#sets in and i panic and have to get OUT
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ummm no im not a 'job hopper' haha...im like barbie. multiskilled. multicareered, even. put some positive framing on my impulsive and flighty nature please 😤
#one of my cousins was asking 'what job i had now' so i was thinking abt this. like she phrased it like every time we talk i have a new job#which...fair actually kind of true since i dont go to the Functions a lot#but on the other hand i can be like yeah ive been a reporter. an artist. a writer. a babysitter. a wire splicer. a stocker and cashier. etc#all things ive been paid for! technically jobs/gigs!#who cares if some of those were only a month it was interesting experience and made me more interesting and rounded as a person#i would love to actually have a job job hopping. does that make sense#liiiike just let me do a bunch of new fun stuff every day n never work with the same ppl. that would b so fun#like i love the learning stage of a new job. usually. but when i get too comfortable or think 'oh god what if this is forever' the dread.#sets in and i panic and have to get OUT#this is smthi want to talk to my future therapist abt#OHHH i could look into therapy again since i have a job again!!! maybe one that doesnt suck ass this time!! hooray!!#sanchoyorambles
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FINALLY got around to redoing my old underswap napstablook / napstabot / dapperbot design :> i like them a whole lot. napstablook has never seemed very interested in being corporeal so i wanted to push the ghost element really hard, which was a lot of fun actually !
i think their arc would probably center around not trying to be someone they aren't, or maybe learning to make music just for their own enjoyment instead of for an audience and stepping down from the spotlight. they'd probably go back to being a ghost eventually, but they'd shift to using their remaining platform to help boost mettaton up instead!
!!*please remember napstablook uses they/them pronouns!!
#trousled arts#undertale#underswap#napstablook#napstaton#napstabot#dapperbot#AAAUUGGGHHH ITS SO GOOD TO ACTUALLY FINISH SOMETHING AGAIN#i definitely underestimated how much i would enjoy drawing all the robot greebles. maybe unnecessary lines and details CAN be worth it.....#and i have an old idea for a swapfell version too btw :3 don't know when i'll get to that one but maybe they'll be next on my redesign list#i still need to think about their lore & why they'd be a robot in the fell setting + their relationship with undyne#but i definitely at least know what they look like. and that's fresh out of an early panic at the disco music video babyyyyyy#BUT THATS BESIDES THE POINT look at THIS robot arent they AWESOME !!!!#trousled designs#(<- new tag for my au design refs like this bc it might be cool to have them all together)
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made more sculptures, +25 HP
#robin speaks#1 wolf 1 angel 1 sheep 1 bunny 2 wizards 2 owls#looking forward to painting them. that'll be fun#I'll do it the mornings before work#I'm getting a new routine going :] it's working for me! I'm doing okay! and I'm trying my best at work#I keep having like. anxiety about not knowing exactly what to do. but I'm doing my best and I'm doing Okay so far#and at least I'm not sleeping or watching baseball at work or stealing things like my other coworkers haha#that's a low bar and I'm not setting that as My standard of behavior but it does comfort me a little. I'm not doing too bad#my greatest vice at work is just that I tend to panic in the moment and try to do things the wrong way but I'm getting better at that#also I drink the hot chocolate set out for the guests. but I'm allowed to do that. but I do feel so guilty about it for no reason LOL#I keep like hiding the hotchocolate under the counter for no reason#Oh No What If A Guest Realizes I'm Alive And Like Hot Chocolate#like bro. (talking to myself like a nervous wolf) bro you're good buddy you can take it#ANYWAYYYYYYYY#all that to say that new job is going pretty well#I have fun money to spend also! I just bought myself a CD of ''Black Sands'' by Bonobo and I'm excited for that#AND!!!! my seagull shirt from Crowlines arrived and I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT it's such a good. TEXTURE! and it looks SO GOOD on me#and like I said I'm getting new routines figured out. I'm even more of a night owl now bc my shift is 3pm to 11pm#I get up late eat an unhurried breakfast and then either shower or do ceramics (yay) and then eat unhurried lunch and go to work#no rush in the morning at all. I am THRIVING#unlike in college I don't get grades and feedback to tell me EXACTLY what I need to change. which is. DifferentTM#but on the other hand..... don't have to get up early >:D#AND I still get to do ceramics. even MORE ceramics on my days off too. love and peace on planet earth
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I currently have two sorta-kinda fleshed out sonic aus, and honestly I hope to make art and comics out of both of them
