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writingonleaves · 1 year ago

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were you sent by someone who wanted me dead? (did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?) - jeremy swayman

pairing: jeremy swayman x original female character

warnings: swearing, pretty angsty. hopeful ish ending because i can't do sad endings, very personal but i think many can relate in their own way, cliche ish, barely proofread

inspired by + title: "the smallest man who ever lived" by taylor swift

word count: 5.6k

author's note: i'd argue almost every piece any author writes is personal, because it has their life interspersed through the words. but this one really is, because a majority of this is the exact same words i wrote years ago after a break-up. heard the bridge to this song and immediately knew i had to write something inspired by it. also trying a new format of sorts (maybe a bit meta??), so i hope you enjoy and lmk what you think!!

~*~*~

When Noelle Betsko walked away from Jeremy Swayman, holding back tears until the call dropped, she knew it was going to be a tough time for the foreseeable future.

It didn’t matter that the pandemic had forced them apart. She knew she would still feel him for months to come.

She did the only thing she knows how to do when trying to deal with things. The one thing she always resorts to as an aspiring novelist. Sometimes on her laptop when the words were spilling out too quickly for her brain to catch up, tears littering the keyboard. Usually in her old beat-up journal, scribbling in the cursive that Jeremy claimed he always loved (“It makes your handwriting unique”) with the pens he had gifted her just a few months prior.

At the age of 21, Noelle got her heart broken for the first time. At the age of 26, she’s about to publish her first poetry collection of sorts, all of the poems modeled after journal entries written throughout her life. So not really poetry, though her mother would say otherwise.

She swallows as she thumbs through the middle part of the first known and binded copy of “miscellaneous.” There are only eight entries in the whole collection that are taken verbatim from her past writing. These are the eight.

May 13, 2020 (three days post-breakup, crying in my childhood bedroom)

I don’t even recognize who I was and who you were in those writings before these pages filled with love and hope and happiness. I can’t even summon up those feelings anymore that I knew existed at one point. Those feelings of complete bliss and love for someone so deep you can’t explain it.

I’m mad at myself for not being able to conjure those feelings, because at one point, I did love you. How could something that was part of my daily life for over two years just disappear so quickly?

But now, I’m not mad at myself. I’m mad, but I don’t know where to direct that anger to. I feel a bit empty sometimes, but then frustrated the next. Sometimes I get sad, but not so much compared to the other feelings. I spent enough time being sad during our relationship.

When we broke up, on an annoyingly beautiful Tuesday in May — over the damn phone, mind you, which whatever, it’s COVID. Fine — You told me you felt like you had been putting more effort into us.

At the time, I didn’t react, but I’ve been thinking about how angry that statement made me. Makes me, actually. I was always very open with how much I gave to that relationship. How much it meant to me. How much it affected me. But I understand that with some people, sharing everything too much equates to things not meaning anything anymore. But you out of all people should’ve known that I mean everything I say.

I felt like I gave so much. I know I gave so much. When I told you I loved you, I always meant it. Every single time. When I told you I missed you, I always meant it. I wished you were right next to me at that moment. I mentally gave so much, because to me, I wanted to. You were always on my mind, always high up on my list of priorities. I never took us for granted.

I’ve been questioning if that was the same for you. Did you start becoming complacent?

The second thing you said that day that hasn’t left my head is that you knew me pretty well. And initially, I remember not thinking much of it. So I don’t doubt that; you always knew right when I was about to cry, even over the phone. You often knew when I was mad or upset, but when I look back now, you never pushed. Which is a good thing, to an extent. But it was a bad thing sometimes too. I knew you often wanted to give me space, but sometimes I didn’t want space. I wanted you to push. To try to understand. Maybe that’s unfair of me; it probably is. I should just say I want to talk about it more, right?

But if you genuinely knew me, you would’ve known.

After two years, seven months and 12 days, I still feel like I didn’t know you. Did I ever know you at all?

When people talked shit about you, I always defended you. And I still would defend you now. But lately, I've questioned what I’m even defending. All those good qualities that I thought you had, were they even real? Of course, I know some of them were, to a certain extent. But as I look back on us, there’s a lot of doubt about whether I even knew the person I called my boyfriend for so long. I know there was a point where you cared about me, but I can’t remember when.

I often felt like I was letting you know so much about my life, but you didn’t do the same. I get that sometimes a person just wants to forget about the bad and focus on the good with a person you like for awhile. I get that. But once that was happening every damn time? That should’ve been a red flag.

June 7, 2020 (twenty eight days post break-up, outside my childhood room on the deck)

I don’t understand how you can give so much to something or someone and have it not be recognized or appreciated or enough. If I wasn’t enough for you, how will I be enough for anyone?

I hope one day you’ll truly understand how much this hurt. Not just the breakup, but feeling like I was always being pulled in a direction I didn’t always want to be pulled in. Feeling I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and never ever being able to win. I hate that I settled so much in the last year. Because I should’ve demanded more, even though deep down I knew you were never going to be able to give it to me.

I think back to our past daily texts, and I just don’t get it. At one point, we both meant the things we said to each other.

Yet we still hurt each other.

This fucking hurts.

You’ve hurt me so much, but most of it wasn’t intentional, which I think is somewhat even worse. Because I’m not totally mad at you for causing the pain. You never did anything outright to cause me pain, but I still feel like you did.

Unintentional pain almost stings more than intentional.

When I asked you out that night after we were both on an emotional high, I took a chance. For once in my life, I took the leap, knowing that I could get humiliated or hurt or just straight up shot down.

Where did it all go wrong? Or, more realistically, how did we think that we could go through the wrong when it was there at the start?

I’m trying not to blame myself too much. Trying not to tell myself that I should’ve known better.

All those times, especially at the start, when I would ask you if you genuinely liked me, you always thought I was just trying to be annoying. But you never understood that I genuinely thought that way. My self confidence from the start was lacking, and you didn’t try to understand that, because I come across to everyone as confident and self-assured.

It hurt, when you would brush things off like that. I felt like you didn’t care.

And then, it got to the point where I stopped asking that question. Part of that is because I did become more confident and you did show that you cared, and part of that was because I knew it would piss you off.

The amount of things I was scared to talk about with you because I knew it would piss you off? I don’t wish that feeling on anybody.

I shouldn’t have been scared. I shouldn’t have been uncomfortable. But I was. And if you did notice like sometimes you claimed to, why didn’t you make it more comfortable for me? Was that too much to ask for?

So larger than life that at the end, you faded into just the smallest man who ever lived. Fuck you.

Was it too much to ask for when I just wanted to know why you were upset? You didn’t have to ever tell me the full story (lord knows there were times I didn’t), but was it too much to ask for something? You told me once that I’m the person you’ve told the most to. How? You barely told me anything. And when I wanted to talk to you, whether it was about growing up in Alaska or why you were in a bad mood last night, you always brushed it off. Always.

So I don’t feel so bad about feeling like I gave more effort. I gave so much of myself to you. If you really cared about me like you claimed you did, why couldn’t you show even just 1% of that care back? Or just meet me in the middle?

I could’ve tried harder to meet you in the middle, I’ll admit that. But you didn’t even give me a map or a clue how to.

I felt so fucking left in the dark. I felt left in the dark about my own fucking relationship, something that I should be completely sure about. If you really love someone and care about them, how can you leave them in the dark? How could you not even see that I was struggling to find a flashlight?

You did care about me. I know that. To some extent and at some point in time, you did care about me. But caring about someone and their well-being isn’t always enough.

Why couldn’t you have worked with me? When I was extending my hand out, why didn’t you reach for it? How can someone just be so blind? I mean, I’m practically always spelling it out for you.

Maybe I am being selfish. But fuck, I just wanted to be happy. At some point, you made me happy. When did I start making you feel like I wasn’t enough? Why wasn’t I enough for you?

It’s useless, in a way, to keep going about this. Because I know I deserve better. And we’ll both find people who are better for us. We just couldn’t be that person to each other.

I fucking loved you.

I wish it ended differently.

July 8, 2020 (fifty nine days post-breakup, in front of the lake)

I really really fucking miss you.

I do.

I miss being able to text you that i love you and not necessarily expecting a response until the next morning. I miss knowing that as soon as you wake up, you’ll text me back and assure me that yeah, you love me too.

I’m left feeling bittersweet as I look back on memories that are just splashes and not definite strokes on the canvas that used to be us.

I miss having you as a friend.

I’ve been having more urges lately to want to text you. And it isn’t even anything important. Just moments I experience throughout the day.

Do you get the urge to do the same?

July 19, 2020 (seventy days post-breakup, still in the same damn house)

It’s hard. It really is. And it kinda just hits you at random parts of the day. Sometimes I wake up from a dream that you were in and have to remind myself that it didn’t happen.

Sometimes it physically aches when I realize that you won’t ever help me put on my jacket again, or complain that my hair is in your face when we’re lying on the couch watching Brooklyn Nine Nine, or groan when I drag you up to dance with me (which you never improved on, no matter how many times I tried to teach you basic rhythm). I can’t view our song the same way anymore, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.

The other day, I read some simple thing on Twitter. I don’t even remember what it was, but I do remember that for a split second, I could see your smile in my mind. But it wasn’t just any smile. It was the smile you gave me when you took me ice skating that first time. I remember asking you what you were smiling at, and you said that you just were taking in this moment. I don’t know if you took a mental picture that day, but I know I did. That day seems so long ago now.

In almost anything I do, you somehow pop into my mind or into the conversation. And it’s not even in a harmful way either. It’s because you were part of my life for so long. I see a dog on the street, and it reminds me of how you always stopped to pet every single one we’s see I write something in my messy handwriting, and I remember how you always used to complain that you couldn’t read the notes I’d occasionally leave around your place when you went away. I went to the doctor’s the other day, and they said I was 5 feet and 3 inches, which is just definitely not true, and I almost reached for my phone to text you, because you would’ve cackled and insisted that no, I’m 5 feet 2 inches and it wouldn’t even matter because I’ll always be shorter than you. It’s simple and minute things that make me miss you that much more.

I still can’t listen to some songs the same way anymore, but I can at least listen to them now, which is a feat in itself. I was unpacking from college and found the teddy bear you sent me the first extended time we had to be apart and had to immediately put that out of my sight. From those boxes also came photos that I had decorated my dorm room with, and to be honest, I’m glad now that I let you keep our best one. I deal with all my emotions, besides writing, by making Spotify playlists, and I made a new one earlier this week. I think it’s helping. It’s a slow process, this whole moving on thing, but it’s one that I’m trying to be grateful for, because like most things in life, you just don’t truly know until you go through it.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering how you are and how you’re healing. But, even though we’ve both changed since the day we met, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you’re incredibly strong and stubborn. I hope that you’re finding some growth in this process too.

October 17, 2020 (one hundred fifty seven days post-break up, apartment in orono)

It’s been almost 5 months, and you still cross my mind everyday.

Why wasn’t I enough for you? Why didn’t you fucking tell me what you were thinking? Why was I the one who had to approach you just because I was just so done with the silent treatment?

But I’m not mad at you. Not anymore. The mad phase passed ages ago.

Closure is a fake word. Even a breakup as mutual and smooth as ours was still left me with so many questions that will probably never be answered.

Any breakup fucks you up to some extent. I knew it was going to mess me up even back when we were together. But not like this. Never like this.

But like anything in life, I guess you can never really prepare for what you think you might feel, because most of the time, you discover a whole new side of you that you never thought existed.

I don’t miss you. I don’t. I don’t feel that love in any way anymore.

But I did once.

You did too, right?

November 15, 2020 (one hundred eighty six days post break-up, fogler library)

I hate Halloween.

Though, it did bring me to you three years ago. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you right then and there.

Three years later, you texted me on Halloween, five months after our breakup. The universe really, really wanted to fuck with me.

It was a tough night for you. I knew that. Because I know how you are after losing a game you should’ve won. But that didn’t mean that I owed you anything and had to respond.

We agreed on no contact if we ever wanted to stay friends. Clearly, friends is out of the picture now, but come on. A vulnerable text after a bad night because you know I would feel bad for you?

Fuck, you know how much I would hate that. You had to have known.

Just because we’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean that everything about you just disappears. I still know your tendencies. I still know exactly how my head burrows into your chest during a hug. I still know the actions I used to do that would be followed by you attacking me with a hug. I still could point you out in a crowd.

I looked for you in every crowd for years.

That stuff doesn’t just go away, no matter how much I want it to. But fuck. Fuck. Why did you text me?

I don’t regret how I handled it. I probably would’ve responded months ago. But just like you, I’ve grown these last couple of months.

It was comforting, for a split second, to know that maybe, just maybe, these past couple of months have been hard for you too. It makes me feel human. It makes me feel like I’m not crazy.

I’m glad you texted me. You gave me another level of closure I hadn’t known that I needed until then.

But fuck, dude. You know me better than that. You should know me better than that.

I hate Halloween.

November 26, 2020 (one hundred ninety seven days, at the coffee shop i brought you to when you came home with me two years ago)

I don’t regret loving you, but I hate you for what you did to me.

Or maybe not.

I hate knowing that even though we haven’t been in a relationship in a bit, it feels like sometimes, you’re on my mind the exact same amount when we were dating. I hate knowing that I gave so much of myself and my love to you, and it always felt unrecognized.

Fuck, will it ever stop hurting? Will I ever be able to have to stop myself from thinking about you? Will it ever stop?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Happy birthday. I hope you enjoy it.

June 12, 2021 (three hundred ninety five days post-break up, in boston, visiting a friend)

Tonight, when a friend asked me about you and how I felt about how we ended, I was able to articulate my thoughts clearly. I’m really proud of myself for getting to a point where I can take the lessons I learned the few months after we broke up and acknowledge them in a succinct way without breaking down into tears. Just watery eyes and the occasional voice crack

I’m also proud that I can say that when we were dating, I lost a bit of myself. For months, it was really hard to admit out loud.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come. Sometimes, I wish I could call or text you about it, because I think you’d be proud too. And I know I’d be proud of you. I am, to be honest. I do break resolve once in awhile and check on you through various avenues.

I still haven’t seen you in person since the last time COVID made us say goodbye. Maybe I never will again. But day by day, I’m starting to accept that and be okay with it. I’m accepting that memories that used to be so painted in my mind are blurry or almost completely erased now. But that’s okay. Honestly, it’s probably for the best.

I wonder, when you think about it, if you think about different moments that I do. That’s the thing when something ends. You have to be okay with letting go of those moments and realizing that just because you forget them, doesn’t mean they weren’t important.

I don’t think I miss you. I hesitate in saying that. Because I’ve moved on and handled the aftermath of it better than I think both of us ever thought I could. When you hung up the phone for the last time, I proved to myself again that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I think we all are. But we don’t realize it until we’re thrown into a situation that we think we’ll never be able to overcome.

But we do. Whether it’s because we’re forced to because there’s no other option, it doesn’t matter. Because we get through. We move on.

I hope you're moving on.

And then it goes into other topics, graduating during a pandemic specifically and losing what’s supposed to be your last year of no responsibilities before adulthood. There are other poems in here that reference a past relationship, but not as much as these eight.

If there’s one thing that Noelle did change, it was taking out the details. Jeremy may have hurt her, but he doesn’t deserve someone possibly making a connection between these poems and their shared background. She’s not a famous author by any means, but she wanted to be careful.

Not that she makes that part of her life publicly known. People don’t need to know that her brother was Jeremy’s captain for two years at Maine and that’s how they met.

Noelle grew up going to rinks. She hasn’t gone to one since they broke up.

But also, what the fuck? It’s been five years since she’s dated the guy. She really is over it by now, even if his rise to stardom in the Bruins flittering on her social media feeds still sometimes has her swallowing a bit before she can continue with her day.

Brooklyn is far enough from Boston. But sometimes it feels like it’s right outside her door.

She’s proud of her first published work. She really is. People believed in her and after numerous notes swapped back and forth with her editor, she did it. She always knew she wanted to work in publishing. She never knew she herself would publish anything.

And here she is now, two weeks after the book release, in Boston, about to do a q&a and a signing. Apparently, “miscellaneous” has been on top of numerous lists and it’s flying off the shelves. Noelle can’t really believe it and tries not to think about it too much, trusting her agent with all of that.

She’s happy to talk about her work and process though. That she can handle. And she’s grateful for all the love.

After a signing at a local bookstore, she decides to walk the 20 minutes home in the Boston fall. It’s a bit brisk, but she doesn’t mind and she just wanders, belly filled with delicious sushi she inhaled for dinner with an old friend.

Of course it happens the one time during her walk when she doesn’t avoid eye contact with someone. The song playing in her earbuds fade out of her focus and she almost stumbles.

Jeremy’s eyes were always Noelle’s favorite thing about him. She thought she would’ve forgotten what they looked like by now. But clearly she hasn’t.

Her eyes quickly cast to the person next to him. It’s definitely a girl. They’re a bit too far away for Noelle to pick out details. But it’s enough. He’s walking on the side closest to the street. It’s a Friday Night in a bustling part of the city.

It hurts. She wishes it didn’t.

Even from far away, she sees his eyes blink in recognition. Noelle puts her head back down and walks faster.

(She cries in the shower when she gets back to the hotel. She had debated feeling super sorry for herself and going to the hotel bar but refrained)

She has a few free days in Boston before flying back to New York. When she wakes up the next morning, she debates on going home early. But no, she won’t let a three second glance at someone ruin her time here. She used to occasionally come here during her college days. She loves this city.

The city may be Jeremy’s, but she can make space for herself here too.

She takes her time at a cafe, people watching and eating some breakfast. As she takes her coffee to-go, she looks out the window at the bookstore she was in the night before for the signing. She almost drops her coffee.

Jeremy walks into the book store.

Now, Noelle is debating her options. What she should do is continue with her day and walk in the opposite direction. But she’s always been too nosy for her own good. And maybe a bit self destructive. She decides to leave the cafe and cross the street immediately, so impatient to where she’s almost tapping her foot as the pedestrian signal stays red.

As a writer, she’s no stranger to movie moments. The scenes written in books or movies where the timing is too accurate to be real. The situation too good to be true. But after a car speeds through an orange and she can finally walk, she stops in her tracks instead, feet glued down to the sidewalk.

Because Jeremy is right in front of her on the other side of the street. Her book in his hand. And he’s looking right at her.

The first feeling she can recognize in herself is anger. Anger at the way their relationship panned out. Anger at the way they ended. Anger at the radio silence the years following. Anger at him for everything. Angry at herself for everything.

The second feeling is, weirdly, shame, which she’s embarrassed by. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. But she feels it anyways.

