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Being an active participant in fandom requires a certain level of self-regulating in order to be a healthy activity. It requires the ability to say “Not for me,” or “Not today,” and walk away.

We can have conversations about patterns we see in fanworks. We can discuss how we portray characters and relationships, how to effectively convey what we want to in writing, how to sensitively approach representations of marginalized characters. But having those conversations productively requires that we approach each other in good faith, and it requires the ability to self-regulate–including recognizing that often there is no hard line, no black and white answer, and we won’t always come to the same conclusions.

It requires an understanding up front that eliminating all fanworks we don’t care for is not the end goal of these conversations.

I’ll give a personal example. There is a ship that deeply, viscerally upsets me in like 95% of its iterations. I can explain why I don’t like it if asked. I’ve written about why I don’t think it’s handled well in canon.

And if I wanted to–if I wanted to–I could make a very convincing-sounding argument for why that ship is objectively bad and wrong and no one should ship it. Not because that’s objectively right, mind you, but because I’m good at arguing. I could slap that together in like… ten minutes, probably.

I don’t do that. If I vent about it on my own blog, it’s as infrequently as I can manage, because I do my best to avoid the content that upsets me. I don’t seek it out to get riled up about it. I don’t seek out content that upsets me, read it in its entirety, and then leave angry comments and send my friends to harass the author. I don’t choose a high-profile writer for the content I don’t like and engage in a targeted campaign of harassment against them all while claiming to be addressing a general problem.

If you are deliberately seeking out content that you know will upset you and reading it anyway and then feeling that you need to take those bad feelings out on the creator, you are not taking care of yourself. You are not engaging in healthy behavior or productive coping mechanisms. You are not keeping yourself safe, and you are not helping to make fandom safer for others. You are not engaging in good faith.

If you find that you do this and you can’t seem to stop, you may need to take some kind of further steps up to and including taking a break from fandom. I’m serious. I’ve taken breaks myself for that exact reason. There’s no shame in it. 

Please monitor your own ability to self-regulate. Please actively evaluate whether or not you are engaging in healthy and productive behavior, for yourself and for others.

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59 pages?! Wow I’m astonished that you can write so much! I do not posses this talent and I look up to those who have it! I’m so glad you don’t feel rushed. That is the last thing I want to make writers feel. I just want them to know that I’m excited for what they are doing and I want to support. As a reader I prefer when writers have it all the way written so that it doesn’t go unfinished but this is a free gift to the public so I can not complain

Thank you for that view point, it is much appreciated. And thank you for reaching out. Comments that let us know you like our stuff and are happily wanting and waiting for more makes it easier to keep writing! At least for me.

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I check your blog every once in awhile to see if you have posted anything on It Evaded Me. I say this not to rush you but to let you know that I’m excited to see what you produce! Take your time but I’m so ready to read what you produce

Wow thank you so much! I don't feel rushed I feel honored! I have a bad habit of starting something and, if I'm posting it as I go,, getting half way and not finishing so I found it most successful to finish and just edit chapters as I post. So I'll give you an update! It's 59 pages in word (about 25,490 words) and I got to the very end of Infinity war and stalled in motivation. Started another to get flowing again and now am working on them both at the same time but I do work a full time so it can be hard to write. But I watched Infinity war today and it gave me so many ideas for both so! Hopefully soon!

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I have made a grave mistake... working on two loki fics and both will probably be rewites of Infinity war... and maybe Endgame. Whyyyyy do I hurt myself so?

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Guys this short series was so good and sweet. I love it!

The Raven Haired Rebel Masterlist

Series Summary: After invading New York, it was decided that, as a punishment, Loki would work for SHIELD. Yeah, right. After escaping from their custody and stranded on Midgard, the God of Mischief decides to prove he’s the one thing no one ever thought he was: the good guy. Now a vigilante, Loki attempts to make amends for his past wrongdoings while also evading the Avengers, including their newest member. You. Brought in specially for the case, you notice more and more details about the prince’s story don’t add up. When you get the chance to turn him in, will you listen to your employers or your heart that believes Loki’s done nothing wrong?

Prologue: In which Loki decides to forge his own path.

Chapter 1: In which you plead Loki’s case.

Chapter 2: In which Loki is almost caught.

Chapter 3: In which you and Loki meet again.

Chapter 4: In which Loki and you make a breakthrough.

Chapter 5: In which you enact your plan.

Epilogue: In which Loki enjoys his new life with you.

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when the story is just not working, but you keep writing anyway

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When you start a fic and don't intend for it to be an Infinity War / Endgame fix it but... Loki.

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So my "It Evaded Me" got a a lot of likes for me so I was thinking of turning it into a series and started working on an outline. The idea I have puts that one shot as a middle chapter though... thoughts?

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It Evaded Me

Here is a prompt I started awhile back and just found the motivation to start writing again.

I had an idea about possibly turning this into a multi chapter but let me know if you’d like to see that.

Shameless. He was absolutely shameless as he stood there and let a ruthless smile spread across his face, looking down at the team. Your team. His eyes sparkled with a madness you hadn’t seen in years as he look over all of you assembled standing before him.

Your heart was racing and eyes burning with unshed tears and the sting from the smoke in the air around you. There was ash and shoot in the air and you knew it smudged your face.

Madness crackled in his words “Is this all you’ve got? ‘Earth’s mightiest heroes’?”

“Loki! Enough!” Thor bellowed from beside you. “What are you doing, brother?”

“Ah, just what I do best. Betrayal is my calling card, is it not?” His eyes flashed over Tony at your side for a moment as he spoke before snapping back to his brother.

Swallowing and fighting back the ache in your chest you called out. “Loki, stop this. Please…”

If you didn’t know him so well you wouldn’t have seen the flash over his face at your words, though it was so fast even you couldn’t read it. “It’s too late for that, darling. Nothing personal.”

Thor sighed and cringed next to you but it barely registered as you shouted back. “Nothing personal? Nothing fucking PERSONAL?!” Magic snaped around your fingers as your hands balled into fists, one instinctively closing over the hilt of your sword.

Rolling his neck and one shoulder he shrugged. “It’s just business, Pet.”

The blood rushing in your ears drown out the shouts of you name mixed with a chorus of ‘no’s, ‘stop’s and ‘wait’s from the team around you. A shout ripped from your lips and you lunged forward, unsheathing the weapon at your side. Though they may have been trying to protest, you could make out your team leaping forward to follow your lead. Steve and Bucky soon made it level to your head start in the charge, you could feel Thor just behind you and hear as Tony took to the air on your other side. You couldn’t get a gage on the others but knew they would fall in line with the team.

Loki snickered and with a flick of his wrist called forward more enemy soldiers before fluidly moving down the steps himself. His movements where almost rhythmic as he moved directly at all of you, a staff materializing in one hand, short sword in the other, and his horned helmet upon his head.

You could hear the line of your team collide headfirst with enemies, battle sounds flaring up around you. In a move Loki himself had taught you, your forward attack turned into the momentum to slide under your opponent followed by a back stroke to the back of the soldier’s head with the hilt in you hand hard enough to knock them out. Turning quickly back to your now clear path to Loki, you could almost see pride shining under the crazed façade as he watched you, moving steadily in your direction.

He stopped a short distance from you, planting his feet in a wide stance to brace for your incoming assault. “Shall we dance, sweetheart?”

Your sword clashed into his as he blocked your swing. “Fuck you, Loki. I-”

His chuckle and counterattack threw you off, but you blocked in the nick of time and he nearly purred at you, “I believe you did just that. darling.”

The growl that ripped from your throat was almost feral and the hurt that flooded through you fueled your movements. You had trained with Loki frequently, you two often sparing with weapons and, as your magic developed, he had trained you to use your magic. The two of you were normally evenly matched and you knew the other’s style like the back of your hand, but you were gaining the upper hand in this moment.

“Y/n!” you heard Tony’s voice before the incoming blast from his suit. The blast hit between you and Loki and it sent you both reeling apart. Tony rarely missed when he was this close. If you didn’t know any better, you would have said the blast was targeted to break the two of you apart.

Using your legs to swing for momentum you flip yourself back to standing, facing Loki as he regains his bearings as well. You move fast, trying to get to him before he is totally oriented, but your attack is met with an easy parry.

