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[adventureis--out-there]

What About The Good?

It’s easy when I’m hurt to sit here, And write about the pain and the things you’ve done to cause it. But that’s only a small part of the story, It’s the part I’m living now. But what about the before? Before the heartache I feel now? Those were the eight months I spent falling in love with you. It was hardly falling, I walked straight into it. I met you in the middle of a mess, I was frazzled and I’m sure that was apparent, But apparently so were you, Though that never showed in your cool demeanor. Your bright blue eyes took one look at me, And you saw someone you wanted to stay. I still don’t know what you saw, but I’m glad you saw it. So just as you asked, I chose to stay. Recently, a part of me wished I hadn’t -- But that’s the hurt speaking because Lord knows, I could never regret meeting you. Not in a million years. You brought a sort of light into my life. I’m a mess And we all know it. But I guess there was something about my mess That you found you liked. I think of the moments when I was getting to know you, The pure chemistry and connection I felt between us that was unreal. Don’t even try to deny it -- How many people can sit and simply talk for three hours after knowing each other for a week? I was nervous the moment you met my dog, She doesn’t take kindly to men -- I mean, that happens when you’ve been abused -- But she took kindly to you. That was one of the first moments I knew I was screwed. You became so integrated within my life. You met my family, You let me open up to you, And you opened up to me too. I became addicted to the sound of your voice, And the musical notes of laughter that spilled from your thin lips. I became addicted to the way you’d speak to me -- I remember you told me you were happy I was around, you were less lonely. Do you remember that too? You showed me your scars, And somehow it only added to the masterpiece of you. I remember Halloween -- You told me you weren’t a prince, But little did you know you were a prince in my eyes. I remember when you gave me your jacket because it was cold, You let me wear it and it smelled so much like you. The smell was intoxicating and I wanted more of it. Little do you know, that’s why I kept it for so long. When I returned it, it no longer smelled like you -- Did it smell like me? Did you wash it right away or let the scent linger until there were no traces of it left? So many small gestures, Gestures that made me feel like I mattered to you. Holding my hand through a haunted house -- Did you know that I hated haunted houses? But I wanted an excuse to hold your hand. It didn’t matter that I was scared because I felt wholeheartedly safe with you. Do you know any of this? Or has my tightly sealed lips let this all go unnoticed? You held my hand again, You offered your hand when I got my nose pierced. There it was; excuse number two to hold your hand. How could one person leave me so intoxicated without a single drop of liquor? I can’t tell you the moment I fell in love with you, In fact, I hadn’t realized how deep I fell until the first time you broke my heart -- unknowingly. It was when I defended your name and ran straight back to you that I knew -- I wasn’t just addicted to you, I was -- I am in love with you. You’ve been there anytime I needed you -- Whether I called or texted at midnight, Whether we were on campus, Or I had just gotten into a car accident, You’ve been there. So many words have been exchanged, So many looks and so many actions, All of which have led me to believe you felt it too. But if you truly did, why do I feel this way now? But if you didn’t, why did you say and do all the things you’ve done? Can you see where a girl who’s so in love with you may be confused? Your dark hair and bright blue eyes, The scratchy facial stubble that lines your sharp jawline -- Your thin lips Do you even realize how heartbreakingly beautiful you are? I’m left though, with this aching feeling in my chest -- An ache that only wants you and I’m searching, Searching for a road that leads to your heart. Because I know it’s there -- I know you have to feel something too, because I can’t allow myself to believe everything was for nothing. Look my in my eyes and tell me, Tell me we haven’t been so good for each other. Tell me your world didn’t get a little brighter and a little less lonely the day I stumbled into; Of course in true fashion, I was late -- but I still showed up. Tell me you’re completely okay with breaking my heart. Then maybe I’ll be able to let you go. But let me tell you this, I believe that on some level you and I do belong together. Whether it be as lovers or just two really good friends -- I believe we belong together. Maybe it’s not in the way that I want, But what can I say? Not having you around would hurt a million times more.

[adventureis--out-there]

Which Will It Be?

Every night my mind is flooded with images of you.

I close my eyes and I can imagine thin lips brushing across mine,

My mind doesn’t let me forget that it isn’t real,

But holy fuck does it leave me breathless every time as though it were.

I think of short digits combing through shaggy brown hair,

Fingertips brushing over scratchy facial stubble that runs along a sharp jawline.

Fingers that run along my skin, igniting a fire within every inch they touch.

I am so consumed with how I dream you could feel.

It’s more than just the physical that my mind lingers on.

I think of soft thin lips curving into a smile,

A musical note of laughter expelling from those same lips.

Bright blue eyes dance with mischief that I find oh so endearing.

Strong arms that wrap around my body,

A warm embrace that makes you feel like home.

I crave the innocent parts of you

Like a cold night craves the warmth of a flame.

So unattainable,

Like a cigarette I lit but never got the chance to hit.

I imagine the taste of you,

As I coat my lips in the sweet relief of alcohol.

Vodka numbs the ache of wanting you,

An ache that runs deep into my bones, through every crevice of my body.

Bright blue eyes reveal the depth of heartache,

A heartache that keeps you just out of reach from anyone.

Maybe I’ve become addicted to you,

To the way you bring light into my world which I’ve allowed to be shrouded in darkness.

Or perhaps,

It’s something far deeper than any addiction.

I never needed to touch you intimately to feel it,

I never needed to see you undressed to desire you,

All it took was bright blue eyes and a smile,

To make me fall in love with you.

Every night my heart aches, reaching out for yours.

I try to find the words and stumble on them

Just as I stumble on my feet when I’ve had one too many shots of liquor -

Each shot for you.

I think of everything you deserve,

And everything I deserve,

And I think of what an excellent pair we two make

But I can’t think of an answer.

An answer to - how do I tell you everything I feel?

How do I give you my heart without it falling into pieces?

How do I tell you the heat of desire I feel in the pit of my stomach?

And what if it’s all for not?

I fall asleep,

The images of you touching my skin,

The images of you knowing everything I feel,

All flood my mind.

Sometimes, a tear is shed,

Because I don’t know what to do,

Because I don’t know how to tell you the things that I feel

And you don’t know how agonizingly frustrating that can be.

I feel it in every bone of my body,

The way that I love you

And I wish I could get rid of it sometimes,

But you’re like an alcohol I can’t let go untasted.

So I fall asleep,

Conflicted in every way but one -

I love you and surely, that is going to fuck me up beyond repair -

Or it will be the best thing I’ve ever felt.

So tell me darling,

Which one will it be?

[adventureis--out-there]

My Hero

(I wrote this as a commemorative speech for my speech course and I think it’s honestly one of -- if not the best -- thing I’ve written thus far)

Close your eyes. Count to three. One. Two. Three. It’s a new day, wipe away all of the negativity. Now open your eyes. It’s a fresh start on this day. That’s how my grandpa would turn around my days whenever I had a bad one. Young me would come running out of school in an overdramatic fit probably about once a week and the first thing I would ask my mom was if I could call my grandpa because I knew he could make things right in my world again -- even with just a simple phone call. That’s just one of the many things I loved so much about him.

My grandpa was an incredible man, he had a heart of pure gold. He loved so deeply and cared for everyone around him in a near indescribable way. Above all, the way he loved my grandma was something I could never forget. I grew up on Disney films, grew up watching the fairy tales unfold on screen but there’s something every Disney film failed to capture. Love isn’t just about taking someone when things are great and magic is in the air, love is choosing someone over and over again despite how hard things may get and that's what really makes love as beautiful as it is. I would watch as my grandpa poked fun at my grandma just to see her get worked up. He would tease her to no end which naturally would cause a great annoyance on her end. She would scuff and roll her bright blue eyes at him and say “Oh, Don. Stop it.” Even in times like these when she had had enough of him in the moment, I remember so clearly my grandpa staring at my grandma across the table with a goofy smile on his face and proclaiming just how beautiful she is. The love my grandparents shared was unlike most, it was special and unique. There wasn’t a day my grandpa didn’t look at my grandma as though she was the brightest thing in the universe. That’s what real love is and it’s not Disney and fairy tale romances that made my standards for love so high; it was the way my grandpa loved my grandma. I would consider myself so lucky to find a love that was even half of what my grandparents had. From their teenage years to the very end -- sixty years -- they loved one another.

My grandpa certainly didn’t make it hard to love him though. There are some people in this world who shine brightly. My grandpa was always that person in the room that everyone was drawn to; people would sit around and listen to his stories for hours, everyone would stop talking just to listen to what he had to say, and everyone around him always wore a smile. They say that some people are lights in this world that at times is so dark -- I can say first hand that this is true, because my grandpa was one of those people. I specifically remember always asking my mom if my grandpa could be the one to go with me on field trips instead of her -- hopefully she never took offense to this. One specific trip though stands out to me above all the rest, we went to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science and my grandpa tagged along. He was so full of jokes and so full of energy, everyone wanted to be in our group and I remember my fellow classmates telling me how great my grandpa is and how lucky I was to be related to him between all the laughter he had sparked. What makes my heart ache when I think about this time, was the fact that I don’t think I ever truly understood how lucky I was. I certainly knew I was lucky, but I think a part of me always took some of that for granted.

