addicting-paradise

[addicting-paradise]

Staffordshire, England by James Picture

[addicting-paradise]

🌍Mount Rainier National Park - 📸 Claymore MacTarnaghan Photo

[addicting-paradise]

Dear Alec,

Of course I wouldn’t just forget about everything and move on with my life. Of course not. I wish I would, though. Things would be easier if you (or the idea of you, or the things you said) didn’t have any effect on me. I wish.

I suppose you’re still busy. I wish you would say the magic words - hey, we’ll talk soon, I’m busy right now. Patience is a blessing I’m trying to be worthy of, but it’s harder than I thought.

I can’t help but think and think and wonder and wonder and think. Do you have any idea of how long it took me to finally get you off my mind, not feel upset at the way I felt and not think about you or the world of possibilities that you represented to me? It took me months. But when I finally did, there you were again. Every time we talk it’s another week I’ll spend distracted by the thought of you. This can’t end well.

You’re still so confusing. One day you’re sorry we can’t make a long distance relationship work because we have different needs and I’m not up to what you would need and you wish you could be with me - but when I mention actually going to see you, it’s almost as if you take a step back. I don’t know what you really want from me.

That being said, I still feel like you’ll just disappear and never say anything again. But then you might show up again out of no where. I can’t do this anymore, sweet. I can’t turn on and off my feelings and my thoughts. 

I don’t think you want to be involved  with me in any level. I’m too soft, you’re not. I know I wrote that I wouldn’t mind not making it out in one piece when we finally collide - but maybe I do, because I’ve proven this year that it takes me a long, long time to mend my own heart. And it’s not just my heart - I’ll hurt all over my body, again. I’m so alone and thinking about you is a great distraction and wanting you is hurtful by itself. 

I was in love with the greatest guy I’ve ever met. We met in high school, and when we finally graduated (I counted the days for that to happen... turns out I was never good at socializing, especially in school) the only thing I was sorry about was that I wouldn’t get to see him everyday. We went to the same church group, but a couple of months later he went to Italy and I thought I wouldn’t see him again. But he came back, and I was still in love. We got into the same ministry together, but he had a girlfriend and I locked my feelings in a very small, pressured box. When they split up, the box exploded. I was madly in love. He had absolutely no idea. I told you he broke my heart, but it wasn’t because he was a jerk to me - he was the sweetest, most caring person when I finally told him about my feelings. It just wasn’t mutual at all and I was so embarrassed for thinking that maybe it was.

So I was in love with a guy who lives blocks away from my house and that I get to see every week, and he never had any feelings for me. Still doesn’t. But when another sweet guy tells me he would like to be with me and hold me and just makes me feel like I could be loved and cared for - hey, of course he’s a zillion miles away. 

But of course he might not be serious. I don’t know. That’s the major problem with long distance communication - things can be so easily misunderstood. I don’t know what to do.

It took me such a long time to fall asleep last night. I wish I could turn you off in my mind. 

I don’t know how I feel about you and this.

14-12-2017 

[addicting-paradise]

Sweet boy,

You still haven’t replied to my last text, but I’m assuming you’re busy. It’s okay. Twenty four hours gave me a lot to think about - us and all of this. Do you think we could make it work? Apart from the obvious lack of body touch, we can’t dismiss the second most obvious problem.

Communication is a huge part of a relationship. I’m 5 hours ahead of you. You’re always busy. We barely speak. You said it yourself keeping up a good pace and concentration on long distance conversations is hard - so how could this work if we don’t talk? 

You have physical needs. So do I. But mostly my needs are emotional needs. I want to talk to you, I want to hear about your life. I want you, and any parts of you I can have until the day I’ll finally be able to touch you and hold you and kiss you. But I want you. I’d rather have a few minutes of you through a call or a text then no you at all. 

It’s been taking my sleep for the past few days. You’ve been surprisingly sweet and it really seems like you’re sorry we can’t be together - but I’m so, so scared you’re playing me. It’s too good to be true. I can’t help but fear you’re just... I don’t know.

I don’t know what to think and I don’t know what to do. Maybe this is a mistake. 

 13-12-2017 I’ll write to you until I can touch you

[addicting-paradise]

Sweet boy,

I’m so relieved you’re thinking about this too. I thought you were okay with what we decided, which was... nothing. I guess I’m glad you’re also struggling to accept that there is nothing we can do to make a relationship work as long as we’re a continent away from each other.

I was talking to my best friend about you and she said something: funny thing about girls and boys is that usually boys want all or nothing, whereas girls wil bend if needed, take whatever they can get - little is better than nothing. This made me think. I’d be happy to have any part of you that I can - even if it meant a Facetime call every now and then, sporadic conversations about our week, texting when we can. But I know this wouldn’t be enough for you, I respect that. I’m just sorry we can’t make it work.

