ajourneytomylife - Tumblr blog

[ajourneytomylife]

“Listen to me. I’m shy. I’m not stupid. I can’t meet people’s eyes. I don’t know if you understand what that’s like. There’s a whole world going on around me, I’m aware of that. It’s not because I don’t want to look at you, Lucinda. It’s that I don’t want to be seen.”

— Jonathan Lethem, You Don’t Love Me Yet

[ajourneytomylife]

I DONT WANT TO BLAME ANYONE OR ANYTHING BUT ISNT BLAMING NATURAL WHEN YOURE ANGRY??? ITS ALWAYS EITHER BECAUSE OF MYSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE BUT WHO DO YOU POUR YOUR ANGER TO WHEN NO ONE REALLY DID SOMETHING WRONG??? doesnt that make my pain invalid??? but why does it feel so true???

[ajourneytomylife]

untitled

I always think about the future. Of things that would happen or experiences I'll welcome. I think about it and compare it to where and who I am right now, and suddenly my heart aches. For the things I think and imagine about, would probably will never happen to me. I am scared of being alone. I don't want to grow old and be lonely forever. No one wants it either. But sometimes, I think about it and see myself right now, and my heart becomes hollow before it even began to be full. For if I am lonely and alone now, how could I not be in the future?

I have always struggled with insecurity and confidence. I don't know why it happens or the reason behind this behavior but I was always felt ugly and doesn't want to be seen. Sometimes I blame my family, because they have always bullied me for what I looked like when I was kid. Sometimes I blame myself for remembering it so clearly when it's all in the past.

I was ugly, face sprinkled with acne and scars. Skin too dark to be considered beautiful. My body lacked curves and plumpness. I lack femininity and womanhood. I never dressed pretty. I am ugly. So sometimes I think about if this was the reason I am alone now. Will I ever be beautiful? Pursued? Wanted? Loved? I am so tired to waiting for someone that may not even arrive, but I miss them already.

And it hurts. Because I grew up reading books about romance, life, and hope. Never of loneliness or life of gloom. Most of it shows that life is great at 16, that you'll meet someone and love them, and they'll love you back. I know that not all love ends happily, but I know at least that it's better than being never loved. That you'll be hurt but never alone. Never alone.

Time has passed me by. And my heart will forever ache for yearning something I will never experience at all. Because I was too late. And it will continue to ache and burn and hurt and cry because I will always be too late in life. That even in the future I will still be alone. And I will cry of grief because my future has withered before it even began to bloom.

I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be. I don't. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate myself. And I am so sad and it hurts and it hurts so bad. Please love me.

[ajourneytomylife]

17/11/21

hi, so lemme rant here again. this is my blog so i'm gonna rant here either way, no one can stop me.

life is hard. haha again. im so stressed and pressured. i feel so much feelings sometimes i think im sick in the head (but i dont wana self diagnose so,,)

i had my second breakdown last night and i slept from crying. not gonna lie, it was tough to cry without sounds. my throat felt like closing. i mean, my father is sleeping on the futon on the floor so i don't really have a choice to keep quiet while i weep at my own bed.

it's just hard. im indecisive, and i feel stuck in the middle and i cant make my own choices. its hard, but when i really think about it maybe im just making things too complicated but at the same time i know my feelings are valid but i keep downplaying it haha.

its like you know? i genuinely want to be happy. i want to. its just there so many things that makes me happy and i wanna do all things, but the thing is i can't. i have to make my own choice.

i want peace but my surrounding is too...noisy. i cant focus. i lost my guide. im lost. i don't know which path to take and i cant make my own decisions.

i have a decision in my mind though haha. im just not ready of letting go of other things that made me happy before. well, life is not always rainbows so...

it's hard really. the fact that im alone and i dont have someone to talk to made it even harder. if anyone is reading this, don't you think it's pathetic of me to share every problem i have here? it is, isn't? because this just mean im a fucking lonely girl who has no friends im comfortable enough for displaying my real, raw, feelings.

