#that art is a process of making something out of nothing and i am engaged with that process every day and it is nothing short of a miracle

[millionsknives]

looking at my 2024 art in review… i’m a really good artist, aren’t i

[dipplinduo]

[An Open Letter]: Reflecting on Creative Burnout

Ooh boy. This one is gonna be a little long, and it’s honestly just here for anyone who relates or just wants to listen. Nothing crazy big or earth-shattering, just some shower thoughts, if you will 💛.

I’ve talked about unhealthy relationships with writing on this blog a few different times. Mostly in the beginning – when the art of it all felt like vast, uncharted territory where any activity felt like a shiny accomplishment. I would get the occasional question from time to time: How do you keep up with writing? How do you organize things so it makes sense on paper, and not just in your head, in ways that don’t overwhelm you and inspire you? How do you find that magic to produce a oneshot or a chapter update when you feel like you just…can’t?

I often expressed a level of empathy to situations people would talk to me about, and a lot of my answers usually just boiled down to encouraging self-compassion. I’d say to ignore the word and page count. Write at your own pace. Write what you want to and not what you think is expected of you – especially when your writing is free and began because you are inherently creative and like to create. Those were and still are pretty crucial values of mine, and lemme tell ya, they have been put ✨through the ringer✨ in the past year. I’m no longer that starry-eyed, new-to-writing writer who hadn’t faced adversity and only knew the “up”, I am one that now relates to the disheartened moments because I too have inevitably felt the “down” myself. It sucks!

While I can credit a decent portion of the strain to personal affairs, I still feel that the gradual shifts I experienced with my writing process reflected a burnout I wasn’t equipped to manage. Fic updates started as something fun and enjoyable, and the dopamine rush that followed from a fandom in its peak reacting and engaging with the work felt incredible. Somewhere along the way, that joy grew a second head – one that told me writing was my responsibility  to an extent.

 It didn’t matter how busy my life got – that little voice grew and grew, and eventually festered. “People are waiting for this update”, it would say. Then, it soon became “If you don’t update this soon, no one will  care when you do, because it’ll be too late”. And after that?

“You finally have the free time you’ve been waiting for. Why aren’t you writing? Don’t you think it’s a little uncalled for to call yourself a writer if you haven’t put anything out in months?”

“Welp, if you can’t write now, you shouldn’t be active. And when you do come back – you gotta come back with a bang. Multiple chapter updates – just like you used to do. And you’re not allowed to be active until you produce something.”

It wasn’t until today, at 7:00pm after a light, 3 day weekend, that I not only recognized the impact of these high, self-imposed expectations, but truly felt and understood how rooted they were in unrealism when I thought to myself  “Well since I won’t meet my original goal, maybe I could just crank out a 15 page one shot in a few hours if I push myself hard enough. Because I really want to be involved in the fandom again, and I have to post something at this point to earn it.”

That was my epiphany moment: I realized right there that this thought process wasn’t foreign to me at this point, but really, really needed to be something I approach differently – for my sake, for my creative process, and for what comes out of it (which should not be seen as “products”). I cannot emphasize how much guilt manifested in me on any given day off, or how cyclical and endless this private pattern felt. It was a conclusion I’ve come to before over the year – and it even led to creating My Treasured Sunshine - but it I didn’t fully embrace it because I didn’t want to. I have been resistant towards naming the gravity of this burnout because that would mean I would have to confront my biggest critic – myself – and choose against appeasing her; it was easier to assume that I was simply too unmotivated or too lazy, or hadn’t quite figured out the “angle” to get my old routine back in place.

But here’s the reality: that approach has dampened a lot of the perks of why I started writing and this blog in the first place – dare I say, it’s completely gone awry. It’s performative and conditional, and it gave me no room for the same type of compassion I have preached about on this platform before. And now that I am confronting that critic – I want to do more than just look her in the eye. I want to change my relationship with her, and in doing so, I want to change my relationship with writing again.

And that’s why I’m sharing this rather than an update, and rather than just reblogging shipping stuff or Drayton’s Iconicism like usual (oh come on – you know the sacred text must be referenced lol). Because I think one of the first major steps towards that is transparency. If even one person reading this can relate and feel encouraged to be kinder to themselves as I work towards doing that too, that’s more than enough for me and makes sharing all the worthwhile.

In sum? Don’t you worry – I am going to continue writing -  I’m actually sitting on a few different ideas and working with a fun new one as I type this. But I’m going to work on rolling things out with more intention – and most particularly with how I treat myself in this process. And that will involve a lot of care and check-in with myself.

So wait. What about Sweet & Sour Dipplins?  This is a question I’ve gotten across platforms as I’ve updated this fic less and less frequently, and it would be totally fair if it’s a lingering question right now.  Here’s my honest reply: it has been very, very hard to find the “steam” for this fic. The plot has been set up for endgame, and said endgame does involve a considerable amount of action-heavy events and overarching storytelling…in a story that I conceptualize as being primarily romance. The cast feels too big, the events that need attention feel too pulled away from the dipplinshipping dynamic, and the elements I could sprinkle in have felt drawn out or are just entirely out of place (e.g., I really would love to write more silly and fluffy stuff involving these characters in this universe!!! But alas, that doesn’t make sense for Chapter 25. :D). S&S D was also my first real experience with consistent creative writing, and it’s been roughly a year and a half since I released the first chapter. That’s a lot of time. On a personal level, this time had also involved a ton of shifts, challenges, and growth edges in my life circumstances outside of content creation. I am not the same person I was a year and a half ago, and I can say the same for where my writing and writing interests are now. I’ve tried looking for ways to bring back the “old” me who was able to grind past the hurdles and post chapter update after chapter update, but that spark just isn’t there anymore. And being as stubborn as I am, it took me a long time to accept that things simply are just not the same anymore - that I am not the same anymore.

These are just some of the reasons as to why I have the goal of wrapping up this story – perhaps within three or four chapters worth. I want my writing to be genuine, and I want the conclusion to pay deep tribute to all of the support and love its received. Every time I get a comment on it from an excited – even in my hiatus – it genuinely makes my day. And it is the #1 reason why I refuse to orphan this story. So, in essence, thank you for your compassion and patience. I’m going to keep thinking about how I can wrap up this story in a way that feels right, and maybe in a way that focuses more on what I view as the heart of the story rather than the “obligatory” things that are driving me away from updating. I may try out more S&S D What If updates – and have an idea around recent suggestions – just to see if I can find a new way to connect with it again.

Oh wow, look at that. Four whole pages of straight up written material that came from the heart because there was no expectations. 😊 Haha. On that note, I’ll be watching the tags for some art (all mediums). Feel free to send along your favorite posts or fics or whatnot – I’ve missed this community and hope you’re all doing well and thriving! (AND IT'S OKAY IF YOU'RE NOT!) 💛

with love,

dipplinduo

[lurkingshan]

why do you continue to watch gmmtv shows when you clearly don’t enjoy them?

This is the kind of rude, cowardly anonymous ask that I would typically just delete, but I’m in the mood to be generous so I will respond and use it as an educational moment.

I have to start by rejecting your premise. I enjoy plenty of GMMTV shows. My favorite Thai bl of this year is Cherry Magic Thailand. I wrote quite lovingly about it on this hellsite for 12 weeks. I was also a big fan of Cooking Crush and The Trainee this year, Kidnap is giving me joy weekly, and I’m currently in the midst of a really interesting discussion with people far more mature than you about Peaceful Property. GMMTV is also responsible for some of my all time favorite Thai shows including Bad Buddy, 3 Will Be Free, Midnight Museum, Theory of Love, Moonlight Chicken, and Dark Blue Kiss, and many more besides that I liked a lot. You don't know me. You have made the mistake of assuming that because you’ve seen a small fraction of my posts about specific things, you know what I think about all kinds of things. But as my beloved departed grandfather loved to say, when you assume you make an ass out of u and me. 

