#sick of feeling seen by a character after hating myself for so long just for people to erase that

[wizards4for20]

Fandom will fight to the death to make sure gay and lesbian characters aren’t in hetero ships, which is wonderful and absolutely what should happen, don’t get me wrong, but then an aro character pops up and suddenly it’s “they could be gray/demi/queerplatonic to fit the amatonormative narrative” and suddenly all that defensive, validating energy is gone. Where did it go?

[vero-lynn]

Do you really think Brian blames Tim for everything that's happened?

Tim didn't know the sickness could spread, he didn't even connect the dots about the Operator in the entries being the same monster he'd seen in his childhood until much later.

As for forgetting Brian, the sickness causes amnesia, Brian should know that better than anyone, Tim wasn't aware of Brian's whereabouts after college because of said amnesia, he had probably tried to reach out at some point but it might have been after Alex killed him for the first time. Tim may have thought that Brian just moved on from him since he didn't reach out either, Tim had never formed a relationship with someone prior to Brian, the only one he had before was with his mother who left him in a psych ward as a kid which probably gave him some kind of abandonment complex, after never hearing back from Brian he might have felt that he should have seen it coming, that just like his mother no one else would actually want him around. Tim lived life as normal afterwards because that was all he could really do.

This isn't a jab at any of your analyses about Brian btw, I think you're probably the only person in the fandom who understands his character best and I love reading all your posts about him. I'm just asking this from the viewpoint of my own analysis of MH, and I'd really like to know what you think.

Smiles at you so cutely, thank you for this ask..

TLDR for everything I'm about to say: NO!!!!! NO. Brian doesn't, but I MYSELF DO. I always try to make sure that it's obvious it's my personal beef with Tim, not Brian's, but...

Let me yap about this, get comfortable..

SO BRIAN. That's a man that loves so much and so genuine. He's a lover and a giver.

He doesn't HATE. He never HATES anyone other than ALEX. Alex is the only person he has genuine hatred for and who he wants DEAD - AND YET!! He's unable to kill him himself. He is okay with holding the gun for as long as someone else pulls the trigger.

Now, you mentioned the sickness and that Tim didn't know, well, do you know who DID know? MASKY. Someone had to come to Brian, give him a camera and tell him to cover up his face, pointing him in the right directions - that being stalking and recording Alex because something was wrong with him. Obviously Brian would know that his best friend is changing, so he followed along. We know that he's been stalking Alex BECAUSE he's missing in entry 17 and 20. He's not there. He's... Somewhere! He should be on set but he's simply not! Or he's feeling sick! He himself is getting sicker and sicker the longer he's stalking Alex.

No, Brian doesn't blame Tim/Masky for this.

Brian and Masky had to be working together while marble hornets was being recorded, they knew it was important, but later on, after everyone is gone, Masky/Tim never go out of their way to follow Alex and finish the job, we know this because Tim is living a normal life FAR FAR away from where Alex is, HE HIMSELF doesn't even know he moved.

No, Brian doesn't blame him for forgetting about him, but he is bitter about him not finishing the job and not coming with him to do so. We see that in TTA and the constant calling out and mocking from Hoody. (Messages is a good example, and so is BROADCAST that's posted right after Masky's leg gets broken. Are you drowning?)

In short, Brian doesn't hate Tim. He doesn't blame him for anything. He knows his situation and not once would he be angry at him for his choices. He doesn't WANT to hurt him, but he IS willing to do so to get what he wants and what they all need. (The pills, and Alex dead and gone.)

Tim is incapable of going straight for the kill, that's what Masky was always good at. He needs Masky to come out so they can hunt Alex down and kill him. Tim won't help him. He knows this. Tim is aggressive towards him, Tim doesn't remember him, but again, MASKY does. He doesn't hurt Tim just to see him suffer, he doesn't want that! At all! But there's simply no other way. And he's willing to take it.

Even after he dies, he NEVER. EVER. Blames or is mad at Tim for it. He's so relieved he's okay and safe and ALIVE. That's all he wanted. THAT'S ALL HE WANTED. He doesn't blame him for his own death, but the ark is pushing him with the whole "I KILLED YOU! AND YOU'LL DIE HERE SLOWLY BECAUSE OF ME!" nightmare he had with Tim's mask. And yet.. he doesn't. He loves Tim. He never stopped.

His actions are out of anger and frustration, sure, but the deep love and care never left. He never wanted to hurt anyone.

I do though, I hate Tim for how he treated Hoody. I don't care that it was a stranger, you can see that a person is sick with the same disease YOU have medicine for and you're unwilling to help them even if all THEY did was to help and guide your ass. He's a hypocrite to me, and I understand his reasonings, but I'll never not be bitter about it. -- that's a whole different thing though haha...

MY DMS ARE ALWAYS OPENED FOR DISCUSSIONS BTW!! I LOVE TO YAP!!

[starlightandfairies]

Omg i looooove you !! I might have another idea, just something simple like, the reader and Elijah are dating but his calls won't get any reply for nearly a whole day. So as worried as he is, he comes to your house, finding you terribly sick and immediately turns into nurse mode to take care of you and making sure you get better soon ? 🥺

Description: The reader becomes unwell with a cold and due to missing calls this worries Elijah and once he discovers the truth he ends up playing nurse.

Warnings: she/her pronouns, fluff, swearing

*Requests are open, please send through as many requests as you want, check my character list and requesting rules.*

Thank you for another request! I hope you enjoy this one too! Sorry it's a short one

Key: Y/N = Your Name, L/N = Last name, POV = Point of view

Word Count: 822

First Person's POV

When Elijah and I didn't see each other we would have an hour-long phone call if it were possible. Even if we had seen each other all day, before I would go to bed he'd practically talk to me until I fell asleep. I loved listening to his loving, gentle, tender and handsome voice. I love the fact that of all people, Elijah chose me. A human. At first, when our relationship started getting more serious, he was scared of getting carried away and forgetting that I am a human... so he was gentle and I mean he's still incredibly gentle with me but he's less hesitant when we're being more intimate. 

Another thing that I adored about Elijah was how he looked after my every need, he was thoughtful and would remember things about me that I don't even remember mentioning to him but the fact that he knew me inside and out about my likes and dislikes it made me feel special and cared for. 

I got think, I hated being sick, half the time when I'm sick I can hardly look at the light and pretty much have to sit in a dark room. My bedroom floor was decorated with tissues, I looked gross and I felt gross. I hadn't been on my phone all day, forgetting to tell Elijah about the fact that I was sick and wouldn't be on the phone. 

I groaned, burying my face into the pillow as my headache banged against my head, the doorbell rang a few times and it took me longer than normal to get to the front door. I jumped seeing Elijah about to walk in with concern and worry covering his features. I cannot imagine how I looked, I am sure that I looked just as bad as I felt. My nose must be all red and my eyes must be puffy. He instantly pulled me into his arms, stepped into my home and rested a gentle kiss on my forehead. 

"Oh, sweetheart, I wished you would've told me that you were sick." He cooed, easily picking me up, resting my head on his shoulder and carried me back to my room. The vampire proceeded to rest his suit coat on my dresser chair and rested me on my bed. 

"I'll run a shower for you, you know they help and make you feel fresher." I pathetically nodded, leaning into him as he rested another kiss on my forehead. Elijah got the warm water running, the steam from the bathroom sneaking into my bedroom as I waddled into the bathroom. Once I managed to leave the warm cocoon of the water I smiled seeing new pyjamas resting on the counter. I dressed myself and curled back into bed, waiting for Elijah to come back. 

"I got some Vicks, sore throat lozenge, pain killers, water and chicken soup with the noodles drained out." 