Swinging again you end up in another deadlock, Loki’s face inches from yours, his blue eyes burning into yours. “After everything Loki, after you promised… You couldn’t give me any hint that this was where your mind was venturing? You promised you’d let me know so I could help before it got to this…”

His eyes flash and face fell a bit before he responds through clenched teeth, “Sorry, Love. It evaded me…”

Pushing him back a step to unlock your weapons you let your arms fall to your sides. “Please, Loki, stop this. If you stop this now maybe…” You couldn’t stop the tears from slipping from your eyes, slowly down your cheeks, “We can fix it. I’ll help you, just please stop this.”

His staff vanished from his hand and he lowered the sword in the other one as he stepped closer. “I-” his eyes roamed your face for a moment before he sighed. “I can’t, love.”

You had let him get too close and as his hand came shooting up you braced for an attack, trying to move to block it. His hand grasping the collar of your uniform surprised you and you looked up into his eyes again. “I can’t.” He breathed before he tugged you forward, and his lips crashed into yours.

It was familiar but so different. Over the course of your relationship with the God of Mischief you had shared many different types of kisses with him from heated and fast to slow and comforting. But this was desperate and pleading, as if he were trying to make you understand.

Then you felt it, the familiar brush of Loki’s mind and consciousness against yours. Both he and Wanda had worked with all of the team to learn to guard your minds against intruders. None of you had been practicing long and the training had proven futile less than an hour previously, so you were surprised. You knew Loki could force his way in like the others had, but this brush was tentative, asking permission for access. Instinctively you let down your wall to him but slammed the wall back up to prevent full access. He could speak to you, hear you respond, but his access to more than that was restricted unless he forced it.

He was in your mind as his lips moved urgently against yours. Talk to Stark. Force him to explain if you must. He has answers.

Loki? You responded back softly, another tear slipping out and down into your kiss.

Please, talk to Stark. His lips broke from yours and he pressed his forehead against yours, both of you with your eyes closed still. I love you, Y/n.

Loki… Your thoughts were laced with heartbreak as you spoke directly to his mind but before you could go on, he softly pulled his mind from yours. You could feel his hesitation before he blocked you from chasing him into his own mind, his walls more solid and unyielding than yours had ever been.

“Get ready to block, darling.” He whispered softly as your eyes opened back up to look into his.

Looking up this closely at him his eyes were clear, and you were looking into the eyes of the man you loved. It made your chest ache more. He gave you a sad smile before you watched the madness seep back in and cover him like a mask, his smile growing more sinister.

The normal volume to his voice almost made you jump compared to the intimacy previously. “For old times sake, sweetheart. But you will fail.” Suddenly he used the hand still clutching your collar to push you back before slowly raising his sword to point it at your chest and taking a fighting stance. “You will all fail.”

His slow movements had allowed you, though confused and conflicted, to ready yourself for his incoming assault. Again, your blades met, and it was back to the familiar dance of advance and retreat.

You found yourself in another stalemate, blades locked and face to face. At some point he had resummoned his staff, which he currently held behind him for balance. Mind racing you reached out with your magic, triggering his reflex to bring the staff forward in a way that let you slam your free hand down on his wrist before moving around to catch the staff as he released it.

Shock shown on his face as you swiped one of his legs out from under him with his staff, sending his staggering backwards and the onto his ass.

Looking up at you he cackled, “Impressive, but not enough.” His magic sparked through the air around you and suddenly he was on his feet again.

You raise the staff to throw, aiming for his legs so as not to harm him but bring him down. As you let it go, flying true, you are surprised when metal clangs and Steve’s shield crashes into the staff, knocking them both away from Loki.

Your eyes snap to Steve as he lands next to you, having jumped from somewhere nearby. “Damn, sorry Y/n. Bad timing with that throw.” He darts forward to grab his shield before you can respond, and you see something slip from his hand before ducking. He follows the movement by picking up his shield and the staff before dodging another swing from Loki.

Shaking your head, you cannot believe what you are seeing. Laying at Loki’s feet is the orb you know is one of the exact items you are trying to keep out of the hands of these enemies. Steve lands a punch to Loki’s face before Loki knocks him back, Steve falling at your feet.

You know you should go to the orb, but you instinctively crouch next to Steve. Loki is already scooping up the orb as you hold out your hand to Steve, pulling him until he is sitting up.

“Thank you for this, Captain. Now we can be done here.” Loki winks at the two of you before waving a hand and vanishing, followed shortly by the surrounding enemy soldiers.

You sigh and survey the damage around you, surprised at how minimal it is, all the focus must have been on your team. Still crouched next to Steve you look up and watch Tony descend and land in front of you as the rest of the team make their way to you.

“You alright, Cap?” Tony asks as his helmet pulls back.

Steve stood slowly, taking you by the hand so you stood with him. “Yeah. I’m fine. What about the others?”

“All good, Captain.” Peter replies as he lands beside you.

Looking around you took stalk. Nat is limping but standing, Scott and Thor look a little roughed up but alright, and Bucky was running a hand through his hair but fine. Your team looked fine and you wondered how the others were doing uptown.

“Did he get it?” Tony asks, looking directly at Steve.

“Yeah, he did.” Steve doesn’t sound like you’d expect, there is no disappointment in his tone.

“Good.” You whirl on Tony as the word comes out of his mouth.

“What?!” It sounds like a hiss through your teeth.

Peter bounces from foot to foot before speaking up. “Uh, Mr. Stark, but I thought the whole point was to keep the death orb away from you know… dangerous… um…” He glances at you before going on, “the bad guys?”

“Never mind kid. We should get back to the compound and discuss-”

“No!” You shout at him, tears in your eyes again. “Tony Stark you tell me what is going on NOW!”

Tony sighs and glances around. “This isn’t the time, Y/n.”

Your hands crackle with magic as you stalk forward and push him squarely on the chest. “He said… you’d have answers?! What the fuck is going on?!”

You felt a hand on your arm and looked up into Steve’s face, his helmet now removed too. “Not here, Y/n.”

Begrudgingly, you nod to Steve but turn back to Tony. “This isn’t over.”

The ride back with Steve on his motorcycle is quite as you think, confused and hurt. Steve has always been one of your closest friends on the team so, though you are mad at him for having some part in this, you spend the ride back with your cheek pressed against his back for comfort. When he pulls up to the compound and parks the bike, you don’t get off at first and leave your arms around Steve’s middle.

“Hey, Doll. Talk to me.”

“I don’t want to.” You say, muffled into his back, as you tighten your hug. “It hurts.”

Sighing he puts a hand on yours on his chest. “We need to go talk to Tony. This… we new this was gonna hurt. Know I’m sorry it had to be like this.”

“Steve, tell me what’s happening…”

He breaks your hold to get off the bike before helping you up and wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “We need to brief the team.”

“I’m not just the team to him, Steve. At least I didn’t think…”

“You’re not, Y/n. You know that. This plan… It was Tony and Loki’s idea. Tony needs to explain.” He starts guiding you inside.

You are the last to get there, making you think Steve may have taken a bit of a longer route home to give you time to process. You hadn’t even noticed to be honest. Hugging him once more you separate yourself from Steve and he lets you move further into the room.

“Tony?” Your voice is softer than you meant, and he looks up to meet your eyes.

“Y/n. I’m sorry.” Tony was moving towards you as he spoke and stopped in front of you. “This was sort of a need-to-know plan and yo-”

The sound of your hand meeting his cheek echoes through the room that has gone totally silent. You can feel the eyes of everyone on you, but you stand tall. “And I didn’t need to know? Like hell I didn’t! Loki is-” Your voice cracks and you go to swing at Tony again, but he catches your wrist.

“I know. Trust me, I know. It wasn’t that you didn’t need to know. You couldn’t know.” Tony lowered your hand but still held it in his. “That was actually Loki’s stipulation. He knew they would try to go straight for you, into your mind, to check his loyalty to them. If you knew, it could have given him away. And he was right.”

You shudder, remembering the intrusion into your mind as you first stood against the alien army. It had taken longer than they thought thanks to Loki and Wanda’s training, but they had got in none the less. They hadn’t even tried to touch the others minds.

