#so the relationship has its problems
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chrollohearttags · 5 months ago
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I hate toxic relationship tropes but….i need sneaky link ace worse than oxygen atp
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p1ctur3 · 3 months ago
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@octdl-lee
Random captive TDL au lore dump and some behind the scenes stuff since you asked so nicely :]
Dark in captivity
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victim did use dark as a way to train and get the mercs and him used to the box
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victim and agent (i would probably explore their dynamic in this au also, mitsi would haunt this narrative because yes)
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some behind the scenes things
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additional art
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#alan becker#animator vs animation#ava#ava tdl#ava victim#captive tdl au#long tag warning#dark is going to have some dog/caged animal symbolism and machine symbolism#TDL is very much a problem captive also very annoying one at that#you can blame the high security one him since his constant escapes helped rocket corp to tighten their security#victim is definitely insane and he will do some incredibly messed up stuff in this au#the machinery on agent is supposed to look like it is slowly consuming him like some kind of infestation#agent has some issues as well and will be an enabler for victim#victim and agent's relationship will get some attention in this au but the main plot will still revolve around chosen and dark#chosen and dark's relationship is a lot more complex so i won't bother to summarise it all since i don't really want to spoil it#TSC will receive a bit of attention since he is still very much tied to the plot of ava#tsc does have a split personality like an alter ego that takes over when he is in danger#i dont think i would really touch on the colour gang since i think it would make the story too messy#i do have most of the story already planned out#it is just the part leading to the ending#every weapon and tech in rocket corp was tested on TDL#in a way he did help with the destruction of chosen by helping rocket corp to improve their tech by being their test subject#fulfilling his code in its own twisted way#btw the additional cage in his containment area is to temporarily hold him during the box maintainence or upgrades#it is also the same type of cage that TSC is kept in currently#the box prototype that TDL is in would probably have a different name like 'the cage'#the bars of the cage is electrically charged and it also resembles a dog cage (dog symbolism)#there won't be too much about dark during his captivity since it will be more about how it impacted the relationship between him and chosen#i would probably start posting more random lore bits every now and then between comics#i hope i stop getting side tracked when working on this au
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bitchfitch · 5 months ago
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I had a shrink appointment today and while I could not see it I knew my doc was going through the five stages of grief while I explained my fool proof strategy for doing my t shots despite a crippling fear of needles: By abusing my vastly more crippling fear of being an inconvenience.
My mother and I play phasmophobia together every week. she usually has a pretty limited time to do this bc she's like. a doctor and a college professor whos always busy. So I asked her to just. hold me to doing them. We don't start playing until the shot is done. so my needle fear doesn't matter because now it's Wasting™ her time and I have to do it quick. Using one neurosis to defeat another.
It's a horrible coping mechanism because it's feeding the inconvenience fear, but it is definitionally a coping mechanism.
#im a 'has a panic attack during every injection or iv theyve ever gotten' type of scared of needles#no it genuinely has nothing to do with pain the needle itself is the fear not the using of it#like i told this story before but i have these sewing pins with lil bow ties on them and i had to get my dad to take all the blue ones out#because they were triggering the same part of my brain iv needles do#just the sight of them with the rest of my cute sewing pins was a problem#And the fear of being an inconvenience is so bad i cant eat around people or be in crowded spaces or talk at get togethers#without being paralyzed by fear of Being In The Way. its so bad ive been avoiding using my power chair bc it makes me take up#slightly more space than i would just standing. and i never took my manual out and about because i moved too slowly in it#and i dont take my crutches on planes despite using them everyday bc they cant fold up like my cane can and so are In The Way#one of the big reasons i dont use the chairs in stores is they have back up alarms. and i hate making noises in public#Yes this is part of the reason i want a Rottweiler for my service dog because i want people to look at the doggie Not Me.