The third, and perhaps the most prominent, is emptiness. Five fucking years later, and she’s brought back to the emptiness she felt immediately after they broke up. The emptiness that the person you loved isn’t yours anymore — who maybe wasn’t ever yours to begin with.

Before she can run, he’s already crossed the street to her. He looks naturally different as someone who you haven’t seen in five years would. But he also heartbreakingly looks the same.

“We should get out of people’s way,” Noelle manages to chokes out.

Jeremy laughs a bit. Her heart lurches. “Yeah.” He starts walking and she follows him wordlessly. This is his city after all.

He leads them to a bench under a tree with beautiful fall foliage. She puts at least a foot between them as they both sit down, staring out at the people passing. She can’t take the silence.

“I see you bought my book.”

“I did,” he replies evenly. “Congratulations. I always knew you would do it.”

She squeezes her eyes shut. Maybe if she squeezes hard enough she’ll forget when she originally pitched Jeremy the bare bones idea of the exact same book that’s currently in his hand. “Thank you. Congratulations to you too. On everything.”

“You’ve been watching?”

She shakes her head. “No. But, you know Seth and…yeah. It comes up during family calls sometimes.”

“Why didn’t you say hi last night?”

She looks pointedly at a couple walking their dog. “You seemed busy.”

“She wasn’t-that-it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Oh. Because that makes me feel so much better,” she spits out, before taking a deep breath. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. We broke up ages ago.”

“I’m sorry,” she gives him a look and is slightly proud of how he seems to shrink into himself a bit. “I-I know it’s five years too late. I know I didn’t handle it as well as I should’ve. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

The thing is, Noelle always thought that maybe hearing an apology someday would make her feel better. But now that’s heard it, she’s not sure she does.

She swallows. “I appreciate that.”

“I’ve already read it, you know.”

“Read what?”

Jeremy runs a hand through his hair. “Your book. One of my teammate’s girlfriend recommended it and I asked to borrow it. It’s fantastic,” He looks down at the book in his hand. It’s like the cover is taunting her. “I wanted my own copy.”

“Oh.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For letting me off the hook with the poems I know were about me,” he scoffs, shaking his head at himself. “You could’ve written way worse.”

She can’t help but let out a chuckle. “I thought I was pretty mean.”

“Your definition of ‘pretty mean’ is tame compared to a lot of people,” he says, mindlessly flipping through the pages of the book. “You were always the kindest person, even when you shouldn’t have been..”

He puts his hand out in her direction, the hand with the book in it. She furrows her eyebrows. “What-”

“Could I get a signed copy?”

“Jeremy. What do you want from me?”

He sighs, taking his hand back. “A chance to apologize?”

“You’ve already done that.”

“Not in the way I want to and what you deserve.”

She lets out a sigh, turning to face him fully. “I don’t know if that would be worth my time or yours. I know the book just came out, but that was five years ago. I’m over it. Forgive and forget, right?”

“But do you?” Jeremy counters back. “Clearly, you don’t forget, which I deserve. But forgive?”

“We’re just going in circles now.”

“No we’re not,” he says firmly. “You’re just shutting me down because you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve had five years to prepare what I would say to you if I saw you again. You’re telling me you haven’t?”

“Of course I have,” Noelle tips her head back. “But also, what’s the point?”

“The point, is that I still love you.”

“Fuck you,” she says in a strained voice. “You can’t just-you can’t just throw that shit out there. Fuck you.”

He bites his lip, and to her annoyance, he laughs. But she listens more carefully, and it sounds very self deprecating. “I deserved that.”

“Yeah,” Noelle looks down at her feet. “So…what? You still love me?”

“I do.”

“And what are you going to do about that?”

“What are you going to let me do?”

“I live in Brooklyn.”

“I know,” she whips her head up. Jeremy looks sheepish, which she didn’t even think was something he knew how to do. “Seth mentioned it when we caught up a bit ago. I also still follow you on Instagram.”

She tries again. “It’s been five years.”

“And I’m here sitting with you and still feel the exact same way I did back then. Even more, to be honest.” He eyes her pointedly. “Any more excuses?”

Her voice softens. “You really hurt me.”

“I know. And I’m so sorry, Noelle.”

“I hurt you too.”

He shrugs. “We were young and stupid.”

“And we’re still not?” Noelle says with a snort before swallowing. “I’m not the same person you fell in love with.”

“I’m sure I’m not either. But I don’t know if there’s a world where I don’t love every version of you.”

“Even after reading the book?”

“Especially after reading the book,” he sighs. “Noelle, I know this is unfair of me. All of this. And I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to reach out. But I always intended to. And then you’re here? And I see you twice in two days? I’d be an idiot to not try. More of an idiot than I am, anyways.”

“Try for what?”

“A second chance? To be friends? Whatever you want.” He suddenly deflates. “Even if you don’t want anything to do with me. At least I’ll know.”

“Why did you never text me?”

“I thought about it a lot,” he admits. “I tried once, actually, after the high of a really good win. But it didn’t go through. I got the message.”

“The message?”

“You blocked me, right?”

Oh. “Yeah,” she lies. “I did.” She reaches into her bag for a pen and gestures for the book, which he gives to her, a curious gleam in his eyes. “I’m in Boston for two more days, including today.”

He takes the hint immediately. Eagerly. “I have a game tonight, but I’m free tomorrow.”

“Who are you guys playing?”

“Toronto. And I’m starting. Should be a good one.”

She hums non-committedly, scribbling on the inside of the front cover. She hands it back to him with a small, close-lipped smile. She nods at him to read the message.

to my first fan,

i still love you too.

xxx-xxx-xxxx

yours,

noelle

He looks up, eyes shining but a bit confused.

“I never blocked you. I just changed my number.”

“Oh.”

“And even if I still love you, I’m still mad at you.”

“I know. I’d be more surprised if you weren’t.”

She stands up, adjusting the bag on her shoulder and putting her sunglasses on. “Text me?”

His mouth splits wide into a grin. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

She backs away with one last attempt at a smile before turning down the street.

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lainalit · 1 year ago

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Intertwined Hearts | An Elucien Playlist

"I can hear your heart beating through the Stone. Can you hear mine? "

I saw the Golden Hour Playlist from @areyoudreaminof and was inspired by it to also create my own playlist for Day One Fated for @elucienweekofficial on the themes of Tension, Growth & Healing that Sjm mentioned in her old facebook post about Elain & Lucien

The Playlist has 33 Songs with two Sides: Side A which is the Tension & Growth and Side B being the Healing & Coming Together The Genres are mostly folk/Indie, singer-songwriter, pop & new age

>> Click here to listen to it <<

Under the Cut you find the Tracklist & my favorite Lyrics Hope you enjoy listening 💚

Thank you to the commissioners @foreverinelysian & @fiercehildr for allowing me to use the Artwork by @pandyals_art as the cover

Favorite Lyrics

Where have you been hiding? You seem lost within your body and your mind A beam of light can still remind you who you are -The Secret Garden by AURORA

But despite all of my virtue I know that I'm the one who hurts you -The Garden by Flower Face

You're gonna be a strange companion Building his cage with disaster Tangled emotions Sunlit became my bond -Litha by Nadiiife

Flowers in my hair makes me wish that you were here When my mind goes away oh I hope that you’ll be near me -Flowers in My Hair by Wes Reeve

Stop you putting roots in my dreamland My house of stone, your ivy grows And now I'm covered In You -Ivy by Taylor Swift

And I'd give up forever to touch you 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be And I don't wanna go home right now -Iris by goo goo dolls (cover Kina Grannis)

Can we become we No longer known as just you and me Two separate lives now in unity Stuck here together but Will this always be just an arrangement -We Become We by Fiona Palomo & Milo Manheim

I'm an atom in a sea of nothing Looking for another to combine Maybe we could be the start of something Be together at the start of time -Start of Time by Gabrielle Aplin

And in the beginning, when land touched the sea The Earth was created around you and me And we keep on spinning from now on and on Tumbling and turning till all becomes one Becomes one -In the Beginning by Alice Merton, Fahrenhaidt

Seasons may change But we won't change Isn't it strange how different we are from all of our friends? -Yosemite by Lana del Ray

In the morn, I'll be wed to the bonniest boy And I'll bind my hand to his He is blood of my blood And bone of my bone I am bound to the love of him -Bound by Karliene

We only last a moment Our heartbeat's just a life But love can make believers never die So I will be yours if you be mine -Sweeter Place by SVRCINA

Honeybee Could you imagine where our lives would lead? That silly ring, it wasn't meant to be Luckily, you saw in me something I couldn't see -Honeybee by The Head And The Heart

Each day, you'd rise with me Know that I would gladly be The Icarus to your certainty Oh, my sunlight, sunlight, sunlight -Sunlight by Hozier

'Cause you are loved, you are loved more than you know I hereby pledge all of my days to prove it so Though your heart is far too young to realize The unimaginable light you hold inside -Light by Sleeping At Last

#elucien #elucienweek2024 #Day 1: Fated #acotar #elain archeron #lucien vanserra #elucien playlist #Spotify #songs for acotar #acotar playlist

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kasagia · 2 years ago

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Would've, Could've, Should've...

Pairing: Aleksander Morozova/Darkling x heartrender! Kaz Brekker's sister! reader Summary: Your life would have been completely different if it wasn't for Aleksander. You regret meeting him... but saints only know that he is the one who can make you feel this way... Warning(s): angst, death, blood, violence, manipulation, falling in love with the wrong person, toxic love, Aleksander is a little manipulator and the reader enters his web, the reader rebels, they love and hate each other, kind of dark! reader? Inspired by "Would've, Could've, Should've" - Taylor Swift SPECIAL FOR 10K LIKES AND 500 FOLOWERS 💙🖤 Thank you once again!! Words count: 11,6k+ Taglist: @aoi-targaryen @morrigan-crowmwell ~•♤♤♤•~ Aleksander Morozova's Masterlist ~•♤♤♤•~

If you would've blinked then I would've Looked away at the first glance If you tasted poison, you could've Spit me out at the first chance

You were a thief and a paid killer. In Ketterdam you were known as the sister of Dirtyhand, Dreg's second bastard. But that was before you met him... or before you were commissioned to kill him.

You were in a bind then, a messed-up situation. Your elder brother, Jordie, died, and your younger brother, Kaz, was your dependent. You both had to work hard to earn money for food and a dry (but often cold) place to sleep.

That's why you packed up. You left your brother with the promise to return and provide him with a place to stay while you were away. You exchanged as many letters with him as you could. You learned that he was doing well in Ketterdam, slowly becoming the head of one of the most important gangs. You helped him build his "empire" as much as you could, travelling around the world and making money by killing your targets.

But everything went to hell and your life changed completely on the night of a winter fete in Ravka.

You had a very simple task.

Disguised as a servant, you were to deliver the glass with poison to the Darkling, mingle with the other servants, and leave. None of the nobles ever paid attention to the service. Especially when you cover your face with makeup, making it look so dull and ordinary that no one will remember it.

But Darkling was different... you were supposed to find out about it soon.

Everything was going well. You walked over to him and handed him a poison glass, avoiding eye contact with him. But as you walked away, glancing discreetly to see if he raised his glass to his lips, you noticed he gave you a second glance.

You shivered.

He stared at you intently without even blinking. You felt mesmerized under his gaze, like you couldn't take your eyes off him even if you tried... but you didn't even want to try to save yourself from the gaze of his dark eyes.

And just as he was about to raise the cup to his lips, a commotion ensued around you. One of the paid hitmen you worked with has been identified.

The general threw down his glass and gave chase to the hitman. You took this opportunity to run out of the ballroom unnoticed.

You were lucky the general didn't drink the poison after all. If he did, it would be harder for you to leave Ravka and go back to your brother, since you all got disclosed.

In retrospect, you'd rather he'd drank that poison... maybe he'd have gotten rid of you at that first night.

If I was some paint, did it splatter On a promising grown man? And if I was a child, did it matter If you got to wash your hands?

You ran through the corridors until you bumped into one of the people who worked with you. You were breathing heavily from running from the pursuers of the First and Second Army.

"These Grishas dogs are everywhere. They caught Kostrov. We have to get the fuck out of here before their crazy Black General catches us too."

"Kostrov is caught? Shit. He'll turn us in before we leave the walls of this damn palace." you knew very well that if that was true, it was only a matter of time before the man revealed your hiding places. You must run away from there. And as soon as possible.

The voices of the soldiers and their quick steps rumble around you.

"Please tell me you have a plan."

"I always have a plan." you answer confidently and take her by a hand. You lead her through the corridors of the Little Palace until you are outside.

You are heading towards the exit gate when Grishas suddenly appear in front of you. You both stop, looking uncertainly in their direction. Fortunately for you, your disguise makes them a little less suspicious.

"You, get back to the Grand Palace. It's not safe here, servant." they said to you. "You're coming with us." they say, taking your co-worker by the hand.

They drag her towards the Little Palace, but she doesn't give up that easily. She breaks free from their grip, hugs you from behind and puts a dagger to your throat.

"One step closer and I'll kill her." Grishas' joined hands, ready to use a small science. You feel her dagger pierce your neck gently. Blood drips onto your collarbone just like the drops of your sweat. From this position, you can practically feel both her and your heart racing.

"What are you doing?" you whisper, angry at her.

"We'll both get out of here, or no one does." she growls furiously in your ear, backing away slowly. The dagger digs deeper into your skin as she realises there may be no way out of this situation.

You let out a loud scream, and suddenly her grip on you loosens. She falls dead to the ground, and you are right next to her. You press your hand against your throat and try to stop the bleeding. Your eyes study her lifeless body intently.

There are no injuries. No blood. No wound. One of the heartrenders must have stopped her heart.

You look around at the Grishas who are now coming towards you, and in a panic, you realise that there is not a single red kefta among them...

If it wasn't one of them then...

You shake as an unlikely thought comes to your mind, and the world slowly begins to blur into blurs as you feel the blood flow more freely from your neck and seep into your clothes. The dull, thumping beats buzz in your head, making it even more difficult for you to remain conscious.

Black material flashes before your eyes. You feel someone's strong arms lift you up. And before you completely lose your consciousness, you can feel HIS heart pumping warm blood rapidly. Yours is getting slower and slower.

And you wish you had died in his arms right then, before it all started...

A few hours later, you wake up in the Little Palace infirmary. You find out that you are a heartrender, and with your scream, you knocked down not only the woman who worked with you on this assignment (luckily no one knows about your identity and what you were really doing in the palace), but also the Grishas who caught you both (for the second time, the saints took watch over you, so you only knocked them unconscious for a moment).

Ah, and the Black General brought you here himself… the day like others.

Ooh, oh All I used to do was pray Would've, could've, should've If you'd never looked my way I would've stayed On my knees

You were kneeling in the chapel. The stained-glass windows and images of saints gave you a kind of solace in a strange way.

You often prayed to the saints. Even though there weren't many believers in Ketterdam in anything but profit and money.

You believed that they were somehow listening to the prayers of the people on earth… you just didn't know why they chose to so painfully ignore the cries for help for the lifes of your family.

You clutched a letter from Kaz in your hand. The tears had long since stopped falling from your eyes and had already dried on your face. After all, how many hours could you cry while sitting on one of the pew?

You didn't want to leave him like this. He was your little brother, and you loved him more than anything. Yet he threw it in your face for choosing your own comfort over his well-being. That you wanted to join the ranks of saints, forgetting who you were and leaving behind your past.

As if staying in the Little Palace was your choice.

You were thrown into the role of Grisha. You didn't even know how to control it... yet you were able to hold back thousands of hearts without any training or learning about small science.

You were capable of much more than an ordinary heartrender. You could manipulate the blood. Move people at your will, controlling the movement of blood through their veins and into their muscles, manipulating people's bodies to your will.

And you found out all this in just a few weeks.

You closed your eyes and rested your forehead on your joined hands. You were tired. Tired of being forced to accept a life you never wanted. You were a thief and a paid killer. Not any Grisha.

In the distance to your right, you heard a faint heartbeat. You sighed. Another bonus of discovering your powers. The sounds of the hearts of people around you overwhelmed you to the point that you had to hide in some secluded place to get rid of the pounding in your ears.

It sucked. And the man who was responsible for your miserable situation was standing right next to you now.

"I wouldn't take you for someone who prays to saints." his whisper echoed throughout the chapel. You turned your gaze away from him. You started looking at the stained glass windows in front of you.

"Maybe I just admire art, general."

"On your knees, with your hands together?" he asks sarcastically. You ignore the intense look of his dark eyes on you. He sighs, sitting on the pew next to you. "And it is Aleksander. I've told you many times."

"Shouldn't you be planning a war or something like that?" you huff, earning a small chuckle from him at your annoyance.

At first, you were afraid of this terrible, Black General of the Second Army. Over time, however, you allowed yourself to be more impertinent towards him. (When pretending to be an obedient Grisha irritated you to no end, you got into a fight and ended up in his war room while he was scolding you. You guess that you fascinated him not only with your powers then.)

"Shouldn't you get enough sleep for training with Baghra?" you groan in despair at his words. Baghra... another reason to run away from this place as fast as you can.

You get up from your knees and sit on the pew next to him. Kaz's letter tucked safely in the sleeve of your kefta, but you wonder how long it will be before he notices the unusual stiffness in your left arm.

"I'm not going there. This woman will kill me one day and tell everyone that it was my own incompetence that did it." his soft chuckle definitely shouldn't make your heart beat faster. You were glad he didn't have powers like yours to find out about this embarrassing fact. "I'm also a little concerned about you knowing my timetable." you say, actually suspecting that the general's good intentions are based on something completely different than your well-being. You still didn't know how you sold him the story about how the orphan from Ketterdam managed to become a servant for Ravka's royal family and didn't pass a single test during her stay in the Grand Palace.

"I care about every Grishas. Some require my attention more than others." He says, shifting his gaze to the stained glass window you were staring at.

Sankta Ursula of the Waves

"You can mock all you want, but I believe in them. You have to believe in something if you want to survive in Ketterdam."

He trembles slightly. He thinks you haven't noticed, but you have. He clears his throat and looks down from the image of a Sankta to look at something else in the chapel.

"Why you pray to her?" he asks, and you, not knowing the importance of this question at the time, shrug and simply say the truth.

"My brother crossed part of the sea alone when he was only 10 years old. If not thanks to the saint's help, I don't know how he survived…" you tell him.

You don't know why, but he has such an aura around him that you just WANT to tell him everything. It was easy to trust him enough to share some of your secrets... After all, everything that's in the shadows is safely kept from the world, right?

