a230ventblog

[a230ventblog]

does anyone else like to stay in conversations that upset them to the point of tears even though you could ask the other guy to change the subject and the guy would because they like feeling like a victim

[a230ventblog]

oooh its been a hot minute does the process of childbirth fuck anybody else up?? the very first thing the bitch does is cause you pain so bad they write mythologies about it and then you’re expected to LOVE IT and you do. because you are governed by the Chemicals. what the fuck. this violates my very petty sense of justice.

AND NOBODY WARNS FOR IT HERE

[a230ventblog]

In regard to this poll, but with different wording.

*This poll was submitted to us and we simply posted it so people could vote and discuss their opinions on the matter. If you’d like for us to ask the internet a question for you, feel free to drop the poll of your choice in our inbox and we’ll post them anonymously (for more info, please check our pinned post).

[a230ventblog]

*This poll was submitted to us and we simply posted it so people could vote and discuss their opinions on the matter. If you’d like for us to ask the internet a question for you, feel free to drop the poll of your choice in our inbox and we’ll post them anonymously (for more info, please check our pinned post).

[a230ventblog]

I'm starting a collection

[a230ventblog]

SCAPEGOAT BY GHOST AND PALS IS KEEPING ME ALIVE RN

[a230ventblog]

i think i’m close to screaming at all of them to shut up/get out of my sight/?????? because they’re my roommates rn and they’re the only people i’m interacting with other than the discorders but i’m not going to do that because yk. they have a right to exist in the same place as me. in a way that makes them comfortable. i’m going to bitch about it here but i’m not going to be a dick to them. i just want to go home. i think. i just want to stop thinking about this but i don’t know how. i think i just won’t look at them.

[a230ventblog]

rocking back and forth to music instead of telling them to change the subject (pathological facade is a genuine banger though)

[a230ventblog]

Generally hyperfixating on something comes with a strong phobia of the thing for me because my brain has severe issues telling anxiety and excitement apart and this is responsible for the majority of my problems

*NOTE: in this case, phobia refers to a very strong irrational fear, not being a little scared of something. if you can handle snakes but they make you nervous, that's not a phobia.

[a230ventblog]

I have somehow developed a phobia of my best friend/roleplay partner’s childhood trauma and it sucks ASS see: this entire blog

*NOTE: in this case, phobia refers to a very strong irrational fear, not being a little scared of something. if you can handle snakes but they make you nervous, that's not a phobia.

[a230ventblog]

fucking affirmations

they are different from you and it does not make you lesser

just because they have an increased ability to fixate and follow through on what they want does not make you a lesser artist

its okay to feel weird about it the important thing is just accepting the fact that they exist as a seperate person from you bit by bit

this phobia will pass eventually and you will still be friends

you can take a break from them at any time. they won’t bite

you don’t need to compensate at all for anything that’s happened to them

you are a separate person and its fine if you work slower

they are not a threat to you

i do not know why i find them simply being creative so disturbing but it will pass and they will stop being a god

[a230ventblog]

i love the fact that your power is the only song that 100% guarantees catharsis for me and also that i feel about what was i made for a rage equal to that of alexander hamilton’s desire to hit thomas jefferson with a chair. when i become god i will subsume the song and the concept of william wanker in general into 3125 so marion wheeler can fight it as it deserves

i’ve avoided songs (what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger by kelly clarkson) as a ritualistic thing before but i’ve never had such a vitriolic hatred of i think anything before this fucking thing in my life. if i kill the song i kill one node attaching the fictional character’s trauma their author associated it with to the rest of the noosphere. if i kill all the nodes it will become detached and dead, separated from all its sources of nutrients, and if i kill the fictional character’s trauma i might kill their author’s. if i kill the author’s my need to destroy myself to emulate them will be killed too and i can make the world where the author is my older half sibling and grew up in a stable family environment and not in a cult real. because i’ll be a god yk

we share my father but they can have their original mother

i lowkey kind of want to go up to canada and stab their actual father in his sleep for my own comfort. they’d be very upset with me but they’d also feel guilty because they’re twice my age and they’ll feel like it’s their responsibility. bitch. im going to somehow inherit your cycle despite being a country three timezones and half a language apart from you