#I like people! i like being friendly and talking and making little connections with strangers!!! But i cant be the one to initiate or#be In The Way of a peaceful moment#dont look at me#this is also a big issue i have with making friends or changing the nature of a relationship because like. im autistic#I have Rules for social interactions memorized that i will follow. but moving people from one category to another#is difficult. It is too the point i had problems for litteral years talking to my boyfriend as though#he was a person i knew well and cared deeply for because i kept using the 'rando guy im flirting with on the Internet' script#I have commissioners i want to be friendlier with but my brain says No Stop that is an Impolite and Overly informal way to talk to#a customer™ despite them not being customers when they arnt in the commission process#im like thise huskies who are scared of carpet because its Different than the floor they're currently standing on#its Too different:(#and to be clear i am Completely aware of how none of this makes logical sense and is in fact deeply self destructive#That does not fix it. it is so ingrained in my head that im certain i could convince my brain to let me bite off my own fingers#before i could convince it to let me talk to someone at a help desk or ask my order be corrected at a restaurant
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yarrowleef-babbles · 1 month ago
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been hearing rumors that the "i'm always straight" lines may have been cut from the GN and IF that is true, I expect everyone will be super mad about that--and ngl i'd mourn the loss of it too because it has become iconic to me
But. i can't believe i'm playing devils advocate for this, BUT it is not entirely unreasonable for an adaptation of this work to decide it does not want to reference Ronan's sexuality yet......coming to terms with his sexuality is (one) part of his arc in the 2nd book. Adam Parrish being ~the 2nd secret he doesn't want to admit to himself~ , Ronan's catholic guilt homoerotic nightmares and the like, all characterize his sexuality as something he might vaguely be aware of but seriously struggles to openly admit. I don't think he even uses the word gay or any other word to describe himself in the whole series? (unless I'm forgetting something?)
So, idk, it's not unreasonable to want the (hypothetical) audience to also not be aware of it until Ronan is forced to directly grapple with his identity next book.
i think this is one of those things that has become very dear to the fandom over time, but if i look at it objectively without my feelings, i just.....i do understand why someone could conceivably decide that this off-handed bitchy "he's gay btw" joke is not of dire importance for the sanctity of the story 😭 in the 'pros don't outweigh the cons' sort of way....
#like..#in context of TRB it has some plausible deniability as just a teenage boy standard 'your gay' joke#but coming from adam#someone not characterized as immature in the typical way#it can read like a genuine observation (it did to ME when I read the book the first time and I didnt even know ahead of time which/if any-#were gay) its an observation that he IS being bitchy about rn but only bc ronan was just being bitchy to blue#and like. it comes off differently from adam because he is also not straight (but idk if ronan knows that so who knows how he took it)#wish we had his pov for that moment tbh#it is my personal head canon that Ronan lynch has never officially 'come out' to anyone#'coming out' has way too much of an emotionally vulnerable connotation to it. and i think all of these teen boys would rather die-#-than be even a little emotionally sincere on purpose. td3 said ronan thinks hes the only queer person at his school mind you#and with all the catholic guilt he has about it?? i dont think he is secure enough to openly talk about it#i always imagined Adam and /probably/ gansey have had to put two-and-two together over time on their own#any time the topic of girls or dating casually comes up i imagine ronan glaring into the distance / avoiding the question /changing subject#b/c he does not want to lie but he does not want to say anything else either so he says nothing#and his silence is so loud that his friends just. make some natural guesses#i think THAT would be his only plausible method of 'coming out'#ronan's sexuality is other peoples problem he is sure af not going to talk about it. that feels the most in character to me#(at least at this stage in his life-- while he's an insecure teenager)#yarrow reads trc 2.0#yarrow reads trc#the raven cycle#the raven cycle graphic novel#forgive me i am not like. invalidating whatever deeply personal relationship someone may have with 'thats the biggest lie you ever told'#its just my onion i swear its not some kind of 'gotcha'#i was really surprised by the extreme emotional attachment so many people apparently have with 'hey tiger'#a line i would've assumed was changed for no reason deeper than just 'sounding kind of awkward and unnatural'#but the dissertations ive read on it in the past couple days..apparently i underestimate the emotional toll of any given quote in this book#i dont envy anyone who tries to adapt it lmao
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tacagen · 1 year ago
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one of the things that fascinate me about thawne: yes, he CAN be normal with kids! surprisingly normal!
