abloggingintrovert

[abloggingintrovert]

"Real security is contemplating death, not pretending it doesn't exist. Not running from loss, but entering grief, surrendering to sorrow. Real security is not knowing something when you don't know it. Real security is hungering for a connection rather than power."

-Eve Ensler, TED Talk

[abloggingintrovert]

I'm angry and frustrated, so I'm writing.

I'm upset. Really fucking upset. 

The past 24 hours were a joyous celebratory time in the country I'm living in for Independence Day. And, what did I do to celebrate? Pretty much nothing. I spent the majority of the past 24 hours by myself in my apartment watching movies, while hearing the party music, laughter, and fireworks outside. I spent most of the time on my own feeling extremely upset and frustrated with my life while also feeling like everyone else's life is fucking awesome. I know this probably is not true...but that's how it felt.

Notice: this is NOT a pity post.

Over the past 24 hours, I've also thought a lot about why and how this happened. How is is that I ended up alone most of this time doing nothing instead of celebrating? I want to really figure out how and why this happened so that I can change it and make sure it doesn't happen again. Basically here's I think about it:

Situation: I am often lonely and unhappy. I wanted to party and have fun, but instead I stayed home and did basically nothing with no one.

Reason (I think): My friends.

a) A few of my friends are in relationships, and I am single. And, I don't really feel like being the 3rd or 7th or 9th wheel when going out.

b) My friends also have other friends, other friends that I don't necessarily get along with or want to be around.

c) My friends are not all friends with each other, so I don't have one group of friends to organize and chill with.

Possible Solution: Make new friends.

But, how do I do this? I'm 25-yrs-old, living in a place across the world from my closest, best friends, and I have a job that sometimes feels like it takes over my life. Is this typical nowadays? I believe it is. So, I wonder...does anyone else have this "friends" problem?

Sometimes it feels like I don't have friends. But, I do, and I like my friends. I really do. But also sometimes, I get very frustrated with them and with the fact that I cannot hangout with all of them together. It is also extremely frustrating when I have to wait on them to decide to make plans, and then no one ends up really having plans until late and I end up staying home, alone, doing nothing (which of course is what pretty much happened in the past 24 hours).

So, what do I do? How am I supposed to make new friends at this age/point in my life? 

I'm an awesome person. I've spent too many years self-pitying myself and those days are over. I'm awesome; I'm interesting; I can be funny; I want to do fun things in life; I don't want to sit at home and do nothing. So, I need to find new people to be awesome and have fun with.

I'm writing about this here because I can't really tell my current friends that I want to make new friends. So, how do I go about this? It's not that I want to lose the friends I already have, I just have come to the realization that I need to meet new people and make new friends. Basically, I want and need to do this so that I can have more socializing opportunities.

There are definitely nights when I want to just stay home and watch a rom-com while eating ice cream. But, there are many other times when I really want to go out and have some good drinks, good laughs, and fucking party like I should be at my age! Unfortunately, the nights staying in have been more frequent than the nights going out.

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Near the end of today, after realizing that I'd watched 3 movies in the past 24 hours, I decided that I was going to go online to read and find those blogs written by 20-somethings like me and see what they are writing about and how they can help me feel better. I found some good blogs, funny posts, and then remembered that I have my own blog I've been neglecting.  So, I decided to write and post.

I've been writing a lot of drafts, but don't post everything because I'm a silly perfectionist. I'm nervous if what I'm writing sounds dumb or whiney or pointless. But, I've decided now that I don't care. The other bloggers I've read have this sort of 'don't-give-a-shit' attitude about their writing, and I find that inspirational.

So, now that I've sufficiently ranted about my frustration and loneliness of the past 24 hours and that I've come back to this blog, I'm done for now.

[abloggingintrovert]

Any important read for anyone...

In light of graduating soon (three more days, holy balls), I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on life and happiness, and I keep coming back to the question I’ve never quite been able to nail down: How do you stay happy? People ask me this all the time, and my response is never the same, because...

[abloggingintrovert]

"True desire is the desire to be close to someone."

-Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

[abloggingintrovert]

Overcoming Self-Sabotage - Part I

So, I've now read the first five lessons (out of 14) of this course and will write about the beginning of this journey. The lessons so far have discussed life lessons, toxic emotions, unmet needs, and denial.

But first, what exactly is this course about? Here is an excerpt from the first lesson:

"Whatever form it takes - whether unhealthy behaviors or limiting thought patterns - self-sabotage always diminishes the passion and energy we need to fulfill our dreams. Self-sabotage is the outer manifestation of our inner feelings of shame, anger and unworthiness. At the heart of the matter, we only create as much love, fulfillment, success and joy as we feel worthy of having."

This - my personal self-sabotage - is what I am trying to understand in order to overcome. I am well aware that I cannot really 'overcome' this self-sabotage unless I completely understand what it is to me and how it actually affects my life.

The task from the first lesson was to make a list of 5 things I am doing to sabotage myself. I am supposed to be brutally honest with myself. Below are the 5 things that I initially wrote...

