3nbyblogg3r - Tumblr blog

[3nbyblogg3r]

I have fallen headlong into Good Omens. I love the ineffable husbands. I dove into the novel after watching the show. I can't get enough, but I don't have anyone really to talk to about it. I get lonely in the fandom world sometimes. I fell off for such a long time and lost a lot of connections. Good Omens is the first show that has gripped my heart and held on tight in a looooong time. I cried so hard at the end of season two I thought I may never smile again, until I found some comforting words from Neil Gaiman himself, right here on Tumblr. I'm impatiently waiting for season 3 and filling the Good Omens shaped hole in my heart with Amazon Prime UK's videos of Aziraphale and Crowley.

[3nbyblogg3r]

I haven't been here for a while... I do apologize. I have been trying to get my life together... I moved again and got on medication. I have been finally able to live in the moment and not constantly worry about what may go wrong. I'm still fighting like hell at work against my sexist boss and coworker(s). I know the Union has my back. I'm empowering my fellow suppressed folks at work to speak out too. They can't silence us all. If they try, they will have a hell of a fight on their hands.

I've also adopted a new set of pronouns, Ze/Zim/Zir.

[3nbyblogg3r]

Life Moves On

I realized I haven't written in a while. I've been stuck in my own head a lot recently. The weather has been looking up some, which has helped my seasonal depression. They anxiety isn't doing so hot though since just less than an hour away from where I live a train full of hazardous chemicals derailed not too long ago.

I took a day trip to get some recreational marijuana the other day. It sure is easier to access there than it is here, but the effects don't last as long.

Work has been slow and uneventful at my new-ish job. I have done so much Reddit scrolling, word searching, and Pokémon Go-ing it isn't even funny. I am about to start taking an online class just so I can have something to do at work. All this down time is driving me nuts. I can't just sit around all day waiting for something to need fixing, but alas, that is my job. There is only so much I can do on my work laptop (where I am writing this) before I feel like I need to get up and move around. To be totally honest, I'm not quite sure why my job exists other than having another person to open the store. Once another manager comes in, I'm redundant. If only I could crochet while I'm sitting here, it wouldn't be too bad. If anyone has any ideas of what I could do to waste time at work, let me know. lol

[3nbyblogg3r]

Holiday Hooplah

We have entered the calendar Bermuda triangle. 2022 is coming to a close and 2023 is right around the corner. This year wrapped up rather well. The holidays went well. I got to spend some time with family and got some sweet presents. I think the best gift I got for myself was starting T.

Next year, I'm getting my first name legally changed. I'm tired of fighting all the paperwork and avoiding going to places that use my dead name. I feel like I would take better care of myself if I didn't have to put on the uncomfortable front of [REDACTED]. For now,e I find inclusive doctors, which makes everything so much easier.

I am finally starting to feel at home with myself and it's a weird, yet good feeling. I can feel the depression receding. I have a friend at my new job that I knew from interactions at my old job (being intentionally vague cus of confidentiality). It feels good to have a friend I can talk to and be myself with. I haven't felt like this with someone since a friend I made back in high school. The unfortunate part is that she grew up into a Trump supporter and that drove a wedge between us, at least I feel like it did.

I'm ready for 2023. I have learned a lot this year and am excited about the opportunities to apply my knowledge.

[3nbyblogg3r]

Getting Caught Up

*Changes by Black Sabbath plays*

This past week has been interesting for me. I started Testosterone (as you know), I started my new job, and I am already feeling some of the effects of T.

I am almost through my second week on T. I can feel my voice get crackly a little bit. My throat has been scratchy and my voice kinda broke at work the other day. I'm getting misgendered less (at least that is the way it seems). I have lost some chest and I'm so excited.

I started my new job and got a bit of pushback from the people hired on with the old management. My boss backs me 100% being his manager. We already have a corrective in place for one employee. I've been a manager long enough now that this stuff doesn't phase me. I've seen it before.

*Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd starts playing*

This song always makes me think of my aunt, especially this time of year. We would always go to her house on Christmas Eve and drink EggNog and trank Santa. Those were some simpler times. I wish she was still here. I know she would accept me and want to hear about every stop along the way. At least I hope she would.

*See You on the Other Side by Ozzy Osbourne*

It's weird to say but I can feel myself maturing. I look at the holidays differently now than I did before. I'm no longer bitter about what was denied of me as a neglected child after my grandparents passed away. They loved me and tried to make things memorable, so now I try to be them for the ones I love. I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow and Sunday.