#one is a self contained shadow centric one that I’ve been dabbling for years that is rlly similar to shadow generations#in which shadow gets sent to an alternate dimension and has to find that worlds chaos emeralds while meeting a slightly older maria#who never met him but is still dying#she just wants an adventure— to be treated like a person and not just the dying girl#and shadow.. struggles with that but decides he wants to spend time with his sister#so he semi-relunctanly lets her come along with him— but he has to make sure not to be seen since this is a seemingly a universe without#mobians and eggman and all that jazz#it’s prolly gonna be a period piece but I also want maria to know what an iPhone is so im in the middle#the other is a big action adventure taking years adter frontiers#there’s a few ocs playing main parts (mostly antagonists) and it’s a cosmic horror#a young journalist is out to get the biggest scoop of her life- what makes sonic so special? what is the secret of his speed#unfortunately. a bored god has the same question and takes the blue rat to a separate plane of existence to question him#while also testing the rest of the world to see if it’s worthy of being protected by him#this goddess isn’t evil but she’s like. a dick#as mass panic sets in its up to the rest of sonics friends to like. get him back protect the world from several threats and uh#idk there’s prolly a party#meanwhile yhat journalist is trying to get the newest biggest scoop: where the fuck is sonic the hedgehog?#:D#they’re rlly murky rn because I’m not smart#but I finally have something to do with my old ass ocs
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Hm. Today is not a good day for my brain to exist.
#text post#really not what i wanted on a day i work a double but hey#i have a little bit over three hours to let my brain throw this fit#that said the panic nausea intense fear and overall 'aaaahhhhh' need to stop after that so#memo to all of them: get the fuck out by 205 pm at the latest lol#i can't even figure out what set this off bc it started as soon as i woke up#kept me from being able to fall back asleep for any longer than 5 or 10 mins at a time#the lack of sleep is the icing on the cake i do not want and did not ask for lmao#It'll be fine. will work my shifts. have any breakdown moments during the time before; my half hour break; and then after#bc after is shower and t shot time so I'll be too busy to fall apart entirely u see#...im not typing more tags to avoid sitting with my thoughts YOU ARE#...or maybe i am. therapy should clear the brain up without having you actually like. sit with and work thru the feelings and memories#what if it worked like that. would be cool as fuck
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New pretty cure episode... You better keep that shit platonic, Toei
#precure spoilers#precure#'i hope they make an idol-themed precure!' *finger on the monkey's paw curls*#I've been really liking the show so far (Uta's a fantastic protagonist and I love her)#but ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#I wanted to like this episode so bad bc I used to work a similar job & could relate to the cafe panic#and it had some really funny moments#i love how half-assed the excuse to get the rest of the family out of the restaurant was#and even though they tried to play it for drama I thought Uta being upset about not helping enough was a) relatable and b) really funny#and i REALLY wanted to enjoy the comradery between the cures & generic idol man#and I probably would have! If I did not also have a lingering sense of dread that he's gonna be Coco 2.0#(context: new pretty cure introduced an older guy (I think he's supposed to be 18-24) who the younger girls (both like 13 or so) idolize#and it's implied our mc is going to have a crush on him#(which like fine. kids get precocious crushes.)#but Toei has done this kind of romance before and had it be reciprocated#VERY RECENTLY. they did a spinoff series set in the future in which they not only revisited their '13 y/o x her magical squirrel teacher'#pairing. but also they got married. it was bad.#so i am filled with dread)#honestly from the second i saw him & glasses guy in the intro i was dreading his appearance bc of this
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ive made myself more wet and pathetic