Shaking your head, you take it in. “He doubted me?”

“No.” Tony takes a few steps back to lean against the couch in the common room as he speaks. “But he knew they would throw everything they had at you because of how close to him you were. He blamed himself for not preparing you enough.”

“So he-” You shake your head yet again to keep your voice from breaking, “He’s what then? Undercover or something?”

With a sad smile Tony nods. “We needed an inside man. Desperately. Loki volunteered when I suggested we get one.” He ran his hand through his hair before going on. “We had to give them a reason to trust him. That was what today was about. Minimal destruction but make it look like we failed and Loki could deliver.”

“For how long?” You ask gently.

Tony seems confused, as if that wasn’t the question he was expecting. “What?”

“How long will he be… undercover?”

Steve is behind you and pulls you back to rest against his chest. “We don’t know, Y/n. However long it takes.”

You can’t stop the tears as your heart breaks all over again.

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It Evaded Me

Here is a prompt I started awhile back and just found the motivation to start writing again.

I had an idea about possibly turning this into a multi chapter but let me know if you’d like to see that.

Shameless. He was absolutely shameless as he stood there and let a ruthless smile spread across his face, looking down at the team. Your team. His eyes sparkled with a madness you hadn’t seen in years as he look over all of you assembled standing before him.

Your heart was racing and eyes burning with unshed tears and the sting from the smoke in the air around you. There was ash and shoot in the air and you knew it smudged your face.

Madness crackled in his words “Is this all you’ve got? ‘Earth’s mightiest heroes’?”

“Loki! Enough!” Thor bellowed from beside you. “What are you doing, brother?”

“Ah, just what I do best. Betrayal is my calling card, is it not?” His eyes flashed over Tony at your side for a moment as he spoke before snapping back to his brother.

Swallowing and fighting back the ache in your chest you called out. “Loki, stop this. Please…”

If you didn’t know him so well you wouldn’t have seen the flash over his face at your words, though it was so fast even you couldn’t read it. “It’s too late for that, darling. Nothing personal.”

Thor sighed and cringed next to you but it barely registered as you shouted back. “Nothing personal? Nothing fucking PERSONAL?!” Magic snaped around your fingers as your hands balled into fists, one instinctively closing over the hilt of your sword.

Rolling his neck and one shoulder he shrugged. “It’s just business, Pet.”

The blood rushing in your ears drown out the shouts of you name mixed with a chorus of ‘no’s, ‘stop’s and ‘wait’s from the team around you. A shout ripped from your lips and you lunged forward, unsheathing the weapon at your side. Though they may have been trying to protest, you could make out your team leaping forward to follow your lead. Steve and Bucky soon made it level to your head start in the charge, you could feel Thor just behind you and hear as Tony took to the air on your other side. You couldn’t get a gage on the others but knew they would fall in line with the team.

Loki snickered and with a flick of his wrist called forward more enemy soldiers before fluidly moving down the steps himself. His movements where almost rhythmic as he moved directly at all of you, a staff materializing in one hand, short sword in the other, and his horned helmet upon his head.

You could hear the line of your team collide headfirst with enemies, battle sounds flaring up around you. In a move Loki himself had taught you, your forward attack turned into the momentum to slide under your opponent followed by a back stroke to the back of the soldier’s head with the hilt in you hand hard enough to knock them out. Turning quickly back to your now clear path to Loki, you could almost see pride shining under the crazed façade as he watched you, moving steadily in your direction.

He stopped a short distance from you, planting his feet in a wide stance to brace for your incoming assault. “Shall we dance, sweetheart?”

Your sword clashed into his as he blocked your swing. “Fuck you, Loki. I-”

His chuckle and counterattack threw you off, but you blocked in the nick of time and he nearly purred at you, “I believe you did just that. darling.”

The growl that ripped from your throat was almost feral and the hurt that flooded through you fueled your movements. You had trained with Loki frequently, you two often sparing with weapons and, as your magic developed, he had trained you to use your magic. The two of you were normally evenly matched and you knew the other’s style like the back of your hand, but you were gaining the upper hand in this moment.

“Y/n!” you heard Tony’s voice before the incoming blast from his suit. The blast hit between you and Loki and it sent you both reeling apart. Tony rarely missed when he was this close. If you didn’t know any better, you would have said the blast was targeted to break the two of you apart.

Using your legs to swing for momentum you flip yourself back to standing, facing Loki as he regains his bearings as well. You move fast, trying to get to him before he is totally oriented, but your attack is met with an easy parry.

Swinging again you end up in another deadlock, Loki’s face inches from yours, his blue eyes burning into yours. “After everything Loki, after you promised… You couldn’t give me any hint that this was where your mind was venturing? You promised you’d let me know so I could help before it got to this…”

His eyes flash and face fell a bit before he responds through clenched teeth, “Sorry, Love. It evaded me…”

Pushing him back a step to unlock your weapons you let your arms fall to your sides. “Please, Loki, stop this. If you stop this now maybe…” You couldn’t stop the tears from slipping from your eyes, slowly down your cheeks, “We can fix it. I’ll help you, just please stop this.”

His staff vanished from his hand and he lowered the sword in the other one as he stepped closer. “I-” his eyes roamed your face for a moment before he sighed. “I can’t, love.”

You had let him get too close and as his hand came shooting up you braced for an attack, trying to move to block it. His hand grasping the collar of your uniform surprised you and you looked up into his eyes again. “I can’t.” He breathed before he tugged you forward, and his lips crashed into yours.

It was familiar but so different. Over the course of your relationship with the God of Mischief you had shared many different types of kisses with him from heated and fast to slow and comforting. But this was desperate and pleading, as if he were trying to make you understand.

Then you felt it, the familiar brush of Loki’s mind and consciousness against yours. Both he and Wanda had worked with all of the team to learn to guard your minds against intruders. None of you had been practicing long and the training had proven futile less than an hour previously, so you were surprised. You knew Loki could force his way in like the others had, but this brush was tentative, asking permission for access. Instinctively you let down your wall to him but slammed the wall back up to prevent full access. He could speak to you, hear you respond, but his access to more than that was restricted unless he forced it.

He was in your mind as his lips moved urgently against yours. Talk to Stark. Force him to explain if you must. He has answers.

Loki? You responded back softly, another tear slipping out and down into your kiss.

Please, talk to Stark. His lips broke from yours and he pressed his forehead against yours, both of you with your eyes closed still. I love you, Y/n.

Loki… Your thoughts were laced with heartbreak as you spoke directly to his mind but before you could go on, he softly pulled his mind from yours. You could feel his hesitation before he blocked you from chasing him into his own mind, his walls more solid and unyielding than yours had ever been.

“Get ready to block, darling.” He whispered softly as your eyes opened back up to look into his.

Looking up this closely at him his eyes were clear, and you were looking into the eyes of the man you loved. It made your chest ache more. He gave you a sad smile before you watched the madness seep back in and cover him like a mask, his smile growing more sinister.

The normal volume to his voice almost made you jump compared to the intimacy previously. “For old times sake, sweetheart. But you will fail.” Suddenly he used the hand still clutching your collar to push you back before slowly raising his sword to point it at your chest and taking a fighting stance. “You will all fail.”

His slow movements had allowed you, though confused and conflicted, to ready yourself for his incoming assault. Again, your blades met, and it was back to the familiar dance of advance and retreat.

You found yourself in another stalemate, blades locked and face to face. At some point he had resummoned his staff, which he currently held behind him for balance. Mind racing you reached out with your magic, triggering his reflex to bring the staff forward in a way that let you slam your free hand down on his wrist before moving around to catch the staff as he released it.

Shock shown on his face as you swiped one of his legs out from under him with his staff, sending his staggering backwards and the onto his ass.

Looking up at you he cackled, “Impressive, but not enough.” His magic sparked through the air around you and suddenly he was on his feet again.

You raise the staff to throw, aiming for his legs so as not to harm him but bring him down. As you let it go, flying true, you are surprised when metal clangs and Steve’s shield crashes into the staff, knocking them both away from Loki.

Your eyes snap to Steve as he lands next to you, having jumped from somewhere nearby. “Damn, sorry Y/n. Bad timing with that throw.” He darts forward to grab his shield before you can respond, and you see something slip from his hand before ducking. He follows the movement by picking up his shield and the staff before dodging another swing from Loki.