A random thing I wanted to talk about that happened to me today: I got frostbite putting air in my tires at the gas station. I have a long trip tomorrow and I need to make sure they are at the right pressure. It's only supposed to get colder tomorrow. With the windchill (40 mph wind gusts) the real feel here is -27 degrees. When I came in from the car (after safely making it home on the skating rink that was the road) my fingertips were dusted blue overtop a flushed red. I didn't think it was that bad until I was actually in the house (ok real talk I cried in the car holding my hand because it hurt). My toes warmed up rather well. I have feeling back in them now. I never got frostbite this bad before. My middle finger, ring finger, and pinky finger have varying levels of numbness on my right hand. The ones that got hurt the worst are warm while the rest are radiating cold. Long story long, have mittens or real gloves, not fingerless gloves like me.

If you've read this far, cool, and thank you for listening to my ramblings. ^_^ I hope everyone has a happy holiday (if you celebrate). I hope you all are safe and well and stay warm wherever you are!

[3nbyblogg3r]

Struggles

Welcome, everyone, to the mess I call my life. I'm glad to have you here on the adventure. It makes this all less lonely. Strap in, today and last night was crazy.

So, I had a crush on my coworker at my last job. She has been out of work due to surgery and showed up at the holiday party last night. I was going to shoot my shot since I was leaving anyway, but she was hanging all over our other co-worker who got promoted up the ladder. I was crushed. I had another plan (another cute coworker)... they pulled a no-show. I text a sorta cute/lonely text. To my surprise, I get a text back, but It's distant and friendly. *sigh* well... I want to confront Sophie (the one who is with our coworker), but Idk if she'll tell me, or tell me to piss off... I just want some sort of closure I guess...

I woke up relatively early today to get ready for my doctor's appointment. This appointment has been, quite literally, keeping me alive for the past two weeks (at least). It has been the light at the end of the tunnel, the sign saying, "Everything is going to be ok if you can make it here." I was starting T this morning, or so I thought. The phone rings, it's my doctor's receptionist... calling to cancel the appointment. They had both their nurses out today, which meant no one to do shots. I wept for the first time today. I asked to see if I really needed to go back. I had already been there once and knew what I was doing. Did I need someone to watch me the first time? Hold music for a solid 5 minutes. The receptionist comes back on and I dry my tears. I can still come in. I still ended up getting my first dose of T. I've made it.

I decided to go to the local hockey team's pride night tonight because, well, I like hockey and I'm as gay as they come. I had to use the bathroom so I used the family bathroom (there wasn't any other kind of gender-neutral bathrooms, and I've done this song and dance a million times before). This time on my departure, I had a bathroom police. Great. This employee assumed a whole about me by telling me where I could and couldn't go to the bathroom. I tried explaining how I'm non-binary, and there aren't any gender-neutral bathrooms. Brian walked away. Yes, that is his real name. I'm not protecting the identity of transphobes. I tried going up to him and demanding an apology. Nothing. He walked away. I cried for the second time today. The company I was there with went to guest services about it. They gave them an apology for Brian's actions and told them he would be reprimanded for it. That's it. Nothing else... Happy pride night to me. I cried internally over my hockey nachos and tried to be as small as possible the rest of the night. I tried blending into the crowd. Tried enjoying the game.

I wrote a letter to the venue's management on their website. I won't post the whole thing here. It is to the effect of, "... this is rainbow marketing... felt like I didn't belong... his name was Brian... never returning... told all my gay friends". There's the spark notes version *nervous laugh*

Here I am now, writing in bed and wondering if I even should've sent that email... wondering if anything I'm even doing is making a fucking difference at all...

[3nbyblogg3r]

Welcoming Even More New Friends

Hello! It was nice to log on today and see another new follower and some new interaction with my blog. Welcome everyone! I hope I have enough internet charisma to go around {insert nervous laughter here}, but I digress. I hope you all feel welcome here. ^_^

I am posting from the work computer for the last time. At least this work computer. Today is my last day at my current job. It is bittersweet. I just started saying out loud to other people (other than my bosses) the other day that I'm leaving. This day doesn't really seem real. At least I'm in a sorta secluded spot today at work. I like to take advantage of these times to do research on things and speak to all of you. I don't know why but I seem to do most of my thinking here at these work computers, probably because there isn't much else to do after the daily tasks have been done.

I keep thinking about Monday. It is just around the corner. My first dose of Testosterone. I've told a few of my trans friends. They are super excited for me. All except one. She didn't seem to have much to say. There may be more going on there. Her and I aren't super close though, so I can't tell.

