraction for Kara is two-fold, as it is for humans, in that she can be enamored of a person’s personality or appearance or both.  The difference for her lies in her mother’s birds and the bees talk.  Her brain, and to an exponentially advanced degree beyond the more primitive human organ, is programmed to extrapolate sexual compatibility with a potential partner, subconsciously factoring in all variables at speeds orders of magnitude beyond any machine on Earth – variables such as the prospective individual’s health, measurements, personality and any other critical predilections detected by the ultra-highly attuned instinctual part of her mind.  Hundreds upon hundreds of years of refinement through the birthing matrix have made this process close to flawless, and the more she interacts with a person, the more accurate it gets. 

In other words, when picking out potential partners, her brain doesn’t make mistakes. The implications on Earth are significant.  Without the family to arrange a marriage outside of those parameters, she will, ninety-nine percent of the time, be drawn to individuals who will make exemplary lovers.  All that remains for her to determine the fitness of said individual to be a viable partner for life is her own willingness to be brave.  In her current dilemma, not only has her brain has already calculated out the equation, but she’s already acted out the solution.  For hours.  Thirty-two hours, forty-three minutes, and twenty-seven exquisite seconds to be exact.  And that math says she and Alex are definite life-mate material.

The point, though, is that she simply isn’t capable of sharing intimacy with someone without forming an insoluble connection.  In fact, had they been on Krypton and had she been allowed to choose her own partner, she would be probably be using the upcoming museum date to make things official with Alex.  Not proposal official, but certainly with a promise of that in the future.  Her own biology would demand that she cement their bond, and the honor of her House would depend upon it.  Of course, if this were Krypton, Alex would accept because she would be in the same boat as Kara is.  But this isn’t Krypton.  And Alex isn’t Kryptonian.   

Nevertheless, while Krypton may be gone, Kara still considers herself a Scion of the House of El above any Earthly designation, and with her body already yearning to be reunited with her lover, she has already determined she is pretty much done for.  Maybe if only one urge was in play, she could cut ties and write off her experience with Alex as a youthful experiment or a regrettable lapse in judgment.  But her sense of duty is screaming at her just as loud as her body is to make Alex hers, and she doesn’t think she has the strength to deny both cravings.

Hearing some encouragement from Winn sure would make her feel better, though.  A little, at least.  Not that she feels bad per se so much as she’s bull-rushed into an unnervingly unusual situation of her own making.  In essence, and at the risk of being crass, she has fucked herself in love.  With a human who won’t understand what she’s going through.  It’s all enough to make her head spin as is without having to worry about Alex’s reaction to her inevitably impending and bound-to-be-awkward clingyness.

So I had this idea that Kryptonian’s in the Great Houses self-evolved to be less messy with sex than humans are.  It makes sense to me this would be the case, not only for optimal child rearing, but for avoiding the potential pitfalls of a casual approach to intimacy such as social and/or familial instability.  Some of this is due to my abhorrence of hook-up culture.  Call me old fashioned in that way, but I prefer commitment.  My take on Kryponian society is that they do, too.  Feel free to disagree.   

Anyway, this is the result.  Poor Kara was set up from the outset to fall for Alex.  Her only concern is whether or not Alex will feel the same.  *spoiler alert*  She will!

[unchartedterritoria]

Dangerous (Sam Drake x OC) - Chapter 24

*NEW CHAPTER*

Still going to re-blog the old until I am caught up to here, which should be very soon. Per usual, if you don’t want to read this here, you can always read it on A03 using the link below:

Dangerous Chapter 24 Link

Chapter Summary:

After waking up from a drunken night together, Sam and Faith ponder where do they go from here.

Faith awoke the next morning to a dull throbbing behind her eyes. As she sat up with a groan, her brain pulsed steadily in her skull. She ground the palms of her hands into her closed eyes, the pain serving as a reminder to her why she rarely got drunk.

She felt Sam stir in bed next to her. Her hands dropped from her face. She hadn't been blackout drunk but she sure as hell couldn't remember everything from the night before. One phrase, however, came to the forefront, reverberating from her memory: satisfying a curiosity.

Faith looked at Sam, who was still surprisingly asleep, his naked form covered at the navel with a faded blue blanket. Arm tucked behind the back of his neck while his head lolled off to the side, resting comfortably on his shoulder as he slept next to her. Her eyes traveled up his bare and muscled torso as her aching brain treated her to vivid memories from the night before, ones that she could still feel. The taste of whiskey and tobacco on Sam's tongue as he kissed her urgently against the hotel room wall. The way his hands had gripped the sides of her hips, digging into her soft flesh as she had rocked and ground them urgently against his own. The distinct feel of his firm lips as they kissed and teased her hardened nipples. The timbre of his deep moan, the one that he made with his head back, jaw set and eyes closed tight.

A smile tugged at the corner of Faith's mouth, despite her headache. She slipped quietly out of bed and grabbed her tank top that had been thrown on the floor hastily the night before. Pulling it over her head, she made her way to the bathroom, closing the door soundlessly behind her. She shook four aspirin from the bottle on the counter into her hand and washed them down with great big gulps of water from the bathroom faucet. The cold water went down hard but helped the nasty case of cottonmouth that came from a night of whiskey drinking. Faith rubbed her face and stared at herself in the mirror.

"You know that was probably a bad idea, right? Was it worth it?" She asked aloud to her reflection. A small red blemish peeked out from behind the auburn locks of her hair. She pulled the messy strands up and turned her head to see a blotch of reddish purple on her neck situated just underneath the back of her ear. Faith's jaw dropped in shock, but the memory of Sam's lips gently sucking on the soft, sensitive spot of her body turned her expression quickly into that of a dopey grin.

“Yup, worth it,” She told herself in the mirror with a chuckle.

Still smiling, Faith gave her hair a quick finger comb and headed back into their main room to find Sam finally awake.

“Good morning,” Sam's greeted her, his voice extra gravelly.

“Morning,” She mumbled sheepishly, rubbing the back of her head.

“How ya feelin'?”

"Eh, just the head. Could be worse."  

She slid back into bed next to Sam, the crisp sheets feeling good on her warm body.

“You tied one on pretty good last night,” He said, turning towards her on his side, mildly impressed.

“I know! I'm not the going out and getting hammered kind of person. But yesterday, yesterday I just really need to,” She said emphatically.

“Hey, I get it. The last few days, work's gettin' us nowhere, and a hard day yesterday, you had to let off a little steam. Decompress so to speak.”

Sam gently ran his index finger down Faith's forearm, circling her knuckles before traveling back to her elbow and beginning the rotation again.

"No regrets?" He asked the small patch of the white sheet between them, unsure he would be able to meet her eyes depending on her answer.

Faith lay quietly next to Sam for a moment, tracing small patterns idly with her finger on the bed. She knew what she was getting herself into when she kissed him last night, booze or no booze. The feelings that she had for Sam had been consistently growing with each passing day and, being honest with herself; she was just so damn lonely. But she wasn't some starry-eyed teenager; she didn't expect one night together to mean anything other than what it was, a night of fun. Faith knew that once this was over, with or without that treasure, he would be gone and she would never see him again. I'm good with my one night, she told herself.

“Not a one,” she said, a small, warm smile on her lips as she finally met his eyes. “You?”

“Me? Nope, life's too short for that,” He said, pulling her close to him so she could lay her head on his bare chest.

“So where do we go from here?” Faith asked, staring at the cracked ceiling of the hotel room.

Sam's body tensed. He wasn't ready for this conversation. He had feelings for Faith, and they had had a night of fun, but in all honesty, he had no idea how to answer that question.  

One roll in the hay a relationship does not make; she's smart enough to know that. Last night was just to have a little fun and satisfy a curiosity or two like she said. Right? Right! So what the hell is she asking?

“What do you mean?” He asked cautiously.

“We got no leads left to follow, where do we go next?”

"Oh," He said with a soundless chuckle, the tension escaping his body, "I don't know. I'll put a call into Victor, see if he has any ideas. Other than that, I got nothin'."

Faith drummed her feet anxiously under the blanket.

“I got one more place we should go.”

