aielylois

[aielylois]

in another life, I studied linguistics in this one, alas, I must settle for being a poet

[aielylois]

I've come to blows with love recently. and I realised that it's not love's fault. I was simply looking for the wrong answer. see, I've been blessed enough to be surrounded by love my whole life. my family, my friends, all people who I love and who love me. I know what being loved feels like. it's being seen and understood and accepted, whole and with heart. I know what loving feels like. warmth radiating from the core of my very being, soft smiles and gales of laughter.

I've been fighting with love recently. and I realised I shouldn't blame love. I was simply asking the wrong question. see, I got stuck on the word 'love'. the word that keeps being thrown around, bandied about, muddled up. the ancient Greeks had it right when they gave it different names. because the truth is, I kept asking 'what would it be like to be loved?' but what I really meant was 'what is it like to be wanted?'.

I've been bruised by love lately. and I realised it's not love that hurt me. I was simply seeking the truth. what is it like being the object of someone's affection? what is it like to be the first choice? I wondered what you'd look like in love and realised too late that I was asking the wrong question. what I meant was 'what is it like to be wanted by you?'

-ylm

[aielylois]

I mythologise my lover like Pygmalion sculpting Galatea like if I don't do it, someone else will and I don't know if my trembling hands can take it don't know if my poet's heart has the nerve to imagine a world where I am not holding you

[aielylois]

it took me so long to admit it to myself / that by the time I said it out loud / I was well versed / a song I knew the words to / a poem they could never read / but they were right / saying it out loud makes it real

saying it out loud sends a commitment to the universe / that I have laid down my sword and shield / put away my armour / unlocked my chest // I cannot curse fate for stepping onto my threshold / and dropping fresh devastations at my feet / I opened the door / after all

and yet

every time I walk away / every time I leave their sight / every time I am alone / it is the one question that floats to the surface / I have chased it all the way down to the depths / until I couldn't remember what the sun felt like / until I forgot what it was like to breath / until I realised all too late the weight of the truth

(it is called a 'crush' for a reason after all)

Do you really like them?

[aielylois]

"how did you get into writing" girl I was haunted by stories and the only way to exorcise them was to write them down

“how did you get into writing” girl nobody gets into writing. writing shows up one day at your door and gets into you

[aielylois]

my life is a fucking abbatoir / my name, my pronouns, my identity - all lambs to slaughter / my name, once so lovingly crafted / now hacked up / shucked / butchered beyond recognition / my pronouns, a testament to my evolution / now chopped up / discarded / entrails cast aside to be mopped up / I am tired of drip feeding the world my identity / hoisted by my own petard of wanting to make myself known / but choking on my fragile tongue / I have been drained / skinned of a name / a label / a face / I want to pull out these tenterhooks / I want to feel the swell of blood rushing to my head / I want to hold the knife / let me tell you who I am with my whole damn chest / bloody beating heart and all

-ylm

[aielylois]

after Wait For Me (Reprise)

"The meanest dog you'll ever meet / it ain't the hound dog in the street.."

there's something in the way Hermes holds Orpheus close, looks him dead in the eye, tries to tell him, pleading with the boy to listen to his words but already seeing the doubt cloud his vision

"He bears his teeth and tears some skin / But brother that's the worst of him"

it's watching Hermes trying desperately to give Orpheus a final warning - not that it's a trap or a trick but that it's worse - it's a test. because if it was a trap, the blame is easier to point elsewhere - it's the person who laid it, the person who set it.

"Now the dog you really gotta dread / Is the one that howls inside your head"

but if it's a test... there is the person who set it and the person who undertakes it. there is a sense of responsibility that someone has to bear.

"It's him who's howling drives men mad / And a mind to its undoing"

and Hermes knows it's too late. he knows this old song and why he sings it anyways. but that doesn't stop him from trying to help the boy. doesn't stop him hoping against hope that the story changes, this time. doesn't stop him from letting Orpheus and Eurydice go, knowing how the song ends. knowing that he will sing it again, and again...