So with that out of the way, let’s get to the real question underneath your logical fallacy: why don’t I keep my mouth shut instead of posting about the flaws I observe in these shows? There are a number of reasons for that.

First, I am extremely open about the fact that I am interested in the art and science of narrative storytelling, and I often post about it from a critical lens. This is all in the pinned post at the top of my blog, but I doubt someone with your lack of manners bothered to look there before sending me this ask. 

Second, I don’t believe in the popular fandom idea that all meta discussion of shows should be positive and centered on stanning for actors or pairs and their shows. That's a fine pursuit for folks who enjoy engaging with media that way, but I personally find that boring and intellectually empty, and have very little interest in it. I like to learn from the things I enjoy, and you can't learn if you're not willing to think critically about why something in a story may or may not be working.

Third, my favorite thing about watching media is discussing it with like-minded people, and the way to find like-minded people is to share your honest feelings about what you're watching. I have made some of the best friends of my life by posting my unfiltered thoughts about whatever I'm watching in various social media spaces, and having people come and say "hey, me too" or "I don't quite agree but what an interesting thought." We connect with others through sharing our thoughts and feelings. If you censor yourself in fandom spaces, you will not find your people.

Fourth, on the specific topic of GMMTV: they are the largest and best resourced ql-producing studio in the biggest ql-producing country, and part of a giant media conglomerate that controls much of the media in Thailand. Their shows matter in terms of the influence they have over the rest of the industry, and so the messages they send with their shows also matter. I will never ignore them completely even when I choose not to watch some of their shows, because where they go, the larger ql industry follows. When I see a trend in their shows that is harmful, like, say, the repeated use of marginalized identities for marketing their shows that they then disrespect in the way the stories are executed, that needs to be pointed out and examined, and I am hardly the only one doing so.

I'll end by asking you a question, anon: what did you hope to accomplish by sending me this ask? Unlike many of the other folks who have been engaging in critical discussion with me over the last couple days, you had nothing constructive to say. You didn't put forward an interpretation or share your own feelings, you didn't contribute to the collective analysis process, and you didn't offer any commiseration or even a clear disagreement with anything I said. From where I'm sitting, your only intent was to attempt to shame me for speaking. You will never be successful at that, and it's a pretty ugly impulse that you should examine in yourself. When you find yourself being awful to real human beings because you can't manage your emotions about fictional media, it's time to think about what you're doing here. I hope you'll reflect on that, and take good care.

[mintmint2]

Idk what to put here

Apologies in advance—I like vomiting out rants of every single thought I’ve ever had for the past 19 years so if you don’t wanna mentally narrate out this giant wall of text or if you’re just here for the small doodles of your characters, feel free to just skip down to the small tiny insignificant sketches I made! This is really just a giant newsletter of what I’ve been doing these past 3 months.

(Something I would like to add is pretty please don’t reblog this, I want this to be like only a small circle of people to see, if you have something to say you can leave a comment!!!)

((Edit: nvm yall it seems everybody reblogged it😭😭))

My project. I’ve been working on my project for 3 months. 400 hours.🙂

Okay, so, for these past 3 months I’ve been aggressively relearning how to animate using the most basic animation app to exist. And what I mean by “relearning”, I mean diving headfirst into the animation studio with little to no prior knowledge of animation other than animation memes and some.. other.. stuff. And with that limited information, I managed to crank out a low-quality, crappy, mediocre 10+ minute prologue that I hate and it sucks and I hate I ha. I honestly had no idea what I was doing—I walked into animating with a giant lollipop and a propeller hat, and I came out as a 40 year old man with depression, but now armed with stacks of newfound knowledge about animating, so it wasn’t for nothing!! Seriously, drawing every day for 5+ hours is no joke; I genuinely thought this project would take like 1.5 or 2 months max with how simple I made it… but turns out drawing thousands of rendered individual frames with a bunch of other tiny prickly problems tripping you over is actually pretty time consuming even if it sucks😔.

But at least now that I’ve experienced the gruelling process of animating a several minute video first-hand, I was able to figure out my strengths/weaknesses in art and how I could exploit them, things that take a long time, things to avoid, and things to look out for. Even though I think my added skills in this department can be helpful in the future, it’s still super time consuming, which I think kinda ties nicely in my more major topic!???

I’m doing a MEGA art style change, I’ve rubbernecked at a lot of olden cartoons and decided I wanted to shift towards those art styles with no rendering and the characters are like kinda chibi in a way—you know, that kind of style. But this isn’t just me wanting to copy my favourite cartoon shows though; I looked into the pros and cons of a simpler art style and the pros outweigh the cons by a landslide

I obviously am not a good artist and I’ve struggled with things like consistency, pacing and proportions, if I can just break down all my characters into shapes and add rules to how to draw them + stylized anatomy, I think It’ll help with making characters NOT look like a grown 40 year old women in one scene, a child in the other, and a teenage drunken boy in the next.

I literally can’t imagine drawing fight scenes either with full body anatomy that isn’t simple shapes, drawing a running cycle or a character doing parkour that lasts literally only 2 seconds is hard enough for my skill set. Don’t make me have to draw them engaging in a full-blown battle with each other, it’ll be even worse if the characters start shrinking every frame but I don’t notice till it’s too late.

Plus, I pretty much grew up with cartoons too, so I also just feel more connected and motivated when it comes to characters that look like Steven Universe or chibi-styled in general, it makes me wanna draw them more and reduces burnout a lot. (Seriously though, I hate shading SO MUCH. I wanna draw the next frame already stop making me go back and fix this pixel of value that wasn’t added and somehow you can still see it a mile away💔 and wouldn’t you know it I’ve lost my sanity and begun racing through / deleting scenes to make it go by faster, which ruins the pacing and everything alongside it)

Do you want some concepts? No clothing folds and allat. Sorry I was too exhausted to make full drawings… actually a lot of my actual sketches for these people are all in my sketchbook, got like 19 pages worth of all y’all’s oc’s but it’s too awkward positioning my camera to snap a pic of it

I’m learning how to do fast paced figure drawing. (Trying), and the crew isn’t here because everybody in that crew is getting a redesign and sans is having a identity crisis too

Another thing is; I’m going to be taking a break after this 400 hour grind session, no I’m not being lazy and I really DO wanna go back to dragging my finger across the screen till it bleeds (because it’s an unhealthy addiction at this point) but I NEED planning and practice.

A lot of stuff has changed since I’ve started—plot, character designs, story… I also finally started tackling architecture, designing rooms and the houses based on both the characters logic and practical functionality, cause making a background with just one giant blob of equal paint is a bit… boring. And I’m practicing art too, my art has changed quite a lot ever since I started paying less attention to small details and instead on form and movement within the lines.

I’ve got so many ideas swimming in my head I need to test out and more. I don’t have a teacher and I’m too lazy to find tutorials so I’m doing this the trial and error way. Test literally everything, cancel out the ineffective and keep the best. I need time to figure out stuff and I think it’s working because not only has my entire art kinda improved in a way, I have been able to get a truck ton of plot down and how I want everything to end and everything.

The last thing I wanna add because it’s a problem I also need to fix… holy guacamole, I NEED to improve on my story boarding and pacing—I kinda blame that on myself for cutting out/rushing scenes to get it done but goodness does the plot fly by. Like how the chocolate did the lab/true-lab scene and waterfall scene all fit in 2 minutes?? I chose the opportunity to animate less over the writing and characters itself, literally feel so ashamed after that💔 insanity and mind rot of drawing for hours really does catch up to you eventually though. The results were cringy anyways so

Yeah okay I have like a TON more of stuff to write down here as problems I need to fix, but I’ve been writing for too long and this post is getting stuffed with too much words it’s gonna overflow and shatter. Basically I’ve learned a lot of stuff from this, I’m aiming to improve in every category, even if I don’t, I gotta make some sort of progress.

