4amcutie - Tumblr blog

[4amcutie]

Every single bite is a reminder about how gross I am

Every time I swallow I feel like throwing up

Every little binge crisis makes me collapse

Every time I look at myself in the mirror I feel like shooting myself right in between the eyes

[4amcutie]

I’m really scared

Bc I haven’t been feeling happy unless I’m with him

And i do NOT wish to be like this

This is so toxic

I don’t want this for me or him

I’m so fup he deserves someone healthy

I’m so tired

I hate when he leaves

Why do I only find confort on clothes that smell like him now ?

I feel fking sick.

[4amcutie]

Sometimes I feel so detached from my reality

I totally forget where, when and practically who I am

It’s really weird

And I really don’t like it

It’s like I know who I am

But at the same time I don’t ?

I remember what I did yesterday but was that me?

I feel so disconnected from everything

It’s such a hard feeling to describe

I’m probably not making any sense really

Idk

I hate when I feel like this.

[4amcutie]

What is this feeling?

Sometimes I suddenly start feeling like shit

I get really sad

And I want to cry but I can’t

Kinda feels like I don’t have any tears

I’m sad? But I am not feeling any emotions at the same time

I start to feel this strong pressure on my chest

It’s hard for me to breath

My head starts to hurt a lil bit

But I don’t understand

What is this ?

[4amcutie]

Started cutting again last week…

Not me just relapsing on everything 🧍‍♀️

(Tw everything fake)

[4amcutie]

Guys I’m cutting again… I’m baaaack ☺️

[4amcutie]

Baby I’m so bad for you.

I love you so much but I’m relapsing and I genuinely don’t want you to relapse bc of me.

I’m genuinely considering leaving you.

I’m so scared to hurt you.

I’m so scared that you’ll leave me.

I know I’m fup but I’m genuinely trying I swear.

I wish i could get better for you.

I wish I could stop hurting myself.

I wish I could like eating.

I wish I could stop using.

I wish I felt like I was good enough.

I wish I didn’t felt like ending me everyday.

I wish we could be healthy and happy together.

But I don’t think I’m capable of that much.

I don’t think I’m worthy tbf

[4amcutie]

I’m like 99% sure everyone I know actually finds me so fucking annoying

[4amcutie]

I need to find a place where to live

I need to get my grades up or I won’t be able to get into the program I want

I need to stop spending money on things I don’t need

I need to study for my exams

I need to do my project finals

I need to eat normally… or at least try

I need to stop taking drugs or again at lest try

I need to go to the doctor

I need to fight the urge of cutting myself a little longer

I need to talk to him about what we are

I need to tell him we can’t date because im bad for him

I need to get better

Or at least try

I need to find motivation to do everything I just said

I need to find motivation to get out of my bed

[4amcutie]

I am now 20.

And I still want to kill myself

My ed is still here

I still feel like im not good enough at anything

I still feel like im not worthy of love

I’m a drug addict

And yet

I’m still alive

Because I’m coward

I’ve been one ever since I’m 10

Let’s see how long I’ll last

Make your bets

[4amcutie]

Been in love with you is so complicated. Because every time you tell me “hey let’s do some lines” and I tell you duck yeah I later feel like shit because I was supposed to help you.

And I can’t

I can’t help you

Because I’m just like you

And I hate myself

Because I’m not good for you

[4amcutie]

I’m so mentally drained I just can’t anymore.

I can’t with all the hate and negativity in my head.

Turns out I was right and there was something wrong with me medically. The pain and irregularities of my period wasn’t normal.

Fuck you mom for never caring enough and taking me to the doctor. I had to wait 5 years and you wasn’t even the one that cared enough to make an appointment, my sister did.

Yeah I’m 19 now and I could’ve done it myself, but I’ve been asking you to take me ever since I’m 14 and that’s not on me. I hope you feel really shitty.

I hate you.

[4amcutie]

Thanks mom for making me hate one of the few foods that I actually liked. I now want to throw up when I try eating any canned food so yeah…

Every time I try to forgive and forget you for giving me an ed you come up with some $hit like this.

I fucking hate you mom. I’m 19, it’s been 6 years since my ed started and the only time I get better is when I don’t talk to you. Fuck you fr.

[4amcutie]

i’m doing so good *angrily rips the bong*

[4amcutie]

I’ve been eating so much lately I feel sick and disgusting.

I need to stop this right now thank goodness I’m gonna be alone for more than two weeks.

Believe me nothing other than water, tea and drugs are entering my body for those next two weeks.

[4amcutie]

Maybe I’m too fucked up to be loved

[4amcutie]

I know it's getting bad again when all I have the energy to do is get high and lay in bed pretending to be somewhere else