alexgstories

[alexgstories]

Test Run

IGNORE THIS AS IT’S A TEST RUN.

Fall weather had finally reached the farmhouse where you grew up in North Carolina. Bringing in the crisp morning air and warm apple cider with it. You hadn’t been back home in years, focusing more on helping Steve and Bucky get their bearings after the fight that had pursued due to the Accords. 

So, when your mother told you that she and your dad would be visiting family in Ireland for a few weeks, you immediately took those stockpiled vacation days and put them to good use. Packing up and flying back over after spending some more time in Wakanda, you were excited to not only have a well-deserved vacation, you were excited to have the entire property to yourself.

  More than 300 acres with fields littered by logs, table jumps, and ponds from your younger days of a successful eventer. Even though representing the US as part of the United States Equestrian Team at one point filled you with happiness, you wanted to do more for the world than to

[alexgstories]

June 19th, 2017

It’s half past midnight right now and there’s a massive summer storm right now. I half scared because the thunder is shaking the entire house and half appreciative simply for the beauty of it.

 But it’s 16 hours later and I decided that standing outside in a day storm was right; until I realized that I was still in clothing I didn’t want to change out of. I’ve been in my pajamas for the past 4 days basically and it’s probably been as long if not longer since I’ve even showered. Disgusting I know but I can’t get around to it for some reason.

 I had a dream about you too. Although this was tons more enjoyable than that dinner in February just because it was a threesome with Ruby Rose. I have no idea why I had that dream but I woke up pretty flustered. And then some hours later for some reason I’m just visualizing us getting intimate and it’s just weird because I wasn’t sure if I was horny or if I just had to pee.

 10:10pm

 I’m amazed if I haven’t talked about this yet because I know I talked about the previous events; at least I think I did.

 But I can’t thank you enough for taking us all out to that go-kart place. The rain really had put a damper on the lack of plans I had with the boys. It really was nice to see you smile given everything that was going on. Whether or not it was 100% genuine the whole time, I think it was but that’s not the point. You made me smile and I really can’t help you enough for making me smile. I just wish I could see you smile all the time.

 And there was a reason I was only letting you or Molly in the front seat. I know you probably know that Eric had intentions on hooking up with me and I wasn’t completely opposed to it but I didn’t trust him. And not in the bad way but in a weird way. I read somewhere that if you have a hard time falling asleep next to someone, it’s because subconsciously you don’t trust them. Last time I’d hooked up with him I couldn’t sleep at all. And every time you stayed the night I had no problem sleeping. I don’t like admitting that I’ve been with a few guys because it makes me feel dirty and disgusting but I’ve only had one other person that I didn’t have a hard time sleeping around but that’s not the point of this stupid tangent.

 I will accept that how I acted at the hotel with everyone later that night wasn’t ladylike. I agree with the light “scolding” you gave me when I drove you back but I won’t apologize. Everyone who knows me knows that while I am an affectionate/slutty drunk, I only attach myself to people that I genuinely care about. And yes, I was trying to seduce you in a very drunken way and failing and for that I will apologize.

 And yes, I will also apologize for trying to get you to sleep in my bed with me rather than on the couch I have a theory as to why you did that. So, in my drunkenness, I had completely forgotten about Eric and it didn’t take a lot to see that he was not happy at all. Whether or not he was expecting anything it’s not like there was an actual appropriate amount of time. But I won’t really apologize for everything that night. And I don’t remember quite exactly what you said on that phone call, but I think you had mentioned something about wanting me to sit in the front seat on the way back? Maybe you did or maybe my memory is just saying that to make myself feel better.

 But that night was good and bad for many reasons and although you were very competitive at racing and freaking mini-golf, I wouldn’t have changed anything except maybe being a little less drunk.

[alexgstories]

June 18th, 2017

Are you happy?

 Are you happy with the fact that you actually broke me? Because I’m torn apart in so many different ways than I thought was possible. And yet I still need you. You’re not a want, you never really were and I hate myself for knowing this.

 But do you remember the morning after my horrid failure of a birthday breakfast dinner? Only 3 of you showed up but you stayed and I think you either knew that I needed someone or you just really wanted to stay. And considering you had made no effort to leave my room the next day and that I almost couldn’t kick you out, I think that might say something?

