#tree pruning ban

[turtlesandfrogs]

What I was taught growing up: Wild edible plants and animals were just so naturally abundant that the indigenous people of my area, namely western Washington state, didn't have to develop agriculture and could just easily forage/hunt for all their needs.

The first pebble in what would become a landslide: Native peoples practiced intentional fire, which kept the trees from growing over the camas praire.

The next: PNW native peoples intentionally planted and cultivated forest gardens, and we can still see the increase in biodiversity where these gardens were today.

The next: We have an oak prairie savanna ecosystem that was intentionally maintained via intentional fire (which they were banned from doing for like, 100 years and we're just now starting to do again), and this ecosystem is disappearing as Douglas firs spread, invasive species take over, and land is turned into European-style agricultural systems.

The Land Slide: Actually, the native peoples had a complex agricultural and food processing system that allowed them to meet all their needs throughout the year, including storing food for the long, wet, dark winter. They collected a wide variety of plant foods (along with the salmon, deer, and other animals they hunted), from seaweeds to roots to berries, and they also managed these food systems via not only burning, but pruning, weeding, planting, digging/tilling, selectively harvesting root crops so that smaller ones were left behind to grow and the biggest were left to reseed, and careful harvesting at particular times for each species that both ensured their perennial (!) crops would continue thriving and that harvest occurred at the best time for the best quality food. American settlers were willfully ignorant of the complex agricultural system, because being thus allowed them to claim the land wasn't being used. Native peoples were actively managing the ecosystem to produce their food, in a sustainable manner that increased biodiversity, thus benefiting not only themselves but other species as well.

So that's cool. If you want to read more, I suggest "Ancient Pathways, Ancestral Knowledge: Ethnobotany and Ecological Wisdom of Indigenous Peoples of Northwestern North America" by Nancy J. Turner

[bonefall]

BB!Moonpaw's Family

So, I don't rewrite arcs until they're done BUT!! HAVE NO FEAR IM HERE TO FIX IT.

You may have heard that Moonpaw's canonical family has been confirmed, Thriftear x Bayshine, and that it makes her a real doozy of inbreeding. The most important thing being that she is the product of a first cousin pair because Thriftear's father Fernsong and Bayshine's mother Sorrelstripe are full siblings.

But I am the family tree trimmer and I'm here to do a little pruning!

First of all, I've already done significant work in overhauling the ThunderClan Family Tree. Today I've made a more lightweight chart for showing off the options better, but please do go and check out the full version if you'd like to see the generations further back. It also has a link to my "diagnosis," which is handy for comparing my fixes to the problems with the canon tree.

So just to nip this in the bud; Thriftear and Bayshine are no longer first cousins in BB.

That's already fixed! I'm going to change it anyway but I just want that to be like, the first thing you know going in.

Second of all, now's a good time for a little refresher on my Three Strict Rules. These are the rules I use for overhauling the family trees; determining when cats are far enough apart, preventing one bloodline from getting too prolific, and when a fix is required.

Like before, click the link to see the rules more in-depth. Put simply, these rules are;

Three Generation Separation Cats must be three or more generations removed in order to be eligible as partners. That means they cannot share a simple grandparent, banning 1st cousin pairings. Further than that is typically allowed-- Clan sizes are too small to be more restrictive. ADDENDUM: Onestar's Exception. This rule applies to an extra generation, the great-grandparent, if one or more simple grandparents are alive to connect them all. This bans 1st cousins once removed (FCOR), like what Breezepelt and Heathertail are in-canon, and usually second cousins if I can help it.

Two Kit Max Any given pairing may only have two kittens who have successful grandchildren. If three or more kids have grandkids, one of the bloodlines will have to be pruned in some way. This is to prevent "superparents" who decimate the diversity. ADDENDUM: This applies per-Clan. Cats can leave their birth Clan and not contribute to their parents' "limit." Dovewing is now in ShadowClan and does not count towards the rule.

One Parent Litters Invoking the Queen's Rights allows for a cat to have kittens without a second parent. Sometimes these kittens are fully adopted. ADDENDUM: This is an in-universe rule. Ergo, other cats can and will have feelings on a cat who invokes this. That said, I don't always decide who that secret parent is beforehand!

With all that said, let's talk about the relevant differences in BB vs Canon, and the three options for who Moonpaw's parents are going to be...

Relevant Differences

So that we can narrow in on the ancestors that are relevant, I've gone and made a little version of my bigger tree.

Everyone in YELLOW is active in ThunderClan. PINK indicates that they may or may not remain there past ASC, either because they'll move or because they'll die. The ORANGE line tracks cats that are counted as Firekin.

(Note: Sunbeam, Twigbranch, and Finleap were left off this list since they're not relevant atm)

Spiderleg, Toadstep, Hazeltail, Sorreltail are still alive in BB.

However, in exchange, Molewhisker, Brackenfur, and Thornclaw are dead.

Cinderheart is off on adventures with Fallenleaf, who went through a whole thing

Mousewhisker and Nightheart will probably end up in RiverClan by the end of ASC.

Rosepetal will probably end up dying somewhere near the end of ASC OR in the BB overhaul of Ivypool's Heart. She will likely be Squirrelstar's first deputy.

Fernsong is an ex-kittypet. His name was Fiddles.

Because of a change in who dies in The Battle of the True Eclipse, Sorrelstripe is named Duststripe.

Because Ferncloud is the one to confront Ashfur in the Dark Forest instead of Graystripe, Graypaw is named Fernpaw.

Squirrelflight is infertile and unable to have bio-kits. Bramblestar disowned his children with her when the secret was revealed, and had a litter with Jessy. Sparkpelt is not Firekin-- her mate was.

Ivypool and Dovewing were swapped for Spotfur and Duststripe to keep the Firekin family consistent.

Larksong and Hollytuft have been fused into the same cat; Hollylark.

Hollylark was a poorly understood magical being. Xeir death prompted xeir parents, Cinderheart and Fallenleaf, to go on their journey.

Eaglewing, Honeyfur, and Leafshade are in my back pocket in case I need them elsewhere.

Snowbush, Dewnose, and Ambermoon were surrogated for cats in other Clans, but I still haven't placed them yet. Icecloud, now born AFTER the Battle of the True Eclipse, is taking any relevant roles for them.

