#this concept of separation really doesnt make sense to either of them at all and their father is all abt keeping the family name pristine

[fortifice]

His father’s tirades were often callous reminders that his children were thankless as they were negligent. all the assiduous work of their forefathers could be rendered nugatory by two children and their predilection for not adhering to his rules, failing to meet his expectations over and over. Those proud, detailed portraits lour at them as they are steered into their father’s study, his voice raucous as its timbre pitched higher and more fierce. They could not hope to fathom the importance of their family, their noble heritage more than a child’s mind could comprehend. Serval was obdurate, even at such a young age she would rebut without thinking of the repercussions, the punishments she received only served to harden her will not break her into a more congruous form. Gepard was quiet, reticent, in the long, commanding stretch of his sister’s shadow he was far more malleable, he would listen, learn, become what was intended of him. Their father had to appraise his children not as youths but as potential, they would be crafted to up hold their esteemed family’s banner, it was their destiny. Gepard never understood why his sister and father fought, often, he would cover his ears with cupped hands and drown out their ire. It didn’t make sense, that afternoon had teemed with so much delight that even Gepard had returned him with a brisk skip to his stride, his sister’s laughter dulcet. He had known they would get in trouble, they always did when they circumvented their father’s lessons but the joy had been so palpable that it had left him humming pleasantly. 

His sister knew a secret place, one where only children could go, the time permitted to adventuring was endless, there would be other kids like them there. The Landau siblings were familiar with the aristocratic circles of society but their children were always haughty and indifferent, forming any sort of meaningful bond with them felt impossible. His sister’s expression would often sour when their father suggested they make nice with the other children, they were always so boring she would say, he agreed because their glacial hostility made him balk. The children who played out on the old, scrap heap were excited just to meet new faces and quickly ushered Gepard into their game of kings and monsters. For the first time he wasn’t scolded for acting brazenly but encouraged to and as their narrative came to a conclusion he found his chest puffed out with pride as he guarded his pile of resplendent gems and gilded treasure, which was infact just tangled wire and metal scavenged from refuse. Serval fit the role of valiant princess much more than the insipid one of noble’s daughter, the children rallied behind her as she approached his den, the piece of wood she christened her blade lowered and pointed at her brother. He laughed, it sounded almost as arrogant as those other children, his hands poised on his hips as he barked “ You won’t take my treasure from me you..” he paused, considering how he should insult his elder sister “ fool !” and he waved his tiny clenched fist at her. Serval met the challenge by swiping her blade through the air, narrowing her frosty eyes and taking a confident step forward. “ It’s over for you dragon.” How could it be a bad thing, he thinks, as Serval bickers pointedly and his father glares down at her with contempt, if everyone else was having so much fun. “ You cannot be messing around with commoner’s children.” his father’s cadence is withering, his fury makes the room feel suffocatingly cold.  “ we didn’t hurt anyone, we were just playing.” she retaliates, her hands on her hips now as a defense, there’s no pride in that. They were just children after all, they didn’t know any better but what did better mean when the sliver of joy was pilfered by adult’s with selfish motives. “ I won’t hear another word of it.” he stands behind Serval in that moment and she is much like she was as a princess hardened by battle, a pillar of protection for any who gathered before her. The argument was over, their bedtimes would be straight after dinner and there was no more room for disagreement. As the two of them marched off to their room, Servals fists balled at her side, trembling, he felt like he did not understand how this was fair, that those children who had welcomed him so readily could be branded as unworthy. He wanted them as friends far more than he had ever wished for friendship from a noble’s child. He wants to ask her what it means - why they can’t but he can see his sister is on the verge of tears and it makes his chest tighten. How could their father believe something like that ? that those children could never be their friends. 

[actualbird]

where is the nxx sleeping during the bakerlon event because there appears to be a limited number of rooms which makes me think they all either have rooms next to each other or that they’re sharing?? I’m sure there’s extra rooms off camera but i also find the thought of them all crammed into a tiny room like snakes in brumation quite funny

filed under: asks that got me googling the word "brumation"

but this ask is also so funny and so good i love it. according to the little bits of narrative description in the event story, the room situation seems to be "everybody has their own room but these rooms are joined to a share lounge" (i dont have a screenshot of the narrative description where this was heavily implied but trust me, it's in there....somewhere) which okay makes sense

UNTIL IT DOESNT

five rooms connected to a shared room??? on a TRAIN??? that simply does not make spacial sense. at most, there can be two (2) rooms connected to a shared lounge, if im understanding the concept of trains correctly. like, it'll look like this:

becaUSE THE ALTERNATIVE REALLY DOESNT MAKE MUCH SENSE AT ALL SDJFVDJKSS

like, okay, maybe the train is a 2-storey train and the bedrooms that dont fit are on the second floor, but thats a reach given how nobody on the train ever once mentions a 2nd floor. and, okay, the story also takes liberty in going past what we see visually because otherwise how would so many guests fit on a train that only has 8 rooms and whatnot but like......STILL

the most likely arrangement if we want to stay canon to both the story and the visual representation of the train is really 2 bedrooms with a shared connected lounge situation.

but then how would the room division go? logically, it should be divided like 2 people in one room and 3 people in the other, and given how much they all love mc, theyd want her in the roomier room with less people. BUT knowing the boys, theyre not letting Anyone bunk with alone mc because HOW DARE YOU.

so the most likely room sharing situation is

mc all alone in one room and living it up

all the boys sharing the other room

because theyre silly

in terms of bed situation this is easy because bunk beds are a thing, but also theyre in the luxury car, so theyll be in.....luxury bunk beds??? idk. i figure the event organizers of this train trip got boggled when they saw that the nxx team wanted to room together As A Set instead of in separate rooms like a sane person room

the boys: no no. we come as a set. do not separate us from our emotional support miss mc rosa qiangwei

mc: im so sorry theyre always like this

so yeah thats how i think rooms are working. it's only the boys crammed into a tiny room like snakes in brumation

[itgomyway]

former limiting beliefs i used to hold and how i let them go ♡

(disclaimer: these are based off of my own experience! share yours on your own blog 🥰)

“the 3d HAS to reflect the 4d just understand you have it in your 4d no matter what.” um there is no separation between the 3d and 4d when you are already 1 being (consciousness). theres no need to live in a separate entity known as imagination when its the same as the “3d” anyways. the concepts of “imagination” “physical world” or “3d” are just false forms of consciousness youve made up and personified it as real. they are not. only you are.

“the more you repeat your affirmations the more likely they will come” theres nothing to “do” or say that will bring me my desires since i am everything i already am my desires. the idea of “doing” anything to “get something” outside of me doesnt make sense when its all in me. affirmations can be used to “bring things to your awareness” but understand the affirmations themselves are STILL not bringing you anyway. just making you aware of things.

“dont check the 3d! you’ll be in a state of lack/showing yourself you dont have it!” PLS GIVE ME A BREAK?? why the fuck are you telling urself you are with someone but afraid to check their socials or for their notifications? either date someone u like or you dont think you have it. because lets be honest. if you really were in a relationship with your desired person the idea of “checking the 3d”- which u already claim IS your 4d- shouldnt be an issue. and if it is then something aint right but i wont judge!

“youre in a state of neutrality if you dont care ab not getting your desires and you dont have them” damn yall strict asf. you cant even be indifferent without it meaning something. you either have it or you dont. if im indifférent its bc i have it why stress? fucking decide already

“neville taught ab non dualism!” here we go. then why tf did you misinterpret his words like that and make it sound obnoxious? i believe he did, just like his teacher, teach non dualism (the power of awareness by him is great) but his teachings are a far cry from the nonsense most of you spew in his name. and dont even get me started on how neville used to refer to the law of assumption as the “law of consciousness” but i digress. if you separate yourself or any aspects of being then it isnt non dualism.*

going into my next point “you HAVE to read source to understand!!” i am so glad most of the law of assumption community is breaking free from this mindset cuz you infact do not HAVE to read anything. if you are the operant (main) power doesnt this mean you are your own source? oh i thought so…

“work on your self concept to manifest your sp if you dont have them your sc is shitty” well it wasnt shitty til you told me i had work to do 💀. once again there is NOTHING you need to do but “be”. working on your sc can help u feel better ab yourself for sure but its not required!

for supposedly limitless beings, a lot of yall are very limited. be careful who you get your advice from because personally i wouldnt take after someone whos too scared to text their sp- oops i mean significant other. (disclaimer: once again not bashing loa just the users who can’t decide that they believe and switch every other day. very common on law of assumption twitter!)

if you realize youve been limiting yourself this whole time and now youre like “what now-“ well as ive stated before, theres STILL nothing you need to do. youre not missing anything. this isnt a blog on why you dont have your desires, i cant tell you the answer im not your creator. (you also are everything so you in fact have your desires)

like non dualism, i hope to share this way of life with you as you’re not getting anything so theres no need for limitations. LIVE YOUR LIFE. if someone is advising you to fear your own power then ignore them cuz wtf! life is suppose to be fun not a rule book!