[a230ventblog]

being the only nt (ish) guy whose ingroup is entirely nd and also being a teenager with accompanying burning desire to fit in is so funny sometimes because ill look at my friend and be like ‘oh okay so i don’t have to stim *all* the time!’ and then i catch that thought a second later and im like what.

[a230ventblog]

three axioms about my brain that are the reason i cant read fiction:

-cant read anything about characters who are majorly different from me because my peer pressure mechanism is broken and makes me feel like theres something wrong with me if i dont relate to a major part of a character who describes themself as alone (The Night Diary and the quiet kid in my fourth grade class started a three year war in my head about whether or not i had the right to speak at all)

-cant read anything about characters who are too similar to me because fiction is supposed to be escapism (i kin eliza from eliza and her monsters SO HARD even though she is also quiet and i cant explain why but god. i get her. and our first panic attacks were for the opposite reasons!! people online perceived her personhood and i perceived someone else’s personhood online!!!! anyway i literally cannot touch the book with my bare hands because there are too many Feelings)

-long list of squicks i don’t even know why i have that include most common YA tropes: i.e. keeping secrets from someone significant in your life

and also bonus fourth im kind of an author now and also an SCP Wiki reader so my standards for writing are pretty fucking high. who tf needs published books when you have the SCP Wiki. it and ao3 are really the only sources of fiction i can Do because i know what i’m going to get a lot better than with a published book, there are more indicators and its all a familiar setting where i understand what the general vibe will be, AND THERE ARE CONTENT WARNINGS

the ironic thing though is that the fiction that has been worst for my health overall is on ao3 it at least tripled my squick list and also i literally have one of the character’s names cut into my side where THEY used to self-harm. the fucking fic is the reason i self harm in the first place. it is why this blog exists in the first place. i am probably the first person to go to therapy over an scp fanfiction

despite this bs i will still wander into bookstores and libraries and browse the fiction section for hours only to walk out with no books and a vacant look in my eyes. because i still really fucking like books. brain doesnt understand the difference between excitement and fear and i usually feel both simultaneously about things i like or have it start out as excitement and watch helplessly as it turns into fear. and this is responsible for the vast majority of my problems rn

[a230ventblog]

Anglos: Oh, I love French, it's such a poetic language Me, in a single conversation: we went the way of the tubercular pig since the swan took a shit, and we got stuck in the carpet flowers, so now we're both fucked. Yeah, I got nailed to the bed after catching a ho and losing about a cauldron of blood. It was a real toad's funeral, shared chirp.

[a230ventblog]

People think being self aware cancels out mental illness. That when you realise your thoughts or behaviours are irrational you just stop having/doing them

Instead what happens if you're extremely self aware and mentally ill is that you just think in a resigned kind of way "I'm being really fucking crazy right now" while being very loudly mentally ill

Sometimes you are able to tell the people around you "oh, you can ignore me rn. I'm just being extremely mentally ill rn. It will eventually pass" and then continue your erratic behaviour. But mostly it's just privately thinking: "well this is embarrassing but I can't turn it off so just gotta deal with it I guess."

It's infuriating honestly

[a230ventblog]

irl it’s genuinely hard not to bring them up constantly parce que beaucoup de choses remind me of them and it’s an actual problem

the annoying thing about everything is that I experience I Want To Know Everything About My Fear near constantly but instead of getting less sensitive to it as I learn more I just get. Worse. I have been afraid of all my special interests except the one I have right now and the excess fear just got relegated to… fixating on my friend’s trauma like I did the Holocaust in third grade once which is actually worse. No I will not shut up about it.