Duststripe had kittens with an unknown sire, invoking the Queen's Rights to do so. I haven't thought about who this secret father is.

SO, as you can see, this tree is already significantly less tangled than canon's. If I just went with Thriftear x Bayshine, their last common ancestor was a great-great-grandmother (Frostfur), making them third cousins. On the other side, they share a great-great-great-grandmother (Nutmeg), making them fourth cousins.

These are both so far removed that most people don't even actually know their 3rd and 4th cousins. This is more than distant enough to not trip Rule 1.

That said... no 💕I don't care for this coupling 💕They haven't even talked in canon I am simply going to veto it 💕

Personally I've always seen Bayshine and Thriftear as being gay, so I'm going to move ahead with that in mind because it's MY AU and I get to homo the sexuals.

OPTION 1: BAYSHINE REMAINS I simply swap out Thriftear for her brother, Flipclaw, making Moonpaw into a FlipBay kitten.

This is the most canon compliant fix I can make. This is probably what I'm going to settle on as a default, unless and until we learn more about Changing Skies. OR, of course, someone makes a convincing and juicy argument.

Thoughts;

This closely matches canon. They can't possibly throw a curveball at me that I can't fix with Thriftear lesbianism. YOUR MOVE, WORKING PARTNERS.

I need more MLM ships, I'm actually really lacking those, so this would be a good opportunity.

BB!Bayshine and BB!Flipclaw will actually have really nice chemistry. Flipclaw's a silly boy who's known as the one example of a Firekin cat who can't live up to the legacy (something that likely used to cause him to quibble with Nightheart, back in the day). Bayshine is kind of a worrywart who actually appreciates Flipclaw's sense of humor and prefers a mate who doesn't give him heart attacks via heroics.

I feel like that'll bounce nicely off Moonpaw as well, since she's probably going to have a very serious story attached. It'll be nice to just write her having very supportive parents who listen and care.

Plus with her parents being Mr. "Always Worried" and Mr. "Fire Failure," I don't have to worry too much about legacy or status while still keeping her a Firekin. These two guys don't have a lot of power to leverage to help her get the Clan to believe her, if I need to keep a plot point.

OPTION 2: THRIFTEAR REMAINS I do some tweaks to put her with Plumstone, making Moonpaw a PlumThrift kitten.

More of a tinker than a tweak, but something I'm at least considering. I've been outspoken about how much I like PlumThrift, so I absolutely want to make it canon to BB. That said, I do like the idea that the two of them just don't have kids. Not all mates HAVE to have kittens.

Plus, it would come with restrictions anyway becaauuuuseeeeee,

It trips Rule 2, the Two Kit Max.

If Shellfur and Fernstripe have kittens, which I HOPE they do because good lord Canon!TC needs it, I couldn't let PlumThrift Moonpaw go on to have successful kittens of her own. Blossomfall's kittens would start to take over ThunderClan.

This is especially strict in BB because there's no way in hell I'm not going to have Shellfur and Fernstripe have some kittens. So help me god, I will pull Leafshade, Honeyfur, and Eaglewing out of my back pocket.

Moonpaw not having kittens isn't a bad thing, though. I'd happily do it, it's just that I'm trying to anticipate canon throwing a curveball at me.

BB!Plumstone and BB!Thriftear would probably have a more strained dynamic to their daughter, which might match canon very well if the team goes for the angle of having Moonpaw resent how she's seen as very special.

Both moms are overachievers, and very ambitious warriors. Thriftear is Firekin and living up to that legacy, and Plumstone is probably gunning for one of the head positions in the Clan.

It's not that they're mean or bad to her, it's that they'd have high expectations which might cause friction. Again; depends on where canon goes with Moonpaw's story.

Honestly, knowing them and what they want out of their lives, I can kinda see Moonpaw being something they didn't plan. Like she was an abandoned kitten they found and felt like it was a sign from StarClan, or somehow one of them accidentally got pregnant.

Which could be super interesting, honestly.

Option 2 might end up revealing itself to fit better than Option 1, but I need to see what the arc has in store first.

OPTION 3: TOTAL PARENT CHANGE Moonpaw is given to a non-Firekin couple that could have kits

This is the biggest change, but one I'll do if it's an important plot point that she's NOT Firekin by canon's wahoo logic. I already killed the inconsistency with MY family tree fixes, but the writing team seems to only count Firekin down from Squirrelflight's biokids.

So if I have to comply with that for some reason, I'll shuffle her over to one of these two couples;

She could either become the daughter of Stormcloud and Cherryfall, OR Shellfur and Fernstripe.

StormCherry:

Stormcloud actually got a massive glowup in BB lmao

Cherryfall and Stormcloud were previously sort-of-courting, probably-dating, in a weird situationship sort of thing. Unofficial only because they never made it official.

If Moonpaw is their kid, she'd definitely be what makes it official.

I feel like Stormcloud is better suited to being the Mi, but Cherryfall would insist that she acts as it instead. And Stormcloud knows better than to argue with her, she's the most stubborn thing you've ever met.

She's a knucklehead. He's a gentle giant. I feel like they'd be fun as parents.

But also a bit more absent compared to the other options, which could be good if that's a plot point... but seems unlikely, considering Moonpaw was apparently named because her parents believe she's special.

This one's the MOST clean of any bloodline Moonpaw could be wriggled into. It would actually be super useful going forward honestly. StormCherry kits are compatible with all of the cats of the next generation except Firekin.

If Moonpaw has a ton of siblings I might put them all here just for that... but something tells me she's going to be a singlet tbh.

ShellFern:

I have a weird fondness for these two tbh. Can't explain it. I like grumpy assholes and their sweethearts.

It's super unlikely that these two don't get kittens of their own at some point, but it wouldn't be too big of a problem if I did shuffle Moonpaw in as their first child.

I would enjoy having a little window into their relationship, I used ShellFern for an example of what a post-Lake Aftergathering looks like once just because I like writing about them.

They wouldn't "get in the way" of the plot, either. Shellfur and Fernstripe are both pretty standard warriors, not super ambitious, they have hobbies but they're not reaching for a high status or anything.

If Moonpaw ends up being a little bit of a snarky character, it would be fun if she got that from papa Shellfur lmao.