*disclaimer: i have nothing against neville goddard. i really like some of his teachings. however i would never go to one of his living students for advice, ESPECIALLY on twitter. not only do most parrot the same limiting beliefs he himself didnt hold, but most are obnoxious about the topic of the law of assumption. i don’t even “manifest” but if i were trying to and had them to go to I’d probably cry. if you really wish to read “source”, read The Power Of Awareness by Neville Goddard and Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle 💜 learn from the teachers themselves FIRST <3

© itgomyway

[pinnithin]

long kind of sad gay poast ahead

saw something about loving the unlovable and it got me thinking about how its a central theme in most of my writing. paired with like, isolation, being separate/other, the doomed concept of human connection, being the only person who can love and understand you the way you need, etc - i watched evangelion way too young if you couldnt guess.

anyway and this is due to the fact that a core part of my identity and personality revolves around the fact that i considered myself unlovable for the majority of my life, first unconsciously through childhood neglect, then by choice as some "you cant fire me i quit" teen angst sort of thing, then by a doomed sense of resignation all through college. its a significant part of how i see myself even now after years of working to unlearn it - ive managed to dial it back to "im difficult to love" which still isnt great but yknow. better than it was

which is why i have attachment issues and preferred one night stands for a long time. my romantic relationships (many of them short lived) have been with well meaning partners who assured me constantly that like, even though youre difficult to love its worth it. and that was all nice and good but it made me feel so fraudulent and disgusted with myself because it put me in the position of thinking either 1) this person doesnt actually know me that well at all or 2) i have somehow tricked this person into thinking under all the baggage theres someone worth loving. which is something i find difficult to reconcile with because the baggage is me too. i cant get rid of it. inevitably those people got wise and it ended up not working out.

by now have all these arguments and strategies geared up to explain to people who make the mistake of caring about me that its really not worth the effort, we're better off as friends or acquaintances, etc. im very transparent about the issues i deal with so its all just laid out there from the beginning and im not like, tricking people into being in a relationship with me or whatever by hiding it. ive talked in circles with exes over and over along the general lines of "im difficult to love" > "no youre not" > "i have xyz wrong with me and i push people away, trust me you dont want to deal with this" > "okay well we can work on that, and youll get better and itll be worth it" > "what if i never get better" > "you will, ill help you" > [me relenting bc im unable to dash their hopes and dreams that even if i Get Better im still Me at the core and the things that make me difficult to love are a permanent part of me]

the relationship im in now doesnt even let me get into that. shan is just like, youre not. youre not difficult to love, youre actually very easy to love and it has always been easy to love you, even before we were dating. and i dont have a comeback for that.

even with my usual strategy of "heres an itemized list of all the reasons dating me is a risk" theyre just like well sure, thats difficult for you to deal with, and im sorry its so hard for you, but that doesnt make you difficult to love. the loving is easy. that part has always been easy.

she doesnt treat me like a problem that needs to be solved she doesnt try to be my savior from myself she doesnt give any indication that shes just waiting it out until i reach a certain threshold of acceptable or unacceptable. she just loves me and trusts me to take care of myself, and it places a lot of personal responsibility on me to be better - not for us but for me, because im the only person who can do that and they know it.

its the healthiest relationship ive ever been in and ive never felt so safe and free to be myself. i dont need to live up to any expectations to eventually make myself lovable. im easy to love. hard thing for me to believe in self practice but going back to the inherent disconnect between all humans, who am i to know or control what they consider easy or difficult? i dont judge her when something she finds difficult is easy for me, so why wouldn't the opposite be true?

[rosebloodcat]

i know youve had the concept of whether or not Ingo came back with his hisui pokemon or not up for debate, but Ive been partial to the idea on in the aspect that the introduction of them to emmet would be comedically difficult. like, provided ingo would have had to arrive with them, he probably hid them somewhere like inside a tree or something. And since Emmet rescues him from the poachers, and brought him to the pokemon hospital, and given that Ingos memory is…splotchy… he probably doesnt remember exactly how to get BACK to where he left his pokemon. so ingo doesnt know how to get there, nor can he tell emmet that he left his pokemon somewhere, but its important so hed have to get a bit innovative with how he could tell his brother. but his options are probably very limited. so hes be left having to do things like… say point at random trees or offer Emmet a leaf, and Emmet of course doesnt know why Ingo is doing this behavior. But, for pokemon, giving their trainers random things like leaves or rocks or random screws they find on the ground is a normal thing when they really like them. Emmet, of course is trying to figure out the whole situation with his brother but theres one thing for sure and thats that Ingo LOOKS like a pokemon. So Emmet would probably assume, maybe his brother isnt all right exactly in the head, hes had some blank looks, seemimg puzzled and not like he understands everything, so maybe Ingo also THINKS like a pokemon too now. So Emmet probably doesnt want to be rude to Ingo, and accepts the offered leaf and thanks him, and that is of course not what Ingo meant at all. So you can probably see how the whole situation could become vexing for him. I dont know, Im sorry for rambling at you, but the whole brain worm was just to comedic to leave in my own head.

Honestly, this makes perfect sense to me.

I think, at some point though, Ingo would get tired of Emmet not understanding what he's trying to say and would just... Start climbing trees and checking hollows himself. Make use of those sturdy Sneasel Claws he's got and try to search for them.

Emmet is either scrambling after Ingo to keep from losing/being separated from him or Ingo drags him to the forest by hooking his claws in his brother's coat and pulling at him until Emmet followed. (To preserve his coat, if nothing else.)

After a while, I think Emmet would at least pick up that Ingo is looking for something.

What, he doesn't know. But obviously, Ingo is trying to find something. And it seems to be something in a tree?

He doesn't know, but he lets their pokemon out to help because maybe it's something important??

(It takes a while but, eventually, they find the pokeballs.)

[nothorses]

hi i have a question if you dont mind! i have a lot of bottom dysphoria, but i just really can't tell if i have suppressed social dysphoria for the most part, or if i am a trans guy. i definitely know i want a "male" body, but i also know dysphoria isn't supposed to = trans, and there isnt supposed to be such a thing as male or female bodies. so how do i know if i am nonbinary vs a man? or both lol? i dont have many men in my life and i kinda trained myself to not like them, so i cant tell if im just suppressing a desire to be a man. i guess my question is does wanting a penis almost always make you want to be a man, or male-aligned?? thank you im so sorry if this doesnt make sense .. also thank you so much for your posts - they have really helped me realize i had a radfem circle without knowing it and it was keeping me ignoring my gender stuff <3

(sorry again for the super late response!!)

This is definitely a complicated question, and it's got a complicated answer.

So, first: you are totally correct that dysphoria =/= trans, and body =/= gender. You don't need dysphoria to be trans in the first place, and whatever dysphoria you do have does not necessarily dictate the gender you are. Penis =/= man, therefore wanting a penis does not necessarily make you a man, and not wanting a penis does not necessarily mean you do not want to be a man.

Now, the reason we say this is because we're arguing against the cissexist idea that gender originates solely from anatomy:

Anatomical gender model: Gender is determined by the body parts you have (penis = man, vagina = woman).

Which has been extended by transmedicalists to include the body parts you want to have- necessitating that you want those body parts (and subsequently experience dysphoria when you do not have them) in order to be considered that gender. Which leads us to a model that dictates gender as originating in the brain, while sex originates in anatomy, and the idea that these things can be mismatched.

"Brain" gender model: Gender originates in your brain, sometimes separate from your anatomical gender. A "mismatch" between the two is where dysphoria comes from.

This also has some flaws; it doesn't leave room for trans people without dysphoria, it still equates anatomy to gender (penis = man, vagina = woman), and it doesn't leave room for nonbinary people either.

So now we have a few other models for understanding gender:

Social gender model: Gender is determined (or at least heavily influenced) by one's relationship with social gender roles and cultural values around gender.

Internal gender model: Gender is intrinsic, internal, and individual. There is no external influence or determining factor; it's entirely within you.

"Gender is a social construct" model: Gender does not exist, it's just a lie made up by the patriarchy. Nobody experiences gender; they just experience gender roles. (This is sometimes coupled with the anatomical gender model, esp. with TERFs).

I'm very much of the opinion that none of these models can really stand alone; gender can be influenced by one's relationship to social/cultural values, it can be entirely internal, and for some people, gender can be completely irrelevant; maybe only their anatomy matters to them, or maybe they just have no concept of gender at all.

What's important here is that all of these experiences are individual and personal, and everyone is going to have a different concept of gender, what it means, and where it comes from for them personally. All of those experiences are legitimate, and deserve respect and space in the conversation.

Which means that, yes, sometimes gender is attached to anatomy for some people. Dysphoria is still a real experience that people have, and it can absolutely be attached to gender.

I was dysphoric about my breasts because I am a man. I understand that men can have breasts, and I see other men with breasts as men. But I, personally, needed to have them removed in order to be at peace with my body, because I am a man, and because I could not see my own body as a man's body until I did not have breasts anymore.

At the same time, much as I would like to have a penis, I can see my body as that of a man's without one. That's just how gender works for me- it doesn't need to mean anything about anyone else.

So yes, wanting a penis does not necessarily make you a man; but that doesn't mean that wanting a penis necessarily means nothing at all, either.

The question I would be asking is not just "what is my gender", but rather, "what does gender mean to me, personally? How do I need to see myself in order to be happy, and what do I need in order to get there?"

[gwenguistics]

it breaks my heart that so many people who dont know much about linguistics hear about the idea of Linguistic Relativity, also called the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis, which is the idea that people who speak different languages think differently, that language actually affects how you think, and go “oh yeah that makes sense! huh, thats so interesting!” jkvsldfmvjkefnbm;lebmeblk

it’s a racist pseudoscientific theory that is deeply harmful, completely without any evidence whatsoever, and really just utterly nonsensical if you understand what its implications actually are. it doesnt just mean “well, spanish has grammatical gender and english doesnt, so spanish speakers see tables differently than english speakers because spanish speakers think of it as having a gender”. no, that’s not what this hypothesis is saying. it’s saying that there should be physical differences in the brains of people who speak different languages. there are cognitive differences between spanish speakers and english speakers. that’s completely untrue. 

you can talk about any topic in any language. no language is better than any other at any task. language isnt relative, it’s like a constant or whatever. people often cite languages without separate words for blue and green, calling them by the same word, such as japanese (which is only partially true by the way, its more complicated than that), and they say “ah, see? japanese speakers perceive color differently than english speakers, since english calls those colors by different words”. but that’s bullshit and any bilingual japanese-english speaker will tell you that lmao. all that proves is that colors are grouped into words differently. but japanese speakers and english speakers perceive the same wavelengths of light. it’s just a matter of which they give names to. you’d just call them different shades of one color, or say “sky-bluegreen” or “leaf-bluegreen” in order to convey the same meaning as saying “blue” or “green” in english. it’s not that complicated. that’s a difference in vocabulary, not in cognition. 

it just really bums me out how widespread this idea is, because it can have really harmful effects. if you believe this theory, then you can easily be sold the idea that speakers of a certain language (usually one that is primarily spoken by people of color) are less intelligent than speakers of another language (usually one that is primarily spoken by white people). like, saying “did you know that this language has no word for time? they cant even conceive of time...” when in reality that’s just a misunderstanding of how that language actually talks about time, with no one singular word that corresponds neatly to the english word “time”, but rather with many ways to discuss the whole range of concepts that english speakers all group together under one word, “time”. that doesnt make them less capable of discussing time, and crucially, that “specificity” wouldnt make them more capable of discussing time either. it’s just a vocabulary difference, not a cognition difference.

people hear about the theory without knowing much about linguistics and they think its cool or something, thinking that knowing french will cause you to see the world differently, idk. but isnt the idea that any concept can be expressed in any language way fucking cooler? the idea that our capacities to learn, to think complexly, and to express ideas in the form of language are all universal and also infinite... isnt that more amazing? 