Shaking your head, you cannot believe what you are seeing. Laying at Loki’s feet is the orb you know is one of the exact items you are trying to keep out of the hands of these enemies. Steve lands a punch to Loki’s face before Loki knocks him back, Steve falling at your feet.

You know you should go to the orb, but you instinctively crouch next to Steve. Loki is already scooping up the orb as you hold out your hand to Steve, pulling him until he is sitting up.

“Thank you for this, Captain. Now we can be done here.” Loki winks at the two of you before waving a hand and vanishing, followed shortly by the surrounding enemy soldiers.

You sigh and survey the damage around you, surprised at how minimal it is, all the focus must have been on your team. Still crouched next to Steve you look up and watch Tony descend and land in front of you as the rest of the team make their way to you.

“You alright, Cap?” Tony asks as his helmet pulls back.

Steve stood slowly, taking you by the hand so you stood with him. “Yeah. I’m fine. What about the others?”

“All good, Captain.” Peter replies as he lands beside you.

Looking around you took stalk. Nat is limping but standing, Scott and Thor look a little roughed up but alright, and Bucky was running a hand through his hair but fine. Your team looked fine and you wondered how the others were doing uptown.

“Did he get it?” Tony asks, looking directly at Steve.

“Yeah, he did.” Steve doesn’t sound like you’d expect, there is no disappointment in his tone.

“Good.” You whirl on Tony as the word comes out of his mouth.

“What?!” It sounds like a hiss through your teeth.

Peter bounces from foot to foot before speaking up. “Uh, Mr. Stark, but I thought the whole point was to keep the death orb away from you know… dangerous… um…” He glances at you before going on, “the bad guys?”

“Never mind kid. We should get back to the compound and discuss-”

“No!” You shout at him, tears in your eyes again. “Tony Stark you tell me what is going on NOW!”

Tony sighs and glances around. “This isn’t the time, Y/n.”

Your hands crackle with magic as you stalk forward and push him squarely on the chest. “He said… you’d have answers?! What the fuck is going on?!”

You felt a hand on your arm and looked up into Steve’s face, his helmet now removed too. “Not here, Y/n.”

Begrudgingly, you nod to Steve but turn back to Tony. “This isn’t over.”

The ride back with Steve on his motorcycle is quite as you think, confused and hurt. Steve has always been one of your closest friends on the team so, though you are mad at him for having some part in this, you spend the ride back with your cheek pressed against his back for comfort. When he pulls up to the compound and parks the bike, you don’t get off at first and leave your arms around Steve’s middle.

“Hey, Doll. Talk to me.”

“I don’t want to.” You say, muffled into his back, as you tighten your hug. “It hurts.”

Sighing he puts a hand on yours on his chest. “We need to go talk to Tony. This… we new this was gonna hurt. Know I’m sorry it had to be like this.”

“Steve, tell me what’s happening…”

He breaks your hold to get off the bike before helping you up and wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “We need to brief the team.”

“I’m not just the team to him, Steve. At least I didn’t think…”

“You’re not, Y/n. You know that. This plan… It was Tony and Loki’s idea. Tony needs to explain.” He starts guiding you inside.

You are the last to get there, making you think Steve may have taken a bit of a longer route home to give you time to process. You hadn’t even noticed to be honest. Hugging him once more you separate yourself from Steve and he lets you move further into the room.

“Tony?” Your voice is softer than you meant, and he looks up to meet your eyes.

“Y/n. I’m sorry.” Tony was moving towards you as he spoke and stopped in front of you. “This was sort of a need-to-know plan and yo-”

The sound of your hand meeting his cheek echoes through the room that has gone totally silent. You can feel the eyes of everyone on you, but you stand tall. “And I didn’t need to know? Like hell I didn’t! Loki is-” Your voice cracks and you go to swing at Tony again, but he catches your wrist.

“I know. Trust me, I know. It wasn’t that you didn’t need to know. You couldn’t know.” Tony lowered your hand but still held it in his. “That was actually Loki’s stipulation. He knew they would try to go straight for you, into your mind, to check his loyalty to them. If you knew, it could have given him away. And he was right.”

You shudder, remembering the intrusion into your mind as you first stood against the alien army. It had taken longer than they thought thanks to Loki and Wanda’s training, but they had got in none the less. They hadn’t even tried to touch the others minds.

Shaking your head, you take it in. “He doubted me?”

“No.” Tony takes a few steps back to lean against the couch in the common room as he speaks. “But he knew they would throw everything they had at you because of how close to him you were. He blamed himself for not preparing you enough.”

“So he-” You shake your head yet again to keep your voice from breaking, “He’s what then? Undercover or something?”

With a sad smile Tony nods. “We needed an inside man. Desperately. Loki volunteered when I suggested we get one.” He ran his hand through his hair before going on. “We had to give them a reason to trust him. That was what today was about. Minimal destruction but make it look like we failed and Loki could deliver.”

“For how long?” You ask gently.

Tony seems confused, as if that wasn’t the question he was expecting. “What?”

“How long will he be… undercover?”

Steve is behind you and pulls you back to rest against his chest. “We don’t know, Y/n. However long it takes.”

You can’t stop the tears as your heart breaks all over again.

[a-heart-inscribed]

Champ

Your left cheek was throbbing and you felt as if the black eye you knew you’d have was already starting to form. Just add that to the list of aching shoulder, tender hip, a feeling of fire in your left knee, and jus overall full body fatigue. You were a wreck. And you didn’t think you could keep this up much longer.

As you rounded a corner towards the ongoing conflict you sighed and resigned yourself to the possibility of not making it out of this. As long as your presence gave the others even the slightest edge by claiming some of the enemies for yourself.

All of the training you had been doing recently with Bucky snapped back to the forefront as an adversary approached. How to hold your body, your hands, how to favor your injuries without giving them away all came rushing back.

“Alright, Champ. Let’s keep this up. Try a jab hook combo and follow it into the opening with an elbow.” Bucky coached from beside you.

Your eyes left those Steve who was in sparing position across from you and came out of your stance slightly to look at Bucky and huffed. “If he knows my next move, won’t he be able to block it? That’s why you had me start sparing with him right? Correct my form in real hand to hand?” He rose and eyebrow and shrugged, Steve grinning at you too. “See! I’ll never get an opening or an edge on Steve if he knows.”

“I think that’s the point.” Steve offered softly, not unkindly.

Bucky nodded. “First, it will build your endurance. Second, you need to learn how to come back from it when your enemy does predict your moves. Keep going.”

You sigh and fall back into your stance. “This is impossible.”

“Hey now. The fact that you can even keep up with Steve or me is a big deal. Come on, Champ. Keep it up.”

Endurance. Endurance and perseverance. That’s what Bucky had been building that day, that month, and was exactly what you needed now. So, you tapped into that reserve he had steadily built as another enemy soldier stepped into the place of the one you had just knocked out. After he went down you looked around. No, this wouldn’t end well for you.

But you had to see Bucky one more time, so you pushed on. Countless more injuries and downed opponents later, you find yourself on the edge of a cleared area, spying the team gathered inside planning. Before you can make your way to them you find yourself engaged hand to hand with three more soldiers.

They just kept coming, and you were no super soldier. In your peripheral vison you could see the team as they sprang, clearing away droves of enemies and whipping out the primary sources of their power. Which was a good thing for the city though it didn’t make a difference as the three men around you closed in tight.

A clean hick to the back of your injured knee had you down on said knee in a moment. You landed an elbow in a sensitive area to the opponent behind you, bringing them to the ground with you. When you were yanked back a bit by your hair and found yourself looking up at your other opponent’s grin, your heart fluttered and stomach turned. This was it, all you had left.

But as a foot collided with your ribs the hand it your hair slackened then disappeared. The man in front of you grunted and you heard the familiar sounds of a fist fight as you tried to catch your breath and clear the black from your vision. As the fighting around you quieted and you managed to look up you found just the person you were looking for.

Bucky stood looking down at you, a small smile on his face. “Hey, Champ. Need a hand?”