Aaaand that's it! I don't rewrite arcs until they are done, and as of writing this, even ASC isn't totally completed yet! But there's the pre-emptive options for a fix that is definitely going to happen.

This poll isn't binding because I really need to see which of these options will FIT the best, but I'm curious,

[archangeldyke-all]

slow living reader and sev having a baby? 🥹

AWE of course!

also! this is the fifth little blurb for this series so i'm giving it an emoji on my masterlist! 💐 lets do a little bouquet of flowers because i picture a bunch of wildflowers surrounding your garden :)

men and minors dni

sevika doesn't fuck around when it comes to your pregnancy. so while you're used to getting up in the early morning and spending a couple hours on your hands and knees in the garden and hauling wheelbarrows around your property-- the moment you find out you're pregnant, sevika puts you on a ban from all physical activity.

it's ridiculous. you're barely three weeks pregnant, and sevika's insisting on helping you carry a gallon of milk in from the goat pen. just a gallon.

it's sort of nice though. your baby certainly takes after sevika, if it's appetite is anything to go by. while you're usually happy snacking on snap peas and berries from your garden all day until dinner, where you eat a hearty meal cooked by sevika: now you're shoveling half a dozen scrambled eggs down your throat in the morning, eating through a month's worth of cheese and crackers in the afternoon, and snacking on spicy pickles when you can't sleep in the middle of the night.

sevika finds it hilarious. you guys buy a few more ducks to keep up with the rate your house is eating eggs.

as annoying as she is when she's insisting you don't do anything, she does a fairly decent job of handling the garden herself. after a few afternoons of standing over her to supervise as she weeded to make sure she didn't pull any of your crops on accident, she made a little custom set up for you in the garden: a big sun umbrella covering a reclining lawn chair, a battery-powered fan, ice-cold pitcher of water, and big bowl of sunflower seeds waiting for you each afternoon.

it's become your favorite part of the day: lounging and snacking and chatting with your wife while she learns more about the garden, one of your hands on your growing belly, the other reaching out to pull sevika down for a kiss every ten minutes.

the cats start becoming really protective of you. a few of the older mother goats do too-- recognizing that you're pregnant. you never have a moment to yourself once you start showing, there's always a cat or two standing on guard to make sure you're okay while you wander around your home.

what you used to call 'the cats room' is now your baby's. all the cat trees, beds, and toys have migrated to the basement to make room for a bunch of furniture sevika hand-made.

a crib that can transform into a kids' bed when the kid gets older, a dresser that can last a lifetime, a rocking chair and stool for you to nurse in, and a gorgeous bookshelf for you to fill with toys and books for your baby. sevika made it all in at her little woodworking station in the storage shed by the goat's pen. each piece of furniture is inscribed with a message that makes you sob each time you see it, a simple, sweet, 'for our sweet baby.'

you know that once the baby comes, it'll be a few years before you and sevika can fully adjust and get back to growing all your own food. so, you guys start stocking up on produce and meat-slabs from local farms nearby.

you don't make it to the hospital when the baby comes. you planned to deliver in the hospital, you wanted a fucking epidural, but your baby came out of nowhere a week early.

one minute you were laughing at sevika struggling to prune the watermelon vines, the next minute your water was breaking and you were going into labor right on the reclining chair you'd spent a majority of your pregnancy on.

it doesn't take long to realize that you're not going to make it to the hospital. you know something's wrong when you try to stand.

"sevika!" you gasp. she's staring at you like a deer in headlights as she holds you up.

"what, honey, what's wrong?"

"fuck, baby, i think it's coming now." you whine.

sevika sits you back down on the chair, helps you get your bottom half naked, then looks between your legs.

"is it bad?" you start to cry, the pain and adrenaline needing an escape.

sevika's panicked, you can see it in her eyes, but she doesn't let it show as she speaks. "it's exactly what it's supposed to be, baby. but i think you're right. i think you gotta push."

you start to freak out. "sevika! we can't have our baby here! it's the garden, there's dirt everywhere! we don't even have clean towels and fuck!" you growl as a contraction overtakes you. sevika's pressing kisses to your knuckles as you grip her hands. "sevika, you're not a doctor!" you cry.

she chuckles, reaches up to kiss your head, and then kneels between your legs again.

"i delivered the goats when marnie got pregnant a few years ago." she tries.

"i'm not a fucking goat!" you scream.

and then--

little tiny cries fill the garden, and all your pain washes away. sevika looks up from between your legs, grinning and sobbing, and then she stands.

and wiggling and screaming in her arms, umbliical cord still attatched, is your little fucker.

"it's a girl." she whispers, leaning down to pass the baby to you.

you take a shaky breath, and then burst into tears upon seeing your baby. she looks just like sevika. it's uncanny. "she's so fucking beautiful." you cry.

sevika wraps your baby up in her shirt, cuts the cord with the gardening shears, and throws your placenta right on top of the compost pile before she starts guiding the two of you toward the car to take you to the hospital.

you have to keep reminding her to drive-- she'll pull up to a red light and get distracted looking at you and your baby in your arms in the passenger's seat. you get honked at a few times, but you don't mind.

not when she's looking at you like that and you've got her baby in your arms.

taglist!

@fyeahnix @sapphicsgirl @half-of-a-gay @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner @shimtarofstupidity @chuucanchuucan @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther @gr0ssz0mbi3 @ellsss @sevikaspillowprincess @leomatsuzaki @emiliabby @sevikasbeloved @hellorai @vikasub @glass-apothecary @m0numents @macaroni676 @vixel352

[the-s1lly-corner]

Hello,

1: how are you today (or whenever you're reading and/or responding to this)?

2: If it's alright, could I request a ticci toby x (gn) reader who acts as a "mom friend" towards him in a way, where they don't let him do something really big if he's injured, or similar things like that?

3: Have a marvelous day, night, whatever time it is for you, and stay awesome!