[ohmotherwhatsthat]

Do you have headcanons about the disciples, like the Twelve or Magdalene, Joanna...? One of the reasons why i love The Chosen is that i started to imagine them as *real* people and thought about how they could have been

Honestly SAME. I feel like there were certain things I picked up on before The Chosen, particularly with Peter where its like random rock metaphors in his letters, and when you get the whole 'peter means rock'/'on this rock i will build my church' thing, you're like look if anyone is qualified to make ALL the rock metaphors its Peter.

And i really love the fact that The Chosen has taken my absolute delight in remembering that the people of the Bible were REAL people, rather than sunday school story characters to a whole new level.

Honestly the same reason I love biblical fiction as well.

I dont know i have headcanons pe se... but like, there's definitely characters I'm super interested in, and from reading the Bible, have so much curiosity about the random side characters who only get mentioned once or twice.

And to be honest I also try and separate the concept of non-textual or historical contextual 'headcanons' about the Bible? 100% down for being like oh i feel like x would be an interesting concept as potentially explaining the context of this character. But mentally I dont really like to refer to them as 'headcanons'... If that makes sense?

But that being said - some random things

Peter seems to love his sheep and rock metaphors (particularly in 1 & 2 Peter), i feel like he would enjoy puns as a result of this

I'm actually super interested by the concept that 'magdalene' may not necessarily have referred to a origin location but was potentially a nickname type thing - this is something that shows up in academia occasionally but isnt super common. I dont know either interpretation actually matters, but i find it a cute concept that theres 'peter' which means rock, 'sons of thunder', in John 11:16 the reference to Thomas as "Didymus" is sometimes translated (such as in the ESV) as "the Twin" and just the concept of these people having nicknames is cool to me

Martha gets a bad rap in the church sometimes - I feel like Mary and Martha and Lazarus love each other a lot, but often I've found when ive heard Mary and Martha talked about, its always with this "mary is better" vibes. Just because martha was wrong in ONE of the encounters we have with her doesnt mean shes a bad example, or that shes argumentative with her siblings

and going off that - i feel like its 100% Martha's house. Like the text obviously says "a woman named Martha opened her home" but like... the fact that its Martha's house is important i think, and also says something about her and her status.

I have a lot of thoughts about Mary and Martha and Lazarus actually ok leave me be, i really hope they show up in the series

ok final thought - personally i feel like they might have gone to Jerusalem with the disciples, and maybe have been at the crucifixion. John 11 and 12 make it clear that there is a crowd that follows Jesus from Lazarus' funeral to Jerusalem, and John 12:12 makes it clear that Jesus' arrival in Jerusalem happens the day after they have dinner at Martha's house

[tothemeadow]

@oozyhxney​ asked:

Okay hear me out...AU where the pillars are the fem!reader's sugar parents. Doesnt have to be spicy but can be if you want to I just want to see how they act as a sugar mommy/daddy. And can the reader call them mommy/daddy??? Thank you!

Alright, so I love this concept so much that I’m turning it into a series? Hello smut and nine people spoiling you 😎

 ~*ᑭᖇOᒪOGᑌE*~

warnings: alcohol consumption, use of tobacco

words: 3.5k

-

It’s a chilly, brisk night, the lights lining the streets casting a golden glow; it’s almost pretty, mysterious in a tantalizing way, but it’s nothing compared to the ornate building you stare up at. The architecture tells you that this building is obviously old, the stone arches beautifully molded and hinting at years gone past. The building itself is secluded from the rest of the city, lined by an iron wrought fence and massive gates. Wealth bleeds from this place, taunts everyone who passes in their cars.

Why you’re even here, you don’t know. Your best friend Daki insisted you tag along for this so-called “gathering,” but you know it’s much more than that. It will be fun, she said. She even dressed you up in some of her clothes; wrapped in a fitted silk skirt, a mesh shirt, and a faux fur coat, you are not dressed like you usually do. Although, you have to admit – blush looks really good on you.

You feel stiff in the expensive clothes – all of them straight from the runway, yikes – as you maneuver out of the car, your heels clacking against the concrete sidewalk. Daki is dressed in a similar fashion, a slinky black gown adorning her curves and a faux fur coat hanging from her shoulders as well. Her painted lips curve into a smile as she looks to you.

“See, darling?” she says, her eyes doing another onceover at you, “you’d fit into the luxurious lifestyle perfectly.”

Behind her, a tall, dark-skinned man emerges from the car, his teeth a pearly white and his eyes a beautiful gold. Even though you’ve met him numerous times, the sight of Daki’s sugar daddy still makes you weak in the knees. He’s insanely gorgeous – not to mention intelligent – and positively dripping with wealth. It’s this “gathering” he was invited to attend in the first place; obviously, he wanted to bring Daki along, but he was also nice enough to let her bring you along whenever he was busy talking to friends and potential clients.

“Are you ladies ready?” he says, buttoning his jacket closed. Daki clings onto his arm, looking almost tiny against his broad frame. He turns his dazingly smile to you, an encouraging look in his eyes. How Daki managed to find a sugar daddy who was so nice, you have no idea. You’re almost jealous of her. Almost.

Daki’s free hand intertwines with yours, and the three of you set towards the front entrance. Your chauffeur drives off, the sweet purr of the Rolls Royce echoing in the night air. An entourage of staff greet you at the entrance, asking for your bags and coats and handing you tickets in return. It happens so fast that you’re left reeling at the attention, but the other two seem perfectly fine with the whole situation.

Soon enough, you’re whisked into a large room, a sea of people filling the entirety of the space. A small orchestra sits on the far side of the room, their instruments pristinely polished as they provide tonight’s entertainment. Tables line the walls, covered with white tablecloths and French pastries. Your mouth waters at the sight, your eyes drawn to the silver platters covered with macarons; you are so going to spoil yourself tonight. A man in waistcoat and black tie stops in front of you three, gently urging you to take a flute of champagne. You sheepishly accept a glass, glancing over to Daki.

“Is it always this… rushed?” you ask her. “It feels like so much is going on at once.”

Separating herself from Idris – her sugar daddy – she merely shrugs a shoulder. “You get used to it, darling. Now, enjoy yourself. You deserve to be treated like royalty once in a while, and I’ll be damned if you don’t.” She gestures to the drink in your hand. “Drink up.”

With a slight sigh, you do as told; the champagne is surprisingly sweet, almost feathery light as it slides down your throat. You’ve never had anything like this before. It’s almost… delicious? Is that the proper word to use here? If anything, it tastes expensive.

As if sensing your inner turmoil, Idris is quick to speak up. “It’s a Shinazugawa special. What’d they call it, babe?” he asks, turning to Daki.

“La Libellule,” Daki responds. “It’s delectable, isn’t it? I’ve always loved the brand.”

You nearly drop the glass. Shinazugawa? Like, the Shinazugawa? One of the most expensive alcohol companies on Earth? Shit, a bottle of their wine is more expensive than your monthly rent – maybe even a couple.

“Yeah,” you say, albeit shakily, “it’s great.”

Idris hums, his expression thoughtful. “I can introduce you to the owner, if you want.” He acts so nonchalant, casually sipping on his champagne as you and Daki drop your mouths.

“Wait, seriously?” Daki chirps. “Please, Daddy? That’d be incredible!”

“Of course, babe,” Idris says, swiftly planting a kiss to Daki’s temple. “If you ladies would follow me…”

Your mind switches to autopilot as you follow after Idris through the crowd, struggling to keep up with his long strides. Delicate perfume and rich cologne fill your senses as you pass by CEOs, celebrities, you name it. It seems almost if everybody who’s anybody is here. Still, Daki keeps a hand in yours, providing you both with support and comfort. She wants you to have fun, after all. She wants you to have a taste as to what her life is like.

As you draw further away from the crowd, you’re led down a hallway with only a couple of stragglers mill about. The music from the main room drifts down the hall, the shiny floors and beige-and-gold walls putting you in mind of royalty. Idris leads you to a solid oak door and stops right in front of it. Glancing over his shoulder, he sends the two of you a teasing smile.

“You might want to prepare yourselves, ladies.” With those words, he twists the brass doorknob open.

Immediately, you’re hit with a rich, thick cloud of tobacco. Spices and citrus mix with the cloud, along with hints of florally perfume. Glancing inside, you’re met with the sight of leather couches and a billiards table. A mahogany bar sits on the other side of the room, its shelves filled to the brim with name-brand drinks and mixers.

A small group of people loiter in the room; your heart drops to your stomach as you quickly come to realize that you recognize all of them. A few men are gathered around the billiards table, watching as one with a head of wild hair takes aim at a ball. Shinazugawa Sanemi – owner and CEO of a liquor company that people pay top dollar for.

Your hand tightens around Daki’s. Is this seriously happening right now? You’re in a room full of influential people, and you feel smaller than a goddamn ant.

There’s a loud clack as Sanemi takes his shot, the balls bouncing off each other and one flying into a pocket. One of the other men standing by the side – Rengoku Kyojuro, an A-list actor – claps his hands, his expression impressed.

“Hey, Shinazugawa-san!” Idris calls out. The entire group turns to look at you three, their conversations coming to a halt. Idris either takes no notice or care as he crosses to the billiards table, his hand reaching out and shaking the group’s hands.

Daki looks to you, excitement glittering in her eyes. “Oh my god,” she whispers, “do you see who’s in here? Daddy is the best!”

At that, you have to agree. How Idris knows so many people like this, you have no clue. You figure it’s part of the life, being friends with the 1%, but it is impressive. Either way, you’re shaking like nobody’s business. You’re not part of the life, and you’re just barely skimming the surface. How does one even act around these types of people? You’re not in a crowd, so you can’t hide away and gorge yourself on macarons and bubbly.

A tall man with silver hair barks a laugh; dressed in a fine suit with rings on his fingers, you notice that it’s Uzui Tengen, a famous producer. The songs he writes are mostly number one hits, some of them even earning platinum records. The thing is, though, is that his music can be primarily found in somebody’s sex playlist. “Idris, you son of a bitch! How are you?” he exclaims, the hand not holding onto a cue clapping down on Idris’ shoulder.

“I’m well,” Idris says with a chuckle. “But I’d like to introduce you to some very lovely people.” Turning around, he beckons you and Daki over. Daki pulls you along, a bright smile forming on her pretty face. “This is my darling, Daki. And this is her friend, (y/n).”

“Well, well, well,” Tengen begins, his voice smoother than silk. Placing his cue down, he pulls his cigarette out of his mouth and quickly takes Daki’s hand in his and places a kiss to her knuckles. She giggles at the attention, her long eyelashes fluttering. Tengen then moves to you, a smirk on his handsome face as he then takes your hand. Your heart nearly stops in your chest, warmth running through your veins as he places his soft lips to the back of your hand. “It’s nice to meet you,” he purrs.