I need physical touch too, but I can wait. I’m writing you letters (not that you know it) so not being with you now will be more bearable. Even when I go to LA to see you, what happens then? We’ll still be living so far away. I won’t be able to stay forever. But we’ll have touched each other and we can hold each other for a couple of days, but I’ll still have to go. And then we’ll be left with the same problem. 

You’re moving to Los Angeles. Do you have any idea of how many attractive girls you’ll meet? I’m sure your physical needs won’t be a problem then, and you won’t feel the same about someone who’s 6 time zones away.

I could barely get any sleep last night - I think I only really slept after 6am, but my alarm kept going off, so did I even get any sleep for real? Not sure. You haven’t replied since yesterday in the afternoon and my mind was so anxious to talk that I kept having dreams about all of this in the few minutes I’d sleep - I’m slowly (or maybe not that slowly) losing my mind. All because you can’t be mine and I can’t be yours. 

I wish you were here.

12-12-2017 I’ll write to you until I can touch you

[addicting-paradise]

Sweet boy,

I’m about to start what I hope will be a 12 hour long study session. I just need to survive one more week until I can binge on netflix and photography again - I can’t wait. I’m also going to Sao Paulo as soon as I leave the exam room, and I’ll finally have some time with my best friend - I can’t, can’t wait. 

Yesterday was a very slow day. I slept for most of the afternoon and managed to get ready for my friend’s birthday dinner in under an hour, which was a big accomplishment for me. I also felt really good about myself, so good that I sent you a boomerang of a failed attempt to a flirty blink - well, if anything, we now know I can’t do that. You said you won’t forget my face so soon, and that warms my heart. It shouldn’t, but it does, and I will allow it, because it’s all I have.

Last night I also heard everything I need to make the decision to leave next year when I get the chance. I want to cry just thinking about leaving my church group, but I got the confirmation I can’t stay. I have a very unpleaseant situation there - that I created myself - because I’m so fragile and stupid and that alone was most of the reason I already wanted to leave, but also I don’t think I’ll be allowed to stay because of a catholic formation I didn’t get - at least I didn’t have to make the decision to leave by myself. It’s been made for me. 

It’ll still hurt though. I know I’ll probably hurt even more if I stay, but leaving won’t be easy. I’ve been there for the past 3 years, which doesn’t seem that much but feels like forever. I was there the first time I texted you, I was on my way there the first time you said I was hot, the first time you said you wish you could kiss me, and I was there the day you were so distracted by me and I told you to get your cute ass in my time zone. That was one of the best days - we stayed up late (well I did and I had to be up at 6) talking about music, I listened to and hated Mountain Goats and you listened to and pretended you liked Sleeping at Last. I liked that you pretended to like just because I told you it was my favorite. You were so sweet all night. 

I remember it was so frustrating to wait until 1pm for you to wake up and text me back. It felt like the hours wouldn’t pass and work was so boring without secretly snapping you. I’d stay up until 1am every night and still I was barely tired the following day, because our night conversations (night for me, afternoon for you I suppose) were always enough to keep me distracted all day long, smiling for no reason, remembering your face and jokes and flirting. You made me feel so happy it was actually something I had never experienced that intensely before.

Of course I should have never given you any power over my emotions, and you should have never been in the position to break my heart in any way - but hey, I was never good at holding anything back and God knows I can so easily break. So I let you break the most innocent part of me, the one that ignored all the slightly ambiguous texts and the times you made it sound like you expected something else. Well, he’s so sweet and caring, he would never talk to me so much just in the hopes I’ll strip out of my clothes for him, right? Right?

Not right. But it’s okay. I never realized how much I needed you to apologize until the day you finally did. Took you a few months to finally talk to me like a decent person and not take 3 days to reply every time I tried to talk, so it felt like I could breathe again when you said the words “I’m sorry” and admitted you were a douche bag. I’m sorry, you were. My best friend taught me the concept of a f*ckboy and boy, that was your definition at the time. So summing up, it felt really good to hear you apologize and feel genuinely okay with everything again. I still wonder where all of that came from - what made you think of me and breaking my heart, enough to find an excuse to talk to me again?

I’m glad you did. On the other hand, it brought back so many feelings like I said. I feel so alone and lonely and I can’t shake the thought of you off my mind. I’ve been studying the possibility of going to the US next summer - what would you think of that? I NEED to see you. Just once. Just to figure things out once and for all.

Time’s up. I have to go immerse myself in a zillion notes. College better be worth all of this.

I miss talking to you. I wish you were here.

11-12-2017 I’ll write to you until I can touch you

[addicting-paradise]

Sweet boy,

I was too tired to write yesterday. I had a lunch celebration with friends from my church group and then we went to church until around 8, and it was surprisingly not as mentally tiring as people might think it is. It was actually pretty nice. 