i have so much to think. there's so much in my mind it's so messy. i want to let it all out. but yeah, who will even listen? i don't want too vent and dump all these to my friends because i know enough that they might feel uncomfortable, or not in the right head space for negativities, and i understand it. but is it so wrong to wish there's someone willing to listen?

anyway, im just disappointed, and tired, and stressed, and pressured. everything is going against my plans. i have a shitty teacher in the subject and least good at. i have problems about myself. i can't find time to make myself happy. im gaslighting myself. im exhausted of thinking. i want this to end...life isn't supposed to be this hard, is it?

but yeah, i have to keep going. i have dreams to achieve. but it's just im tired. haha. so tired. so so tired. so tired.

i haven't been happy in a while. please, God let my heart swell with happiness again. i miss it. i miss myself so much. i feel like im lying on a road and im being stepped on many time, but i dont have the power to stand up.

fuck. i wanna cry again.

i feel so pathetic. ha! shit.

anyways, gonna take a bath now lols. cry in the shower i guess.

if anyone is reading this, pls take care of yourself! <3

[ajourneytomylife]

why the fuck do i always ask myself if its okay to fail? to make mistakes? of course it is okay, you dumb bitch. you're not a robot, you're a fucking human being and you're susceptible to failures and defeats. so why do you have to push so hard? aren't you tired? aren't you sick of being hard on yourself? can't you see? you're fucking miserable. please stop. let yourself be human. please. please. please. let yourself breathe. life doesn't revolve around the things you thought it does. please. be happy. im begging you.

[ajourneytomylife]

20/08/21

It's been a while since I've write something. And I miss it a lot, to be able to express my feelings the way I want to, and the way others who'll read it understand.

Well, today, I am writing here again to say things, and types rumble of words that, I suppose, is expressing feelings. Because, you know what, I am not actually happy with the way I write in this blog. I mean, its obvious with its content full of rumblings and randomness--its a mess of thoughts. Yet, despite of this, I do feel lighter whenever I do, and it does help pouring the mess in my brain in a platform that is open for everyone to see, but no one pays attention. It's almost similar to shouting in the top of a mountain.

Anyway, back to me. These past few days, well maybe, weeks, I know I am not alright. I am very disappointed with myself. I feel like for the past months, and the year that passed, I have no progress or anything. I feel like instead of progressing, I just became worse. And what's frustrating me more is that I know it, and I am fully aware of my declining state, yet I can't do anything. It's one step forward to steps back.

Firstly, college. I am not sure if I am anxious or I don't have any plans to continue it. I'm torn between stopping for a while, or just continuing it and then shifting for the second year. Because if you aren't aware, I am choosing a course I do not want to take. It is not really that bad, maybe I really am just anxious. Everytime I remember this dilemma, I just try to focus on the fact that at least I can still have one year to decide if I really want Social Work or Psychology, and who knows, maybe I'll learn to love Childhood Education.

Second, the world and my country. The pandemic and this government It so fucking stressful to wake up each day and see nothing but bad news. The corruption, the increasing deaths, the way this administration fuck up handling the pandemic, the new variants, and fuck--everything. It stresses me out so much. I just want everything to go back the way it used to. When there's no fear of the virus and I can easily see people's faces and their smiles. And what scares me the most, is the fact that with everything that's been happening now, the chance of 'going back the way it used to' is almost reduced to zero. We may have to wear mask forever, and the virus will just continue to mutate. We're literally living in another mass extinction, and it's even different from the impending mass extinction from the Global Warming. Can we really do that? Can we really be happy again? Can the world change it's revolution? You can say I'm stuck up with the past, but I am sorry to say, but who the fuck is happy with the current situation?