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((not at all times, though. his mental illness still spills through and as usual he, in trying to manipulate or hurt others, spits out at them the exact stuff that would hurt him (or have in his childhood/barry's rejection interpretation) the most in the first place lmao))
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but at the same time. his like second instinct when doing his bullshit is FUCK THEM (as) KIDS
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(and, well. whatever this classifies as)
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#whats wrong with him. seriously. he loves picking fights with literal children So Much#AND NONE OF THEM WITH WALLY ON THE MATTER OF BEING THE BIGGEST FLASH FAN. HOW DID THAT NEVER HAPPEN#about the middle page. honestly i DIDNT remember he is a Jerk in that way too until i checked his interactions with bart for this post#this man officially should not be allowed near children as a mentor.#just straight up drops ALL his insecurities on a poor kid in trying to make him feel ashamed. NO breaking the abuse cycle for this bad boy#the only thing he doesnt say is the direct 'you are a disappointment' altho the message is still the same 💀💀💀💀💀💀#AND I BET HES HELLA PROUD OF THAT. I MEAN CONSIDERING THIS FACT IG HE DOES TRY TO BE BETTER THAN HIS PARENTS. SOMEWHAT.#and omg he formulates his point like in problem based learning (leading the child to making the correct conclusion themselves)#im dying. professor to the fucking core.#and the way he feels the need to bring up flash facts in his appeal?? EO YOURE SO HOPELESS. THIS IS 100% HOW BART SAW HIM THROUGH#and god knows what he told thad promising to get him out of the speed force if he fought barry there and whether he was going to fulfill it#and do you even IMAGINE how FUCKED barry's mental condition would be growing up if thawne fulfilled his button threat#and i really REALLY wonder about the tornado twins and their relationship with 'uncle eobard' but that will be a separate post#he doesnt know any other way tho. and he might be actually mad at bart for not supporting his every action as The Flash#like. he tries to play family but the second they question he just goes WHATEVER. I DONT NEED IT. FLASH OF MY VISION RUNS ALONE#his problem is that he just wants attention. he doesnt see family/heroing for what 'its really about' or downsides that may come with them#everything is so idealized in his head. and the moment he faces reality with its complications the concept immediately gets antagonized.#and then he reconsiders and changes the conditions but fails each time never realizing the problem is his mindset and not everything else#black white at its finest yall#and man. RELATABLE.#also WHY is he standing LIKE A STATUE when appearing in front of bart????😭😭😭😭#poor museum rat has no idea what heroes in real life stand like#eobard thawne#professor zoom#reverse flash#the reverse flash#bart allen#the flash#dc
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pespillo · 6 months ago
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he opens up about a crush and instead of being talked outta it it takes a turn
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lesbiansforeddiediaz · 4 months ago
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Where my Eddie meta differs from the popular fanon is I don't think all his problems are because he's gay and I don't think kissing a man would heal him or really benefit him much at all. (He is gay but that's not important right now)
#adding the last line so people dont think this is a straight eddie post#people like to go on about repression but the thing is i dont think hes repressing being gay#i think he genuinely doesnt know#buck 🤝 eddie thinking everyone checks out men#whether he is gay or bi or whatever he clearly believes he is attracted to women and is trying in his relationships#and is confused when they dont work out#obviously his gayest relationship/breakup was ana because they were going to d- shot by fox snipers#but to him he just saw it as him losing attraction#(there is gay meta you could do here with his reaction to that being to just stick it out and his only other real relationship at that point#having been with shannon the mother of his child)#yet for some reason people seem to have decided he knows hes gay and is stringing women along??#if eddie knew he was gay i really believe he would not date#and also he would already be with buck but this aint about him#anyway my main thing is eddie has a lot of problems and torments but i dont think being gay is one of them#and even if he knew he was gay that would not help much in this scenario besides being with his soulmate#which would heal him in many ways#but the chris and his parents problems would still be there#and kissing a random man or being with a random man would do nothing for him#buck had to realize that while it was important to realize he was bi it also didnt heal him#i dont think eddie would even have that i really think he would just go oh okay well anyway#im rambling its not even 9am but back to the repression repressing it would require him to know it and i dont think he does#and argument could be made for him repressing his love for buck but i dont think thats exactly it either#i might make a another post more about that so im going to hold that thought#but eddie is typically very self aware so maybe thats soke of where the idea comes from but in line with that self awareness#i dont think he would date women or say hes straight if he was aware he was gay even if it was something he was repressing#(i also dont really think he would repress being gay if he did know)#eddie diaz#original txt.