And in those dark eyes and that mysterious, confident smirk you could get lost so damn easily…

If you knew better, you would have tried to push him away from you instead of spending nights with him in the chapel, talking about your past or when he "accidentally" joined you, or in the palace garden when he "accidentally" wanted to walk around the lake in the moonlight. You have unknowingly let him to direct you straight to his intricately woven spider web.

And I damn sure never would've danced with the devil At nineteen, and the god's honest truth is that the pain was heaven

Genya has provided you with a wonderful kefta. However, its red was different from the others, Corporalki. It was more bloody, wine-like, and so dark that one could say it was mixed with black.

Aleksander said he needed to recognise his best heartrender, and this kefta, too fanciful for your taste, was supposed to be a symbol of your importance to the Second Army. As if the ridiculous amount of black thread he had ordered to use to decorate it wasn't enough of a sign that the Black General favoured you over his other soldiers.

It was one of many celebrations in the Grand Palace. However, on this occasion, the Tsar and Tsaritsa decided to invite the Grishas as well... or rather, have them entertain a crowd of self-righteous nobility on the occasion of the anniversary of the Ravka uprising.

You weren't a Ravkan. You weren't interested in some artificial celebration, but the general almost forced you to come to this stupid holiday with others... at least you could drink wine secretly with Genya and Fedyor.

You felt the blood flowing freely through your body as you danced with some other Grishas. You laughed carelessly for the first time in a long time and let yourself spin around as the handsome blonde held you in his arms.

The others' heartbeats hummed softly in your ears as you allowed yourself to let go of control a little. The orchestra's music effectively allows you to drown out the sound your powers have picked up.

Being so distracted, you didn't even notice when Grisha leaned closer to you and started whispering something in your ear. You laughed at the ridiculousness of his flirtatious offer and were about to reject him when suddenly an arm wrapped around your waist and pulled you into a strong chest.

As soon as the familiar smell of burning wood and musk mixed with kvass enveloped you, you relaxed. Suddenly, the possessive, too-tight grip on your waist where his large hand was pressing against your stomach and holding his breasts too close to be appropriate didn't bother you as much.

And if, instead of inhaling his scent and perfume like some drug and getting high on it, you saw the death glare he was sending towards the guy who was only flirting with you, maybe you would understand that it was better to run away from him as far as possible instead of melting into the soft fabric of his black kefta and appreciating his muscles you felt through it.

But you couldn't think of anything else but how lucky you were that your summer keftas were so thin.

“I'm going to steal Miss Y/F(ake)/L/N for a while." he says as if he has every right to you. But you are too intoxicated (both by his close presence and the wine you drank) to notice that something is wrong.

And instead of yelling at him like you should have, showing him that you weren't a thing he could take whenever he wanted, you blushed as he turned you towards him and gave you that damned, dangerous smirk that made many Grishas women swoon.

"You looked like you needed saving." he whispers into your ear, gently touching his bearded cheek to yours.

You bit your lip, looking at him as he pulled away from you, perfectly playing the role of gentleman and your fucking knight on a black horse. Too perfect for you to notice then...

"Thank you, general, for caring so much about an ordinary heartrender like me." you tease him as he leads you in a dance.

"My best heartrender." he replies, running his hand down your back, making you shiver. He suddenly dipped you down, forcing you to lean on his hands and trust that he won't let you fall on the floor. You were so close in his arms that you felt every breath he takes matching yours.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see Grishas whispering about you, but you don't care. Not while you have him with you, not while he's looking at you with such curiosity and admiration that you feel like you're the only damn person in the room. And you see his eyes linger longer on the black stitched decorations of your kefta on your waist and chest.

"Be careful, Ivan will be jealous." you tease, giving him one of your prettiest teasing smiles, and you almost hold your breath, seeing a hint of something akin to lust in his eyes, as dark as his shadows.

"He has his Fedyor." he replies, pulling you slightly closer to him, and you know he can feel your rapidly beating heart.

He was dangerous—everything you should avoid—something that young and naive girls were warned about. But you were drawn to him like a moth to a flame. And the fact that such a special, powerful man like him was interested in the thief and killer from Ketterdam like you made you unable to push him away.

You liked his attention. The way he touched your cheek tenderly as he brushed the hair from your face after riding with him. The way he sought your presence and the way he showed up at unexpected moments when you really needed someone. The way he gently grabbed your hand, amplifying your already formidable powers so you could practice bigger, more impressive things with him than with Baghra.

He made you felt special, chosen. And with every single second you spend with him, you wanted more from him…

He left you with the tingling feeling of his lips on your hand after thanking you for dancing. He walked away from you, giving you a second glance and a wink. And then you knew he would be your death...

And now that I'm grown I'm scared of ghosts Memories feel like weapons And now that I know I wish you'd left me wondering

"I do not like winter." you say, sitting in one of his armchairs in the war room, warming your hands by the fireplace.

Baghra forced you to train outside, and the cold ingrained itself into your bones. You tried in vain to warm yourself up using your power. The old witch, seeing your incompetence, only let you go when your lips turned blue enough from the cold. And Aleksander was bustling around you now, wrapping an absurd amount of blankets around you and making tea for the two of you.

"Why is that?" he asks, placing the warm mug in your cold hands. You smile gratefully and take a sip, deciding that he did it perfectly, just as you loved it. Which, by the way, wasn't so strange, knowing how many sleepless nights you spent in that chair talking with him.

"My brothers once took me to a frozen lake to go ice skating. I fell into an ice hole, almost froze to death, and got a terrible cold. My mother said that I miraculously escaped death. My parents spent all their money on doctors and medicines for me. And as a result, my brothers and I were strictly forbidden to go out without her supervision. As you might expect, they weren't very grateful to me for this."

You see him swallow and stare into his cup in silence. You don't miss his tense shoulders and the frown on his forehead as he mentions something—something very bad, judging by the pale knuckles of his hands as they grip the cup tightly.

You slowly get up and put your mug on the table. You walk up to him and kneel in front of him. You take the cup from his hands before it breaks under his force, and you slow down his rapidly beating heart with your power to calm him down a bit.

The touch of your soft, gentle hands on his brings him back to reality. His dark eyes stare at you with great intensity, assessing and wondering something deeply as he pierces your very soul.

"I fell into the freezing lake too." he finally says, lowering his gaze to your joined hands. He plays with your fingers and draws patterns with his fingertips on your palm as he weighs his words, not looking at you, as if he might break down under your compassionate pattern. "I was 13 years old… two other children, my dearest friends, attempted to drown me in that freezing lake."

A cold chill runs through your body. You unconsciously squeeze his hands, trying to catch his gaze.

"Why?" you whisper, shakily, imagining that cruel moment.

He doesn't say anything. He lifts his head and looks at you, and he finds something in your gaze that makes him decide to stare hopingly into your eyes with his dark irises that reflect the glow of the fire in the fireplace for a while.

He sighs, closing his eyes, and suddenly you feel your hands tingle where your skin meets his. And it's not the usual feeling that washes over you every time you're in his intoxicating presence.

NO.

It was something bigger, more powerful, and much more addictive than anything, than Darkling himself was already to you.

"Use your power. Listen to the heartbeat." he whispers his command quietly, completely unlike the way he expresses his orders. And if you opened your eyes, you would see him staring at you intently, watching the reaction on your face.

And then you hear it. Thousands of heartbeats, you feel every flow of blood in the bodies of thousands of people present from the Little and Greate Palace, even throughout the whole capital.

Overwhelmed by so much power, you let go of his hands and breathe heavily, still feeling the blood rushing through your veins and that warm tingle spreading throughout you.

"What... what the hell was that?" you ask him in shock, trying to catch your breath. "How... how did you..."

"You know what an amplifier is, right?" he asks, sliding out of his chair and kneeling in front of you.

He reaches up and slowly tucks your hair behind your ear. You flinch at first at his touch, and he freezes, but you quickly nuzzle into his hand when you notice that you no longer feel as much power emanating from him to you as you did with his earlier touch.

"Yes, but..." you freeze, realising what he's implying. The impossibility of it all only stuns you for a moment. But so many impossible things have already happened in your life that, in the end, this little piece of information doesn't make that much of an impression on you. But you can't say the same about what you found out... about what he must have gone through in his childhood. They practically hunted him like those animals that enhanced Grishas' abilities. "Oh, Aleksander." you whisper and lunge at him to hug him tightly to you.

And by the short sigh he let out as he buried his face in your hair, and by the way it took him a moment to undoubtedly return your strong, tender hug, you knew that this wasn't what he expected, that this wasn't the kind of reaction he was used to seeing.

If only you knew back then that he would start using his memories more often as a weapon in the fight for your feelings, your affection, your forgiveness, and your compassion, then you would rather he left you in the dark, for him to never start sharing THE REAL parts of him with you.

If you never touched me, I would've Gone along with the righteous If I never blushed then they could've Never whispered about this And if you never saved me from boredom I could've gone on as I was

Ravka's love day celebrations are… more successful than you would like to admit.

You went to breakfast, convinced that you would spend today's day off alone, locked in your room or gossiping with Genya about anything other than the romantic, tense atmosphere in the palace.

You were wrong.

It started with you being presented with various flowers from various Grishas along the way, asking if you would spend the evening with them. And they were various proposals. Dinner, a walk in the palace gardens, a horse ride, even spending the night with them (which you found disgusting).

You entered the dining hall and sat down in your usual seat, responding to Fedyor's teasing as you placed a bouquet of all the flowers you were given on the table next to you.

"You don't want to take them from me? Ivan would be happy." you try to shush him but he just laughs more.

"Better tell me which ones are from the general." he teases you, picking up one of the flowers and hitting your shoulder with it.

You tense up and blush slightly. You make sure to mask the beating of your racing heart so that Fedyor can't use it as a clue to your true feelings for the General, which have developed over the months you've spent in the Little Palace.

"None. And it better stay that way. As if all these women didn't look at me with hatred anyway. Can you believe that for all these flowers, no one brought me my favorites? Or any sweets?" you complain jokingly, digging into your food and trying to act as if you were unimpressed by his comment.

"And what are your favorites?" he asks casually, also starting to eat his food. You answer him and then suddenly someone sits next to you. Inferni - Luke, the one you danced with at one of the events and your faithful library buddy, gives you a shy smile.

"Are you doing anything tonight?" he asks, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck.

You feel Fedyor's eyes on you, but you try to ignore him. The heartrender flies away, leaving the two of you alone. You don't know how to answer Luke. He was that classic nice, funny guy that any woman would kill for attention. And probably, if your life were different, you would gladly accept his invitation and reciprocate his shy flirtation.

But you can't and don't want to do it. You don't feel an ounce about Luke what you feel about a certain dark-haired man in a black kefta. And when Inferni's hand connects with yours, you mentally compare the feeling to the tingling excitement that the mere look of Aleksander's dark eyes stirs within you.

Fortunately, you're not the one who has to answer. A grunt from the two of you makes Luke let go of your hand. You both stare at your general, who stands with his hands clasped behind his back. He approaches you slowly and catches your gaze with his dark irises before looking at the Inferni sitting next to you.

"Unfortunately, Miss Y/F/N will be busy tonight." he replies, not even trying to hide from you the silent, unspoken threat he sends with his gaze towards the boy who tired to ask you out.

Luke nods and leaves with a quiet: "Yes, General."

Alexander looks at you, and for a moment, that's all you do. And if you were a little more careful, less blinded by your fascination with this dangerous man who, for some reason, puts you at the centre of his universe, you would try to get away from him as far as possible.

But you are not.

He offers you his hand, patiently waiting to see if you take it or reject it. But you both then know that you are too deeply enchanted by his intoxicating appearance, too mesmerised by the sound of his voice, and too hungry for his touch to allow yourself to lose his attention for even a moment.

So you gently placed your hand on his. He wraps it in a safe hug and helps you up. He pulls you a little closer to him so that the materials of your keftas rub against each other. And the overwhelming amount of black embroidery on it practically hides the red material underneath, matching perfectly to the general's black kefta. This obvious match only now seems trivially obvious to you.

And if the Grishas had any doubt that you belonged to the Dark General, the fact that he pulled out your favourite flowers from behind his back and handed them to you with a small, charmed smirk as you took them from him and buried your nose in the petals told them so quite clearly.

In that moment, you too realised how deeply you felt for this man.

That's why, when he leans towards you, his bearded cheek brushing yours, flushed from the overwhelming feeling that overwhelms you in his close presence, you don't object when he whispers in your ear:

“I'm about to kidnap you for tonight.”

The rational part of you screams at you that this is a bad sign, that he is saying it with too much confidence and hunger in his eyes to be considered mere flirtation and not an act of pure possession and dominance.

But you don't listen.

You don't want to listen.

You want to drown in those dark brown irises, be consumed by his darkness, if it meant that for the rest of your life he would look at you as the only person he wanted.You want to finally feel wanted. Needed. Chosen. The one and only.

And the fact that it was this most powerful Grisha who made you feel this way only fueled your desires more and blinded everything your mind was screaming to your deaf heart. A heart that was deaf to everything that wasn't HIM.

"I can't wait." you whisper back.

And you know, by the way he nods at you and walks away with his usual confidence, the twinkle of victory in his eyes, and the huge, satisfied smile when he realises you're watching him closely until he's out of your sight, that you are gone for good and there is no going back to who you were. That he has clawed his way into your soul too deeply to ever try to deny it.

But lord, you made me feel important And then you tried to erase us

This is one of the best nights of your life.

You knew this from the moment you climbed with him to the highest tower in the Little Palace, which was used to teach little Grishas astronomy lessons.

He laid down with you on the blankets and pillows he had prepared, especially for this occasion, and let you lean against his chest as you both gazed at the stars. You, safely wrapped in his arms and blankets, listened to his slightly accelerated heartbeat as if it were the sweetest music you had ever heard. And the fact that he rested his chin on top of your head, occasionally whispering something in your ear about the constellations in front of you, quickly became by far your favourite place in the world.

"For a long time I only slept under the stars. My mother and I always had to be on the run. We couldn't find a permanent place. People would try to kill the Darkling's son as soon as they found out about my existence."

You lift your joined hands and press a kiss to his as you continue to listen to him. You feel shivers run through his body. You learned, with the time you spend with him, that he was completely unaccustomed to the tender touch of another.

"They were my only solace in the darkness."

"Were you afraid of her? And your shadows?" you ask, turning in his arms to look at him properly. He shifts his gaze from the night sky above you to you and disentangles one of his hands from your grasp to caress your cheek tenderly.

"A bit. I couldn't control them then... they were... unpredictable. My mother used to mock me and say that I was no summoner if I allowed my own power to rule me."

"Aleksander." you whisper, tears in your eyes as you see the pain written all over his face. It was there every time he mentioned that cruel woman. You hold one of his hands tightly and say, with all your conviction and unwavering faith in this man, "You are the strongest person I know. You've been through so much... I'm probably not even aware of half of it yet, and yet, look where you are and what you have achieved. There has never been and never will be a better Darkling than you. You are caring and attentive; you take care of your people, and the Grishas under your rule are better than ever."

He stares at you, frowning halfway through your speech, and something like guilt shines in his eyes as tears begin to form.

You don't know it yet, then.

You don't know why he feels guilty. You don't know why he shivers as you lean into him to press your lips together in your first kiss. You don't know why his hands are shaking as he cups your cheeks. You don't know why, as you try to undo the buttons on his kefta, his hands suddenly stop yours. You don't know why he pulls away after a moment, whispering something under his breath as he practically runs away from you.

All you know for sure is his heart beating madly as he disappears from your sight and the tingling of your lips after the kiss the two of you shared a moment ago.

He hasn't come near you since that night. In fact, you feel like he's trying to avoid you at all costs. And in hindsight, you curse yourself for not taking the hint. That you didn't move away when he tried to make it easier for you.

But you were too stubborn, too longing for his presence floating around you like his shadows, to simply give up and do what's best for you. So you knock on his chambers in the middle of the night, and when he opens the door, you both know you're too far in all of this to try to ignore an attraction between you—this ache in your chest after not seeing each other for weeks.

You don't know who kisses who first. Or when he pulls you towards him and closes the door behind you to pin himself against it. You have no idea who took the other's kefta off first or when you found yourself in his bed as he tried to kiss every part of you. You know you feel safe, warm, loved, and at home. And it's a feeling you haven't felt in a very long time. And so did he. That's why you get lost in each other, completely disregarding the fact that, in the end, you would probably both tear each other's hearts out.

Oh, you're a crisis of my faith Would've, could've, should've If I'd only played it safe

He finds you kneeling by his fireplace as you slowly burn letter after letter you wrote to Kaz that he sent back to you. The bastard didn't even open it.

It's been a long time since you kneeled before anything other than him. Your faith in the saints was crumbling with each passing month in the ranks of the Second Army. If the saints were so powerful, why did they continue to allow Grishas to be treated worse than dogs?

You didn't understand it. And the next bottle of Aleksander's kvas that you opened only confirmed your belief that the saints sucked, your brother was an ungrateful scoundrel, and your boyfriend was the only good thing that happened to you. Boyfriend… it felt weird for you to call him that, but you had no other idea in your half-drunk state.

You put another letter into the fire when you suddenly feel a pair of arms wrap around you, pulling you into his strong chest. You sigh, appreciating his scent and the warmth that emanates from him. His shadows slowly wrap around the two of you as you both kneel in front of the fireplace and the burning letters to your brother.

"Are you playing Inferni?" he asks teasingly as his hands go to the bottle of kvas you're holding, and he takes a sip from it.

"Possible. Did you have to grovel before the king again to get money for Grishas for uniforms, training, and food? Which should actually be his fucking duty to provide this for the soldiers who are bleeding for him and other royal snobs on the Fjerdan border.”

"Possible. Don't say it out loud or elsewhere. I don't want to see that pretty ass through the bars in the dungeon."

"We both know you'd save that ass and drag it back to your bed." you both giggle like fools. You lean more into him and sigh satisfied when he starts running through your hair, playing with it.

"Possible. Very much. Who deserves your hatred?" he asks curiously as you throw another letter into the fire. "Be careful not to set fire to my chambers. I have some nice, matching keftas here for the two of us."

"I'm glad you find it amusing that my brother is a dick." you complain a little, wondering what keftas he's referring to besides the ones you're currently wearing.

He insisted that you have at least one all-black one with red embroidery. Of course you agreed. You wanted people to know you were his.

"He didn't respond?" he asks, snapping you out of your thoughts. You take his hand in yours and start drawing patterns on it with your finger. You cling to his claw-like ring and play with it for a while, spinning it around his finger.