1. Constantly craving and eating chocolate. Unfortunately, there is such a thing as 'too much chocolate.'

2. "Shutting down"/"Closing off" when I am upset. Instead of speaking my mind when I should, I crawl inside myself and harbor my thoughts and emotions.

3. Not exercising. I keep putting off joining the gym because I feel like I don't have the time. Realizing that I don't have the time or energy to go, I don't want to pay for a gym membership and then waste the money.

4. Postponing my personal life. I am neglecting other areas of my life, such as communicating with friends and family less often than I used to.

5. Feeling like I want to (or do) cry when I become frustrated or angry with myself.

I made that list a couple weeks ago, but today realized that I got it all wrong. Yes, the things above may very well be things that I am doing to 'sabotage' myself. But, I was not totally honest, nor did I dig deep enough.

Today I realized that the following is actually the #1 thing I am doing to sabotage myself:

*I am constantly denying my inner, emotional pains by reminding myself that there are people less fortunate than myself. Although this reminds me to be grateful for the life I have, at the same time I am telling myself that my feelings/struggles/pains are insignificant and should simply be ignored/pushed away/forgotten.*

This thought/action, which I repeatedly do to myself whenever I get upset about something, actually prevents me from dealing with my issues/emotions and only makes them grow and eventually boil over at a later time...which of course then makes my emotional state much much worse.

This is what I realize I need to stop doing. While being grateful for the life I do have, I also need to remind myself that everything is relative. My frustrations are particular to my life. Although I am extremely grateful that I do not have such hardships like poverty, sickness, or abuse, I am 'sabotaging' myself by not dealing with what is basically preventing me from finding happiness. This is my struggle.

I need to remember that my happiness is just as important as anyone else's. My happiness should be important to me.  By ignoring my emotions, I deny myself the opportunity to truly understand why I am unhappy and how I can fix it. I have also realized that in order to be the person I truly wish to be and to do the things I truly wish to do, I need to be happy with myself first.

This is what needs to change in my life now. I have come to realize that I need to be a bit selfish right now in order to figure myself out. I need deal with my emotions and unhappiness in order to reach my greatest potential. There are (and will be) challenges along the way, and mistakes made. But, it is time for me to realize the lessons to be learned from past mistakes and know that I will continue to grow and change and find the peace and happiness with myself that I need.

Basically, I need to figure myself out in order to be truly happy with myself, and that's what I hope this DailyOM course will help me do. 

This is just step one; I've got a long journey ahead...

[abloggingintrovert]

Overcoming Self-Sabotage

I've decided to take an online course via DailyOM to rejuvenate my life. I have decided to make a commitment to myself to begin the process of overcoming self-sabotage in order to positively and confidently move forward in my life.

Why now? Why blog about it?

I have been working in my new (and first) full-time job at a non-profit organization for over 3 months now, and it sometimes feels like it has taken over my life AND that I am continuously failing with my time management and prioritizing. I'm 25 years old and, besides a boyfriend in high school for three months, I've never been in a real relationship. 

Now, I know that I am only 25 years old, and many people will tell me that I'm still very young and have many years ahead of me until I become good in my professional arena. Well, to that I say: I want to get a head start.

Then there will be those that tell me: "You're still so young! You will meet the right person for you when the time is right." And, to that I say: I may whack you on the head if you tell me that one more time! Also, I don't think I want to meet my future husband right now. But, what I do want is to gain relationship experience. -Is that wrong? I don't know..

I am really struggling at my work, and know that the insecurities and unmet needs in my personal life greatly affect my professional performance. I am feeling really frustrated by the fact that I have not been able to meet a guy and form a serious relationship with him yet, and I know that this could be due to the fact that I still need to learn to love, trust, and accept myself for who I am before this can happen.

I decided to blog about this because I know from past experience that reflective writing/blogging has really helped me understand and transform my life and experiences better. As an introvert, I do not easily share my personal issues and inner struggles. I'm blogging because I need an outlet for my thoughts.

I keep a handwritten journal, but sometimes that feels insufficient. What is it about posting something on the internet that is virtually public, even if the probability of someone reading my posts is very very low...??

I hope that blogging about my journey to overcoming self-sabotage will help me to set myself first and help lead me to the life full of happiness and success that I want.

I don't even know if anyone will read my blog posts. But that doesn't matter to me. All that matters is that my reflective writing will serve as a means for me to express myself (even if it is just to myself) in order to understand and grow during this process.

So, here it goes. To overcoming self-sabotage...

[abloggingintrovert]

The only mistake made in life is not truly learning from past mistakes. And that's why we have the 'Delete' button. 

[abloggingintrovert]

When grandma asks if you're lonely

So, what do you answer when your grandmother asks if you're lonely? No matter how you're feeling, you're definitely not going to say yes.

You don't tell your grandmother - who constantly asks if you're dating someone - that you don't have a boyfriend, and yes having been feeling a bit lonely.

You don't tell your grandmother - who constantly asks when you're going to get married - that you've been thinking that maybe some people may not be suited for relationships, and are meant to be alone.

You don't tell your grandmother - who constantly asks if you're going out with friends and meeting people - that recently you've been feeling a bit detached from the friends around you, and haven't seen them much.