"Oh, you really love me," I whispered, pushing myself up and smiling tiredly at Elijah as he rested the soup on my bedside table, placed the water down and sat down beside me gesturing to the Vicks vapour rub, asking permission to rub it on. I stared at him as he began rubbing it across my chest, he had a kind smile on his lips and whispered softly. 

"You must think I am attractive right now," I mumbled, buttoning my shirt back up as he finished rubbing the stuff on me. 

"I think you're absolutely stunning every day I lay my eyes on you. There's never a time when you're not stunning." 

"You're a liar." 

"I never lie." He whispers. Kissing my forehead, smiling softly and grabbing the bowl of soup. Elijah proceeded to feed me a spoonful of the soup. Elijah would take pauses when I needed a break, he would stare at me with adoration in his eyes and would whisper words of love. 

After having me take painkillers, then had me have the lozenge. Elijah brought me into his arms, stroking my cheek with a small smile. I fell asleep wrapped in his arms, my head aching once I woke up once more. I groaned, feeling hot and stuffy. I pushed myself out of bed, jumping to find Elijah right at my side. 

"What can I do for you, my love?" 

"I need fresh air, I feel all hot and yucky again." He picked me up as if I were a fragile piece of glass, I clutched onto him gently, letting him easily carry me out to the sitting area outside and rested me on the lounge chair. I hummed gently as Elijah began reading a passage from his book, a loving look in his eyes and his voice soothing enough to make me feel better and the low hum made the headache go away and everything seem okay. 

[anthurak]

Really not looking forward to the inevitability of Octavia getting hate/being called ungrateful by certain fans of Stolas, Blitzo, and Stolitz for feeling betrayed and abandoned by Stolas. Even though from what we've seen, from her perspective, she has no reason to like or even really care about Blitzo? We've never seen him interact positively with her, really, so to her, he's just this random imp who showed up, slept with her dad, and after that, her whole life started falling apart, with her parents very audibly and visibly fighting (they always fought, but it seems to be implied they kept it away from Via) and eventually just getting into a divorce, which resulted in Via getting ignored by her father and potentially just shuffled off to her mother and uncle when he wanted to talk to Blitzo. And now she's learning that her father, with no apparent hesitation, has seemingly decided to leave her behind to live with the guy he cheated on her mother with.

Man I hope you’re wrong. But sadly, yeah we are most likely going to be seeing at least some Octavia hate for the ‘terrible crime’ of being angry at her dad for essentially validating all her fears of abandoning her.

Considering how ubiquitous and entrenched the ‘wholesome Stolitz family’ headcanons have become, it definitely feels like a lot of people at this point view Octavia as simply ‘Stolas’s cute and wholesome daughter’ rather than as her own character. So when she starts acting like her own character with her own life, wants and goals instead of just some extension of Stolas’s character… well, we’ve seen how fandom often treats young women who have the audacity to actually get ANGRY at something.

And that’s not even getting into some of the OTHER ‘headcanon-breaking’ stuff we might see from Octavia in Sinsmas.

I mean I’ve had a feeling for a while now that everyone who was/is parroting ‘Octavia is 17/a child!’ are going to pitch a hissy fit when the show reveals/acknowledges that Octavia is NOT in fact 17/a child anymore. And between the recent emphasis on Octavia inheriting Stolas’s position and the background hints to the actual timeframe of the show (just about two years at this point) we’ve gotten, I’d call it a safe bet that it will be revealed that Octavia is actually 18/19 next episode.

Then of course with the potential for Loona being heavily involved next episode, we of course have the extreme likelihood of Loona and Octavia NOT acting like the ‘wholesome sisters’ that much of the fandom seems to have at this point headcanon’d themselves into expecting.

I mean just the very idea of them in any way viewing each other as ‘sisters’ seems fairly dubious at this point. As you pointed out, Octavia has absolutely NO reason to like or even care about Blitzo, so in turn WHAT reason would she have at all to view this ‘weird red dickhead’s’ daughter as a sister? Really, any meaningful connection we might see between Octavia and Loona in this episode would almost certainly be them bonding as FRIENDS, much like what we saw back in Seeing Stars.

And that’s not even touching on the possibility of more off-the-wall swerves that could potentially completely break any image of these two being 'sisters' like much of the fandom seems to be expecting. Like I’ll admit that I’ve become rather sick of the ‘Loona and Octavia are wholesome sisters’ headcanons that have spun out of the Stolitz shipping to the point that a rather petty part of myself thinks it would be REALLY funny if it turns out Octavia has a big crush on Loona*.

All in all, unfortunately I have a good hunch that Sinsmas is going to be a major turning point with a lot of twists and developments for Octavia, Stolas, Blitzo and Loona that are likely going to make a lot of long running and entrenched headcanons metaphorically smash headlong into a wall. And that a lot of people who have been completely ass-up in their headcanons are going to take the non-canonicity of their headcanons… lets just say very ungracefully.

*And to anyone already furiously typing out an angry reply about how Octavia was confirmed to be ace, I would like to remind you that ‘asexual’ does NOT necessarily mean ‘aromantic’.

[nuikasa]

As a fellow 25 year old who loves prsk, the characters and stories, the minors have ruined much of the english side of the fandom for me. I love your art and aus but haven't kept up with your blog for a while but just checked back only to see you dealing with the same harassment I've seen several other prsk artists and writers get on Twitter for the littlest of things once again makes me so disappointed. So many of them attack others for things so little as what ships or headcanons they like, even though it's entirely harmless and with completely fictional characters. It astounds me how cruel they can be over fictional characters then play victim when people tell them what they are doing is wrong. I know it's not all minors, but it's still a loud enough group of them to cause harm to other's desires to create content. I'm sorry you have to deal with it as well. I look forward to your future works :)

And a funny little point that always makes me laugh is that who do the kids think pay money for the game so that they can keep playing for free? Is it really only targeted to kids if the adults are the ones paying for ingame currency and gacha pulls for high tiers? It sure isn't the kids

Thank you for your words, it actually made me feel so much better after reading a few of you reaching me out and supporting me after all what I have been going through. I had to stop using my main account on Twitter for this reason, because just the fact that I'm someone with a large amount of followers there, it was dragging the attention of these so called toxic minors and I think that's the main reason why they targeted me because I don't understand why would you send hate to an artist that hasn't done anything wrong but post what they love to draw, I'm not the only artist that has been harassed, even cosplayers were harassed and had to apologize in order to stop being harassed, it's really unbelievable.

I suppose I'm hated as well bc I never really said a word towards my haters, just let them be for the mere fact that I don't want to give them what they want (attention) and I don't have anything to apologize for if they are expecting that from me.

The more you get attention, the more they pay attention to what you do and they judge you for the most harmless thing, twisting the meaning to their convenience and make it look like you are bad to the fandom.

All what I did was to draw ruikasa, all this bullshit about sexualizing fictional characters and nsfw it's just a way for minors to get the attention they want, the purity bullshit the pull on others it's surreal as well, what they are trying to protect? As far as I see, no one because I have never seen a real victim from whatever I did, no one has said a word to me nor told me if I really did something wrong to them, it's all speculation, fake rumors.

What I do in my account is my problem?? Why the fuck do they care so much what I post or not? If you don like it just leave? Why do you have to harass me for what I like or what I draw? They shouldn't even been in Twitter in the first place, they are the ones that get in spaces they shouldn't be then force people to make their own space comfortable while ruining someone else's space.

I swear I'm sick tired of them, this is the main reason why now I just post my art and leave, it's way better to just post what I love to do and not pay attention to anyone in general; it's sad cuz I know some ppl want to talk to me or maybe leave a nice comment but I do what I can to keep myself safe from these minors.

And you are right haha as an adult that pays things on this game, honestly they talk like the game is just for them alone but they do a bunch of paid banners and monthly outfits, they think it's targeted for them alone how delusional they are, they need their daddy or mommy's card to buy anything there lmaooo.