"He actually did. He write a big 'Fuck you' at the back of one." you say thoughtfully as you shift your gaze to the letters burning in the fireplace. Maybe it was actually better to stop trying to establish contact with him for a moment and give him space to think?

"Don't think about him. You don't need him." he says, nuzzling your temple with his nose. You frown and turn your head to look at him.

"He is my brother... that's a bound that never die." you speak strongly, convinced that you are right.

The determination in your eyes makes him fall silent, staring at you as he thinks about something, or maybe someone, as he mindlessly plays with your fingers—a nervous habit he showed every time he held you against him and he thought about his past. In moments like these, you just wanted to kiss the sadness and pain from his face.

"Maybe." he finally whispers back, lost in thought. Suddenly, he shakes his head slightly and flashes back to you from his memories. "Maybe it is better for him like that? To only care about himself. To show that he is not emotionally connected to anyone. Maybe he is trying to keep you safe?"

"Why live without love? Without someone close to you who waits for you and cares for you? Who believes in you? Who would have your back at your worst and when you need a rescue?"

"Sometimes people have no choice. It's safer to live alone. To care only about yourself. You know that your actions won't hurt anyone, and if they do, it will only hurt you."

"I would rather live one life in the arms of my love than hundreds of them all alone and in meaningless glory."

He tenses, but his grip doesn't loosen around you. If anything, he grows stronger, as if he's clinging to you to make sure you don't go anywhere further than his arms reach.

He kisses your temple and pulls you in so that you're straddling his lap. He strokes your neck and collarbone gently, and after a long, tender kiss, he whispers into your lips:

"I need to get out and visit a few camps near the fold. Come with me… I need to keep an eye on you to make sure you stay in these arms of mine as long as possible." he teases you, but you know his question-order has more meaning than he is willing to admit.

For the first time, neither of you are alone. You have someone to come back to at night, someone to talk to about your problems, someone to hold in your arms. And it's both a pleasurable and addictive feeling for the two of you.

I would've stayed on my knees And I damn sure never would've danced with the devil At nineteen, and the god's honest truth is that the pain was heaven And now that I'm grown I'm scared of ghosts Memories feel like weapons And now that I know I wish you'd left me wondering

Sun Summoner. Saint Alina. Ravka's Savior.

The girl received more titles and merits, more hope placed in her than many saints to whom you prayed. You would feel sorry for her if she didn't completely rob you of YOUR Aleksander.

And you would endure it. Really. If only that little saint hadn't accidentally blurted out his name at dinner while she was talking to you.

And that's why you stood crying in your... his chambers. You were packing instead of getting ready for the winter fiesta celebrations, fully ready to mend your broken heart on the borders of Ravka, preferably in some camp near Fjerda, so that you could vent the anger, despair, and disappointment boiling inside of you to them.

Although you preferred to keep the heart of a certain little saint rather than some Fjerdan or Drüskell, and to be honest, that desire scared you.

Kaz was right. You chose comfort. You could have tried to escape from the Darkling better and put more effort into your escape plans instead of letting yourself be slandered by that damn bastard who gave that sunny whore a kefta in HIS colour after a WEEK. You waited fucking months for him to give you the black kefta you wanted, which was now hanging in his closet, abandoned like a rag.

In your anger, you packed your things blindly, oblivious to your surroundings. That's why you flinched when suddenly HIS hands gently held your arms, preventing you from packing any further.

You don't turn to face him. You don't make a move, waiting for him to say something as you listen to his heartbeat.

"Where are you going?" he asks, but you know he's only doing it to analyse his next move, to come up with a reason in his head why you'd want to leave him, and he's trying to quickly come up with a plan to talk you out of it.

You may not have known what a son-of-a-bitch he was, but at least you knew him almost as well as you knew yourself.

"On a vacation." you huff and shake his arms off of you. You close your leather suitcase with a bang and turn to face him. He notices that you're wearing your red kefta—the first one that clearly wasn't trimmed with a ridiculous amount of black embroidery typical of heartrenders.

"Y/N..." he sighs and reaches for you, but you pull away from him before his hands land on you and your traitorous body succumbs to his familiar touch.

"Don't. Don't even start it. I know what you are going say all to well."

"What are you talking about?" he asks, frowning at you. You look away from him and sit on his bed as you tie your travelling shoes and make sure you have your daggers hidden in them.

"Oh, you know. That typical 'It's not you, it's me' talk. And the classic 'I don't feel the same about you anymore. And it's my fault, not yours.' Just spare us this crap and let me go somewhere where I don't have to watch you cling to that sunny bitch."

In an instant, he's on his knees in front of you, clutching your hands in his. You know that looking into his damn hypnotic eyes will ruin you, but you're too weak to resist him.

"I admit... I've been busy with the Sun Summoner lately... but she's not the one I return to every night. She's not the one I think about every free moment; she's not the one I want to hold in my arms..."

"But she's the one who got the kefta in your colours from you. She's the one who learned your name before I did. The one you trusted right away when I had to earn your trust every fucking week here. She's your equal. Your goddamn complement. I won't stand in the way of your great, epic love and play the role of the other woman, only because you get used to having me around." you say mad and push his hands away from you.

And instead of letting you go and making the one damn right choice in your life, he stands up and traps you in the tight embrace of his arms and shadows.

You scream, squirm, and try to struggle out of his strong arms, even going so far as to pathetically punch his chest with your fists, but weakly enough that it seems more like a frantic act of your despair and hurt than an actual attempt. hurting him.

“Milaya, moye serdtse… (Sweet girl, my heart.)” he whispers in your ear, his hands caressing your back tenderly as you tremble against him. "You are the only light of my life. Moi sol ye tselai. (My sun and stars.) There is no one else, and there never will be. Alina may be the Sun Summoner, my opposite and complement, but it is YOU who challenges me, you are my EQUAL. It is you that I want to return to every night, you are with me... you are the one I want to always have with me."

And then it feels so romantic and sweet, so right, when he kisses the tears from your face and pulls the ring from his pocket to slide it on your finger after his quiet: "Kei onolich yash, milaya?" and your little, almost unnoticable nod.

It feels so good when he throws your leather suitcase off the bed in one move and lays you on it, worshipping you all night long and assuring you that he is yours and yours alone. You feel loved. Wanted. Chosen above the one and only Sun Summoner.

And in that moment, his warm, soft lips on yours, his cold hands caressing your body heated by him, the shadows floating around you that he accidentally released, and the sound of his pounding heartbeat in your ears were enough for you to forget that he was planning to gain Alina's trust in a nefarious way. It was so easy to explain it to yourself. It was so easy for you to convince yourself that he was a good man. It was definitely easier than admitting the obvious, painful truth.

After all, that was all you two wanted... to never feel lonely and unimportant again.

God rest my soul I miss who I used to be The tomb won't close Stained glass windows in my mind

The fold is dark. Cold. It doesn't resemble Aleksander's shadows at all. Your fiancé is also nothing like the version you knew.

Version. That's exactly what he was showing you.

Another version of him. Another of his hundreds of lives. You were so naive and stupid. He had to handcuff you to the deck of the ship so you could finally understand what he was really like.

And so you found yourself in the front row, watching the Black Heretic widen his fold.

He has the nerve to walk up to you and brush the hair out of your face that has been ruffled by the wind his squallers have summoned. And he does it with such tenderness that you almost believe in the truth of his feelings. Almost. The handcuffs blocking your power and hidden beneath the fabric of your black dress—another one of his sick ways of marking his ownership—are a stark reminder of how he has degraded you and how he has reduced your role to nothing more than a pretty toy on his arm so that he is not alone in his madness.

"Please... I just want to talk." he whispers, his hand never leaving your cheek as he caresses it with his thumb with utmost care.

You don't look at him. You can't anymore. His face is a blatant reminder of your stupidity and naivety. Your greatest weakness and desire - all hidden in the face of a handsome devil in front of you. A Starless Saint you used to pray to in the past...

"I don't care how long it takes you, but in the end, you'll understand and come to accept that there was no other choice. That I'm doing this for us. For you. For all the Grishas." he whispers, placing a kiss on your forehead.

You're shaking. And you curse yourself for doing this, both because you're afraid of him and because his mouth still manages to tear down all the walls you put up because of him around your heart.

"Do not touch me." you snap at him, furious. Trying to at least pretend that you really hated him with every fibre of your being.

This doesn't discourage him. Even the other way around, he pulls you closer to him, tangling his hand in the back of your hair to whisper into your ear:

"I will banish this attitude from you in time, moya tsaritsa." you freeze at his words, realising his true plan—to expand the fold and take over Ravka. He wanted to become a tsar...

"You must be delusional to think for even a second that you will take control over Ravka and put me by your side."

"Isn't that what we promised each other? Stay with each other no matter what? I have seen what you truly are, and I never turned away. I never will." he's trying to convince you, and you know that if it weren't for the numerous lies and half-truths he fed you, you would join him.

You wouldn't care about what he did, what he intended to do, or who he would hurt to fulfil his sick plan that had been hundreds of years in the making. You feel weak and naive like never before. All because of the man, you decided to give your heart and all your devotion.

"I promised this to General Kirigan. Not to the Black Heretic, poisoned by his maniacal beliefs and blinded by the grip of authority and power. No matter how hard you try, you will never have control over anything. Your shadows and pride will be your undoing, Aleksander."

You gasp when he suddenly grabs your jaw roughly, tightening his fingers around your bones and preventing you from saying anything. He glares at you, a combination of betrayal and pain in his dark eyes as he tries to decide what to do with you. And you know that if you were anyone else, he would have used his shadows on you long ago.

And for a moment, you wish that he could finally free you from the suffering, hopelessness, and inner conflict you feel every time you look at his face.

"You shall be right by my side... no matter what you think about me." he promised you, which almost sounds like a threat, and placed a soft kiss on your cheek, near your lips. "You will understand; I know you will... we have all the time we need."

Before you can ask him about the meaning of his words, hell begins to break loose around you.

And you don't know what amazes you more, the fact that Alina is able to resist the bond and summon an incredible amount of light, or the fact that your brother appears next to you, and with the help of some mad hatter with a gun who turns out to be a fabricator, they free you. Kaz and his people take you away from the fold, Aleksander and his Grishas.

You are free.

Only your heart seems to be bleeding, left far behind you in the hands of a man you don't know if he's still alive.

And for the first time in several years, after you have a very emotional conversation with your little brother and after you promise to help the Sun Summoner, you allow yourself to cry quietly in the room they rented in some old inn.

And the worst of it all is that you don't cry for who you were, for the lost years in the Little Palace, or for how Aleksander changed you and transformed you in his image. No. You cry over him because you don't know if you'll ever see that damn bastard again.

And to make matters worse, you find a picture of a Starless Saint in the room. And you know that Aleksander, dead or alive, will haunt you for the rest of your life.

And his engagement ring resting safely on your finger is obvious proof of that.

I regret you all the time Can't let this go I fight with you in my sleep The wound won't close I keep on waiting for a sign I regret you all the time

Baghra teaches you how to control and summon shadows.

Yes, Baghra, Aleksander's mother, who apparently turned out to be on your side, teaches you how to control and summon shadows.

During one rather nasty fight with Drüskelles, it turns out you can summon a fucking shadow cut.

And after Aleksander starts haunting you in your dreams and even in broad daylight, just like he does with Alina, you realise that she's not the only one who got an amplifier from him.

And so you found yourself in a library near the village where you were hiding, trying to find any information about Morozova and his amplifiers. And the women sitting across from you weren't much help.

"Why does he haunt her more than he haunts me? Could it have something to do with the fact that the bond between us is falling apart or is less durable than theirs?" Alina asks Baghra. You roll your eyes at her.

"He obviously has other… priorities." the old woman replies, clearly insinuating the motive for these priorities.

"Maybe please stop insinuating such nonsense?" you mumble over your book, trying to read the text.

It didn't help that you were distracted by their conversations and hadn't slept in days, too afraid of meeting him in your dreams. He was all you could think about anyway.

"I'm just stating facts. The boy constantly thinks about you; you think about him. You seek and reach out to each other unconsciously and appear before the other eyes."

"I'm not at all…"

"I wouldn't embarrass myself more if I were you." Kaz says, walking alongside Mal, Inej, and Jasper. Everyone but him is carrying large stacks of books for your wonderful group to look through.

"At least this one has a brain." Baghra comments, insulting everyone at the table. You can see from Kaz's look that he's rather pleased with her comment. "It's better for you that you're a cripple." you huff, amused, seeing Kaz's expression revert to his trademark cold stare. He frowns grumpily as he plops down on the couch next to you.

It was in good enough condition to allow you to lean on it for a while. That's why you took the opportunity and placed your head on his shoulder, closing your eyes for a moment.

"Are you going to meet your geek?" he asks teasingly, and if you didn't know him, you'd think the snarky tone was meant to mock you.

"You better keep an eye on your girlfriend, Kazzle. She's far too good for you," you whisper back to him and smile victoriously, hearing his heart speed up at the mention of Inej.

"Shut up and go to sleep."

You agree and allow yourself to fall asleep for the first time in days, hoping someone will wake you up if Aleksander invades your dreams again.

If clarity's in death, then why won't this die? Years of tearing down our banners You and I Living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts Give me back my girlhood It was mine first

As soon as you open your eyes, you realise that you are in a different place, somewhere you have never been before. You look around the room and stop in front of the mirror. You shudder as you realise you're wearing the black kefta HE once gave you.

"One day without your annoying presence, is it that much to ask?" you say, turning around after you saw his figure in the mirror.

You shiver, realising that he's much closer than you expected. For a moment, you wish you could pinch yourself to get out of there. It would definitely make life easier for your battered heart.

"You're so successful at avoiding me that I have to take advantage of every opportunity you give me, milaya." he says and takes a step towards you.

You automatically step back, making him clench his fists, keeping them to himself. He sighs and looks at you again, his dark brown eyes scanning your soul, trying, as usual, to find something to convince you to come back to him.

"Please… I just want to talk. You know I would never hurt you." he makes his cute, kicked-up puppy face. Your stupid heart hurts to see him so... broken, but this time your brain is screaming over your heart's pleas for mercy to this man.

"Do you want to talk? Then maybe you can tell me why you put an amplifier in me? Why did you let me summon your shadows?! Why did Grishas have to evacuate from the Little Palace, and why is the king hunting us like Fjerdans and Drüskelles?!" you ask angrily, unconsciously moving closer to him with each sentence you shout at him.

"You can try to make me a monster if it makes you feel better, but I am not your enemy. And you know it. Everything I do, everything I have ever done, I've done for Grishas. And everything I ever do will be for Grishas and for you." he says, as usual, maintaining that damn composure that makes you hate him more. You hate that he pretends he's perfectly fine while you're falling to pieces every day you walk without him by your side.

"Lying. That's all you can do. Lie, manipulate. Tell me, how many gullible girls have you fooled with your beautiful eyes and idealistic talk? How much girlhood have you taken and used for your own benefit?" you ask him, wanting to hurt him, wanting to cause him the same pain he gave you when you found out the truth about him, and your world crumbled around you like a house of cards. Because that's all your life was. Illusion. An illusion created by a man you couldn't hate like he deserved you.

"I've never taken anything you didn't give me willingly."

"I gave you everything just not to lose you. You made me dependent on you; you made life without you seem like cruel torture; you showed me things that I can't even feel with anyone else; you manipulated me so well that I don't feel that I exist without being by your side." you accuse him with tears in your eyes. You're letting them fall freely as you look at his shocked, hurt face. "And every pain you brought me was like fucking heaven. And the worst part of it all is that I would still be your fucking faithful follower and completely surrender my battered soul to you if only you hadn't fucking lied to me."

You let yourself fall apart in front of him. You let him touch you again as he tenderly cups your cheek and pulls your head to his chest. You cry into his kefta, hugging him tightly and digging your fingers into his back as he presses his lips against your head and holds you tightly in his arms.

"I hate you. I hate you." you cry into his chest, inhaling his scent like a drug.

"I will always love you, milaya." he says calmly, but you feel the drops dripping on your hair, and you let yourself believe that they are his own tears as you stand there in each other's arms, clinging desperately to each other.

And I damn sure never would've danced with the devil At nineteen, and the god's honest truth is that the pain was heaven And now that I'm grown I'm scared of ghosts Memories feel like weapons And now that I know I wish you'd left me wondering

Fedyor struggles with Ivan's grip. However, both you and the two heartrenders know that this makes no sense.

The two of you (and Baghra, whose whereabouts you were unaware of) were captured by Aleksander's men. You both actually volunteered. You were supposed to distract attention from the rest of your group of world saviors. Aleksander took the throne as he had predicted. And Ivan now leads you before the new tsar.

You walked through the corridors of the Little Palace, knowing this place all too well by heart, and you wondered if, when Aleksander was building it, he always had in the back of his mind that it would serve as his royal residence in the future. You were actually surprised that his first order wasn't to demolish the Grand Palace.

"Moi tsar." Ivan's voice pulls you from your thoughts. You weren't even aware that you had already reached the throne room.

"Finally. Interrogate the prisoner. Tsaritsa stays here." he says, and you feel his gaze on you, but you don't give him enough satisfaction to grace him with your gaze.

Fedyor swallows. You give him a sympathetic look as he walks away, with Ivan holding him tightly. What can war do to two people in love? You think. At least Fedyor knew how to hate Ivan... not like you.

There's an awkward silence between you for a moment. Only the rustle of his royal kefta and the heavy steps he takes in his shoes make you look up at him. And you hold your breath.

Of course, you had heard the rumours about his visit to the fold, leaving him with souvenir scars from his encounter with volcras, but well... it wasn't your fault that you immediately thought how hotter he was because of them. And with a crown on his head and a black kefta with red embroidery, he looked amazing. He had no right to look like that when you stood in front of him in your brother's oversized shirt and pants borrowed from Inej.

"Tsaritsa?" you finally ask with a sneer, raising an eyebrow at him.

"I knew you'd react to that." he says with a smirk, walking over to you. "I promised you this, remember? And I keep my promises. Even if I didn't really know you, Y/N Rietveld." you flinch at the sound of your real name, which you somehow managed to push from your memory. You also notice his clear reference to what you told him then in the fold. 'You lied to me too. About your identity. A paid killer. That's why you were at the palace, right? That's why I got the cup from you, with poison in it, if I'm not mistaken?"

"As you can see, quite miserable if you're still alive. Besides, I tought telling you half a story was not a laying at all?" you say, looking at him defiantly. He just laughs and stands in front of you, chest to chest, as you stare at one another.