You nodded as he helped pull you to your feet and supported you as your vision swam. “Thanks, Buck. I didn’t think I was making it out of that one. Sorry I’m keeping you from helping.”

Bucky sighed and tucked you under an arm against him, slowly leading you towards the field med bay Dr. Strange had set up. “The fight is basically over. We didn’t take hits from this side like we expected so that freed us up to take care of a lot more. When I realized why… I came to help.”

“Sorry I couldn’t do more.”

“Are you kidding?” Bucky stops you both and moves to look at you. “You did amazing! Do you even know how many you took out? And how much help that was?”

He reads the doubt in your eyes before he shakes his head. “I found the next thing we need to work on, Champ. Your confidence.”

Slowly as if not to frighten you, Bucky leans in and places a soft kiss to the corner of your mouth, to slow and gentle to be chase but reserved enough to not scare you off.

“You did good today, Champ. You belong here, with the team. With me.”

His eyes are warm and inviting, albeit a little nervousness can be found there as he again starts to lead you to a medic.

“Buck?”

He pauses again to look down at you, more nervous than before.

“Thank you. For believing in me.” You weave your hand into his and the nervousness vanishes.

“No problem, Champ.”

[a-heart-inscribed]

Wind

Wind. The God forsaken flipping wind kept hitting you in small bursts as you walked the city streets, tousling your clothes and flinging you hair into your face. New York had been your home for years so you would have thought you’d be used to it, but you still swore under your breath as it gusted again. This crisp day in late fall was no different but the chill of this wind held the promise of winter coming.

Maybe it wouldn’t have been an such an issue if it wasn’t today of all days. The weather yesterday, when you had proposed your current outing, the weather had been perfect. Now as you tugged your jacket a little tighter around you and you fought to keep the chill from seeping into your bones, you couldn’t help but second guess yourself.

The steady, familiar footsteps right behind you didn’t help and your stomach fluttered a bit as you picked up the pace to near your next destination.

“Are we in such a rush, little one? I thought the point of today was to help me enjoy this Midgardian city. To ‘see the sites’ as it were.” The humor in his lithe sent a tingle up your spine and you could hear the grin on his face.

Turning your head to look back over your shoulder you took in the sharp suit, dress jacket, neat scarf, and pristine hairstyle of your companion. Not a thing out of place. That tingle up your spine quickly turned into bristling as you grumbled your annoyance under your breath.

Out loud you said, “Well, yes and Lo-” but you were caught off guard by the wind picking up and you ending up with a mouth full of hair instead of words.

There was a dark chuckle as you sputtered and spat hair out. “Alright, let’s keep moving then.” His words are almost a purr.

You blush before continuing on, fidget with your clothes and trying to tidy your hair. You’d been trying to get over all the crush on the man now rambling along with you, through your city, for a couple months now. This was clearly a very poor idea to assist in that regard.

Several quite minutes later you were stepping into one of your favorite local joints. The bookstore and café had a quaint second floor area with a stunning view of central park this time of year. You try not to let out the sigh of relief that rolls up in you at the reprieve from the wind as you step inside. The smirk you receive as you make toward the stair lets you know you were unsuccessful.

“You know, if you wanted to get out of the wind so badly you could have said something.” You roll your eyes at him as you climb the stairs, but when you stop just past the top, you felt him move in close behind you. “I mean, you know I didn’t mind. It seemed you were a bit put off by the assumed unkemptness it caused but honestly, darling,” He had moved the two of you slowly away from the stairs, closer to the window, and as he stopped he spun you slowly to face him, “it didn’t lessen your appeal.”

You swallowed weakly, “Loki?”

There was a flicker of something in his eyes at the sound of his name on your lips and one of his arms slipped around you, his hand finding the small of your back. He looked to your lips and leaned in but paused a few inches from you with a mischievous smile creeping across his lips. A second later you felt the thrum of his magic pulse before a soft contained wind snapped at you, tossing your coat around your thighs and flicking hair back into your face.

“Loki Odinson!” You growled.

His dark chuckle filled the wind around you before the wind died as you felt the fingers on his free hand against your skin, brushing the hair out of your eyes. “Ah yes, see. That’s the spirit.”

You meant to respond, frustration bubbling in your chest, but then his lips were on yours and his fingers were tangled in your hair. You growled again, into his mouth, but deepened the kiss, your own hands going to his hair. His responding chuckle rumbled through your body as he was pressed to you still, lips a tangle with yours.

Oh, Gods above, this. This was surely worth a little wind.

[a-heart-inscribed]

Day Eleven and a Heartbeat

Everything was wrong. So, so wrong. It was supposed to be a simple mission for Natasha, Steve, Wanda, and you, the newest Avenger. One day in, one to two on the ground, one day out. Four days tops.

Today was day eleven. Day eleven.

You hadn’t seen the others since day three when extraction had gone wrong. You didn’t want to think about the jet coming down out of the sky, flames erupting through the forest, and sleeper agents swarming your small group. Wanda and Natasha had stuck together, back to back, fighting them off. You and Steven, however, had been separated right away.

The two other women had taken care of the unit around them and bolted for safety at Steve’s order for the rest of you to run. It had taken you longer to give up trying to get back to him. You had been partnered up, one tactical fighter and one magician, and you were his magic wielder. You fought hard to get to him, but they kept coming and when he met your eyes and saw you wouldn’t leave him, he acted. Steve had paused for a moment and you could swear you saw him sigh before her turned for himself and ran the opposite direction of you, taking the majority of the enemies remaining with him.

The majority, but not all. The few left to you surrounded you. It appeared they had assigned number of soldiers to each of you based on perceived threat and as you were the newest and most unknown, you had gotten the smallest unit. They had underestimated you. Big mistake.

It had taken you a bit to dispatch them all and a bit longer to calm your breathing and gather your wits. When you finally did, you were utterly alone as snow drifted down around you in the wood, covering all traces of the others moving out. You had tried to track the girls but failed and doubled back to try and track Steve. That had gone better but after a while signs of battle stopped and the steady snow eliminated the other signs before too long.

The snow had been a bit of a nuisance and blessing. Your magic helped you stay warm, you built little fires and such and melted snow into water. Food was an issue. It was day eleven and you hadn’t eaten since day three. You could go for around thirteen more days, but hunger would make it hard to do magic in around three more.

Not knowing what was out here in the forest, you opted to keep moving. You would have stayed put if your Stark tracer and com where still working but they had been damaged in the battle and snow. So, you worked your way in the direction Steve had headed, a little at a time. You were about to break to make a fire and make some water when you risked the energy use and sent out another pulse of magic to scan the area for safety. What came back made you freeze to consider. About 2500 feet ahead and to the left was a soft heat signature, unmoving, low to the ground, and not nearly as hot as the two heat signatures about 1000 yards out from that moving towards it.

Calculating was eating up valuable time. Those had to be humans moving through the woods, but what were they headed to? Maybe hunters had killed a game animal and you could beg for some scraps. Or maybe…

As soon as his name crossed your mind you were on the move. Thankful for Bucky’s training and your magic mixing together, you crossed the half mile faster than normal humans could manage. You approached and slowed to scan the area, without magic this time to save your energy, and then saw it. The lump in two days’ worth of snow fall. And sticking out of it was a familiar shield. Steve.

You make it to him as two people break the tree line and sneer at you. “So, we caught the little flame and found the body of the Captain. Wont the others be pleased.”

Body. The body. It’s then you notice the blood stains in the snow you disrupted around him. But her gave off a heat signature still. He couldn’t be… not dead. No.

The two men circled you and you felt yourself getting dizzy from the energy use of getting here so fast. They attack when they notice, trying to keep you from getting your bearings. It’s a hard fight, much harder than two opponents should be, as your magic sputters, doesn’t respond the way you are used to, and ultimately fails. You result to pulling Steve’s shield from him, as you had kept your position between the two of them and Steve. The training you’d had with the teamwork and finally you are on your knees next to Steve, the two of them unconscious behind you.

You find Steve’s com and tracker in the front of his uniform and page for help as your vision starts to go black around the edges. Slowly you lay your head to his chest. If your going to pass out at least it’s here with him.

At once you hear several things. The hum of a quinjet pulses through the air, as if they had been searching and finally had a beacon to home in on. Then there is a whoosh that sounds like the iron man suit in the distance and yelling of yours and Steve’s names. Your team.