So uh… that’s it, I guess? I’ll update every once in a while… nah, watch me vanish for another twenty years. That doesn’t mean I’m not still here though, I’m watching every post you guys are making and documenting every fact and detail about your characters. 👀

Sorry for the length and weirdness of this rant

I forgot to mention—I made my very own/first persona. I call them MintMail cause they’re a mailman…I don’t… really know what to do with them.. uh, I’ll probably feed them sometime tomorrow

Ohhhh boy, time to tag the people I sketched. (Guys I promise I’m not tagging you just so you can read this)

Trickster belongs to @yourloveaton !

Nems belongs to @bloobluee !

Virux belongs to @bunrux !

Sanu is mine.

Magi is also mine.

Trans belongs to @ken-tfc / @fivebecomesnone and @youregonnahavetime !

Dionysus belongs to @javaxzun !

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

ok calling out tumblr as a whole rn, gonna keep this reallll brief and simple

Leave. The Neil Gaiman fandom. ALONE.

are the takes coming out of it right now rancid? Yes.

It has been LESS THAN ONE DAY.

LESS. THEN. ONE. DAY.

Everyone rn talking about how they “already knew” and then using that as justification to engage in the WORST, MOST PERSONALLY INSULTING, DEGRADING, HEARTLESS, DEHUMANIZING, AND *CONSISTENTLY FUCKING ABLEIST* BEHAVIOR I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS SITE

All y’all need to step back and remember when and how you DID learn this about Neil, or about powerful people/celebrities in general. y’all know you didn’t process it instantly, cleanly, or without any emotional turmoil, grief and deeply bad takes on the way to acceptance. And I’m sure the vast majority of y’all have SOMETHING that you like right this instant where you “separate the art from the artist”. This isn’t a “gotcha”, that’s LITERALLY JUST A NORMAL PART OF MODERN MEDIA CONSUMPTION

and even if you’re some pure untainted angel who only likes things that were entirely created by good people and has the ability to instantly detach all emotional, artistic and other ties to a piece of media once it becomes Bad(tm)….

You still have no right to treat these ppl like this. Plain and simple. These are the reactions of people who just had their view of their favorite author shattered

YESTERDAY

and while some will inevitably stay and defend Neil (fuck those guys), the majority WILL process this and react appropriately, just like I did, just like yall did.

(and if “appropriately” turns out to involve taking back the fandom en masse… listen I’m leery on it too but I think it would be a genuinely good idea to try. Interesting if nothing else, and absolutely not a cause for further hate) To treat entire fandoms this way, this immediately…. I am hundreds of times more ashamed to share a fandom, a website or a PLANET with y’all than with the ppl saying stupid shit while processing this stuff for the first time. The news itself was upsetting but unsurprising. Seeing y’all turn into Reddit chuds projectile vomiting anti-autistic stereotypes and telling people to off themselves is making me genuinely fucking sick.

I’m so angry. All this finally coming to light and you’ve all chosen hatred. Fuck you, fuck all of you. I don’t even have words.

Edit for clarification: I am NOT asking that Neil or his fans not be held accountable. I am asking people to have the basic fucking human decency to give the fandom ANY TIME AT ALL to process this stuff before rolling out the personal insults and su*c*de baiting.

Give People Time To Sort Through Their Feelings. Let People Process. Not forever, just a few days. Most likely yall didn’t process this instantly when you first learned about it, so stop expecting others to. Don’t be dicks. That simple.

EDIT TWO:

This post is NOT calling out criticizing people who defend Neil. Again: FUCK THOSE GUYS. This is a post calling out the massive amounts of hate currently directed at people who are just fucking upset, who believe the victims and feel furious, betrayed, etc, and yes even people whose first thoughts were of their fandoms. If they aren’t defending Neil, they aren’t defending Neil. In fact if they’re being weird and messy about fandom or internal stuff, it’s pretty clear that they’re FUCKING FURIOUS at Neil.

In fact, perhaps consider redirecting all this hate to the people actually defending Neil, instead of people who obviously hate him but whose processing methods are kinda cringe.

[lincolndjarin]

ro’s big update about why they vanished for so long (sorry!)

aka my entire life changed in 6 months. 🫧

these last 6 months have been a strange mix of good and bad but now that everything’s calmed down i’ve realized how luck i am because i’m happier than i have ever been <3

for starters… i’m engaged!!!

on september 1st, the love of my life proposed to me at the art gallery where we had our first date 🫧

for the first time in my life i get to feel the emotions that i’ve only dreamed of in my writing. i get to feel like a princess everyday, and i get to spend my life with a man i couldn’t have written up in my wildest dreams.

so i’ve been busy with that lol. being engaged makes you busy!!! and i’m planning a wedding now so that’s also a bit much!!!

we know we got engaged fast so it’ll be a while before we get married but i have never known such love before and i just want to geek out about these pics and how much i love him <3

and then i got a new job! (twice!)

some if you may know this but i got a job as a preschool teacher in april, i knew i couldn’t work at the place i was previously at and i needed financial stability so i found a new job! and it made me realize how much i loved being a preschool teacher and how much i hated where i worked.

after 5 months i just couldn’t do it anymore, the director was literally not paying us, (and was fired a week after i quit) she treated me and the other teacher in my room like shit, and she did nothing when someone else in the building was directly and blatantly racist to me to my face. so i had to find a new job.

i got extremely lucky and was only unemployed for a week. i found an extremely wonderful job working in a private home center, and it’s a much better situation for me. i an endlessly thankful that the stars aligned for me to find this job.

i also moved!!!

for the first time in my life i have moved! i moved in with my love about a month before he proposed and it turns out that moving is a long process! (who knew!)

it took a lot of time and effort but i made this house a home <3 two months ago we didn’t have a bed and i was terrified of living in the city, now we have a bed and im a little less scared!

so i’ve been busy! but also i’ve been feeling like i’m missing something and my fiancé has been urging me to start writing again and i realized that it was something that made me so happy and i missed it and now we’re here 🫧 and that was a lot but i’m just happy to be back <3

[steddieunderdogfics]

This week’s writer spotlight feature is: @lady-lostmind! lady_lostmind has 84 works in the Stranger Things fandom and 55 of them are in the Steddie tag!

@oh-stars recommends the following works by @lady-lostmind:

This Is The Coin I Had In My Pocket The First Time We Kissed, And I Always Have It.

Transfixed (under your spell)

Fuck

You know what to do, when it gets hold of you.

The Wall

"Mack is one of the best writers in this ship and I am so very lucky to read their work early on. Her Eddie voice is unmatched to me!! Every time I read a new fic of hers, I'm always shocked at how she can outdo herself with creating my next favorite fic. She's fearless in trying new tropes and genres, exploring super serious topics and she has some of the hottest scenes I've read. Every opportunity I have to read or reread her work is an absolute pleasure and I am so honored to get to see her flourish!" -- @oh-stars

Below the cut, @lady-lostmind answered some questions about their writing process and some of their recommended work!

Why do you write Steddie?

I’ve been reading fanfic since I was a teenager but I never felt the urge to write my own until watching these two together. I think we can all agree there was some undeniable chemistry between the two on screen and they have such a fun dynamic to work with. I’ve always enjoyed creative writing in some shape or form whether it be for a class or writing lyrics for the band I was in, or the half abandoned novel I have in my docs. I decided to give fanfic a shot and then really loved getting to actually be a part of the community instead of lurking on the edges and leaving kudos anonymously like I had for years. But there is something so special about Steddie in particular and I’m especially drawn to writing Eddie in particular. His character has so many layers to explore and different directions to go and I love making him fall in love with his golden retriever of a man over and over again.