Everytime I’m there, though, at some point the reality of leaving that place and those people upsets me, but I’m so scared to stay and feel miserable for another 5 years while I’m in college. I don’t want to leave because I’m weak, but well, I am and that’s why I want to leave.

God is great, and I really appreciate everything I’ve learned and everything I’ve heard and felt... but my humanity has a way of always messing everything up. Can I stay for a few more years and not fall apart?

So today I’ve been to mass and had birthday lunch with my family and my now older dad, and I’ve been procrastinating for a while now. It’s almost 4pm and I’ve got another birthday dinner at 7:30. I wish I could sleep though.

One more week, two more days of tests next sunday and monday, and I am free from college duties. Of course this thought will be more fun if I actually get into college for next year, but you know. Tired.

I have been thinking about my trips next year and I’m trying to find a way to fit a weekend in LA in my plans. I still have SO much to do to accomplish that - my passport expired a month ago and I still need to get a visa. It’s so frustrating that I can’t just talk to you and book a flight to see you without having to prove to your lovely president Trump that I 100% plan on coming back to my own country and that I am worthy of stepping foot in your beautiful north american land. 

I still feel numb in my chest and everything still hurts. I wish you were here.

10-12-2017 I’ll write to you until I can touch you

[addicting-paradise]

Sweet boy,

It’s been a week since we talked. Are you okay? Because I’m not okay at all.

I can’t stop thinking about all the things you said and all the feelings that rushed through my mind and heart. The one man that actually was interested in getting involved with me is 9000km away and for obvious reasons it just doesn’t seem fair.

I feel so lonely.

Sometimes I feel like I have no one. Like my life isn’t here and never will be. I have no choice though. There’s no where I can run to, no one’s arms I can escape to. And gosh, do I wish I could run right into your arms right now.

It’s been ridiculously hot, the kind of hot that makes me want to punch the people that so proudly affirm global warming isn’t real. Come live in the tropicals then.

Sorry. I’m a little grumpy today.

My parents are back together. They broke up when I was two years old and they recently started dating again, which is still slightly weird for me – I had never seen my parents kissing or holding each other, so it’s safe to say it has been a very weird experience. But seeing them actually makes me feel even more lonely. Will I ever have anything like that?

Not that I want to have my parents’ kind of relationship. Took them 13 years to find their way back to each other, and it wasn’t exactly a romantic, beautiful love story. It was just two people who realized they would feel confortable in each other’s presence again, and for both of them it is enough. That could never be enough for me.

What I crave goes so much deeper that sometimes I am certain I will end up alone with 76 cats and 89 dogs. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure by now everyone knows that scenario would actually be very exciting for me. I do love animals and, again, everyone knows I’d choose animals over people in any opportunity.

Then why do I feel so alone?

You put so many thoughts in my head. I can’t stop thinking – you, all of you, so much of you, all over me, my mind, my thoughts, my everything. It keeps me distracted during important times. I was taking a test (one of the zillion tests I had to take to apply to university... very important tests as you can imagine) and all I could think about was what you touching me would feel like. For the first time, biology was SUCH a hard thing to focus on.

I spent the day studying. Mathematics and World History have never dragged time like today, but it was a good day, amongst really bad ones.

It’s all getting bad and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to come back to normal. I feel like I’ve crossed so many lines that there’s just no way back. I wish you were here.

I don’t mean that as in “you could fix me”. No way, I’ll either fix myself or accept that I can’t be fixed. I don’t need you to fix me. I need you for other things, though... You could hold me in your arms, like you said you would. You could play with my hair until I fell asleep. You could kiss me – yes, you could kiss me and kiss me and kiss me. Please, kiss me.

I don’t know what I want. Part of me knows thinking about you is insane and irrational. Well, I haven’t been speaking to that part of me recently. Because another part of me – a much, much more convincing and reckless part – wants to find out if this could be something real.

I feel so lonely. I wish you were here.

08-12-2017. I’ll write to you until I can touch you.

[addicting-paradise]

I miss you, More than I know what to do with. My chest is full, the emotions overflow onto my cheeks, the flooding continues and my composure is swept away. The waves take me under every day. We are where we are because of me, The walls began to crumble because I pulled them apart. So why wasn’t I ready to catch them?

Fall, 2017 (via isaacwrites)

[addicting-paradise]

Abandoned church - St. Etienne, France

[addicting-paradise]

The view from the foot of my bed

[addicting-paradise]

how jealous I am of the rain that gets to touch your skin how jealous I am of the air that gets to fill your lungs how jealous I am of the sun that wakes up next to you

all the things I used to do by shelby leigh (via nothingwithoutwords)

[addicting-paradise]

by  ラ・カンパネラ

[addicting-paradise]

A letter of a non-apology.