I don't know if I've ever really talked about my living situation here, but let's just say this, my apartment management is a slumlord. They try and do the least amount of work and charge way more than the apartment is worth so they can make as much lazy income as possible. It takes zero skill to be a landlord. Zero. This apartment complex shows me this whenever we have a problem that needs fixed, like the mold I'm dealing with in the bedroom right now. The faucet in the kitchen has been leaking when you turn it on for close to a year but I didn't even bother call them about it. It still works and that's all that really matters. I can't wait to be able to move out of this place. I can count the good night's sleep I've gotten on one hand since moving in a year ago. I don't know what to do, and I guess I'm hoping someone who sees this will know.

It also just feels so good to let all of this out. I have always loved writing but it seemed so isolating when I wouldn't let anyone else read my many, many, poems and short stories I would write. I was embarrassed of them. My art is shy. Knowing that I can be genuine here and stay anonymous is nice. I think I know why people have pen names now.

Their art is shy.

[3nbyblogg3r]

“Why don’t you want to go to your high school reunion?”

[3nbyblogg3r]

Finding Belonging

Hello to my first follower! I hope you enjoy the blog, and I apologize in advance for the sporadic uploads *nervous laugh*.

I am starting T on Monday and I am so excited. Hopefully this will make this meat suit feel more like home. I start my new job on Thursday. Next week is a lot of new starts. Hopefully they will all be for the better. I am excited and nervous about starting T and about the new job. I am going to be among people like me at my new job. There is another nonbinary person and a trans person at my new job. It gets so tiring being the only trans person at work. I used to work with someone at my current job, what seems like ages ago, who is trans. I miss him. It is just a special kind of connection T4T relationships (of all kinds) have. I feel like the new job is going to be good for me, as is the T. I am just a creature of habit and forming a new one is always hard. The new job also offers a new opportunity for me. I can be assertive in my decision making and lead my team. I can make it a vow to correct every single person who misgenders me. I haven't really made an effort with customers at this job to correct them. It's always hard and you would think they would notice my pronoun pin (they usually don't). I will miss the regulars here. I am so temped to just tell them all where I am going so I can keep seeing them, since I will be in the same industry. I don't want to out myself as leaving though since only my bosses here know. Oh well. I doubt many people will miss me here anyway.

Next week is going to be interesting, but I know I will make it through. I will learn the new commute and the new people at my new store. I already have a friend who is working over there. The raise, the union job, the support from my team and from the company... it outweighs the 40 minuet car drive and the first day jitters. Better things are yet to come.

[3nbyblogg3r]

Moving Up

I have found a new job in the same industry I am in right now. I'm excited about the move. The new place seems to have a well-established, well-working system. Everyone has a team mentality. It was the first interview that seemed like my time was genuinely respected. I will e-mail my new boss today to ask about some more of the finer details of the new position (including pay *dun-du duh* {my pathetic attempt at being dramatic. lol}). I am so excited. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

This company makes a particular point to be opening and ACTIVE allies to the LGBTQ+ community. I feel like I'm going to be safe there. I was a bit vulnerable with my new boss by telling her that is also a part of the reason I want to leave my current company. I have been here 7 months and I still get misgendered by my coworkers. I heard it takes 48 days to break a habit. I have been at my current job for 216 days. It's personal.

[3nbyblogg3r]

Starting T

I'm not gonna lie, I'm nervous. I'm nervous for the changes. I'm nervous about the shots. I'm nervous about how I might feel about my body during my transition. I'm nervous I'm not going to know when to stop taking T. I'm nervous I'm going to mess up the shots. I'm nervous I'll look like my sperm donor. I AM excited though. I am excited for the opportunity to make this meat mech feel more like home. I have been hiding for what seems like forever now. I was sitting at work thinking about high school. I hid then just like I do now. I've never liked the way I look whether it be for weight or hormones. Right now it feels like both. My back hurts due to my poor posture because I subconsciously try to hide my chest. That is next on the agenda. I have one of the most wonderful doctors and she is going to help me get my insurance to see that they need to pay for my top surgery one way or the other, breast cancer or dysphoria.

[3nbyblogg3r]

Rough Seas at Night

!!!CONTENT WARNING!!! PTSD, insomnia, mental abuse, verbal abuse, religious abuse, foster care, abuse towards a neurodiverse person, abuse towards an lgbtq+ person.