Ticci Toby x mom friend!reader

raaaah we are killing time, waiting for the sun to come up so i can go check in on my tree hiss hiss... as for the first question! as of the time im writing this im... okay..? a little stressed since im still trying to figure out whats going on with my lemon tree- recently had to prune off a sucker... and i was glad because a lot of these weird wilted leaves were growing on it! hooray shedding off a lot of these weird browned leaves! downside, i noticed that there were one or two of the same leaves on a normal branch... so uh.. problem still persists.. hisshiss.. notes: reader is gn cws: edit

mixed feelings on being treated like this; on one hand i can see him rejecting it out of... well simply not being used to being treated with care and just generally not wanting to feel dependent on someone

but on the other hand i can see him enjoying the care and attention you give to him because it does feel nice- hes been a little starved for things like that, you know?

he can easily be both, i think...

the only thing he doesnt much enjoy is how you "ban" him from doing things- whether things he needs to do or simply wants to do- due to being injured or sick

whether it be out of a sense of needing to get work done or just not taking his own injuries seriously

doesnt even realizes hes sick sometimes, obligatory admin is not an expert on CIPA, but from what hes reading they can feel pressure but not pain or temperature soooooo.... he doesnt think to check or have the means to check- you arent open to many supplies when youre basically just.. living in the woods

though that being said i do enjoy the idea of him seeking you out for care after getting a small injury, think a bruise or a slight cut, and asking if you can help him

nothing more to it than him just wanting to spend time with you in some way

overtime he does learn better self care methods, usually the most he would do for an injury is clean and wrap it but with you around, he makes sure to do other stuff when possible just so you dont worry as much

[adventures-in-a-world-of-fiction]

I've started clearing out the fire pit at the allotment. I've been mentally referring to this as a fire pit because that's what it looks like - the inside is lower than the surrounding ground and it's edged with stones, plus there are tree stumps next to it that look like someone could it on to watch a fire. I wasn't completely certain that was what it was until today when I started clearing it.

At some point, someone had dumped a load of branches and pruning debris on it, but never made a fire, so I was clearing that out and found some semi-burned remains underneath. So it definitely has been used for fires.

I don't want to keep it as a fire pit though. The allotment site has restrictions on having fires and there's talk of them being banned completely, so I want to turn this into something else. I want to make it something of a feature, so not just another bed for planting vegetables.

I want to put in something that will be permanent and that will look nice as well as being functional, but I don't know what it's going to be.

[dianight]

"They got banned for [made up thing that did not happen] not for being trans" you are so fucking gullible you are a danger to everyone around you and more.

Not to point fingers but some of you need to do a bit of a culling regarding who follows you. If one of my posts reaches the disgusting parts of tumblr you bet I'm checking exactly how and who got that post there and blocking accordingly.

Pruning a branch saves the tree and all that.

[juniusgirl]

In a fit of Wikipedia scrounging (sponsored by ADHD, for all your random interest needs!), I was reading about mulberry trees and

"Some North American cities have banned the planting of mulberries because of the large amounts of pollen they produce, posing a potential health hazard for some pollen allergy sufferers.[10] Actually, only the male mulberry trees produce pollen; this lightweight pollen can be inhaled deeply into the lungs, sometimes triggering asthma.[11][12] Conversely, female mulberry trees produce all-female flowers, which draw pollen and dust from the air. Because of this pollen-absorbing feature, all-female mulberry trees have an OPALS allergy scale rating of just 1 (lowest level of allergy potential), and some consider it "allergy-free".[11]

Mulberry tree scion wood can easily be grafted onto other mulberry trees during the winter, when the tree is dormant. One common scenario is converting a problematic male mulberry tree to an allergy-free female tree, by grafting all-female mulberry tree scions to a male mulberry that has been pruned back to the trunk.[13] However, any new growth from below the graft(s) must be removed, as they would be from the original male mulberry tree.[14]"

Now all I can think of is Trans trees.

TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREESTRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREESTRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREESTRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREESTRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES TRANS TREES

[notbeingnoticed]

Congress adds an average of 55 new crimes each year. There are now around 5,000 federal crimes you can be punished for, and that doesn't include all the regulations that have criminal penalties, nor all the crimes created at the state and local levels of government.

A few federal crimes:

•Letting your snowmobile idle for more than 3 mins in Yellowstone National Park.

•Selling self-pressurized animal food without warning people to not spray it in their eyes.

•Pruning coffee trees during the elfin-woods warbler's peak breeding season.

•Selling "spaghetti sauce with meat" if it's less than 6% meat.

•Chasing away a polar bear with your truck.

•Importing moist bamboo into the United States.

•Selling a baby pacifier with leather or chain attached to it.

What people think the government does: build roads and protect rights. What the government actually does: Ban moist bamboo importing.

[spintaxi]

Aging Exceptionally

If You Can Still Get Off the Floor Without a Forklift, You Might Be Aging Exceptionally

The Senior Olympics of Daily Life: How to Tell If You're a Centenarian Ninja in Disguise BY: Savannah Steele | SpinTaxi.com | Senior Shenanigans Columnist

Welcome to the Senior Decathlon, Sponsored by Unopened Jars and Stubborn Floor Rugs

You’ve seen them. Silver-haired titans with titanium hips, sweeping past you at Whole Foods while listening to NPR at full blast. They walk three miles before sunrise, dominate crossword puzzles with unholy vengeance, and still dance like it’s 1959 and someone spiked the punch. According to YourTango, if you’re over 70 and still doing seven specific tasks like grocery shopping, floor-standing, and vaguely tolerating humanity, you’re aging exceptionally. But here at SpinTaxi, we asked the tough question: Have we just lowered the bar so much that standing up is now a flex? If so, congratulations. You're one deep squat away from sainthood. So here it is, the only guide you’ll ever need to know if you're aging gracefully, hilariously, or somewhere in between Bingo Champion and TikTok Grandma.