Anyways, I think this become too long haha I appreciate your support and love, I will do my best to keep it up with all the stories, I'm looking forward to show more of them, thank you for taking a moment to tell me what's on your mind and your concern about my whole situation <3

[myehm228]

Sorry if you've answered this before, but why do you hate the reboot so much?

well, actually, I’ve already talked about this several times here

I hate him because it ruined everything for me. I’ve been in the fandom for quite a long time and it’s not just a fandom, it’s already become my home, it’s one of the few things that makes me happy, that can bring me good emotions, I had it during the terrible periods of my life, I’m very close to the show and the characters, I love this very much, I can’t take it any simpler, I just can’t. I built so many things, I had so many ideas, I thought about the holes in the plot and in the lore, about the characters, about what could have happened before and after the canon, taking into account almost everything that was said in the canon, I really tried to do everything logically and as best as possible. and now that this has come out, everything I’ve done all these years has become worthless in an instant, I don’t know what to do now. previously, no one cared much about my ideas and creativity either, it was almost of no interest to anyone, and now even more so. people only like the reboot, they don’t like anything else, they don’t always like the original either. I don’t like it, I don’t want it this way, and it’s everywhere, I can’t even hide from it, it’ll get me everywhere, everywhere they will shove it at me, everywhere they will equate my headcanons to a reboot, everywhere they will call my designs peri and irep, and they will be surprised that I use the original canon, wow. I can isolate myself from artists or writers that I don’t like, but I can’t with this, it makes me sick, I want to bang my head against the walls.

and in general, the reboot itself is pretty mediocre, let's be honest. it may not be downright terrible, but it’s pretty boring and mediocre, and it’s only being singled out for its beautiful graphics (and even then, computer animation doesn’t suit the style and it looks bad). if it weren’t for all this, I simply wouldn’t care, but I really don’t understand how people can lick this so passionately, and also say that this is a masterpiece and much better than the original, well, excuse me of course. they forgot about the canon, if you are making a direct sequel in the same universe, as reboot are very fond of repeating all the time, then can you at least, I don’t know, normally review the original cartoon? seriously, there's a change in how Cosmo and Wanda met, well guys, I wanted to cry. it feels like everyone who created this didn’t watch anything other than season 9 and half of season 1 (and then only with one eye and background), otherwise I don’t know how to explain these huge holes and illogicality. and the fans are also good, they’re sitting there, they haven’t even watched the show and are already proving something to others and doing something, well, are you serious or what. how many fans of the reboot will cry if I say that fairies canonically cannot have children not from fairies, but how can that be, but what about the children of perirep оh how did it happen🥺🥺🥺 and the fact that Cosmo and Wanda should be fairies of Timmy's children and not on some vacation and with Hazel, because it corresponds to the time, well, who cares about stupid original. and this is not an isolated case.

and also, simply because I didn’t like the reboot (at that time I didn’t hate it yet, I just didn’t love it), so much shit was thrown at me than I had ever seen in my entire stay in the fandom. I was called a racist simply because I don’t like Hazel and I think that she’s not an interesting character, well, because after all, we know that everyone who doesn’t like the reboot is racist, really, yes yes, that's the truth. and also in response to criticism of the reboot, they told me to grow up, touch the grass and that I’m toxic, oh how cool, and after that it’s me who’s bad, it’s me who needs to be cancelled, I DARE NOT TO LOVE A N*W W*SH OMG, that’s how it works yes.

I have enough reasons not to like the reboot and its fans, especially after what happened to me. I really feel bad watching this, it ruined my whole summer, it was terrible, it was so terrible, if they release a season 2, I don’t know how I’ll live, I don’t think I can stand it. I don’t want, I don’t want to see this, I want the fandom to die again, I feel bad, it’s killing me from the inside.

ой достали меня эти омерекосы все вам объяснять надо😑😑

[wc-confessions]

Responding to the “you are a fake squirrelflight fan if you want her to retire from leadership” discussion. Here are my two cents as a Squirrelflight fan myself.

First, I thought we left behind the behavior of what makes a “real” and “fake” fan? It’s outdated and alienates people within the fandom especially with the egregious expectations people have for someone to be called a “real fan.” Second, this is why some of us Squirrelflight fans want her to retire.

To put it blunt, we are sick of the Erins’ crappy writing that keeps enforcing that Squirrelflight gets constantly framed as in the wrong and also abused. Even an Erin who admitted she hated Squirrelflight was allowed to write I believe it was Bramblestar’s Storm(?) and basically beat on her. Squirrelflight is put through time and time again so much pressure and heartbreak that I’m surprised she is still standing, but I am grateful she is.

Allowing her to retire could give her a chance at a calmer lifestyle. After everything she has gone through; she and Bramblestar’s mateship, Ashfur, the whole story with her sister and her sister’s kits, and now even StarClan giving her a trial to even be allowed into StarClan, she deserves a break. I can’t imagine that leadership would be kind to her in the long run as cats will continue to wrongly judge her thanks to the Erins’ writing. Even during the broken code arc, cats didn’t listen to her temporary leadership. Yes, leadership is something she had dreamed of since kithood. But the cost of the mental, physical, and emotional labor that it comes with coupled with whatever the Erins could plot next for her is terrifying. I don’t want Squirrelflight to be a punching bag for the Erins’ weird writing that excuses toms and punishes she-cats. I want them to stop beating on her and let her actually live her life and enjoy it. Even in the current arc, I have seen both Squirrelflight fans and haters rag on her for how she is handling leadership right now and dealing with the Splashtail (1)

plotline. Squirrelflight is a character that means something to most people. I wouldn’t doubt that it is worrisome with how the Erins continue to write her and mischaracterize her how they see fit in order to make another narrative “correct”, even villainizing her in some aspects. In conclusion, the fans who want her to retire are the fans who love Squirrelflight enough that we don’t want her to be another cat’s victim. We want her to be happy, find peace, and finally feel like she can just breathe. Retirement or at least allowing her to have a choice in stepping down from deputy/leadership positions grants her more autonomy than the Erins and arguably Bramblestar have ever done. I feel like if Ivypool steps up to be Ivystar, she can be more at peace as I feel like she remained deputy even putting up with Bramblestar’s shit in order to ensure her Clan would be in safe claws. It isn’t out of character for her to care about her Clan and loved ones that deeply. Sorry for the long rant, but that’s my view on it.

Sorry want to also add to my Squirrelflight essay basically if she is “out of the spotlight” from the Erins grasp, she can be considered safer. They won’t be able to paint her as a villain or mischaracterize her as much, and thus we can feel better about our poor girl.

[freezerbnuuy]

Act 2:8- Give In (Page 4)

LORE | CHARACTERS | ABOUT / CHAPTERS / WARNINGS

← PREVIOUS | BEGINNING | NEXT →

CONTENT WARNING: intrusive thoughts, sexual references

Oskar

I take a stroll around Finchwick, as I have been the week that I've been here. Though Henford seems to never get any sun, or so Violeta says- I still haven't tested her theory that I won't burn unless the sun is out. She's living just down the road from me. It feels strange, almost claustrophobic being in such a small house, but it'll take a while before it truly feels like a home.

The nights are usually quiet, save for when the pub gets busy towards the end of the night. I try to avoid groups of people. I do notice an interesting-looking woman, standing on the corner by the pub, dressed in red silk- something that I suppose most would consider seductive. There isn't anyone else around; the pub seems to be quiet tonight. I figure I ought to talk to her. I wonder if there's a reason she's out so late.

She catches my attention before I even speak to her. She speaks to me in a soft and sultry voice.

"You look a little lost, darling. Been a long day? Maybe I can help you wind down a little, if you'd like."