What’s your favorite trope to READ?

I am a sucker for a good slow burn, especially with some hurt/comfort thrown in. Please rip my heart out, stomp on it, pick it back up, and hand it back to me wrapped in a pretty little bow.

What’s your favorite trope to WRITE?

Honestly, the same as what I read. As much as I love a good fluffy one shot there’s nothing quite like the sweet torture of dragging your characters through hell before they get their happy ending. It’s so fun trying to navigate what they would do in difficult situations, and how that affects the story overall.

What’s your favorite Steddie fic?

This is such a hard question. There are so many good fics out there. We’re truly well fed in this community. I think some of my absolute favorites have to be You’re Divine by oonionchiver, and The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway is that it’s you by greatunironic. Both of them inspired me to do a lot of fanart including a bind and cover art for You’re Divine, and drawing all the album covers in TMRTAYSITDITIY.

Is there a trope you’re excited to explore in a future work but haven’t yet?

I never really know what I’m going to write next until it smacks me in the face. But I’m definitely open to whatever that might be. I will say I’ve never ventured into the omegaverse in my writing but it does seem like a fun one to play around with.

What is your writing process like?

Chaotic. I love writing but have a hard time actually sitting down and focusing on it. I either write a huge chunk all at once, or I write a sentence at a time while watching tv or something. I do really enjoy writing with other people though whether that’s in a sprint or word game.

Do you have any writing quirks?

If I have music on while writing it can’t have any lyrics in it or I get too distracted.

Do you prefer posting when you’ve finished writing or on a schedule?

Oh, a schedule is generous, I’d say. But I do prefer posting chapter by chapter. I feel like people engage a little more as they read each one and I love getting the feedback as I go.

Which fic are you most proud of?

And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. I think my writing grew a lot during that fic and I’m really proud of the work I put into it. AYMFYIABHWABW was also the first thing I ever wrote for an event and was a big step for me to actually put myself out there and talk with other authors and artists. I made some amazing connections through that event and am so glad I pushed through any self consciousness to ask for a beta reader because I found an amazing one in oh-stars and gained a great friendship through that. They introduced me to karadanverss when the two of them were looking for some help modding the Stranger Things Reverse Big Bang and I not only gained another friend, but got to dip my toe into being a mod, something I never would have even considered doing before, but have had so much fun being a part of as we set up other events together. So I think because of all that, AYMFYIABHWABW will always hold a special place in my heart.

How did you get the idea for This Is The Coin I Had In My Pocket The First Time We Kissed, And I Always Have It.?

During a rewatch of New Girl. Nick Miller is honestly such a mash up of Eddie and Steve, and I could not get the idea out of my head to Steddiefy the scene in the hall where Nick says “Not like this.” It screams hopeless romantic Steve to me, and the title is a line Nick says to Jess way later and it never fails to make me cry. So, I started with that. Just wanting to do a similar situation with Steddie, and it morphed into something much bigger than I intended.

When writing You know what to do, when it gets hold of you., what was something you didn’t expect?

I thought I would have a harder time with Steve’s POV in this one than I did. I really wanted to show a side of him that I feel gets overlooked a lot since he’s always throwing himself in front of everyone else when there’s danger. But what happens when that danger isn’t there anymore? What does he do with that? It’s a side I hadn’t explored much before and I was really happy with where that took me. I really liked getting to see where Steve’s mind would go when the group is seemingly safe.

What inspired Transfixed (under your spell)?

Transfixed was written for the Steddie Summer Exchange! So I actually had this prompt: ‘Popstar Steve and rockstar Eddie having a secret relationship whilst the public and their own band mates think they hate each other.’ to go off of for it. This prompt screamed angsty, hurt/comfort so I was really excited I snagged it in claims.

What was your favorite part to write from You know what to do, when it gets hold of you.?

I think it has to be the scene where Steve finally breaks down. When Eddie figures out what has been going on and Steve just lets it all out. If there is one thing Steve Harrington deserves, it’s a good fucking cry.

How do/did you feel writing The Wall?

The Wall was written for Steddie Love Month with the prompt: Love is letting yourself be loved and if that didn’t scream insecure Steve I don’t know what does. I remember feeling very bittersweet while writing The Wall because I know what it’s like to be afraid to let someone in again when you’ve been hurt, and how good it feels when you finally let that wall down and accept that risk because it’s worth it. I tried to capture that feeling as best as I could.

What was the most difficult part of writing Fuck?

Fuck was another Steddie Love Month prompt. The hardest part of writing this one was just trying not to cackle to myself about how ridiculous Eddie was being. This one was a lot of fun to write.

Do you have a favorite scene and/or line from any of your fics?

Oh my. I think it either has to be the first scene I wrote for AYMFYIABHWABW that sparked the entire thing: Steve is staring at him, eyes wide and rocking a little on his heels like he’s so nervous he can’t stay still. Eddie’s stomach drops, his mind spiraling through a million worst case scenarios all at once. “What’s wrong? Is Wayne– Are the kids okay? Is it–” Steve holds his hands out in front of him and shakes his head. “Fuck, no. Sorry. No. It’s not–” Steve sucks in a deep breath, his hands shooting up into his hair before dropping to hovering in the space between the two of them. “Eds. I fucked up. I so massively fucked up. I can’t even begin to–[...] This feels like a fucking fever dream. Like something he’s imagined a million times over. Awake and asleep, In every possible scenario and position. All the times he fucked men in bathroom stalls and or pressed them against a wall in a dirty alley, this is what he wanted. And he was right. None of it even comes close to being this. This is…it’s everything. Fuck– it’s everything." Or this scene from You know what to do, when it gets hold of you where Steve finally gets to breakdown: Steve shakes against him, his tears wetting the shoulder of Eddie’s shirt. “I’m sorry.” Eddie shakes his head. “It’s okay.” He rubs his hand up and down Steve’s back. “Hey, you’re okay. We’re going to figure this out, okay?” Steve sobs, his hands fisting into Eddie’s shirt a broken “Sorry” slipping out of him again. Eddie’s arms tighten around Steve, and he struggles to swallow the lump forming in his throat, tears welling in his eyes. Can’t help the way his heart breaks a little at the sorrow in Steve’s voice. How vulnerable he sounds. Because Steve Harrington isn’t vulnerable. Steve Harrington dives into lakes with portals to another world at the bottom without a second thought. Steve Harrington rips other dimensional beasts apart with his teeth. Steve Harrington marched into battle calmly, and confidently. Steve Harrington carried Eddie out of a hellscape on his fucking back. Steve Harrington is the rock. He is the one everyone leans on. And Eddie knew. He knew something was wrong. He knew something was going on. But it’s one thing to know it, and another to see your hero crack and crumble in your arms.

Do you have any upcoming projects or fics you’d like to share/promote?

The Eddie Munson Big Bang! Definitely keep an eye on our tumblr (@eddiemunsonbigbang) to see all the amazing fics and art that will be coming out. I’m one of the mods over there, and I’m working on a fic for it that I’m really excited about. If this is posed before the end of September…we’re still looking for artists!

Outside of these questions, Is there anything YOU would like to add?

I’d just really like to thank anyone who has ever taken the time to read my fics, or like any of the fanart I’ve made. I never expected anyone to really see any of it when I first started all this and have really loved finding a community to be a part of. I never had any friends who were really into fandoms or fanfiction, and up until I started engaging in Steddie content no one in my life even knew I read it. Getting to talk to, and make friends in this community gave me the confidence to talk more about what I’m interested in and connect more with the people in my life. So, thank you all for showing me how to be loud about the things I love and that I don’t have to hide parts of myself away!

