4n4q

[4n4q]

Okay so I tried purging and a little bit came out but I ate quite a while ago so I get that, I'll try again tomorrow I think. Any tips would be appreciated!!

[4n4q]

Hey yall I'm back again, I tried making a recovery tumblr but I started talking to a boy soo....

Also last Saturday I was super drunk and I felt like I needed to puke but I couldn't so I made myself puke really easily... soo maybe I actually can Purge?! I never thought I could. It felt really good too.

[4n4q]

This is sorta not Ed but also Ed related but I just needed to vent abt this.

So I'm at the psych ward and I get like special meals since I don't like a lot of food and Ed but today for lunch my special food was the same as the normal so I just took the normal one cuz why does it matter?? And then at dinner I was feeling like the normal food since I had meatballs and I basically eat meatballs once a day (the mashed potatoes are good here) so I just took the normal food. But then one of the staff started saying if I don't eat my food they will stop ordering it and I tried to tell her that I eat my food every day and it's just sometimes that I don't (it's like 99.999% of the time I eat my food) but she kept saying like no you don't, BUT I DO. so yeah now I feel disgusting for even eating and I hate myself even more. I was also literally told that if I sometimes wanted to eat something else that I could!?!?!? I just feel so fucking disgusting. I feel like she's in the wrong but I hate doing something wrong and I hate even more that it's about food bc now I feel greedy and just eww.

[4n4q]

I am so fucking annoyed bc I'm staying at like a temprary emergency psych ward kinda place (dont know how to describe it) and yeah i took an 0v3rd0se which included my meds for anxiety and sleeping but now they arent giving me anyrhing to sleep when last time i was here (same reason) they didnt give me anything and i stayed up hallucinating almost the whole night until they gave them to me at like 4am.. this time wasn't even as bad but there was more of my sleep p1lls than last time so I sorta get it but they won't even give me something else, idfk what to do now bc I barely slept last night and I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin, into a pit and then be alone for ever. That might sound dramatic but all the overstimulating from hospital with tubes everywhere and beeping and people then not sleeping on top of that I am just so exhausted but I also know it's gonna be so hard to sleep. Obviously taking more meds after an 0d isn't good but one more isn't gonna kill me but not being able too sleep sure feels like it will. I just want to be able to sleep and forget everything for a couple hours.

[4n4q]

Food log 13/4-25

Breakfast - nothing

Lunch - half barbells caramel crunch (100)

Dinner - barbells salty peanut (203)

Total: 303

Ive decided im gonna try posting food logs againn, its been sooo long haha. I did have some juice also but ive been in the hospital and really needed to drink so im just not counting it today, ik ik no excuses but im just too tired:)

Anyways barbells protein bars are my new obsession omg!!! New safe food unlocked frr!! Ive only tried the caramel crunch and salty peanut but they are soo good im just not sure what more to try so give me recs! Never been much of a protein person when it comes to wl but these r like eating a chocolate bar but low cal and it keeps you full!? I shouldve tried sooner i missed out haha

[4n4q]

Oh to be perceived as a boy

[4n4q]

Stick to your goal. Be consistent. Let yourself be sk!nny. Don’t let anyone convince you to e@t more than necessary. Make up lies. Say you already @te and you’re full. At the end of the day its your choice if you want to finally be sk!nny or remain f@t.

[4n4q]

I only love myself when I'm l0siñg w3ight

[4n4q]

alt masc th1nspø

if any of these r u and u feel uncomfortable pls lmk so I can take them down.

[4n4q]

My attempt didnt work so im back at square one. The psych wards are not helping clearly because i dont want help so i dont fucking know what they are gonna do, send me home? Put me in the ward again only to let me out later after nothing changed? This is so useless.

[4n4q]

all my medication is locked in a box so i looked up a video on how to open it and it seemed rlly easy. I asked my mom to go to the store for me so im hoping ill have enough time.. I just want this to work.

[4n4q]

I dont want to live like this, i dont want to live in any way im so done with all of this.

[4n4q]

Every time i eat and loose control i want to d1e and i hate myself so much that i pray that i will d1e in my sleep each night, when i st4rv3 and have control i can at least stand living. I dont know how much longer i can stand this but there is quite literally nothing i can do anymore. I just wish this would all end, im so fucking tired.

[4n4q]

new obsession, fanta zero lemon!!! it tastes like lemonade and its only 7 calories per can!:D

[4n4q]

came home from the psyche ward yeasterday, which sort of sucks cuz no one did anything if i didnt eat. But now im home atleast and im still not eating, abt 1 and a half day into a fast. Also im going to the store to buy zero calorie drinks late so ig its not too bad. I think i might be sent back soon tho if i dont eat but idrc. I hate how i have been at my hw ever, im literally disgusting. Im back at 44.8 now tho, still not great but im getting there. I miss when i was always under 40.

[4n4q]

Tumblr is onto you 😭😭😭 also hi

Oh God haha, and hi

[4n4q]

My new rules.

1. Never eat outside of meal times

2. Only eat: apple, cucumber, or steamed veggies.

3. Do not buy any food unless the allowed foods or zero calorie drinks.

4. Drink as much as you can.

5. Keep as busy as possible, avoid lying in bed on your phone.

6. At least 1 walk per day.

7. No watching mukbangs or looking at food on Pinterest.

8. Prepare all plates perfectly before eating.

9. Drink a glass of water before a meal, another during, and one after.