"Oh, I'm quite alright, thank you. I prefer being out late. Less crowds."

She chuckles. Did I say something funny? Or is it my speech impediment that's making her laugh? Sometimes having fangs on both my top and bottom teeth is something of a curse. 

It's been ages since I've had a taste. I wonder what her blood tastes like-

No, not now. This is what I dreaded about coming to Henford. Violeta is right- we both needed a change of scenery, and I don't regret having my daughter on my doorstep- but I haven't had to wrestle with these thoughts for so many years. They were going to wreak havoc on me after so long of not experiencing them. I could barely cope with them back then. How long until forty-six turns to forty-seven? Forty-eight? Forty-nine, fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two- No, for Watcher's sake, stop...

"I see. So you're a gentleman of the night, are you? Someone as beautiful as you must be."

Beautiful? I haven't seen my reflection for almost one hundred and thirty years- sometimes it's hard not to picture yourself as some kind of bat-faced monster when your imagination has had to fill in the blanks. Most men would take such a compliment as an insult to their masculinity, but I certainly don't. If anything, it's oddly affirming.

I don't know what to say to her. Am I really so obviously a vampire to others? Is it the way I dress? Is it my speech? Do I even care if anyone finds out? Who would be brave enough to even try to stop me? Maybe she won't hate me for it, I suppose, but maybe my first week in isn't the best time to cause a stir like that.

"It's okay, sweetheart. I'm the same as you- standing on the edge of the street, sucking men dry for a living. You don't have to feel ashamed, I promise."

"Really? People pay you to drain them?" What a strange country I'm in. I didn't expect there to be vampire-friendly folk, let alone people who'd pay to have you drink their blood. Maybe I ought to change my mind on hiring an apprentice, and just find these odd people with fat pockets and peculiar interests.

The soft thudding of her heart...I can hear it from here. I'm sick to death of bloodfruit. What's stopping me? No-one else is around.

No, not this again. I have to focus on something else...the bats. I can stop myself this time, I know it. 

One bat, two bats, three bats, four bats, five bats, six bats, seven bats-

I bet her blood is sweeter than any confection...I should just give in. Innocent or not, what difference does it make? The way the fresh blood of a human warms your insides...don't you want that? Witnessing the growing pallor of their skin as you savour every last drop?

Maybe you should let go and become the monster everyone will accuse you of being once they know the truth about you-or maybe you already are the monster-

"Are you okay? Why are you counting-"

No! Don't stop me, or I'll hurt you.

"What are you talking about? We were just talking, you weren't doing-"

- thirteen bats, fourteen bats, fifteen bats, sixteen bats...

"Please, stop. I don't know why you're counting bats, but whatever it is, you don't need to."

I find myself sitting in the grass, with her hand on my cheek. Why is she helping me? I could've hurt her. Goodness, my first week in Henford and already someone other than Violeta has seen me like this.

"Don't touch me! I don't want to-"

"You weren't trying to hurt me, sweetheart, I promise."

I don't get it. Why is she so understanding of something no-one ever seems to understand? 

[blippystar9]

For my pinned comment from last year on my page to be talking about why tf JaNa didn't get anyones heartrate up and for one of those people to be Kenny as well which was supposed to be her PARTNER it sadly makes some sense now. After what I have found out I am so sick for her as a young black woman myself to find out that the man you loved didn't feel the same what's so ever and not because of something you can even change like a habit or maybe even a trait but because of your WHOLE RACE?!?! This sh!t fvcks me up everytime I try to comprehend it. Like your telling me all the interactions meant nothing!? Not the cuddling, kissing, longing looks, the INTIMACY, the WORDS, ESPECIALLY THE FVCKING CRYINGGGG. It didn't mean a d*mn thing to him??? I don't know if I can believe it like you were with her for a fvcking YEAR??? They have been around eachothers families making memories together and he had been just as r*cist as he wants to be to his friends apparently behind her backkkk. THIS is one of the many reasons why black women are scared to date outside of their raceee, because of evil b*tches like this. THEN he had the nerve to serve up that rage bait chat gbt

a$$ answer on his story as if they just naturally drifted apart like NO YOUR A R*CIST SCAMMING A$$ B*TCH THATS WHY.

Sadly another part of me still thinks even with the scamming involved...is he really that good of an actor or did he accidentally catch feelings for her? Like no way you did all of what you did with that woman and NOT catch feelingsss?!The hard hitting question that gets me everytime is would it have been better if she was "different" like would it have been better if she was someone more his "type" because im feeling like JaNa would be his type on paper but why is race such a deal changer for people??? Why can't people be looked at as beautiful just because of their raceee it's so MIND BOGGLING TO ME because she is STUNNING not just inside with her beautiful face card and TEA body BUT her beautiful soul, genuine heart with her funny personality, and protective spirit.

I seen something on TikTok talking about how he may be black himself and that could be true because alot of Dominicans are but some just have that whole "I no black im Dominican" complex so they think they can easily deny their African roots and make fun of them although nationality and race are TWO different things. Alot of the times it's self hatred and I really do hate it, it's so disgusting to see it in your face tho after falling so attached to their couple because I personally thought it was genuine.

A month ago I wouldn't have betted this AT ALL. I assumed maybe married with kids in the future BUT NOT THISSS. Also for the people saying they KNEW he didn't like her and making videos about it on social platforms WHY would you do that??? She could see that and think "so the same people saying they supported us never ACTUALLY believd he could like me?" It feels so fake for the same creators saying they loved their couple and ALWAYS loved their couple one second and then saying they never believed in them the next. Also the "RaNa" jokes need to calm down I truly don't think it's the time to be doing that crackship thing while JaNa is hurting like this.

My sympathy goes out to her tho because honestly I'm still confused and upset for her and I wouldn't wish this treatment on anyone this is just cruel and evil and I'm disgusted by Kenny and shocked that he was capable of this because he really did seem sweet but now everything is contradicting that character all at once.

Like can she sue for thisss??? IM SO GENUINE WHEN I SAY THAT can she sue because this is so vile there NEEDS to be a punishment because you thought you were letting a man that loved and adored you into your life and the whole time he was mostly "dealing" with you and s3xualizing you and liked your personality maybe but HATED YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE IN THS PROCESSS WTFFF?!?! I wish her the utmost well and I pray she can grow from this and I know she has a whole army in her life and even online because NOBODY playsss bout Nay Nay, Love her dowwnnnn.

That's all I have to rant about laterrr.

[raamitsu]

PERSONAL THOUGHTS ON JJK CHAPTER 261 ⭐

Sorry for the fact that it took me a VERY long time to share this and yes, it was pretty long so just scroll if you do not want to read it :")

one thing about me that took me by surprise after chapter 261 leaks came out, was that I was one of many people who quickly adapted and accepted the chapter itself. even at this moment, I am so hyped to read everyone's thoughts and opinions regarding it. maybe I don't care anymore or maybe I was so confused plus tired but most importantly I wanted to see how the story progresses from this chapter. now, it concerns three people at once: Yuta in Satoru's body (considering Yuta is one of my favorite characters too and there is a highly chance he will die), Yuji who was punched and tossed aside once again by Sukuna and Todo who reacted weirdly. The chapter itself was too interesting for me to get emotional but then when I looked at Satoru's face, suddenly it feels like an open wound.

as a long time fan of Gojo Satoru myself, I won't lie to you that even I wished he would return but at the same time I didn't expect him to. had a quick realization and said to myself, "wait- maybe he should have not? because then he will have to get his ass back to the battlefield and fight Sukuna, and then what? he will die again. why would he have to repeat the same shit all over again? yeah that's enough of a burden already." and here we go... again.