Grocery Store Grand Prix: The Cart Is the New Ferrari

If you’re over 70 and you still do your own grocery shopping, the world now sees you as a nutritional Navy SEAL. The YourTango article frames this as heroic: the ability to walk through fluorescent lighting with your soul intact. But for people like 79-year-old Betty in Topeka, it’s just Tuesday. “I go in, I grab sardines, prune juice, and a pineapple. They act like I defused a bomb.” She’s been banned from three self-checkout lanes for yelling, “IT’S ORGANIC, DAMMIT!” and declaring war on barcodes. “If you're over 70 and still grocery shopping, congratulations. You're now the strongest person in America not currently sponsored by Gatorade.” — _Ron White_

Standing Up Without a Forklift: A Biblical Miracle

Rising from the floor unassisted is no longer just a movement. It’s a spiritual awakening. There’s now a senior CrossFit in Phoenix where the only exercise is “getting up slowly while everyone holds their breath.” Marvin, 81, was seen getting off the lawn at his granddaughter’s birthday party without grabbing a tree or relative. “I just felt the spirit move through my knees,” he said. Paramedics were called—not because he fell, but because no one believed it. “At 70, getting off the floor without groaning is the same as hitting a home run. Everyone claps, and you still need ice after.” — _Jerry Seinfeld_

The Dance Floor: Your Last Competitive Sport

If you’re grooving past 70, you’re not just dancing—you’re issuing a threat to mortality. Just ask Eleanor, 74, who moonwalked at her neighbor’s funeral and was asked to leave, politely but firmly. “I just wanted to liven it up,” she said, “and it was my Frank.” Now she teaches a Tuesday class called “Zumba for the Undeterred,” where the main exercise is sass and salsa. “Seniors who still dance scare me. What else are they capable of? You beat arthritis—you think I’m scared of your hips?!” — _Kevin Hart_

The Puzzle Warriors: Crosswords for Survival

Forget Sudoku. The New York Times Crossword is now being used by the NSA to screen for genius octogenarians. Arthur, 77, completes it in pen and only uses words he learned pre-Watergate. When his grandson tried to help, Arthur muttered, “That clue’s about World War II. Go back to your Minecraft, child.” One witness said they saw steam come out of his ears when he wrote in “paramecium” without flinching. “If Grandma can still crush a crossword puzzle, she’s either immortal or secretly the Zodiac Killer.” — _Ali Wong_

Household Chores: CrossFit for the Medicare Crowd

Doing your own laundry? Vacuuming? Cleaning a baseboard? At 70+, this is no longer “housework.” It’s heroism. Dorothy, 80, carries her laundry upstairs every Thursday. She says she likes the resistance training. Also says she hasn’t trusted elevators since Nixon resigned. One doctor called her “the Chuck Norris of linens.” “My mom does her own laundry at 82. Meanwhile, I pulled my back putting on a sock. She wins. I give up.” — _Sarah Silverman_

Social Engagement: Now With Bonus Bingo

Engaging with the world used to mean working, organizing protests, or writing angry letters to the editor. Now, it just means not retreating into a blanket burrito of silent resentment. Herbert, 83, runs a Facebook group called “Classy Trash Talkers of Tulsa.” He posts memes about colonoscopies and Taylor Swift. He says staying engaged is all about volume. “The louder I am, the more people think I’m fine.” “Old people on Facebook don’t care. They will post a rant, an oatmeal recipe, and a Bible verse in the same breath. That’s real power.” — _Trevor Noah_

The Memory Event: Why Did I Come In This Room?

This one separates the masters from the mildly confused. If you’re still walking into a room and knowing why you’re there—you deserve a Nobel Prize in neurology. Myra, 75, narrates her every movement to stay sharp. “I'm going into the kitchen for a spoon. Not for a snack. A spoon. S-P-O-O-N.” Her cat has started mimicking the behavior. “Every room I walk into, I feel like it’s a pop quiz from the universe. What do I want? Where’s my phone? Am I already dead?” — _Larry David_

Bonus Round: Senior Overachievers to Be Feared and Admired

Mastering Tech (Without Yelling at It) Frank, 76, not only sends texts, he includes GIFs. He also FaceTimes his granddaughter to say “good night,” which terrifies her friends. “He’s like a sweet ghost in an argyle sweater,” one said. Frank believes Siri is his daughter. Avoiding New Prescriptions Every doctor visit ends with the phrase, “Let’s put you on something.” But if you walk out with the same meds you walked in with, you’re a unicorn. Lois, 90, says she cheats the system. “I bring donuts. They get distracted.”

Helpful Takeaways for Mortals

So what can you, reader of any age, learn from these absurdly functional humans? Keep moving, even if it’s to avoid your adult children. Challenge your brain. If not with crosswords, then by assembling IKEA furniture. Do stuff yourself. Independence is like underwear—most people don’t notice it until it’s missing. Stay social. Roast people on Zoom calls. Complain about things in a charming way. Laugh often. Especially when you fart and it scares the dog.

The Honor Roll of Exceptionally-Aging Legends

Let’s spotlight some of the true legends of this movement: Lois, 90: Retired librarian who now moonlights as a competitive pickleball player and part-time Tinder coach. Bernice, 87: Won $400 playing blackjack in Reno and said, “Death can wait.” Marty, 75: Writes erotic fan fiction about “Murder, She Wrote.” Estelle, 85: Refuses to wear bifocals and uses binoculars instead. Says it’s “more theatrical.” “My grandma doesn’t slow down. She just speeds up until the rest of us look like we’re in slow motion. She’s like The Flash, if he had orthotic inserts.” — _Chris Rock_

Final Thoughts from the SpinTaxi Staff

It’s clear: “exceptional aging” is just regular aging plus showmanship. You don’t have to skydive at 80 or drink kale smoothies to age well. You just need to show up, speak up, and occasionally scare a nurse with your flexibility. If you’re over 70 and still doing these things, you’re not just defying age—you’re giving it the middle finger in cursive. Or as Marvin put it, after successfully tying his own shoes, “I might die in these, but at least I laced them myself.” What the Funny People Are Saying “Old people are like classic cars. Sure, they backfire sometimes, but they still turn heads.” — Ricky Gervais “If you can still fart and blame it on the dog at 85, you’re doing better than half the Senate.” — Amy Schumer “My grandmother texts in all caps and calls it ‘energy typing.’ She’s a vibe.” — Dave Chappelle “I love old people. They have no filter. They’ll tell you you’re ugly and offer you pie in the same breath.” — Tig Notaro

Satirical Sources

Senior Citizen Wins Zumba-Off, Defeats Local Teen Using Only Hips and Grit Medicare Doesn’t Cover Pickleball Injuries—But God Does, Says One Pastor Retirement Community Forms eSports League, Demands Golden Joysticks Octogenarian Refuses to Die Until Grandkids Learn to Make Real Gravy Self-Checkout Kiosk Has Nervous Breakdown After Argument with 84-Year-Old New Study Confirms Crosswords and Petty Gossip Extend Lifespan SpinTaxi.com — redefining aging one hilarious fact-check at a time.Auf Wiedersehen!