“Yeah? Where?”

“We should visit Robert.”

Sam's brow furrowed.

“Who the hell is Robert?” He questioned.

“Robert is a doll...possibly with magical powers,” She explained, trying to pick her words out delicately.

Sam lifted her chin. He wanted to make sure he heard this right.

“You're kidding me, right?”

"It can also curse people," She finished matter-of-factly.

“And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of the line, we're down to magic dolls,” He quipped as he slid out of bed. Faith sighed and pushed her head back into the pillows.

Sam slid on a pair of black chinos and grabbed his cigarettes. He needed his morning smoke. Lighting one quickly, he opened the door to the room. As he stood in the doorway, he grabbed the overhead frame, stretching the morning ache out of his back.

“C'mon, it's at that Martello Tower place, the one we passed a couple of times on our way out to Stock Island. Maybe it can point us in the right direction,” Faith said half-heartedly.

“It's a doll, sweetheart, not a crystal ball.” “Maybe if we asked him nicely,” She said, propping herself up on her elbows to look at him.

Sam shot her a look, one as if she had grown another head.

"I know it's not gonna talk to me," Faith chuffed. "Fine, Ronni at the bar told me about it, and it sounded cool, so honestly, I'm sure it will get us nowhere but I just really want to see a haunted doll," She confessed.

“Wouldn't it have been easier if you had just said that?” Sam eyed her.

“Yes.”

Faith sat up, wrapping her arms around a bent knee.

"Hey, Sam?"

“Yeah?”

“You didn't dream last night, did you?” She asked him gingerly.

Sam stood in the doorway frozen by her question. He hadn't even realized that it was the first time in years he hadn't had his Panamanian nightmare. He didn't have it every night, but his subconscious managed to manifest it in some twisted form at least a couple times a week. Last night marked a week without the dreams.

"No, I didn't," He spoke, gazing at the parking lot in front of him, watching the waves of heat wiggle on the black asphalt.

“Good, seems like they've been getting better.”

“They have,” He agreed, recalling a faint memory of Faith, a twisted one of her in a witches hat where she rubbed his chest and told him that everything was alright while she stared at him with her brown eyes big bright and sincere.

"What do dream about?" She pressed. She had tried her best to piece together what Sam's nightmares were about to no avail. Between the pained grunts and moans in his sleep, she had managed to decipher the words 'jail', 'Nathan,' 'pal' and 'animal,' words that only left about eight million scenarios to chose from. After a couple of nights not being woken up by Sams sweaty thrashing, Faith figured it was worth a shot to see if he would talk about it.

In the sound of the distant waves, Sam heard the echo of Rafe's drunken laughter. Gooseflesh flashed across his arms as he took a final drag off of his smoke.

"Bein' chased by a big bowl of spaghetti. Lots of scary sauce, giant meatballs, it's terrifying," Sam told her as he pitched his cigarette butt into the parking lot and closed the door to their room.

Faith snorted and shook her head. She had pressed just a little too far.

“So, haunted doll?” He asked.

“Haunted doll,” She said, grabbing a hair tie from the nightstand next to her. With her hair raised in her hands, Sam saw the purplish mark crawling out from under her ear.

"Holy shit, did I do that?" He gasped, coming toward her to get a closer look. Faith finished threading her hair through the elastic as Sam examined it, gently moving the stray hairs out of his way.

Feeling his gentle touch on her neck made Faith want to close her eyes and give in to the full body moan that was trying to escape her. Biting her lip, she pushed the urge down.

“Yeah buster, that was all you,” She said accusingly.

“Wow. Normally they're more of a fuschia,” Sam said as he admired his handiwork.

Faith uttered a sigh of disgust and batted his hand away.

“Didn't anyone teach you it's tacky to leave hickeys?” She chastised.

Sam turned toward the window and pointed behind him to his back.

“Yeah? And what about these?”

Four parallel scratches ran across both his shoulder blades while small crescent indented dashes dotted around his shoulders. The long marks weren't deep enough to draw blood, but the scraped skin formed puffy, rosy pink lines on his back.

Faith looked down guiltily as the blood rushed to her face.

“Wounds of a job well done!” Faith said with giggly enthusiasm.

[ymd3signs]

How To Design Happiness

Design, at its heart, is about solving problems. That’s why it’s so easy to talk to designers. They can explain exactly how their interface is built to help you navigate through your phone, or how a device was shaped to make it possible for mass manufacturing on the assembly line.

But throughout hundreds of conversations with designers, I’ve begun to wonder: If most people’s goal is to live a happy life, why did I never hear designers explain how they’d built something to make me happy?

At SXSW, I moderated an event called Designing Happiness. Its experts included Bruce Vaughn, former chief creative exec with Disney Imagineering; Gabby Etrog Cohen, senior vice president of PR and brand strategy at SoulCycle; and Randall Stone, director of experience innovation at Lippincott. All three brands strive to create happy experiences, not as an afterthought, but as the first step in what they do. It is an approach that’s paid enormous dividends for each company. Here’s what they taught me:

HAPPINESS IS MOSTLY THE ANTICIPATION OF AN EVENT AND MEMORY OF IT

“Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so,” said the philosopher John Stuart Mill. It’s a paradox at the heart of happiness. We are hardwired to enjoy the anticipation of a joyous event and savour the memory. But in that actual moment of experience? It can be hard to tell.

So at the creative consultancy Lippincott, designers have a theory called the Happiness Halo–and it’s built upon reconstructing happiness as a three-act structure of anticipation, experience, and memory.

“First it’s about creating anticipation,” Stone explains. “That’s really strong–both from a psychological standpoint but also the anticipation of the experience is sometime greater [than experience]. It goes back to our primitive skills of releasing dopamine. It’s our hunting skills. If we didn’t have this sense of anticipation, we would have starved to death a long time ago.”

Anticipation is so powerful that being excited about a big event, like running a marathon, can give you as much joy as actually completing it.

“The experience itself is really important,” Stone continues, “but an experience is never perfect, and you don’t weigh an experience by adding it up over time. It’s not like you add four and five and get a score that equals happiness. You actually remember the high moment and the end moment, and the most important thing is the memory.”

The end moment is particularly profound–and it’s something every good waiter already knows. One study found that waiters who gave mints at the end of the meal received 3% higher tips, while those who presented the mints with just a bit more effort, asking the question “would anyone like mints at the end of their meal?” received 14% higher tips. It shows that we’re biased to remember endings by nature (remember that when penning your next novel).

YOU NEED A MOMENT OF TRANSITION TO ESCAPE THE REAL (UNHAPPY) WORLD

Anticipation reveals something else about happiness: That with all of the micro-stresses we experience in our daily lives, it helps us to prepare ourselves to be happy, to decompress, wipe our consciousness, and open ourselves to joy.

Disney and SoulCycle both craft experiences specifically to accommodate this transitional time. At Disney, they call it a “portal.”

“Think about Disneyland where you literally go through a dark tunnel, kind of a mythic experience where you go through a compressed space and come out the other side,” Vaughn says. “Architects use this a lot; Frank Lloyd Wright used this a lot in his houses. You’ve completely left the world you were in, and you’re in a very very different world. The sites, the sounds, the smells . . . suddenly you’re in this world where there are marching bands and the smell of fudge and horses and giant mice that are waving at you and people who are very friendly and people are hugging big bears, and it’s just fine . . . and without that transition, without stepping through a portal, you lose that opportunity to reset the state of mind of guests.”

Likewise, every SoulCycle location has been built to accommodate what the company calls the “crossover.” “We purposefully design our spaces so that when you are leaving your class, another class is coming in,” Cohen says. The “crossover” isn’t anything fancy. One cyclist friend describes it as a “hallway lined with lockers.” But that hallway is an important two-way street, designed for the people coming in to cross paths with the people coming out. For the sweatless, it’s a taste of things to come. For the exercised, it’s an audience to provide validation–the cherry on top of their hard work. And for both sides, it can create a longer-lead experience to the next SoulCycle class.

“There are these interactions where you’re rubbing up against people, to purposefully create community,” Cohen says. “It’s all about creating relationships with people so that you’re not just walking out anonymously to your next venture in life.”