seeing how the chapter has turned out, you can say that it is as if my wish was finally granted but it came with a gruesome, brutal twist behind the anticipated awaiting. if you think me seeing Satoru's physical body being used [as a weapon] once again is painful to death, imagine the heartache I had to go through realizing that Yuta was the one who took over his body; and again learning the fact that HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE DID NOT WANT TO COMMIT SUCH INHUMANITY MOVE ON HIS BELOVED TEACHER 😭💔 and yet, Satoru consented him - mental breakdown after another, I must say. I almost passed out (not really) while reading the chapter but surprisingly I have read it at least five times. I felt sick to my bone, however, it was an unbelievable experience and I respected Gege for that (still, it does not mean that I won't hate him ☺️👊🏻)

now... I do not want to undermine the advantage of criticism but as what I have seen/read during the break week on twitter, there are nothing but nonsense. for example, there was this one person expressed about the way they felt [as an Asian] to witness Gege implementing JJK with dark element and claiming that treating a deceased body like a playground was seen as "taboo" in Japan - meanwhile the "taboo" in question here does not only apply to one specific Asian country. while their opinions and feelings were somehow valid, it was still not applicable to speak for everyone especially the majority of Asian JJK readers who love this chapter and has no issue in understanding the points that Gege wanted to come across through his readers.

since I am unfortunately not in a great shape right now- I will do my best to make it short: the hate train against Yuta and Shoko should not be warranted in the first place. all they did for the past few chapters was trying their best to come out with alternatives in order to defeat Sukuna - and that included using Satoru's physical body as their "last resort" as we have learned in chapter 261. you can deem it as "not morally right" which indeed it is and still able to look pass at it rationally for the fact that it was not a baseless desperate move, and Satoru was not being forced by a third party to give consent for his corpse to be used - even if it was not Yuta. to be fair, re-reading the chapter again after I have done posting leaks, I cannot help but found it so tragic for my man and for my beloved boy to make themselves out to be a monster out of their own willingness - and this is why I am deeply thankful for the fact that the one who "inherited" Satoru's memories was Yuta instead of another villain.

no one, not even a sorcerer, can remain their sanity until the end - not when the situation they are in requires an unprecedented decision making thus resulting them into putting aside their morality and humanity to "level themselves up" against a calamity that knows no limit. even if it costs the lives of many, they will execute the only alternative they had left. a dire situation will tell you, show you exactly what human beings are capable to do. you should be able to understand the sentiment while still being judgmental upon it.

and lastly, the amount of uneasy feeling I have even after looking at these panel for couple of times already like LORD-

that is all. after this I will do another re-read to form a separated post with different opinions. Insha'Allah.

[ivysangel]

wally’s death was the first character death that i ever experienced from a character that i LOVED. like i was crushed and i cried so hard my mom thought someone actually died so i understand your pain!! and when they did the kind of flashback thing in season 3 where dick was hallucinating about being robin with the team and wally was back while fighting on granny goodness’s ship??? the writers were SICK for that!!

also dinah mentioning the sanctuary part at the end of season 4 is supposed to be how wally comes back but i don’t see how cause in the comics he’s stuck in the speedforce but the writers say there is no speedforce?? which why not??

the time jump was the dumbest thing i’ve ever seen cause why??? we missed tula joining the team and then dying, we missed kaldur discovering who his real father is and going to the light’s side (even if it was just undercover), we missed dick becoming nightwing, and we missed ALL of jason. don’t get me wrong cause i love tim and i wanted to see him as robin too but jason is such an important part of tim and dick’s stories so what gives??

and the writers are especially sick for how they did wally and artemis!! cause why tease us with them for the whole season, finally give us spitfire in the last episode of season 1, then have their ENTIRE relationship off screen, and then they kill wally?? we really got no time with them!! like spitfire is arguably the best couple on the show even if the writers clearly do favor connor and m’gann. especially m’gann and i love her but why was dick barely in season 4???

i don't think i cried when wally died bc i'm p sure i spoiled it for myself but i was still GUTTED. me and one of my friends who also watched yj have talked about it so many times. she actually stopped after he died and said she wouldn't continue the show unless they brought him back. i think dc knows what young justice fans want i just don't think they gaf bc that have quite literally not implemented a single thing that fans have REALLY asked for. you'll say "we want wally back!!" and they'll be like "ohhh okay let's remind everyone that he's dead and literally nobodies truly recovered!!!"

also, once again, FUCK that five year time jump. the young justice writers' room utilized the FUCK out of time jumps like every season has at least one or two??? mid-season they'll be like "1 year later" WHAT??? but like i said, nothing is worse than that five year time jump between s1 and s2 because five years is such a long time, especially because the team were practically babies at the beginning. they had so much potential and then the show just jumped to them as adults and a whole new team.

i also fully hate that they introduced rocket in the second to last episode or smth and pretty much benched her as a superhero for the entire rest of the show, i do not understand that decision AT ALL.

and yes, the fourth season being advertised as a season about the og team only for it to be so heavily m'gann and conner centric was so…i did enjoy that we finally got some real zatanna screen time but ugh god i wish it was with the team. like i don't really know how to explain it or if this even makes sense, but even though the show is about a team i feel like we barely get to see the team do actual team stuff like they used to. it feels like a lot of solo plotlines that happen to be going on in the same show with coincidental correlation.

also i think it might've been season 4? maybe 3? but WAY TOO MANY CUTS TO VANDAL SAVAGE'S LIFE STORY. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

[veterantrainerray]

/ooc post time!

I have been aggressively purging my following list off and on for a while. If I see a politically charged, hateful or overly negative post that isn’t something like “I have (insert condition here) and it sucks so I’m gonna vent” I’ve been hitting unfollow without even looking at the URL.

I don’t mind people venting. That on its own is fine, it’s healthy. I can handle people talking about their problems and encounters. I’m just violently sick of the politics. Sick of everyone these days being so mired in political discourse that they end up easily manipulated by the politicians. Sick of the people who take every opportunity to turn a topic into a political issue when before they chime in it’s just an anecdote. But if I go any further on that topic, I’m liable to get into hypocritical territory, so let’s leave that there. Of particular note, however, I am fine with FICTIONAL politics as long as they they do not mirror or depict real world figures, events or purely political problems (I’m not gonna get bent out of shape if someone mentions the Devon Corporation doing something morally ambiguous at best or talks about the Umbrella Corporation or something) so don’t worry about that.

Once I’m very sure I’ve fully purged the follow list I’ll get back into the swing of things writing Ray. Gonna frame the blog’s activity as him being on the tail end of his recovery from his traumatic leg injury and getting back into everything himself.

The following is addressed directly to this blog’s followers.

As an apology to everyone who has waited, as I see my follower count hasn’t gone down and many of you are still active on my dash despite the purging, here’s a little insight on Ray as a character.

First off, he shares my age, birthday, and many of my beliefs, but he’s not strictly a self insert. He’s more like… What I could’ve been had the circumstances been different. I don’t think myself or Ray are definitively the better person, to be clear.

Second, his knee injury was written so he’d better mirror my own left knee. I have to wear a brace under my uniform at work and often use a wooden cane to get around at home, and decided that representing the use of such utility aids may help others like me feel seen… I don’t personally get much from seeing my struggles represented, as I have very close friends who make me feel understood, but others don’t have my good fortune and I want to remind them that someone out there gets it.

The twins were originally an experiment in writing good female characters for me. I wanted to see if I could capture a sense of femininity in such vastly different women, and I feel like that’s gone pretty well. Maya is a more “traditional” depiction of a woman being feminine, but I refused to write her as anything less than intelligent and capable. Mara is perhaps more of the opposite; She has strong masculine personality traits, but I feel I’ve kept her as having a noticeable feminine identity through it, and I’m kind of proud of that. Ray trusts both of them completely after years of working with them.