"Is this how it will be now? Using each other's words against each other?"

"You can let me go, and then you won't have to talk to me at all." you say and he laughs, tucking your hair behind your ear and caressing your cheek with his thumb.

His fingers wander along your jaw, to your neck, to your collarbone, to your shoulder, and to the handcuffs on your hands, blocking your power.

"That's not the option. You are staying right where you are, right where you belong. With me." he says, and to your surprise, he removes the handcuffs from you. He takes your hands in his and presses his lips on the small, almost imperceptible marks on your wrists from handcuffs. He also didn't miss the opportunity to fondly stroke the engagement ring he gave you, which is still on your finger. It makes you blush unwillingly. "I can be your monster and force you to stay to make the whole situation easier for you."

"I would never choose you. Blood is thicker than water." you say, furious at his suggestion that you would choose him over your brother.

"But you can't leave without any of this, can you?"

You become silent. Because he's right. You can't live without him, and you have no idea what awaits you next, but you know that you will have to lose someone. And you are afraid of the end result more than anything else.

Suddenly, he stands behind you. You feel his chest rising and falling with each breath on your back as he suddenly raises his hands. There is something heavy, metallic, and heavy on your head. The bastard gave you a damn crown.

"It's you and me, Y/N. And we are all we need anyway." he says and places a kiss on your temple. He presses his nose, inhaling your scent and hugging you tightly, pressing you against him as his shadows circle the room and wrap around the two of you. You can't deny it and say that you don't feel comfortable at all, that you don't feel the relief that his presence once brought you. Because you do. You've always done. "I will give you the world, everything you want... all you have to do is stay."

You don't protest when he places a gentle hand on your jaw and tilts your head to kiss you. You don't try to break free from his grip as he deepens the kiss, expressing all the longing, anger, and affection you feel for each other. And you eagerly push him to his throne, to straddle him and prove that you want him as desperately as he wants you.

Oh, God rest my soul I miss who I used to be The tomb won't close Stained glass windows in my mind I regret you all the time I can't let this go I fight with you in my sleep The wound won't close I keep on waiting for a sign I regret you all the time

You stood next to him. Just like he wanted. This was your plan before you even came back to him. Fedyor also got back into his good graces and gave them information, and you tried to convince your stupid heart that you were doing the right thing. And now you watched as Alina fought with him to destroy the fold.

And you're really prepared for him to die. You replayed this moment a thousand times in your head as you lay by his side in the Little Palace, watching him in his sleeping state.

What you are not ready for, and what the volcras around you make you realise, is life without him. Without his shadows. Without his voice. Without his dark eyes. Without his touch.

You're still trying to fight with it. Convince yourself that you are stronger and that you can do it. But when you see Alina pick up a Grisha steel dagger and aim it at Aleksander's chest, you react automatically.

You link your hands and form a cut faster than you can process it, and in a moment, the Sun Summoner ceases to exist.

It's just you and Aleksander in the fold.

The world stops for you. Your hands shake as you realise what you've done. And if it weren't for Aleksander's quick reaction and logical thinking, the volcra would have sniffed you out before you could take a step. He guides you out of your crease without even stopping for a moment. But you know it doesn't make sense. You will both perish without light.

Volcra attacks you, despite Aleksander's best attempts to keep them away, and cuts your arm. You scream as suddenly a bright light flows out of you along with your blood. Both you and Aleks freeze and stare at the strong beam of light from your shoulder.

Aleksander tightens his grip on you. You feel him as he amplifies the light within you and brings you out of the fold. You stop only when you are a few metres away from it. You kneel on the ground tiredly, mentally both cursing and thanking the saints, because you have no goddamn idea how you survived this and why Alina's powers transferred to you.

Aleksander is quickly at your side and wraps you in his tight embrace, whispering something you don't quite understand yet. You're too focused on the fact that you can't feel his heartbeat anymore. Your own powers are gone...

And with that, you realise that Y/N Rietveld had long been buried six feet deep beneath the walls of the Little Palace when your eyes met the devil you sold your soul to for the first time.

You gently push Aleksander away from you and kiss him, knowing that this is the only thing that can calm the storm of thoughts raging inside you as you absorb new revelations.

The fold claimed many lives. And it will absorb more than one in the future. It was the tomb of many common people as well as Grishas. And you know it buried Y/N Rietveld/Brekker today.

But a completely new person came out of it. Y/N Morozova. And she was no longer going to pretend that her soul knew anything of her old life anymore. She wasn't going to waste another night wondering how her life could've, would've, or should've gone. Not wasting another moment in the arms of the love of her arms, wondering if it was right to care about him. You didn't play it safe. So now you're going to take what life has got for you. And not alone. Never alone anymore.

"Let's go home, Sasha." you ask him, whispering.

And after a tender kiss on the forehead, you know that you couldn't have made a better decision. Maybe your soul has always been under the care of the saints, specifically this Starless one?

In any case, being the devil's wife suited you.

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orchideous-nox · 2 years ago

Text

~☆~ Fic Masterlist ~☆~

Completed fics are sorted by main ship and riiiight at the bottom is any upcoming fics that I'm currently not posting yet but are either being planned or written.

I do not have a writing/posting schedule, my writing gets posted when it's done so I can't make promises of how often I update WIPs!

✨Here is my AO3 profile!✨

My fics are not to be reposted anywhere else, if you want to translate any of my fics or bind one of my fics then please ask permission first!

★☆★

WIPs

see how it shines // band au // E // 19/38 // 59.9k words // wolfstar with background jegulus, rosekiller, marylily, pebill and dorlene

a vow out to the dark //pirate au (part 3 of the come live with me and we can be pirates series) // E // 2/5 // 20.4k words // wolfstar, jily and rosekiller with background dorlene, seabunny and starrynight

★☆★

Completed

Rosekiller

you get me closer to god // demon barty au // E // 1/1 // 4.7k words // rosekiller // graphic depictions of violence knee deep // inspired by casual by chappell roan // E // 5/5 // 55.6k words // rosekiller with background xenodora and dorlene adieu, mon dieu // demon barty au // E // 3/3 // 22.3k words // rosekiller with background dorlene and xenodora // graphic depictions of violence white light in your arms tonight // smut one-shot // E // 3.4k words // 1/1 // rosekiller wishing you the best in the worst way // muggle au // E // 7k words // 1/1 // rosekiller it's never just coffee // coffee shop au // E / 5/5 // 45.3k words // rosekiller with background pandalily and dorlene blood on my shirt, rose in my hand // inspired by Teeth by 5SOS // E // 4.3k words // 1/1 // rosekiller just a little bit colder (part 2 of the save a horse, ride a cowboy series) // cowboy au // E // 18.3k words // 1/1 // rosekiller with background wolfstar what you see is not the dark // pirate au (part 2 of the come live with me and we can be pirates series) // E // 4/4 // 36k words // rosekiller // MCD

Wolfstar

this is our last dance // canon compliant // G // 1k words // 1/1 // wolfstar have to stop the world just to stop the feeling // muggle au // E // 7.1k words // 1/1 // wolfstar with background jegulus second coming in a bathroom stall // muggle au // E // 10.8k // 1/1 // wolfstar bark like you want it, baby // hogwarts smut // E // 3.6k words //1/1 // wolfstar think i need someone older (part 1 of the save a horse, ride a cowboy series) // cowboy au // E // 26k words // 4/4 // wolfstar my insides are red and yours are too (part 1 of the like a goddamn vampire duology) // vampire/hunter au // E // 5.8k words // 1/1 // wolfstar if i don't make it back from where i've gone // pirate au (part 1 of the come live with me and we can be pirates series) // E // 23.1k words // 3/3 // wolfstar with background jily take me where the music ain't too loud // college/uni au // M // 7.5k words // 1/1 // wolfstar the things i do when i picture you // inspired by Picture You by Chappell Roan // E // 3.8k words // 1/1 // wolfstar once the thrill expired // inspired by Cardigan by Taylor Swift // E // 7.7k words // 1/1 // wolfstar looking at you got me thinking christmas // christmas one-shot // E // 4.8k words // 1/1 // wolfstar freak out in a moonage daydream // sirius's birthday one-shot // T // 914 words // 1/1 // wolfstar-ish Starman (part 1 of Sun, Moon and Stars) // record store au // T // 1.8k words // 1/1 // wolfstar She's Always A Woman (part 2 of Sun, Moon and Stars) // record store au // T // 2.7k words // 1/1 // wolfstar and jily

Pandalily

how it glistened as it fell // muggle au // E // 8.7k words // 1/1 // pandalily i'm still counting down all of the days // muggle au // G // 949 words // 1/1 // past pandalily

Jegulus

freezing while he's showering // smut one-shot // E // 3.2k words // 1/1 // jegulus got a lot of sins but you're my favourite (part 2 of the like a goddamn vampire duology) // vampire/hunter au // E // 9k words // 1/1 // jegulus

General/other

pack up the stars, turn off the moon // canon compliant // G // 858 words // 1/1 // no ship the sound of my voice will haunt you (was i just a fool?) // canon compliant // G // 802 words // 1/1 // quillkiller next to infinite skies // canon complain // G // 1.2k words // 1/1 // starrynight (severus/aurora)

Upcoming Fics

watching you try on jeans // E // 1 part // strangers to lovers roommates rosekiller unnamed dorlene meet-cute one-shot fantasy au // E // rosekiller, pandalily, background dorlene and jegulus

If you made it all the way to the bottom then I love you < 3 be gay, do crime

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persephones-journey · 3 months ago

Note

For the writer emoji ask....

all of them

please :3

Well, then...

💖 Which of your fics is your pride and joy?

I... I can't pick....

My House of Stone lol

I love it cause it's so sad and made everyone sad

(my best work)

🎥 Pick a fic and I'll tell you the song I imagine playing during its movie trailer.

For my Aisling/Finan series, it would be Timeless (Taylor's Version) by Taylor Swift. @emilyhufflepufftlk screamed at me it was their song when the album came out and I cannot unhear lol

📝 How many words do you have posted?

2,842,060 on Ao3.... That's not counting the little fics or prompts I have posted on here...

🤩 What's the most meaningful comment you've ever received?

Hmm... I always love when I write an OC character, and someone tells me that it feels like the character actually belongs & fits in with the other characters, like they were there all along. I love that.

🔮What's your favorite plot twist you've ever written?

I haven't written it yet.... 😏

👄 Your OTP are having their first kiss. What song do you imagine is playing?

Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer

🎭What genre of writing comes easiest to you?

Angst... My emotional pain needs to go somewhere

🙊Your coworkers or classmates stumble across one of your fics, but don't know you're the author. Do you fess up? Or keep quiet?

Depends which fic lol

🙌What's a line or paragraph of yours that you're proud of?

Ah.... okay, truthfully... chapter 32 of Through the Dark. I am proud of that entire chapter. Like... I can't pick one thing from it. I love all of it

🦉Is there another author that helped inspire you to write?

Fanfic author?.... I mean, @ms-oswald and @tharros-auris-black-asimi keep giving me ideas for fics, as well as the discord servers I am in... I am surrounded by much more talented writers than I who do inspire me to write more (after I am done crying over how bad my writing is compared to theirs 😭)

👶Fankids: How you do you feel about them? Would your OTP have kids?

Yes.... Have you seen my club of sexy dark haired accented men? Yes, they have kids lol

🐗How do you handle trolls?

By telling my friends and watching as my friends ride off to battle and destroy them lol

🟥How long do you spend in edits?

edits? Like editing?... I don't know her

🏡What is your perfect writing envrionment?

Music/tv show on with a snack along with my drink, usually at night (middle of the night) so no one else can hear me whisper the dialogue outloud

💪What motivates you to write?

The ideas in my head. Like, I just need to get them out.

🚿Where do your best ideas seem to strike?

In the shower.... Or right after I close the laptop and get ready for bed

🌠What are your top three most commonly used tags on AO3?

Dead Dove: Do Not Eat (21)

Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot (19)

Smut (16)

Seems about right.....

💻What do you write your stories on? Laptop, phone, paper, etc.

laptop.... Although, my first fanfic I wrote, for Supernatural, I wrote that baby by hand first lol I still got the collection of notebooks

🤔What are some words or phrases you find yourself overusing?

Shrugged... leaned... raised their eyebrows... anything smut related

📕How do you feel about people printing your fics?

It's fine.... as long as I am getting a copy if you bind it all pretty

🤷‍♀️What's a fic you didn't expect to be popular, but really took off?

....All of them....

🍎What's something you learned while researching for a fic?

Gigglemug is someone who is always smiling or grinning... comes from Victorian England lol

🥘What wip are you most excited about?

Ahh... like 3 fics I am writing using the movie The Lake House as inspiration for 3 different fandoms....

🦗Do you write in sequence or jump around?

In sequence....

(don't look at my Erys series)

👀 Would you ever accept requests or commissions?

Sometimes....

😱What's your greatest fear as a fanfic writer?

Someone stealing my fics and using them to get published.

☕Coffee or tea while you write?

Water... or something stronger lol

📈Which are your top three most popular fics by bookmarks?

A Targaryen Heart Set A Blaze

The Tales of The Complete Non-Legend of Yesterday

I Wanna Swim in You

🎬One of your fics gets turned into a TV series. Which one is it and what network is it on?

My A Thousand Years series.... and HBO lol Like.... yeah, HBO to really do the sex scenes justice lol

🛌 What's a trope you haven't written, but want to?

I dunno... I can't think of any...

🐸 If you incorporated your OTP into a Disney movie plot, which would it be?

Beauty and the Beast.... My fave

👩‍🎓 Do you have an 'official' creative writing background such as a degree or previous experience publishing?

I did have a few short stories published after entering a few contests....

⏳If you could go back in time and tell your younger writer self something, what would it be?

Outline. GIRL OUTLINE BEFORE YOU WRITE.

💯 What rating do you write the most? Gen Audiences, Teen, Mature, or Explicit? How many fics at that rating do you have?

Explicit (116) .... *shocking to no one*

😁What makes you happiest? New fic comments, kudos, bookmarks, user subscribers, story subscribers, or Tumblr asks?

Comments. I LOVE COMMENTS. And messages or asks on tumblr screaming about my fics. The kudos and everything else are great, but the comments make me smile and giddy

🐎 Would you ever do a medieval or pirate au?

I mean... I could... maybe one day...

👩‍🏫Pick a character and I'll tell you their favorite season and why.

All my OC characters hate spring and fall... (because I hate spring and fall...) I'm kidding... or am I???

🎵Do you make playlists for your fics?

Some of them. Sometimes I just listen to whatever

🌷What's one of your fics that isn't as popular, but you hold dear?

'Cause you should've seen him when he first saw me.

I love it and really did like actual research for it. It's my baby, in some ways.

❓Insert your own question here!

okay... why do you like my fics?.....or do I not want to know lol

#answered ask #girl you really made me look at my stats lol

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makeyoumine69 · 2 years ago

Text

The Light in the Darkness 2

— PAIRING: Patrick Bateman x Fem!Reader

— SUMMARY: Patrick has always seen himself as an outcast with no desire for ties that would bind him to anyone or anything. He never even considered having a future with anyone else, but you came into his life and rocked his world. One morning, as he comforts you from a nightmare, Patrick realizes how ready he is to take the first step toward building the bright future he so desperately wants by your side.

— CONTAINS: Smut, fluff, hurt/comfort, established relationship, somnophilia, oral (reader receiving), fingering, unprotected sex (p in v), creampie, possessive behavior, Breeding kink, Size kink, Praise kink, body worship, nipple play, dirty talk, pet names, sweet & horny Patrick Bateman himself.

— WORDS: 1.5k

— SONG REC: Taylor Swift - Ready For It

— A/N: I just couldn't ignore my need to write some smut with breeding kink and possessive Patty. Many thanks to my dearest @sleeplessphantom for all the inspiration and support you give me. I love y'all and hope you like it!🖤

— LINKS: [MASTERLIST] [Part 1] [support]💗

Screaming, you were falling into the abyss, not realizing it was a dream. Not yet. Cold fear and numbing despair consumed you faster than the speed at which you were falling, and you didn't even know what to do, it seemed that no one was going to save you — you were alone, and that feeling was the most painful for you to bear. Loneliness was destructive and devastating, but when you met Patrick, you finally understood what it was like — to be loved, to be needed, to have a person who genuinely cared for you.

Your slight fidgeting was enough for Bateman to wake up and carefully check on you. With a gentle movement, he rolled you onto your back, pulled the blanket down, and ran his finger over your tense face as if he already knew what was going on.

"It's okay, Bunny," he murmured, dipping down your neck to plant small kisses along your sensitive skin. "I got you."

You jerked as his large palm slid across your rapidly rising chest, teasing your hard nipples that were too tempting to ignore. Slowly, Patrick tugged down the straps of your nightgown, exposing your lovely breasts and gasping at how inviting they looked. To be fair, the urge to fuck you senselessly had been tormenting him since he came home, but your mental state was far more important to him than his own physical needs. Of course, if it were anyone else in your place, he wouldn't think about their feelings for a second. But you? You were his exception, his true obsession.

"Mmhmm... Patty," you whimpered in your dream at the gentle touch on your cleavage, but then a muffled moan escaped your dry lips as Patrick's plump ones wrapped around one of your swollen little tips and sucked it hungrily. "Patrick!"

The dream had changed, and you stopped falling, but your heart began to beat even faster as the electrifying sensation in your lower abdomen became stronger, especially when Bateman caught another nipple between his fingers, twisting and pinching it so skillfully that you squealed again, and this time it was really loud.

"Babydoll," he purred in a charming voice against your lips, watching you frown and breathe heavily. "You sound so sweet. Mmm, the things I want to do with you," Patrick slowly traced a wet line down your neck and licked the artery that was pulsating really fast. "I hope you will excuse my little weakness."

With that, he made his way down your pretty little body, pausing on your stomach to plant a loving kiss — Bateman did his best to control himself, even though his inner beast yearned to be unleashed.

"Ahhh," you almost choked on the air at how good his mouth felt on your oozing, taut lower lips. "Mmm—please..."

The sight of your sleeping, fragile form, along with your innocent pleading and intoxicating taste, made his lungs burn with need as he was overwhelmed by surging desire.

"I'll give you even more than that, Bunny." He said, spreading your legs wider, making himself more comfortable between them to have better access to your juicy pussy.

At first, Patrick just drew a wet line across your inner hip, but then he moved down to your mound, kissing it and nuzzling against your tender flesh as he moaned softly at how tasty you were. You nearly sobbed with the pleasure his warm tongue was giving you, sliding over your delicate petals and sometimes brushing your sensitive bud just to tease it.