My only way of coping is just reading, and this, surprisingly, stresses me out too. Because I have been reading fanfictions only. And I'm not saying they are bad or anything less than any other types of literature, but as you all know, fanfictions are very self indulgent, its everything you want to read. And being like that, I feel like I am not really growing as a person or anything. Even my writing didn't improve (but maybe it's my fault because just like I have said, I haven't been writing for a while now.)

Everything is literally fucking me up. Even myself. There's so many things to think about, but I just chose to ignore all of it which literally makes things worse. I don't know what to do. I don't want to think but my head is so full. I want peace and quiet.

Despite of these things, I know this won't last. So I am still hoping I could still solve the mess of everything, and wishing I can finally be happy again. Genuinely happy. Not happily distracted, but genuine and true and raw and pure.

Until then.

[ajourneytomylife]

Saan Ka Magaling?

Hi! Sorry for the spam of sad and gloomy posts, I just had to share what I feel (despite of my academic backlogs lol) as a way of moving on, maybe? Or just to let my internal burden easier to carry.

I saw this post in the Facebook, as I scroll through my feed (wow I have the time, huh?) that says 'Saan ka magaling?'. It's nothing serious, really. But it got me thinking about myself, as to what am I really good at?

I wish had the answer, unfortunately, I think there is none.

I keep saying, I write, and I love writing, but I know I am not good at it. I keep telling myself that, I am good at studying because I excel in academics but in the midst of these college admissions and result, I cannot help but doubt myself.

As I write this, I realize how late I am in doing things. And how boring I am as a person. I don't really have something that might interest other people. All I do is stay inside the comfort of my home, and then read, study, watch, and then nothing. I really am just an average person.

I wish I could find something I am good at in the future, I wish I am not too late, and finally I can have something to share that I am proud of.

PS. I really want to write a book, and help people.

[ajourneytomylife]

Okay lang naman 'di ba?

Okay lang naman 'di ba?

Okay lang kahit hindi sikat yung school na papasukan ko for college kasi hindi naman nasusukat yung pagkatao ko sa university na pag-aaralan ko?

Okay lang naman 'di ba? Kahit hindi ako makapasa sa big four at iba pang kilalang colleges?

Pero bakit ako nadidisappoint sa sarili ko? Bakit parang hindi naman okay? Bakit parang hindi matutuwa sila kuya? or si papa at mama? Bakit parang napag-iiwanan ako? Bakit parang...

Ugh! I hate feeling like this. Bakit ko ba binabase ang pagkatao ko sa school na papasukan ko? Bakit ba ako umaasa na makapasa sa mga school na hindi ko naman talaga kaya? Sa mga universities na higit na may mataas na standard kesa sa mga tulad ko? Ano bang problema ko roon, eh okay lang naman! 'Di ba?!

Eh sa hindi nga ako galing sa Pisay or science high schools kaya mas mababa ang tyansa kong makapasa sa UP at ADMU. Eh sa hindi nga abot ng makakaya ko yung intelligence at skills ng mga taga PLM. Eh ano naman?! Ibig ba sabihin noon wala na agad akong patutunguhan sa buhay? Na hindi ko na matutupad ang mga trabaho ko? Bakit ba ang hilig ko i-compare yung sarili ko sa iba, eh hindi nga ko sila! Eh okay nga lang! Okay lang kahit hindi ako matalino o magaling o maganda or anything! Okay lang!

Okay lang...kahit na sa lahat ng kakilala kong nag-apply sa PLM ako lang ang hindi nakapasa.

Okay lang na bumababa na 'yung mga grades ko this past few months.

Okay lang na hindi na ko magaling sa academics.

Okay lang na wala akong bagay na maipagmamalaki para sa sarili ko o kayla Mama.

Okay lang ba? Okay lang 'di ba?

Pero bakit hindi okay sa'kin? Bakit hindi ko tanggap na ganito na ako ngayon, at wala akong magawa para magbago kasi pinanghihinaan ako ng loob...

Anong gagawin ko...? Fuck.