“Oi, didn’t you hear the man?” Sanemi barks. “He’s here for me, you idiot. Get your head out of your ass.” Brushing Tengen to the side, he comes to stand before you and Daki. “So. Idris wanted to introduce you girls to me.”

The fact that he sounds disinterested – even annoyed, damn – makes your heart thud in disappointment. Granted, he’s probably used to meeting people who want to fawn all over him, but can’t he be… You know… Nicer?

“What, am I not allowed to say how much I enjoy your products?” Daki says, her lips pursing into a pout.

Sanemi scoffs as he crosses his arms over his chest. You can’t help but stare at the exposed skin, the first couple buttons of his shirt undone. A simple silver chain hangs around his neck, a small pendant attached. You have to admit that he’s incredibly attractive, even if his personality begs to differ. “Can’t say that it’s the first time somebody’s tried to use that on me.”

“Shinazugawa-san, play nice,” Idris tells him.

Daki holds a hand up to stop him. “No, no, it’s fine. I’ll even tell him that a virgin to your products absolutely loves your champagne.” She nudges your shoulder with her own. “Isn’t that right, (y/n)?”

Sanemi’s steely gaze switches to you. He almost looks amused. “Oh, really now? You’ve never tried my drinks? I’m actually surprised.”

You have half the mind to tell him off, that you aren’t a part of this crowd, but the words die on your tongue. There’s no point in starting an argument with this guy. Sanemi merely jerks his head towards the bar, an inviting glint in his eyes.

“Here, lemme show you what a real drink tastes like.”

You absentmindedly follow him over the bar, passing by Tengen in the process. He merely smirks down at you, the look in his eyes unreadable. Taking a seat at the bar, you watch Sanemi makes his way behind the counter and starts to make up some concoction. Idris sets to talking with the men surrounding the billiards table, going on about some upcoming vacations and the like. Rich people problems, you guess.

Daki comes over and takes the stool next to yours, an expectant look on her face. “Well? What do you think so far?”

“Like I said – rushed. We’ve barely been here for twenty minutes and I feel like I’m going to pass out.”

“It might be shock,” a new voice says. Looking to your right, you see a pretty woman with fair skin and dark hair taking the seat next to you. She holds out a dainty hand in greeting. “Kochu Shinobu. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

Kocho Shinobu. The name rolls around in your head as you try to catch up with the fact that you’re sitting next to a renowned brain surgeon. Taking her hand in yours, you politely give it a shake as you provide her with your own name. Her face is pleasant, the light dusting of eyeshadow on her lids making her large eyes pop. Honestly, if you didn’t know any better, you’d say that she was a model rather than a certified genius.

“Sanemi-san,” she says, her voice dainty, just like the rest of her, “be a dear and pour me a glass of barbera.”

“Doctor Kocho,” you begin, but Shinobu quickly shoots a hand up.

“Please, call me Shinobu. I only like to be called doctor when I’m at work. And, as you can tell,” she says, gesturing to the room with a wide sweep of her arms, “I’m not at work.”

Daki taps on your shoulder with a manicured finger. “Hey, (y/n), do you remember me telling you about my friend Mitsuri?” Turning fully to her, you look over her shoulder at a busty pink-haired female. She flashes you a dazzling smile as your eyes meet hers.

“Hi!” she chirps, waggling her fingers in greeting. With a giggle, she points to your outfit. “I see that somebody has some taste.”

Glancing down your clothes, you suddenly feel very self-conscious about the mesh shirt and the lacy bra it covers. It’s a beautiful shirt, yes, with its scattered silver stones inlaid towards the neckline. The silk skirt you wear flows down to your ankles, leaving your strappy heels on display. It’s an outfit Daki picked out, so you can’t take credit for how utterly great you look.

Daki sends you a knowing look. “Those clothes are from Mitsuri’s fashion line. I say, you look dashing in them.”

You gawk at your friend. “Wait, seriously? I didn’t know these were hers…”

Mitsuri graces you with another giggle. “Don’t worry, sweetie. I agree with Daki – you look incredible.”

“Blah, blah, blah, we get it. (y/n) looks pretty,” Sanemi interrupts. He sets glasses in front of each of you girls, all of them specially made (besides Shinobu’s glass of wine). “Come on, drink up. Once you had a sip of that, you won’t want another drink from anyone else ever again.”

The drink in front of you sits in a tall, pretty glass, its caramel color beckoning for you to try a sip. Hesitantly, you rise the glass to your lips, Sanemi’s focused gaze watching your every move. The alcohol is smooth, sweet; it burns your throat in a pleasant way, leaving you surprised. It’s delicious. Sanemi must notice the expression on your face since a cocky one forms on his own.

“What’d I tell you?”

You nod at him. “It’s amazing. What’s in it?”

Sanemi snickers. “That’s for me to know and for you to find out.” You honestly think your mind is playing tricks on you whenever he sends you a wink.

“Here, (y/n), follow me,” Mitsuri suddenly says. You give Sanemi your thanks before you quickly hop off the stool, leaving Daki to talk with the other two. “I’ll introduce you to everyone else, okay?”

She takes you over to one of the leather couches, two men with dark hair sitting side by side while another sits in a separate armchair. You instantly recognize the large one as Himejima Gyomei, a well-known sculptor; his works are nothing but beautiful, and it’s even more amazing knowing that he’s blind. His hands are truly gifted, and you’ve been following after his work for years.

“Oh, wow,” you breathe. “Uh, Himejima-san?” He perks up at your voice, the hand holding his Scotch lowering. “I just… I’m a huge fan of your works, sir.” You try to ignore the heat rising up your neck, the shaking of the drink in your hand.

And, much to your surprise, Gyomei starts crying.

Mitsuri places a hand on your shoulder. “Don’t worry – he does that a lot.” She sends you a reassuring smile. “Anyway, these two are Tomioka Giyuu and Tokito Muichiro.”

The other two men nod their heads in greeting. Unlike the others, they don’t seem the talkative type, but they’re breathtakingly gorgeous. You know Muichiro’s a dancer, having been in numerous shows; his lithe body tells you as such. He almost looks like a doll, with delicate features and crystalline eyes. He wears his long hair loose, the strands of it pushed behind his ears and revealing little silver hoops.

Giyuu, unlike Muichiro, is not in the entertainment business, but a CEO of a company, just like Sanemi. You know that his company deals with water technology, striving to clean up the Earth’s supply while providing others who need it. It’s admirable work, really, and you’re in awe to see him up close.

Mitsuri directs your attention away, pointing at the other person you have yet hear to talk – Iguro Obanai. Again, a successful businessman, except that he owns a ridiculously popular tattoo parlor. People always gush on social media about how cool he is, how incredible his artwork is, how amazing it is to have their ink done by him. To be touched by him is to be touched by a god. He’s just that good.

“You’ll the chance to talk to all of us, surely,” Mitsuri tells you. “It’s always nice to meet new faces.” Pulling you over to the couch, she ushers the other two to move aside so you have a place to sit.

The leather practically sucks you into a world of comfort as you sink down onto its plush cushions. You run your hand over the smooth material, subconsciously wondering just how much this thing is even worth. Your apartment would look great with this couch in it.

“Are you… enjoying yourself?” Giyuu questions you, voice low. He clears his throat. “Sorry. You just seem uncomfortable.”

Your eyebrows shoot up your forehead. Is it that obvious that you’re new to this whole thing? You’re actually impressed that he picked up on that so easily. “Actually, Tomioka-san, this is my first time at a uh, gathering like this.”

A shiver travels down your spine as Giyuu turns his piercing gaze on you. “Oh. So you’re not here with Idris?”

You shake your head no. “I’m only here since Daki wanted me to be. She said I had to experience new things.” With a shrug, you take another sip of your drink; you don’t know why you’re practically spilling your guts to someone you’ve barely met, but something about Giyuu is… comforting, to say the least.

“Wait – does that mean you’re not with anybody?” Mitsuri speaks up.

Looking to her, a weird feeling blooms in your chest. What is that supposed to mean, anyway? “Uh… no?” you say slowly.

“(y/n), come on, let’s go,” Daki suddenly says. She’s standing by Gyomei’s chair, her hands resting on her hips. “I’m hungry and I know you were staring at those macarons earlier.”

You can feel your entire body heat up with embarrassment. True, while you love Daki with every fiber in your body, but she can be an utter brat sometimes. What she wants, she gets. It’s no wonder she became a sugar baby in the first place. You shoot the others sitting around you an apologetic glance as you stand up. Idris is already waiting by the door, seemingly sharing some last words with Kyojuro. Setting your glass down, you say a quick goodbye to everyone as Daki grabs you by the arm and pulls you over to the door.

“I gotta say, Idris, you’ll have to swing around some time for drinks,” Kyojuro is saying, his large hand shaking Idris’. He glances over to you as you and Daki wander over. “Oh, and you should bring your girls along.”

Idris waves a dismissive hand. “The only girl I need is Daki, Kyojuro. I don’t have that type of relationship with (y/n).”

“Oh, is that so?” Kyojuro drawls. His abnormal eyes scan over your body, an appreciate hum rumbling in his chest. He flashes you a brilliant smile; it makes you go weak in the knees since that’s the smile he uses on the red carpet. He’s even more handsome up close and in person. His tailored suit fits him so perfectly, and your imagination is already flying. A lot of the movies he stars in aren’t kid friendly, so you may or may not know what he looks like underneath the suit…

Coughing awkwardly, you attempt to smile at him in return.

“We’ll have to go out for drinks sometime,” Kyojuro tells you. “I’d like to get to know more about you.” The suggestive tone in his voice isn’t lost on you; in fact, it makes you excited. An extremely hot actor flirting with you? Yes please.

“She’ll think about it later,” Daki says for you. “It was nice meeting you, though!” You manage to send a quick wave to everyone in the room before Daki promptly pulls you out, making a beeline towards the main room and the delectable desserts on display.

Well… That was interesting.