He was the whole families rock, he was there on the bad days and on the good ones. Even into high school, when I was no longer young and naive and closing my eyes to restart the day no longer worked, he still found a way to turn my bad days around. Every Thursday, before I could drive myself he would pick me up and take me to 7-11 where we would get slurpees -- Coke slurpees specifically because he didn’t like any of the other flavors and quite frankly, neither did I. He would listen to my problems and highlights from my day all the way home and never offered anything but the best advice. It’s so hard to find someone with such a pure heart, who works incredibly hard and is always there, but somehow I got lucky enough to be related to one of those people. I can only hope to be even a fraction of a light in this world that my grandpa was.

I remember one day, I hadn’t been working at Starbucks for more than a month or two when my mom called my store in tears. She told me that my grandpa was taken to the hospital and she wanted me to get there as soon as possible. I remember my coworkers -- who at the time I hardly knew -- insisting that I leave and not worry about what was going on there. I’m still grateful for that. I remember feeling numb; what exactly are you supposed to feel when you hear something you hadn’t been expecting? Of course, when you look at the grander scale of life you know to expect that those around will leave at some point but never would I have thought it would come then. I had always just expected that my grandpa would be there to see me graduate from college and to see me one day get married to hopefully a man who loves me the way he loved my grandma. Nothing felt real in that moment.

My grandpa did something incredible that night though -- even as he laid on that hospital bed, unable to speak, unable to wake up, attached to what seemed like every sort of machine the hospital had; he brought together a broken family. Siblings who hadn’t spoken to each other in years, stood hand and hand around the hospital bed, cousins who grew up best friends but were forbidden contact with one another due to petty adult drama that none of them could understand at the time held each other for support as though there hadn’t been years separating them. It was only a few days later that my grandpa left us, but he held on and stayed until the fractures began to heal and the broken pieces of a family who lost each other began to mend back together. Even in his last days, he healed, he loved, and he spread light.

Close your eyes. Count to three. One. Two. Three. Now open them. It’s different now. There’s no reset, no do over, there isn’t a quick fix to mend that sort of heartbreak. Not a Coke slurpee and not closing your eyes. Learning how to fix the wound of loss seemed near impossible without my grandpa around to fix it, but my grandpa has inspired me in a million and one ways, he’s shaped me into the person I am today. I like to think that I can try to live in the same way that he did and tell stories about the man he was and in a way, that makes it almost seem like he’s still here. My grandpa was one of a kind and he was my hero.

[adventureis--out-there]

A Few Words For You

"Is it cool that I said all that?

'Cause I know that it's delicate."

- Taylor Swift, Delicate

I'm not a religious person. I'm not going to pretend I am. While I may not be religious, I do believe that there is something bigger than this world. Whether that be a God, fate, or some kind of magic, I firmly believe there's something there. Why? Simply put, some things are too strong of a coincidence to be just a coincidence. I'm a believer that the universe gives you exactly what you need when you need it. I remember recently, when I was going through a heartbreak the guy behind the breaking of my heart told me "it may not be clear now, but there's a reason for everything and someday that reason will be clear." I hate to admit it, but he was right. I needed to have my heartbroken by him to learn how to make myself happy without needing someone else. So yes, the universe does give you what you need when you need it. It knows.

Somehow, the universe knew I needed you.

I remember the day I met you pretty well. It was the Friday of the first week of school - don't be flattered just yet, I remember that exact day because I woke up entirely pissed off I couldn't keep my shit together for one whole week. But, that's just who I am -- a mess; a mess you seem to be okay with dealing with. It almost seems fitting I met you in that way. I often think about moments like this because the universe never ceases to amaze me. So many things could've kept me from meeting you: had I been on time, had I decided to just skip class because I was late, had I not found a parking spot closer to campus than I usually park. Let me tell you, the way it worked out was more than just luck because I'm not lucky like that. The universe was doing me a favor that day.

To be quite blunt, I really didn't notice you when I met you. Like I said, don't be flattered just yet. I was stuck in my own world and my own head and I didn't notice much of anything. What did stick out to me though, was the way you asked me to stick around. This took me by surprise, I wasn't used to anyone asking me to stick around. I'm awkward, I'm a mess, I'm loud, I'm all over the place -- all qualities I've learned to be proud of, but most people look at me like a hurricane and move on rather quickly. You said "You should stay there. Keep me from getting lonely." Listen, I thought that was odd. It certainly was never a way I tried to make friends, but I appreciated the oddness, so I decided to stick around and I'm quite glad I did.

I don't think you know this, but I was completely damaged when I met you. I've only told you a fraction of the story. I remember one of our first real conversations, you were trying to get to know me better and asked me how I was -- how I REALLY was. I didn't know you that well and so I faked it and said I was great. I faked it until I trusted you and was able to tell you I was a bit broken when I met you. I was downplaying it then. It was hard for me to articulate it -- honestly, it's hard for me to put a lot of things into words properly when it comes to emotions. I'm a writer, so the words come to me best when I write. Speaking though, I tend to have trouble with. I had actually never told anyone about how damaged I was when we met. Some people knew about as much as I had told you but it wasn't until very recently that I opened up about the shit I was going through.

I wasn't really a person when I met you -- let me explain. I had lost myself and I had gotten in a bad habit of pinning my happiness on others. I had reached the final straw soon after we met. I remember sitting next to you in class one day, fighting with the same guy over text. You probably didn't know I was ten seconds away from crying. I had been making excuses for him for over a month and that fight struck the last nerve I had. I had texted him and told him that I was tired of being hurt by him and I was tired of the back and forth. I was tired of getting hurt and having him apologize only for him to turn around and do the same thing he had apologized for again. I was cutting a tie that day and it hurt. I don't give up on people, that's not who I am -- but I finally came to a point where I had to end it for the sake of who I was. I was lost and I finally decided to find myself again and make my own happiness.

You probably don't know this either, but you've made it rather easy. Don't take this the wrong way but I'm not going to credit you for my happiness. I've learned how to be happy on my own, but I do credit you for continually making me happy. It never hurts to have someone around who can make you smile and make your day. I'm still working on making myself happy, some days I struggle and I think that's apparent but you do a pretty good job of putting a smile on my face with little effort. When I tell you you're a ray of sunshine, I mean it. You found me when I was broken and shed some light back into my life while I figured out how to make myself happy again. It hasn't been easy and you have no clue how much of a supporter you have been because I haven't told you.

There's no arrangement of twenty five letters that can accurately depict how much you've impacted my life and how much you mean to me.

I was used to people constantly being upset with me. I was used to disappointing people and fighting with people. I was used to being brushed off. I had just gotten done being told by that same person that he didn't have time for me. That had become my normal. I cannot tell you how shocked I had become by your actions. You wanted to talk to me. You wanted to be around me. You even complimented me. It still amazes me, to be quite honest. I keep waiting for the day you decide to peace out; but I don't think that's who you are. My past experiences just tell me otherwise; which is why sometimes I get overly emotional. There's a part of me that's absolutely terrified by the attachment I've formed with you. It was -- and still is -- amazing to me how well you fit into my life. It doesn't feel like I've only known you for three months. It feels like I've known you for much much longer. Truth be told, when I met you, it never occurred to me that your heart could be in the same condition as mine.

I never thought to look deep enough into those bright blue eyes to see the loneliness you were asking me to keep you from upon our first meeting.

You opened up to me and I realized we aren't all that different. I had just assumed you were this cool guy who was friends with everyone campus and super outgoing and super happy. I guess this is why we don't assume things, but you probably could've assumed the same about me. We both did a pretty good job at putting up a front at first. When you did open up to me, I understood where you were coming from and I wanted to lend you a hand in helping you find your way back to happiness. This, I tell you all the time. I try my best everyday to make you smile at least once because you've done more for me than you'll ever know and you deserve the same -- probably even more.

If you could see yourself through my eyes, I don't think you'd even recognize yourself.

I understand this though. When you're beat down by life like that, it's hard to understand what you're worth and what you deserve. Let me tell you, you deserve the entire world and you're pretty damn priceless. I'm not sure you remember this, but in the speech I wrote about my grandpa that I shared with you, I talked about how there are very few people in this world who are lights and they just brighten up whatever room they're in because of who they are, I firmly believe that you're one of those people.

Maybe it's the way we connected through a mutual unspoken loneliness that bonded us so quickly. I know this is long and wordy, and hell maybe this doesn't even make any sense, but this is me doing my best to thank you for being you. Thank you for sticking around even though I can be entirely crazy and all over the place a majority of the time.

My muse to write always comes from other people and this time the muse is you.

I'm writing this because I always find myself trying to tell you how important you are to me but I never feel that I get the point across. I feel like I always miss the mark, but this is my best attempt to articulate it. I'm writing this to give you a painfully honest insight into how you've impacted my life and who I was - or wasn't - when I met you. I'm writing this to tell you I believe you deserve the world and I believe you're going to become someone even more incredible than you are now. I'm writing this to tell you that I know it's hard to find your footing again, but I'm here to help you in anyway that I can because you deserve happiness more than most people I know and if there's anything I can do to help you find, I plan on doing so.

So yes, the universe does give you what you need when you need it. The fact that you're around is enough proof of that for me. I think I owe the universe a rather large thank you for this one. I'm not really a lucky person, I typically have the worst of luck but I got lucky enough for the universe to decide I needed you around.