. . . And yes I’ve been seeing the asks about how attractive some of yall find all three. I just haven’t gotten any I’m comfortable publishing and they’ve all been anonymous so I couldn’t message directly.

The more recent addition, Shale, as some of you picked up on, is a trans girl who was bullied. Ray knows the chairman of the Driftveil Mining Co. so he’s taking on Shale’s care for a while to help them get away and build up some confidence. Ray himself is either only recently aware or not yet aware they are trans, but the twins definitely have. They’re poised to be mentors to Shale more than Ray is. I’ve only written one other explicitly trans character since being outwardly transgender became an accepted thing to discuss publicly, which to be clear is a good thing and I will not give a platform to those who say otherwise. Shale is also the youngest member of the ranch’s crew, at 15 years old. I also have plans to eventually add a man to this group, to balance the roster a bit. Just waiting for inspiration.

AND FINALLY, once the blog fires back up in full again, I’ll finally begin writing the payoff to Ray’s feelings after the arc with @trainer-dashiela a while back! Namely his discussions of beefing up the ranch’s training gear, improving his own methods, and perhaps expanding the operation as a whole after chatting with Honey and Mustard from the dojo on the Isle of Armor. He won’t open a dojo, at least not in name, as he feels odd about using what is an eastern cultural name for an institution when he himself is essentially as European as it gets. But there is a western equivalent he is more comfortable with. So there’s all that to look forward to! The benefit of this hiatus has been the opportunity to fully plan this next chapter before committing to it in full.

[tiredandanxiouschaos]

My favourite soon-to-be-lovers tropes!!

Some adorable things to make your characters (that aren't a couple yet) do <33

(Exposing myself and my relationship yearnings tbh)

○ good old sick trope. But make the sick character get like really really seriously sick (maybe even end up in the hospital?) and after they finally cure, B starts to wonder why were they so dramatically worried about A's health to the point of realizing they'd do anything to make them feel better.

○ Make A kill a man for B. I love sick devotion especially when it's the most obsessive, violent, utterly filthiest, freakest, nastiest, one-sided love.

○ Make them eat breakfast together. You don't even understand how DEEPLY ROMANTIC that is. You wake up fucking pissed (bc you had to wake up) and hate absolutely everyone in these early hours, but yet you choose to tolerate another human being (that you don't live with) and EAT a MEAL with them?? Gay af.

○ Walks. A takes B on walks. Anywhere, everywhere. They can be always seen on walks together. Their friends probably started to ship them because of their little walks.

○ Make As eyes linger a little bit too long on Bs eyes/lips.

○ Make A pick up Bs interests/music taste/clothing style/personality traits without realizing.

○ MAKE. THEM. PLAN. TO. TRAVEL. TOGETHER. Nothing cuter than two idiots in love gigglin n rollin together thinking about their vacation plans.

○ A actually confessed many times already, but B is oblivious and always excuses it with something. ("They were drunk...", "They were tired...", "They were just kidding...")

That's it for now! Hope I helped <33

[holdens-baseball-mitt]

In my mind, Holden is one of those characters whose in such a downward spiral, he needs some horrible accident/near death experience to realize just how much he wants to live.

On that note, it's been long enough that I think it's finally safe to post that narrative continuation of Catcher I had to write. Here is your grocery list of trigger warnings.

Major character (like the main character) death

(accidental) drug OD

car crash

implied child abuse

just... pain? general pain?

Holden's POV, 3 months after the end of the novel

One more day in this goddamn place, then I’m out. More like one more minute, at this point- I’ve been told my parents are on their way. Not that I want to see them. They keep saying they put me here to fix me, but I hate that goddamn sentence. “Fix me”. It’s not even my fault I was broken, was it? Sure, I was depressed as hell, but it’s not like I woke up one day and decided to be. Everyone always says you need to be fixed- what a bunch of phonies. They probably need to be fixed too. My parents went heavy on the “getting fixed” thing. And Old Phoebe- oh, I feel bad. And man, she really is old now- almost as tall as me… time really flies when you’re stuck in a mental asylum against your will, I guess. She came the other day with my mother- you should have seen my mother. She was crying, crying like hell. Talking about how I was ‘hurting’- and she never even visited me before that. And for the record, I wasn’t ‘hurting’. That’s what they always say. That you were hurting. Anyways, Phoebe came with her, and man, was she upset. She kept crying about how she missed me. I guess I missed her too- but seeing her made me feel sick to my stomach. I couldn’t tell you why. 

The adults here suck. They keep asking you dumb questions, like “Are you going to apply yourself?” and “Are you gonna get more involved?”, just like I said. They act like I know. For once, I don’t. And they’re irresponsible as hell- I’ve been scared that one day they’ll give me the wrong meds, and  I’ll just drop dead on the goddamn floor. I’ve heard of it happening. 

I’ve been asked a lot today: “are you excited to be going home?” To be honest, I’m not. My father’s been a bastard lately- he hasn’t come to visit me either. I still hate him a little bit- he’s the first truly phony person I ever knew, and he never changes. The last thing he said to me was something about how he hopes I stay here for the rest of my life. I’ll bet he wishes he never had me- in his defense, I don’t know anyone who would. I’m also kind of scared of him, to be honest. Adults are goddamned idiots- the minute they think you’re sick, they give up on you. And they have full control over your goddamn life, so there’s nothing you can do. But nobody gives a damn what I think- they never did. 

“Caulfield? Your father’s outside.” 

Goddamnit. 

Well, what the hell do you expect me to do? Pretend I’m deranged? According to everyone here, I already am. So even though everything in me is screaming that I should do something, I drag myself towards the car, with that stupid nurse in tow. I don’t even know why they call her a nurse- she probably doesn’t even know basic first aid. Discharges here aren’t fancy- I’m not sure if I’m relieved or angry at that fact. Anyways, I get in the stupid car, and let me tell you- my parents are goddamn hypocrites. They always used to yell at me, Phoebe, and DB for even thinking about smoking. Well, this goddamn car smells like an entire box of cigarettes. 

I get in the cigarette-smelling, stupid goddamn car, with my phony, stupid goddamn father, and sit down without a word. He’s still in his work clothes- his dumb suit and all. You’d think he would say something to his son, who just got out of the hospital mind you- something like a nice “are you okay?”, or “I really missed you!”, or even a goddamn “Hello”, but he won’t even look at me. Eventually, after pulling out of the parking lot, he speaks 

“Holden.”

Well, now I know I’m in trouble. His voice sounds calm- but it has that edge to it. The one where you know he’s pissed. Forget the mental hospital- in a few hours, I’ll have to be put in the real goddamn hospital. “Yeah?”

“We cleaned out your room.” He says calmly. I hate when he goes all eerily calm like that- that’s how you know you’re screwed. He gets eerily calm, his eyes go cold, and he smiles like nothing is wrong- even though you know you’re about to get slapped. Although this time, I will admit, I’m less scared of that, and more scared of what he found in my room. 

“We found the baseball mitt.”

Goddamnit.

Goddamnit, Goddamnit, GOD. DAMNIT. 

I may have forgotten to mention that they didn’t let me take Allie’s baseball mitt into the hospital with me. They said it was “unhealthy” or something stupid like that. So I hid it under my bed. Yes, in hindsight, I know that was a stupid goddamn place to hide it. But I know my parents. They would find it anyway, no matter where the hell I hid it. They’ve been hounding me to get rid of Allie’s baseball mitt for years- they said it isn’t healthy to hang onto it. They’re as stupid as the doctors. So all things considered, the fact that they found it is very bad.

“...What did you do with it?” I ask, trying to sound casual. I just sound sheepish. Now, I’m not a sheepish person- I swear, I’m not. I may not have the guts to outright punch someone, but I know not to be a goddamn doormat. But I’m terrified as hell. 