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pleasedontcareaboutme · 9 months ago
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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devotedlystrangewizard · 4 months ago
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my friend and i have a little joke thats the "law of yuri" where i analyse the quality of hoyoverse story arcs based on how much yuri potential/bait/implications they have. this is not to be taken seriously but it IS funny and accurate
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dungeon-master-mike · 27 days ago
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i hate how people are unwilling to accept flaws in the st relationships (platonic/romantic/familial). a lot of people act like all of it is sunshine and rainbows it annoys me. i read so much stuff and i'm just. are we watching the same show
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freakinator · 8 months ago
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i think the thing about kab that frustrates me the most is that she seems to think shes a lot more helpless than she actually is, always looking for someone to help solve her problems for her even when shes fully capable of doing things on her own but she just doesnt believe she does
first and foremost is clown: why is her go to solution always clown?? mfer hasnt even logged on in months and most likely will not log on until he finishes elden ring which will surely take a while and thats not even mentioning the fact that they arent teammates -- seemingly a moot point considering how close they are but a declaration of intent to team is important on lifesteal cause it essentially signals to the other person "i'll be there for you" and is a big reason why betrayals hurt so damn much because trust is a rare commodity that essentially got stomped on, the fact that clown wont even do that tells me that he feels no obligation to her and its fair to assume that he'll act accordingly. kab seems to think hes reliable and will always be there for her which is fair cause he has been in the past but the thing is he isnt right now, she cant rely on him cause he just simply wont be there for her -- if he was then he wouldve killed mane by now
second is hannah: i'll admit that out of everyone on the server hannah is probably who kab can rely on the most right now and yet despite that hannah 1. has not logged on in a while and 2. prioritizes her own safety over kab's, to the point of essentially abandoning her and taking red's side when team mice had a fallout so despite being one of the two if not the only person who would throw everything away to help kab out, at the end of the day shes only as reliable as her survival instincts would let her be
third is zam: to put it as bluntly as possible, zam has never and will never prioritize kab. his main and only priority is the server itself esp spawn, the only reason he goes out of his way to assist helpless players is cause he wants to keep the server functional and leaving the weaker players who arent willing or arent able to fight back for dead basically ensures that all conflict will eventually stagnate and therefore leaving the server in a state of decay. his oath is not and has never been an arbiter of morality, its more akin to stewardship rather than justice therefore regular conflict such as grudge kills are far too trivial and most importantly normal and necessary for the server to keep functioning and will never make him go out of his way for her. sure she can ask for gear, thats something that he prides himself on and he can be rather generous esp if hes got a surplus of material, but he will never solve her problems for her unless the source of her conflict affects the server itself such as when mane escalated from hunting kab down repeatedly to becoming the main spawn griefer
she needs to learn to be more independent, to take responsibility, to not rely on other ppl so much esp if there isnt mutual trust and willingness to defend each other between them. she can ask for help of course but she cant solely rely on assistance to help solve her conflicts on the server and with her karma thing going on, how does she expect to fulfill all that if she cant even stand on her own feet without a crutch? like its one thing if it was a whole team but shes the sole arbiter, how is she meant to enact revenge for the whole server if she cant even solve her own problems? how is she meant to face off against some of the best pvpers on the server (who dont hesitate to kill weaker players btw) if she cant even spill blood on her own? she can make traps but is she willing to? over and over again? can she deal with the consequences of being a hunter? cause shes not getting off of this scot-free regardless of how morally good her actions are
#analysis#kab#like. idk. i think shes grown far too used to relying on clown for everything and now shes trying to find a substitute now that hes#not here to kill all the problems that she cant lie and manipulate out of for her#like i can understand her being biased towards clown#and honestly i think its funny that its a big part of the reason why all her relationships are crumbling#but the fact that her first solution to complicated/more difficult problems is to get clown??? girl...#it baffles her to see devotions not want to rely on clown cause shes too used to using him as her first resort when things go badly#she thinks its a pride thing and it is but like whats wrong in not wanting help that you dont need?#if someone else is just gonna go and settle all your conflicts for you then whats even the point of logging on in a server like lifesteal??#shes used to arena smps so i suppose she thinks its a viable all around strategy but its really not#not in a server with no real win conditions that you wanna do things in anyway#and devotions do want to do things and they cant do that if clown is doing all the things for them#but i suppose she doesnt see it that way; i suppose she sees him as a safety blanket; one of the few things that she has going for her#but clown *isnt* a safety blanket; hes his own person with his own priorities and wants and needs and he cant always be there for her#esp not rn when hes on his elden ring arc lmao#the only person she and anyone else truly has is themself#like not even devotionduo is there for each other all the time and they love dropping everything to help the other out#but i suppose thats the difference between devotions and killer bunnies#devotions dont see the other as a safety blanket; never have and never will#mine.txt#my posts