EMPLOYEES NEED TO BE EMPOWERED TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY, SANS APPROVAL

If any experience is anti-happy, it’s bureaucracy. (Consider how a trip to the DMV is more or less the least happy experience on earth.) And so it should come as little surprise that companies that know how to make customers happy enable their employees to make customers happy.

For instance, take the Haute N.Y.C. dining establishment Eleven Madison Park. Not only does it serve some of the most beautifully plated, scrumptiously paired flavours in the world, but it also employs a staff member called the Dreamweaver. The Dreamweaver is like a concierge for the experience. As Stone tells the story, on one occasion, visitors from out of town expressed that their only regret was not having a slice of N.Y.C. pizza. And so the Dreamweaver responded.

“[The Dreamweaver] jumped in a cab–and here you’re getting a very expensive, multicourse meal–and one of the courses was an authentic slice of New York pizza so they could have everything on their list checked off,” Stone says. “So, if you talk to [Eleven Madison Park], they say, yes, we use food to deliver an experience, but we want you to leave with a memory of being here–not necessarily the dish or the course. It’s about making it a memorable night.”

The Dreamweaver is an empowered decision-maker, focused on customer experience, just like Disney’s “cast members,” who are allowed to intervene and cheer up someone having a bad day at the park. A cast member is trained from day one so that if she sees a problem, she can take care of it. She can replace a child’s spilt popcorn or ice cream; no middle management questions asked. But there’s also a highly organized system of communication that allows cast members to pull off more astonishing feats, too. (Have you ever read the tear-jerking story of Toby, the Bear?)

It’s why cast members–not the million-dollar attractions–are Disney’s highest-rated touchpoint at its parks.

SURPRISE IS THE KEY TO DELIGHT, AND IT’S MUNDANELY EASY TO SURPRISE PEOPLE

These happiness interventions, staged by employees, are the perfect opportunity to inject an essential element into happy experiences: surprise. Much like beginnings and endings, we’re cognitively predisposed to remember surprises, too. And when you have employees primed to surprise customers, it’s far easier to pull off the feat.

“At SoulCycle, we have a program that’s actually called ‘surprise and delight’ where everyone of our managers and key holders has a budget to be able to surprise and delight our riders—whoever they want,” Cohen says. “And that’s at any level. Whether that’s putting a gift in their locker, taking them out to coffee, putting a cupcake on their bike for their birthday, or if a kid just went off to college, and they send them a T-shirt . . . it can be any number of things, because relationships matter.”

A surprise is a tool that’s more effective at dealing with angry customers than catharsis. Complaining verbally actually makes people more upset by reinforcing their negative sentiments. But empowering an employee gives the company a chance to recover–to leave a surprisingly positive signpost in customers’ memories of an evening.

And truth be told, it’s also not that hard to surprise people if you put just a little bit of thought into it.

“It’s about making the mundane memorable,” Stone says. “You can take the most mundane moment of any experience interaction or process and bring it to life.” His example is when checking into the Park Hyatt of Chicago, you’re offered a series of five or so pens. They’re not just Bics. Instead, they might be brass or tortoiseshell or any pen you’d see used by a pen lover.

“They put the box in front of you and for that moment, you sit there and ponder, which pen is the most beautiful? Which reflects my personality?” Stone says. “You ask the person checking in next to you, ‘Which pen are you going to pick?’ And suddenly the most mundane moment becomes one of delight because you’re signing the Magna Carta with this pen. It’s no longer a plastic pen; it’s a ceremony.”

NATURE KNOWNS HAPPINESS BEST BECAUSE WE’RE ALL BARELY TAMED BEASTS

According to Disney’s Vaughn, happiness is real “lizard brain” stuff that’s mostly satisfying the concerns of our core instincts. That is why, fundamentally, Walt Disney’s philosophy was that a key to happiness was feeling safe, and his parks were designed to make you feel safe.

At one level, the parks themselves are designed at a human scale. The streets aren’t built for cars but spaced for pedestrians. And despite their liberal use of concrete, Disney parks are teeming with organic materials.

“In our theme parks, there’s a lot of what we call the ‘living show’—actual live plants, living plants, a lot of water, all these things work on the subconscious level to give reassurance,” Vaughn says. “Great cities have this as well. In the city of Paris there’s a lot of food, a lot of bistros and things. People are very reassured by food.”

We crave the resources of nature, and having them on hand makes us happy. Of course, if you subscribe to this philosophy, the world can look pretty silly! Your favourite water feature is no longer about the sculpture or the art, but a means to tell your basest instincts, “It’s okay, there’s water nearby to drink.”

LEAVE YOUR CUSTOMER WITH A KISS GOODNIGHT

But as I mentioned earlier, endings are necessary. At Disney, they call it a “kiss goodnight,” the perfectly timed element that can turn even a mediocre experience into a fantastic memory.

In Orlando, this could be the spectacular fireworks show. At SoulCycle, it would be the last uplifting track played by the DJ, or the aforementioned “crossover,” where you smile on your way out, feeling accomplished, among other riders about to go in. Even Lyft and Uber have a sort of kiss goodnight, Stone argues. In removing the cash transaction at the end of a traditional cab ride, you can share the briefest of human moments with your driver: a real “thank-you.”

At SXSW, keeping in mind the importance of the power of surprise and the kiss goodnight, while recognizing that nature can give us happiness in a way nothing else can, we had an idea:

“Look at the puppy—if anyone doesn’t feel like the puppy is the embodiment of happiness and joy, then you have no soul, so for me,” Vaughn said. “I feel like nature has done it perfectly, and from there it gets hard.”

So we went full-on Oprah, and we released puppies to the audience. (They were a Lab-Golden Retriever mix–totes adorbs.) Now look, I’m not going to claim it was a tsunami of puppies or anything. We only had ten puppies for a room of 600 people. That’s a 60:1 person to puppy ratio! But the resulting happiness in the place was palpable. People climbed over one another to take photos like the paparazzi. They shared stories of their pets back home while waiting for their turn for puppy snuggles. And of course, their faces melted when they held the pups. In case there was any scepticism that you can design, not just for solving problems, but for solving one of humanity’s biggest problems, I can attest, if you can make someone smile when walking out of an hour-long talk in a hotel ballroom? You can make someone smile just about anywhere.

[sunaddicted]

Beginnings (00qad)