 That morning we watched whatever race it was and you had been getting really excited about whichever driver it was and you told me if he won you’d kiss me. I kid you not the moment you said that I ‘bout damn had a heart attack. Like dude you can’t say stuff like that around me. Then part of me started thinking how you were going to kiss like if it would’ve been on the cheek or something else entirely. I’ll admit I was pretty giddy when whichever driver it was started doing better and I wanted you to kiss me.

 While he didn’t win, he’d come in 2nd and you still freaked out and kissed me; on the fucking forehead, you ass. Don’t tell a girl you’re going to kiss her and pull that shit. If you say you’re going to kiss, fucking lay one on the damn mouth.

Then the tickling started when we were watching those movies. I couldn’t remember why you’d do that until now and every time it was because I had made the same snarky response to the same thing you kept saying. Part of me was glad you didn’t really stop saying “fuck me” anytime something happened. And while part of me thinks you wouldn’t have kept saying it if there wasn’t a reason, I’m glad you didn’t. Simply for the fact that it created a continuous loop of me saying “maybe later” and you attacking me to make me stop saying it. And honestly, I’m amazed Sharon didn’t yell at me to shut up.

 But every time I kept saying it and every time you decided that tickling me was the best response. I even remember challenging you to try and find where I’m most ticklish. You never did quite figure out my lower back was the sweet spot but you did get close a few times.

 And you didn’t even worry about me when Ashley called me saying she knew that I was leaving SCAD. I’m glad that you knew well enough in that instant to leave me alone because I would have just started bawling even more if I saw you, and you let me take my time in getting my breathe back and didn’t even question why I was crying and just held me.

 You held me and I swear I wanted to jump you. I know I’ve been with a few guys and I know that I’m the most transparent person when I’m drunk, but I’ve never wanted to jump someone so much in my life. Not Holden or Syd or anyone else. And we were freaking watching Sing, nothing “exciting” was happening but we were just watching a movie and cuddling. I almost didn’t take you back to Monty despite that I had a bunch of work to get done before leaving for Nationals the next morning. I almost asked you to stay. I wanted nothing more but I couldn’t ask you to do that for me.

 I mean you did stay overnight, even though you woke me up at a godawful time on a Sunday, I really did love you in that instant. You didn’t even have to come to the dinner but you did. And maybe you noticed how Holden was being with me and maybe you just pitied me or something because I’d invited like 12 people over and while 3 came, 2 of them were gone by 9pm. Nine fucking pm. So, I really don’t know what your reason for actually staying overnight was, but whatever it was, I’m glad. Even when we stayed out in the kitchen area just watching funny videos on your laptop I’m surprised you didn’t make a move to leave.

 Even the next damn morning you made no effort to leave until I told you so that makes me wonder how long you would have actually stayed.

 I felt at peace that night/day. As weird as it’s going to be to even read this, if I send it to you, it’s just as weird typing it. But it kind of felt like we were living together and already married or something. I mean I was walking around in my Raven’s shirt with nothing under that and you in MY Terps shorts I’d lent to you, and creepily enough not even closing the door the pee. I felt peaceful and like I had everything I needed.

 But I wasn’t lucky enough to keep it. It seems like everything was thrown at us to screw everything up, so I say a might “Fuck you Universe,” to that. I just need you to know that what you did for me at that dinner was honestly the nicest thing anyone has done for me, whatever the motives were behind it. For my own sanity, I’m hoping it was because you wanted to and not because you felt bad for me. So, I’m off, and I’ll type you in a bit.

  But I love you, and I always will no matter what anyone else says. I do love and I just you knew that. I’d give anything to fucking fly over to goddamn Iceland and tell you that in person I would.

[alexgstories]

June 17th, 2017

I didn’t get to finish last night so I’ll do that today. Damn trazadone. And actually, I can’t even remember what I needed to finish.

 I was talking with Grisham about you. The one thing he said repeatedly was that he was sorry I was feeling this. So am I Gabe, but I’m not sorry for feeling upset I’m sorry for letting myself get this far when that voice in the back of my head told me not to. But I was describing everything I was feeling and you know what he said?

 He said that the feeling I was talking about, was falling hard. And that everything is going to be fine and it going to hurt like hell and it’s going to take a long time; but eventually. And I love him for being a soft kind of blunt. He’s the only other person I’ve loved beside you and it’s not even as strong. But it’s still enough to know that there’s going to be a small spot in me for him. I just wish you’d be there to you know, take up the rest with full knowledge that it’s always yours.