"Awwww," you whimpered briefly as he rested your leg on his shoulder and slipped two fingers into your dripping opening just to make you feel full. "Patty..."

You were the only one Bateman allowed to call him that because he just found it extremely sexy, but he never confessed about it. Huffing, Patrick lapped at your pussy, holding you tighter as you jerked from the tingling in your lower abdomen every time the tip of his strong tongue flicked against your blushing clit.

The power he had over you was too tempting, too mind-blowing, and at some point Patrick thought he couldn't take it anymore, so he slowly pulled down his white underwear and stroked himself while he was eating you out. With every single lick your body was on fire and Bateman was relentless in the way he devoured you, catching every little drop of your sweetness and ignoring the way his chiseled chin was covered in your wetness, glistening in the sunlight.

"My perfect little Bunny." He groaned in a low voice, sending vibrations to your little nub, and your legs began to shake. Smirking, Bateman just chuckled at your body's reaction and straightened up a bit to cover your small frame with his muscular one. "I love you so much."

With these words, he drew close to your neck and slowly kissed it while he lined his veiny dick against your soaked entrance, smearing your juices around his swollen tip. The urge to be inside of you was unbearable, he even had to bite his lips to suppress a loud moan as he began to sheath himself inside your tight little hole.

It felt astonishing, his fat girth stretching you so deliciously that your inner walls spasmed around him, forcing your eyes wide open — you tried to scream, but he closed your mouth with his big palm and pushed himself further until you felt him poking at your cervix. And that sensation made you feel so numb that you almost bit one of his fingers.

"Shh, Babydoll," he murmured, watching you bat your big eyelashes in such an innocent way that it drove him crazy. "You can take it."

With a mischievous smile, he grabbed your hip and rammed deeper into you, the curve of his dick hitting all the right spots in your womb as he knew your body better than anything in this world. Whimpering, you didn't even notice how you were moving towards him, looping your legs around his back, so he could push himself even deeper. His long, raw strokes, accomplished by the friction of his pubis against your feverish clit, provided you with the release you needed for so long. As soon as Bateman felt you clinging to him, he replaced his hand with his lips, kissing you hard and sucking your tongue. Moaning, you clutched at his massive shoulders, and this time you fell into the chasm of pleasure and delight.

"That's my girl, such a good little girl," he crooned from above as he broke away from your lips and finally let you breathe properly. "I'm gonna pump that delicious pussy, I want to watch my cum pour out of you!"

The things he just blurted out made your heart skip a beat and your eyes widen in shock: "Patrick… you didn't use a condom?"

Bateman just snickered and pounded into your wet cunt with a plap."Remember—argh—r-remember you told me you wanted to have a baby?"

God, his words made you want to scream.

"Yes," you felt a tear roll down your cheek, you couldn't believe this was really happening. "B-but you told me you weren't ready."

"I changed my mind," he tongued your earlobe briefly before cupping your face and wiping away your tear, making you look into his brown eyes. "You're so small and cute, you're going to look so beautiful with your pregnant bump."

Instinctively, you hugged his neck and pulled him closer to kiss his cheekbone, his nose, his temple, you covered his face with little pecks wherever you could as you found yourself unable to hold back your emotions.

"I love you!" Your voice almost cracked, so you tried to say it again, but he stopped you with a finger, pressing you down with his massive weight, thrusting his hips into yours with a slapping sound.

"'Yeah, I know," he gave you his perfect, full-toothed grin, kissed your forehead, and then grasped your hips, nearly painfully, to bury himself as deep as he could. "Open up for me, Bunny… let me make you a sweet Mommy."

"Yes… y-yes please!" You moaned as you felt his thrusts become ragged but sloppy.

Fuck, the way your soft walls encased his dick felt like heaven. With a guttural sound, Patrick nipped at your neck, rolled his hips and exploded right into your womb, filling it with his fertile seed and plugging it with his pulsating dick. Never in your life have you shared a more intimate moment than this, and as he lay on top of you, sniffing really hard, you ran your fingers through his messy wet hair, sobbing from being so overwhelmed as you realized that he had just planted a seed of love inside you, and soon it would grow, and your future child would be the light in the darkness for both of you, shining and making you both happy like never before.

P.S. Thank you for reading until the end! I don’t have a taglist. You can follow my side blog @makeyoumineagain and turn on notifications to know when I update!

#american psycho #patrick bateman x reader #patrick bateman imagine #patrick bateman #patrick bateman x female reader #patrick bateman x you #slasher x reader #slashers x reader #slasher x you #slasher smut #patrick bateman smut #patrick bateman headcanon #christian bale smut #christian bale x reader #patrick bateman reader #christian bale #patrick bateman imagines

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the-priestess-of-dawn · 1 year ago

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it's not love but i still want you: a toxic chrima playlist

Tracklist + thoughts under the cut

1. L.A. LOOKS - HEALTH

I want another life (Don't hold your breath) I want to try again (But you can't swim) But it's not love It's not love It's not love, but I still want you It's not love, it's not love It's not love, but I still want you (It's still us)

2. Suffer - Hurts

Touch me and make me feel your misery And play me like you play your twisted little symphony 'Cause I'm just addicted to you, I'm just addicted to you I'm just addicted to the way you get the worst of me

3. Fight for Me -AlicebanD

I'll make you cry for me and lie for me (I'll make you cry for me) And bleed for me and die for me (And die for me) But most I'll make you right for me I'm sure I'm right for you

4. Follow You - Bring Me The Horizon

Show me what I can't see when the spark in my eyes is gone You got me on my knees, I'm your one-man cult Cross my heart and hope to die Promise you I'll never leave your side

5. Hate That You Know Me - Bleachers

Sometimes I, I hate that you know me so well Some days I, I wish that I wasn't myself No luck! And I hate that you know me so well

6. My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys - Taylor Swift

My boy (My boy), only breaks his favorite toys, toys, oh I'm queen (I'm queen), of sand castles he destroys, oh, oh 'Cause I knew too much, there was danger in the heat of my touch He saw forever, so he smashed it up, oh, oh

7. Shadows - Red

There's a hate inside of me like some kind of master I tried to save you but I can't find the answer I'm holding onto you, I'll never let go I need you with me as I enter the shadows

8. Get Away - CHVRCHES

I'll be your guide so you can see The other side and I will never let you get away Never let you get away

And so they continued on eternally, partners never to be parted.

So yeah, I'm back with another mini playlist curated from my main one, this one focused on toxic chrima inspired by Fell Exalt Chrom and his Forging Bonds, but not staying 100% true to that canon because that Grima is able to send Chrom away to have a better time in Askr, and we're not having any of that nonsense in THIS playlist, oh no. The invisible ties that bind them have been dyed red in blood, and there is no escaping fate when they'd both choose ruin over breaking that bond.

The songs I used here aren't necessarily in a particular order in a narrative sense, though they are grouped in pairs corresponding to Grima's POV followed by Chrom's POV. I did take care to make sure that My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys was paired with Hate That You Know Me because of the "I knew too much" line—in my mind, this ties into Grima trying to harshly distance himself from the past he shared with Chrom, insisting that the Robin Chrom knew is dead and that Chrom will never be reunited with him, because he thinks that it would be less painful for Chrom to believe there is nothing human in him left than to be constantly looking for signs that his partner is still himself... even though the signs are all there and not too hard to pick up on for someone who knows Grima well.

I also deliberately ended the playlist with Get Away because it's a sort of... lighter note than the rest. It also pairs particularly well with Shadows just before it because "I'll be your guide so you can see" is a perfect response to "Caught in the darkness, I go blind/Can you help me find my way out?" Even though this is toxic chrima, there's still relief from their despair to be found in each other. This also plays nicely with Follow You from earlier in the playlist, "Crossing your heart and hoping to never let you get away" serving as a callback to "Cross your heart and hope to die/Promise me you'll never leave my side" and "Cross my heart and hope to die/Promise you I'll never leave your side." I really like the way that worked out. Grima, you are never getting away from your other half, and that is both a threat and a promise.

#chrom x grima #chrobin #fire emblem awakening #fe13 #fanmix #playlist #i actually had the playlist prepared like a week ago but then resplendent grima's lines were datamined and. well. i was distracted #but now we've all had time to calm down about him right?#resplendent party's winded down now we can retire to the drawing room to enjoy some toxic doomed chrima #Spotify

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pearlprincess02 · 1 year ago

Text

taylor swift and harry styles composite chart

sun

capricorn sun: capricorn sun in the composite is all about ambition. this relationship exists to reach success and complete desired goals. these people create an energy of purpose that seeks to accomplish. this placement is very binding until both people feel that they have reached the desired goal. there are certain expectations in these relationships as they hold each other to a high standard.

sun in 3rd house: composite sun in the third house deals with youth. similar to gemini sun in the composite, this placement is great for friendships. there’s a lot of communication and humor involved. these people don’t take each other seriously, but in the best way. i also find this placement indicates that the people involved begin to steal each other’s lingo/hobbies, it’s so cute.

moon

leo moon: “Let’s not get caught up in the craziness of this world. Instead, let’s be our own little crazies.” comfort is felt most when both are able to express emotions freely and authentically. creative expressions must be met for the two of you to feel that you’re in touch with your emotions. there is just this lighthearted energy when the two of you come together; you are able to let loose and just have fun. doing activities or spending trips together are things both of you are fond of. together, you may not mind being the center of attention and both love to socialize with others. just do not get caught up in caring too much about what other people say about your relationship.

moon in 9th house: there is agreement about their life views, philosophies, morality. sharing of abstract ideas, there's quite a lot of conversation in this placement. even if they have different backgrounds and moral views with this placement they will find a way to agree on each other's perceptions, or to have some kind of shared ideal, common ground. it's not a position that provides a lot of intellectual growth for the two people because we do tend to have agreement that's already built in. so there isn't a curiosity outside of what's going on between them. So they can enforce each other's beliefs, provide more of a concreteness to each other's philosophies or ideas. "I believe in what you believe."

rising/ 1st house:

scorpio rising: others might find your relationship more closed off or mysterious. you project intensity and depth. this placement would make for the least superficial relationship and you are both very susceptible to each other’s emotions and passionate with one another. issues with jealousy and possessiveness can arise.

pluto in 1st house: you are both conduits for dramatic transformation in each other’s lives. you both are magnetically drawn to each other as you inspire each other’s power, confidence and attraction energy. yet you can also easily inspire each other to make significant changes especially to your outward ambition and even physical appearance. through this relationship you are both likely to help usher in dramatic changes that alter the way others see you both as individuals. you can influence each other to become more focused and determined to succeed in your ambitions. you may also help each other release fears and insecurities so you can better embrace your true purpose and shared mission together.

mercury

aquarius mercury: talking to each other can feel like talking to a lifelong friend, they may have different ways of thinking but they will never judge or laugh at each other, on the contrary, these same differences can unite them. the conversations will be varied and you will love to talk about your future together to plan it. they may like to play video games together, go out with friends, do things they never dared to do. the other brings out their most intrepid and rebellious side. both accept those sides of the other that were judged by others.

mercury in 3rd house: even if they are introverted people, the conversation between them will be something unique and something that will fascinate them. they are the typical couple that has an open communication, they tell each other everything, from the most profound things to the most trivial, they enjoy each other's company as they do not do with anyone else and there will never be moments of awkward silence. they will think alike and want to know more and more about each other. not talking or being close to the other person can make them sad, they are a boost for the other. both will show each other many new things and admire each other for this.

venus

aquarius venus: your relationship is filled with surprises and you both love keeping each other guessing. this relationship can be a catalyst for dramatic change. you may come into each other’s lives at an unusual time or help each other break away from stagnation. your love is quirky, eccentric, and breaks all the rules of romance. yet you are both sentimental and affectionate in your own ways. you may have your own routines, traditions, or even language when it comes to showing love. you both pride yourselves on breaking tradition. your romance is unorthodox and may be shocking to others, but the excitement keeps you both invested. you each understand the importance of space and breathing room in the relationship as well. neither will crowd the other. yet you can both get into a complicated situation as both partners will want to feel heard and seen but neither of you wants to be vulnerable. be careful not to expect your partner to read your mind.

venus in the 3rd house: the shared pleasure seeking is very much centered in mental things. shared opinions about the type of facts that they will focus on. it's a cerebral venus, not very common in romantic relationships. but there's a lot to share when it comes to world events, small talk, appreciate each other's point of view, even if it's different, it will be always interesting to learn about. they love this in this placement. they can feel their mind appreciated. free will of opinions, thoughts and ideas.

mars

sagittarius mars: the moment they become a couple, both can have a more hopeful vision of the future, they feel more happy and motivated. they both hope to be able to grow together and experience the good and joyful side of love. high sex drive, they make sex fun while at the same time feeling that it takes on a deeper meaning. will love the idea of teaching each other new things in the sexual field and will be very receptive to them. this couple is very open about the differences that may exist between them, they love the idea of knowing all the things that are going through each other's heads. they love to experience things together and can have experiences they never thought they would ever experience. they help each other see things in a different way and dare to feel and try new things. In discussions, both will have their point of view very clear and will try to understand their partner's, they will not want it to escalate and they won’t take the difficulties that arise very seriously.

mars in the 2nd house: physical contact is of utmost importance for both of you, you may want to be close constantly. they can give many gifts to each other spontaneously and have details regardless of whether something is celebrated or not. you may be surprised at how quickly you felt like you wanted to become intimate with each other. there is a lot of sensuality and they focus a lot on making their partner feel pleasure. this couple is motivated to create stability and security for both of them. they can help each other boost their self-esteem, as they will actively value all the good things they perceive about their partner.

celeb's masterlist / 1H - 6H / 7H - 12H

crds:

composite sun

composite moon + house

composite rising

composite mercury

composite venus + house

composite mars

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bigreputation92592 · 10 months ago

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"A Song Born from My Journey—Inspired by You, Taylor!"

Hi Taylor Swift,

I hope this message finds you well. My name is Kelly Sagiv, and I’ve been a huge fan of your music for as long as I can remember. Your songs have always spoken to me on such a deep level, and they’ve been a source of strength and inspiration throughout my life. @taylorswift @taylornation

I recently wrote a song about my personal journey, which I’d love to share with you. At ten years old, my life was forever changed by a car accident that left me quadriplegic and unable to speak. Despite everything, I found strength in my struggles and have been fighting every day to reclaim my life and my voice.

This song is a reflection of that journey—a story of resilience, determination, and hope. Your music has been a guiding light for me, and I thought you might appreciate hearing how it influenced and inspired this piece.

Unfortunately, I’m unable to sing the song myself, so I was hoping that you might consider taking a look at it, perhaps even editing it to make it sound amazing and fabulous. If it resonates with you, it would mean the world to me if you could record it and bring it to life with your voice.

@taylorswift @taylornation Thank you for all that you do. Your music has touched so many lives, including mine, and I’m incredibly grateful for that.

Wishing you all the best,

Kelly Sagiv

I hope you enjoy it 😘😘💖💖

Verse 1: I was born into a world of light, A voice so loud, a life so free. Ten years of joy, ten years of dreams, But fate had other plans one fateful day, A crash, a moment, everything stripped away.

Pre-Chorus: But I won’t break, I won’t give in, A fighter’s soul burns deep within. From the shadows, I’ll rise again, Through the pain, I find my strength.

Chorus: I’m a warrior, I stand tall, Through every tear, I break the wall. Blink by blink, I claim my ground, In the silence, I’m profound. I’ve got the fire, I’ve got the fight, I’m a storm, a force, pure might. I won’t back down, I won’t retreat, In my veins, the battle beats.

Verse 2: Therapy days, battles to win, Fighting to move, to feel again. Mouthing words, no voice to share, But in my heart, I’m loud and clear.

Pre-Chorus: I won’t give up, I’ll stand my ground, In every challenge, strength is found. With every breath, I push ahead, Through the storm, I’m never dead.

Bridge: Every scar’s a mark of pride, Proof that I’ve fought and never died. In every fall, I rise up higher, In the flames, I’m the fire. No chains can hold, no fear can bind, In my soul, a warrior’s mind.

Outro: Unshakable, I’m unchained, Through every storm, my strength’s retained. No defeat, just victory clear, This is my roar, for all to hear. With every breath, I seize the day, In every fight, I pave my way.

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clarynewme · 11 months ago

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https://www.tumblr.com/clarynewme/757357054729060352/hi-may-i-have-a-celebrity-ship-with-niki

Hi. I’m from Hanoi. You can use any type of chart you want cause I actually don’t know which type is better. Thank you🙏

First of all Nikki is a cutie and hottie🫰I got very mysterious and unique vibes from him at first glance (scorpio/aquarius).

For your reading I am going to try use vedic astrology.

I was right he has aquarius purva bhadrapada moon and jyestha scorpio moon. We don't know his rising but I've read a post on Twitter with his possible western rising signs: virgo,libra,scorpio,sag.

I am leading towards scorpio or virgo in western and in vedic swati or Uttaraphalguni rising.

Anyways I am not gonna consider rising. Instead I am going to use his moon as 1st house/rising.

Right of the bat your leo purva phalguni moon is opposite his purva bhadrapada moon and would fall on his 7th house this would mean he would feel like you are both meant to be together he would see you as his future spouse👀🥰. Your opposite moons complete each other very much twinflame vibes where you mirror one another and butting heads while still loving each other deeply and unconditionally, it's all about balance and accepting each other's flaws.

Now your aries sun conjunct saturn and mars would fall in his 3rd house of communication,siblings, technology conjunct his mars. This to me indicates that you would be very Blunt with one another communicating actively and discussing topics maybe having petty fights, sharing your passions, you might have car trips. However the saturn aspect could bring some conflicts/delays with communicating to one another it might be difficult for him to open up at first and you would have to be careful with your words you might criticize him, his way of speaking or even his sisters, his drive and ambitions. You would have to be careful about that.

I see that you could see him as an ideal marriage partner as well with your aqua jupiter conjunct his moon: soulmate aspect where you would bring him positivity, abundance like ideas/inspiration/money; you would make him happy.

Your ketu/rahu affecting his 1st/7th house axis from moon which means ketu is conjunct his moon. This aspect can be either good or bad depending on the energies of each chart if he has ketu energies this aspect would benefit: you would feel familiar to one another at first glance, you would feel you know each other since forever and the love would last otherwise it can show dissipating emotions and feelings over time and he would probably feel like he doesn't love you anymore and eventually break apart 😅 since it's aquarius it's probably boredom/independence that would separate you guys.