Happy Polyamory Day, 007 Fest! This is my fill for Prompt 43 of the Anonymous Prompt Exchange Beginnings James looked up from his book when Danny let a box slam down on the coffee table, an eyebrow arched inquiringly to prompt an answer out of the younger man while he slipped his index finger between the pages to keep his place marked. “It’s a puzzle” Danny answered, sitting down on the carpeted floor. Q let out a small but delighted noise, shaking himself out of his light dozing in order to crawl out of James’ lap and get closer to the coffee table; James gently held him by his hipbone, steadying his uncoordinated movements and making sure that he wouldn’t topple over in his half-asleep state. Danny opened the box and immediately Turing came snooping, paws curiously sorting through the coloured pieces “How do you usually sort them?” “By colour” Q hummed, absentmindedly pushing away Turing’s head, wanting to avoid the cat accidentally swallowing one of the pieces which would have made their lazy afternoon quite a lot less enjoyable “Landscape?” he asked, curiously looking at the pieces almost as if attempting at making a sense of the image with a glance - just like he did when he saw an equation and his brain wouldn’t need more than a handful of seconds to go through all the calculations and get to the result. “Even better” the other said “ It’s a reproduction of The Fighting Temeraire - I think we should keep our own copy here at home” “That blasted painting” James let out in a fond groan and sat up, leaving his book abandoned on the sofa so that he could lean over and start to sort through the pieces; he honestly couldn’t remember the last time he had sat down to put together a puzzle, probably sometime before his parents had died: James hadn’t been much for childish pastimes once he had found himself an orphan filled with resentment and grief. “You should also separate the ones that are part of the frame from the others” Alex pointed out as he entered the living room, a plate full of freshly baked biscuits in hand and Pampuria following him, clearly aiming at the plate’s content. He sat down next to James, moving the book aside after slipping a piece of paper between the pages and closing it, so that the spine wouldn't get all creased “They're the easiest pieces to isolate” Alex offered as an explanation, narrowing his eyes as he focused on the pieces in the box and grinned when he singled one out thanks to one of its edges being completely straight and held it up triumphantly “See?” James smiled; he loved seeing Alex and Q's formidable brains and logical way of thinking applied to the most simple things “So, what strategy do you suggest?” Had it been for him, James would have simply upended the box and started putting together the pieces that clearly stood out as belonging together.   Which, he supposed, was quite an appropriate metaphor to also describe the different ways they went about missions and work in general - analysis versus instinct. “For tonight, we should sort the pieces in different groups” Danny piped up from around a bite of biscuit, his hand outstretched over to Pampuria so that she could lick at the crumbles sticking to his digits. Alex nodded “Four groups” “Five” Q hummed “Frame pieces.  Ships pieces.  Sea pieces.  Clear sky pieces.  Cloudy sky pieces” he listed, lifting a finger up for every main item present in the painting as he easily recalled them.   Alex bumped his and James’ shoulders together “You look for the frame pieces” “Because they're easier?” “And because you don't know the painting that well” Danny added with a grin before cramming the other half of the biscuit in his mouth. James shrugged “Fine. Less work for me” Pampuria jumped on the coffee table and mewed out aloud, swiping angrily at the pieces with her floofy tail, scattering them around to attract their attention. It had taken them two evenings to separate all the pieces in five piles and, by the time they were ready to start on the frame on the third night, a mission had landed on James’ lap and, as usual, Q appointed himself his handler to make sure he'd make it back home as unharmed as possible.   Neither Danny nor Alex were in the mood of starting on the puzzle on their own; without the specific intention of making it so, it had become an activity that the four of them could do together - another way to share an interest and time with the others and to deepen their bond. So, that evening - and for the following week - Danny and Alex cuddled, read and caught up on Tv series with Q whenever someone at work managed to send him home for a while. When James finally came back, bruised and too wired up to stand their touches, opening the slightly dusty box seemed the best thing they could do to spend time together without risking overwhelming and triggering James. They worked quietly, silence broken only by a few murmured words. For once, Alex had decided to let his ‘No smoking indoors’ rule slide and even if he'd done so for James in case he wished to do so to decompress a little, soon enough Q and Danny too were sharing a cigarette between them.  Alex wrinkled his nose a bit at the smell of burning tobacco, but nothing could put a damper on the relief he felt at the fact that James was back at home safe. *** Q squinted at the scattered pieces on the lid of the box before shifting his gaze to the coffee table on which the frame had been proudly completely put together, looking to and fro from one to another in an attempt at finding a piece from where to start; they had decided to begin from the sky, Danny having managed to persuade them that it was the easiest part and that working their way down from that would be better - Q wasn't quite sure about the reason why, but he hadn't complained: they needed to start from somewhere, after all.   James chuckled and dropped a kiss over the untidy mop of Q's tangled and unruly curls as he leaned over and grabbed a piece just from under the younger man's nose and slotted it neatly into place “Someone needs to get stronger glasses” he teased in an almost singing voice. That and an outraged noise coming from Q, they prompted a hearty laugh out of Danny who, rather gleefully, added another piece to the puzzle. “This is unfair!” Q cried out and, immediately, Pampuria jumped up on his lap as if to comfort him - though, everyone knew that she just wanted an excuse to dig her little sharp claws into someone. Or so James claimed and his judgement couldn't really be trusted when it came to Pam.   “Or maybe you're just distracted” Alex said in a soothing manner, fingers steepled under his chin as he observed the portion of puzzle they had completed; after glancing at the watch on James’ wrist, Alex decided that it definitely was time for a break - it wasn't as if they had a deadline to respect “Time to go to sleep” James frowned “It's only ten and a half” he said, aware of sounding a bit like a kid complaining about curfew. “I'm horny” Alex retorted, arching an eyebrow as if to challenge the other man to contradict him. “Definitely bed time!” James concurred, tugging Q up from his spot on the floor and hurried towards the bedroom “Come on, Danny! You can put everything in order tomorrow morning!” he shouted as he unceremoniously dumped Q on the bed, who let out a surprised shriek. Alex wasn’t exactly surprised to hear that noise turn into an obscenely loud moan. “Are you really horny?” Danny inquired, studying Alex’s face to read his real thoughts in his eyes; he might have been a spy, but Alex never felt the need to keep up masks around the house, where he was safe and surrounded by people who cherished and loved him. Alex pulled DAnny in his arms, fingers gently wrapped around the back of his scalp so that he could tilt the younger man’s head upwards in order to kiss him “Well, not exactly horny but I wouldn’t say no to a little tumble in the sheets” he whispered, lips brushing their way up from Danny’s cheekbone to his temple. Q let out another indecently loud moan and Danny snorted fondly “Let’s go then or Q will have all the fun” he encouraged, standing up and leading Alex to the bedroom. Both their lovers had already lost their clothes, now strewn all over the room; James had his head buried between Q’s smooth thighs, clearly making an extremely good use of his tongue if the way the younger man was thrashing on the bed was of any indication. Admittedly, it was a sight that Alex would never tire of: it always managed to make him feel both aroused and deeply ashamed of himself, mind instantly filled by slurs he tried to drown out - Danny’s mouth sucking a hickey on the side of his neck was definitely helping and Alex let his head fall to the side, giving the other more space to work on. Now that he thought about it, between James’ mission and the puzzle, Alex couldn’t remember the last time they had sex all together and he found that he had missed the shared physical intimacy. “Come here” Q panted, green eyes wide open behind his smudged glasses and his whole torso stained a dusty pink by a flush “Please, come here. I need you” “You’re so beautiful, little love” Alex whispered, bending down to directly kiss a moan away from Q’s spit-slicked lips while Danny plastered himself to James’ back , digits tenderly fluttering over over puckered scars and faded burn marks; he had never been attracted by scars - he had never found them particularly exciting or disgusting -  but Danny knew how self-conscious they could make James sometimes and, if there was something Danny really cared about, it was making his lovers feel comfortable and at peace with themselves. Only that mattered. *** James was too tired to actually focus on the puzzle, but he wanted his lovers to keep going at it so, he had his head in Alex’s lap and enjoyed the caresses to his hair while they sorted through the pieces. He hadn’t been sleeping well lately, his subconscious bringing up some truly gruesome nightmares that had forced James to spend sleepless nights on the sofa with the cats to avoid disturbing his lovers’ rest - or, worse, hurt them: sometimes, the images were so vivid that he couldn’t help lashing out in self-defence. James raised his gaze, eyes looking for Q’s face, and he felt his stomach lurch at the sight of the bruise just under the other’s left eye, glaringly purple against his pale skin; victim of a rather crude dream and somebody’s threateningly wandering hands, James had struck out in panic and almost broken Q’s nose with a single blow. As if perceiving how troubled he was feeling, Alex slightly increased the pressure of his digits on his scalp, trying to drown out the thoughts whirling around his brain with a soothing massage. It helped, a little bit. Not to the point that James could forget about hurting Q in such a way. Quietly, Danny started to hum a slow song and James, consumed by tiredness, let his eyelids fall closed. *** “And here we are, the last piece” Danny said proudly. It had taken them a little over three weeks to complete the puzzle, it felt good putting in place the last piece, even if Danny had to admit that he would miss the evenings spent together in such a way. There was a frame ready for the completed puzzle and, amidst some colourful swearwords and cursing, James had hammered the necessary nails to later hang it to the wall. Q’s eyes twinkled with mischief behind his glasses “what do you see?” James rolled his eyes at the cheeky question, remembering in every detail their first meeting “A bloody big ship” he obliged, prompting a delighted chuckle out of Danny as he slotted the last piece into place. “We need one of Lambeth bridge too” Q observed “We can always go and take a picture, if we can’t find a puzzle: there’s loads of places where they print pictures on blank puzzles” Danny cocked his head to the side with curiosity “Why?” “Because that’s where we met the first time, Danny” Alex realised after a second “That’s where we began”