[ajourneytomylife]

09th of June, 2021

It's been a while. Hello! I hope you are fine.

Today, many things have happened. Well, not so many, but all of it had a pull for my emotions.

It was around 3:00 P.M. today. I finally had a chance to let go of my emotions. You might be lost while reading this, but let me clue you in. I did not get accepted into my dream university. Since I was in grade 8, when I decided I will be a Psychologist, I already choose Pamantasang Lungsod ng Maynila as my school. Before, I do not care about its standing or reputation, honestly. I just want to study there because it was also the school where my best friend is planning to apply to. After all, her Ate studied there, and she's really smart.

"Naku, hindi ka pwede d'yan. Mga taga-Manila lang tinatanggap," many people have said to me, even my family. I didn't listen to them, though. I just replied, "Pwede na kami."

I carried that dream with me through the rest of my high school. My mind becomes so fixated with it, that I am so sure I will really study there. Whenever I and my friends had the chance to talk about the future and our endeavors, I always say, "Sa PLM ako mag-aaral."

Funny how those words didn't come true. Well, it's not funny. It's actually really sad.

June 08, 2021, at exactly 5:00 PM, PLM released the passers. My heart was beating so loud, I thought it was going to escape my chest. As I type my name in the search bar, my fingers were trembling--from the cold, because it was rainy? or because my future was in front of me waiting to be revealed...revealed...revealed...

"But where's my name?" I thought.

"Oh, maybe they mess up my surname's spelling. Hmm, right. People tend to do this. Lemme type 'GARCIA'..."

Revealed...

Revealed...

Revealed...

Nothing's revealed. My name is not there.

Suddenly, I forgot what I am doing. I did not cry. I just...nothing. I continued doing my assignments, watched anime, read a book, congratulated my friends who passed. Nothing.

(Typing this is challenging. Remembering myself yesterday, seeing vividly how pathetic I am denying the truth in front of me. Lol.)

It's like I took the results so lightly as if I didn't care. Na parang nawalang parang bula 'yung ilang taon kong pangangarap na makapasok sa PLM. Na parang hindi ako nagdasal ng araw at gabi, hinihiling kay Lord, Mother Mary, at ibang Saints na tulungan akong makapasa.

Nothing.

And all that nothing leads me today. 3:00 PM. Finally, I cried. I cried and I ask, and I doubt, and I cried again.

Bakit hindi ako nakapasa? Saan ako nagkulang? Anong mali? Hindi naman yata ako magaling talaga. Paano na future ko? Hindi na nga ko madiskarte sa buhay, hindi pa ko matalino. Paano ako makakahanap ng trabaho? Paano ako magiging magaling na sikolohista? Bakit hindi ako nakapasa? Nakakahiya kela Kuya. Bakit? Bakit? Bakit?

I cried so hard, and so long, that when my friends came into my house by surprise first thing they tell me was, "Bagong gising ka, Clars?" because my eyes were puffy. I told them no.

But I was so happy they came, ecstatic even. Today was probably the day I have spoken the longest in a span of three months (since their last visit.) And I am grateful for them. For having, literally the best timing in visiting me. They helped me forget the drama I went through just before they came.

Well, certainly that's not the last cry I will cry. I will definitely weep again because of the PLMAT result. I am devastated, okay? Disappointed. And I guess being disappointed in yourself hurts more than feeling that way towards others? Because you know the things you could've done right, know the things where you went wrong, and know how much you dreamed and wished for something to happen, and then it didn't happen.

I am sleepy I do not want to type this anymore. My writing here's ugly because I haven't read anything in a while.

Welp, I guess I'll just end my blog here. See, not many things have happened, I know. But I felt a lot of things today and a much more intense feeling than normal. I have an emotional range of a goldfish so, there's that.

PS. Also Munimuni comeback, but TJ leaving the band. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA im such a wreck today. I cried, laughed, and then cried again. sheesh.

