ablogforonlyme-blog

[ablogforonlyme-blog]

Love Comes and Goes

Dear whoever the fuck is listening, 

My boyfriend, let’s just call him J, of almost a year and a half broke up with me (over FaceTime might I add) last Wednesday. I normally have a cute little leather journal I write my thoughts in, but he bought that for me on our anniversary a few months ago so that is off limits at this time.

J and I had been together since July of 2018, which doesn't seem that long when I type it out, but honestly felt like forever. He was not in school with me but only lived about a 35 minute drive away, so it wasn’t like it was long distance. I saw him just about every weekend and during breaks we were attached at the hip. I believed we were surely going to move-in together, get married, have babies, etc. I believed this because he promised me these things.

We had a love that felt like a movie. I found him when I wasn't even looking for someone. Every day with him almost felt surreal. J was absolutely my best friend on the planet and I think that's why this one hurts so bad. I feel like I’ve lost a best friend. Taking down our pictures was like attending a funeral. He used to say things like “the relationship is on your terms” and “if anyone is going to be breaking up with anyone, it’s going to be you because I would never let someone as amazing as you get away from me”.  I could read him like a book and I always knew what he was thinking. I loved him with my entire being, Still do I guess. 

When he broke up with me, he told me he didn’t love me anymore. He had been “faking it” for two weeks. Just to give you an idea, we talked on the phone at LEAST once a day and every single day in that two weeks he told me he loved me more than anything and was very excited to see me. I wasn’t sure it was possible that you could one day just wake up and suddenly not love someone anymore. Even now, i’m still not so sure.

I’ve been through a breakup before. My previous breakup actually ended on worse terms than this one. The last guy cheated on me! Somehow, this one feels so much worse. Even though the reason we broke up could’ve been this huge dramatic reason, it wasn’t. He just stopped loving me. I can't hate this man for not loving me anymore. Sometimes, I even wish he did something worse so I could hate him. Sometimes I wish that he had cheated on me or was on hard core drugs or something crazy because it would be so much easier to move on. I could even say “he wasn’t good enough for me anyway!”. 

But he was good for me. J made me the happiest I have ever been in my whole life. The relationship was honestly so amazing and he treated me very well which is why it was such a shock that suddenly he didn't want me anymore.

He told me that he still cares about me and truly wants me in his life still. I believe him. He is, and has been, my best friend for a very long time and I know that's what I miss the most. That, and the routine of it all. The daily “Good morning” texts, the days where we would stay in and watch stand-up on Netflix for hours, the weekly Huddle House dates where we knew each other’s order by heart. The little things. Those were the things that stick in your brain forever. Those are the things you remember forever. I know and hope that eventually I can get over this enough to contact him again and stay in touch but I told him I need time. I need time to process, grieve, and move on.  

He also told me that he wished he met me later in life. He claims he didn’t want to be tied down. I call bullshit on that though because it wouldn’t have taken a year and 4 months to realize you don’t want to be committed to someone. I know that it was obviously something else (he has a lot of family shit going on for example) that made him turn me away but his pride and manhood is too precious to tell me the real reason. 

However, I know that one day, if fate has it and we meet again when we are both single and ready, I don’t think I would mind getting back together with him. (as long as he finally owns up to why he broke up with me in the first place)  He really was a good boyfriend and I think with time and maturity we actually could work. I will not, under any circumstances, wait for him though. Don’t worry I am not that crazy lol. If we meet again and I have found someone else that treats me even better, or I feel as though he hasn’t matured enough then there is no point in rekindling an old love that didn’t work in the first place. 

I’m feeling pretty lost at this moment. Haven’t really been eating or sleeping properly. I know how unhealthy that is but I physically can’t help it. I feel like someone is stepping on my chest with a steel-toed boot and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I’m falling behind in school and losing all motivation to even try. I cry a lot. My heart is in tatters.

I shouldn’t let some guy ruin my life. My mom says I need to go through the grieving process. I shouldn't be afraid to cry and get it all out because the sooner I do, the sooner I can move on. So that’s what I am doing. I am writing this out in hopes to help get this weight off my chest and I am staying away from social media for as long as possible. 

Sorry this was so long. Hopefully lengthy journal entires won’t be normal.

That’s all for now. 

Gab

October 14th, 2019. 3:07 AM.

[ablogforonlyme-blog]

Intro

Dear whoever the fuck is listening, 

My name is Gabrielle (Gab for short) and I am a college student living in Georgia. Just a little background on me: I want to be a criminal psychologist, singing is my absolute passion, I am 19 years old, and have been struggling with anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder since I was diagnosed at 14. Obviously, these things don’t just go away and flare up in certain times of your life. This is a flare up and I know that I will be okay one day because I have been okay before. I’ve just been going through a lot lately and living on a college budget means therapy is not an option. So here we are! 

I’ll obviously go into more detail about me as the blog goes on but for right now this is all ya get. 

Gab