[tipsycad147]

5 Acts of Self-Care You Can (And Should!) Do Today!

Here are my five recommendations for self-care that you can (and should!) do TODAY!  Alternate nostril breathing (yoga) Admittedly, this is super weird looking if you've never tried it. But please trust me on this—it's SO calming! AND it can be done anywhere because you don't need to move. So no excuses! Take three good minutes to yourself! Not only does it help to balance the left and right brain (which can get off kilter with overthinking and fretting), but it helps you to centre yourself and clear your mind. You may not even realise you're stressed, but let's face it—daily life is stressful. So take a minute or two (Or five. Or ten.) and try alternate nostril breathing. Stretch Ever notice your dog or cat stretch every single time they get up after laying down? That’s not by accident. Take a moment to REALLY stretch. To feel the air as it moves through your lungs. To listen to your body and take note of any tension. Stand up right now and stretch. Breathe oxygen into your muscles. Give your neck and shoulders some much needed movement. Check in with your body and see what it needs, where it hurts, what feels good to move. Not only will your muscles thank you, but the circulation of blood will help you think clearer and release a nice dose of endorphins! Turn off the news Or Facebook. Or twitter. Trust me, it’s stressing you out more than you think. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and a little burned out, disconnect from anything that's feeding you negativity, which includes the news and updates from Jessica who you haven't seen since high school but seems subconsciously hellbent on convincing the world that her life is without flaw one Instagram photo at a time. Come on now. We both know she’s not that happy… Treat yourself to a treat When was the last time you bought yourself a scoop of ice cream? Or that chocolate croissant you drool over every time you walk past that quaint little bakery downtown? As silly as it sounds, take yourself out for a treat. You. Alone. Buy that cup of gourmet coffee. Indulge in gelato. Not for the kids. Not while you and your husband discuss the budget. Just you, sumptuous silence, and a decadent treat. It might seem silly, but it's spiritually nourishing to pamper oneself with something you wouldn't ordinarily do. Laugh at your to-do list If you’re anything like me, your to-do list is really three days’ worth of work. I do it all the time. But when I feel stressed out, I step back and take a moment to analyse my to-do list realistically. It’s just not possible for me to write three posts, get in an hour of exercise, clean the entire house, make a grocery list, take a shower, wash and fold the laundry, and you know, maybe eat a meal. It’s not going to happen. On days when my planner looks like a package of Sharpies blew up on my schedule, I select one or two things that are important and recognise the rest can wait. …And then I generally decompress for a few minutes with a book.  Because when you’re feeling overwhelmed, the best thing you can do for yourself is break the cycle and restart after you’ve had some time to reset. You’ll usually find most of what you thought was imperative is not really the end of human civilisation as we know it. And, counter-intuitively, I'm usually more productive after I've allowed myself to rest without guilt. And remember, if all else fails, watch some adorable puppy videos. Hell, that's why Youtube was invented! ;)

http://www.pennilesspagan.com/2017/01/5-acts-of-self-care.html

[raslas01-blog]

Read With Me

Book of the Week December 29, 2019

Read With Me: Choose Fi

Book of the Week December 22, 2019

Read With Me: Atomic Habits

This book starts out with the author being hit right between the eyes with a baseball bat landing him in a coma. Coming back from this he became an amazing athlete through using the steps in his book to create atomic habits to get him where he wanted to be in life. He created a series of systems that allowed him to improve by 1%, consistently leading him to the successful person he is today. I like the way the author breaks down the 1% rule. It helps simplify the steps to creating better habits. He explains the origin of habits and how they are used to simplify our lives on a daily basis. Our brain is wired to reduce the amount of thinking on tasks we’ve done in the past. The brain uses basic problem-solving skills on a subconscious level to create habits through our daily interactions in life. Our brain creates cravings based on cause and effect and rewards. We wake up each morning and follow a routine. For me this is coffee. My brain signals that I need coffee as soon as I open my eyes because that is how my brain associates becoming alert. This is a habit that has been ingrained in me since high school. If I was to decide that I wasn���t going to drink coffee anymore, I would have to retrain my brain to not crave coffee. With that being said, this book gives you baby steps on how to do just that. By making it less desirable and keeping it simple, you can eliminate bad habits and create better ones. This book will change your life through helping you create good habits and eliminate the bad ones. By improving ourselves by 1% consistently we live happier, healthier lives. Book of the Week December 15, 2019

Read With Me: Rewire Your Anxious Brain

I think this book makes a great follow up to Unfu*k yourself because it gets into how the brain works. It’s broken up into 3 sections. The first section explains the areas of the brain and how they affect your choices and habits. I found it difficult to follow the different areas of the brain and their responsibilities. It wasn’t difficult to understand, just hard for me to stay focused. Sometimes information is harder for me to stay focused on, I tend to wonder. The second part of the book get into strategies on how to have control over your thoughts. It includes ways to change your thinking and focus to reduce anxiety. It helps you become more of an optimist rather than a pessimist. By training your brain to have a more positive outlook on your life you reduce the stress around the fear of negative outcomes. If you plan for negativity, you produce negativity even in a positive situation. The author gives simple steps to catch the negative thoughts and turn them around. The outcome of any situation is always decided by the attitude you have when handling it. We make things out to be so much worse than they are. In the third section she talks about being mindful and using meditation to calm the overactive brain. I find meditation to be agonizingly hard. I try to meditate all the time. With all of the distractions we have around us, it’s no wonder it’s so difficult. I use journaling. I can’t shut my mind off, but I do enjoy letting it all run onto the paper. I found this be very motivating and beneficial to understanding all the thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis. With that being said I am working on trying to completely quiet my mind for 5 minutes a day. So, what did you think? Did you find any of the information in this book useful? I did. How did you feel about the techniques discussed? I love the way author broke things down and asked questions to allow you find your anxieties. Did you find anything that you are going to incorporate into your life? Do you feel that any of the authors ideas would make a difference? Please comment below, I would love to hear your take on this book and the others we read.  Don’t forget to get this weeks “Read With Me” book: Atomic Habits Book of the week December 8, 2019

Read With Me: Unfu*k Yourself

Unfu*k Yourself is a great book. I highly recommend it but only if you are truly ready to face yourself. This is a no gray area kind of book. It is not for the easily offended. If you are not ready to except that you put yourself in your situation and you need to get yourself out of it, then don’t read it. I am not easily offended. I read this book twice this week and it put me in such a bad mood both times. It wasn’t the book that did it, it was the truth it revealed. The first time I read it, it got under my skin. All the way through it I kept thinking; I try, I do these things, I’m not that bad, this is bullshit. The truth is, it pissed me off because it was right. We have more conversations in our subconscious on a daily basis that contradict our conscious thoughts and control our actions. These automatic negative thoughts have more power because we allow them to control our actions. Most of our lives are spent on autopilot. The only way to change that is to actively change our thoughts. Catch the self-sabotaging thoughts and override them to actions that align with the life you want. The second time I read it, I was just as mad but ready to except the truth. I’ve spent my life wining at building the life I have while wanting something better. I don’t mean that I am not happy with my life as a whole, I am. I have a great life with a great family. What I mean is, like most us, I have goals that I’m not living up to. When you read this book, you’ll realize that you are getting exactly what you want. We are all in our own way. This is what made me angry. We tell ourselves and everyone what we want out of life but the decisions we make on a daily basis reflect exactly what we have. We make plans instead of actions. This why we go in circles never getting anywhere. If you want to lose weight instead of planning on getting up early and going to the gym, just do it. If your trying to save money and be financially responsible and then go to Walmart and spend most of your paycheck, you’re getting exactly what you want “more stuff” and no savings. Sound familiar, it does to me. Stop and ask yourself, “is this what I really want,” next time you’re going against what you say you want. Book of the week December 1, 2019