“What the hell do you think we did with it, Holden?! We threw it out. We’ve been over this- it’s not healthy for you to keep…” He keeps talking, I swear he does, but I’m not hearing any of it. Can you blame me? They just told me, a fresh out of the mental hospital patient- not that I needed the hospital or anything- that they threw out the one goddamn thing that’s been keeping me sane the last few years. And don’t get me wrong- I’m not some psychopath whose only will to live consists of a baseball mitt with some poems on it. But goddamnit, I need that thing if I’m going to live. 

“WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?!” That comes out louder than I intended it to. But I don’t give a damn. Not anymore, I don’t. I know somewhere in the back of my mind that my father is going to kill me if I keep yelling- but hell, if I’m going out, I’m going out loudly. I don’t give a damn if he tries to punish me or not. I see him clutch the wheel like he was scared it would disappear. Suddenly, the silence he’s giving me as a reply is far too loud. Everything is too goddamn loud- the raindrops on the windows, the mindless droning on from the car radio, the distant beeping of car horns. The way my father’s eyes are practically burning a hole through our windshield. The way his jaw is clenching, his knuckles turning white. The smell of goddamn cigarettes filling our goddamn car.

“Holden… I’m going to give you three seconds to apologize.” 

He loves doing that goddamn thing. As if I’ll suddenly feel sorry for what I did because I have a time limit. Well, normally it does work, but this time I feel nothing. I hate how calm he looks. He’s so calm- it makes me so goddamn angry. 

“NO!” I don’t even register what leaves my mouth until afterwards. But I don’t really care anymore. 

“HOLDEN CAULFIELD, HAVE YOU LOST ALL OF YOUR GODDAMN RESPECT?!” And there it is- my full name. Adults love doing that, too. They think it’s scary. 

“YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE I HAVE! MAYBE I DON’T RESPECT ASSHOLES ANYMORE!” My voice is shaking. Maybe it is scary. Man, am I angry. I’ve almost forgotten who the hell I’m talking to at this point. But whoever it is, I want to scream until their goddamn ears burst. 

“THAT’S ENOUGH!” 

Whenever people talk about things like how they survived being shot, they always say that they felt it before they understood what was happening. I think they’re all a bunch of phonies- survivor stories usually are. But they did get one thing right. I feel myself slam into the side of the car and hit my window before I understand what’s happening. There’s this horrible screeching noise. I swear, my soul just left my goddamn body, all within an instant. That’s when I see my father still in the driver’s seat next to me, with the wheel turned sharply, his foot on the brake, and pure rage in his eyes. I think I hit my goddamn head- I can’t even tell which way is up anymore. There’s something sharp digging into my side. We both sit in silence for a long, terrified moment. I feel this weird sinking feeling in my chest- I think I might start crying. Now my father is talking… I can’t really tell what the hell he’s saying. 

“-stupid baseball mitt! Now it's your fault I had to…”

He just keeps going on and on and on… I would say it depresses me, but I’m too shocked to feel anything now. I think I’m dead. Could I be?

“HOLDEN CAULFIELD, YOU ANSWER ME!”

…On second thought, I think I’m alive. Goddamn it. 

“...What?” 

He gives me that disappointed, agitated sigh most adults do when you don’t listen to them. The phony, stupid one that you just know they’re faking. “When we get home, you are going straight to your room, and I’m going to talk to your mother. Understood?”

What happened? Why am I not dead? I look up, and notice the window first. My father must have hit something, because it’s shattered. The car’s still standing upright, but there’s broken glass strewn across the seats. I think a piece of it is digging into my ribs. Everything smells like those goddamn cigarettes. My seat is stained a little bit red. Goddamnit, my mother will kill me for getting blood on the car seat. Am I bleeding? And goddamnit, it’s raining- I’m soaked. I look back to see if we left a skid mark on the road, like in the movies- and we did. It was long- maybe fourteen feet. I would have thought it was cool as hell, if I wasn’t convinced we should both be dead after that.

“Holden!” His goddamn voice. I hate his goddamn voice. It’s cold, and sharp. 

“Right. Understood.” I manage to choke out. “...How are we alive?”

“You’re lucky we are.” He sighs, looking at me all sympathetic all of a sudden, as if he didn’t almost just kill us both. It pains me- he’s phony as hell. “I’m sorry, Holden.”

I know he doesn’t mean that. 

“Goddamnit… Can we just go home?”

“Watch your language.” As if I would. He deserves every curse in the goddamn, stupid, phony world. He’s the worst thing in it. “Yes, we can go home.”

Good. 

Well, thankfully for me, home isn’t too far, and we get there fast. I instantly try to run right up to my goddamn room. But my Dad stops me to throw some stupid medicine at me. He tells me how many to take, but I don’t hear a word of it. I just decide I’ll take some of it later and hope it’s right. To hell with it.

I run up to my room, slam the goddamn door, and start sobbing. I look at the dumb meds that my father gave me. I’m too lazy to read the packaging. The dosage for most meds is three, right? I think it’s three. I’ll take three. I take three- I think it was three, anyways- and toss the bottle aside. The rest of the meds spill all over my floor. I don’t give a damn. I’m still thinking about the car. I feel numb- it’s weird. I’m so goddamn scared, that sinking feeling in my chest never went away. But at the same time I feel nothing. It’s not even me I’m scared for- I’m fine. Mostly. I could have died, sure, but I don’t give a damn. What if Phoebe was in that car? Or Jane, or… or Allie? They might have died. And it’s all my fault, because I don’t know how to keep my goddamn mouth shut. What’s wrong with me?! I need to shut up. I need to shut up! I need to shut up!

Anyways I change my clothes- I find that piece of glass that was stabbing me. It has my blood on it. I hate seeing my blood. I want to scream.

I need to shut up.

I decide that the only thing really to do after damn near dying is lay on my bed and stare up at the ceiling. I feel the sudden urge to talk to Allie. I want him to tell me it’s okay. It’s okay, right? I know it’s okay.

I need to shut up.

“A-Allie? Allie…?!” I ask. I wish I wasn’t expecting a reply. I know he can’t answer. But I keep talking anyway. I want him to answer me. I need him to answer me. I know he can. I know he’s there. I can feel it. Just like how I can feel the tears running down my face. How I can feel my side aching from where the glass was. How I can feel my head throbbing and my chest starting to ache with an indescribable, awful pain that I’m not even sure is real. “Allie, I’m scared. I’m scared, Allie. Allie, where are you?”

I need to shut up.

My head is spinning. My chest hurts like hell, it really does now. My heart is pounding out of it, faster than I ever thought possible. For some reason, I’m laughing like  a goddamn maniac while I talk. Sobbing too. I can’t feel the bed under me anymore. Still, I keep talking. “A-Allie… Allie, help me! Please, Allie! Help me, please! Wh-Where are you, Allie?” Is that really my voice? It’s so goddamn shaky. It’s all raspy and weak. I swear to god, it doesn’t feel right. It feels like I’m whispering. Or maybe I might actually be yelling. I can sort of hear a lot of footsteps running up the stairs. Or maybe I’m not even talking at all. I can’t tell, goddamnit. 

I need to shut up.

My chest is starting to hurt so bad, I think it’s splitting open. My head hurts more- I feel nauseous, but not like I’m going to throw up. The room is spinning, but I’m standing still. Everything aches, and is useless when I try to move it. I’m freezing, but my entire body is burning- I feel like I’m being buried in a pit of hot sand. My heart stopped beating so damn fast, but my chest still hurts. I can’t feel my heart anymore- it’s like I don’t even have one at all. I’m scared, but also weirdly happy. I hear banging and screaming- I can’t understand what they’re yelling anymore. One more minute. Just one more minute, and… I think I’m going to hell. It’s getting dark. It feels like I’m falling, falling down, down, down…

“Allie… I’m falling… I’m falling, Allie… Why aren’t you coming to catch me?”