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Aging Exceptionally

SpinTaxi Magazine - A wide-aspect cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. The scene shows a chaotic yoga studio for people over 70. Seniors are mid-pose one is... spintaxi.com

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[brooklynislandgirl]

Crime and Punishment: Has your muse ever committed a serious crime? Have they ever done something they regret to this day? What was it? Why did they do it?

Fragments || -

Silence reigns in the aftermath of Chris' question. It slinks down from Beth's face then crawls bit by bit until it fills the greenhouse with its nothingness. Living. Breathing. Like everything else in this space. And broken interminable moments later by the sound of the pinking sheers set down on the table where she's pruning her plants with meditative calmness. She did not ask what made him think about that. Makes no jokes about stealing shirts, books, the last of the coffee from the bottom of the pot. He isn't curious about ordinary every day things. The little signs of a relationship a decade or more in the making. He knows about those. Encourages them some days. "I was hopin' dat you'd nevah aks," she murmurs. Almost too softly when she insists keeping her back to him. "Life's too short an' uncertain to have regrets, Kilika." She raises her hand. Waves it a little airily as if wafting smoke away from herself. "One of da kine...not order but not suggestion...but more a ban given by Teanoi ~our great Shark~ to His children is take no pleasure or sorrow in killing. An' he aks dat ya never hold one grudge." Her shoulders rise and fall as waves. The ever rolling sea within her. "Sometimes, ya goddah do wha' is best for as many people as possible. Protect keiki an' da elderly. Defend animals who don' deserve da treatment dey gettin'. Look after women an' men who are haunted by da horrors in every day livin'. Is all part of my kuleana as a witch. Part of gardenin' you could say." Does he see the roots of her world tree, the deep red stain rising up the bark? Were he to strike at her core and cut it open, would he find ghosts howling or would he find dark rings tinged with responsibility and careful judgement? Will he now see her as alien? She is not emotionless. If anything it can be said that she cares too much about too many things and tries to stand as a breakwater against humanity run amok, grown too fast, too quickly. Or maybe he will understand that in the end, she too is simply a part of nature. Has to be. Her voice lacks bite. Hardly exists on her exhale. "Was dere somet'ing in particular you wan aks me, or was dis a sort of general question?"

[valleykarate]

“ okay. time for a break, yeah? let’s stop for now, catch a breath, we can come back to it later. ” harper

harper sits cross-legged on the grass beside the little potted bonsai tree robby had placed in front of her, her small fingers gripping the pruning shears tightly with a grip strength that a five-year-old definitely shouldn't be able to exhibit—she's a bit nervous, & her eldritch side is ultimately helping her grip strength become a lot stronger. the sun filters through the leaves above their heads, casting shadows on her face. the sound of flowing water from the koi pond helps sooth her, just a little bit. she looks up at her dad, her brown eyes wide with worry, a suitably small pair of wings fluttering behind her, blowing the bonsai tree around a bit. this is the first time she's ever trying to cut a bonsai tree, so she's very much doubting her abilities. papa & dad & mommy & dada & mama make it look so super-duper easy! not to mention, all of her grandparents, aunts & uncles, too! they're, like, the best at it, but harper's not.

"what if i mess it up?" she asks softly, biting her lip. "what if the tree gets all... all funny looking?" she hesitates, glancing at the little tree, then back at robby. the fear of getting it "wrong" wraps around her like a heavy blanket. she's relieved that no one is here to make fun of her, it's just her & her dad at the dojo right now. papa could definitely beat up uncle hawk if he laughed at her—she had once overheard her uncle seth call him a "shithead" when uncle seth was in that bad dojo... cobra kai, or something like that? don't get her wrong, she likes her uncle hawk, but she's still a little shy around him. she also doesn't know what that "shithead" word means, but it sounds cruel. she'd heard some pretty dis... discon-art-ting... disconcerting stories.

"i don't want you to be mad at me if i mess up," she whispers, her voice quivering slightly. a tear forms in the corner of her eye. she really doesn't want to disappoint him. "but, um, if i do, i'm sorry..." she mumbles, nervously wiggling her legs a little bit, her pupils flashing an inhuman green color, signaling how nervous she is.

"okay. time for a break, yeah? let's stop for now, catch a breath; we can come back to it later," @taughtpain says gently.

harper nods, trying to hold back her tears as she places the tool down next to her. she begins to fidget with her fingers, avoiding eye contact with robby. she knows henry would be really sad to see her crying, & so would papa. she really loves spending time with robby & learning new things, but the thought of disappointing one of her parents—& one of her heroes—makes her heart ache. her emotional feedback loop that she'd inherited from papa makes her very sensitive to her own emotions as well as others. so maybe it is a good idea that they take a break.

with a soft whimper, & blinking back more tears, harper suddenly climbs into robby’s lap, curling up against her dad, her tiny arms wrapping around his body. she buries her face into his chest, sniffling softly as she tries to steady her breathing. her tears wet his shirt, & she feels bad about that.

"dad, is grandpa cobra gonna call me a crybaby for... being... nervous?" she asks quietly. grandpa cobra is, of course, johnny. she thinks he's intense, & the idea of him calling her names makes her even more anxious. "maybe..." she sniffles, her voice muffled by the material of his shirt, "maybe you can show that silly bon-say... ban-sai... bonsai tree who the bestest dad in the world is. can you?"

[absentabsolution]

As you have doubtless heard me say time and again, humans are social creatures. We need community and intimacy, we are strongest when we are with others, and find our fulfillment in communion with likeminded people who support us and push us to be better.

Relationships are a beautiful manifestation of those communal bonds. By relationship I don’t mean just romantic interactions, but also friendship, and kinship. Raw vulnerability and intimacy — as scary as it can be because of the fear of rejection and disapproval — is still the only way to unlock all of one’s higher order aspirations and to become truly human.