[adventureis--out-there]

We’re All Just Stories

"So do it then," she said with eyes glittering as she looked up at him through thick lashes. "Break my heart. Give me a story to tell." Because she knew that in the end, we're all stories anyways. When we're gone what's left of us other than a collection of stories? The stories we tell others have the ability to live on through someone else -- even long after we're gone. Our words remain with those around us and those who will come after us. Maybe some of those words get lost in translation and the story becomes a little skewed but there's still someone to tell your story. Think of the times you've sat around a table with your family -- some you may know exceptionally well and others you may struggle to even remember their name (but lord knows they remember you and they reminisce about the times you were so small and could hardly form a sentence -- times you can't remember, but there's always a story that accompanies their remembrance) and they tell you stories of their relatives -- sometimes even stories their relatives had once told them about a relative they had never met either. Our physical being disappears but we still live on -- we live on in the stories everyone who knew our name and everyone who cared enough to listen to us tell. We live on in the hearts of everyone who once loved us -- even those we parted ways with, after all once you love someone they tend to remain in your heart forever. Yet people want to claim that forever doesn't exist -- simply look at all the people that live inside your heart; some you may not have spoken to for ten years but it's all the same you still care, still hope they're happy, still hope they're doing well, and chances are...so do they. We are all stories and the writers of the world do their best to capture these stories -- after all, if a writer falls in love with you, you never really can die. The muse to tell stories has to come from somewhere -- more often than not that muse comes from another human. It's incredible really. So, as she stares up at the man she loves knowing what's about to come next, she's not afraid of it because it may hurt now but in six months -- maybe a year, maybe even two, this moment will be just another story for her to tell. Yet, it doesn't stop the pain -- it doesn't stop the physical ache in her chest as she waits for the blow. Her heart is already prepared for it, forming the cracks ahead of his words. It's amazing really how emotional pain can hurt far worse than physical pain. There's no escape from the ache inside your chest, there's no prescription that can numb it -- you simply go on, and wait on time to ease it; wait for the day the ache subsides and you are ready to tell your story.

[adventureis--out-there]

Defining Your Happiness

“Sometimes a flame must level a forest to ash before new growth can begin.”

- Splintered, A.G. Howard

       I'm not the same person I was at the beginning of the year -- hell I'm not even the same person I was four months ago. This change though, isn't by any means a negative one. I lost myself, I forgot my passions and I was broken beyond recognition. 

       I can sit here and point fingers at this person and that person and place the blame on everyone else. That's not the truth though. While there are certain people who contributed to the breaking of who I was, at the end of the day when I'm being honest, the person at the root of the problem was myself. I was at fault for breaking my own heart repeatedly. 

     I can't pinpoint the exact moment when I lost myself, but it was probably around the same time I started defining my happiness by other people instead of myself. It was evident within my relationships -- even with family, that I just wasn't the same girl I was once. It's probably because I put my happiness on people who didn't need that kind of responsibility placed on them. That's what I mean when I say I'm the one to blame. I was asking for it. If that wasn't bad enough for who I was, I decided it was my responsibility to make everyone else happy. That's when things became disastrous. I lost myself entirely, I held onto people that sucked the life out of me and I spread myself way too thin for the sake of others.

      I wish I could say I knew where the downward spiral came from. It was certainly rooted within the heartbreak I had experienced at the end of 2016. I allowed the person who broke my heart to remain in my life, because that’s what I do. I forgive and forgive and forgive some more. For an Aries, I’m not very good at holding grudges. Another factor in what pushed me over the edge was probably the pressure put on me by society to answer the question “What do you plan to do when you graduate?” The truth is, I had no real idea -- I still don’t really know, if we’re being honest. I have too many passions to pick just one path for myself. In fact, I felt so trapped by this question that I almost dropped out of school entirely. I almost decided to call it quits after my first year at Regis University. If I couldn’t answer the question, what was I even doing in school? The question was suffocating me and it took me some time to realize that it’s okay that I don’t have that answer. I want to do many things; voice a Disney princess, write movie scripts, sing, and so on. I realized though that there was something in common between all of the things I want to do; I want to be someone who means something. I don’t mean I want to just be someone who’s important to their family, I want to be a light in a world that can be so dark. Whether I light up a kids day because they watched their favorite Disney movie and I’m the voice of that princess, or I touch someone’s life with the music I make. I want to be someone and for now that’s a good enough start. I thought that having come to terms with my lack of an answer to one of life’s most daunting questions that things would be okay; but I forgot to mend a broken heart in the process and I allowed too many things to build up; fights with my best friend, allowing a person to lie to me continually, fights with my family, and desperate attempts to distance myself from everyone.

      I don't cry in front of people, I hate it. In fact, my best friend of ten years has only seen me cry a handful of times. I reached a point though where I was too broken to care. One day, my friend said something to me that made me realize why it is that I hate crying in front of people. Up until this point, I had been doing a good job at pretending I was fine -- even though everyone around me could tell I wasn't. The charade wasn't for them, it was for myself. Maybe that's why I hate when people lie to me so much -- I spent so long lying to myself. Anyways, he had made a joke that normally I would have laughed at but I didn't have it in me so instead, I just glared at him. It was then that he asked me if I was okay. Something about that question made the facade break entirely. It was a moment of being okay until someone asked if you were and suddenly okay was a foreign feeling. I burst into tears without meaning too but I also didn't really care anymore. The next day he asked me if I was doing better. I lied and said I was doing a lot better -- but the lie again, was for my sake and not his. He followed this up with “You're normally the happy one. That worried me.” Had there been anything left of me to break in that moment, I think that would've done so but instead I realized that that was why I always felt I needed to be okay and why I never wanted to cry in front of people. I was always the happy one, always the one so well put together -- I didn't break. That wasn't who I was, except ironically, it was who I had become.

       I shut down entirely after that moment. My relationships with everyone were falling apart because I didn't know what else to do other than distance myself entirely. I even caused damage to the relationship I had with my mom. Yet, I still went out every night for the sake of pleasing those around me. It never worked though. I was tired. I would go out one night with a couple people just to have a few others offended I didn't go out with them or invite them. So, I'd go out with them the following night and upset more people for the same reason. My mom was upset that I was never home. My dog didn't want anything to do with me because I was never home. My dad was upset with my behavior because of the way it affected my mom -- rightfully so. It was a cycle of trying to please everyone and in the end only upsetting everyone and damaging myself more.

      Who I was, was completely gone by the time May rolled around. I had lost the desire to do the things I loved, I didn't talk to people the way I used too and I was just done. I didn't know how to fix the mess I had made of myself. I was lost and I didn't even know where to begin to find myself. I thought maybe the summer would be the time for me to fix myself, but it was the summer that showed just how much I had actually lost my mind.

       I went on a trip to Arizona to see one of my best friends graduate, a trip I almost cancelled because I just didn't care anymore -- at least for the most part. The little part of me that did still care told me I needed to go to Arizona and support my friend. I needed to make her happy, because I couldn't make myself happy so I had to try and make someone else happy. I went to Arizona and met a boy. Yeah, I know. After everything, you'd think another boy was the last thing I needed. Unfortunately for me, I was so desperate to feel anything but the emptiness that I let my desperation cloud my judgement -- and the alcohol probably had something to do with it too.

       He had made me laugh a few times and we got along well so I clung to that feeling. I felt happy again that night in Arizona. I was surrounded by friends I hadn't seen in a year, I was far away from what I thought was the root cause of all my issues (turns out though, you can't run away from yourself), and I was receiving some flirty attention from a boy who was quite cute. I deluded myself into thinking he could help fix me, which is where I went wrong once more. He simply caused pain and more heartache instead.

       Although, I wasn't entirely wrong about him. Something about the situation did fix me -- it made something in me snap. Look, I know I was dumb to allow myself and my naive heart to get involved with someone who lived twelve hours away, but I had starved myself of human connection and emotion. Even as a writer, I find it hard to arrange twenty five letters in the right way to express how I had felt. I could go through the motions of the day and laugh a few times and pull out a smile but at the end of the day, when I was alone again all I felt empty. I wasn't necessarily sad and I wasn't mad, but I was so far from happy. There's no real way to understand the feeling unless you've felt it yourself.

        This boy though, we would talk all the time, I opened up to him, he opened up to me. I felt that he genuinely cared -- and I still don't think that he didn't care, I just think that maybe there was an expiration date on it. They say that the universe gives us exactly what we need when we need it. Thinking back on how things went down, I couldn't pinpoint why the universe would think I needed that, why after all the other shit I had gone through this year that I needed this on top of everything else. It's only now that I understand why I needed it. I let things play out, I let my heart be fooled into thinking there was something there. I let my heart ignore the twelve hours between us and the communication issues that began to arise.