[aielylois]

I am haunted by a melody and I wonder how I went so long without it whispering on the breeze caressing my skin half ghost light half star dust it settles in my eyes and I am once again with you listening to nightingales tell their tales under a half moon glistening quicksilver amidst pinprick stars in paradise and even though it was so long ago I will always have the memory of love's refrain to bring me sweet dreams

after 'Stardust' - Hoagy Carmichael -ylm

Prompt: half-moon/half-ghost - #elocintingprompts on ig

[aielylois]

I needed you like a house needs a fire escape a quick getaway into the night just to find a way out of the hear but it's summer now and even the storm clouds carry friction in their folds the air is brittle all it takes is a spark and we're off blame global warming for setting the world alight not two flint-headed fools the perfect match what a shame we were just a blaze of glory instead of a sacred hearth I needed you like a house needs a fire escape because there is no home left in the ashes

-ylm

Prompt: fire escape - #elocintingprompts on ig

[aielylois]

let me be your(s)

let me be your home a place for you to rest when the streets have stopped being kind

let me be your port a place for you to gather your strength when your will and the tide are low

let me be your haven a place for you to be safe no matter what comes knocking on your door

let me be your Eden your slice of heaven on earth housed in the devil's keep

let me be a place that means something to you a place only you can find on a map and I promise you can always come back to me

-ylm

[aielylois]

after Coda by Dorothy Parker

This living this living this living Expands every breath that you take With every heartache and triumph With every win and mistake This life is an uphill battle This life's not a war that you choose Everyone can become a champion But this race is one we all lose The speed you get there's not a measure You'd want to be tortoise not hare To be able to wander at leisure Is the dream but alas isn't fair For this living this living this living Is a ticket for a lottery prize Sometimes it is awfully forgiving Sometimes a devil in disguise

-ylm

[aielylois]

take off the blinders, baby there is no smoke in your eyes you've already learnt to tell the truth from the lies and I know that it hurts but just know that someday you'll be glad you kept your eyes up hoping

-ylm

[aielylois]

love with no limits - ylm

poem id under the cut

I am choosing to write about love with no limits / no caveats, no hidden fees, no extraneous labels / just love / why should the default for love be romantic / when all I have ever been surrounded by is the love of my family and friends? / there is more to love than romance / there is hope and patience and anger and fear and trust / always trust / trust that if you fall / someone is there to catch you / trust that if you break / someone is there to put you back together / trust that if you are lost / there is someone out there to find you / there always is / and I hope you do not forget that / I hope you do not forget that when you are on a cliff’s edge / there is someone there to offer you a hand / before you let go / I hope you do not forget that when you shatter from the impact of living / there is someone to gather you up / and help put you together again / I hope you do not forget that when you lose your way / there is someone with a light on for you / waiting for you to come home - ylm

[aielylois]

not what they were looking for

I'm not too keen on the idea of the chase I've outgrown the notion that I have to follow you because you have lost me left me behind there is no thrill anymore no exhilaration in the pursuit

the truth is I was never really lost and I don't want to be left behind I wish to be sought to be the one you ask about when I'm not there to be the one you look for in a crowded room the person you want to find

I don't want to be chased and captured I want to be sought and found sometimes I am a compass / a map / a surprise but always the answer to where have you been all my life? I've been looking for you everywhere

-ylm

Who are you to them?

[aielylois]

the pause

how long will this last?

the greatest stories do not begin with a pause but my pen is hovering over paper ready to write a new arc and it tells me that this pause is ready to birth something new something i have never done before something i will not see coming something and everything in between and i hope that amidst all the life that is happening to me i remember this pause a place where i have learnt to breathe to prepare to grow eager a pause may not last but it never signifies an end only the beginning

of the rest of your life

-ylm

Prompts: write a poem in all lowercase without punctuation - #januarywithalicja on ig // write a poem about the biggest question(s) that you have right now - #elocintingprompts on ig

[aielylois]

Put out to pasture / my mind has been let out to watch grass grow / instead of growing itself / synaptic fireworks slowing down to watch the sparklers in the sky / I thought I'd forgotten how to put pen to paper / thought I'd forgotten my old friends and compatriots / but they were just waiting on the threshold / for the wind to turn / for the chance to come inside / I have put down one life / and picked up the threads of many others / I was a weaver once / I have time to learn again

How do you feel now that this year is ending?

[aielylois]

today is thrown at me like caution to the wind full of abandon, devoid of hope I haven't got on my catcher's mitt just my knotted up hands when I wanted a rope