Many societies recognized this, and also recognizing the beauty that lies in the irreplaceability of individual relationships, had bans on the unnecessary loss of life, through murder or suicide. Why? Because the loss of a life isn’t the loss solely of one single vantage point through which to view the world, but that the loss of many worlds — microcosms with endless possibilities and infinite variations, never to be seen again.

This is why the end of any relationship is hard. The death of a friend or family member, distance, betrayal, addiction, etc are all immensely painful and relationship ending phenomena that bring an end to those microcosms. They terminate a tree with infinite branches and infinite roots and grappling with the loss is hard.

Some people never recover. Some people don’t attempt to build again

I am one of those people. I’ve lost a lot of relationships. To all of the factors that I’ve listed above. Of late I’ve sometimes complained of my loneliness while consistently making efforts to extricate myself emotionally from the lives of those I love. If relationships are a tree, then I’m depriving it of water and pruning the branches, and if I’m being honest it’s because in many ways I’ve given up on life and am getting my affairs in order and planning my way out.

I give away money constantly, I give gifts as well. Not simply because of an out flowing of love but rather out of a desire to apologize on the front end to mitigate that loss. It won’t atone for my selfishness in the ultimate sense of the word but hopefully I’m remembered for my kindnesses. It won’t fix it but hopefully it helps.

I have nothing left I want from life. I say that without a hint of self pity or wallowing. I simply haven’t had any experiences that make me crave life, and I have nothing I look forward to. And the social ties that make one cling to life I’ve been systemically whittling away at. By being anti social I am making it so that when I go, the loss will be sharp, momentary, and fleeting — changing the lives and routines of others not at all.

I moved away from my friends and support systems. I’ve been texting less. I’ve been calling less. I’ve quit going out socially. I’ve been giving away gifts and money. And now I’m cutting people off.

I don’t have a set date yet. I’ll know when it’s time. The urges have been getting a lot harder to fight lately which is good. It means it’s almost time. I have no real regrets except that I am sorry for the pain it will cause and I am sorry that when it counted I was too selfish to do the right thing

At this point I just want a few more experiences. A few more memories and a few more tastes of life. And so that’s what the rest of my money goes to. I think part of me subconsciously hopes that I find something that makes me want to stay but honestly I doubt that will be the case.

This blog isn’t known to my family. And it’s known to precious few of my friends. I have a feeling though after I’m gone someone will doubtless stumble across this. So I want to say a few words:

I love you. I’m sorry. This wasn’t your fault. There was nothing you could have done. This is what I wanted. This is just the start of a new adventure for me. I am sorry that I didn’t do the right thing and I’m sorry I pushed all of you away and didn’t ask for help. I’m afraid of being vulnerable because I kept getting hurt, and I’m already carrying around a lot. When I got shot I made a promise to God and myself while I was dying on my living room floor — to always be a constant in the life of those I care about. And I’ve tried to keep that promise these past few years, but I’m tired and empty, and I have nothing left I want except collecting more experiences. I love you. Enjoy life. Peace.

Addendum:

To be clear this isn’t a suicide note, just an explanation of where I’m at mentally. If anyone does try to 5150 me, I will suicide by cop and that is a damn promise. There is literally nothing left I want and I have paid you all my dues. Leave me be.

Further Post Script:

I’m no longer in nearly so pessimistic or dire state of mind, I’ve decided to give being vulnerable a shot again. Sometimes you get kicked in the teeth but that’s life. Giving up on vulnerability is just cowardice and a fear of rejection. Don’t cast pearls before swine but going back to being a robot isn’t the solution either.

[not-so-superheroine]

i giving a talk using Zenos' allegory of the olive tree.

i sorta know what i'm doing, but this has got to be one of the most complex allegories i have ever read.

this is a long one, but here's what i got so far. lmk what you think.

trying to get my thoughts on paper. i talked with my pastor and an friend who was an apostle (they can retire in the Reorganization/ Community of Christ). she suggested that I focus on the parts that speak to me, make it known that it isn't in its fullest form when i give the message, and encourage members to read and study it themselves.

i am going to use the OG olive tree to represent the universal church (and also more specifically the wider latter day saint movement), and then scattering of and grafting on to other trees, as schism/ the scattering of the Saints. the OG tree coming back together could be ecumenism. us a christians (and further more latter day saints bc i think our sects/branches tend to be more antagonistic towards each other). because despite our differences, we must be one in Christ. and we can do this without losing our individual distinctiveness of how we worship, how we believe, and how we express faith in God, but must be one as the Universal Church (and as Saints/Mormons). and that is very hard (ex. having convos with ppl who think i am cursed for example), but the work must be done bc in the D&C Christ says "If ye are not one, ye are not mine". we have a responsibility towards each other, encouraging our siblings, brothers and sisters to grow in their discipleship and extend Christ's compassion.

the scattering of the Saints was necessary for survival, but the total separation has detrimental effects. the pruning of the branches bearing bad fruit, could be the traditions, practices, and policies our faith communites that cause harm / do not carry out our mission of building Christ's peaceable kingdom. man's rule should not bar anyone from Christ's table, as ALL are welcome at Christ's table. this is necessary for healthy trees (our faith communites) and for ecumenism to take place. because otherwise we would be perpetuating harm to vulnerable members (and others).

examples of pruning branches bearing bad fruit could be the RLDS/CoC church beginning to ordain women and the LDS church ordaining Black men (both imperfectly implemented admittedly). and the UMC going through growing pains of acceptance for LGBTQ+ ordination and Baptists churches pursuing ordination and more rights for Baptist women.

I should probably mention things that we (CoC) still need to prune. We had a February policy banning non-monogamists from the preisthood. also discrimination in ordination of LGBTQ+ persons in priesthood, as much as we like to pretend we're all accepting.

So there is work to be done to be that ecumenical tree (the gathering of the saints/ building of Zion together as a home for all). and that i believe Christ calls us to do it.

i am still rather new to the Book of Mormon, and i was selected specifically because i do ecumenical work, especially with other latter day saint sects, to build bridges to understanding, not be so cloistered, and ease contentions and not (sometimes literally) attack each other.

wdyt? appreciate any feedback. mostly lefty congregation, but other sects can be a touchy subject if the schism is too close to home.

though it is important to talk about it anyway, i think.

