#pear.vent

[pearatwar]

studying! life feels somewhat more bearable but cosmic catastrophe looms above me -- i fear for i know the malaise of self-destruction could strike at any moment

i really, really don't know when i'll feel bad again. i really, really don't want it to happen. i feel like i've got a good enough grasp on my life, but i don't want to relapse. time will tick faster than i can take in the bliss. i will feel worse before i feel better. maybe this is what ineptitude feels like, god forsake you zeno

[pearatwar]

i tend to be happy enough during the day to trudge through it, because my mind is always bombarded by external stimuli like my friends, school or videogames, therefore i don't worry

but as soon as the bell rings, as soon as the bell stops, as soon as i'm alone, as soon as i start even *thinking* about anything negative thoughts erupt left and right, with the full-blown force of everything that's welled up and i didn't vent, ever, and life becomes a thorn in the side

[pearatwar]

given i would rip my heart out because of my longstanding solitude, the next most obvious course of action would be downloading a dating app

problem: i abhor them and i feel like i would not be happy with whatever emotional codependency would be born out of it

problem II: i will be stuck loathing and pining and longing and sulking and sighing

[pearatwar]

girl, right? she's like the manifestation of everything i look for in a girl. i tried, i failed, i ended up becoming a good, regular friend, been to her birthdays, became good friends with her boyfriend

but one day she stopped waving hi at me in the hallways. something in me broke, shattered. even if i don't want to pursue her romantically there's something inside, a construct of sorts, that makes her one of the most important people in my life, and losing her is breaking me apart

[pearatwar]

my back is killing me, my right arm is stiff, i'm scared to know what moving my left arm feels like, i slept too much so ive been awake since 3am and i've been bawling my eyes out over a girl i swear i was finally over

[pearatwar]

i portray myself, and come off as, a superhuman, iron man unyielding, sputnik, juggernaut

how long will i be able to keep it up?

how long until my plating cracks, my screws loosen, my body rusts and with it my soul? my chassis shakes and my engine sputters; an uncanny resemblance of death

to them, i am the metal-plated stoic i'd grown into, but i've known the boy within peering out the slits and openings, rattling at its cage like the bullets it receives

how long until the boy gets out? will the lead stop then?

[pearatwar]

"it's just that. you know. you haven't texted me in a while" consider that there may be one of the following possibilities if not multiple:

your last text made me expect a follow-up

you did NOT reach out at all you can't convince me you really wanted me to talk to you

your last text was a witty joke that left me assburnt

i sent the last text

[pearatwar]

my work schedule has led me to not taking my anxiolytics for several days in a row, which would explain the numerous depressive, delusional and manic episodes i have when i'm on my own

[pearatwar]

leaving slowly you left a gaping hole dying a slow death i cried quietly:

i don't know what sins i've to confess taint me red o styx

[pearatwar]

i'm feeling remorseful and wrong. that is to say, i'm alive and well, or as well as i can claim to be. i've been feeling so down that i can't even get myself to post, which is the number one thing i should do when i'm feeling down.

[pearatwar]

ok, i know, i KNOW ot's my nerves getting to me but what if she doesn't give half a fuck about me anymore. whose fault is it is it mine? did i say something? she's lost interest already she isn't putting in any effort i'm going to cry and relapse and i won't be able to get anywhere near her this is hell on earth hell is a teenage girl

[pearatwar]

sometimes i fall asleep in class. i can't help it, it's an oddball mixture of antidepressants and poor sleep quality, but my friend is ever so quick to make his witty remarks on it

but it's not in my control, at least for the most part, yet he keeps prodding and poking and making fun of it, and it makes me feel wrong for it, like i'm a fraud, and it doesn't help that i'm already suffering from a lynching self doubt caused by my grades

i'd like to tell him to stop, i want to tell him to stop, i want to make him stop, but he's difficult to get through so i just have to listen as he keeps on bashing my head in everytime i say that 'i don't remember doing a certain something in class'

[pearatwar]

new tags! now topic tags are "pear.[insert topic]" like pear.posting, pear.venting, etcetera