Read With Me: Living Well Spending Less

Living Well Spending Less is a 12 step Christian program for taking control of your finances. I love that the author isn’t preaching about how great she is in following these steps. She is a shopaholic that still struggles at times. As you read this book, it goes from 12 step finance program to more like a way of life program that will leave you feeling happy and with purpose. Living your life in a way that brings community rather than stuff will bring true inner happiness. She includes steps for decluttering your house. The steps can be hard but the outcome is well worth it. Make your home a comfortable, happy place. Take time to appreciate those around you. More focus on the service of others leads to less focus on filling a void with STUFF. The author also includes many tips and resources on how to live well and spend less. This was a great book or guide to life that included many bible passages as well as how to incorporate Gods teachings into our everyday lives. Book of the week November 24, 2019

Read With Me: Lifespan

A rider had recommended this book to me. Lifespan is a scientific book about aging that is not too technical for an average reader. The breakthroughs that the authors team has are incredible. Could you imagine living to be 120. Could you imagine living to be 120 without the agony that comes with aging. I’m not sure how I feel about living to be that old but the idea of having a better quality of life in my my old age is intriguing. I think the author does a great job of discussing the ethical side of his research too. He gets his view across while still questioning it. I honestly don’t know how I feel about it. I want to live a longer, happy life but I worry about the impact a longer life would make. We have already significantly increased life expectancy so much over the last 100 years, how far can we increase it in the next 100 years? At this point I don’t like genetically modified foods so idea of genetically modifying myself is crazy. I do feel that this the future. I think medicine will look completely different and people will live a long time. I enjoyed this book. It was a little different from what I usually read and it had me questioning myself at times. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone fighting age. Book of the week November 9, 2019

Read With Me: The Miracle Morning

This book was one of the best books I’ve read this year. Hal Elrod is an amazing human being. The stuggles that this man has gone through in his life make most of ours just a bad day. The life altering struggles that he over comes empowers you in a way that other books fall short. The simplicity of his process makes it seem too easy to produce results. The busyness in our own heads makes it hard to decompress. He explains how to do just that in small bits of time. Starting your day everyday in the right state of mind, feeling like you’re on top of the world is your miracle morning will do for you. I’ll be honest here and say, I followed his advice for a week. In that week I felt great. I left the house and was more productive. I felt more relaxed and focused throughout the day. In fact, It was during my miracle morning that I came up with my plan to start this blog and I have really been enjoying it. Feeling so good, as a lot of us do, I stopped taking my iron and my energy plummeted and I stopped. I get lethargic due to very low Iron saturation. I will start my miracle morning again because I miss how good I felt, only this time I will continue to take my Iron. lol! Anyone that is looking for a more focused, productive, and spiritual life this book is for you. Read the full article

[wanderingaunt]

Open and Closed for Business

For someone who writes for a living, I sure do have a lot of resistance to it sometimes. And it’s not that I’m not writing. I always have some new script or entry going in my head. It’s that I fail to take those words and put them on paper or text.

Perhaps the resistance has to do with my own level of acceptance in what I want to communicate.

I’ve spent the past 2.5 months processing and shedding a lot of what no longer serves me. While this has been an ongoing process for years, the most recent months have especially produced a lot of reflection, tears, anger, grief, and ultimately joy.

In the beginning of August, I wrote one of the most vulnerable and heartfelt blogs I’ve ever written. It was an Open Letter about Faith, Religion, and Freedom. I finally came to terms with how I had been molding myself to fit others’ perception of me. I came clean about religion and faith and what the journey has been like for me. I was extremely nervous about hitting the publish button. I was nervous about what others would think and how they would react. Yet, even with my fear around that, I knew it was something I needed to write for me.

After I hit publish, I felt like hiding. My head was swarming with fears of rejection, ridicule, and judgment. To my surprise, I met the opposite of that. I was met with such admiration for taking a bold step in writing about this, acceptance from so many people, and validation that what I had to say was important. I was blown away by the responses I received. Message after message flooded my inbox with others stating how they felt the same way or had a similar experience.

I was so humbled by the outpouring of love and acknowledgment I received.

A few days after I published that blog, I set off on a 7-week journey to Spain, Portugal, and Morocco. The day I was leaving for Spain, I felt so apathetic and numb. I was so indifferent to leaving. Yes, of course, I was excited about visiting new countries and being out in the world again. But something inside of me felt numb. As the plane took off, tears began to fall down my face. I cried for nearly 2 hours. I was lucky to have a row to myself so I could be in peace.

I suddenly felt like a little girl again. Jumping up and down saying, “See me! Hear me! Love me!” I felt in so many ways that this post was an outcry of wanting to be seen and known. And the ones I wanted to see it, did nothing. There was no communication, no push back, nothing. And while on one hand, it was nice to not have conflict, another part of me was wanting that. I spent the entire flight processing through this and why it meant so much to me. Why did I care so much? I finally came to terms with it. I had written a clear and concise post and there was no need to say anything. The post spoke for itself.

When I arrived in Barcelona, I checked into a yoga retreat. I wanted to gift myself some time to decompress after a busy summer of nonstop travel and engagements, and give myself time to continue to reflect and process.

I instantly knew I had made the right choice.

I was surrounded by 10 other beautiful souls from all over the world in a safe and loving environment. The manager of the retreat was a lovely woman from Germany. She had the most beautiful energy. She offered bodywork specifically in the area of chakra clearing. I scheduled a massage with Ulla and was ready to relax and allow whatever was to come. After the massage, Ulla told me that my heart and sacral chakras were closed. “Tell me something I don’t already know,” I thought.

If you’re not familiar with your chakras, you have 7 areas of energy within your body. You can read more about each chakra in-depth here.

Your sacral chakra is your second chakra and has to do with creativity, the birthplace of new ideas, and sexual energy. When the chakra is closed, you are blocking your center for creativity and blocking your area to receive and enjoy pleasure. The color orange is often associated with your sacral chakra. Your heart chakra is the fourth chakra. It is associated with the color green and is your center for being open to giving and receiving love, kindness, and compassion. When your heart chakra is blocked, you are guarding yourself or putting up walls from allowing love to come in. And this can result in blocking love that you give to yourself.

Ulla told me that I don’t allow myself to feel. I suppress emotions and often pretend like everything is okay. I take an overly optimistic approach to life at times. While this may seem like a good thing, it’s actually creating tension within. When you block yourself from allowing emotions to surface, you are cutting off this energy and pushing it way down.

Eventually, that energy will have no choice but to reveal itself in often unpleasant or unexpected ways.

She encouraged me to be gentle with myself. Not try to force anything, but to allow emotions to come when they come. She told me not to be surprised if I suddenly feel sad or angry. Over the next month, this is exactly what happened. I would randomly burst into tears or find myself consumed with anger. Sometimes I would even wake from sleep with such anger. When I was traveling in Portugal with my friends, they revealed to me that at times I would yell out in my sleep. It was as if my subconscious was telling me that I had no choice but to release it.

I’ve hated anger and conflict my whole life. I remember hiding when my parents would argue or yell at each other. And I find myself triggered when I am surrounded by it. I learned from a young age to hide from it. And made a rule at some point that it wasn’t okay to feel anger. Or to express myself with tears. I basically blocked off any unpleasant feelings. And I blocked others from giving me love.

When anger arises or sadness ensues, allow it to come. Allow yourself to feel whatever is there.

Direct your anger away from others and in a safe environment. If you feel like screaming or yelling, get in your car and scream. Smash pumpkins or coconuts. Allow yourself to move through the emotions rather than avoid them. The same is with tears. There is nothing wrong with crying. It is one of the best releases and ways to let go of stored-up energy. When you have released whatever emotions come, take deep breaths and let it go. Don’t hang onto it any longer.

Take some time to journal and reflect on what came up for you and lovingly let it go.

I was beginning to feel lighter after allowing myself to feel and release all of these emotions. I was cutting cords from my past and setting myself free in many ways. I was beginning to feel and receive love and allow my creative ideas to flow. And I was noticing that even when hugging people, I was letting my guard down and learning to relax my body. My friends have often commented that I’m so tense when they hug me. This is part of me guarding myself. The more I appreciate and love who I am, the more I am able to let others in.