[littlenekosfan]

Since no one else asked... Do the boys for the ask meme too uwu There is never too much Bazz and Jugram <3

oh BOY we are here for a fun ride :)

1. Favorite thing about them

that is a rather complicated question since it's so open... hm, lets go about what i like about their character

bazz, his passion, i love that fire he has in his heart, so bright you can see it shine in his eyes, in everything he does.. passionate people are the ones i love to hear the most about, their engagement and enthusiasm always inspires me even if i dont relate, you can tell im a person of love haha, its my most important value and he has no shame in showing that, he always smiles and have that confidence, and still feel like a relatable character, down to earth, and i really love that

jugram is a little harder to love given his... cold persona (no being hot wont count here) but there is something that makes me fall for him and its his unconditional love... he isnt really open about the concept of love, and he very much has his own interpretation of it, where he keeps hiding what it truly holds even to himself... while i dont like how he denies it, he never killed it, he never killed that flame in his heart even if it means it would hurt him in the future... his love for bazz is just beautiful to me, to love someone for all the goods and bad, from the past to the future, to love even if the ideas dont collide with yours... he cant let go bc he genuinely feels love, and im glad he kept it and accepted it despite it all

was that too fanon or vague ?? im probably talking to myself or i talk as if the person heard all my interpretation of these two... very specific, so i dont blame you if you dont get it

tbh there is so much to love, their story, their personality, their contrast, their relationship, their struggles etc etc, its just, SO much and its all so good..

2. Least favorite thing about them

ahh, i always try to see "what went wrong" with these two... while there is a lot of mistake there and there, which are human or misunderstandings, there is one thing that... kind of upsets me, its this

i know what you're going to say, naki you're not supposed to take it literally, but i think it is... the more i read it, the more it makes sense with how they acted in their separation, but has humans, its so.. out of touch... like, oh yeah, never talk about your traumas/struggles/feelings with your partner bc we understood eachother??? bro you've only known eachother for 6months and yall arent even adults....... no way they never talked about that but also, if they had, they wouldnt have had that break up....... anyways, what im saying is, its unrealistic and it actually irks me.........

3. Favorite line

"Don’t worry about what the grown-ups tell you, I’ll teach you everything you need to know, We're gonna become the strongest Quincies, Jugo"

"Ishida Uryu... you should go save your friends..."

both can get my crying in the club... the first one bc it touches me personally, and the second bc... juazz feelings

4. brOTP

jugram: lille, askin, his aide (also aizen ???)

bazz: haha.... who even wants to be friend with him, actually i want to... askin.

bonus with juazz+ichiishi !!!!!! i love that combination sm

5. OTP

ill just list my ships with involving: juazz, juazzbert, jubert, hubazz, baskin

6. nOTP

juhasch....... and lowkey bazzren/jugishi

7. Random HC

well... how about one headcanon of them by age slice

as kids, bazz was jugram's sunshine, too bright sometimes haha, jugram had to take a lot of time to adjust to bazz' energy bc while being cocky and.. arrogant, he's very nice, and he can see that, sometimes it would wear him off since he's not that great, but bazz is too good of an observer, he would quickly notice it and cheer jugram up.. a little hard duo, but they are both trying their best

as teens, they say they are stuck in the forest training but that would require a nice little house wouldnt it? minimum furniture since it's too hard to get some (ahem, sleeping in the same bed for some heat nyehe) but also, that's basically a domestic au lmao but yeah, cooking, doing laundy, bathing.... all stuff together :) i like the idea of bazz being the only one being able to read and jugram learns from him? he takes so much interest that he keeps a journal about their journey or discoveries... bazz too, but not as much... he's too busy being disliked by the neighbor city jfghdfg

young adults/prewar. oh... oh boy, that one i actually need to dev about it with scenarios and my personal hcs but ill go with a ns//fw bc why not :) while they dont talk nor get along well.. like, at all, that doesnt stop them from being... touchy, it wouldnt romantic or anything "reciprocal" (as in, its more selfish/out of impulse then doing *with* the other) but there is def some yearning... lots LOTS of it.. they would kinda regret doing it bc its not right, but they just cant help it...

post war, this one can be very very open and wide, but rebuilding what was lost brings some reconciliation... not fully, but the gap is less... awkward, so they can now talk to eachother without that weird tension, bazz would love teasing jugram but it would always end up falling on his own head fjghdfg,.. there is some up and downs during that time ofc, but no tension like it used to be, they would have some casual talks... too casual that askin can easily pick up how they have history fgjkkfgh

i actually have a lot of hc, such as their physical appearance, their little perks and ofc, their angst... its hard to dev when im just given one random hc fgmjdfg i either end up with scenarios or interpretation rip legit i can make a post of the same length about their hair.. THEIR HAIR.....help

8. Unpopular opinion

i have no shame to blame the very badly received ending of bleach to juazz unpopularity... also ppl considering them as villains, for some reason, yet arrancars gets lots of love and attention but not ritters?? maybe bc of the anime but still?? most ppl in the fandom read tybw now...... sigh..... also, if you dont think romance is possible between them, ill call you homophobe on sight (idm ppl who prefers it platonic, but if you think it "ruins" their relationship, you are so off the grid pal)

also, they are one of the best written characters in the whole series but nobody wants to dig as far as i did.......

and very very hot take but..... you cant have jugram or bazz as a fav if you dislike the other, not sorry

9. Favorite picture of them

and of course

[taki118]

List of Reincarnated into the Villainess of an Otome/Romance Novel Series I Like

Soooooo I’ve gotten sucked into the very specific isekai subgenre?trope? Of girl gets reincarnated into an otome game or romance novel she loves but is the villainess. It’s kind funny how similar these all are but at the same time so different. Now these arent all the titles just the ones I’ve read for at least a volume and like. (if asked i might make a list of the ones that failed for me). I’m gonna separate by types. and if you know of any other titles please do tell me.

Received Past Memories during Childhood

(The story starts with the MC remembering her past life as a child and growing up with the knowledge)

I Reincarnated into an Otome Game as a Villainess With Only Destruction Flags...

So this one has a good deal of traction since it has an anime adaption currently running, but I’ll be honest it’s not one of favs. This series is primarily a harem comedy and most of the jokes deal with the MC’s expectations from the game not matching her new reality and not realizing why, which can be very fun, if one note. The characters are likeable which is why I keep reading but I think some other titles on this list use the concept far better.  There is also a spin off version where the MC doesnt get her old memories until later in life and has to deal with the actions of the game character, but it’s fairly the same you arent missing much if you dont read it. 

The Villainess Want to Marry a Commoner

So in this one the MC isn’t trying to avoid a bad end rather she’s very excited to be able to romance her favorite NPC whom she wished was romance-able. (which honestly mood) I’m not very far in but it really takes the whole this is a game the furthest as there are stat checks and the MC basically carried over all the items and skills acquired in her past playthroughs.

Survive as the Hero’s Wife

A web series, this one takes place in a book and the main pair are married as children and the MC plays double agent for the series antagonist to keep her and the LI safe. It’s fairly involved with a larger cast of characters but I’ll be honest this is one of the titles I feel would be stronger if it was just a straight fantasy series, the whole Isekai aspect feels like it’s there just to make the plot move quicker. But all around a good read. 

Fiancée’s Observation Log of the Self-proclaimed Villainess

Now this one has a fun twist on the formula in that it’s told from the perspective of the love interest. Some of the faults other titles are plague with are avoided here as the main character himself has no knowledge of the world being a game, his fiance does but while she’s happy to tell him she’ll be a great villainess and get him a happy ending with the heroine she never tells him why thats so important so he’s left in the dark and thereby so are we. I will give a warning there is  bit of fat shaming in this as the original games villainous was chubby  but this version is skinny, like its not awful but its not the best implication that bad is chubby and good is skinny.

The Evil Lady's Hero

Another webseries set in a novel while we dont see the MC in childhood (save for some flashbacks) it’s stated she’s had her old memories since then. What I really like about this series is the MC’s personality and set up. So she died well into her 20s  and as such she is a bit more mature and levelheaded than most MC’s, her plan was to avoid the main cast of the books as much as possible but ends up drunkenly sleeping with the male lead leading to them dating. Her thought being I’ll just enjoy this for now and let him break up with me when he meets the heroine, all good. The pair play well off each other and I’m curious to see where the story goes.

The Result of Being Reincarnated is Having a Master-Servant Relationship with the Yandere Love Interest

Now this one has a lot of fun with this concept as there are two other characters who were reincarnated like the MC. Because this game had only yandere love interests even the “good” endings arent that good, the MC also has limited knowledge as she didnt get to play all the way through so she feels less omnipotent than other protagonists, and along with not being the only person displaced it gives the series a nice refreshing feel.  

Received Past Memories as Young Adult (The story starts with the MC remembering her past life after/during the events of the game/book)

I’m a Villainous Daughter, so I’m going to keep the Last Boss

So I actually really love this series and wanna read the light novel version. The MC regains her memories during the beginning of the bad end for the villainess and thinking quickly saves face to run off and find the main antagonist of the  game the demon king who happens to be a secret route on the second play through. Its a very fun read but gets a little dark in later chapters I wont spoil cause its good but there is an attempted rape scene. 

Simply Good Sense for a Duke’s Daughter

This one kills me cause the world building and characters are so strong and dense it’s actually weakened by the fact that the MC was reincarnated is really just kinda brushed off most the time. As you get more and more invested the only real purpose her being reincarnated into an otome has is like some ideas for products to sell and how to make things that dont exist in this world yet. Like I wont say I don’t enjoy it but I think I’d enjoy it more if it was just a fantasy story. 

Beware the Villainess

God I love this webseries. The MC is just a delight as she decides she wont be evil but she wont be good either. What I like about this series is it kinda plays with the fact that the setting is a trashy romance novel cause as the MC learns more about the main characters of the novel she finds that the descriptions in the book dont match up because it’s very surface level. Example a merchant whos said to be very smart and savvy in the books is actually rather easy to outsmart, MC realizes it’s cause the writer only ever wrote he was smart never HOW he was smart. I would def give this one a read its a lot of fun. 

For Certain Reasons, The Villainess Noble Lady Will Live Her Post-Engagement Annulment Life Freely

This is again another series I think would be stronger if it was straight fantasy. The MC of this story actually has no idea the world is an otome game, she was  nurse in her past life and uses that knowledge for the betterment of the land, (though actually its hard to tell if she was really reincarnated or just has the memories of this person) The story could have moved just as well if the MC was given like a medical textbook from a mysterious other world. But the characters are fun so its not awful just not one of my favorites. 

Reincarnated but not as Villainess 

I Am Troubled That My Fiance Is a Villain

The MC is reincarnated into an otome game with her memories as a child but as a side character, she ends up endearing herself and becoming engaged to the games villain character. Its very cute because she doesnt have to worry about a bad end she doesnt try to interfere much just keep those around her safe. 