       I continued to put on a facade, pretending everything was fine even as things were falling apart. Summer was coming to an end, the warmth and comfort of summer slowly being replaced by the cool autumn air, and along with the end of summer, came the end of something I had thought was great. Listen, I'm not going to sit here and bash him and say he was a terrible person and wasted my time, because despite everything and the complete heartbreak he had caused, I cared about him. I'm the type of person that when I care for someone, I'm all in. It doesn't matter to me, everything in my life is so black and white. I don't know what grey is. I never have. When I care though, I'll make excuse after excuse for someone when they hurt me just because I've seen the good in them and I don't want to let that go. Someone could drag my heart through the mud and I'll still say that they didn't intend to hurt me in that way. I don't want to call this a flaw because it's not a flaw to care about people but it is a dangerous game to care too much -- and unfortunately for me, I always do.

       I tried my best to keep things together and fit pieces of a puzzle together that just didn't belong, which is a bad habit I seem to have. This time though, something was different. Something inside me finally snapped. When someone tells you they don't have time for you, there's just something in you that snaps, or perhaps I had finally reached a point where I could open my eyes again. In that moment, I realized what I was worth. I realized I was worth more than this and deserved a hell of a lot more. I give my all to people, I'll go out of my way to make someone I care about smile. It's just what I do, and I realized that I deserved the same. I don't deserve someone who only talks to me in their free time, or someone who makes excuse after excuse. I deserve someone who sees me for what I'm worth, and that’s a lot.

       Although, I suppose I couldn't expect anyone to see what I was worth when I didn't even see it myself. I finally did though. I can’t tell you what exactly about this moment made me wake up, pushed me through the fog I was sleepwalking through; something just clicked inside of me. I was done being heartbroken and I was done making excuses for people who didn’t deserve it. More importantly, I was done allowing myself to feel this way and I was done taking everyone else down with me. I finally realized that my happiness cannot be dependent upon other people, I have to be the one who makes my own happiness. Everyone has their own shit, they don't owe me anything. I also learned that trying to make everyone else happy would only result in disaster. You can’t make everyone happy all the time and that’s okay.

I am not saying that you shouldn’t make others happy and I’m not saying you shouldn’t let someone else make you happy. Do it. Make someone smile, make their day -- allow them to make you smile; let people in like that. Just don’t pin your happiness on someone else, that’s when you lose control of things. Trust me, I know. I tried to pin my happiness on too many people and I ended up worse off every time. I’ve finally decided that I need to be happy for me and I need to know my own self worth to do so. Let me tell you, it’s not easy. It’s hard to put yourself first sometimes, it’s hard to say that you deserve more when you care about someone, but in the end the only person you’re really stuck with forever is yourself. You can remove yourself from any and all relationships that are toxic, but if the relationship you have with yourself is toxic...that’s something you just can’t run away from and it’ll bleed into every other aspect of your life.

I’m not going to sit here and say that I’m perfect at this. I still have a couple areas in my life in which I’m not entirely happy, but I allow myself to remain there for the sake of other’s happiness -- but that’s a story for another time. The difference this time though is, I am happy in other areas of my life and I’ve kept the good people close. I also recognize the situation in which I am unhappy. I’m still learning to put myself first, but I’m making progress.

I’m not writing this so someone can read this and learn from my mistakes. I’ve been preached to my whole life about knowing my self worth and loving myself, but it’s not a lesson that can be taught through someone else. It’s one that I had to experience on my own to understand. So instead, I write this to share my story and let even one other person know that it’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to struggle with understanding your worth. I had to break myself down entirely. I had to lose who I was and burn down my forest so I could grow back a little bit wiser, a little bit new, and a whole lot stronger.

[adventureis--out-there]

One Mistake is All it Takes

(Alright. This one I wrote a couple years ago for a scholarship but I thought it turned out rather good so...)

Alissa sat in her glittering red Jeep Liberty outside of her best friend Flynn’s house, her small hand beating at the horn incessantly as she desperately tried to get her friend to hurry up. Flynn strolled leisurely out of his house, his floppy brown hair a disheveled mess atop his head. A lopsided grin was perched on his thin lips as he strolled towards her car, the leisurely pace of his stride only caused the young girls agitation to grow.

               “Will you please hurry up? It’s already ten pm. We should’ve been there half an hour ago!” Alissa’s voice was laced with all the annoyance she felt as she shouted out the open passenger door.

               “Relax, Lis. People never show up on time to parties,” Flynn said smoothly as he slid into the car, the new leather seats squeaking against the rough material of his faded jeans. Alissa looked down at her phone, blatantly ignoring Flynn’s comment. Her doe eyes widened as she read three missed calls and six missed text messages. She groaned inwardly as she gave her iPhone screen a quick swipe, opening the six messages from her mother.

Please text me when you get there.

Alissa, remember what I said about not drinking and driving. If you feel the need to drink at the party, call me. I will come and get you.

Wasn’t the party at 9:30? Why haven’t you texted me back yet.

Alissa, please let me know you made it safely.

Alissa, this isn’t funny.

               The young girl gave the slightest shake of her head as she read the last message. She muttered a few unintelligible thoughts under her breath before she opened her keyboard and began typing.

Relax, mom. I’m fine. Flynn was late. Again. Heading to the party now.

               She locked her phone after hitting the blue send button, setting her phone on her thigh as she put her car into drive. Flynn grinned as the overplayed “Cake by the Ocean” song came on the radio, his rough hands instantly reaching out to the volume knob to turn it up. Alissa rolled her eyes in a faux show of annoyance before a small grin broke out across her round face.

               “Flynn, you’re ridiculous.” Alissa shouted over the overly loud music but the amused expression on her face contradicted her words. The smile on her face only encouraged Flynn to start shouting along to the lyrics as they spilled from the speakers. Alissa looked over to Flynn, watching as her best friend did his best to dance in the front seat of her car. Unfortunately for him, he was six foot four and had limited room for movement in any vehicle.

               After a few moments of watching Flynn, Alissa realized she was slowly swerving into the next lane, her eyes quickly darted back to the road in front of her, her hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. Flynn was off in his own world, too into the music to realize anything had happened. The girl gave a quick shake of her head; nothing had happened she quickly reminded herself, it was 10 at night on a Saturday, and there weren’t many people on the road anyways. She relaxed once more allowing a hand to drop from the smooth steering wheel.

               The song ends abruptly as per usual and the station wastes no time in going to commercials. With a small groan, Alissa quickly turned down the music, scrunching her nose in annoyance as an ad for Nation Wide came on.

Flynn rolled down his window, resting his arm on the door, his elbow hanging out. He looked over to the girl in the driver’s seat, admiring the way her dark hair fell in wavy cascades around her shoulders. He had admired his best friend for quite some time now, the way she rolled her eyes at the stupid things he said, the way she laughed when he made a joke and the way she enjoyed life. Alissa looked over to him, her dark brows pulling together in a silent question.

               “Alissa, have you ever thought about life?” Flynn asked nonchalantly, his face an emotionless mask. Alissa simply blinked at him, confused by his question. “Like, what you want to do? Who you want to share it with?”

               “Flynn, we just graduated a month ago. What I want to do with life is all I’ve thought about,” Alissa stated. Her tone was very condescending, almost like the answer should’ve been obvious to him.

               “That’s not what I mean. I mean,” the boy paused as he debated his next words. “Have you ever developed feelings for someone you probably shouldn’t have?” This caught Alissa’s attention, bringing her gaze back to him instead of the dark road ahead of them.

               “Who’s the girl?” She asked with a sly grin, clearly ready to meddle in her best friend’s life. “Do I know her?”

               “Oh, you know her really well.” Flynn met Alissa’s gaze with his own. The intensity behind his hazel eyes took the girl off guard. She was about to respond when her phone buzzed on her leg. She held up a single finger in response, unlocking her phone to view the message from her mom.

Okay. Drive safe. I love you.

               The dark headed girl rolled her eyes but still smiled at the sentiment. She opened her keyboard and began typing.

I will. Love yo

               Flynn started shouting causing Alissa to quickly look up; her eyes met bright head lights. She tried her best to swerve, dropping her phone to the floor of the car with a shriek. It was too late; there was no avoiding the other car. She shut her eyes and let out a scream she couldn’t believe this was happening. She didn’t want to die; she had far too much life to live still. Just as the sound of metal crunching filled her ears, she could feel the steering wheel impact her stomach, the glass shattering around her. She released one last breath, trying to let out one last cry for help before the world went black.

               The glittering red Jeep was left unrecognizable; it was entangled with the silver hatchback that had been driving down the wrong side of the road at the wrong time. Smoke billowed from the gruesome scene, glass stained with the blood of the two friends and the drunk driver littering the dark streets alongside pieces of the two cars. Sirens filled the silent night as reports of a fatal accident came pouring in. Alissa’s mom, Linda, sat there that night waiting for a text that would never come from her beloved daughter. She would have to wonder for the rest of her life, had she not sent that text, had she not let her daughter go out, maybe just maybe she would’ve gotten another day with her.

[adventureis--out-there]

I Can’t Stop

(This is a short -- okay not short -- story I started a while ago and never got around to finishing. But, I felt the need to share it anyways. So for the unfinished-ness. Lol. Yes. It is highly based off that song Closer from the Chainsmokers. Don’t @ me.)

“I know it breaks your heart,

Moved to the city in a broken down car,

And four years no call,

Now I’m looking pretty in a hotel bar and I can’t stop.”