Then you hear the best thing of all. A heartbeat. Steve’s heartbeat. It’s steady and strong under your ear and the relief that flood through you welcomes the blackness of unconsciousness.

[a-heart-inscribed]

Day Eleven and a Heartbeat

Everything was wrong. So, so wrong. It was supposed to be a simple mission for Natasha, Steve, Wanda, and you, the newest Avenger. One day in, one to two on the ground, one day out. Four days tops.

Today was day eleven. Day eleven.

You hadn’t seen the others since day three when extraction had gone wrong. You didn’t want to think about the jet coming down out of the sky, flames erupting through the forest, and sleeper agents swarming your small group. Wanda and Natasha had stuck together, back to back, fighting them off. You and Steven, however, had been separated right away.

The two other women had taken care of the unit around them and bolted for safety at Steve’s order for the rest of you to run. It had taken you longer to give up trying to get back to him. You had been partnered up, one tactical fighter and one magician, and you were his magic wielder. You fought hard to get to him, but they kept coming and when he met your eyes and saw you wouldn’t leave him, he acted. Steve had paused for a moment and you could swear you saw him sigh before her turned for himself and ran the opposite direction of you, taking the majority of the enemies remaining with him.

The majority, but not all. The few left to you surrounded you. It appeared they had assigned number of soldiers to each of you based on perceived threat and as you were the newest and most unknown, you had gotten the smallest unit. They had underestimated you. Big mistake.

It had taken you a bit to dispatch them all and a bit longer to calm your breathing and gather your wits. When you finally did, you were utterly alone as snow drifted down around you in the wood, covering all traces of the others moving out. You had tried to track the girls but failed and doubled back to try and track Steve. That had gone better but after a while signs of battle stopped and the steady snow eliminated the other signs before too long.

The snow had been a bit of a nuisance and blessing. Your magic helped you stay warm, you built little fires and such and melted snow into water. Food was an issue. It was day eleven and you hadn’t eaten since day three. You could go for around thirteen more days, but hunger would make it hard to do magic in around three more.

Not knowing what was out here in the forest, you opted to keep moving. You would have stayed put if your Stark tracer and com where still working but they had been damaged in the battle and snow. So, you worked your way in the direction Steve had headed, a little at a time. You were about to break to make a fire and make some water when you risked the energy use and sent out another pulse of magic to scan the area for safety. What came back made you freeze to consider. About 2500 feet ahead and to the left was a soft heat signature, unmoving, low to the ground, and not nearly as hot as the two heat signatures about 1000 yards out from that moving towards it.

Calculating was eating up valuable time. Those had to be humans moving through the woods, but what were they headed to? Maybe hunters had killed a game animal and you could beg for some scraps. Or maybe…

As soon as his name crossed your mind you were on the move. Thankful for Bucky’s training and your magic mixing together, you crossed the half mile faster than normal humans could manage. You approached and slowed to scan the area, without magic this time to save your energy, and then saw it. The lump in two days’ worth of snow fall. And sticking out of it was a familiar shield. Steve.

You make it to him as two people break the tree line and sneer at you. “So, we caught the little flame and found the body of the Captain. Wont the others be pleased.”

Body. The body. It’s then you notice the blood stains in the snow you disrupted around him. But her gave off a heat signature still. He couldn’t be… not dead. No.

The two men circled you and you felt yourself getting dizzy from the energy use of getting here so fast. They attack when they notice, trying to keep you from getting your bearings. It’s a hard fight, much harder than two opponents should be, as your magic sputters, doesn’t respond the way you are used to, and ultimately fails. You result to pulling Steve’s shield from him, as you had kept your position between the two of them and Steve. The training you’d had with the teamwork and finally you are on your knees next to Steve, the two of them unconscious behind you.

You find Steve’s com and tracker in the front of his uniform and page for help as your vision starts to go black around the edges. Slowly you lay your head to his chest. If your going to pass out at least it’s here with him.

At once you hear several things. The hum of a quinjet pulses through the air, as if they had been searching and finally had a beacon to home in on. Then there is a whoosh that sounds like the iron man suit in the distance and yelling of yours and Steve’s names. Your team.

Then you hear the best thing of all. A heartbeat. Steve’s heartbeat. It’s steady and strong under your ear and the relief that flood through you welcomes the blackness of unconsciousness.

[a-heart-inscribed]

Operation Eros- End

You watch his chest rise and fall for a moment before you let yourself meet his eyes. They hold you to the spot, something flashing in his eyes that is unfamiliar to you. “Y/n, I…” Words fail him, and he continues to hold your eyes and it feels like he is searching them for something.

When he doesn’t go on you start to get worried. “Steve? Is everything alright?”

His breathing catches for a moment before he shakes his head and moves towards you. You know how fast he can move, so you know that even though he reaches you fast his steps are slow, measured, and controlled. His movements are smooth and steady as he draws in close, stopping barely a step from you.

Your own breath hitches to match his when he brings a large hand up to cup your cheek, thumb stroking along the edge of your mouth. A small nervous smile graces his lips as he looks down at you. Then, suddenly, his lips are on yours.

The whole cliché of ‘time stood still’ people talked about had never made sense to you, it had never happened to you before. As your heart pounded in your ears, you finally got it. It felt like everything around you froze and you were acutely aware of everything about Steve. His smell, how warm he was, the firmness of his chest, and it still took a moment for you to process what was happening. It only clicked when Steve started to withdraw his hand, as if he was going to pull away. The movement shook you and you finally responded, kissing him back.

There was a definite sigh of relief against your lips, and you could almost feel him smile against you, as his hand again became steady and moved to the back of your neck. Your response wasn’t so delayed this time. One of your arms snaked around the back of his neck and you let the other hand rest against his collar bone. His hand at the back of your head wove into your hair and his other came to your waist, pulling you flush against him.

As he moved you to him, he angled his face to deepen his kiss. It was reverent and passionate, as if he was content and relaxing into the comfort of it. You could feel your heart pounding through your whole body as you took in every detail, his hands, his smell, his taste, his lips, his tongue, the press of his chest against yours. It was intoxicating and you wished you could stay like this forever, even as your lungs started to protest from a lack of enough air.

Eventually, Steve broke away and rested his forehead against yours, puffs of his breath warming your cheek. “God, I was scared to hope…”

“Steve?” You open your eyes slowly to look up at him. With his forehead still brushing yours, he looked down at you through his lashes with a crocked grin on his pink lips. Those blue eyes shone with warmth and hope.

“I love you, too.” He moved slightly to trace his nose along your cheek softly.

You didn’t know you could blush any deeper than you were, but new heat burned in your cheeks. “You remembered…”

Both his hands come to rest on your waist, holding you close. “I did.”

“I should have said something sooner… it’s just… I…” You don’t know how to explain, even if you had been making the excuses to everyone else for so long.

“Y/n,” He brushed some hair from your face then pulled your chin up so you looked at him. “You were scared. I get it. I was too…” He smiled down at you as shock crossed your face. “I’ve been in love with you for a while. I think it started the very first time I walked into that coffee shop. You sassed Tony about something, and I knew the cute girl I had been watching with the others for months was something special.”

“Really, Steve? I… I liked you a lot, even back then. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Same as you. I was scared. Everyone was so sure of how you felt, tried to convince me you liked me as more than a friend too, but I… What if they were wrong? I’m Captain America, what if you didn’t want to deal with that in a relationship? I just… I couldn’t lose you and what we had already.”

Your throat was tight, and you want to kiss him again to reassure him you care but then your mind latched onto a few of his words. “That’s why you came back to the tower that night… you were scared you’d lose me.”

He shook his head and placed a kiss to your temple. “I was terrified something would happen to you before I got here.”

“You ass.” You push his chest a bit but don’t pull away from the hands still on your waist.

Shock was clear on his face. “Excuse me?”

“You are a complete ass, Steven Rogers. You were so concerned about losing me that you rush back here, into danger, without telling anyone? You showed up half dead already and I… God, Steve. You were bleeding out in front of me and I couldn’t do anything. I thought I lost you. I did! Your heart stopped three times in surgery… You were a complete and selfish ass…”

His shoulders drooped and his face took on that familiar ‘kicked puppy’ look he got when he had to apologize. “I wasn’t thinking, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put you through that.”