 I know I’m only 20 and I’ve yet to really live a life and maybe find “real love,” but despite my very young age there’s one thing that’s certain, and that’s that I’m not really going to love anyone like you or at all. And part of me wishes to not love anyone else.

 So sue me, for being a little optimistic and maybe even a little stupid. But if things go the way that I want to, and I’m not saying they will, but if things happened to work out in a way that I liked, I’d be able to stop the masochist tendencies I’ve created with watching New Girl.

 And it’s been 3 days now and I’ve still got these fucking butterflies having a goddamn rave in my stomach. You’re in a different country, mind you 4 hours ahead, and I’m sitting here like a damn school girl who’s waiting for a boy who’s, being driven by his parents, on his way to pick me up for a middle school date. I want to talk to you even just to hear your voice. I’m so tempted to call you, and maybe hope you’d pick up but even if you didn’t, I get to hear your voicemail. And I just need to hear your voice Gabe I really do.

 And to what I said earlier of what Grisham said, I told him that too. I honestly don’t know where the fuck these damn insects came from but they won’t leave. Maybe it’s because you’re in a different country? I don’t know really know I have no reason to be nervous I think, or at least not as nervous about you as I could with Wylie. I mean last I knew he was in Kuwait but he’s not there anymore. I just want to not be nervous for no reason and I want to hear your voice more than anything in the world. Even if it’s just your voicemail.

 And I can’t bring myself to stop listening to The 1975. I know you probably don’t really listen to them often if at all, but I can’t bring myself to stop unless I’m running or driving around. It’s this never ending vicious cycle that I can’t find a way or the strength to break. And I’ve pulled up a world clock on my phone and now I know how far ahead you are time zone wise.

 It’s so sad and tragic and a whole bunch of other adjectives that I just don’t have the energy to type right now. And I’m crying again, surprise.

 I can’t even ride anymore did you know that? The one and only thing that always had a 100% guarantee that I’d forget about you for a little bit. Riding always did that for me and now I get to spend a whole year not doing it. I’ve done this once but that was to play club soccer so I still had some kind of coping mechanism. But I can’t ride and that kills me so much inside that I’m begging and praying that neither of my parents will come in here to see me crying yet again because they’ll only want an explanation. I mean my mom knows so she won’t be confused but my dad will and the moment anyone looks at me I’m going to break down even further. I’ve got some writing but that does so little for me. I’ve broken down a few times for a few different reasons but the last time it felt this bad, I had to call Molly so she could talk me out of ripping my arm open with an X-acto knife.

 She got me to throw out the X-acto knife I’d had in my arms and for a while I wanted nothing more than to decorate my arm with some red but I couldn’t because 1) I had a lot of people counting on me to be “fine” and not doing anything stupid 2) I still have a lot to live for and 3) I didn’t have anything sharp to really cause any damage. But I found something yesterday while looking for whatever it was I was looking for.

 I found the extra blades they give you for X-acto knives. I have blades I can use Gabe and it’s taking everything in me to not do something. Every time I look at them I have to remind myself that so many people would be so disappointed in me for “giving in” and not getting help. Well fuck you all because I’ve tried and right now I’m just so tired of having to put up a front that I’m perfectly fine with everything in my life right now. I know I’m more than likely never going to actually kill myself because I’m too scared of death to actually pull through with it. But I can see myself doing some self-harm to cope.

 I think that’s why I want to cover myself in tattoos. They have this good kind of pain when they’ve been put on and it’s addicting. Maybe I can use that excuse to make my dad let go of the fact that I want more and I will get more. See now that’s a healthy coping mechanism albeit an expensive one; but it’s better than a zigzag on your arms or thighs.

 But you know what’s really stopping me? It’s not that hard of guess so your first option in correct.

 You Gabe.

 The only reason I haven’t decorated my arms or thighs yet is because of the disappointment I might get from you because I know Molly or Lexie or hell even Roman might tell you about it. But I can’t bring myself to relieve some stress or pressure because I know you’d be so disappointed in me. And even the idea of that hurts more than you completely what feels like abandonment. Just the fucking idea of you being disappointed hurt more than ever motherfucking thing I’ve said so far in this 10 page tangent. So let that sink in you ass. Let that sink in.