[turtlesandfrogs]

Pure aggravation:

Some people should not be allowed near trees with a saw in their hands:

Just, no:

Step away from the saw, because you are BANNED:

If you're thinking about just heading off a branch that doesn't have a side branch that's at least 1/3rd the diameter of the branch you're removing, or just picking a height and cutting off everything higher than that, don't. It won't do what you want, and it harms the tree.

Let me explain the first, and then the second, and then give the smallest tips to prevent these crimes against trees.

It won't do what you want:

If you just whack off a trunk or branch without carefully considering where to cut based on the tree's physiology, here's what might happen, depending on the tree and the season:

1. It might die.

2. It might throw out very vigorous, but weak branches, and a whole lot of them. It'll be back to its original height in a year or two.

3. You will have opened a large wound that it can't handle, and now your tree is rotting on the inside.

4. It will NOT stay short and it will ruin the beauty and structural integrity of the tree.

It harms the tree:

1. It opens a giant old wound, leaving an open door to diseases and pests.

2. Because you're not cutting back to a branch that is 1/3rd (at least) the diameter of the one you're removing, there's no apical dominance. Which means ALL the little buds that were dormant and not doing anything spring in to action and start growing wildly and vigorously.

This is a PROBLEM because a) there's a buttload of them, and b) they're not as strongly attached as the branch you removed. So they're prone to crowding, being ugly, and breaking.

Here's the smallest tip:

If you want to remove a branch, find a side branch that's at least 1/3rd the diameter of the branch you're removing, and cut back to that. FIRST though, read up on what a 'branch collar' is, and ideally, at least spend a few hours reading and looking around at pruning jobs in real life. It's usually not hard to find both good and bad examples.

Here's one resource:

https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.ci.lebanon.or.us/sites/default/files/fileattachments/maintenance_operations/page/361/guide_to_pruning_landscape_trees.pdf&sa=U&ved=2ahUKEwjmoLedi6v0AhUeHjQIHXkbCg8QFnoECAEQAg&usg=AOvVaw2ZVRfR25ZbQjPWwewM2hBC

Yeah, it's a pdf, but it's good.

Pollarding, coppicing, and other strategies have their place, but they require you to actually know what you're doing and care about the tree. Who ever did this, clearly didn't.

[wuxiaphoenix]

Worldbuilding: Grow Your Own

A neat detail to add to fantastic worlds, either fantasy or science fiction, could be grow your own exotic plant kits.

It takes time and effort, but it might be worth it if you need something grown under very specific conditions. A potion ingredient, or testing out a new species in different planetary conditions before you unleash space kudzu on a brand-new colonized ecosystem. Or worse, space tumbleweed.

Of course, you’d have to trust whoever you got the seeds from. But if you need mandrake for your potion or Italian oregano on Mars, you’re already trusting somebody to harvest, pack, and ship it. Reputable businessmen ought to exist.

Sure, there would always be fly-by-night outfits that cause plenty of trouble with seeds that aren’t what they’re supposed to be, before irate customers (or their survivors) shut them down permanently. But it can be even more fun to imagine the consequences if the plant kit is Exactly What It Says On The Tin. (Or the pot, so to speak.) Do vampire overlords hunt down garlic-growers? What about hawthorn kits, or wild rose hips? Does the local restaurant owners’ association on a new colony have a stranglehold on spice production, and a vested interest in making sure no one has homegrown paprika? Heck, completely legitimate businessmen can get nervous about seed kits; rubber plantations and vanilla growers are both vulnerable to imported molds and bacteria, to the point it can crash an entire industry. If the local government isn’t inspecting plant grow kits for potential problems, businesses like that would - or possibly try to ban them altogether.

Picture the conversation in a new colony’s cell block. “So what are you in for?”

“Grand larceny, diamonds.”

“Murder.”

“...Avocado seeds?”

(Bonus if the seed-smuggler looks mousy, yet is the most feared inmate in lockup.)

Seed kits would also give a nifty explanation for how your Evil Alchemist/Biotechnologist would have all those rare plants: They grew them themselves. (Or at least had a minion do it.)

Meaning if the heroes bust into the secret lair and trip over the greenhouse, the bad guy is going to be really ticked. Years of work, destroyed or contaminated! Argh!

(It might be worse if it’s a minion who runs the greenhouse. Those plants are their life. They’ll come at the heroes with murder in their eyes and a really sharp pruning saw. You know, the kind that reaches up to get tree branches, so they can slice up your heroes without ever getting into brawling range.)

And then there’s the possibility that someone does Something Horrible to a plant’s home range, and the seed kits are all that’s left. Think of gingkoes, a tree left from the time of the dinosaurs, surviving only in some temple grounds. Maybe your heroes need to track down an ancient sect to find one rare species....

[infinitelycomplexpuzzles-archive]

One thing I don’t get to play with much is that, despite Dionysus being a generally nice and playful and fun god, he can also be a sadistic, violent, psychotic god too. 

Comedy and Tragedy, if you will.

Consider that he’s basically one of the first supervillain like gods in mythology. His cousin bans his worship and says he’s not a god. His aunts say his mother is a whore. Dionysus is a god; he could just smite them like Zeus. He could curse them like Hera or Poseidon. 

But he doesn’t. He shows up personally, and he makes a spectacle of the whole thing. 

He drives all the women in the city insane, drives them into the wilderness. He shows up in disguise, just to fuck with his cousin’s mind, to belittle him. Then he seduces him, and convinces him to go out into the wilderness with him, where he makes his aunts tear him to pieces with their bare hands, and then parade his severed head through the streets. 

Guy is basically like the ancient Greek Joker. 

But that’s hardly the only story. Lycurgus imprisons Dionysus’ followers. Dionysus responds by cursing the lands so they won’t grow anything, and then drives Lycurgus mad, so he’ll prune his own son like a tree. The son, mind you, didn’t do anything wrong. But it would hurt Lycurgus, to realize what he did. And then he tells the people that they won’t get any relief until Lycurgus is dead. 

He might as well have recorded a video and mailed it to the police. 

The thing that sets Dionysus apart is that all the other gods mostly stay removed from their revenge. Aside from Hera and Hercules, the gods usually just smite people or curse them. They don’t show up in their home and personally murder their families. 

Honestly, the fact that Dionysus hasn’t been portrayed with that side in modern comics is amazing.