I am writing this letter because this is what my heart screamed over my lungs the last time I saw you smile. I am writing this letter to let you know all the things I didn’t know how to say. And gosh, I hope you care.

I want you to know that I am sorry. I’m sorry it was too much. I’m sorry I was too much.

I’m sorry I wanted your entire being, your flirty smiles and the freckles under your eyes. I wanted your plump lips and your strange jokes. Your curly, unpredictable hair and the way you said my name. I wanted to hold you so close to my heart that now my ribcage hurts; and you’re not even there.

I’m sorry for all the time. But why am I sorry? Should I be sorry that you made me feel like I was too much? Should I be sorry you made me feel like I was the burocratic paperwork you avoid as much as you can? Should I be sorry you made me feel like my chest would colapse and my eyes were never dry?

Should I be sorry?

I am writing this letter because I don’t think you expect nothing less.

[addicting-paradise]

I want to love you.

I want to hold you. I want to put my arms around you when you're still shaking and your breathing is accelerated because of the rush you feel on stage. I want to be the first to touch you when a smile starts to crack from the corners of your plump lips and the tension evaporates from your shoulders. I want to run my hands through the hair I told you to grow longer, brown, curly locks that stay up when you're nervous and keep messing them. I want to touch your cheeks where the skin goes down in your dimples, and trace the freckles under your eyes with my fingertips. I want to look into your eyes, green, blue, grayish, fall into an unknown ocean where the waters are unpredictable and the surface is hidden by waves. I want to run my fingers up and down your arms, your chest, bury my face in your neck and lose myself in the smell of you. I want to squeeze my arms around your chest and feel it shaking while you laugh, and I won't have to look up to know the corners of your eyes will be crinkled and your smile could take my breath away even if the sky was dark and there was no light left to light up the room.

I want to hear your voice. I want to get distracted by the quiet sound of your lips touching one another as you speak, your voice clear and melodical the way I kept it in my memory..I want to get lost in your stories, the way you talk about your town and your past and your family, the facial expressions when you talk about something hard and the triumphant but still shy smile when you mention a victory. I want to hear you sing in the shower and while you drive, looking both ways of the road mumbling the words to old songs that bring back memories. I want to hold your cold hands when it's snowing outside and you have no gloves on, warm your blue fingers with my own hands.

I want to talk to you. I want to hear about every single little detail about your life in college and your childhood, how it felt to kiss that someone for the first time and how exciting you were in your first show. How the audience reacted the first time you smiled on stage and when someone recognized you for the first time on the streets or internet. I want to hear about your heartbreaks and your lovers, what falling in love felt like and what it was to feel at the top of the world. I want to hear you describe the rush to perform in front of a large crowd, then a small crowd, then in front of your family. I want to know what other passions you feel running within you and what you think about when it's summer and the rain is pouring down your bedroom window and turning everything grey. I want to hear you rant about music, the unpopular artists that inspire you, the songs that made you feel something, anything, everything, and the tunes that gave you a headache. I want to hear what is hard and what is easy, what helps you breathe and what turns your veins into ice. I want to hear about your dreams, who you are and who you were, who you want to be and what you want to do. I want to know how you like your coffee, which books touched parts of your personality that you didn't know were you and which ones turned your vision of the world upside down.

I want to lie next to you. I want to look into your eyes and get lost in the depth of the light I know lives inside of you. Carefully. I want to look at you and smile when you lift your thick eyebrows and make weird faces, your head in your hand and your blue shirt turning your eyes darker. I want to feel the electricity running between us before we finally collide, and I won't mind if I don't make it out in one piece.

I want to fall for you slowly, the way you drift to sleep. I want to fall for the way you look surprised by how frozen food sometimes tastes awful. I want to fall for the way you use your hands to explain a point, and how you build your arguments using your knowledge and humor. I want to fall for the way you laugh when there is no one to impress, allowing yourself to look younger and happier. I want to fall for the shyness you brush off with your hands, the way you close your eyes when the world feels too much. I want to fall for the way you twist your hands when you sing in front of people and you're scared to make a fool out of yourself, even though it never happens. I want to hold your hand and feel the warmth of your touch waking pieces of my heart long forgotten and frozen, let your love melt down the walls I built for my inner ice empire. I want to fall for you and the way you play with my hair, brushing it away from my face before your lips touch mine and your arms close around me.

I want to love you.

[addicting-paradise]

The only meaningful thing we can offer one another is love. Not advice, not questions about our choices, not suggestions for the future, just love.

Glennon Melton, Carry On, Warrior

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(via books-n-quotes)

[addicting-paradise]

No matter how interminable something feels, there is always, always an ending. Sometimes that’s good, and sometimes it’s bad; sometimes it’s a matter of indifference, and sometimes it’s heartbreaking, and your life is never the same thereafter.

Ann Aguirre, Grimspace

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(via books-n-quotes)