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi. Um. So I'm really nervous about this whole “sending people a vent anonymously” thing, but I've seen ppl so do this so so so much and I've written once to you before so I think this might be an okay place for me to kind of just live in. For a bit.

Okay, so I've always known that since forever, I'm open to dating anybody, no matter what's in their pants or what ever gender they identify as. If I like them, I like them. That's that. I mean I have a preference for boys I think but girls and enbys and everything else are totally my vibe, as long as I like them enough.

One time I had a crush on a boy (We'll call him Aj for short). I think I fell in love with him, even though my crush on him ended up being found out. (Which, all in all, was absolutely devastating.) Aj was this beautiful, funny, kind, and overall amazing boy that I deeply cared about and he was my bestest friend. He'd pretend to be characters from series (particularly Attack on Titan characters) and it'd be entertaining since he was quite good at it. Eventually I told my gbf (A, for lack of better name) that I liked him. And I think she told a girl who we'll call Al (who, coincidentally, liked Aj too). I don't know if it was her. I also told this girl who I'm naming E since she asked. I trusted her despite not knowing her well. One of them told him and after that it got out to my whole grade. I hated it but got over him fairly quick.

I think it's happening again. And I mean like I think I'm falling in love again?? With a boy we'll call B. He's really sweet, funny, pretty, and honestly quite cool. We bicker all the time and our classmates call it “couple fighting” which is something that neither of us comment on. I like B a lot.

Except that the idea of being with anybody makes me sick. I can't even imagine it. I can't see myself in a future with anybody and I don't know why. But also. The idea of being alone forever makes me feel weird. Not good, at least. I mean I know for a fact I don't want to marry or have kids, something I'm committed to. But I don't get why all my friends can see themselves with kids and married and a husband/wife and I just CAN'T.

Yet I still like B?? I mean, when I like Aj I could see myself staying with him, being loyal and all. Not married or having kids but I could see myself with him.

I don't get why nobody else feels like this and it makes me feel like I'm just the odd one in the group and that, being the outsider, makes me feel terrible because I've always tried to fit in and be friendly. (something, I've been told, that I'm not good at. I have anger issues so that doesn't really affect me but now it's making me upset)

And I rlly don't want to bring this up.

Dunno what to do. I'm completely lost.

Also you're probably going to ask when I wrote to you before and honestly idk what I wrote or if you responded to my specific ask. It was really similar to “drained anons” first paragraph but I'm honestly unsure. Dunno if you got it or not. I remember saying something about being scared of my mom, on good terms with my siblings, my transgender issues (feeling like a boy mostly and a girl other times), and also my friend A’s (gbf, here) mom issues and wanting to help A. I never said anything about pills or sh from what I remember. So I don't think I'm drained anon. I did say that you don't have to respond tho

Okay I think I'm rambling sorry I'm done this was all I needed to say lol byeee <3

Hi!!

There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting to be with someone, but not wanting to get married or have kids. I know plenty of people who feel this way.

I think when people are younger, they fantasize about marriage and having children because they might only think about the romanticized parts. But as you get older? Trust me, you will not be alone.

Also, I truly think, if you like B and B likes you, there's no reason why you shouldn't date. You're still in school, you don't have to talk about marriage and kids anytime soon. I would just talk about it if things get more serious.

But yeah- there's nothing wrong with your feelings, and you're definitely not alone.

I'm naming you commitment anon in case you write back.

[instructionsnotincluded]

urgh i’m sure you’re sick of hearing about it but i have no friends who watch obx and idk where else to channel my feelings 😭 I AM SO UPSET. I genuinely can’t believe they’ve done this, i was lulled into a false sense of security by the announcement for season 5 because i thought surely Rudy would hang on for one final season. I was so convinced rafe would die after his goodbye to sophia that i was distracted from the real danger (sidebar i hated that they build up that relationship just to end it in one sentence over a phone call, i really had hope after rafe telling her it was okay).

I wish they’d brought it to a close this season so badly and just given them a happy ending. The worst part is i was genuinely enjoying part 2 for the most part even with the crazy plot lines. I was hopeful we’d get some real resolution following JJs crash out with him facing up to his issues and talking it out, particularly with Kiara.

The lack of Jiara was genuinely so jarring and obvious i assumed it was intentional and would come to some sort of head wherein JJ would acknowledge how distant he had been and there would be some kind of emotional breakthrough/makeup for the couple but NO. like they really gave us nothing like the handshake when they parted ways had me screaming WHAT WAS THAT.

the death was so so badly done like obviously we would never be happy with JJs death but there were so many better ways around it, having him actively die protecting the pogues not just randomly being stabbed while standing around, having him actually get to say goodbye to them?! POPE NEVER GETTING TO SAY I LOVE YOU BACK?? and like why was he buried in the sand in fucking morocco that literally broke my heart like alone and to be forgotten and never visited in the fucking desert?? Im so angry i’ve been so excited for this season for the longest time and had so much hope based off part 1, i really felt like they’d been listening to the fans and giving us what we wanted in terms of season 1 vibes and i was so hyped to rewatch it all once i finished yesterday, but now the entire thing feels so tainted??

he suffered so much for absolutely nothing and no reason whatsoever. i feel i can’t even rewatch the parts of pt2 that i enjoyed again because they’re so tainted by the jarring energy between rudy and maddison now that i know it’s not part of the plot. it’s so glaringly obvious that none of this was planned, even if there’s some truth in them initially wanting JJ killed off there’s no way they would’ve followed through with it after seeing how much of a fan favourite he became. like they really gave bro an entire arc of suffering with no resolution other than him saving sarah then just killed him??

i feel so upset today idek what to do with myself, i can no longer enjoy any of my jj content without feeling so heartbroken. at least if they’d just had him leave or given him some form of resolution before his death the whole series wouldn’t feel so tainted… sorry for this insanely long ramble i just needed to offload this somewhere. thank god for people like you working harder than these god damn writers to produce actual good plots 😭💗

Never be sorry! We're all upset! I haven't seen any post or response defending the season, like I do really think everyone hated the ending and hated the way it went down. I've seen a lot about just wishing it had gone down different, not that he didn't die, but that it was for an actual reason. Which is a complaint I have about a lot of actual books. I'm not upset someone died, I'm just upset that it always feels pointless and makes the story feel like it should never have happened.

I was also lulled into the false sense of security with season five. I thought for sure it was because Rudy wanted to leave and they decided to give it a proper ending and not doing anything drastic with his character. Oh how I was wrong. My hope is that Rafe and Sofia are able to work through things in season five, and that they can get to a better place, because I do think they really love each other, and I do think they still do. But I guess we'll see if they force Kiara and Rafe together or not...

You can very much tell that there is a lot of tension between JJ and Kiara because there's a lot of tension between the actors. It was not hidden well at all, they barely interact with one another and if you haven't watched Season three or the first part of season four, you would never know they were supposed to be in love. If anything, it looked like they hated each other.

JJ's entire death scene and the scenes following were just piss poor. Everything about it was bad, and I think it's because everyone knew that this was going to be bad. Everyone knew this would end the show. They're literally watching and filming the end of this series and these stories and they couldn't do anything to make it better. I think it feels and looks so bad, because they felt the same way we do about it.

I'm upset too, it's been a trash week and it feels like the one thing we were looking forward to made it so much worse. It's ok to be upset, and it's ok to not want to see or read anything to do with the Pogues right now. Totally understandable. I felt the same way right after, like do I want to take a break from Audrey and JJ for a while? But I decided that JJ's still alive as long as we write him, as long as we love him, and I think we all deserve that.