When I arrived in Portugal, I connected with two of my best travel buddies. We had plans to travel together for 2 weeks. I was feeling in a better space. I had given myself a lot of time to heal, and I had had a really productive work week the week before. I felt like I had a new wave of confidence. I was learning to speak up when conflict ensued and not hold back. I was walking in my power and allowing emotions to come and go. The more I spoke up and shared whatever I was going through, the more open I felt.

Sometimes you think you’ve moved through something only to hit another roadblock.

About a week into our travels, I realized that I hadn’t really had a regular bowel movement in several days. It’s normal when you’re traveling to a new place and eating different foods to experience this for a couple days. After it had gone on for a week, though, I thought it a bit strange. And at the same time, I wasn’t too concerned. I figured my body was getting used to eating a lot of olive oil and bread.

My friends and I ended our time together in Morocco after traveling for 2 weeks together. They went back to the states and I decided to stay. I wanted to explore this country and see what it had in store for me. I ended up having the best time in Morocco. I modeled in my 6th international photoshoot while there and made many beautiful connections. I felt like my heart and sacral chakras were opening and allowing me to step into creative flow again.

I returned to the states at the end of September. I had been dealing with an upset stomach off and on towards the end of my trip. And when I returned to the states, the discomfort continued. I had an opportunity to attend Hay House Live in Houston for a workshop with Dr. Joe Dispenza. If you’re not familiar with Dr. Joe, he is an international lecturer, author, and researcher. He studies neuroscience and how meditation effects the brain. And ultimately teaches how to rewire or reprogram your brain to break habits. The workshop was amazing. I learned so much about habits and how often we carry our past into the present and create our futures from the past.

At the end of the day, he lead us through a powerful guided meditation. During the meditation, I could feel intense pressure in my lower abdomen. I even felt pulsing sensations. I remember thinking that something seemed off. The following day I took a bus from Houston back to Dallas. While on the bus, I was continuing to feel pressure. And I even began to feel a bulge in my lower pelvic region. Something was not right.

Listen to your body. It will tell you when something is off.

The following day I made an appointment to have a physical. I rarely go to the doctor and trusted my instincts that something wasn’t right. The doctor said she definitely felt something there. She scheduled for me to have a trans vaginal ultrasound. She suspected that I had an ovarian cyst and wanted to know for sure. I followed her advice and schedule the appointment. Something in me told me that it was not a cyst and had nothing to do with my reproductive system. And my intuition was right. The results came back clear.

While I was happy to hear there wasn’t anything serious happening, it still left me unsettled without answers. A couple days later, I was sitting on the couch and my stomach was so swollen. I was feeling intense pressure again. I began to worry. I called one of my friends who is a doctor and was asked to come over. She checked me out and said I was definitely blocked. She wasn’t concerned that it was anything serious and gave me some protocols to work towards clearing it.

After I left her place, I was thinking back to my time in Spain and the chakra clearing work. And then I instantly knew, this blockage had to do with me not fully releasing everything I had worked through. It was clear that my Solar Plexus chakra was blocked. I had spent much time opening my heart and sacral chakras and had somehow blocked this area. You Solar Plexus is associated with the color yellow and serves as the center for your self-confidence, identity, and personal power. This is where your ego lives.

You can only fake things for so long. Eventually your body will shut down or react and alert you to what needs to be healed.

Being self-employed and an entrepreneur is one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done. When I was working for a company, I had a boss and a team backing me. They believed in me enough to hire me and keep me around. I remember when I left my career after 11 years feeling as if I had no skills. Obviously this isn’t true, but it’s what my ego (the noise in my head) was wanting to tell me. I’ve been afraid to put myself fully out there. I’ve had to deal with conversations around money and worth and how I charge for my services. I’ve had to learn to not take things personally and know that when someone gives me a “No”, it’s not me. Not everyone is going to be a right fit.

When you’re entire platform is built around teaching confidence, it seems contradictory that the person teaching it would be lacking confidence in their own way.

And yet that is where I’ve been. I can travel to countries by myself. Live without a plan and without knowing where my next paycheck is coming from. I can model in photoshoots and allow my self to be on display and seen. Yet when it comes to my own self-worth and offering my services to the world, I hide. It’s as if I’m standing on the edge of a cliff and telling everyone I’m going to jump and never going through with it. And then I remind myself of all that I’ve done and who I am in this world. I remember that I actually did jump off the cliff (in Morocco nonetheless).

The only person standing in my way from fully stepping out there is Me.

I’ve spent the past couple weeks doing chakra clearing meditations and writing a daily summary of gratitude. I can feel my stomach and my digestive system beginning to work again. I feel my confidence beginning to increase. People are reaching out to me for collaborations and opportunities. I have my first speaking gig on stage at a conference in New Zealand this weekend! I am putting myself out to the world and sharing my mission of doing photoshoots in countries all over the world as a way to support local photographers, designers, and stylists. Things are finally happening! And it’s all because I allowed myself to be uncomfortable and find healing and let go of the story that I’m not worth it.

MEDITATE and tune into your heart center.

OWN who you are.

ACKNOWLEDGE how far you’ve come.

Find GRATITUDE in all things great and small.

Keep inching towards the edge of the cliff and, before you can talk yourself out of it, JUMP.

REMIND yourself of all that you are and all that you have to offer.

REPEAT over and over again until you believe it.

The more you do this, the more your self-worth, confidence, and courage with grow. You’ll find more freedom in all areas of your life and find flow in the areas that were once blocked. Others will see you and be grateful that you finally stepped up and stayed out.

[mrandyzavala]

Dream a Little Dream, Revisited

I wrote about this last year, but I need to revisit it.   Anxiety dreams.  Zoo work anxiety dreams. I AM STILL HAVING THEM.  I haven't been in the field for almost a year.  Do any other former zoo keeps have this problem??

Right? RIGHT???

I think it's safe to say that zookeepers probably have among the most colorful dreams of any profession.  And the anxiety dreams are even weirder.  Just when you think you're safe at home, decompressing from your job and drifting into a delicious, deep sleep....BOOM.  Your brain suddenly creates an elaborate story involving elements such as: flying animals (who do not fly), bizarre accidents, and gates that just will not lock no matter what you do. You guys, I STILL have dreams about my dolphin trainer days.  Not just like, tra la la la, here I am swimming with dolphins like I used to, but full-blown "OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO GET FIRED AND I WILL THINK THAT WAY UNTIL I WAKE UP" or "WHERE AM I  EXACTLY" kind of dreams. I'm sure many of you have your own list of cycling zoo nightmares, but here are some of my usuals that still happen to this day: 1.  Being late and/or forgetting what day I am supposed to work

This is why I'm a cat person

AHHHH this one happens to me still, maybe once a week.  ONCE A FRIGGIN WEEK, people. I have had one (1) anxiety dream about being late to my internship, but guess what?  The reason I was late to my internship in this dream was because I THOUGHT I was supposed to be at Marineland (Florida), so I stopped at Publix, but I couldn't find the food I wanted in there, because for some reason they only sold bolts of cloth (??), so I left, got in my car and realized that I was late to my job at Marineland.  Except, my phone was blowing up from my lab internship mentor, wondering where I was. But other than that one dream about the lab, all the other late-dreams are about Marineland, Florida.  I have no clue why it is just that facility.

Maybe cuz their dolphins are awesome?

Usually, I oversleep, wake up in a panic, and struggle to get in my car.  I can never, ever, ever use my cell phone properly in these dreams.  I try to call.  I try to text.  But I keep pounding in the wrong number, no matter how hard I try.  Or I can't turn my phone on.  OR, like two nights ago, I had a dream that I showed up to work as a new hire, but in a relatively realistic context.  I'm not "new" in terms of experienced, but Marineland lets me come back for a period of time to help out.   And I forget what day or shift I am, so I show up (or don't) at the wrong time.   I am always somehow scheduled to stay really late, like well into the evening hours, and that's usually when the dream takes a bizarre turn and suddenly I am flying around, or realize I can breathe underwater.  2.  Suddenly finding myself in a habitat I am not supposed to be in

Oh well, guess I'll just have to swim with dolphins

There I am, hanging out at Marineland, or Gulfarium, or National Aquarium, or Miami Seaquarium (this has never occurred at Clearwater, for some reason) and BOOM.  I am in the water with dolphins or sea lions.  But I am not supposed to.  It's after hours, or I just fell in.  The dolphins never pull me in or anything, it's just that somehow, I end up there. This type of dream usually goes one of two ways.  The slightly-less nerve-wracking one is where I am suddenly in the water for whatever reason, and I just swim with the dolphins (also where I realize I can breathe underwater, which is AMAZING) and think about how great it is that I can hide from the rest of the staff.  They always try to get me out, but they never can.  I know I will be fired, but I don't care. Or, I get in, and it's with the animals who are basically like, "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE" and it gets really scary (you guys know what I mean).  When I get out, I have to go explain to people what happened, which is when I get fired. 3.  Having to do a swim program without knowing anything about WTF is going on

But the hat looks good, so.....