 And I can’t even tell people that I have those blades in my room because they’d instantly take them away and I need some kind of presence from them. It’s disturbingly calm to have them near me. I want to tell someone about it but then there’d be hell to pay for it because I’d be endangering myself. And maybe one day I’ll send this to you, because it’s only going to grow every day as this year passes. I have a year to rant and scream and type and yell and cry on this thing I’ve created to help with you.

 I have no doubt that I have the balls to send this to you because you and I both know that it’d be hella impulsive and I’m amazing at being impulsive at all the wrong times for all the wrong reasons. You and I both know that more than anyone else. And that should scare you like it scares me right now. Everything is getting so out of hand for me, and I know it’s my own damn fault, that I’m about to go and tell my mother that I might need to up the dosage on my anti-depressant. And I’m already taking 200mg a day and I’m not that big of a person in the weight department. So me upping it kinds scares me.

 9:44pm

 Well I just had a complete and utter meltdown in front of my mom about this, kind of. Um but what I can confirm is that I’m probably not going to do a lot more on the college front. And I meant what I said when I said that college isn’t for everyone a lord knows everyone in the fucking horse industry says it’s a waste of time unless you’re a vet. I mean a complete meltdown. And I’d finally admitted the X-acto knife thing. I told myself I wouldn’t tell her but I think to get the point across I may have had to.

 But there I was, crying in kitchen trying to make myself coffee explaining to my mom that even professionals in my own goddamn industry are saying a degree with horses is a waste of money with a few exceptions. I’m still trying to please my dad because I know how hard it’s going to be to convince him that college isn’t really what I need. Yes, I’ll still take online classes and get an associate’s but honestly, college was simultaneously the best and worst thing to have ever happened to me. In high school, I’d never gotten as close as I did to killing myself as I did in college. Freshman year I had fucking Syd drive me to the hospital so I could put myself on suicide watch. Granted we got there and just sat for a while to make sure if that was really what I wanted because I wouldn’t be able to go back if I did.

 I just realized I haven’t even had a proper cry about everything. The last one was when I called Molly but that was back in like April or something. But I haven’t had the proper cry.

 I’m talking bawling like a kid with tears and snot and red eyes all the works of a serious cry. I haven’t had one in months and I’m genuinely impressed with myself. Now is that a good thing given everything that’s happened? Not even fucking close. And I don’t know what to do anymore Gabe. I really don’t and I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I wouldn’t be a college dropout or maybe I would be considered as such.

 12:14am

 I am utterly exhausted now. I can’t tell if my stomach hurts form a lack of food or stress or both. I don’t eat when I get stressed enough, and I ran today so I used up a little more energy and I need a little more. But I didn’t much for dinner. Maybe 2 pieces of pizza? Nothing since and that was around 5 or so.

 But I’m tired physically, mentally, emotionally, everything. I am so tired Gabe I don’t think you understand how much this time. Sure, I’ve stayed up later than this doing actual work but I was never in this type of mental stage. I’m finally listening to something other than The 1975. But my stomach hurts and I can’t bring myself to get up and get food. I don’t want to, not because I think I’m fat or anything, but because I can’t. I can’t find the drive or motivation or need to get up even though food is required to live.

 I’m on tumblr right now. And most of the blog’s I’ve been following for 5 years now, seem to know that I’m having a shite time right now and there’s a constant stream of hilariously tragic yet content posts about everything; life and love to name a few. But my eyes hurt, my stomach is making sounds, my hands are getting sore along with my back.

 I can’t sleep right now. Or maybe I can but I’m prolonging it. I’m listening to Landon Austin’s cover of that Sam Smith song. So till tragic, but it’s not The 1975. My eyes hurt so much right now I need to sleep but if I’m being honest, I don’t want to sleep. Sleeping means dreaming and dreaming means anything can happen. And I don’t want anything, I want definitive. But alas I never seem to get what I truly want when it comes to certain things.

  Bekah may have helped me get a job. And a real job in my field, not a temporary thing for me to do until Hartpury; which I don’t know if I’m going to end up attending. I’m making a pros and cons list of college vs. working student life. But my eyes are really starting to hurt so going to bed might be the best thing. I’ll type some later. Good night and I really hope you’re having a ball in Iceland.

[alexgstories]

June 15th, 2017

I was driving around today and I hadn’t even thought about you until a certain song came on, and honestly, I don’t remember which song it was. But I’m slowly starting to accept that the likelihood of us. So, to combat the sadness that I’m feeling about it, I’m trying to write and doing something “artistic” I learned at SCAD. I do love painting though and I will actually thank SCAD for that.