#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL#its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed#because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH#how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would#be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing#or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late#i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed#the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either#because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember#the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either#the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with#crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure#BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION#im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real#really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and#thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT#you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without#making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY#yapping#doodles#puppysona#edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule#and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened
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currently experiencing the inevitable crashout after talking about my problems for more than five minutes with new-ish friends
#katie speaks#this has happened twice now#bc we all hang out on discord after dnd pretty regularly#and i am finally comfortable enough with them to actually tell them shit#and i just kind of#don’t stop once i get going#and it feels vreat and good and fine to talk to them#but then we hang up#and the panic sets in#of like#oh god why did i say all that#why did i yap about my problems for so long#i should not have said any of that#anyway thank god i have therapy in like four hours
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#so one half of the couple i'm house/dogsitting for had an unexpected medical emergency on their trip#which -- i won't go into details but it culminated in a pretty serious diagnosis and emergency major surgery#and now they're coming home today after getting medevac transport back to california#and have asked me to stay here for a few more days while they settle in#as the one who had the emergency needs 24/7 care during recovery but is being released from hospital to recover at home#and they need someone to basically keep looking after the dog/keep her from getting in the way while they figure out what care he needs#anyway i agreed to stay a few days like they asked#which means i'm trying to finish my coursework before they get back later this afternoon but man my focus levels are LOW#and honestly they have been for several days at this point because once again it seems that waiting to hear about medical stuff has become#somewhat of a panic response trigger for me since the extended nightmare of february this year with my dad#and mostly i've been able to compartmentalize but the energy that takes has truly wiped me out#to the point that i'm genuinely shocked it hasn't set off a fibro flare up (touch wood)#also i really don't know this couple very well at all -- they're mostly friends of my parents-in-law#i've looked after their dog for them several times over the past couple of years#but obviously that's been while they aren't home#and i've only had fairly brief interactions with them#so i do feel a bit awkward about being here while they're going through something so serious and personal#but they're nice people and they need the help and i'm able to provide it so i'm gonna push past that#anyway just a tag post venting thing
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i must not get distracted and subsequently overwhelmed by Upcoming Tasks. I must finish the task at hand before deciding what to do next
#.txt#chat i'm dangerously closed to finishing the toyhouse theme and the despair/panic is setting in#i have pushed thru it so far and by god i will continue to#''oh what will we do next oh no'' we'll figure it out !!!!! don't Preemptively panic!!! at least wait until we get there T-T
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in other news i have finally managed to schedule a visit to get a glasses prescription because i have had these glasses for like four years & the prescription is sufficiently out of date that it's giving me headaches. huzzah
#irredeemable whining#after that i have to figure out: the dentist. of which i am terrified because there is definitely some stuff going on#& while i am cool about it i am so so cool i really did not like the time i had to get a crown & after the nerve block gave me an adrenal#response that felt like a panic attack the dentist paused in the middle of drilling to look at me & say 'you smell that? it's rot'#you know in the spirit of making sure i brush my teeth better in future. & coincidentally setting off a longstanding anxious misery of mine#that my body is literally rotting around me. so i am pretty normal about it i would say but i really don't want to go to the dentist#if they are going to point out to me that my bones are rotting & it's my fault. even though they are & it is
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Imagine you have to set up yakumo's enclosure for the next couple months. How do you set it up and what do you put in there?
oh NO.! THE PROPPHECY HAS BEenm FUFILLED
i am standing in my room, leggies rooted to the floor. i am in shock .frozen and i have no idea how to proceed. there is a perpetual pathetically sobbing serpent under my blankie.