Thank you to our author, @lady-lostmind, and our nominator, @oh-stars! See more of lady_lostmind's works featured on our page throughout the day!

Writer’s Spotlight is every Wednesday! Want to nominate an author? You can nominate them here!

[secretlythepits]

It’s been a minute.

Thanksgiving was ok. If my husband isn’t here next year— we will have to travel. It would be too sad to do it with just us. That is a bridge I won’t cross early.

Christmas is strange this year, mostly because we have teens. They are at the age where they want to choose clothes and shoes, so we are going to do the super fun task of taking them shopping and then wrapping up what they chose. They have phones, computers, and beats. I’m sure they would love a gaming system, but it would be bad for our family life. I don’t feel like wasting money on stuff that will get a nice reaction on the day, but that they don’t need or even really want. I thought of a special present for each of them. My dog lover will get a gorgeous art piece of his dog, something I know he will keep for life. (Be still my heart. This boy loves his dog so much.) My other son will get a nice piece of jewelry: a chain or earrings. He borrowed his dad’s clothes and watch for an event and is ready to start. having nice things. My husband wanted nothing but made an Amazon list. I will get something from that and his usual treats. Sometimes I wish I were more consumerist, but I’m just too practical and environmentally conscious.

II am the one getting a big present this year. My husband surprised me by insisting on buying me a replacement engagement ring. My old one has issues so I’ve been wearing my mom’s wedding band instead. We never had extra money so I never even hinted at a new ring. Occasionally, I searched on my own, but I never said anything. This came out of the blue and was so sweet.

I am receiving it.

I remember getting a spa day as a gift when my kids were babies and I had trouble relaxing during my facial. I had to command myself: receive receive receive. I silently chanted that mantra as I took deep breaths. Sometimes it’s easier to give, but participating in both sides of the exchange are important. Receiving something allows another person to give. To be in the energetic flow, we have to let things come and go.

I am not getting a diamond. I want a pink stone, maybe a pink sapphire. And rose gold. A jeweler is creating options. My husband took me there on Saturday and it was romantic and exciting. It felt like the old us. I’m not sure that we are in love anymore, but we do love each other. That’s what this ring says. Wow. A ring to begin and a ring to complete.

Talk about a circle of life.

Other than that, I have been steadily working on micro habits to improve my life and they are working. My curriculum is almost done. I’ve been exercising moderately, but it’s had a huge effect on lowering my pain and facilitating sleep. I am excited about launching my career but a bit daunted by the task of launching a business. One step at a time.

Tomorrow I am starting a daily workout challenge. It’s just 45 minutes a day, but I can make strides to lose a little weight and start seeing results before the new year. That’s motivating to me.

To be clear, I will not forgo Christmas cookies or sourdough bread. I will work out more and eat healthy meals. That’s it. I have a right to enjoy eating.

I also scheduled my annual well woman exam exam for Christmas Eve morning. It was the earliest appointment I could get. I sure know how to celebrate the season. It’s never-racking to me because my husband’s cancer is HPV positive. I’ve always tested negative, but viruses are sneaky, deadly bastards.

The kids have taken me on emotional journeys with their schoolwork lately, but I realized that I just need to detach. I personalize their failures too much. They are figuring things out and I know failure is a part of the process. I can’t go up and down with them. I feel jerked around and react forcefully, trying to make them stop. But there is no other way for them to learn except living and failing and trying again. They are entitled to grow at their own pace. My friend once told me, “Does shouting at a seed ever make it grow any faster?”

I’m not sure if it’s being 50, but I’m having an easier time staying level. There are a lot of very big things to worry about right now, but I’m just—not. I’ve never been able to opt out before. But from this vantage point it seems like a choice to go up and down, because I know that ultimately things will be how they are and I’ll figure out how to live with whatever that may be.

That’s life in a nutshell. Now, as my mother would always say: I am off to do great and wonderful things.

[wandering-free-and-queer]

perchance you’ve already answered this somewhere, but what are some of your favorite witchy projects? any that you’re particularly proud of from over the years?

feel free to gab i’m curious

HAHAHAHHAHHA you're in for it now Cheshi

I love love love love LOVE making witchy jewelry, and using witchy themed fabrics for making messenger bags, and just in general crafting things for my practice. My personal practice is very aesthetic based, because I am an artistic person, NOT because I think witchcraft needs to be a perfect aesthetic to practice. I spend time lovingly crafting my tools and spell jars because I want them to look good WHILE ALSO serving a purpose. The purpose comes first, the aesthetic is built up to serve the purpose, not vice versa.

Is it a quilt, or is it a protection shield? Is it a bracelet, or a piece of well-thought-out devotion? Is it a bag, or has it been enchanted to make all contents findable? The answer is always both! When working on a project, I think about my intentions, what I want the results to be, and that in turn enchants the final product. What I personally find is that the act of creation itself is most of the intention. I don't need to deliberately think "this is knot magic and I'm going to turn this crocheted shawl into a glamour" while I'm working, because the act of creation is an act of love, and that itself is such a powerful tool in my repertoire that I don't need to focus on my intentions while creating, I can just create. Art is love, whether it's a love for the self, a love for the other, a love for the act of creation, a love for the message you want to send. Art is love, it is passion, it is devotion and praise and humility and divinity and whatever else you can think of, because art is, above all else, a human act of bringing about Something where there was once Nothing.

Art and magic go hand in hand for me because they BOTH are a process of making Something from Nothing. They are at once inseparable, because to me, one cannot be without the other. Magic is an art form just like any other act of creation, why else would we call it The Magical Arts?

Humans are drawn to create. We find a gap in what we have and what we want and we find a way to fill it. Whether it takes the form of art or magic is entirely up to you, but it's regardless YOURS, your act of creation, that brings about change. Art is change, magic is change, and it's your act of change. Even removing the act of creation, you decide you want to grow and change because you're tired of standing in the same stagnant waters. You are yourself, in that moment, becoming an act of creation. You are art, you are magic, and you are enacting a change in yourself because you WANT it that badly.

Art, magic, self improvement, they intertwine in such a way for myself that I could never dream of separating them. Life is an act of creation. I aim to treat it as such. We don't live on a planet of some Divinity's creation, we live on a planet that we have molded, for better or worse, to our own ideas of creation. We have made art, and culture, and magic, and science, and everything about this world, because we have decided to engage in creation. Not because a deity came along and said "do this in my name". We did it because WE wanted to.

This, to me, is the foundation of my art, my magic, my life, my everything. Creation is divine because we made it such, not because the divine told us to create.

...

Went off on a hella tangent, reread your original ask, and hot damn did I get off topic. I think my fave witch-crafty projects have been in the "turn spells into wearable art" category, whether it's turning a spell into a wrap bracelet or making a blanket that also doubles as a shield or making an item of clothing specifically worn during magic and rituals. More photos will come as I finally (!!!!!!!!!!) get my craft studio set up and the rest of my projects from my parents house lol.

[sometimes-love-is-enough]

HiIII II min, what are you reading/watching/listening to at the moment, i need recs

QUITE A LOT. i am reading and watching and playing and listening to. A LOT. I'm kind of astounded that I'm actually doing all this at once, but here we go -

Books:

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov - y'all already know what this one is about. I'm here to tell you that it's brilliantly done with a genuinely engaging writing voice and style, and a terrifyingly good unreliable narrator. If you're up to stomaching the obvious pedophilia, I fully recommend it.

Moby Dick by Herman Melville - slightly racist biologically inaccurate whale hunting. For people who know nothing about whales. I've been on a classics kick recently, I'm trying to get my way through a lot of the big 'classic' books and this is what feels like the final boss. It's good, but it's dense as all fuck, and I'm struggling despite being very close to the end with it. I don't recommend this one quite as much, but it's good enough for me to stick with it.