[ajourneytomylife]

Moments

Hey! So it's Holy Thursday, and I had this thought in mind that I feel the need to share in my blog.

The basic indication of happiness is when we cease to care about the future, because the reality of what we have in our palms in that exact moment is enough--we feel content, and we feel alive.

Happiness is present in moments--little moments. Unfortunately, we always try to find them in big things, we look for them in wrong places.

[ajourneytomylife]

How can I ever balance?

Hi! It's me, Clarisse again.

How do I start with this, again? It's been almost two months since I wrote here. Many things have happened though I will not bore you to the details of my life (although you might even be bored already.).

Well, let me start that I am confused--again. I am confused girl living in a confusing world, what do you expect? I also tend to make everything confusing despite of it having little importance, so there is nothing really new there.

Kidding aside. This is about my studies and my happiness (I am just realizing how boring this is, oh my goodness. I am really THAT boring, huh?) See, as I have said before, I am an honor student. I value my studies a lot for it is the only thing that I can give to my parents and family. However, I am getting distracted a bit lately. I am starting to cut classes, I have stopped attending to this one class for the mere reason that it is boring (wow, coming from me), I am not doing my works, I am procrastinating everything. And I am really afraid of what will happen if my grades this second quarter comes out. I keep saying to myself that 'It's okay, at least I enjoyed my time reading and watching', 'If I am happy with these then it is not a time wasted' just to console myself.

Ugh! I miss reading so much! And for the first time in forever (mind the exaggeration) I become excited again for reading something! (Oh, before I forgot, I will be writing a book review about this book! It's so good!) How can I ever balance my hobbies and my studies?! I can't let go of my hobbies, it's the only thing that keeps me from spiraling and feeling lonely. But at the same time, I can never let go of my studies as well! I promised my brother to study hard because he gave me a laptop (which I am currently using) for the online class and it's freaking 50,000 Php! Oh, man! I don't want to feel guilty!

AH! I want to scream! Why can't I just be happy!

[ajourneytomylife]

29/12/20

Hi, it’s me, Clarisse. 

I am writing this now to tell you that for the past few months, I am not fine. While reading this, you probably do not care, but I hope you do.

I used to hate change, because whenever something changes, I am not comfortable to face the said changes. Yet, right now, it’s all I want. I want the world to change, to go back to the way it used to if better. I want myself to change, because I think the current version of myself cannot do this.

August, was the first time I felt this. It was October when I knew I have to talk to someone, get checked.

Five months ago, I thought  I caught COVID-19. Turns out, I was wrong, It was UTI. Since then, I began to be afraid for my life. What if I caught some virus and die? What if I have cancer and die? What if blah blah and die?  My anxiety all point to myself facing death. 

And then at September, my chest hurt. How funny that the day I felt this was also the day a certain vlogger die because of cardiac arrest. You know the connection. My head was once again filled by fear.

It continued, the anxiousness. Everyday. To the point, I was scared of sleeping because I might forget how to breathe, or my heart might suddenly stopped beating. And in every that morning came, my first thought is always, “Thanks God, for keeping me alive.”

It became worse because now, I searched and searched for the reason why my body hurts and aches. As a lot of us know, google will definitely give you the worst possible answers. It made my anxiety worse.

Aside from this, the Government pisses me off. I kept thinking, “If only they managed this virus better, I won’t be feeling like this. I can see my friends, and everything will go back to normal.” This added to the burden I am already struggling from carrying.

I am tired. Thinking and worrying everyday is exhausting. My thoughts keep in spiraling. I do not want to feel this again. Why am I like this? Why do I do this? Why can’t I stop myself? I am not sure what happened, but until now, this is how I feel, for night and day. I miss the old days. I miss my old self.

What make this all worse for me, is because I still know what I am from July, before all these. I was happy. I don’t worry this much. What happened to me?

I wish this was just overreaction or I am just making this up, but no. This is feel. This is how I really feel, and I want this to stop. This makes me so sad. Seeing myself from before. I want to help myself, I really do, and I am helping myself. But the thing is, myself is also my enemy. 