Seduce The Villain's Father

Web series MC gets reincarnated into a novel as a minor character, as the story takes place prior to the events of the book she changes things to keep her new sister safe and uses the opportunity to try and avoid more tragic events. Its not bad I’d say the idea itself is interesting though its a little uncomfortable she calls the male lead “father” 

A Villain Is A Good Match For A Tyrant

Ok so this web series is kinda hilarious and I do have to spoil a little cause the person reincarnated is NOT our lead, its our villain. So this person was actually the author of the story, she had written a novel about a girl being reincarnated into the bastard daughter of a lord who gets engaged to a tyrant and has to pretend to be evil to stay safe from his enemies, and the author is so PISSED she reincarnated into a random priestess. Its so weirdly meta. The MC is the lord’s bastards and the events play out just like story only she doesnt get her body taken over. This series is very fun, cant wait to see how it goes. 

Anyway this is my list if you have suggestions for me I’ll check them out. Will probably make another list later. 

[idreamtofmanderleyagain]

princess-nazario:

It's ok, thanks for clearing things up. See, everytime theres a post that might just be different the tumblr-fad! Version you speak or questions how tumblr might be romanticizing them theres always annoying people in the replies saying that theres a version where she wanders down the underworld herself, or that the version where shes kidnapped is...weak or a damsel in distress since it doesnt fit into tumblrs made idea of empowerment?? Its so annoying honestly. I saw this kind of stuff in a lot of posts while exploring the greek myth tag and its just... infuriating. I definitely should ignore them but it seriously makes me kind of sad and angry at the same time? The hades and persephone posts are everything(mostly tumblr-fad!) Version I reread your original post and yes I do agree, tumblr-fad! Persephone does take away a lot of the complexities and archetypes I read you examine. I think Hadestown might portray Hades and Persephone's power struggle well, it doesnt completely ignore the implications its giving off for the sake of some romance. This is what tumblr is doing and it's really annoying. By doing this and reducing the characters here to simple boxes it's taking away your interest in the myth, I think that's what you meant? I think your study of Hades/the underworld being Persephones self, cthonic meaning "spirit of nature within, inner self" while I dont fully understand that's really cool. I especially dislike how woobified and depowered he usually is in the tumblr-fad! Theres a lot you can work with him as the antagonist in a retelling I think. In fact maybe itd be great to have a retelling that explores the power struggle between Hades and Persephone and shows how Persephone gets through adversity and becomes of equal power through oppressive authority? Thatd be really cool. Tumblr-fad! Version is the twilight of myths but kind of the opposite. In twilight, the author itself romanticizes the creepiness and power struggle that might be there between Edward itself(although Bella does have a lot of agency so I think that's why it resonated so much with female readers?) while the Persephone has a various amount of versions, most versions being she was kidnapped/abduction with many meanings and metaphors and allegories to things, and tumblr-fad! Version ignores nuance in favor of their ships. Thanks for being so open and honest about this, I honestly was stressed because I thought my response maybe being immature or uninformed might be irritating or annoying. I haven't been sneaking through your blog or anything like that, I just saw your original post in the goddess demeter tag so I searched up "Persephone" on your stuff since I was curious with what else you might have to say about it. I wish Tumblr could maybe bother to learn something called not everything is entirely not THIS thing or the OTHER and maybe do something different from what Hades and Persephone coming to be known as the peak of all love stories on the website.

@princess-nazario I hope you don’t mind, I copy pasted your last reblog into a new post thread because the last one was getting massive.

I think I’m starting to understand what you’re getting at regarding the perception of victims as “weak,” and it makes a lot of sense. Thank you for clarifying regarding the “damsel in distress” trope because that’s when it clicked for me what you were talking about. I actually agree on that point, I think there is a tendency for pop feminism to kind of portray more vulnerable, sensitive or fragile women as less feminist, so I can see how you’re applying that to your views on how people on tumblr perceive the story of Hades and Persephone.

That said, I think you have a lot of different angles you’re looking at this whole thing from, and that’s great! However I think there’s so many subjects you are trying to tackle here that it seems like you are kind of are only half informed about, maybe from exploring discussions online. I think this is resulting in conclusions that are kind of confused and lacking in more solid foundations, if that makes sense. I think maybe you might benefit from exploring each element further on their own merits.

For example, did you know that there are a lot of different feminist viewpoints on Twilight itself? And not all feminists completely condemn it? In my opinion, there are a lot of things about Twilight to criticize, however there was a distinct element of hatred for the interests and desires of teenage girls involved with how people responded en masse to the Twilight phenomenon. I don’t think you were old enough to be directly familiar with all this at the time. I think a decent primer would be this video from Lindsay Ellis (tho please keep in mind that some of her most recent content is not for younger audiences). It doesn’t cover all angles of the topic, but it does give an alternative perspective in retrospect about the raging Twilight hate that swept through pop culture for a long time:

Also, there is a whole conversation to be had about the concept of “woobification,” and why that word exists, as well as how it is used in conversations about girls and women’s fantasies. The original post I made shows that I have my own frustrations when male villains and darker archetypes are whittled down to something seemingly non-threatening and “socially acceptable” myself (like...turning the beast into the prince in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast), but in my experience, people have often used the word “woobie” to describe any explorations of the vulnerability of these types of male characters when women do so because they find those men intriguing or attractive, and that can get kind of tricky because in many ways, those conversations can harbor a subtle resentment and shaming towards female fantasties, period.

I’m getting the impression that maybe there’s something about Hades and Persephone, or at least the archetypes they embody, that really intrigues you, but you’re not sure what you are supposed to think and feel about it from a feminist perspective. That’s ok, ultimately you’ll figure it out on your own. I can’t tell you what to think about the myths themselves on their own, separate from contemporary feminist media because that’s ultimately it’s own thing, and you can springboard your own perspectives and reimagining off of the original in any way that feels right to you.

 What I can do though, is leave you with some age-apropriate content that I was consuming at your age, as well as a link to a site that explores stories with similar archetypes that Persephone embodies. 

The site is called Girls Underground, and it explores and catalogues stories about girls who go on heroine’s journeys in the “Cthonic” context like I was talking about, as in exploring their own inner psyches through the experience of traversing a strange, scary, magical place. Sometimes these stories involve the trope of a spooky attractive male character who takes on an adversarial role that is sometimes also romantically charged, but not all of them do. I think the resources page may be of particular interest to you because it links to essays on subjects within this genre of storytelling. The Examples page has a ton of other stories not listed here that you can take a look at, however not all of them (but many of them!) are kid friendly.

Movies that I would recommend: 

Labyrinth (1986), which was my favorite film since early childhood, and is the reason I love these types of stories to begin with.

Legend(1985), which doesn’t depict a healthy dynamic, but is a great film and does have a big place in the general conversation about this type of storytelling.

Howl’s Moving Castle, either the book or the film. 

Pan’s Labyrinth is rated R for some gore and violence, and it has scary moments, but I think it’s fine for most teens. The character of Pan is not part of that whole “demon lover” trope because the heroine is a small child, but he takes on a similar role in terms of being a figure that embodies the underworld and thus a major part of the heroine’s psyche.

Honestly, I would consider Disney’s Beauty and the Beast (the original, not the live action remake) a good rendition. It was written by a woman.

Jean Cocteau’s black and white La Belle et La Bete.

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, or a film adaptation of the same.

Rebecca by Daphne DuMarier, which is what my username is from. I’m fond of the Hitchcock film adaptation.

Honestly, the 2004 adaptation of Phantom of the Opera is...flawed, but it was my introduction to Phantom, and it’s a lot of melodramatic fun. 

It’s worth noting that in a lot of these stories, there are not perfect, healthy relationships depicted between men and women. There is cruelty, there is harm. But in many cases, that does not mean these stories have nothing to say about relationships between men and women, nor does it say that they are solely tales about abuse and we cannot find romanticism within them. Each story has it’s own flaws, it’s own strengths, hold deeper meanings beyond the surface. They contribute something distinct to a rich history of artistic explorations of the dynamics of power in romance and the female experience with our own desires within a patriarchal society.

[semi-imaginary-place]

I started watching deca-dence

1: oh what was that called. there’s a name for this tech aesthetic.... also the city is floating on monster goo which is also their energy resource... is that really a good design?????? why is there open access to the monster goo i mean those kids are totally going to fall in. Oh boss dude’s a super secret agent thing. lots of reveals this ep. That action sequence at the end was really cool but wow i do not like those squishing sound effects. also, of all the livestock to raise, why cows??? per pound of protein, cows are horribly inefficient especially when land and resources like water are scare.

2. We have a post apocalyptic society and they kept bagpipes of all things??? I’ve noticed this in fiction and perhaps this is true of real life but sustained conflict coincides with the glorification of the warrior/soldier social class. oh god and now the creators are doing a post moderist take, yay capitalism. this is a good take on the isekai “transported to a game world”/mmo lightnovel genre (see past post). what makes something “real” I was playing of a ttrpg around that concept... mikey’s got all the flags to die horrifically and be part of kaburagi’s tragic backstory. lol kaburagi got turned into a mod. There’s also something dehumanizing and horrifying in managing a society like this all to maintain the status quo. so let’s see if I have this straight, the remnants of capitalism made deca-dence and then a bunch of little robot people who are incentivized via a game system to destroy the squishy monsters. the city design makes sense now it wasn’t made with things like safety or efficiency or any regard for the residents in mind, it was made to look cool. Living in a fuel tank is exactly the type of bullshit to expect from a videogame.

3: kurenai has the vibes of that one cool npc that the the main character out grows to show how strong you’ve become. (the trope is rife with misogyny. who was the one that talked about it? ... femfreq?), wonder what the show will do with it. good job deconstructing the instant expert trope. lit. unregulated capitalism. what is corporations replaced government but for little cyborg people. curious about this minato guy. the 175 years until decommission or whatever makes me wonder how long all of this has been going on. on the screen with the eurasia bubble, were other structures, so i wonder whats happening elsewhere in the world.

4. the game trailer style shots.... the juxtaposition of the tankers discussing battle strategy for a life or death situation, with the cyborgs excited for the next raid event and talking about the game’s story is real good. its a revolving door of mood whiplash. oof dramatic irony since the entertainment corp also seems to control gadoll numbers. Why do none of the Power wear armor? oh right aesthetics and game logic, i answered my own question. I was thinking about this for a little while but kaburagi really does have the set up to be an isekai/mmo light novel protag so I’m really glade we have natsume as well. If done improperly her character type can get kind of annoying, the show did a good job of humanizing her which is important since so much of the disconnect between a game world and a lived reality hinges on her. why isn’t altitude sickness a problem for anyone?

5. yikes. saved twice within the first 10 minutes. maybe dont charge in there natsume. and it was the cool lady too! oh shit limit release. now the stakes are up. isnt kaburagi totally going to get his little head chopped off and the his little green battery extracted.