#stares at the camera and stage whispers#i can't be responsible for another living creature. i can't. or . er. i can. but I SHOULDN'T#i'll have to suppress every violent urge in my body to keep this thing alive for several months#i CANNOT fling him out the window. i WILL NOT grab his entire face and squeeze. I SHALL NOT chew on his tail.#now i'm reminded of that post where it's a pretty princess cage on the floor and comments go [that aint big enough for a dog]#and OP is all [it's not FOR a dog 😀]#yeah. that's me right now imagining a full grown yakumo in a cage by my bedside#SO FOR EASE OF MY IMAGINATION AND TO increase yaku's chance of surviving these next months#i'm going to try real hard to imagine him exclusively in pocket snake form (scrunches up my face in valiant effort)#his enclosure (crib?!?!) is flanked on all sides by eiden plushies#since yaku is an adult there is a smaller chance of him suffocating on eiden in his sleep. wait. actually#arranges the eiden walls to give some pockets of air. i don't trust him. he WILL suffocate on eiden given the opportunity#he gets one of those tiny dollhouse cooking sets for enrichment LOL#or i'll give him a bunch of those make-your-own gummy kits with elaborate setups and tiny egg gummies#crying yaku is the excuse i need to finally get a humidifier#i can survive not misting myself.. usually... but yaku will cry himself into dehydration. it's misting time#he gets an entire alcove closed off in the corner with his basic needs met. i cannot perceive#he can lurk in privacy as much as he wants. there are at least TWO hot rocks in there with garukaru's faces painted on em#there is a duplicate open-space alcove next to it for when he actually wants something from me LOL#is he a free range snake? can i take him to a bunch of restaurants and shove food into my sleeve for him? he wants to sample the delights..#tempted to put a bell on him just so if he gets loose in the basement i'll know to fish him out#but he's pretty cautious... he won't get into any fatal situations in the house right? ...does he know how to swim?!#at least one day is reserved for testing yaku's swimming capabilities.#he is going into the bathtub while it has a film of water. gonna test his traction. i hope i won't get panic-strangled#asks
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#three gigantic explosions went off RIGHT under my window in the past hour alone#every time it's so loud my body reacts with total panic like i've just been shot and i'm dying#my chest physically hurts. like i'm scared i might have a heart attack from this#sitting here in my living room feeling the least safe i've ever felt at home and so terrified i'm sobbing uncontrollably#it's just constant tension and fear and bracing myself for the next one#and it's barely 5 pm. this will probably continue until 3 or 4 in the morning at least. if not literally all night#this is fucking insane. it's never been this bad before. i genuinely don't know if my health can handle this#but i have nowhere to go. i'm so scared. i don't know what to do#can't even call the police because this shit is inexplicably legal???#i tried earplugs but it's so loud it makes zero difference. like imagine telling someone in a war zone to wear earplugs#jesus christ i can smell the gunpowder even from indoors#i'm so scared. this is horrible. i wish i could take some super strong drug to knock me out until tomorrow#but any drug strong enough to keep me unconscious through this shit would be strong enough that i wouldn't feel safe taking it at all#i saw my neighbor throw something out his window that i first thought was a firecracker?#but it fizzled and went out so maybe it was just a cigarette butt#but if i see someone in my building setting firecrackers off... i'm genuinely afraid of what i might do#like i'm scared i might fully lose it and go bang on their door and get in a physical altercation with them#i cannot emphasize how much i am in full fight-or-flight nothing-to-lose mode right now. and i can't flee. so that leaves only fighting#i might never get citizenship if i'm arrested for attacking somebody but even that thought isn't enough to hold me back rn#this is awful awful awful. i don't know what to do. how am i going to make it through this night? how is this shit not illegal?#i wish i could at least stop crying jfc this is horrible
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i hate my uni sm lol i dont want to be heeeeere let me out let me out
#motherfucking dance classes. we have the exam in two weeks and the choreography's not ready.#we gotta meet up in our own free time without the professor and practise on our own and try out if something works or doesnt. on. our. own.#bitch like what are you getting paid for lol#i hate it here so much i didnt come here to dance#and i leave every rehearsal on the verge of a panic attack and with red welts down my arms from scratching myself to calm tf down lol#(ask me again why i became obsessed with the white haired beautiful princess with a disorder in record time lol I GET HIM)#its fucking mental torture to me lol#anyway now im getting passive aggressive comments in the groupchat because they suddenly decided that we need to meet#for another rehearsal. today in two hours. like bitch????? sorry that i have earlier plans??????#i gently suggested that we should try to set the rehearsal plans earlier#and i even put a sad emoji at the end to show that im not trying to be a bitch lol#and now a girl im like actually friends with goes all 'thank you for your input jagoda im waiting for you to suggest something better' like#girl?????????? lol#but like it's whatever. apologised immediately ofc like why bother#anyway BASTA