My writing here is so ugly. But who cares. Hays. Bahala na, as long as gumaan ng pakiramdam ko ng kaunti.

I am posting this with the hope of my friends reading this. But even if they don’t, it’s alright. I know they still love me, even though I am a messy friend. Hehe. 

To whoever reading this, please pray for my mental and physical health. Thank you.

[ajourneytomylife]

What Am I Doing?

Hi. It’s really been a while. 

I am typing this because I decided to do something. Something that will even shatter my dreams, probably. But still...I am doing it.

So let me clue you in. Grade 11. 2019. It might be the craziest year of my life. So many things have happened, things I did not even knew will come to me. You see, I value education. But I am not going to lie that I did some bad things, in the school when I was Grade 10. However, that changed last year. I decided, I will persevere. I was so driven by this quote by St. Josemaria, “ Do everything for Love. Thus there will be no little things: everything will be big. Perseverance in little things for Love is heroism.” I say to myself, I am going to change. I’ll be honest in my work, and do everything for the Lord. At first, I am genuinely doing it for love...but as time flies and God have given me what I asked...I began to change.

Of course I did not notice that before. At least not until now.

I realized how hungry I am for the validation of others. It is true, how good the feeling of people looking up to you because you are smart, you did well in academics, and teachers liked you too. This...this is the thing that slowly crept inside me. How toxic I am to think that everyone should like me? That I should be the only one that is best?

It’s wrong I know that. But let me defend my past self first. I did not act on how toxic my mindset before. I never brought people down just to lift myself up--I know that’s wrong. But thinking the way I think before is wrong too...to think yourself too high...and craving for the validation of others...

Well, I realized that now. How I used my intellect to fed my lurking devil inside. I never knew that what I was doing, I am not doing it for the Lord, not anymore. I became passively selfish of success and high grades thinking that way people will finally pay attention to me.

To be honest it really hurts to type this...I feel so bad...and hypocrite. Getting angry for attention seekers and I never even knew I am one.

But now...I know my mindset was bad and I decided to change. I will go back to the Grade 10 version of myself...just an honest one.

I’ll cease to pay attention to the requirements, only in learning. I’ll rest if I’m tired. I’ll pray when I want to and I need to. I’ll enjoy it. I’ll stop competing for high grades.

See, this is where my dream part comes in. I am trying to study hard so that I’ll get an easy pass for college admissions. But I guess I had to stop belittling schools other than UP, PLM, and PUP. (Which is bad too, I know)

What am I doing? I asked myself. I am literally suffering for no one. God does not need my grades, and honors. He needs me. And I just needed to learn. And He’ll give me what I deserve. 

What am I doing before? That I only realizes this now? Am I too busy putting mask and feeding the craving validation deep within me. The only way though, to stop this...is to stop giving it what it want.

I have so many bad qualities I want to unlearn and mistakes I want to undo. Yeah...I’m gonna do it.

I’m going to freaking chill this school year. That’s what I am going to do.

[ajourneytomylife]

My dream was to see you in my dreams.

I am never contented. 

Give me rain and I’ll wish for storm. Give me a light and I’ll get the sun. Give your love and I’ll long for you life.

I am never contented.

My dream was to see you in my dreams. And I did. The moment before I open my eyes I saw your face, your eyes, your lips. For a millisecond, I had a chance to glance at your silhouette. Everything is so fast and yet you move away so slow. I do not want you to move further. 

For that split second, I felt all I the feeling I need to feel for you, and for the same reason I could never have the ability to explain it to you or to anyone. I wasted the second. I did not said, “I love you.” I wish I could have said it.

So when the I opened my eyes, first thing I thought was: “I wish I could see you longer.” 

I cannot control myself but yearn for more.

I am never contented.

[ajourneytomylife]

Remembering

I remember words.