So what do you do? You lie. "No, of course not! What do you mean lonely? I'm not lonely, grandma. Don't worry."

Even if it's true. Even if it just so happened that today you were actually feeling a bit lonely. Even if you were just spending some time at the park after a run, and see that it seems like almost everyone is in a relationship and you are completely on your own. Even if you've been considering going to a movie on your own because you have no one to see it with. Even if yes, you are lonely - you don't tell your grandmother.

It's also a way to try to convince yourself that you're not lonely. Saying it out loud to someone else feels like reaffirming it to yourself. No, I'm not lonely. As an introvert, I like to be alone sometimes. I'm just having a lot of time to myself lately. This will all change soon. Who's knows...maybe tomorrow I'll meet someone who will change my life and I'll never feel lonely again.  Probably not, but there is a small chance.

No matter the circumstance, you don't tell your precious, loving grandmother that you are lonely. How silly of her to even ask!

[abloggingintrovert]

"The only thing worse than being blind is having sight and no vision."

I saw this quote on the Facebook page of an organization.  I really like it because it reminds me to always be grateful for the things I do have - like my sight.  It also promotes the notion that those who do have, should do. Even individuals who are blind can have a vision for their life; they can succeed.  

I have my sight.  I have my voice.  I have my mind intact.  I should seek to only do good in this world.

[abloggingintrovert]

One of the many amazing and touching videos from SoulPancake

My Last Words: Meet Christopher Aiff

A story about an incredible guy with incredible words of wisdom to share: "The decision to be positive is not one that disregards or belittles the sadness that exists.  It is rather a conscious choice to focus on the good, and to cultivate happiness - a genuine happiness.  Happiness is not a limited resource.  And when we devote our energy and time to trivial matters, and choose to stress over things that ultimately are insignificant, form that point we perpetuate our own sadness and lose sight of the things that really make us happy and rationalize our way out of doing amazing things."

[abloggingintrovert]

Margaret Heffernan: The dangers of "willful blindness"

"And the truth is, this is a human problem. We are all, under certain circumstances, willfully blind."

Why do we choose to ignore certain information or emotions that can influence our lives?  Whether it be emotionally, romantically, or politically, most of us tend to come across this dilemma.  We avoid cognitive dissonance in order to maintain a status quo or in order to refrain from eventually putting ourselves in seemingly dangerous situations. 

Margaret Heffernan discusses the dangers of willful blindness, and how our freedoms should encourage us to act against it.

[abloggingintrovert]

Think you can spot an introvert in a crowd? Think again.

I definitely identify with most of these "signs." Not all 23 are true for me, but that's because there is no such thing as one type of introvert.  We are all unique individuals in our own way.

[abloggingintrovert]

"I can choose to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It's all a question of how I view my life."

-Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

[abloggingintrovert]

Why I'm reluctant to be upset about anything...

Sometimes I get mad at myself for getting upset about something. There are certain things that I easily tell myself do not matter in the grand scheme of life.  

For instance, if I get a bad grade in a class, or if my favorite purse breaks, or if my Ipad begins to freeze and doesn't want to work, or if I get a stain on my favorite duvet cover...

I should be grateful that these are the worst of my troubles in life.  

Once I start to get upset, I immediately begin to think of people who are living in poverty.  I remind myself that there are people, every day, that have to search for food and shelter to survive.  There are people, every day, who are living with a chronic or terminal illness.  There are even some people, sadly, who live in physically and emotionally abusive environments.

If I ever get upset about something, I begin to feel bad about it and remind myself what a privileged and well-supported life I have.  

I also understand that everything is relative, and perhaps it is okay to be upset about certain things.  Yet, I'm still reluctant to get upset.

Is this something that makes me an introvert?  Does anyone else think like this? Should I always feel and think this way?  What would the world be like if everyone thought this way?

[abloggingintrovert]

Gratitude

I am now 25 years old.  

I have lived a safe, secure, healthy, and (mostly) happy life.  Just with that, I should be nothing but grateful for the life I have.

I have loving family members who are caring and supportive.

I have good friends who want to spend time with me.  I have great friends, who are still my friends even though they know how weird, awkward, and strange the real me is.

I have a sense of stability in my life, a sense of strength, and a sense of awareness that allows me to understand the world and my surroundings to the fullest.

I have seen poverty; I have seen sickness; I have heard ignorance; I have seen and heard insecurity.

These experiences, sights, and tastes that I cannot remove from my memory constantly remind me of how grateful I should be of the life I have.

Whenever I get upset or angry or frustrated, I remind myself of all the hardship and chaos and tragedy in this world realizing that I have nothing to complain about. 

Gratitude is one of the strongest qualities to exhibit in life.  It helps me carry on when I hit a roadblock; it drives my passion to help others; and motivates my success.

If everyone else who lives a healthy, happy, and safe life also expressed their gratitude - this world would be a very different place.

[abloggingintrovert]

Life should be filled with (and all about) self-discovery, not self-pity.

[abloggingintrovert]

A friend shared this article with me tonight.  The author is an incredible writer.  I think almost any girl will be able to connect with this piece in some way...give it a read.