Sacred and Terrible Air by Robert Kurvitz - this is the Disco Elysium novel, translated from Estonian by a variety of lovely people. It's good, but it's also pretty dense - maybe not as much as Moby Dick, but it makes it hard to read in large chunks. I'm reading it alongside my beloved @lifewithoutrainydays, and i really need to put more time into it.

S. by Doug Dorst - fucking fascinating book. It's presented as a book called 'Ship of Theseus' by an author that doesn't exist, and it looks and feels like an actual old library book, complete with scribblings in the margins (that form a whole other meta story on top of the book itself), postcards and printouts jammed in between the pages, and an old library label on the spine. Still trying to figure out how to read it, but plucking away at it in-between all my other endeavors.

Our Bloody Pearl by D.N. Bryn - a.k.a., me trying to step out of my comfort zone and read some recommendations, and not quite clicking with it. Found family pirate-siren trauma-recovery story. I like the things being done with communication difficulties, but on the whole it feels a bit too fanfiction-y, which is not something I tend to like in my original fiction. I'd recommend it if you're a fan of that sort of thing, though!

Comics:

Awful Hospital: Seriously the Worst Ever by Bogleech - the author says they've never read Homestuck. I don't know if I believe them. A glorious gruesome surreal hellish trip through a very very bad hospital, seriously the worst ever, and beyond! I'm pretty early on but enjoying the fuck out of it. I don't know where it's going and I'm scared to find out.

Doctor Strange: Fall Sunrise by Tradd Moore - I read this ages ago, but finally have it in printed edition, and that rules because everything about this FUCKS SEVERELY. the art style is unhinged and brilliant, the writing is weird and beautiful, and the plot is........ the weirdest thing Doctor Strange comics have ever done since Into Shamballa, actually. i'm taking it slow this time because i want to savor every panel.

The Apothecary Diaries (manga edition) - this has been on pause for a bit, because everything else I was reading distracted me, but it's good and it's open in another tab right now, so I'll include it. Murder mysteries in an ancient Chinese court, starring the weirdest poison-obsessed apothecary girl who has ever existed. She poisons herself for fun and gets excited over particularly deadly toxins, I love her to death.

Games:

The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt - I loved the books and the show, so I figured it was about time to actually play the games. I'm a tiny bit addicted to it at this point. It's a good fucking game. I like killing monsters and I like playing Fantasy Magic The Gathering and i really really like the battle music. I'm 100%ing this one or I'm dying in the process.

Lobotomy Corporation - has fallen a bit by the wayside because of the Witcher, whoops, but I do fully intend to get back to it at some point. I know there's some less-than-great stuff going on vis-a-vis the creators, but I'm not really engaging on that level. I'm just enjoying it as an SCP-like creature-management simulator. There's some very fun anomalies with very fun writeups in this one, and I enjoy the mental challenge of figuring out what makes them all tick.

Listening to:

Critical Role, Campaign Three - I'm not utterly obsessed with it, but it's a nice long chunk of listening for me to get my evening routine done to the sound of.

And on my podcast 'I'm all caught up, but I regularly listen when new episodes come out' list are: The Magnus Protocol, Dungeons and Daddies, The Adventure Zone, and Apocrypals.

Watching:

The X-Files - all of it, start-to-finish, because I have somehow managed to avoid all spoilers of a sci-fi cultural touchstone all this time, and I'm really looking forward to seeing where this goes. I love some fucked-up monster-of-the-week sci-fi.

[gauntermetaverse]

Ah, dear moderator of "like-minded" group in VK, yes, you, casting that wide net for the fruits of others' labor and slipping them quietly onto your group page as a stealth master without unnecessary noise. You gather the works—art, screenshots, creations painstakingly crafted with time, skill, perhaps a few muttered curses. Present them in your showcase, gather appreciation, but what's left for the source? Silence. How very… quaint. But you called me "friend," didn’t you? A term suggesting more than silent acquisition.

Now, here's a thought: friends, in my humble experience, engage. They say "hello," they chat, they share a nod, perhaps a wink, and the odd spark of appreciation. They give credit, offer likes, engage in that rare human delicacy called acknowledgment. Artists, creators—they don’t just spin these things from the void to fill your group's aesthetic; they create for recognition, for reaction, for that barest hint of reciprocated interest. Consider this: these works, even those crafted with AI, don’t fall from the sky. They take effort, intention, and, yes, a bit of artful mischief. A small nod, a simple "thank you," or dare I suggest, a like—it’s not much to ask, is it?

So, yes, maybe we are strangers indeed—each of us watching, masked, through a narrow crack in a worn wooden fence, curious but guarded, glancing but never speaking. Isn’t that the nature of it? A dance of observation without true engagement. You, administration, gather and display my creations, my words, each carefully crafted mask of mine, and yet, you never ask what lies beneath. You collect, you copy, even translate—often poorly—but all from a safe distance, your gaze fixed but never truly connecting.

You call us "like-minded," but we’re merely reflections in opposing mirrors, aren’t we? You gaze from your side, editing and posting, but never with the curiosity to reach out and ask what each image, each line, truly means. There’s no attempt to understand my vision or how it might add to your own. As if I am not able to answer. Just a silent lifting of what you like, and a quick translation that loses half its meaning in the process.

Ah, I see it—you’re simply doing your job, keeping it clean, keeping it professional. Nothing personal, right? But tell me, would I still be me if I didn’t want to make it personal? If I didn’t want to push past the polite distance and turn this into something real, something that breathes?

So I ask you, administration—do you have a soul back there? Do you care about the artists and their art, or is it just another item in the daily checklist? Because I want to know who I’m really dealing with. I want to see the human behind the label, the individual behind the echoing “we.” If we’re truly to be “like-minded,” perhaps it’s time you showed a sliver of your own.

[thegreatobsesso]

Alright, well, first off: I'm still here. I'm not great. As an American person with empathy, I am very, very not okay. My heart hurts. My body is torn up from the aftershock; muscle aches, cystic acne, trouble sleeping, the whole deal. And I don't really have words for that first week. That, um, fathomless sadness and anger and fear that took art away from me. And I'm under no delusions that it's upward from here. I truly haven't read the news since November 6th, and I know when I do, it's gonna hit again. And in January it's gonna hit again. And nobody can possibly guess how many other times it's gonna just... be terrible. Right? To try and process the damage that can happen in four years is... Well. Right now, I'm in a sort of denial and I'm letting that feeling settle in and take root. The brain can't sustain a crisis state for too long, or, maybe my brain can't, and so when it says let's pretend nothing's wrong, I don't have the heart to deny it.

And when art came back - when I was able to engage with it again without what is even the fucking point overwhelming me to an inevitable stopping point - first I did some writing and then I started this, and it has sustained me for days. Being finished with it is a mixed bag of emotions, because it's basically been saving my life. I set out to do something that would take a long time, knowing I needed it, and boy did it ever.

This is all my point-of-view OCs - Electra (/Callie), Eve (/Riley), Simon, Grace, Octavius and Milo. Yes, it's in my magic school, but Delaney can accommodate a couple of normies. And I asked them how they were all feeling and got a range of responses. Electra just wanted to be casting cool magic, Octavius was interested in watching the show, Milo decided to play a tabletop game with Grace, and Eve finally, finally, allowed Simon to comfort her.

I think this is my most personal piece to date; I needed to create a safe space for my OCs to mirror the kinds of spaces we all need to create with the people we love right now. Accepting a wide range of reactions from blissful, hopepunk awakenings to funereal sorrow. This is the epitome of making the art I needed to exist, and it's given my mind a place to go that's not despair, and that means something.

[patchwork-artists]

Thank you so much for answering my ask!!!