 The time when someone said, “Ang OA mo naman”. I remember it when a friend said to me, “Ang pabebe!”. I remember when a stranger said, “Ang pangit! Mukhang kabayo.” I remember when a family member always say, “Ang itim!” and “Anong nangyari sa’yo? Dati ang ganda mo.” I remember most of the bad things you say to me.

But aside from that, I remember when someone I look up to said to me, “Proud ako sa’yo.” I remember when all of my friends keep saying, “Kaya mo naman kamo!” and “Maganda naman eh.” I remember when a family member said, “Magaling magsulat ‘yan.” I remember the good things you say to me and keep it in my heart.

But most of all, I remember moments. 

I remember when someone clapped for me. I remember when my friends hug me. I remember when I cried in the bathroom silently. I remember when my friends danced with me. When they accompany me when I am afraid. When I am insecure. I remember the bad things and the good ones.

The thing is it’s all in the past. Goods and bad,all of it is in the past. No matter how often we remember these things, it’s not gonna change a thing that it already happened and we can do nothing about it. Well, maybe we can...

If we choose to acknowledge that all of these is a part of who we are. The hurt, pain, and cry. But also the laugh, the joy, and the hugs. We can choose to pick the memories and store it in our hearts. It’s just a matter of what we choose to store, the good or the bad?

[ajourneytomylife]

Different Part of Me

I am a very difficult kind of person, at least that is what I think about me. Because I can’t really express what I feel in the most accurate kind of way. Everything’s tangled in my brain. Maybe that is why I am so dependent in music and literature. Sometimes, they express the things I’ve been wanting to express but cannot express. This is the reason why I feel different than the others. I feel like I don’t relate to them so much, especially the people around me. (I still love them even so.)

I am also very simple, at times. I think I am a normal girl. I get crushes, I feel things. I study very hard, I have dreams I want to achieve. I get along with my friends. I laugh out loud. This is the part of me everyone sees, I think. And no, I am not trying to be “unique” or “special” in any kind of way. This is how I really feel. 

On the other hand, the ‘difficult’ part of me is the version of myself when I am alone. That is the part of me that romanticizes things, the part of me that listens and cries to music every night, the one who watches countless of movies and series and kdramas, the one that dreams to be a writer, the imperfect version of me, the one who judges and think bad things, very contrary to the ‘simple’ version of myself that everybody else sees. The dark version of myself, you can say.

I know I am not the only one who feel this way. I am very much aware that everybody else does too. But It doesn’t seem so similar to me. Their version of self when they are with everybody else is different when they are alone but not exact opposite, or not very much different. But why do I feel like two different people? Why do I feel like I am a magnet living in a magnetic field with two different poles?

But sometimes, I also think that maybe I am just lost. Probably because I am still seventeen and I have yet to discover things about myself and the world. Maybe I am in a stage which everybody experienced the same things as me, and then overcome it. Maybe I will too.

I have so many questions, and the only way to answer it is to continue what I am doing. I am hoping that the time will come, things will finally make sense. And I won’t feel lost and confuse about who I am anymore. 

[ajourneytomylife]

Two Kinds of Love

Upon contemplating during this time, a thought crossed my mind. It is about love (like the usual).

I thought about the two kinds of love. The necessary, and the best and the greatest one.

Self-love is the necessary one. It is the kind of love we should have first before we redeem the greatest love. Because I realized that, to able to give love, we must earn it ourselves first. Just like what they say, ‘You cannot give what you cannot have’, which I think is very true. 

It isn’t the greatest love, for me at least, unlike what most people think, but is is needed. For the greatest and the best love there is is the love we give for others. The love that after we sought for ourselves, we share to strangers, to the people we trust, and to the people we choose to love.

So that is what I am trying to learn. To seek of loving myself first so that I could give the love I, first, had. Because I also think, to achieve the necessary love, and share the greatest love, is somehow the point of our living. 

For what it is to be alive if not to love?