...

...

...

6. I’ve always had a soft spot for the struggle against the inevitable and unmovable. i was wondering how they were managing the squishies population. just where is this lake? what weird ass hazing system has kaburagi ended up in... is this the slow part of the anime? where they save up frames for the finale?

7. i just realized that kaburagi purposefully chose dog faced characters twice in a row. like he can choose to look like whatever he wants and he good, i feel comfortable looking like this. good for him. How did they punch a hole in the wal anyways, mechanically? with gadoll? We’ve see that they can either change the projection surrounding deca-dence, or actually have full control of all material int he bubble. oh kabu-san you are finally starting to think. but its not the gadoll that are the root of the problem, its the deca-dence system. btw since cyborgs run on the green juice which i think is made from gadolls??? how does kabu plan on fueling everyone. he hasn’t thought about it has he. of course the gadoll have a kill switch. do the tankers have one...?

8. a setup episode. my heart was racing during the avatar retrieval part, so much tension. jill is great. not sure why kaburagi doesnt just tell natsume whats going on. i do think it’d be a shock and a lot to take in just like when the gadoll reset on the mountain, but it’d make coordinating much easier. as is taking her along while not telling her whats going on doesnt feel right. also the green slanty eyed cyborgs given me bad vibes from the start, after all he’s the one that told mikey about removing the limiter. I’m kinda sad we only have 12 episodes so we have to enter the finale already. i would have loved to see the tanker teams, natsume and fei, and minato and kaburagi relationships fleshed out.

9. YEAH YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER EARLIER. so she would have time to process all that world shaking information not in the middle of the operation when it could cost her her life! also doesn’t this mean all the cyborgs still alive are now trapped in the waste disposal place.

10. i totally forgot about that tunnel. that said it looks kinda fragile, how’d it survive the explosion? And how did the robo crew get a hideout?? jill is amazing. she’s like a wizard. Natsume just doesn’t get a break, no ones explained to her the cyborg-avatar thing. I’m too invested in this show to analyze anything.

11. holy shit i wonder what the last few episodes were going to be about. they’re going to black hole the whole place. also we can finally hear pipopi! I thought it a bit funny pruple nose seemed to be taking advice for them but really eh was taking orders? so minato did the tremendously stupid thing of logging out and then hopping on a shuttle to get from orbit to deca-dence so he could talk to kaburagi face to face. even if they take out the gadoll, that doesn’t stop the deca0dence system from having a kill switch on the bubble.

12. POMDOROSA DID THE END SCENE ART. it really is 7 degrees of separation, they have a tumblr here. right as the natsume flashbacks started, I knew what was going to happen. Was it really safe inside the drill thing?? ah whatever. Kaburagi really went all out and busted himself huh. He probably didn’t actually need to use so much force that it’d break decadence. ah I’m rambling. I binged watched this show in 1 day. i started tearing up at the natsume flahsbacks... I dont remember what i just watched it was pure experience. I do wonder whats happening on other continents.. Jill! I can’t believe it took you 3 years to organize your files and find kaburagi’s backup! well i mean its realistic but still.

Deca-Dence is very good, like not even talking about the thematic stuff the execution in both animation and writing are both really good.

[gascon-en-exil]

Went through a route discussion thread, and saw it mentioned when it came to CF that it was great that in that route Byleth got to 'reclaim their humanity' at the end. I assume its related to the crest stone shattering but I'm not entirely sure if Byleth would be considered inhuman until that point in the story anyways? It doesnt really help that 3H doesnt really explore the concept of humanity/inhumanity anyways, even when its a driving force in Edelgards motivations.

Yeah, it’s referencing that moment, which has no logical reason to happen and also breaks continuity with VW and SS where Rhea dies/can die after the credits roll and yet Byleth keeps their post-fusion hair color.

It’s never explored in reference to them, but Byleth is never really human. In Watsonian terms, their mother was artificially created by Rhea as a body into which Sothis might reincarnate, and they were a stillbirth who only survived because Sitri wanted Sothis’s Crest stone to be removed from her and placed into them. This makes Byleth - let’s see if I get this right - an undead artificial dragon (also recalling that Jeralt got a blood transfusion from Rhea that gave him a superhuman extended lifespan) meant to house the spirit of a goddess, and that’s before Sothis fused with them. Stack this onto their lack of emotional expression which we’re meant to believe per Jeralt has existed since birth and Byleth doesn’t seem especially human at all regardless of their hair color.

And then on a Doylist level they’re not “human” either in the sense that every other named character is “human” (or humanoid). Byleth doesn’t speak like the other characters or display emotions or personality because they’re meant to be a blank self-insert onto which the player projects. No previous FE Avatar feels so artificial, so markedly different from all the people surrounding them, and while this approach to self-inserts works fine enough for The Legend of Zelda which isn’t a character-driven experience (although there are still people who complain about Link not talking) it falls completely flat in this series where solid characterization is the biggest thing separating FE from most other tactical war games.

[marsixm]

edit sorry this post is both long (if the readmore fails i am truly truly sorry) & longwinded im just reflecting and thinking; (another edit: u can probably just read the tl dr and get it)

anyway allow me to spin some very personally based theory here for a mo while i put off/warm my fingers up from the cold in preparation to email my therapist

so growing up i had, i think only, het ships, but i never quite had the ones you were (narratively speaking) “supposed to” have

in most media i recall when i was a kid, there were like, 2 diff structures of character romance plot arcs in media i consumed, there was the main lead and 2 best friends model, where thered be the star of the show who had outside romantic leads and the 2 best friends (who were always a boy and a girl) would have their secondary romance, OR there were ensemble shows where there was a more clear romance set up between the main boy and main girl, then side characters whod pair off in whatever ways ended up happening. in the first, see: hannah montana, the second, see: zoey 101. obv this isnt a hard rule and there were loads of exceptions but like, lets just say i tended not to care for the romances set up for the main girls in the trio models, or quite as hard for the main boy and girl in the ensembles, and in general if there was an obvious romance between two leads i either didnt care or outright hated it

basically i never liked the ships they set up for us in straight media, as a kid (namely, a girl) i liked being that “ew pink!” “i hate valentines day” sort of contrarian, but what i remember actually disliking was the predictability of it, because i clearly still shipped characters, so it wasnt /really/ that i hated romance, per se

looking back on it i think it was probably or at least to a degree more like that i hated the hetero expectation of it- i can nit pick down to more specific examples of why i disliked the main pairings (kataang, for example, i thought was weird bc katara acted like a mother/older sister figure to aang, and i didnt feel like there was romance between them at all except where it felt shoehorned in) - maybe it was also that i thought it made more sense for a main character to be with someone they clearly already spent a lot of time with and not some random new hot boy in town (i very distinctly remember shipping miley and oliver on hannah montana, and i believe that was the first time i ever read fanfiction @ age like... 11 lol) as is often the case w like these things.

theres another level to this though, which is that i notice i tended to ship characters who were more vaguely similar to each other, like, physically (ie, similar heights, or hair colors mainly) obviously this is funny now since my main pairing is johnlock which is such a physically different ship we can construct them from basic shapes and colors and theyre still recognizable as who they are, but i have some thoughts about this- but i think there might be two interesting things about this again in retrospect

first of all, this sounds silly ik, but shipping the vaguely similar ones as a child’s way of queering heterosexuality is an interesting concept and not that difficult, like, two boys are also vaguely similar to each other in a similar way a boy and a girl with the same hair color and height might be, which is something i thought of a while ago

the other way in which this is really interesting to me now, that i think might have been more actually pertinent to myself as a trans child, is that i think i shipped the characters i did in an attempt to morph the concept of boy and girl? to find the boy counterpart to every girl??? that second one makes more sense actually. anyway, i digress

2 start off i definitely had gender feelings starting from a very young age so i think these observations ring more true than just reflections, PERHAPS

so the first thing i remember shipping, ie wanting them to be together, thinking about it an inordinate amount of time outside watching the films, even imagining them eating ice cream together in their pjs (i was NINE DHFJGghfkg) was jack sparrow & elizabeth swan from potc (basically my franchise of choice as a kid bc i never read harry potter) now this doesnt quite fit the “visually similar” thing bc actually orlando bloom looks more like kiera knightly and is prob due to them like making out in one movie, but i think this works for the “shipping as gender expression” theory, because elizabeth swan dressed up as a boy, spent most of that movie wearing boy’s clothes, etc- meanwhile jack was a wacky pirate which like hello duh i’d want to be. so i wonder if beyond the fact that they kissed and flirted, there was something to this concept of me wanting two characters to be together, meant i wanted to marry together two conceptual things happening with two characters, or absorb the cool dude and the boyish girl characters into each other to make one whole archetype for myself? i likewise shipped aang and toph (toph who, normally doesnt really have anyone to be shipped with, since she likes sokka but he has a gf) who we all know is the VERY boyish girl character, so boyish im p sure her actually being a trans dude later in life is a p decently accepted headcanon (i dont actually delve into aatla fandom though so i can only hope) 

another thing about this ship thing, is most of my ships had brown hair (like miley and oliver), just like i always have, and in certain cases the girl character would look a LOT like me (i also shipped logan and quinn on zoey 101, which to my surprise n delight actually came true later (although looking back im like... 11 yr old me is glad they made out a lot but adult me is like uhhh why were the kids on this show making out a lot? anyway thats another issue) and i def was a weirdo girl with glasses and long brown wavy hair) which sort of further fuels my feeling that this was an attempt by my brain to do 1 of 2 things, if my own involvement really was a greater motivating factor in this thing, 1. ship MYSELF with a boy (which is like def possible for my gay kinnie ass, but not quite my thesis here) or 2. morph these boy and girl counterparts by imagining them together, seeing them together, etc

for example, i realize now, when i was a kid i drew an avatar sona for myself and said sona looked an awful lot like how id imagine a katara/zuko fusion would be, and the fact that i shipped zutara (very hard lol) was what lead me down this thought path rn

i feel like even to me this concept sounds weird and far fetched but like, gem fusion made enough sense for someone to write with its clearly, usually, romantic implications and we all “get” that, so whom knows???