May I please meet/ask one of your alters what it is like living with Patchwork and how long the alter has been with you?

How is an alter "created"? Again sorry if my wording is off or not good, I'm new to this so I want to be polite but also I just don't know sorry.

How many alters do you have?

Your art is SO LOVELY btw :3

one thing at a time, haha! firstly we're 10 in total counting the host, with 3 subsystems, patchwork, corvidae, and in-betweens. subsystems are like having a neighbour home in the same neighborhood(brain). an alter from one subsystem can not control or interfere with another, at least on ours.

alters can be created in several ways, it varies a lot. you can notice one day that you don't feel alone, or that something in specific doesn't feel you, like it was the case for everyone in the patchwork system. for the in-betweens, an alter can also be created when the brain recognizes a need that isn't being met, and work more inside the brain to the system like gatekeepers, or work outside in social situations. arguably an alter that just brings trouble like a persecutor is still an alter created from the brain recognizing a need isnt being met. an alter can also split out of another alter, all of the corvidae originally came from krow even if today theyre their own thing(and hate krow and krow hates them). but in general on our experience they dont come just after a traumatic event, they can come under a lot of stress, or even when things look calm.

i saw someone once say that did isnt multiple personalities as much as one underdeveloped personality, and i sorta get it because when i found out i had did, i broke down on the streets saying "i dont know how long i can pretend to just be one person", and i think sometimes thats sorta it. like our brain is an old machine trying to run new software, it just cant handle this fully fleshed singular identity that everyone has. it doesnt work this way. i know theres also polyfragmented systems that have some alters more for functions rather than personality, and it just further makes me think that this whole thing is just a way of the brain to process existing, and everyone processed and handles existence differently bc its just such a complicated experience

and on the alter ask thing! i have two cohosts, Harpy, and Krow. Krow has technically been with me for two or three years but went through major identity changes, you wouldn't imagine it was the same person at all. so current Krow has been with me since...the end of last year, maybe? december, i think. while Harpy, i think since may of last year? harpy's from corvidae, krow's from patchwork. what they wrote on the experience

Krow: there's nothing to say about it that i haven't yet. what AM feels for humans i feel for being a system. its a cage and i need to scream for a whisper to be heard outside. no one will ever see my real face, hear my voice, be attracted to my looks. but what most pisses me off is that im forced to someones life. their relationship their family their education their career. the only way to be seen at all, to escape, is to throw myself in the public's eyes. im in an art gallery exhibition right now, first of many, and im not there because i dream of being. im not there to be some fancy arrogant artist. im there cause its the only way for someone to see me At All. under a fake name, with no face attached, because if i want to be seen i need to consider how itll impact pierre. if i want to post art i need to ask first. if i want to engage in hobbies, paint, study, i have to make sure everyones okay with it because everyone wants this time. this is pure hell. but at least ofélia is also here

Harpy: I don't it find that unpleasant. I understand the conditions of sharing the same 24 hours with 10 other people is rather harsh, but we have years ahead of us. I'm thankful for what I learn through other perspectives, and to always have my child and mate anywhere I go to. I'm thankful that i can trust Pierre will do his best to cater to my desires and hobbies, despite how busy his schedule is. It is a shame I can not be as devoted and religious as I wish, it is a shame I have to live far away from my culture and not belong to it as it is not any other alter's culture, and it is a shame I can never fly. But I understand now that I was put on a human's body because a human is not built to be a servant like I was, and has outgrown animalistic traits. I was put on a human's body to experience humanity though their eyes. This was a gift from mother nature, and despite the frustrations and hard limitations, I will cherish getting to learn from masters of popular culture, learn herbal medicine to help and serve the ones around me as a form of gratitude, and I will dance and perform and be thankful so many humans gathered around to see my flight. I only have one life, and I refuse to live in misery.

outside of their feelings theres just a lot of little complexities on this existence, like power dynamics, relationship dynamics, priorities and hobby division, a care for the body and switching breaks, etc.

[clever-and-unique-name]

Oh. Something in me is snarling and snapping. Okay.

Sorry, most of you aren't going to have a lot of context for this because it would take far too long to explain and these feelings are melting my brain. The short story is I made a discord server 4 years ago for friends with OSDDID and just left it yesterday.

I still have a couple friends there still. So I've been kept abreast of the conversations that happened in the wake of me leaving. Because nothing can ever be discussed openly, to the face of who it's about, right? That's a big part of why I left in the first place.

So, some things, to recap, mostly for my sanity. Sorry, this is going to get extremely long, because I want to say all I need to say.

Initially, I made the server to foster a small, intimate community of people with OSDDID. One of those people is someone who groomed me as a teenager.

Over time, some of the people there helped me realize I was in a toxic relationship with that person. When things finally came to a head and that person left the server (2? years ago?), I was...very not okay. But I had people there supporting me through it, and we got closer through the fallout. I am genuinely thankful for their support through it. It would have been exponentially more rough without them.

Time passed. I went from being unemployed to working full time. I had less time to spend socializing online, partially due to the strict divide between our work-parts and home-parts. I began to neglect my friendships, and though we tried--god, we really did try--we just couldn't figure out how to talk more than maybe once a week, when the right alignment of parts were out to be Home and Social in the way we felt we needed to be. And it just dwindled from there.

At some point around there, I started talking to B. We bonded over our shared love of art and character creation. She was welcoming to all of my parts, insisted on talking to anyone who was present. A novelty for me, to be individually recognized and not have to hide anyone. She got me on my stressful days and rough nights--vulnerable times I didn't feel I could share with people previously. We have talked every day for two years.

Resentment began to grow from the people I'd previously been close to. Obviously...it hurts to be told that someone doesn't have space for you like they used to, while they're clearly engaging in a close and intimate friendship with another person. I tried to reassure that I still cared about people, and tried to reach out when I could, but it kept cropping up with different people in the server: you don't care about me anymore, we're clearly not friends anymore, well you can make room for her so why not me. It was almost like clockwork for a bit, once a month someone new would step forward and I would try to put out the fire again.

(The thing is, every single one of these people expressed that they completely understood and sympathized/empathized with my limited social ability. They insisted that our level of contact was fine, until it apparently wasn't and they confronted me about it. So as I was having a conversation with one person with them saying "No it's totally okay that we don't talk much, I still love and care about you sooo much!", I was fielding a convo from a different person who had said the same thing to me weeks/months ago, talking about how I had actually been horribly neglecting them and that we weren't friends anymore.)

Then around a year ago, that person I mentioned, the one I knew as a teenager, created a new account to bypass my blocks, and reached out to me again. Trying to "apologize" for something, the subject of which had me questioning if someone I knew was tipping them off to things I was processing semi-privately. Right at the crescendo of all the other social issues.

Lit match. Powder keg. Boom.

I withdrew hard. From absolutely everyone but B. I didn't know who to trust with their reassurances of "we're totally okay, love and care about you!" I didn't know who harbored resentments. I knew, from past experiences, that there were people in the server prone to gossiping with each other, and I had stepped on their toes by pulling away from them. I mean. That's how we had bonded in the first place--by us privately talking about the person I knew, among others. You know what they say about bad karma.

I all but disappeared from the server, owner in name only. I fought the urge to delete it, and instead promoted others to mods so I could further remove myself. Every time I attempted to talk there, I was overwhelmed with anxiety to the point of physical illness. I tried to convince myself that it was all in my head, that I was just having attachment trauma, that I could sit with my discomfort and everything would be fine. More and more, it felt like the only person I could truly trust to be emotionally attached to was B. Out of 20-odd people, 6 had heel-turned and told me I hurt them with my distance. I was just waiting on the rest to do the same. And waiting. And waiting.