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majimaisms · 4 months ago
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i think my biggest problem with the pirate game is majima's absolutely unhinged emotional sheltering being presented as like. a good and healthy and normal thing. which. like. i SUPPOSE the only acceptable situation to do that in is with a child youre responsible for. but its still not acknowledged at all that its unhealthy..? but then again this is how kiryu saga has been for years too. youre just supposed to look at it and know better. they dont really spell it out. at least they didnt until infinite wealth
#its just like. these guys are making the best of a really bad situation#the really bad situation is. themselves#it was i think more obvious with kiryu because his life was ruined over it#and so was majimas but we didnt See majimas life in those games#so it feels like. the game is kind of. approaching majimas coping mechanisms uncritically...?#sure theres lessons to be learned from that but its like. not something to try and emulate#there IS stuff that is genuinely like. good. and healthy. and that i appreciate the writers for presenting in the way they did#especially the stuff with how. you can and WILL make mistakes. you will fuck up beyond your wildest dreams#and sometimes the consequences will be irreversible. but its never too late to start doing the right thing#majima does have a really good grasp of this. he always has its one of his biggest strengths#but his codependent relationship with kiryu IS like. actively ruining his life and his relationship with saejima#and he just does it all over again with noah. except its kinda warranted this time because it is an actual kid#but are we supposed to look at it and go aww. thats so nice of him#like. majima. you are not normal#tbf the stuff with saejima does make me think they are aware of this and want us to be aware of this. its just not the tone they wanted to#take with this game#i guess i wouldve preferred an infinite wealth style deconstruction of majima and his coping mechanisms#but its also SO majima to do. All Of This instead of. actually facing his problems#like hes stillllll running#thats the point#and saejima knows this. hes made peace with it#yapping#majima gaiden
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gifti3 · 23 days ago
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actually still not over how i reacted when finding out G was married lol
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viridian-house · 1 month ago
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remembering the time I asked my ex to please make some distance between himself & my bestie because of remarks he'd made to me about her body and his response was to get home, sit on the sofa and fold his hands, and look at me and say "since you're thinking I'm cheating on you, I can only assume this means you're projecting your own guilt onto me and you're the one cheating. I'd like to look through your phone now."
and guess who ended up being the one cheating 🥲
#he has Problems™️ with me labeling him as a cheater with my friends and family which. uhhhh. yes im aware that was an attempt to isolate me#and control the narrative so no one views him as a scumbag. but like. maybe dont do scumbag shit??#and in addition he says 'were we together when i developed feelings for her?' and forced me to say either Yes or No when. um!#its not a Yes/No type of question. we were working under the goal of making our relationship work. it's a nuanced situation where i did feel#emotionally stepped out on. and in any case he breaks up with me and immediately begins staying the night at her apt so literally what even#is the difference at that point?#we had a Grown Person relationship we have a mortgage we own our cars i supported him through hardships and we were planning on marriage#and its like. for him to have been in the headspace at ALL to develop feelings for another person is so hurtful. i can understand physical#i wouldn't excuse it but i can understand it. but falling in love? when i was a damned good partner to you?#sorry y'all i just. ummm. feel so trapped and afraid. i cannot believe the level of trauma his lack of empathy/compassion in the breakup has#put within me. it feels like no matter how much effort i put into trying to heal....nothing in my heart budges. the damage to my self esteem#is so profound that i honestly cant even picture the scope of it.#all the steps i took in therapy and things i did to lower my stress last year feel so useless against the fact that the man i thought id be#with for the rest of my life chose someone else over sticking it out with me. he chose the easier option. and i cannot fucking move on#anyway sorry for tag rambling i literally. feel so much guilt around venting to friends because of how he reacts to it#and because he snooped through my phone POST BREAKUP and i never know when he'll do it again#this is hell. how can this be the same man who said he wants to be friends with me?#personal
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opens-up-4-nobody · 11 months ago
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...