“Just… think next time okay? The others would have helped secure the tower. Especially if you had just told them I was here.”

“I promise.” He smiled sheepishly at you. “Am I forgiven?”

“Oh, shut up.” You smiled as you pulled his lips back down to yours.

Chuckling against your lips he hugged you to him and your feet came off the ground. He held you like that as your hands played in his hair, lips still moving softly together.

“It’s about damn time! Good lord!” Tony’s voice rang out over the speaker and you pulled back, squeaking in surprise.

Steve returned your feet to the ground but doesn’t let you move from your spot against his chest. The two of you looked around until your eyes landed on the second level platform, an area Tony and Bruce and sometimes the others will use to work on things that need to be presented.

In the window you see Tony leaning over to the mic, looking you dead in the eye as he flipped the mic on to be able to catch the voices from others around him. You looked over those gathered and found Bucky, Natasha, Thor, Sam, Loki, Bruce, Peter, and to your surprise Dr. Strange. Most of them had smug smirks on their faces, the exceptions being Strange, who looked mildly amused but overall board, and Peter and Bruce who both looked utterly delighted.

“What the hell are all of you doing here, spying?” Steve asked, his captain tone clear as he pulled away just enough to put one hand on a hip and furrow his brows at them.

“Bucky paged us that ‘Operation Eros’ was coming to fruition. We mobilized ASAP and found you here.” Natasha said and shrugged a shoulder as Bucky glared her way.

“’Operation Eros?’” Steve’s brow furrowed further. “What the hell is that?”

“Wait… Eros… so like ‘Operation Cupid’?” You raised your brow. “Really?”

None of them really looked that guilty. In fact, most of them looked even more smug.

“Are you saying that the nine of you covertly formed some operation, named after the Greek god of love, that involved me and Steve?” It was your turn to put a hand on your hip.

“Well neither of you were going to do anything on your own with any speed, clearly. You needed the prodding.” Loki rolled his eyes. “And for your information, I was in favor of the name being ‘Operation Freya’. It encompassed more.”

“Mine was ‘Operation Oxytocin,” chipped in Bruce and you snorted.

Peter raised his hand, “Operation Short Round.”

You laughed harder and smiled up at him. “Is that an Indiana Jones reference?”

“See!” He gestured to the others and down at you, “She gets it! ‘There’s no-”

Your voice joined his, “No time for love, Dr. Jones.”

“Yes.” He puts one fist up in the air. “Vindicated. I win.”

Laughing Steve tucked you into his side, shaking his head at the others. “And how long have you all been up there watching us?”

Tony perks up. “Long enough.” He meets your eyes and his go a little soft though. “But honestly, we just found you before we made ourselves known.”

Steve takes your hand and leads you up to the landing to join the others, the moment officially spoiled. You can tell when he looks at you there is more he wants to talk about, but right now he is content to wait.

You offer to make a late night snack for everyone who wants to stay up to celebrate. You leave the conference room with the team, hand still in Steve’s. As you enter the kitchen something dawns on you. “So, what were the details of ‘Operation Eros’ then? How, exactly, were you all meddling?”

Smiling back at you as he headed to the living room Tony quips, “That’s classified!”

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[a-heart-inscribed]

Operation Eros- End

You watch his chest rise and fall for a moment before you let yourself meet his eyes. They hold you to the spot, something flashing in his eyes that is unfamiliar to you. “Y/n, I…” Words fail him, and he continues to hold your eyes and it feels like he is searching them for something.

When he doesn’t go on you start to get worried. “Steve? Is everything alright?”

His breathing catches for a moment before he shakes his head and moves towards you. You know how fast he can move, so you know that even though he reaches you fast his steps are slow, measured, and controlled. His movements are smooth and steady as he draws in close, stopping barely a step from you.

Your own breath hitches to match his when he brings a large hand up to cup your cheek, thumb stroking along the edge of your mouth. A small nervous smile graces his lips as he looks down at you. Then, suddenly, his lips are on yours.

The whole cliché of ‘time stood still’ people talked about had never made sense to you, it had never happened to you before. As your heart pounded in your ears, you finally got it. It felt like everything around you froze and you were acutely aware of everything about Steve. His smell, how warm he was, the firmness of his chest, and it still took a moment for you to process what was happening. It only clicked when Steve started to withdraw his hand, as if he was going to pull away. The movement shook you and you finally responded, kissing him back.

There was a definite sigh of relief against your lips, and you could almost feel him smile against you, as his hand again became steady and moved to the back of your neck. Your response wasn’t so delayed this time. One of your arms snaked around the back of his neck and you let the other hand rest against his collar bone. His hand at the back of your head wove into your hair and his other came to your waist, pulling you flush against him.

As he moved you to him, he angled his face to deepen his kiss. It was reverent and passionate, as if he was content and relaxing into the comfort of it. You could feel your heart pounding through your whole body as you took in every detail, his hands, his smell, his taste, his lips, his tongue, the press of his chest against yours. It was intoxicating and you wished you could stay like this forever, even as your lungs started to protest from a lack of enough air.

Eventually, Steve broke away and rested his forehead against yours, puffs of his breath warming your cheek. “God, I was scared to hope…”

“Steve?” You open your eyes slowly to look up at him. With his forehead still brushing yours, he looked down at you through his lashes with a crocked grin on his pink lips. Those blue eyes shone with warmth and hope.

“I love you, too.” He moved slightly to trace his nose along your cheek softly.

You didn’t know you could blush any deeper than you were, but new heat burned in your cheeks. “You remembered…”

Both his hands come to rest on your waist, holding you close. “I did.”

“I should have said something sooner… it’s just… I…” You don’t know how to explain, even if you had been making the excuses to everyone else for so long.

“Y/n,” He brushed some hair from your face then pulled your chin up so you looked at him. “You were scared. I get it. I was too…” He smiled down at you as shock crossed your face. “I’ve been in love with you for a while. I think it started the very first time I walked into that coffee shop. You sassed Tony about something, and I knew the cute girl I had been watching with the others for months was something special.”

“Really, Steve? I… I liked you a lot, even back then. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Same as you. I was scared. Everyone was so sure of how you felt, tried to convince me you liked me as more than a friend too, but I… What if they were wrong? I’m Captain America, what if you didn’t want to deal with that in a relationship? I just… I couldn’t lose you and what we had already.”

Your throat was tight, and you want to kiss him again to reassure him you care but then your mind latched onto a few of his words. “That’s why you came back to the tower that night… you were scared you’d lose me.”

He shook his head and placed a kiss to your temple. “I was terrified something would happen to you before I got here.”

“You ass.” You push his chest a bit but don’t pull away from the hands still on your waist.

Shock was clear on his face. “Excuse me?”

“You are a complete ass, Steven Rogers. You were so concerned about losing me that you rush back here, into danger, without telling anyone? You showed up half dead already and I… God, Steve. You were bleeding out in front of me and I couldn’t do anything. I thought I lost you. I did! Your heart stopped three times in surgery… You were a complete and selfish ass…”

His shoulders drooped and his face took on that familiar ‘kicked puppy’ look he got when he had to apologize. “I wasn’t thinking, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put you through that.”

“Just… think next time okay? The others would have helped secure the tower. Especially if you had just told them I was here.”

“I promise.” He smiled sheepishly at you. “Am I forgiven?”

“Oh, shut up.” You smiled as you pulled his lips back down to yours.

Chuckling against your lips he hugged you to him and your feet came off the ground. He held you like that as your hands played in his hair, lips still moving softly together.

“It’s about damn time! Good lord!” Tony’s voice rang out over the speaker and you pulled back, squeaking in surprise.

Steve returned your feet to the ground but doesn’t let you move from your spot against his chest. The two of you looked around until your eyes landed on the second level platform, an area Tony and Bruce and sometimes the others will use to work on things that need to be presented.

In the window you see Tony leaning over to the mic, looking you dead in the eye as he flipped the mic on to be able to catch the voices from others around him. You looked over those gathered and found Bucky, Natasha, Thor, Sam, Loki, Bruce, Peter, and to your surprise Dr. Strange. Most of them had smug smirks on their faces, the exceptions being Strange, who looked mildly amused but overall board, and Peter and Bruce who both looked utterly delighted.