             The streetlights were shining so brightly in her rearview mirror that night as she drove down the darkened rode, leaving her small hometown of Boulder, Colorado behind her. The further she went, the more the streetlamps faded from sight, becoming nothing more than the stars that shone so brightly in the night sky. She kept one hand on the steering wheel lazily, resting her left elbow on the open window of her brand new Rover, bought for her by her parents. All four windows were rolled down; she reveled in the feel of the wind blowing through her long waves. It felt completely free, made her feel as though she would live forever if she just kept driving with the music blasting. Something about it made her feel like infinity was attainable.

           He entered the extravagant hotel, heading straight to the bar. His shoulders were slouched in the slightest as he drug himself behind the counter, not entirely prepared to deal with all the drunks that would wind up here by the end of the night. More often than not, he had to escort not just one or two, but several people out. That was just Vegas, he supposed. Every time a tall, long haired red head with unruly waves entered the bar, his heart nearly stopped every time. It had been four years since he had heard from her, but he simply couldn’t forget the girl’s restless spirit, the way she lived life like she would live forever. That night would forever live in his mind; there was something about that girl that he just couldn’t forget; even if she broke his heart in ways he didn’t think it could be broken.

           The ten hour drive from Colorado to Vegas seemed to fly by, she had left before the sun had risen, and now the lights of Vegas shone so brightly in the night. The sight excited her, making her heart beat a little quicker in her chest. The sights also made her chest tighten just a little bit; this was the place he had called home before he shook her world up in Colorado. His scruffy brown hair and deep brown eyes that captivated her in ways her soul has never been captivated before crossed her mind more than she cared to admit. Her heart couldn’t help but wonder if he was here once again. She ended it with him four years ago, her restless soul afraid of becoming too attached, she wanted to live life, she was so full of passion and he wasn’t sure where he was going in life, which was something that terrified her soul that was so full of wanderlust; and he had a drinking issue that she just couldn’t ignore.

           She pulled her large Rover up in front of the extravagant Excalibur hotel in Vegas, leaving all four windows down she stepped out of the vehicle, taking in the sights sounds and smells around her. Tilting her head back slightly, she took a deep breath through her nose, a wide grin spreading across her full lips as she released the breath. Casually, she dropped the keys in the valet’s hand with a small wink. The man looked at her expectantly; she had almost forgotten to pay. Reaching into the back pocket of her shorts, that were probably just a little too short, she pulled out a twenty.

           “Keep the change,” she said as she rushed into the hotel. Her crop top was slipping just slightly off her shoulder, enough to revel the infinity symbol she had tattooed in plain black ink. The words ‘Hakuna Matata’ were written in script inside the infinity symbol. She was fully aware of just how cliché the tattoo was, but what was life without a few clichés? She didn’t waste too much time, heading straight to the bar as she lifted the thin fabric of her shirt back into place on her shoulder.

           Pouring a margarita had become as easy as breathing for him; in fact he was pretty certain he could do it with his eyes closed. He places the glass on the counter for the woman in front of him. With a long, exasperated sigh he turned to the side where his attention was needed next. Admittedly, working in a bar like this was probably not so smart due to drinking issues. He had to wonder if those issues were the reason she left him, though her leaving only sent him into the arms of alcohol that much more.

           “One Martini please,” the voice spoke to him. His dark eyes were trained to the counter until the voice registered. He froze in place, his eyes slowly rising from the alcohol stained counter; traveling up the girl’s familiar stomach, the way her crop top fell off to the side, revealing her shoulder perfectly. He didn’t need to see the infinity tattoo to know it was there. Her red hair fell in waves, framing her face so perfectly. That’s when his eyes finally landed on his face. He could see the wonder in her face, mirroring what he was sure his face looked like as their eyes locked.

           She couldn’t believe it, the bartender was him. He was standing in front of her, after four long years. He looked the same, except for the dark circles under his eyes. She watched his familiar brown eyes light with recognition, the same eyes that always lit a fire in the pit of her stomach didn’t fail to light that fire once more. She waited, hoping for that familiar smile, waited for his thin lips to spread into a grin revealing his dimples, the dimples she would never admit she loved so much. It never came though, and she knew why.

           “Hi,” she breathed out the word and it felt like she was releasing a breath she had been holding for four years.

           “Aria. Hi,” he responded in the same fashion. She looked so damn beautiful it almost physically hurt him. Four years no call, and here she was looking pretty in a hotel bar. Neither of them spoke, he simply started on her Martini. What could he say to the girl who left him broken?

           Aria watched him so skillfully make her Martini, much like he used to when they were together. He was definitely on the skinnier side but she always admired the way his arms still looked muscular, his veins standing out every time he did something. His shaggy brown hair was still the same, a little bit frizzy and falling in his eyes but he pulled it off like no one could. He looked so good, just as good as the day she met him. Looking into those brown eyes she forgot just why she left him, she was insane.

           “How have you been, Asher?” She asked him as he set the glass before her, it was clear he was ready to turn away from her and move on.

           “I’ve been,” he hesitated, unsure of what to tell her. He thought he had been doing okay, but seeing her here now, maybe he wasn’t doing as well as he thought. “I’m still alive.” He opted out of letting her know that his drinking problems have persisted; in fact they’ve only worsened since she left. “What about you?”

           “I’ve been good,” she responded after a small hesitation. She had been living life freely and passionately, but seeing Asher here now, she wasn’t entirely sure her experiences had been complete without him.

           “What are you doing out here?” The words spilled from Asher’s thin lips before he could stop them, the words were as full of curiosity as they were accusation. He knew that she knew very well that Las Vegas had always been his home. So why would she come here? Was breaking his heart once simply not enough?

           “I wanted to get out. See a part of the world I hadn’t seen before. My parents just recently bought me car and told me to go satisfy my thirst to travel. So, I figured I’d start here. You always talked so highly of this place. I had to see the bright lights for myself,” she explained. Aria gave a shrug of her shoulder as she took a sip from the Martini in front of her. Looking at him, talking to him, it was enough to make her heart ache the way it did when she left him.

           “Satisfy your thirst to see the world?” The shortest of chuckles escaped Asher’s lips; it was more out of disbelief than humor. “I’m not sure that’s possible. You’re restless. You’re passionate. You’re always chasing after something.” Asher watched her blue eyes flicker to the counter for a brief moment. “It doesn’t matter what you have though, you always want what you don’t have.” This time, he could see hurt flash in her eyes, the same big blue eyes that made him fall in love with her from the start.

           “I’m sorry,” she spoke softly. Her heart was aching in her chest; it was a feeling only he could give her. Aria wanted him in this moment as badly as she did four years ago. It was like she was a candle and he was the only person in the world with a lighter to ignite her flame. It didn’t matter who she met, who did their best to win her affections, none of it mattered because not one of those boys were Asher. Before, she couldn’t put her finger on just why no one was good enough for her, but standing here now, she knew it was because of him.

           Aria couldn’t believe the need she felt for him, the feelings she still had for him. She looked at him intensely, watching him watch her, and remembered just how it felt to love him; just how it felt to have him tell her a joke, to have him smile his dimpled smile because she said something stupid, just how it felt to have his arms around her. Nothing in the world could compare to the way he made her feel, she was passionate about many things but there was something special about the passion that he made her feel.

           “You don’t have to apologize,” he said in response. His heart ached for her, with her. Asher loved this girl with every piece of his soul. It was incredible, really.

           “Will you go for a drive with me? Please? For old time’s sake?” Aria looked up at him with the wide blue eyes, so full of hope, so full of desire. There wasn’t a single bone in his body that could say no to her.

           “Sure,” he agreed after a moment’s hesitation. Aria’s face lit up, making his head spin. The lights of Vegas could in no way ever compare to her smile. Her smile could outshine the whole goddamn city. He slid away from her to let his coworker know he would be taping out early, she didn’t seem too pleased with this news but nothing was going to stop him from spending time with the woman who was permanently written on his heart. They could fire him if they wanted, he couldn’t care less. Stepping out from behind the counter, he held his arm out to her which she graciously took. Her touch was electrifying.

           Walking out of the hotel, her arm wrapped around his, was damn near exhilarating. She had forgotten just how it felt to be near him, to touch him, and she reveled in every second of it. She was certain the valet would be beyond annoyed with her, hell she had her car parked for thirty minutes. She could see the slight annoyance on the man’s face, just as she had expected, but he left the attitude out of the conversation which she appreciated.

           “If I remember correctly, it was your turn,” Aria teased dropping the keys to her brand new Rover in Asher’s hands. His brown eyes went wide, due to her remembering this little detail, or the extravagant car she wasn’t sure. She pulled her arm away from him, sneaking around to the passenger side of the car. The action was so familiar, almost as if it hadn’t been four years since they’ve done this.

           “Still keeping tabs?” He asked as he slid into the leather seat of the car. Aria had to contain a giggle watching Asher have to readjust the seat. He was a good five inches taller than her, making his reach for the pedals a little less difficult.

           “Always,” she responded after a moment of silence. The single word brought his attention back to her, which was when he flashed his dimpled smile. Her heart nearly melted. His thin lips were made thinner by the action, his top lip nearly disappearing. It took every ounce of self-control for her not to reach out and trace the curvature of his lips as she so often used to. Her eyes landed on his lips, the lips she had once memorized. She couldn’t help but wonder if they still felt the same, if they would still move against hers as perfectly as they once had. Aria tore her eyes away from his lips, realizing just how intensely she had been staring.