#not to vague abt a particular niche of a fandom no one cares about BUT im losing my mind a bit#bc there's a ship that literally got me so invested that i read fanfiction for the 1st time. i adore them so much#i think their canon relationship is so fucking lovely and its bullshit what happened to them. if u kno u kno.#but now i go to ao3 and try to find fics and im like... yo y do these all fucking suck?#like i get it. no one has given a fuck abt this fandom since like the 2010s but i mean ive read lots of way better fics for waaaay#tinier fandoms. i guess thoses ppl just cared way more. no one gives enough of a fuck to write a good fic for these 2.#ugh. im probably just being a bitch. like is it bc its a heterosexual ship? is the bar really so low for writing straight relationships that#they have to b so fucking boring immediately???? like what the fuck is happening. i feel like im losing my mind#wheres the passion? where the dedication? wheres the willingness to die for eachother and fight side by side?#its all boring bullshit or weird self insert feeling smut. or maybe its me. maybe im the problem bc i refuse to read the fics that have#adultery and divorce in them bc im so in denial abt the ending of bleach that i cannot stand to even look at#the canon endgame ships. it makes me to angry. so yea maybe im the problem#i jus6 don't understand it. its the same for narut0 x s4suke fics. like????#did we watch the same show??? why tf r u writing them so weird and boring and wrong????#that one i them im right abt bc others have confirmed it. but idk abt these 2. my fucking original otp is cursed to toil away in bad#fanfiction. or maybe all the good fics r on ff dot net. but fuck if im gonna wade thru that hellsite#anyway. this is what u get when u get invested in terrible anime. i mean with peace and love it is my nostalgia show but like u kno#unrelated
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nexus-nebulae · 4 months ago
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so. for A Long While now we've considered officially pursuing converting to judaism. and we've finally really started the whole research process and getting familiarized with the religion and everything and. does anyone have tips on how to feel comfortable in a new religion when you've been so harmed by specific religious groups in the past (especially when the religion you have bad history with is so close to the one you're converting to, like being another abrahamic religion)
#its. um#we tried like. a sort of prayer (more like begging) today. and didn't realise how much the idea of speaking to. a higher power#scares us so bad we couldn't stop crying through the whole thing#i think it's partially mixed feelings about the evangelical town i grew up in#and then extremely mixed feelings about my rejection of the version of g-d that town taught me#and feeling like my life has been cursed because when i was 8 i said I'd stop believing in g-d because i wasn't getting any help#with things like being ostracized from my peers and always always getting sicker by the year#and since then both those problems have gotten way worse so. idk#im just scared. as a child i was taught that g-d should be feared not loved. it felt like the relationship i had with my biodad#that acting incorrectly in any minor way deserves severe punishment#and any suffering you endure is clearly a sign of your wickedness#and i just want to know that this g-d i turn to now. is not like that. is not vindictive and cruel and scary to think about#i need a religion that doesn't make me consider i have ocd even more. i need comforting arms to run to. i need light and faith#and i feel drawn to judaism in a way i can't explain#but i know if i fail this process in some way. if i get rejected. if i Do It Wrong somehow#it will feel like a part of my soul has been torn out. so I'm scared to really truly start because What If. What If. What If. yknow#i just want to know i wasn't truly cursed for being a child in pain. and that that won't be a black mark on my soul forever#idk#i also don't know what tags to use for this so uh#please let me know if i need to add anything#I'm sorry if i trigger anyone without warning it is not my intention i just never know how Actually Bad my past. is. until i need a tw
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