This usually happens in the same dream as what I've already written above.  A few nights ago, I had a dream where I went back to work at Marineland.   I walk in on my first day, and suddenly I have five minutes to suit up and do an immersion program with the dolphins.  I'm freaking out.  I don't remember the SDs, I don't know half of the animals, and I am just terrified.  Aaaaaand usually I just wind up passing my guests off to another trainer, and start swimming with the dolphins.  Or I'll just fly away.   You know, the normal dream things. 4.  Being in a facility that is a bizarre combination of all of the other places I have worked

You're welcome

National Aquarium has appeared to me in the following ways: a. As a rectangular pool surrounded by stadium seating in the middle of Ohio b. As the Shedd Aquarium except, it was still in Baltimore c. With a hidden penguin exhibit d. As a mashup of Clearwater Marine Aquarium and NAIB Brookfield Zoo always has underwater passage ways and hidden exhibits.  I've never worked there, but I still have dreams I work there all the time.  My favorite version of this dream is the dolphin elevator that takes the animals to whatever hidden exhibits they want to go, so we can hardly find them. Clearwater Marine Aquarium has a lot of bizarrely-shaped dolphin pools and  a giant basement filled with turtle habitats and vending machines.

THIS IS A REAL VENDING MACHINE

Marineland stays the same

Okay, where is this? I NEED IT

All of my Gulfarium dreams involve a totally unrecognizable space and I am usually fighting with someone (human). Or I'm calling them to tell them I have quit because I forgot I had to work at Marineland.  Last night, I saw the Gulfarium team outside of Marineland letting their penguins surf in the waves of the Atlantic.

A book vending machine.  A BOOK vending machine. 

5.  Animals that turn into people, or other animals

I never know

This usually happens with one of the loves of my life, Tocoi.  One minute, she's a dolphin.  The next, she's a bird perched on my shoulder.  The next, she's some random person that doesn't talk.   But the entire time, I feel this is just how Tocoi is. 6.  Animals who have passed away suddenly coming back to life

I'm gonna need to visit this vending machine after writing this section

Ugh.  This one really makes me sad.  It happens to me a lot with my cat, Andi.  But it's happened with some of the other animals I've worked with. Every time I see them, I am shocked, because I know they have died.  But magically, they are alive again.  Or, I think I've traveled back in time and I dread going watching them die again.  I hate, hate, hate this dream. 7.  My work uniform is extremely small

It makes me want to hug you forever

Last but not least, this one.  THIS ONE.  This one happens in basically ALL of the aforementioned dream types.  I show up (usually to Marineland again, for cryin' out loud) and all of my uniforms are missing so I have to go through the communal uniform pile and everything is tiny tiny tiny.  Or, my uniforms are just extremely small. Like, belly-shirt.  I spend half of the dream trying to put my rashguard on (which, as we know, is pretty true to real life).   Just forget about the shorts.  I have to Porky Pig it, which is really embarrassing but I was late to my shift, so I just have to deal.

All you need is a bowtie and a jacket.  Pants are not necessary

I guess anxiety dreams just really dig themselves into the deepest parts of your subconscious mind, especially when they deal with a part of your life that you dedicated so much of your time and emotional energy.  I just figured I'd get over the lame "I'm going to be fired" parts of the dream and just have a jolly time doing the fun stuff.  You guys gave me some great work anxiety dreams after last year's post on this topic, and I'd love to hear more.  I especially want to hear from you former-keeps; what dreams keep haunting you? from The Middle Flipper http://ift.tt/2foiyvB

[asenseofagency]

Adjustment 01

The strange thing about a break-up while you’re still (financially) obligated to live together afterward is the re-establishment of boundaries from scratch. In a moment, you can shake hands and agree to revert from spouses to roommates - that’s been cake - but then you find yourself in the days that follow totally unsure of how much space you ought to occupy, how much noise you can make, how much of the other person’s attention you’re entitled to, how emotionally, conversationally intimate you’re allowed to be with them.

Woo boy. It’s wild.

I’m gratified that between now and the first part of May, my schedule is unlikely to let up. I’m solidly busy with work, school, and the rare hobby basically from morning until night. That’s a blessing that has kept me occupied and either sequestered in my usual quiet study corner or out of the house altogether. It’s given me a reason to withdraw without it being weird. For the few hours a day our schedules have us home together, my (ex)husband has withdrawn too. He’s spent more time with his music, off in a room at the other end of the house. He’s away from home more too. Suddenly I think we’ve both realized that, given the change in the status of our relationship, we need to establish the kinds of boundaries that are appropriate for friends/roommates/acquaintances. Being accommodating people, we’ve both shrunk away, afraid to overstep those ambiguous boundaries and it’s definitely... odd and a little uncomfortable, just given the unfamiliarity of it. You’re getting very little feedback from the other person while they’re simultaneously trying to adapt.

Another discomfort is the imperative, at some point, of telling people that we’ve split up. My brother, with whom we’re both reasonably close, suggested we all get together over the weekend. I and Ex agreed but it feels touchy, a.) because of this ambiguous distance-making that’s still taking place, b.) because at some point my brother will probably be the first to know we’re planning to divorce. How and when you start that conversation with your friends and family is another unanswerable. I think the expectation from other people is going to be that something will have gone wrong and it will be hard to explain what our motive really is. I look at is as being sort of pure. It’s reason enough to break up because you just don’t want to be in a relationship anymore. That’s all it takes. The relationship itself doesn’t have to be bad. It can just be inadequate, unfulfilling. You can outgrow relationships like you can anything else. I wish it hadn’t taken me my entire youth to realize that. But I don’t think it will be easy for people to agree. I’m wondering that they won’t think we’re throwing something away on a whim. There will be some disappointment and shock and confusion to navigate, repeatedly, as we share this and I’m just not looking forward to that at all.

I’ve got almost a week-long trip from one end of the country to the other coming up in less than a week and I’m looking forward to a little diversion. After we get through the rest of the month’s adjusted routine, I suspect a new normal will start to establish itself. In the meantime, it’s weird. Not intimidating - nothing sufficient to cause regret - but weird. There is a stalking loneliness. Maybe those feelings are my karmic reminder: we should find the opportunity to talk all this over this weekend for sure and make sure we don’t let this polite, awkward distance become so great that we can’t speak as freely as we always have.

I’ve felt the first pangs of sadness too, miniature heartbreak, although it’s been small. My ex arriving home from work (usually as I’m on my way to bed) has, for years, been an event that punctuates my day. This week I have had the same subtle thrill as he arrives home at night followed by a creeping, bitter sadness: he’s not my person anymore; this event that has been a regular source of daily comfort for years will be gone for good soon. The How was your day? conversation, that small reliable connection and emotional release, will be gone too. It’s a lot to give up a best-friendship of eight years.

And though it’s not unusual, he’ll be out of the house again tonight. When he told me that in passing - that he’ll be going to a friend’s for what I suspect will be his opportunity to majorly decompress and talk all this through himself - my subconscious brain, feeling jilted by how little contact we’d had this week relative to our normal amount, automatically objected. Force of habit: I felt knee-jerk disappointed... lonely... abandoned. My thinking self had to remind me that that closeness, that entitlement is not in the nature of our relationship anymore.

It’s an adjustment.