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[taps mic] wings are to black mages as tails are to genomes, they're just axolotls about it
#final fantasy ix#ffix#ffix black mages#not just because of the waltzes either; there are a lot of things i feel back it up! i'm hoping to write up a post going into it properly#but like. there's a lot of subtext that they are Birbous in both the xenobiology sense and the symbolic one#and that wings are associated with Having Their True Power/Individual Form Unlocked(tm)#again there's the waltzes but also vivi has wing decorations on his trance form--multiple sets of them no less#and if you look at most black mages as having been mass-produced to a template and undercooked it makes sense#they're mostly not too impeded by the lack of wings and i think most of them wouldn't be too bothered if i knew#but among other things it might explain how clumsy they are; more specifically how much they're inclined to trip over things#they're missing a counterbalance/way to catch themselves/fly#a lot of birds that are closest to the body shape we see can get around by walking but it's clumsier and not as efficient#and if it's a mobility thing it might have made their legs shorter too#idk i may revise that a bit because i'm out of it right now and i don't think they're *entirely* birb#but they deadass hatch out of eggs and instinctively adopt and know how to care for them#they don't just take bobby corwen's egg home because his mom was dead; most of them barely know what death is in the first place#and think that the mom 'stopped' and have said they think stopped people will eventually get right back up#but they immediately know the egg needs to be taken care of in a time-sensitive manner#and what it is and how to do so; to my memory they don't express panic or uncertainty about Doing It Wrong#anyway lots of thoughts about them but vivi's last name is literally french for ornithologist so Like. i am just saying#ffixtag#FF tag#black mage tag
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I liked doing this last week, but it will get kinda repetitive in the coming weeks. So I'm not sure if I'll do it often while I'm posting the modern/band AU, but oh well!
It's another Saturday morning in a blanket with new music. Truly all I could ever need to write.
Here's what I've been working on...
Modern/band AU is fit and ready to start posting this upcoming week. Chapter [redacted] is complete, and I'm now far enough ahead that even a few weeks of busy life won't stop a regular posting schedule. And if I keep up writing then I'll be able to post around Xmas without needing a break!
Chapter [redacted+1] has an opening sentence, which is often the hardest part.
The outline for the AU has been modified a little. Combined three chapters into one, split out another chapter into two. Probably lots of consolidation to be done otherwise. There's a weird bit in the outline that's kinda fuzzy, but I'm sure I'll knuckle my way through it since it's not thematically deep. Might even be another chapter consolidation. This fic is definitely going to be longer than the 40k I was hoping it would top out at...
Editing the previous chapters has been a fun exercise in trimming the fat! I still want there to be scenes that are just ~vibes~ but I axed 1k words and the whole thing is cleaner for it.
More Minthara/Lae'zel is in the works, but it's mostly only the skeleton of an idea as I've had to rework it multiple times. I've a little under 1k actually written, and I'm not too convinced of what it is at the moment either. Quite frustrating.
Another seedling of an idea for non-smutty Asheera/Shadowheart fics. But it's really just "Shadowheart meets Asheera's parents" and boy I'm not ready for the mixed emotions Shadowheart's going to feel in that one. You know it's not just going to be fluff.
The Gauntlet/Nightsong segment for my core Shadowheart/Asheera series has a skeleton of an outline now. The POVs have been picked, the core beats are there, and I know it's going to hurt like a motherfucker to write some of this.
#random rambling about writing#anotheropti fanfiction mind soup#OK a lot of these tags are truly mind soup so I don't advise anyone to take them as anything but letting off steam#if I was smarter I would just type the shit in these tags into a word doc and delete it lol#in which I look at the modern/band AU and wonder what I've gotten myself into#the anxiety of feeling like it's a disaster already and mentally preparing myself for that#mixed with the panic of realizing I'll be locking myself into months of it#bc I *cannot* stand having unfinished works#if you've been wondering why I'm writing as much as I can before posting anything this is why!#if I get hit with a week of hating what I've put out in the world then I can recover and still have chapters out#which is...#it's the same feeling I get when I submit writing to literary agents#except agents will tell you bluntly that they don't want it whereas people in fandom just glide by#as is everyone's right don't get me wrong#but I have severe problems with imposter syndrome and it's always worst when I'm posting longer stuff#and translating these characters to a modern setting and struggling with their characterizations gave me -10 to Will saves#so it's like “who is this for? is this for me and only me? does anyone need this? why make myself upset?”#anyways that was a lot of venting so now I write
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