another thing ive noticed while writing this is for a good few of these ships you can argue the boys in them can be read gay, like jack sparrow and zuko and aang, which feels even more strongly like me trying to marry my gay boy feelings to my tomboy realities [thinking emoji]

the biggest reason i think this makes sense to me is because when i was 10 i became obsessed with the idea that this boy i was friends with and i were secretly twins separated at birth, like i was so into the concept that we looked alike, i like hoped and wished so hard for it to be true, i wished a christmas miracle would happen for fucking real and a magic door in my house would open and be his new room and itd all work out perfectly! and you might think this was a manifestation of my difficulties with my family and wishing to leave it, but in my dream world my parents were still my parents and he came to live with us- which makes me think the obsession of ME looking like this BOY was a manifestation of my gender feelings, which i think can maybe be traced to this concept of pairing a visually similar, possibly gay, brunette boy to every brunette and/or tomboyish girl

anyway. if you actually read all of this id love it if you lmk somehow (doesnt need to be a like) like this is clearly very long and strange but i hope it makes sense. i think i stop myself a lot from ever commenting on gender or theory or whatever but i am a living breathing trans person who has experienced things and i have opinions and i dont think im claiming anything destructive with this lol i think its not unusual to reflect on the way you interacted with the world as a gay/trans kid

also im obviously not saying that shipping straight things is somehow inherently queer, im not trying to retroactively claim something about straight ships, like, those two characters are still functionally straight, and i definitely also shipped probably all of them for normal shipping reasons (although, kid ones, so less “oh theres a lot of ACTUAL romantic subtext between these two” but rather “oh theyre friends and would be cute together!” (or like they kissed and i was like O: )) but im just trying to theorize about something its possible my tiny trans brain was trying to express- and who knows maybe im not the only one!

anyway i guess the TL;DR is: when i was a kid i had a lot of “unconventional” straight ships- i already observed that i eschewed the main canon pairings in kids media in what was probably my tiny baby brains rejection of hetero culture, but i also actively shipped side characters who looked like me, and also looked like each other (ie, both tall and brunette, a boy and girl counterpart of Each Other) OR characters who seemed to be a gayish boy and a tomboyish girl, and im theorizing that maybe the reason that was was my tiny trans brain wanting to gem fusion those two together because of my Gender Feelings and fuse the boy with the girl and this desire manifested in shipping therefore thinking about a lot these pairings of boy and girl counterparts

[unproduciblesmackdown]

here’s me talking about the month since i was last online

firstly it was/is depressing not to be able to talk with ppl or hear from them. or just to be able to talk somewhere i know people CAN hear. i also mentioned being completely detached from the news. i like to be current about the news. anyways i was like “well not like this is anything new” as its technically unusual for me to NOT be cut off both irl and from the internet. but, shockingly, that doesnt make it not depressing. and having something for even a bit makes it more frustrating to lose it even if its “normal” for you not to have it. also by depressing i mean i was going like hmm i sure am even more tired than usual and i am less interested in my few lingering faint interests. whats up with that! and then i was like oh yeah thats called Even More Depression

it is funny because im someone who has never really had that many friends and when i do we often end up separated one way or another. Very Close friends &/or Very Longtime friends are a foreign concept. basically the heights of my “what i wish it was like” for life involve having a group of friends with whom you can have fun in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night just talking and hanging out and messing around. friends that you feel comfortable being yourself around and like they appreciate you as much as you do them. i do not think this is ever going to happen, but oh well because in reality i can be very picky about people because i am weird, to put it that way for now. my social landscape and language is not always considered normal or even tolerable. and i have a lot of standards for who i want to have around me in terms of traits and personality. theres a lot of things im not interested in. anyways. i also just, in the way things actually are, often prefer to be alone, so that i can be myself and do things i feel like. i dont have to worry about being strange or feeling like i need to please people. anyways. unfortunately i dont ONLY like being alone. i actually really like to be with people and talk with them but i rarely can, and i figure this is bad for me. isolation isnt good for anyone obviously. not being able to be around friends in person depresses me. not being able to talk online either depresses me further.

i think sometimes about how much i dont say. its a funny place to say it, in an overly long text post. but one of the reasons they can be so long is because irl i dont really talk much to people. so it builds up and can come out through writing. sometimes it comes out in talking. i think that in conversations, when i do talk, i talk too much because of this. so one of the reasons i dont talk much is to prevent this, which obviously is like “well that would just cancel out” but there are other reasons i dont talk. but i have loads of thoughts and things to say. i end up keeping so much of it to myself and wonder sometimes if i’ll ever get to say some of it. sometimes i’ll have something to say and bite it back. i’ve been “quiet” all these past twenty some years of talking and i know the reasons i dont talk. i was thinking about the feeling of biting something back in an individual occasion feeling like the cumulation of all the years worth of keeping my own voice running in my head alone. it kind of feels like what you want to say is in your chest and throat and the roof of your mouth.

speaking of the roof of your mouth, theres a weird sensation i can feel sometimes, seemingly at random but mostly in strange times like trying to fall asleep. it is so transient and unlike any actual externally caused sensations that its been difficult to try to get a grasp of how to describe it, but i think i have it thanks to ongoing effort and an unusually long period of it a few days ago during which i was especially alert about it. it’s like having a pressure radiating out from inside your mouth. like an orb pushing outwards against the teeth and roof of the mouth. which i’m fairly sure isn’t anything that would ever happen, so i am assuming its some little neurological hiccup that happens to align every now and then, but maybe a previous life cycle has put something weird in their mouth. or shot into it, because i would be like, well not much has changed.

anyways. words sitting like a pressure in your mouth. i was seeing a thread about how grief is ongoing and reoccurring which also mentioned that people who specialize in knowing how grieving and living with it works often consider it to be a form of grief when someone’s life is affected by something like trauma. they have to grieve themselves because of the possibilities taken away from them. i feel that, sometimes. thinking about how i wish i had a life where i felt free to speak and where my identity mattered and i got to feel like i could be myself and it was important and it was important what i thought and wanted and who i really was. and where i got to have friends and do things and realize what it was to actually feel happy, not try to understand an unhappy existence as what must be okay. its not just what couldve been in the past, but also how that couldve affected the present and future. im not sure who i’d be if my life didnt have to be about survival and escape. i say i never had dreams, which is true, but in retrospect i DO think that when i was fifteen and really bearing down in trying to figure out what i wanted to do, i was already seeing activism as the answer, which made sense why it wouldnt register as a dream or ambition and why it was also impossible to pursue. i still dont think of anything like personal fulfillment through a career/job or anything. but i also dont think of what i want to do as very relevant to anything at all anymore.

anyways. i’m “used” to things, but they still depress and hurt me. i actually have a lot of sadness and anger about some of these things, like never getting to have the friends i wanted or never being able to speak and it not mattering who i really was, and how long it took me to realize this really wasn’t okay and it wasn’t because of some personal deficiency which made me deserve it somehow. also the abuse. i remember i had this how-to book about weaving friendship bracelets which i got sometime in elementary school, and it even supplied some twine and stuff. i had always wanted to have occasion to use it, and i never did, which is just symbolic. the twine/potential friendship bracelets can also be things like positive social connections that feel real and open, or my ability to feel secure in expressing affection because it seems mutual. but anyways. i also just go along.

i was thinking about the Being Gone For A Month thing and the not-talking and holding all my words back even though i think so much about all sorts of junk and thus have too much to say, and about a week ago i just spent like six hours writing about myself. i was debating doing so in the first place because i figured i wouldnt post it. i did write it, but i won’t post it. its just good to talk to myself in the form of writing. getting thoughts into that form requires an extra level of analysis and coherent flow that can help put even things you already knew more in order. so here’s this stuff instead.

there’s not much to say about this past month. the worst of it was that discovering my weird tooth is all janky and broken has made me on edge about teeth. i mean, i’ve already all but stopped worrying about the broke tooth, because i kind of do that sometimes when i can. just worry hard and then stop, because what can you do? might as well try to avoid stressing even worse. and in this case i dont have money and doubt i will ever have a job w dental coverage, so i cant do anything about it. but im always worried about my teeth because, fittingly, my parents dental genes seem to combine into that of a tasmanian devil. i think im in some Dental Report b/c i had this weird situation that needed basically a root canal but it wasnt the normal kind of root canal situation and the dentist said he hadn’t seen it or heard of it even. special. i was horrified about needing the root canal, because of the clichés. but it ended up being fine and i really just sat there for an hour thinking about whatever. dental procedures are truly not what theyre hyped up to be. on account of local anesthetics. anyways. when i left my parents house i was specifically worried about leaving my access to a dentist, but obviously it wouldve been far from worth it. but that doesn’t mean i dont worry about my teeth. so i had these few days where i just had a spontaneously sensitive gum spot and another one which im guessing i caused by jamming corn shards down in there by eating corn on the cob. that happened sort of last year, i got really worried about an angry-looking spot on my gums and finally realized something was just up in there that needed to be flossed out. anyhow. the point is i got overly worried about everything that always worries me even though it used to worry me even before going to the dentist and they’d say the stuff was fine actually. but still. i got

very worried for a minute there and i realized very easily that if i start getting any really serious tooth problems i am out of here. i have no motivation at all to live through it. i don’t want to have to deal with that. it’s way too much. i dont even have motivation to be alive now. but when i was worrying i was thinking about not using my handful of cash to change locations, but instead to get some fancy Dying Equipment. there are still some methods by which im not sure i could try offing myself. but if things got a lot worse, like teeth problems, i could probably lower those standards. i COULD obtain some items for one method, or by necessity do it for free. im less worried about the tooth stuff now. it was just an unfortunate convergence of a couple tiny things. but ive still got a sensitive spot or two, and im always a bit worried. if something bad happens i cant do anything about it except get tf out of this life cycle, right.

there was something else unfortunate i was going to talk about. maybe just the depression.

there were nice, small things. i always knew how to enjoy those kinds of stuff. i like the sky, and i appreciate that its summer. theres a lot of fireflies sometimes and i saw kittens chasing them one day. one of those kittens mightve gotten killed by something since. i got to hear rain on the roof a few times. i like corn on the cob even if it betrayed me. i was wanting some last summer. i also got to make sweet tea and lemonade for the first time in forever. i’d been wanting that for a long time too.

the nicest surprise was that i had been writing extra hard since the start of june. i sort of really pushed at it and got to the dividing point between the section and the next, and i was sure it was shorter than previous sections. but actually it was just over 1000 words short of being 140k, and i’d written it all in about five weeks, and it was abt 22.5% longer than the next longest section i’d written. i’ve since gotten to a point i’ve been writing towards since this whole time, and im right on the verge of another long awaited one right now. it’s nice, but writing has been fun, and i hope i dont get depressed if i hopefully do finish it. i can just write some more, but doing so on my phone isnt the most efficient. it doesnt seem sustainable.

anyways thats it for now before i can think of anything else to say am i right