enslavedtoliberty

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a paradox

I haven't put much thought into this year's resolutions, admittedly. Last year was much the same, but at least I tried. It really was the year of biggest change. Ah, 2024, you were the best and worst in the strangest yet sweetest of ways. Life seems always to be a paradox, "...seemingly contradictory or opposed to common sense and yet perhaps true."

Perhaps I can sum up my hopes for this year into a few words, as it seems I've been at a loss with strings of words lately.

Intention

Purpose

Freedom

Service

I'll meet me here a year later, and find out how it went.

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Lists

"He has told you, O man, what is good;

and what does the Lord require of you

but to do justice, and to love kindness,

and to walk humbly with your God?"

When I think of lists, I think of to-do lists; my day to day being organized by a series of things I need to do in order to feel satisfied... productive. But the lists God finds of most importance are like those above. Follow these we're told, and all will be well on the day we meet our Creator. I'll keep trying to live by this one here, as Sproul says in his commentary, to live "a lifestyle that gives due acknowledgement to God in every aspect of conduct."

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via togamin211

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Perhaps we people will ever be strangers in part and puzzles to one another, always a little lonely. But you, Lord, have searched me and known me. You have searched and loved and saved me even in my ignorance. I was a nice person - but nice merely, kind only, and dying, till you died for me.

Walter Wangerin Jr.

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Piano Man

It felt like it was from a lifetime ago. Talking about the present, our true life concerns, just being kids at the same time, laughing. Sitting at the bar, leaning towards me, engaged in conversation like it wasn't three years since we'd last done this, in this way. I mean, time had passed and we'd grown up, relatively. Still, the night held a youthful charm. Time seemed to stop just for us, care free on the floor at the same bar we'd stumbled upon some years earlier, not a hint of self consciousness as we danced in a sea of people, all strangers - or perhaps, "Not strangers, just friends we hadn't met yet." I suppose that's how all friendships start, don't they? I really felt that, as we sat on the train home, my head tilted, eyes closed, resting on your shoulder. Your hand in my lap. It was my favourite part of the night; at rest with no immediate worries, leaning on each other, kindred spirits, life as we knew it at a stand still just for us. The Billy Joel song playing as I remembered you standing there grinning, the pianist painting his song as the background on the canvas of my mind. I looked up and caught you staring at us in the glass, and in that moment I knew we hadn't changed for you. You hugged me from behind as you walked me to my car, a second longer from the front as we said goodbye. It ended exactly where it should have. From my end, sweet nostalgia, and I hope from yours too.

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Before the face of God

I’ve been meaning to write on pride and humility, some insights really, into the fact that I have much of one and a false sense of the other.

I’ve been told that pride runs in my family, but don’t think I’ve ever seen myself as a proud person. In fact I’d like to think of myself as quite a humble person, or whatever the opposite of proud is. But that’s the thing, isn’t it - you aren’t a humble person if you think you are. I think there are moments where I am doing things without thinking of my own benefit, and perhaps that is true humility... but as of late I’ve noticed myself doing things for the purpose of gaining a good reputation, praise from others, approval, to be liked, and so on. I want to get back to the old me so bad, the one that didn’t care what others thought (in a good way). The me who’s confidence was not in others’ opinions; the me who found her worth as a daughter of the Most High.

I’m writing and thinking, wow. This turned into a much more introspective post than I imagined. It was actually inspired by an interaction with someone at church who worked at a school called Coram Deo, which is Latin for “before the face of God”. I remembered the phrase from R.C. Sproul’s Ligonier devotions, but had forgotten what it actually meant. When it came up in conversation, I reacted with familiarity but was unable to deliver when asked if I knew what it meant! A closer look into my heart revealed that I wanted to show I was knowledgeable, that I was someone of Godly character. How far I am from it!

I love that God uses moments like this to break my heart and reveal my sin in the most unexpected, small, yet impactful ways. Who am I before the face of God? He knows our every thought, and judges our every action. It is his approval I must crave and seek - then will I find my confidence and worth; in Him.

- 16.6.22

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Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads

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Velvet Canyon

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André Kertész, Woman Reading in the Fire Escape Window, Greenwich Village, New York, 1963

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Holy Saturday

You were there in the tomb today

whilst I was out in the streets roaming.

Not a word, not a breath, not a sound,

except the eerie silence that found You;

found me.

Even in your silence You find me -

then, now, tomorrow.

There will be an end to the waiting,

tomorrow.

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Sitting

I sometimes think of life as a road trip. 

You pack your bags with whatever you think you'll need (knowing me I always forget something, don't bring the right things, am never prepared), get in the car, and start driving. 

Depending on the day, you might know exactly where you want to go, so you drive straight there. 

Other times, you know where you want to go but don't know how to get there so you put in the location on your GPS and follow the directions. 

And other days, you don't know where you want to go - 

so you just get in the car and start driving and figure it out along the way. 

Not knowing is okay too, and I think its better than getting in the car and just sitting there not driving - although admittedly I sit in the car a lot and don't drive. 

I guess its unavoidable, but as you sit there you know that sooner or later you'll either drive or get out of the car. 

As to which one, maybe the sitting helps you decide.

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matteau