“What the hell are all of you doing here, spying?” Steve asked, his captain tone clear as he pulled away just enough to put one hand on a hip and furrow his brows at them.

“Bucky paged us that ‘Operation Eros’ was coming to fruition. We mobilized ASAP and found you here.” Natasha said and shrugged a shoulder as Bucky glared her way.

“’Operation Eros?’” Steve’s brow furrowed further. “What the hell is that?”

“Wait… Eros… so like ‘Operation Cupid’?” You raised your brow. “Really?”

None of them really looked that guilty. In fact, most of them looked even more smug.

“Are you saying that the nine of you covertly formed some operation, named after the Greek god of love, that involved me and Steve?” It was your turn to put a hand on your hip.

“Well neither of you were going to do anything on your own with any speed, clearly. You needed the prodding.” Loki rolled his eyes. “And for your information, I was in favor of the name being ‘Operation Freya’. It encompassed more.”

“Mine was ‘Operation Oxytocin,” chipped in Bruce and you snorted.

Peter raised his hand, “Operation Short Round.”

You laughed harder and smiled up at him. “Is that an Indiana Jones reference?”

“See!” He gestured to the others and down at you, “She gets it! ‘There’s no-”

Your voice joined his, “No time for love, Dr. Jones.”

“Yes.” He puts one fist up in the air. “Vindicated. I win.”

Laughing Steve tucked you into his side, shaking his head at the others. “And how long have you all been up there watching us?”

Tony perks up. “Long enough.” He meets your eyes and his go a little soft though. “But honestly, we just found you before we made ourselves known.”

Steve takes your hand and leads you up to the landing to join the others, the moment officially spoiled. You can tell when he looks at you there is more he wants to talk about, but right now he is content to wait.

You offer to make a late night snack for everyone who wants to stay up to celebrate. You leave the conference room with the team, hand still in Steve’s. As you enter the kitchen something dawns on you. “So, what were the details of ‘Operation Eros’ then? How, exactly, were you all meddling?”

Smiling back at you as he headed to the living room Tony quips, “That’s classified!”

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[a-heart-inscribed]

Operation Eros- Part 10

Tony stands abruptly from a chair against the wall but facing the doors. “It’s been hours and you three fucking think it’s okay to-”

Loki holds up a hand to stop Tony as your whole body starts to shake next to him. “My fault, Stark. I am sorry we were not all up there, but I believed that these two, of all of us, had a right to see what was going on.”

Tony’s face falls as do the others. “You took them to the observation deck?”

“Brother,” Thor speaks slowly, “was that wise? Taking he-” His eyes dart to you briefly then back to his brother, “them… taking them to watch?”

Bucky shakes his head and surmised, “Y/n didn’t watch. I did. She jus-”

“I listened. I… got to hear his heart beat.” You can see them all start to stand down as you speak, and your shoulders relax but a lump forms in your throat. “I got to hear it sto-“

“No.” Sam was looking you dead in the eye and you saw the dread and disbelief there, not willing to accept Steve might be gone. “It didn’t stop. He didn’t…”

Nat’s hand is on her mouth and the others watch you with slow expressions of dread before you can shake your head to stall them.

“I got to hear when his heart stopped, Sam. And when they restarted it. Three times. And that it was steady when we left.”

No one can say anything before the doors slide open and Dr. Strange joins you. He briefs you all on how it went, that they needed to do transfusions that didn’t want to take more than likely due to the super soldier serum, how extensive the damage had been, and that it had probably all occurred after her darted from the group on hearing about a threat to the tower, how it had mostly happened on his way here, alone with no one to watch his back, as he was trying to get to you.

There is no way in hell that you plan to leave his side after that. The team can only convince you to shower and change because they let you do so in the shower in his room and Bucky agrees to stay with him while you’re cleaning up. No one could guess how long it would take for Steve to heal and regain consciousness.

His heart connected to that monitor becomes your lifeline. The rhythm of it lulls and comforts you and is how you are able to relax and talk to your sister when she calls, how you can talk to the team when they come by, and it’s how you can relax and fall asleep on the pull-out bed next to him at night.

You’re almost napping in a chair, hand in one of Steve’s and head on the edge of his bed, on the fourth day when that rhythm changes. It picks up and though you notice it instantly, you are so exhausted that you can’t seem to get yourself to wake up, to bring yourself back from that murky edge of sleep where nothing feels real. The gentle squeeze of your hand, however, has you bolting upright and instantly alert.

Those two blue eyes are the most beautiful thing you have ever seen as Steve looks at you with a soft smile. “He-” his voice strains from negligence but you almost sob in relief at hearing it, “Hey, Doll.”

“Steve, you’re awake. You’re alive.” You have both hands on his as you look him over.

With a soft single laugh, he softly tugs on your hands until you climb up into the bed next to him, resting barely against his side. “I’m alive.” He confirms, resting a cheek against your head. After a moment he clears his throat a bit. “I… I don’t remember how I got here though… I was out fighting with Nat… and I was fine. A little sore… but after that things are a bit… dark.”

Your mind is going a million miles a minute. If he doesn’t even remember why he was coming back to the tower, then he must not remember what you said to him. You don’t know if you feel relieved or disappointed.

He has you put the head of the bed up so you are sitting together before you speak. “You came back. I guess they threatened the tower, an-”

“And you were here, and I was the only one who knew. That’s right.” He has one arm around your shoulders so you can rest against his chest and with his hand on that far side he starts to absentmindedly play with the ends of your hair. “But… was I shot? Or stabbed? Why am I here?”

“You lost just over a half-gallon of blood, which according to Strange is about as much as you can lose before you die by the way, out of a bullet wound on your chest, several stab wounds, and a nasty slash to your side.” You softly touch each area with your fingertips, knowing the locations from the memories of trying to stem the flow.

“And to top it off, you had a few internal injuries that needed repair and you needed two blood transfusions.” Steven Strange says as he is standing in the doorway, arms folded behind his back, eyes on Steve’s vitals.

Tony is standing just behind him, not doing a very good job of keeping the smug smile off his face as he looks dead at you. He raises a brow and lets the smirk fill his face as you make eye contact and you can almost hear the comment in your head about being curled up on Steve’s bed with him. The two of you had had a hushed conversation in the corner if the room about what you had confessed to Steve that night. You were adamite that Steve just felt for you like a friend and that you wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that with him. Tony told you that you were fully blind if you thought Steve didn’t look at you differently than other women. Right now, he looked like the cat that caught the canary, watching Steve play with your hair.

Dr. Strange lays out Steve’s prognosis and healing and it all sounds very positive. In very little time he should be totally unhindered and back to normal. It takes a little while after that for Steve to convince you to go back to your own rooms, shower, and get some quality rest. He does have a steady flow of visitors now that he is awake, so you finally concede.

Things quickly fall back into a more normal pace and Steve is out of the medical wing a few days early, the Super Solider healing more that Dr. Strange even calculated for. There are no missions on the schedule for a while to let everyone adjust, so you busy yourself with stepping up your game and making sure meals are always available and coffee is flowing strong 24/7.

It doesn’t surprise anyone that Steve struggles with the fact that he doesn’t remember much of what happened. You find he and Bucky sitting up one night, processing through events. Steve has his eyes closed and is recalling part of the journey home when you walk into the room. Apologizing you retreat quickly, and you end up in the kitchen trying to distract yourself from the fact he might remember what you said and that would change everything.

One evening you run into Bucky and he gives you the impression that he might be doing some processing with Steve tonight. It’s later that night, to late for you to think the others are still up, when you are up alone reading on the couch in the living room and are startled by hearing a door somewhere on your level fling open and get firmly shut. You put your book down and move towards the sound to see what was wrong, who was up and what they needed.

You don’t find anything as you move along the kitchen or the hall, so you head to the conference room to check, just in case. No one is in there when you go into the dimly lit room, so you turn to leave but as you do, the door slides open to reveal Steve standing there, eyes piercing as he took you in, the rise and fall of his chest rapid as if he’d been running, and a muscle in his jaw clenched. He looked almost frantic.

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