I had such a hard time sleeping last night. I tossed and turned trying to get comfortable. The flashbacks have started again. This is probably a good time to mention that I'm about 100% positive that I have #PTSD. Not going to lie, I would be more surprised if I didn't and I don't really need a doctor to tell me that it isn't normal to have moments that I have all but forgotten about keeping me awake at night. This time of year is really rough. There is an important death anniversary in a few days and in about a month is the anniversary of when I went into foster care. I hate Christmas for this reason, among many others that build up to this reason.

I like to think that the abuse that happened in foster care didn't affect me. I like to think that I went through enough shit before getting placed in the system that I became numb to the verbal and mental abuse and the neglect that I was victim to in foster care. I wasn't. It replays in my head at night. It impacts my daily life. I don't get myself things because I can hear my foster "Mom" saying, "you don't need any more clutter" "it's just going to take up space". I fucking hate her. She wasn't always the way she is now, but then again she wasn't always a born-again Christian who thought you could catch "the gay". After hearing how she reacted to me marrying someone who was trans, she didn't get an invite to our wedding and I made sure to keep her on Facebook just long enough for her and the rest of my foster family to see how happy I am now, then deleted them all. I knew they would've disowned me anyway when I publicly came out as trans that same year. She constantly deadnames and misgenders her other trans foster child. I wouldn't be any different. They all just became an example of who not to be, like I needed any more of them *insert world's largest eye roll here*. This is all to say, I think I need to go back to therapy, but maybe a different kind of therapy. I know how to attack my anxiety, but the flashbacks and the paralyzing fear I don't know how to deal with, other than laying as still as possible and waiting for it to pass, I feel powerless against.

I really do encourage anyone who is reading this and relating a little too much to seek out help. Make sure you are getting the kind of help that you deserve, and don't settle for anything less. Find someone who is going to be open to your situation if you are a part of the LGBTQ+ community. There are therapists that specify in their bio online that they are LGBTQ friendly. They are your friends. For far too long I was afraid to get help because I didn't feel safe in the space where we were literally going to pick apart my soul. Being able to have someone to talk to that is going to take you as you, and ALL of you into account will make the biggest difference between if sessions with that therapist/psychologist/whoever is going to work for you or not. I will include a link that really helped me find my LGBTQ+ primary care physician, and therapist.

With seasonal depression also making things extra hard for those who are already struggling, please take care of yourself. I unfortunately can't tell you what that looks like for you, because it's different for everyone, but you are the most important person in your life (or at least you should be). If there is one thing I learned about growing up a neglected only child, you are all you have so you need to make sure you take care of you first. Don't make the mistake I made 1000Xs of putting ANYONE before yourself.

[3nbyblogg3r]

A Warm Hello!

I've been thinking about making this blog for a while. To say that it was an original idea would be a lie. I read the book Symptoms of Being Human and decided to give it a shot. If Riley can do it, so can I. I have tried having other blogs in the past and nothing really got off the ground. No one read it, and to be completely honest, I don't blame them. I figured if I started this blog here, it might get some traction. Tumblr has been known to be highly queer, just the way I like my social media. :)

I don't really know if I'm expecting anyone to read this. I mean, it would be nice for someone to stumble across it and make a connection to it on a personal level. Maybe someone will find comfort in being able to pin down their feelings or have a place they can interact with someone like them. I guess what I'm trying to say is I hope whoever reads this feels ok to be themselves, even if it is only here, in front of their screen and behind their keyboard. I feel like everyone deserves a place where they can feel comfortable and safe. I guess I'm so adamant about that because I really didn't have a good place to just be me. I want to give others what I didn't get until just recently (at the age of 25), safety and room to grow.

I should probably introduce myself. My name is Rowan. I live in the United States and I am a 25-year-old non-binary person. My feelings about gender are usually, "don't know them." Just like time, calendars, and the economy, gender is just a thing we made up and expected everyone to follow without a second thought. I wonder how many people, given the opportunity, would like their life outside these roles that we assigned ourselves just because of what is in our pants? How many people would be happier just being than trying to be what society wants, no, needs them to be for it to function. It took me so long to reach the freeing realization that I can be anyone that I want to be. I can be the person that makes me the happiest and that is the only thing that matters. That I can live my truth. That's all I want for anyone.

A small word bank

Non-binary: someone whose gender doesn't fit in the traditional roles of "feminine" or "masculine". It may be a mix of both, or neither, or a third or even fourth gender.

Transgender (often shortened to "trans"): Someone whose gender identity doesn't line up with the one they were socialized as at birth i.e. "male", "female"

Society: a place where if you don't fit into a nicely defined box, they are not sure what to do with you. It's ok. You belong here. Society is full of phonies anyway.