           Asher felt the slightest bit of disappointment when Aria turned her attention elsewhere. He took the moment to admire her just as she was him seconds before. Her red hair fell past her shoulders in waves that she always tried to control but could never quite perfect the technique. She had half her red hair pulled up in a messy bun atop her head, the rest of her hair falling freely. He had to keep himself from reaching over to brush her hair aside just so he could see the tattoo on her shoulder.

           “Where to?” Aria spoke, breaking the silence.

           “It’ll be a surprise,” Asher responded giving her a wink. Her stomach did flips at the gesture. How could one man be so damn perfect to her? Without a response, she reached for the aux cord hanging from the radio as he took off. She plugged her phone in, scrolling for a specific song – the same song that they beat to death Tucson. She hadn’t listened to the song since leaving him, but she could never delete it from her playlist. Finally she found it; Alone Together by Fall Out Boy.

           Asher’s heart nearly jumped out of his chest as he heard the familiar beginning of their song. He hadn’t listened to it in four years but he still knew every word. She began singing along, her voice always soothed him. He had always thought that she should be a singer, share her talent with the world. Nothing had changed. In fact, for a second he doubted the four years they spent apart. The moment was short lived though. He wasn’t foolish, he knew he didn’t know her the way he once did. At least he didn’t think so. A lot can change in four years, though she seemed to be the same person. Maybe they just weren’t getting older. With a shake of his head, he expelled the thoughts from his head to join her in singing along.

           Aria had her elbow resting on the edge of the door, the windows still rolled down. She ran her fingers through the ends of her hair, idly playing with her waves of red as she sang along to the song, almost as if she had never stopped. When he began to sing along, the smile that formed on her brightly colored red lips was involuntary, he never could hit the notes in any song but she always let him sing to her, it made her happy in ways she couldn’t describe.

           “I don’t know where you’re going but do you have room for one more troubled soul?” They sang in unison, locking eyes at the same moment, still so in synch after all this time. Aria couldn’t help the laugh that burst from her lips, not out of humor, but out of pure joy. The same dimpled grin that she loved so much appeared on Asher’s lips once more. Nothing had changed in those four years, she felt as though they were never getting older. The song came to an end, she let the next song on her playlist play, though she was half tempted to hit repeat the same way they did when they visited Arizona. They sat outside in his car, playing and replaying the same song all night.

           “Why’d you come back to Vegas after Colorado?” Aria asked, though she felt it was a dumb question. Vegas was his home.

           “I don’t know. It seemed like a good place to heal. Home is the one place you can always return to and rebuild, right?” Asher wasn’t sure it made sense, but he was in pieces when she left. He had to find a place he could safely rebuild himself piece by piece. He had thought for the most part that he had successfully done just that, but he knew a piece of himself had been missing. It wasn’t until Aria walked into that bar an hour ago that he found the piece he had been looking for. Once again Aria felt that same guilt in the pit of her stomach.

           It was evident that he had no idea that when she left him, when she broke him, she also broke herself. She had never met anyone like him, never met someone who just got her the way he did. It was that natural chemistry that she had with him. The kind of chemistry that makes you feel as though you’ve known the person your entire life. There was never any pretending with him, she could always just be herself. Although it wasn’t that easy from the start; she had known Asher for nearly two years before they ever dated. It was a constant back and forth; it was almost as if he was allergic to his feelings.

           There was something special about their connection and their relationship from the start. While she couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment she met him, though she wished she could – oh, how poetic that would be to be able to name what he was wearing, what he said – she just simply can’t remember a time when she knew him and didn’t think he was absolutely special. Two years she spent falling for him, she was in love with him way before he finally gave in to her.

           Asher spent much of those two years doing his best to not give in to her. He didn’t need the complication of a relationship in his life. He was nineteen – almost twenty when he met her, a relationship certainly wasn’t the thing he was most focused on in life. In fact, he was busy trying to figure out what exactly it as he was doing with his life. He knew she felt things for him, she was passionate and her eyes betrayed her every time she would look at him.

           It made him feel good to have her look at him that way. It didn’t seem fair though to let her look at him in that way when he knew he didn’t want a relationship. Yet, he didn’t want to break her heart – but maybe, there was more to it than he had originally thought. Maybe he simply didn’t want to push her away, maybe he was scared of losing her, maybe he didn’t want to picture a life without her passion, her laugh, her smile, and her attitude that was larger than life. As hard as he tried, she was the one thing that he couldn’t resist. Lord knows how he lasted two years resisting her, but once he gave in, he regretted spending that time fighting it.

           “You know, I was doing just fine before I met you,” Asher said after a few moments of silence. This startled Aria, the words didn’t feel good to hear. “But for some reason, I wouldn’t trade you or the time we had for anything.”

           “Asher, I’m sorry. I just hope you know that leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I loved you so completely.” Aria began, pausing as Asher pulled her Rover into an empty field. He parked it, allowing it to idle. It was probably a waste of gas, but she didn’t care. “But, you had no idea what you were doing in life. I have so many dreams, so many things I want to do, I was afraid I would be stuck in the same place forever if I continued to be with you. I thought it’d be easier to break it off sooner rather than allowing it to drag out to only have us form more of an attachment. It was getting to the point where I couldn’t picture life without you, Ash, and I couldn’t risk allowing myself to give up my dreams to be with you.”

           Asher stared at Aria for a few moments, taking in everything she had said to him. Maybe it made him an awful person, but knowing she had felt hurt over him the way he had over her comforted him. She also wasn’t wrong. He had no clue what he was doing, he was full of many ingenious ideas but he never went anywhere with them. Maybe it was just that he had commitment issues, but that never seemed to be an issue when it came to Aria. If he was being honest, he still wasn’t sure, even now that he was 27. It was hard to wrap his mind around the fact that he had known her for nearly ten years. Although, those four years they didn’t speak could hardly count.

           “I guess we ended up being more different than we originally thought.” Asher wasn’t sure how to properly respond to her and he knew that wasn’t a good response either but it was all he had.

[adventureis--out-there]

When Words Fail

"This is falling in love in the cruelest way. This is falling for you and you are worlds away."

- Come Back Be Here - Taylor Swift

 Love is not a fairytale -- it's not what we see in every Disney film. Certainly the notion is splendid and could make any girl swoon and wish for a love like that, but that's just not the truth. Love is not that easy and it's not that simple. Love is hard, it requires time and effort, it needs to be accompanied with a choice, it's so much more than joy and happily ever after. You can't experience love without experiencing pain, but all of that is what makes love so much more beautiful than any Disney film can make it out to be. Love will break you down and build you up. It will make you feel better than you've ever felt and it will also make you hurt more than you've ever hurt.

There's rarely a grey when it comes to love; or maybe it was just her. She never knew what grey was anyways. She either loved too hard or hated with a passion -- but it wasn't just in love that she felt this. It was all aspects of her life; she either slept too much or not at all. She either didn't eat all day or she had four meals. She never knew what grey was. So maybe for her, that's why love was always so black and white -- it felt indescribably incredible but it also broke her too. It didn't matter though, how hurt and beat down she had been by love, she never turned it away.

She was stuck for a while; maybe she bit off more than she could chew but she lost track of her happiness for a while. It felt like life was kicking her while she was down. She had her heart broken; that's what happens when you fall for pretty lies and refuse to see the ugly truth. She saw the good in people though and once she did that was all she could see. This boy dragged her heart through the mud numerous times and each time she made an excuse for him because she was afraid that once she turned away and let go of that good she saw in him, no one else would find it. People like that can only hold on to the good for so long though. She had a big heart, there was no doubt about that but she knew when enough was enough. Maybe, it took her longer to reach the breaking point than most people. Maybe instead of two chances, she gave five but she had enough respect for herself that she knew a line had to be drawn somewhere even if she had to hurt herself by letting them go. She was lonely, for a while after that - it felt as though she had no one around and because of that she allowed herself to fool her heart. Loneliness does that to a person, she even convinced herself she had feelings for someone when she didn't; which certainly is a dangerous game to play...but that;s a story for another time. 

She had overloaded herself -- took on more than she could handle. She stopped enjoying the things she did two months ago, she struggled to get out of bed, and she even stopped communicating with some of the people in her life that she communicated with daily. She was exhausted -- mentally and emotionally drained. She had to make the decision to disappoint herself and give just a little bit. She dropped some of the responsibility she had taken on for the sake of her own wellbeing. Even then, she kicked herself for giving in and giving up. She left herself disappointed and felt that she only kept disappointing everyone around her. She nearly made a decision to disappoint one more person -- one of her best friends. She couldn't do it though, she could disappoint herself all day but she couldn't disappoint her best friend so she got on a plane and left for the sake of her friend; regardless of her mentally and emotionally drained state.

That decision though, that changed a lot. It flipped so much upside down and made her feel a little less empty again. Not only did seeing some of the people she loved and adored dearly after nearly a year apart make her feel a little lighter but also being 700 miles away made her head clear up just a little bit. She didn't expect the small trip to improve her mental state really but what she really didn't expect was to meet someone who would completely spin her around and push her back to the girl she was before her heart was broken and she lost her way a little bit.