Your mercury conjunct venus in pisces would fall on his 2nd house so you guys could love talking about finances/security/shared values and building a family. You probably are very attracted to his voice/face/neck/aesthetics/style and maybe his values when it comes to spirituality/music/creativity and dreams (pisces). He would feel a strong desire to make love with you, very sensual vibes🔥 You would be spoiling each other with gifts and physical touch is very on brand😚🤗.

And your venus+mercury are conjunct his rahu so at first the connection would be uncomfortable and confusing you would be reluctant to start this relationship but with time you would be more and more obsessed and in love with each other. He would make you feel appreciated and even more beautiful. This aspect could be very binding and strong if you both have patience and persistence. A lot of couples have this an example would be Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift (venus conjunct rahu).

To find out more you could check Camila Regina tiktok.

His moon would be in your 3rd house making you feel energised around him and can't stop thinking of him, probably banther/flirting, very intellectual and playful debates; he would intuitively understand your emotions.

His sun conjunct mercury would fall in your 12th house you might have dreams of one another; this would be a very spiritual/psychic relationship; You would have to be careful cause he could illuminate the deepest parts inside you that you are not aware of perhaps fears and traumas. There is also the theme of idealization and misunderstandings. I notice this 12th house overlay a lot in synastry between fans/secret admirers and celebrities crushes.

His saturn in cancer is in your 8th house which might bring delays or issues around intimacy and money/finances (it could be hard to advance things in the bedroom) and since it's square your sun/mars/mercury 5th house he could judge/nitpick your personality/hobbies/drive/goals. Sun square saturn is actually a dealbreaker because the saturn could try to control the other person. You might love each other but the relationship wouldn't last very long you(the sun person) would become frustrated and blocked.

His bharani mars falls in your 5th house stellium involiving creativity, kids,fertility, dating, having fun, dancing could be a hobbie you both share, amusement Park dates. With saturn there it would be a serious relationship it could take a while to start dating.

His cap venus falls into your 2nd house so almost the same themes I've said before except that he would probably would like the way you work, love your hardworking nature.

His jupiter libra falls into your 11th house so he would expand your friend circle, social networking, creativity; inspire you to do charity maybe and follow your dreams, etc.

Last but not least the DK Darakaraka lowest degree planet is what one lack or needs in a partner.

In your case you have aries saturn DK conjunct sun and mars in 5th house so a mature person (could be older or just wise) with childlike energy, creative, fighter, active, strong, romantic and passionate. Niki actually has saturn energy from his aqua moon and mars energy (aries mars and scorpio sun). So he exhibits qualities you need in a partner.

On the other hand Niki has mercury DK in scorpio conjunct so he would need someone curious about taboo/occult topics, communcicative and intense. You don't have mercury or scorpio placements but if we consider the ruler of his mercury sign meaning aries bharani mars he would soon Discover that you actually have the qualities he needs in order to grow.

Okay I think I am done. Probably next time I would use other techniques and a less lenghtier version 😅😅😅 This was my first time🫣 Anyways I hope you like your celebrity ship reading if you do leave feedback on my page🙏 And let me know if it resonates👌it helps improving my readings🫶💜

P.S You could check out @lilmajorshawty💋 and @elysiansparadise😇 posts for more info on synastry.

#celebrity readings #kpop ships #vedic astrology

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escapingrealityforamoment · 2 years ago

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In a garden adorned with lights, two souls connect under the stars, creating a magical beginning. Inspired by Taylor Swift's "Enchanted."

The evening was aglow with the soft shimmer of fairy lights, casting a magical aura over the garden. It was a night of celebration, an event that promised enchantment from the moment it began. I stood amidst the crowd, a sense of anticipation mingling with the gentle rustle of leaves in the breeze.

As the night progressed, laughter and music filled the air, creating an atmosphere that seemed to defy the bounds of reality. It was in this enchanting setting that I saw him for the first time—a figure that appeared almost ethereal in the midst of the revelry.

His gaze met mine from across the garden, and in that instant, time seemed to stand still. It was as if the world around us had faded into the background, leaving only the two of us in a cocoon of shared recognition. His eyes held a depth, a curiosity that mirrored my own.

I found myself drawn towards him, my steps guided by an invisible thread that seemed to bind us together. As I approached, his lips curved into a gentle smile, a silent acknowledgment of the connection that had sparked between us.

"Hi," he said, his voice a melody that resonated within me.

"Hello," I replied, the word carrying a weight of unspoken questions.

We talked, our words flowing like a river of shared thoughts and experiences. It was a conversation that felt familiar, as if we were picking up the threads of a dialogue that had been paused in another lifetime.

The night waned on, the stars casting their silvery glow upon us. Our laughter blended with the music, creating a symphony of shared moments. And as the night reached its crescendo, he extended his hand towards me.

"May I have this dance?" he asked, his eyes holding a promise that went beyond words.

I placed my hand in his, and we moved together, our steps aligning as if we had practiced this dance a thousand times before. With every twirl, every dip, it was as if the world had become an extension of the magic that existed between us.

As the final notes of the song hung in the air, he held me close, his breath mingling with mine. It was a moment frozen in time, a moment that held the promise of beginnings and endless possibilities.

The night wore on, but our connection remained unwavering. We talked, we laughed, and with every passing moment, it was as if the enchantment that surrounded us had seeped into our souls.

As the first light of dawn painted the sky with hues of pink and gold, he looked at me, his gaze unwavering. "This has been a night I won't forget."

I nodded, my heart echoing his sentiment. "It's as if the universe conspired to bring us here."

He smiled, his fingers gently brushing against mine. "Maybe it did."

And as the sun continued its ascent, casting a warm glow over the garden, I couldn't help but feel that this night had been more than just a chance encounter. It had been a moment of enchantment, a reminder that sometimes, in the most unexpected places, we find the people who mirror our own magic—a magic that transcends time, space, and anything the universe might place in our path.

#jonah hauer king #jonah hauer king imagine #prince eric #prince eric imagine #the little mermaid #jonah hauer king x reader #prince eric live action #the little mermaid live action

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pmwritesandpoems · 2 years ago

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A Timeless Hogwarts Legacy: Enchanted to Meet You (1/16)

Fandom: Hogwarts Legacy Main Title: A Timeless Hogwarts Legacy Pairing: Ominis Gaunt/Original Female Character Tags: Romance; Hurt/Comfort; Angst; Fluff; Friendship; Mutual Pining Chapters: 16

Summary: Long graduated and in the cusp of young adulthood, Evelyn Rose, the "Hero of Hogwarts" finds an even harder trial to conquer than defeating evil goblin and protecting unknown dangerous ancient magic, when she sees certain Salazar Slytherin's descendant who she fallen for standing at the altar with someone else. Little did she know, a legacy she gained from Hogwarts will manifest itself even in conditions that make it nearly impossible to exist, and help her.

Notes: I posted this on my AO3. But decided to post this here as well.

This work is fully inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album, Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) AND is my first fanfic for...ever?

Chapter: 1/16 Title: Enchanted to Meet You Word Count: 5,952

Reminder:

I won't mention the main character house, you could choose her house yourself

You could change my original character name with yours, I’ll try my best to not mention her skin, hair, and eye colour so you could match it with your own.

I am no expert of the Victorian era, the use of the calendar system, etiquette, and many other things from the said era are changed as I see fit to support the story. Several insertions of modern era culture will be present as well to support the story.

You could also read this on AO3.

I tried my best to write this despite the fact that English is not my first language. I hope you’ll still understand and even have fun reading this!

p.s. please don't hesitate to comment if you'd like!

1. Enchanted to Meet You

Present Time, Spring 1895

Evelyn Rose had no intention of coming in the first place. She dreads the day she received the letter and even tried to burn it as soon as she saw his handwriting on the envelope. But alas, here she is. The cold white marble and green carpet greet her footsteps as she enters the foyer of the grand mansion with her head down.

“You could at least elevate your chin so that everyone may admire your beauty.”

Evelyn startles as she hears someone talking beside her all of a sudden. She turns and sees a brown-haired gentleman to her left, who is smiling warmly with the same freckles and bright brown eyes she has known for more than four years. Her shock quickly turns into happiness.

“Sebastian!” She exclaims and smiles at the brunette. “Long time no see, old friend.”

Oh, how she misses him. It has been a long time since they met in person, with all her duties as the liaison officer for the goblin office in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures and his duties as the matron apprentice at St. Mungo’s, they find it hard to even just send owls to each other. Several letters that they had exchanged in the past three years since their graduation are not enough to compensate for her longing for her brother through friendship. It’s also been years since she visited Feldcroft. So, Evelyn follows her whim and hugs him tight, not minding the social etiquette.

“Oof,” Sebastian huffs as he feels Evelyn’s sudden hug, to which he replies happily. With his arm wrapping her like a cocoon, Sebastian says to her hair, “I miss you too, Eve.” Evelyn felt how much he misses him too through their hug.

After a while, Sebastian begins to move his arms away. “I should let you go now, since people are staring,” he explains.

“They’re probably searching for the rings on our hands with that spectacle.” Evelyn chuckles and reluctantly lets Sebastian go. “Sorry for that,” She says sheepishly, tucking a rogue strand of her hair in.

“No need to be sorry. And they won’t find it since it’s not us who are getting married today.” Sebastian chuckles and teases, “And also, if I my memory doesn't fail me, I have not and have no plans to bind myself to someone till the last of my breath in the near future.”

Evelyn’s heart stops for a second after she hears Sebastian. To be reminded again of where and for what she came here today is rather painful. She takes a deep breath and answers sadly, “Yes, it’s not us.”

“Hey, don’t be so glum.” She feels Sebastian’s hand on her shoulder. He tries to cheer her up. “At least it’s not a bad venue, huh?”

Evelyn sighs and tries to smile as brightly as she can. She looks up and finally appreciates the foyer in its full glory. In awe, she asks, “I thought... Didn’t Ominis say that his family fortune was depleted rather quickly?”

Sebastian shrugs. “Maybe his engagement brings new fortunes to the empty treasury?”

“Well, it’s certainly beautiful.” Evelyn’s eyes scan the foyer with astonishment. It is grand, very grand that Evelyn feels she has been transported to royalty’s castle. The rich sure live in a very different way. The enormous sparkling chandelier above nearly makes her forget the pain. But it all comes back as her gaze moves down and lands on an enormous door. It is made from wood and carved with beautiful snakes and ivy patterns with a familiar family crest in its center.

Evelyn and Ominis were standing on the shore of the black lake. They stood in silence, the gentle ripples of water brushing over their shoes.

With his delicate skin caressed by the warm sun, Ominis appeared ethereal. She could practically see how beautiful the constellations of beauty marks on his left cheek were, connected by his faintly visible veins, as she stood to his left. He was both beautiful and terrifying at the same time. The classic traits of Gaunts, enchanting yet dangerous, as Sebastian had said.

Evelyn broke the silence after she saw Ominis holding something between his right thumb and forefinger. “Such a shiny ring you got there, Ominis.” She said softly.

Ominis’s lips curled in disdain. “More like a bloody ring.”

Evelyn didn’t miss the resentment in Ominis’s voice, but she decided to continue, “Is that yours?”

Ominis sighed, his voice becoming strained in sorrow. “It’s my late aunt’s.”

“Oh…”

Silence came between them once again. Evelyn should have guessed it when she saw the size of the ring. It was too small, even for Ominis’s slender fingers. It could probably only fit on his little finger.

Ominis probably felt how intense her gaze was since he gave her a clearer view of the ring by moving it to his open left hand. Evelyn smiled and began to try to note all the details of the ring. Silently thanking Ominis’s sensitivity. It was clearly made of gold and had no jewel stones. But it could still be considered a beautiful ring, even in its simplicity. It has an engraving of a crest, which is a shield of scales with two snakes facing each other in its center and what Evelyn assumed to be thorny ivy tendrils on both its sides.

With her curiosity overcoming her guilt, Evelyn finally asked, “Is that your family crest?”

Ominis’s thumb touched the snakes on the ring. “Yes, it is.”

“Does every wizarding family have a family crest?” Evelyn asked in astonishment. In the muggle world, only noble houses wear crests. Perhaps the wizarding one was different? Perhaps everyone could have a crest.

“Most likely just the old ones.” Ominis shrugged. “Old rich ones.”

“Oh…”

Ominis chuckled at Evelyn’s disappointment. To lighten up the mood, he then jokingly said, “Archaic, pretentious, racist, stick-in-the-mud ones.”

Evelyn giggled. “And your family is one of them?”

“Unfortunately, yes. Mine is one of the oldest ones.”

Evelyn turned herself completely towards the boy. She traced the engraving of the ring on his left open palm between them. “If you don’t mind me asking, what does it mean?”

“It represents everything I despise in myself.” Ominis said bitterly. He closed his palm, blocking Evelyn’s view of the ring. “Unquenched thirst for power and blood purity maniac.”

“Ominis, I—”

“No, I’m glad that you asked.” He cut Evelyn, opened his palm again, and continued sarcastically, “You see, we Gaunts believe that power is everything. Which of course, is perfectly consistent with the concept of blood purity. We believe that being a pureblood means one has a higher position in life than others and wields more power over them. Not to forget, there’s also a special ability that only we have, courtesy of our cunning ancestor, Salazar Slytherin. The ability to speak parseltongue, which you already know, I unfortunately inherited, is like the oil for our already scorching ego.”

Using his left thumb, he pointed to the snakes in the centre of the ring. "The snakes and scales on the shield signify it. Our noble way of life and the reminder of our great founding father,” He in disgust.

“With our vital role in wizarding society as the direct descendent of one of the most powerful wizards in the world, we have to keep the belief alive and our blood lineage clean," Ominis added. “We must preserve our ancestors' legacies while maintaining our authority over society.

“Like any other old barbaric family in the world, we do it by indoctrinating our children and practising inbreeding. We pride ourselves on how we teach our younglings about blood purity and the dark arts. We did it as soon as they got a wand from Ollivander to ensure that the propaganda was well embedded in their minds. Our method is unique, and no one else with a conscience probably agrees to it. But, it was extremely effective. We force our children to cast the curse they’ve learned on muggles. Killing two birds with one stone, I suppose. Teaching them about our rank in society and the power that comes with it.” He shrugged nonchalantly before he continued.

“The finest aspect is, the younglings didn’t have any choice in the matter. Since we also teach obedience and suppress their free will by making their own father curse them if they don't do as told. Their fathers also cursed them for showing weakness, like crying because they couldn’t bear to hear the screams of tortured souls for example. Screams that could be heard nearly every day in the Gaunt mansion. Especially from the dungeons. It made us Gaunts especially effective in producing a new batch of dark wizards in every generation—an accomplishment we Gaunts are immensely proud of.” Ominis ended with a sarcastic smile that sent shudders through Evelyn’s body.

“I would be one of them if Aunt Noctua didn’t come to visit every summer.” He spoke again, his voice heavy with loss and despair.

Evelyn was too stunned to speak. Because of what Sebastian had told her, she already understood how horrible the Gaunt were. But listening to Ominis, the one who got through it himself? A hundred times more heartbreaking than it was before. She couldn’t stop herself from imagining how hard it could be for a child to go through what he did. A child was not supposed to get through that in the first place. She would’ve died if she had been in his place.

“Well, that's what the shield and ivy indicated,” Ominis added nonchalantly, perhaps feeling uncomfortable with the silence that had crept in. “It signifies our obligation to safeguard Slytherin's lineage and legacy.”

“I'm sorry,” Evelyn said, trying to keep the tears from welling up in her eyes.

Ominis sighed. “Don't be,” He said softly. “You’ve done nothing wrong.”

"I made you recall something bad about her," Evelyn sniffed. "When today is meant to be the day you honour her memory," her voice cracked as the tears began to pour.

“Hey,” Ominis said, hastily putting the ring in his pocket as he heard Evely’s sob. He then frantically traced his way to Evelyn’s hands and held them tight. “It’s all right,” He said. With a soothing motion, his thumb began to massage her hand. “I was able to appreciate the good memories because of the terrible ones. You reminded me that she was the good in the midst of all the awful things that happened to me as a result of my family. You actually helped me honour her more.”

Evelyn couldn’t help herself. She hugged the boy with all her heart, wishing that her sympathy and condolences were conveyed through the physical touch. She buried her face in his chest, and cried.

Frozen in surprise, it took a while for Ominis to finally begin to hug her back. And when he did, waves of emotions came out of nowhere and flooded his heart. A tear fell, indicating how exhausted he felt from holding it all back. Letting himself finally feel his pain and grief, he hugged Evelyn tighter and cried as well.

“It is stunning. But not my style." Sebastian’s remark about the grandiose room pulls Evelyn back to the present.

She blinks to make the tears in her eyes dissipate. With a tight throat, she smiles at the brunette beside her and responds, “I see.”

“And I see that you’ve found the entrance to the greenhouse,” he continues, giving a knowing look to the glistening tears in her eyes. With an understanding smile, he gives his elbow to her, “May I have the honour to escort the most beautiful lady on this occasion?”

Evelyn begins to smile in earnest and links her hand through his elbow, “You may. But don’t let the bride hear what you just said.”

With hushed giggles and laughs, she and Sebastian walk hand in hand to the massive door. Evelyn looks in awe as she sees it open on its own with no more than a low creak. It’s been almost five years since she first learned about magic, but it still amazes her every time.

“Was afraid I’d have to open that all on my own. Can’t embarrass myself in front of the lady now, can I?” Sebastian makes a playful remark, brightening up the atmosphere.

Evelyn responds with another joke as they walk through the door frame, “What? You don’t have the strength?”

The sudden sweet smell of flowers and the warmth of the sun that she feels make her pause, bringing her and Sebastian to a stop. The plants surrounding her and the clear sky that is visible through the glass walls and roof make it feel more like she’s outside and less stuffy than before. She immediately relaxes. With her voice lighter, she continues with a smirk, “I could do that on my own.”

“Oh, I believe that.” Sebastian says. “You did stop the goblin rebellion all by yourself. O'great ancient magic wielder, I never question thy might.” He continues with an exaggerated tone.

Sebastian’s response brings laughter to Evelyn. “Good. You should.”

Still hand in hand, they continue to walk down the aisle. Anyone who sees them probably believes they are the ones who are going to marry. Sebastian, as the jester he is, realises that and decides to crack another joke at it, which successfully makes Evelyn laugh once more. They step halts when they’re on the third row from the front.

“Well, this is your seat, O'great ancient magic wielder.” Sebastian exaggerates his tone playfully, unlinks his elbow from Evelyn’s, and bows low.

