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For few days 

It was fine 

It was just love i couldn't feel

And days after i lie crying in my bed 

The truth drawn upon me

I couldn't feel love

I will never feel love

I just had the habit to borrow 

the love from one

And giving to another

And nothing is fine

How am I supposed to tell everyone that I'm getting tired of my smiles

I can feel my smile, no longer covering my scars 

Can we pretend to not see me 

Who am I supposed to tell that I am sad 

Even after everything I am alone 

I'm always gonna be alone

Nobody is coming to save me

I'm getting lonlier then ever

How I'm gonna make it to tomorrow 

I can't keep this facade anymore

I'm becoming sadder and making things sad along with me 

And nothing is going to be fine 

I was born this way, the pain tattooed on my back

Im supposed to be alone

Or rather I need to be alone 

A lot of people to love but 

I can feel the sadness drowning me again

I can feel the coldness seeping through my veins 

Would anyone ever come to save me

I'm slipping again and everyone is noticing

How I'm supposed to run away from them 

How I'm gonna stay alive 

I alone more than ever 

But it would be fine 

Everyone has always told me it would be fine....

Maybe if i held my breath for few minutes it all would be fine

[adronitis5]

On today's episode of me deciphering my feelings—(yes, I like to write these paragraphs... I want to convey how the world feels slipping through my fingers).

And as always, today's terrain is love.

Yes, there is a certain kind of strange rhythm along the edges of love. The strangeness of it often destroys stuff. But at the end of the day, we all somehow crave it the most. The most lethal addiction if one would consider. We yearn for love even after holding the knowledge of the potential destruction it holds.

Have you ever felt love, the wrong kind? Well, it doesn't feel right to say love is wrong. But if I could articulate it into a more apt word, it would be the impossible one, one which defies everything you thought you knew...

The one in which you love someone so much, but you're never going to say it aloud because you know it would destroy everything else, every single atom of your universe (we both know it would, and how seductive the idea is). Most people call love foolish, but how could you? How could you love someone after knowing every flaw of this intricate reality and call it stupid? Love requires strength to go through it, even after knowing that it will destroy you. It could never be a flaw... I say it's the most courageous.

Have you ever loved someone enough to crave their most authentic parts, when you want to be there on their bad days rather than the good ones, one where you want to lay your head in their lap and cry your heart out? I think love destroys you in every way, because have you ever felt this urge to give all the happiness of your life to them so that you can feel the greed inside you vanish? I don't think love gives you butterflies; rather, it gives you bugs that eat you inside out. I think love is a miracle, because how can someone with so much pain still have the capacity to give it in such abundance...

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of the road, staring into the eyes of the one your heartbeat adores, and realized you're in love... But it would destroy them, so you lie, you wake up every day and lie... I think that's why romantic movies with tragic endings are my favorite because maybe the incomplete stories are better because who likes the full stop. The truth is I don't know if I love someone because I don't know if I will put them through the torture of my love, I don't want the sadness of my universe to engulf theirs.

But as Arundhati Roy says, who would want to love an unbroken one... And why would you, when you can find the perfect broken mosaic tile to fit into your scenery... Maybe there's hope. Maybe there's hope and solace to love someone from a distance... Maybe someday it would be enough. Enough to make you give up, enough to dry the blood in your veins, maybe one day you would be enough to fit into their heart, maybe one day you would have enough reason to destroy the world. Love is sad. And that's why my sad world requires it.

(Okay, done. You can carry on with your normal life.)

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There's a sadness inside me that I can't shape or name but it is eating me alive.

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Me and my stupid little heart

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