He did not catch her eye right away. I wish I could say there was some big romantic, he walked in the room and he was all she could see -- but, like I said love isn't a Disney movie. In fact, she was content to let the alcohol run through her veins and not say a word to him the whole night. After all, what did some guy she would never see again matter? The universe though, for some reason seemed damned and determined to bring these two together. She almost didn't catch her flight, she almost didn't go, she almost didn't say anything to him -- but the universe has a funny way of giving you what you need when you need it.

Even when he approached her and stuck up some small talk, she still didn't fully notice him. It wasn't until she stopped drinking the alcohol because she was so engrossed in their conversation and her mind became a little less hazy that she really noticed him. Alcohol has a funny way of making her giggle at everything, but she found that even after the alcohol was leaving her system the things he said to her genuinely made her laugh. For the first time in months, she was enjoying herself. She never enjoyed being touched, even by some of her closest friends -- something about being touched bugged her but when he touched her, when he placed his hand on her leg, she didn't want him to stop. It was an odd feeling, for sure. They talked for hours and for the first time in her life, she was being completely herself around someone she had just met. She didn't feel the need to put up a front and play nonchalant or be someone she wasn't when talking to him. There was some sort of natural chemistry that made her feel like she'd known him for years. Let me tell you, that is an addicting feeling and she knew it was going to mess with her. He left and she panicked. She didn't put herself out there and ensure she had a way to speak to him again and she was kicking herself for it. Some small part of her did not want that night to be the beginning and the end of their story. After all, how many times do you meet someone you just instantly click with? Love at first sight most certainly has to be a myth, but she believed in that click.

It didn't take her long to find a way to get in contact with him though. It wasn't until she hopped on a plane back home though that she spoke to him again. She began talking to him every day. You can't talk to someone every day and not get attached; so inevitably, she got attached and rather faster than she had intended. She wanted to know everything about him. She asked him questions about himself consistently and always wanted to know more. He was so intriguing, he was so smart, so funny and so good with his words and she was a writer so anyone who could use words the way he did was an instant appeal. He became a big part of the reason she had mentally and emotionally gotten back to herself. It was a weird feeling to be happy and content again, but she certainly wasn't complaining. Don’t be mistaken though, he was not her only source of happiness. It’s a mistake to allow someone to become the reason for your happiness. It is totally fine to allow someone to aide you in finding your happiness but never let it be contingent upon someone. Happiness is a personal choice -- not another person. She was thankful to him though, for helping her find that happiness again. 

Inevitably, she went back because she had to know for sure what she felt. He left her dizzy. There was something about him that she couldn't even put into words. She tried though, rather consistently. He never saw himself the way she did though and that was rather frustrating. How could someone that incredible, not see their worth? Talking to him could make her day; he could make her laugh so easily, something about him was unbelievably good for her.

She was afraid though; afraid that seeing him again would change something -- maybe she had more alcohol in her veins than she had initially thought last time. Maybe she had too high of expectations for him. Seeing him again though, it was like a breath of fresh air. The sound of his voice alone filled her stomach with more than just butterflies. She didn't know she could miss the sound of someone's voice until that very moment when she heard it again for the first time in two months. He blew her away completely -- her sober mind enjoyed his presence even more than her alcohol infused mind did. Her heart and her head were in the same place for once in her life -- both of them were telling her he was absolutely, incredibly good for her. They picked up where they left off and it felt so good to just be around him again.

She couldn't help but notice the small things like the way his eyes crinkled in the corners whenever he smiled and she loved it. Anytime she said something that could make him laugh or smile she felt her heart light up. His smile lit up the whole goddamn room. She memorized the way his lips turned up into a smile so bright that it could put the sun to shame and the way his eyes danced with a constant childlike amusement. He was so unashamed and so unapologetically himself and she absolutely adored that about him. He wasn't afraid to get up and dance in the middle of a wide open field and she admired that. She admired the way he spoke and the way he viewed the world and above all, she loved when she'd look away from him just to look back and find him looking at her. There was no denying it, he was attractive but it wasn't his face or his good looks that drew her to him -- it was his mind and his heart.

It began to rain on them and normally she would bolt and find a dry spot when it would rain but she would've sat there with him even if it had started snowing. The chemistry with him was something she had never felt with anyone. She had most certainly been in love before, but even then that didn't feel the way this did now. She found something in him that she didn't think she would find in anyone else. As a writer she had never had trouble finding the words to express her thoughts and feelings and it was something else entirely to meet someone who left her without words for once in her life. To a writer, being left wordless is far more impressive than being left breathless. She had been left breathless many times before, but never had someone managed to leave her wordless. That's when it became real.

She thought about kissing him every time he looked at her and smiled but she couldn't seem to find the courage to do so -- but lord knows she had never wanted to kiss anyone more than she wanted to kiss him. Something stopped her though and it took her leaving and hopping back on a plane to realize the twelve hours between them bothered her more than she initially thought. She had always had long distance relationships -- she had friends all over and even the relationship with her dad was more often than not long distance. She knew how to handle caring about someone who lived far away -- but she had never cared about someone who lived far away quite like this. She wanted to tell him how she felt; how he was the first thing she'd think about when she woke up and the last thing she thought about before falling asleep -- as cliché as that sounded. Or how for the first time in years, she decided to pray to God to thank Him for bringing him into her life and ask that she wouldn't ever have to lose him. Or how she thought he deserved the world and she wanted to give it to him, or how she was completely mind blown when he told her about his heartbreak -- because who wouldn't feel absolutely completely lucky to have his heart?

The universe was pretty damn insistent that this boy walk into her life, but she couldn't figure out why the universe would give her someone like this and put them out of her reach. That seemed like the cruelest joke of all. For the first time, it wasn't black and white, everything was grey except her feelings for him -- those were so painfully clear. She wanted him to know but didn't know how to express her feelings either there was no combination of twenty five letters that properly expressed how she felt -- how sometimes her heart ached because she missed the sound of his voice and she wanted to watch his lips curve up into the smile that could light up the whole room. How can science explain that feeling in your chest -- the physical ache when all you want to do is be with someone? Because I can't even find the words to explain that ache.

I have to wonder though how the universe can be so insistent upon bringing two souls together in the way that it did only for the miles between their two hearts to be a problem that couldn't -- and wouldn't give. Real life isn't a fairytale or a Disney film, it's harder, it will break your heart in a million different ways.

[adventureis--out-there]

The beat of the overly loud music thrums through me as I sit at an empty table, my hand tucked under my chin. My crystal blue eyes locked on my best friend Emily as she takes one too many shots. I let out a long drawn out sigh, sitting back in the uncomfortable fold up chair. How she found it in her to do shots at her own mother’s wedding is beyond me, but it’s still not as puzzling as how her mother hasn’t noticed. I reach under the table for my purple leather purse, plopping it on the table with thud.

               “Now, what are you doing?” The voice makes me jump. I look up, my eyes meeting Ash’s, my sort of boyfriend. We had gone on a few dates but we weren’t exactly a couple; at least not officially.

               “Looking for my phone,” I respond, fishing around the bags contents until my thing fingers come in contact with the cold surface of my phone. Ash’s hand grips my wrist lightly.

               “Now, Ari, would the bride be happy if she saw you on your phone?”  Ash’s tone is light and teasingly. I roll my eyes but can’t help the laugh that escapes my rosy lips.

               “I suppose not.” I pull my hand from the purse, dropping it back on the wooden floor. Ash holds his hand out to me, his dark eyes dancing with amusement.

               “Would you care to dance with me?” The boyish grin he flashes me is enough to halt any objections on my part. Ash is so heartbreakingly handsome with the dark eyes, disheveled black hair, and rugged build. Really, I wonder why he pays any attention to me at all.

               “I don’t see why not,” I say as I place my small hand in his. He leads me through the crowd of people to the dance floor with ease. I merely stare at him both awkwardly and expectantly when we come to a halt, surrounded by countless people dancing. I’ve never been one to dance. I can barely make it across a flat surface without finding something to trip on most of the time.

               “Oh come on, Ari, loosen up.” This provokes a scowl which in turn only makes him laugh. “Well that’s not a pretty face.”

               “Thanks Ash,” I snap storming away from him to where Emily sits at the bar.

               “Ari! Are you finally ready to loosen up? Your mom will never know!” Emily nudges a shot my direction, spilling half the contents of the glass as she does. Her brown hair, originally tied in an elegant bun, now falls in long waves around her shoulders. She winks at me, her round face flushed from the alcohol.

               “The next person to tell me to loosen up is getting kicked,” I snap at her. My harsh tone isn’t enough to wipe the drunken smile off her thin lips though.

               “Ari, I’m sorry,” Ash says startling me once more as he places a hand on my bare shoulder.

               “It’s whatever, Ash. I’m not in the party mood anyways,” I respond shrugging his hand off my shoulder. Emily’s wide hazel eyes watch our exchange with curiosity.

               “Hey, Ari. I need your help, come to the bathroom with me,” Emily says yanking me from my stool.

               “I am not holding your hair while you vomit every ounce of alcohol you just consumed,” I warn. She simply remains silent until we reach the bathroom. The quiet is almost unsettling after spending an hour in one of the loudest environments I’ve ever been in.