Evelyn smiles at her friend's antics. “Couldn’t we sit together?”

“I am sorry firecracker, the groom told me in advance that his family had arranged the seat. I got the second row on the left,” Sebastian says, pointing to another bench that is very far away from where they are now.

Disappointment, followed by despair, immediately fills Evelyn’s chest. She will be alone, with Merlin-knows-who beside her, without any support, while watching the love of her life bind himself for eternity with someone else.

The forlorn she feels can probably be seen clearly on her face, since Sebastian quickly touches her shoulder and says in a soft tone, “Hey, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t be so glum.” He rubs her shoulder, “We could waste ourselves away in sadness later at night, while also depleting the Gaunt’s liquor stash. I bet they have the best firewhiskey with their newly acquired fortune.” With his eyes looking straight into Evelyn's, he smiles, “Let's just try to be happy for him this afternoon.”

Evelyn shakes her head. “Yes, yes. You’re right.” She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. As she opens her eyes again, she notices that the greenhouse is still practically empty. An idea comes to her mind. “There’s almost no one here but us and the house elves. Maybe you could just sit beside me. We might just say that this is the arranged seat.”

“Eve…” Sebastian chastises her.

Evelyn grabs Sebastian's right hand and holds it tight with both of her own. Desperately, she begs, “Please, I don’t know if I could make it through alone.”

"Fine," Sebastian says, seeing Evelyn's begging gaze. “I am already knee-deep in trouble, might as well dive in.” He then takes a seat on the bench, leaving a spot at the end for Evelyn.

She smiles gratefully at the brunette and takes the empty seat beside him. They are currently seated on the third-row bench on the right side, with Evelyn seated right next to the aisle.

After feeling comfortable enough, Evelyn shifts her sight to the front. Her view of the arch is as clear as crystal. She notices how beautiful the arch of white flowers is, especially with the decorations beside and behind it, which make it appear like something out of a fairytale. It’s so beautiful that it becomes nauseating when she remembers that it will be the place, where the love of her life makes a lifetime vow with someone else, in a few minutes from now. And she will be watching it.

“I’m about to throw up.”

“Please don’t,” Sebastian rolls his eyes. “I didn’t bring any bags with me.”

“I could just puke at you.”

“And ruin this crisp suit I ironed for three hours?” Sebastian says in offence.

In disbelief, Evelyn says, “You ironed your suit for three hours?”

“It’s a meticulous process,” Sebastian huffs, justifying his collar and blowing off imaginary dust on his shoulder. “And the result did not disappoint. You can be honest. I look handsome.” He boasts.

Now it’s Evelyn’s turn to roll her eyes. Ignoring the flaunting brunette beside her, Evelyn focuses on trying to contain her nausea. She closes her eyes and counts to eighteen.

One…

“I used to count to eighteen,” Evelyn said to the boy who was sitting on her right. They were both sitting on the edge of the upper astronomy tower, just behind the railing with their feet dangling.

“Why?”

Still closing her eyes, she answered the boy, “Well, my birthday is on the eighteenth of November, my house number is eighteen, and the legal age is eighteen. I guess I just like eighteen.”

Silence came until the boy spoke timidly, “My birthday is on the eighteenth too. The eighteenth of January.”

Opening her eyes in shock, Evelyn turned her head to the right all of a sudden, accidentally whipping the poor boy’s face with her hair, “Hey, it is today!”

She then grimaced when she saw the boy rubbing his cheeks, “Oh Merlin, I’m so sorry!” Her right hand cupped his left cheek, trying to soothe the pain she caused. With her focus only on the handsome face in front of her, Evelyn didn’t even realise she kept her hands on his cheek longer than she should. A soft smile bloomed in her face as she gazed at his face—a smile that, sadly, he would never see.

“Happy birthday, Ominis.” She continued to rub his left cheek. “I’m sorry I didn’t congratulate you sooner.”

She felt him smile and heard his shy voice in response, “Thank you. And It’s okay. There aren’t many who know anyway.”

Then, realisation came to Evelyn like a graphorn. She quickly dropped her hand from his cheek and put it above her lap, her head down with shame at her own behaviour—which she actually didn’t regret a bit. “I really am sorry.” She apologised again for being late to congratulate him and also, for her last behaviour. Thank Merlin he couldn’t see her right now. Her cheek was probably as red as a tomato. “You’ve been my friend for more than half a year, and I never asked. Sebastian has most likely prepared your present from a month ago and ready to hand it to you at breakfast later.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have known, since I am currently distancing myself from him right now. As you know, I’m still trying to process all the feelings from…”

Evelyn could feel the sadness herself and didn’t need any more explanation. “Yeah, me too.” She sighed and took a deep breath. “From now on, I will be the first person who congratulates you every year.” She promised.

“I would like that. If it doesn’t bother you.” Ominis answered timidly. Evelyn couldn’t help but smile as she saw his hopeful face.

“It doesn’t. I’d be happy too,” She said. Silence came again between them until Evelyn groaned, “Ugh, but I still don’t have any presents for you right now!”

“It really is okay, Eve,” Ominis said gently without any hint of disappointment.

“But I wanted to give you one!” She protested. Frustration could be heard as she continued, “And just my luck, I already promised Poppy I would help her after class this afternoon! I can’t go to Hogsmeade without breaking the curfew.” She sighed and began to sway her dangling feet back and forth, thinking hard, until suddenly... she jumped!

Her mind lit up, she stood straight from her previous place at the edge of the astronomy observation deck. “But I still can go and come back in time if I use the floo powder and run as fast as I can after it!” She exclaimed and then started to rapidly question the startled boy beside her, “Ominis, what do you want? A cake? A book? THE new book of the Nightingale collection? Oh! You probably want something sweet. How about your favourite Honeydukes fudge? I could go to the—”

Evelyn stopped as she felt a hand holding her right arm. The hand then moved down carefully as if trying to find something. It stopped when it found Evelyn’s right hand and clasped it tenderly. Evelyn was dazed, her mind still comprehending what had just happened. THAT was out of the blue. She had reason to cup his cheek and quickly withdrew her hand. But THIS?

She heard Ominis chuckle and say, “I am grateful that you’re willing to break the curfew for me. But…” He trailed off as he pulled her back down. She followed the tug, her gaze focused only on their intertwined hands, and sat in her previous place beside him. “I have a better idea,” he continued.

“Wh-what?” Evelyn stuttered as she still felt his hand holding hers even after she sat. His rather rough but warm hands enveloped hers. Her face couldn’t be more red.

“Let me use your technique to calm down.”

After hearing his request, Evelyn's gaze moved to his face, just to see a bright smile adorn it. That caused her mind to become blank. “Huh?”

Ominis chuckled. “Would you mind if I used your count to eighteen technique whenever I needed to calm myself down? As my birthday gift?”

“W-Why?” Evelyn asked in confusion. She really didn’t have a single idea why he preferred such a gift.

“I just like eighteen.” He shrugged and then rubbed his thumb on her hand, “Like you.”

Evelyn's brain refused to work as she felt his soothing touch, “Uh...huh?”

“O…kay?”

Seeing Ominis’s eyebrow raised with concern after he heard her dumb response woke her dead brain. Clearing her throat, and trying as best as she could to not think about their still entwined hands, Evelyn answered with more certainty, “Okay. I wouldn’t mind.”

“Good.” He smiled. “If I may suggest, you probably should start to count now. I could feel and hear your heartbeat accelerating at an alarming pace.” He chuckled. “I can’t have you become brain-dead every time I do this.” Ominis raised their clasped hands.

Evelyn laughed out loud, and he quickly joined. Swaying her dangling feet back and forth, she felt her heart full as the wind breezed through her hair softly, her hand still holding his.

Seventeen…

Eighteen.

A pretty annoying complaint from her left side makes Evelyn open her eyes. It turns out the source is an old lady, whose seat—from what Evelyn can gather from her seemingly never-ending complaints—should have been the one Sebastian is currently occupying. The old lady continues to show frustration as Sebastian tries to explain how he got the different instructions when he entered the greenhouse—which obviously is a lie—and insists on sitting beside Evelyn.

“I am sorry madam, but I just got the instruction to sit here. I can’t move freely since I’m afraid it would insult the host.” Sebastian says politely.

Out of the blue, the old lady opens her folding fan with such force. Evelyn’s eyes widen in surprise. She never thought a fan could be so threatening. The old lady can probably cut through anything by doing that. Shuddering, Evelyn tries as best as she can to avoid the fan and tries to protect herself with her purse.

“Well, I was instructed to sit here as well!” The old lady says, fanning herself in annoyance. “Who are you, young man? And who told you to sit here?!”

Still in a polite tone, Sebastian answers, “I was supposed to sit beside Phineas Nigellus Black.” He then pulls a long face, “But the butler suddenly told me that my seat had been moved here.”

“Phineas?”

He nods, “Yes, madam. The butler said he’s sorry for the inconvenience and asked me to relay that the reason for the absurd last-minute change is because Profes-uh, I mean, Mr. Black himself, asked to sit beside you.”

Smooth Sebastian, smooth.

“Phineas Nigellus Black asked to be seated beside me?” The old lady responds in a surprised tone.

“Yes, madam.”

“Hmph. Finally. He should have done this since the beginning.” The old lady then huffs and closes her fan. “Well, then. Farewell, young man.”

If Evelyn could, she would applaud Sebastian’s successful trick as hard as she could. She puts her purse back on her lap as the old lady begins to walk away. She then sees the old lady take her ‘designated’ place and open her fan with such force once again. Evelyn flinches at the sound.

Shaking her head in disbelief, Evelyn turns and asks the scoundrel beside her, “Seriously, Professor Black? Our Headmaster Black?”

“Yes, I noticed the Black family crest brooch on her sash.” Sebastian points to the old woman again. “It is pure luck that I was supposed to sit beside Professor Black in the first place and she wanted to sit beside him.”

Evelyn smirks, “Pure luck indeed.”

In offence, Sebastian exclaims, “Hey! My quick thinking saved you from hearing her complaints and nonsense for the whole event.” He narrows his eyes at Evelyn, “You should be grateful.”

Evelyn decides to tease him more, “Yeah, and I saved you from sitting awkwardly beside our beloved headmaster for at least one hour.”

“I guess we’re even then.” Sebastian shrugs and smiles.

The steps and murmurs of people who start to come into the greenhouse and sit in their own places distract Evelyn from continuing her teasing. She realises that the Gaunt really invites many ‘important’ families, as she sees the ladies and gentlemen wearing sashes and their house crest pins proudly with their bejewelled gowns and suits that are probably worth more than what Evelyn makes for a year. She then sees her simple dark gown.

Refusing to feel the creeping insecurity, Evelyn decides not to think about it and continues to tease Sebastian. She whispers as everyone begins to quiet down, “You should research how you can have so much luck in your life. With everything that’s already happened, you could be the embodiment of liquid luck.” She gasps exaggeratingly, “Or... Did you have an endless stash of it?” And continues, “Well, well, well, Mr. Sallow. Why didn’t you tell—”

She stops all of sudden when she hears the soft clinks of the piano. She turns her head to the enormous door behind her, which opens slowly.

Sebastian also turns and then comments proudly, “Here comes the groom.”

Evelyn’s mind goes blank as she sees him standing under the door frame. He seems ethereal, standing alone with the lights surrounding him like a halo. No words could fathom how stunning he is. His black suit frames his tall, lean body, and accentuates his broad shoulders perfectly. His neatly styled blond hair draws attention to his cheekbones, allowing his constellation of beauty marks to show through. Making him even more beautiful than before.

And his eyes—those pale blue eyes that Evelyn desperately wants to forget—still make her feel butterflies when she sees them. It is definitely safe to say that Ominis is still as attractive as he was when they first interacted. Or even more.

She gulps and whispers, “Here he comes…”

Autumn 1890

Evelyn gulped and whispered, “Here he comes…” This was certainly not how she imagined her first conversation with the Slytherin boy to be.

“You’re the new fifth year. Did you just come from the Undercroft?! How did you get in there?!”

Evelyn flinched at his high tone. It took a while before Evelyn could answer him. “That…room’s called, ‘the Undercroft?’ Ah…Well…I was exploring and suddenly found myself in a strange passageway—”

“Don’t lie to me. No one ‘stumbles’ upon that room. Sebastian told you, didn’t he?”

Evelyn sighed. So much for lying.

Ominis’s voice got sharper than it was before, “You breathe a word about this place to anyone, and not even your precious Professor Fig will be able to help you.”

Evelyn’s eyebrow shot up when she heard the threat. Is the room that secret?

“My father is friends with the Headmaster.” He boasted. “I’m not afraid to exploit that connection if, I, need to.”

Evelyn took a deep breath and answered honestly, with the hope that she didn’t break his and Sebastian’s friendship or her own chance to be his friend over this incident. “Trust me, Ominis. I won’t say a word. And Sebastian is a good friend. You shouldn’t immediately assume the worst of him.”

High in offence, Ominis responded, “I don’t need you to tell me about my oldest friend! Thank you very much.”

Evelyn panicked, “Ominis, I just meant—”

“I know what you meant.” Ominis cut her off with a sharp tone. “Sebastian gets himself in enough trouble. He doesn’t need your help.” With that, Ominis walked away to the Undercroft entrance and murmured, “Sebastian is going to get an earful about this.”

Evelyn snorted all of sudden, hearing his plan to scold the brunette Slytherin was too much.

Ominis steps halted and turned his body towards her again, “Excuse me?!”

Hearing his insulted tone stopped Evelyn’s giggle for a moment. “It’s just—it’s funny.” She giggled a bit again. “I imagined how you would scold him, probably all afternoon, like a doting mother to her son.”

Ominis looked dumbstruck at the giggling girl before him.

Evelyn then took a deep breath to calm herself, “I’m sorry, it’s just too funny.”

“Well, I am not amused,” Ominis said while crossing his hands in front of him.

“I never thought you were the doting mother of the relationship. It is funny,” Evelyn smiled softly. Even in anger, Evelyn still found the boy fascinating. “But also endearing.”

The silence from flabbergasted Slytherin made her continue, “Which is another reason as to why I wanted to introduce myself to you since I first saw you at Charms.”

“You—“

“Yeah, but I never got to since Professor Ronen called me out of the blue when I tried to join your conversation with Sebastian about using accio on human beings.” Evelyn shrugged, “He gave me a lecture about how I am a special case as I started at Hogwarts as a fifth-year student and even promised to help me catch up with the rest of the class by giving me a ton of assignments! Can you believe that?” She ended with disbelief.

Evelyn didn’t give Ominis the opportunity to respond and continued to rant, “I am already having a hard time processing the ‘magic exists and you just don't know it cause you’re apparently a muggle’ shocking revelation! And don’t forget about the an—” Evelyn stopped herself as she realised she was beginning to spill all her secrets to him. To the boy who was threatening her just a minute ago.

“About the what?”

“Uh…I said too much.” Trying to move the conversation to another topic, she continued, “Anyway, I think you are right. We couldn’t use the summoning charm on human beings and since we would be doing it to their clothes instead.”

Ominis lifted his chin up, “Hmph. Of course I’m right.”

“And I also tried to introduce myself to you at the Defence Against the Dark Arts class. But, Professor Hecat also called me before I could catch up with you. You were gone when I finished talking with her. And don’t get me started on Herbology. Professor Garlick talked about how I should enjoy herbology as much as she did since I have a plant name as my last name, just like her.” Evelyn shuddered before continuing.

“Well, it is a fun class, but I am a bit bothered by the carnivorous plants such as the chomping cabbage. I prefer my vegetables to be as still and normal as possible. Well, normal in a muggle way.” She chuckled. “Professor Garlick talked and talked and talked and by the time she finished, I was the only one in class, besides her of course. And…the plants.

At potions, you looked so disappointed with your wiggenweld potion that I tried to cheer you up. But, again, someone beat me. Sebastian started to pull you out before I finally had the courage to do it. And I didn’t see you at flying class. Well, it was disappointing, but I guess that cannot be helped because of your…” Evelyn trailed off as her gaze moved to Omini’s eyes.

“Of my…what?”

She cleared her throat and said, “Your lifetime challenge.”

One of Ominis’s eyebrow perked up. “Well, that's a new perspective on my blindness.”

Evelyn felt panic creep up. She was afraid that she had insulted him again. Her fear proved to be false when Ominis continued, “Although, I tried flying once. Since it was a mandatory class for first years.” He shrugged. “It was not too hard, I managed to lift off and land successfully on my first try.”

Astonished, Evelyn could only say, “Wow...”

Ominis chuckled and sarcastically said, “Yeah, ‘wow’ indeed.” He continued, “But I found that it was not my what I want to pursue. So, I didn’t attend the class anymore in my second year and beyond.”

Evelyn's brows furrowed, “I didn’t mean that I don’t believe you. It’s just…It’s a shame I couldn’t see you show off your skill on a broom.”

“Maybe you could,” Ominis shrugged. “If we do, become acquaintances. As I see that you desperately wanted us to become one, even though I cannot fathom a single reason why.”

Evelyn felt her blood creeping up to her cheek, “Y-yeah, it would be nice. To be acquainted with you.”

Ominis just smiled at her in response. And by merlin’s sake she felt her stomach flip all the sudden. She was only curious about his wand in the first place. There’s no indication that her relationship with him would be a stomach flipping and heart fluttering event! No, this is probably just a fluke.

But Evelyn’s eyes couldn’t go away from his smiling face. She couldn’t help admiring how his hair was so neat that it made him look like royalty. How she realised that he has a lot of beauty marks, especially on his left cheek. And how his eyes…his pale blue eyes that was like the misty morning on the beach.

“Let's start over,” Ominis said, waking Evelyn from her reverie. He then straightened his posture and formally asked, “Ms. Evelyn Rose, is it?”

Evelyn smiled and in a rush of courage, decided to tease him for his formality. With a pompous tone, she answered, “Yes. I am Evelyn Rose, the new fifth year student who made quite an entrance and became the talk of the school ever since.”

“Tone down your inflated ego a bit, Ms. Rose,” Ominis said with a chuckle. He then bowed his head a little, “Ominis Gaunt.”

“Enchanted to finally meet you, Mr. Gaunt.” Evelyn said with a smile.

“Enchanted to meet you too as well, Ms. Rose.” Ominis responded. Comforting silence accompanied them as they smiled at each other. Until Ominis cheekily continued, “Although, I must remind you again to not. Tell. Anyone. About the secret place you so stumble upon yourself.”

Evelyn laughed. She hoped that this interaction was the very first page, not where her story with him line ends.

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