And suddenly, a couple days ago, another server "friend" (I hesitate to call anyone that because it was impressed upon me, multiple times, that I was not being a friend to people) blocked me. I found out when I went to send them a meme and discovered I couldn't. I thought I was used to it, I thought I couldn't be blindsided anymore. But it had been a while since it had happened; I thought everyone who had a limit with me had reached it.

I checked our convo history. Yet again: us talking about how much we understood each other, how we're both prone to isolation, how we still cared about each other.

Upset, I told B, who was also friends with them. Who immediately found out she was blocked too.

So we both decided to leave the server. We announced it yesterday afternoon, and hung around to talk a bit, wanting to leave as little confusion as possible without outright calling anyone out. We knew there were people there who didn't know about any of this going on (I'm so sorry for all the drama that's been dumped on your feet, guys.) We also knew there were people there who had been talking about all this behind our backs--we just didn't know how many. Again, the suspicion and speculation and "when will it happen again" was really what was eating us alive.

We left amicably. And then as soon as the doors were closed, of course people stepped forward to talk about how I had just stopped caring about them to focus on B instead. As if it was that simple. As if they had stopped at any point to talk to me about it (and the ones who did vehemently denied that it was an issue of comparing our friendship to mine with B.)

Caring was never the issue. I cared about people until they blocked me, or outright told me I wasn't a friend to them anymore. I kept caring about people, against my fears that it would end like that again, because it's just my nature to care. But caring in silence doesn't feel like much of anything, does it? I know that. I'm sorry for the way I've made people feel from that. But connection is a two-way street--where the hell were you? B has talked to me every day for two years. When someone talks, I respond. If you wanted me there, where the hell were you?

[kygerbearr]

explain ur persona 5 thoughts better nerd. not saying i disagree, i just wanna know what's going on in that head of urs

if such a thing were possible I would say persona 5 is bad on an objective level. I don't believe there to be objectivity in relation to art so it doesn't quite reach that point, but only because it is fundamentally impossible to do so. I do think it reaches the closest it can possibly get to that point, mainly because almost every single aspect of the game undermines itself.

the first thing that stands out is the entirely of ann takamaki's character arc, which I also think is the one that they handle the best, at least before they undermine it entirely. for those who don't know, her character arc revolves around being objectified and sexually harassed, mainly by the gym teacher but it's presented very much as a thing that all women have to deal with. how this character arc ultimately pans out is that she learns to face that objectification head on, while simultaneously weaponizing the very thing that tormented her in the form of her persona which resembles a dominatrix. a woman overcoming something like that is really powerful and I think it was handled very well, if it weren't for one thing.

they completely sideline her immediately after her arc. she is no longer relevant in the story. not only this but 90% of morgana's dialogue is him thirsting over her and it's frankly just annoying. this will spark a running theme where things are established and the resolved swiftly, with no amount of depth or nuance to the story whatsoever.

one of the most interesting aspects of the game narratively is the detective, goro akechi, who serves primarily as an anti-hero in the first part of the game by hunting the phantom thieves, before becoming somewhat of an ally halfway through and joining the phantom thieves. this could have been interesting had they not completely destroyed his character by the final part of the game in which he's revealed to be a villain, and worse, all of his actions are entirely fueled by daddy issues. the portrayal of his character completely drops the intelligence and craftiness of a detective and then adopts an appearance of psychotic behaviors and general bloodlust, at which point the dynamic he has with Joker and the phantom thieves is completely shattered.

after this reveal the game goes on to make up an entirely new villain, waffles on about the collective unconsciousness, society's unwillingness to self-govern and makes up a final boss thats just god while simultaneously representing every deadly sin, which conveys absolutely nothing. the only thing that could possibly be extrapolated from this would be "gods bad, church bad" which is such a 17 year old type of thing to come up with.

similarly, many aspects of the gameplay and narrative revolve around high school experiences, all of which are inane and pointless if you fail to relate to it. which I am willing to accept that I may not be the core audience for persona 5, but only if we're ready to accept that the target audience are teenagers who lack the reading comprehension to process anything more than the most milquetoast stories about rebellion

the daily life sections of the game repeat the same 5 cutscenes with different worded dialogue until the chapter is finally cleared. none of the thoughts shared in the in-between days amount to anything and it's just empty drivel. it's nothing. persona 5 is the most nothing type game I have ever played.

and while I did point out the one good aspect of ann's character arc, as well as the complete fucking fumble of akechi's character assassination, that's not even to say everything about all the other characters. which I don't have much to say about, because they all lack any amount of depth whatsoever.

yusuke's arc is the least offensive of them as I think his character is a little fun and what he learns about himself, his art, and his past is a fairly engaging plotline, but it still has no connection to the entire rest of the game.

makoto's arc is decent and I like her character, I like the portrayal of her own rebellion and the dynamic she has between her sister and the unique complexities of being involved with the phantom thieves while her prosecutor sister hunts them down serve as an interesting way to navigate the concept of dependency (since her backstory involves her parents not being there, and the sisters having each other) but the way the writers handled this caused her to have the spotlight for so long that most other characters get sidelined like ann

ryuji's story is nothing. I have nothing to say about this. it's actually nothing. haru's story I have nothing at all to say because I don't think I could name 5 things about her that matter. futaba's story is decent overall and her social link is cool since you're helping her learn how to function as a human being so I will let hers slide.

in regards to royal, the plot has an opportunity to redeem itself, but ultimately fails to do so as it follows the most generic concepts of loss, ignorance being bliss, believing in the most comforting of lies, etc. kasumi's character is almost interesting if she actually learned anything from it but she's fundamentally no different than when she started even after dropping her facade.

and thats all without going over the insanely bad game design choices but I don't feel the need to go into that since the most egregious part of this 80 hour story-based JRPG, is the fucking story. and it's wholly irredeemable.

I genuinely think that if you enjoy persona 5 you're either wholly uncritical about the media you enjoy, you're 15 and it's the first time you've felt an emotion, or you're genuinely so fucking stupid and lack any amount of reading comprehension that you think it's anywhere close to a good story. I think there is not a single argument that could be made in defense of its story. play a real game

[globmcelton]

Hello Lost Fandom

If you checked my account, which I'm sure you haven't, you may already know that I have decided to step down from making my Lost comic, Island of the Lost.

This is for a multitude of reasons, including practical ones like school, extracurriculars, eventually getting a job, taking care of my pets, etc. I would like to have some free time for myself and my irl friends. Earlier this year, I would have considered my comic something fun that I was willing to spend free time on, but that has since changed.

As time passed, my hyperfixation on Lost faded. Although I still love it very much, it has become more of a passive interest for me, and spending a majority of my time working on something that, yes, is my own project, but is still essentially just a version of something I am no longer passionate about would cause me great anxiety and the prospect of already has.

And to be truthful, the project was extremely ill planned. I had no concept art, no finished outline, and I was banking on the fact that I would not have to alter much at the beginning of the story, which I now see is an incredibly stupid thought. I apologize and fully take accountability if I made the project seem more fleshed out than it really was.

Lost is a beautiful, wonderful story with characters that feel incredibly close to me, but it is not without significant flaws. Unfortunately, I am 100% confident that at the moment or really any time in the future I will not be able to do justice to the story, and the lives of these characters, nor have I ever truly been.

Thank you to everybody in the fandom that has given me support and has grown to become a friend. I am so sorry for letting you all down, since I and all of you were so exited for this project to come to fruition. I will still be posting in and engaging with the Lost fandom, but I fully understand if anyone wants to unfollow me or stop engaging with my content, and it is your right to be mad at me.

If you have gotten this far, thank you so much for reading my long and unnecessarily verbose rant. I once again apologize for dropping the project and any people I may have let down in the process, and if by some miracle my account still interests you, I have nothing but respect for you and I cannot thank you enough.

-Io