               “I was saving your ass from dealing with Ash and whatever it is he did.” She speaks in a tone that would convince me that she’s sober, if I hadn’t just watched her inhale alcohol like it was water.

               “He didn’t even really do anything. I don’t know, I just am not in the mood to party I guess,” I say with a shrug of my shoulders. I turn to the long mirrors, lined with gold, yanking my almost white hair out of its ponytail. My hair falls in long ringlets down to my waist.

               “Do you want to go home?” Emily suggests, bringing my attention back to her.

               “I mean, yeah. I’m not enjoying watching my mom flirt with that bartender guy.” I scrunch my nose up in disgust. “I know my dad left three years ago but still.” I shake my head letting out a long sigh. “Will you tell my mom and Ash I went home?” Emily simply nods her head, drawing me in for a much appreciated hug. “Thank you.” I waste no time exiting the wedding party, instantly feeling relief the second I do.

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[adventureis--out-there]

No More Neverland

       Just as I get comfy in bed my door cracks open, light spilling into the room. I hold back a groan as my mom creeps into the room. I know I shouldn’t be so closed off to my mom; after all she lost my dad too. In fact, it should probably make us closer. I guess I’m just too afraid of her leaving too. She silently sits at the edge of my bed.

     “Mom, if you’re about to do what I think you are, please don’t,” I say in the silence. Up until I was thirteen, the year my dad left, she told me stories about Peter Pan. Childish stories she claimed were true. It all started with my great great grandma, Wendy Darling. She was infatuated with Peter Pan, claimed to have gone to Neverland with her two brothers John and Michael. Wendy wasn’t the only one who claimed to have visited Neverland, Jane and Wendy the second have too. What’s worse though is my mom says she’s been to Neverland as well.

               “What do you think I’m about to do?” My mom asks, the offense plain her voice.

               “Tell me a Peter Pan story. I’m too old for childish bedtime stories, mom,” I say, a twinge of guilt swelling inside me. “I’m sixteen; I can’t listen to these stories anymore.”

               “Arybelle…”

               “Don’t, mom. Please. No more Neverland. It’s not real and I can’t listen to you pretend it is anymore.”

               “I’m trying so hard, Arybelle. I want to have a relationship with you again. I miss you.” The pain in her voice is palpable. “Why do you push me away? Your father may have left, but I didn’t. I’m still here. Don’t act like I’m not.”

               “Mom,” I start but I don’t know what to say. What am I supposed to say to the woman I’ve pushed away for three years?

               “Alright, I’ll go. No more Neverland. Goodnight.” She stands, exiting the room quietly. After she leaves, I find it hard to sleep. Tossing and turning, my guilt having washed over me like a tidal wave dragging me down until I was drowning in it. I yank one of my pillows over my head, desperately trying to drown out every part of my mind telling me to go make things right with my mom. After a good hour of desperately trying to sleep I give up, shoving the comforter off me to go make things right with my mom. My fingers encircle the cold brass knob of my door, though I hesitate for a moment.

               “Oh Miss Darling, where are you going?” I nearly jump out of my skin, turning around faster than I ever have in my life. My eyes take in the tall lanky boy standing at my window, a small light on his shoulder. I run my eyes up from his feet to his face; he’s dressed in all green, his hair a disheveled mess of red.

               “Who – who are you?” I stutter out, my hand firmly gripping the door knob behind me but I have a funny feeling I know exactly who this boy is. My eyes travel to the light on his shoulder and I suddenly realize it’s not just a light, it’s a fairy. “Oh my god. Mom!” I shout for my mom and within seconds the fairy is gone from his shoulder. I don’t even have time to wonder where she went before she’s yanking on my hair. “Ow! What the hell?” I swat at her but she’s too quick.

               “I would think you should know that.” He flashes a boyish grin at me, pulling the green hat from his head as he bows. “I’m Peter Pan.”

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[adventureis--out-there]

The Land of The Imagination

                                            Welcome to Neverland

               It had felt like the ship was going to sail through the brilliant night sky endlessly, then we finally reached it; the second star to the right. I stare with wide eyes as the ship slowly descends, landing smoothly in the vast water. Peter calls out something I can’t quite make out. The sound of a bell jingles in my ear and I jump the most I can against my restraints. My crystal orbs land on the tiny Tinker Bell. Her round features are a mask of smugness, which only increases my irritation. How could I not be irritated? I had literally been dragged from my room and forced to come here, to Neverland.

               “Welcome to Neverland, Arybelle,” Peter crows from behind me, yanking the ropes around me free. I scowl in return, not only at the use of my full name but at the rope burns I’m certain to get. I stand up, yanking my tank top down. It had risen uncomfortably high from the ropes and all the wriggling I had done.

               “Great. You got me here. Now what?” I place my hands on my hips, eyeing Peter with an agitated look; the same look my mom often gave me when I told her I didn’t want to hear anymore Peter Pan stories. Boy, would she be happy about this.

               “Now, to save Neverland.” He flashes his boyish grin at me only infuriating me more.

               “Oh sure, let me just wiggle my nose, maybe that’ll help.” His grin falters, confusion coloring his expression. I merely sigh, shaking my head as I stalk to the side of the ship. A soft gasp escapes my rosy lips as my eyes land on the beauty that is Neverland. For a moment my agitation is gone, replaced with wonder and amazement. The water surrounding the island is a stark blue, almost sparkling. The land is a deep green, filled with trees upon trees. From here I could see a beautiful waterfall, falling seamlessly into a pool of water that connects with the ocean; Mermaid Lagoon. I don’t know how I know it, but I do.

               I find myself eager to see more of the island, if this mere portion of Neverland is enough to take my breath away, I could only imagine what the rest of the island must hold. I quickly halt my thoughts, appalled by myself.

               “Beautiful, ain’t it?” Peter says, nearly causing me to jump out of my skin. “Would you like to see the rest?” He holds out his hand to me. I eye his hand for a moment before my gaze flickers to his face. I simply release a soft sigh of defeat before placing my small hand in his.

               “Who am I to say no to a tour of Neverland?”

[adventureis--out-there]

The Land of The Imagination

The Land of The Imagination is a novel I’ve been working on for a while now. It started out as a short story and I’ve been working on bringing more story to it and turning it into a novel.

What happens to Neverland, the land of the imagination, when technology begins to replace imagination? Neverland is home to all the characters ever created and imagined, they live and thrive as long as imagination is still left in the world. Unfortunately, as the years go on technology is beginning to replace imagination. Kids rarely use their imagination anymore; nowadays they simply sit on a phone and play games. Peter Pan, Neverland’s most iconic character, decides to take Neverland’s fate in his own hands by bringing Arybelle Darling, the one who holds the strongest imagination, to Neverland. Only, she’s not so much convinced that the problem at hand is real but rather believes it’s all a grand dream.

                                                 Mermaid Lagoon

               Peter had decided a few moments prior that taking me to Mermaid Lagoon would ‘lighten’ me up. I merely scoffed and rolled my eyes and yet, here I stand, beside the impish boy on a rock in the middle of the vast ocean. I have to admit, I am impressed by the sight of mermaids; so much so I almost dare to forget this is all a dream. The beautiful mermaids splash around, staring at themselves in mirrors, and giggling. After watching The Little Mermaid, I certainly didn’t picture mermaids as vain. The blonde mermaid stops her splashing about when her crystal orbs, much like my own, land on Peter.

               “Oh Peter!” She shouts wiggling her fingers in a flirtatious wave that for some reason really annoys me. Her high pitched voice calls the attention of all the mermaids and soon they’re all gathered at the base of the rock, fawning over the boy next to me. My gaze moves from the mermaids to Peter, trying to understand why they’re all so obsessed with him. Sure, he’s quite charming and if it weren’t for his unbelievable cockiness, maybe I’d be falling at his feet too.

               “Peter, did you miss me?” The dark headed mermaid asks, batting her thick eyelashes, a seductive smile perched on her pale lips.

               “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I mutter, mainly to myself but it causes Peter to laugh.

               “Who’s she?” The blonde mermaid asks accusation clear in her voice. In fact, I find I’m almost offended.

               “This is Arybelle Darling!” Peter announces causing me to groan inwardly.

               “It’s Ari. Stop using my full name. Thanks,” I snap my tone harsher than intended but after examining the smug look on his boyish features I decide I don’t feel bad.

               “Another Darling, Peter?” The strawberry blonde mermaid asks, definitely offending me this time. I open my mouth to object but I’m quickly cut off by another mermaid’s voice.

               “Surely you’ve got to run out of Darling descendants soon!” They take turns shouting offensive accusations at Peter and I find I’m about ready to lash out at the mermaids. As if he had read my mind, Peter stops me, slapping a hand over my mouth before I can throw comebacks to the mermaids that would get me thrown out of any church on a Sunday morning. 

               “Oh come on, girls. Ari here is going to help save Neverland!” Peter’s voice causes a silence to fall over the chatty mermaids. All their eyes turn to me now, no longer full of hatred or anger but instead full of curiosity; truly it’s unbelievable, but who am I to fight a bunch of mermaids? If I’m being truthful, I have to admit I’m thankful that Peter could defuse the situation so quickly. Peter quickly adds before they can start up once more, “Now, to talk about the more pressing problem at hand.”