 I mean I’m not going to be a complete ass about SCAD because they did do a lot for me. I mean I know more about horses now than I did before and I’m incredibly grateful for that because all the information I’ve learned so far is inherent for my future career. They also taught me to appreciate art more, which pre-SCAD I didn’t really have. I mean I loved going to museums but I never really understood how some of the things in museums are in there; and honestly, I still don’t a little bit.

 I definitely appreciate painting a lot more and while I’m nowhere near the best, I’d like to think I’m not the worst. And I’m actually in the works of painting something right now. Granted I still need to buy more paint. And more brushes, and the actual canvas and do the line and figure out what I want in the background. But I want you to know I’m painting that hill.

 At your school that you drove me to. And I’ll stand by what I said that night. I’ll even admit that when I had told you that, part of me had wished that I’d either had the courage to do something or you had done something. But mostly I wished I’d just grabbed you and laid one on ya. That would be something to remember.

 But I loved that view I really did. With the summer heat invading everything, despite the fact that it was basically dark out. The lightning bugs dude those damn lightning bugs, did me in. Like just add in some dope music and we have a movie scene right there. I haven’t felt that happy since. A big claim I know but currently, that’s just what I feel at the moment. And looking back on it, I think that was the moment I subconsciously realized that I liked you more than I planned or honestly, even wanted.

It’s been some hours since I typed anything but I wanted to come back.

 As the day grew it got a little harder, just thinking about you. I talked about you to Alex. I’ve known her, and Roman and Wylie actually since we were all in 7th grade. She’s practically my sister and I wouldn’t be the person I am without some various comments and advice she’s given me in the past 8 years.

 I told her almost everything while I was sitting on a stool in her kitchen watching her make lemon squares, which now that I think about I didn’t leave with one damnit. But I told her about our 4-hour moment that one dinner in February I’d introduced Lexie and Wylie to each other and how that despite everything, I knew there was a level of mutual like between us. And to be honest I don’t even remember who initiated it. I do remember constantly asking if you were going to stay the night and most of me was really upset if you were going to say no. But you did. And while I would like to think we have done the nasty that night, I don’t think you would have actually gone through with it solely for the fact that I was drunk and you aren’t that type of guy.

 But damnit people just had to keep interrupting and needing to go to the bathroom. I actually went through almost a whole, new, roll of toilet paper that night. Little shits. I told her that I loved you, in a way sort of. I really told her that on the like to love spectrum I was getting closer and closer to the love side. I couldn’t find it in me to tell her I actually do love you.

 Some hours later I’m talking to Roman about how he’s fucked from some tests he had to take and of course I tell him that that isn’t really my problem. Naturally he asks me what my problem is. My response? A 5’5” Brazilian dumbass is my problem. Then somehow, I started talking about that same night I was with Alex with Roman. I found it adorable at the time, and it’s still adorable as ever; that you were so much more concerned about the hickeys you gave me than I was. I legit looked like someone beat me up. But I really didn’t care, and quite frankly I was actually happy with those because of all the people I knew that would give me hickeys it was you. Weird I know.

[alexgstories]

June 14th, 2017

I was driving around today, looking for a job, and I happened upon a very startling realization; but to know this one has to know my backstory.

 I am not the kind of person who wants kids. I never really have been and there’s plenty of sound reasons. First off kids are expensive as hell and I would prefer the expenses that comes with horses. Horses. Secondly with how the world is right now, I don’t really want to bring something so innocent and pure into it. I mean just take a look at our generation. And thirdly, I really just don’t want to push a fucking watermelon out of my vagina. I really don’t want to. It screams ill-comfort.

 But I realized while driving today that I am a lot more open to that discussion with you than with anyone else that I know. And I’ve been like this about kids for a long time. So by this point I’m just laughing at how tragic I am.

 Not only have I probably gone off the deep end, I’m fucking myself over on the way. I can’t even begin to think of what you’re doing right now or what you’re even thinking or who you’re even thinking about. Part of me wishes that I’m somewhere in that because lord knows you are in my head 97% of time. I’m losing my mind here and I wish you knew that.

 I started thinking while I was in Michael’s today, how would I feel if I was dating someone else? Would I be able to actually “be there” or would I be stuck in the mind set? I don’t even know if I want to date someone else, and I know that makes me incredibly selfish I know that; but in this current moment, I don’t want to.

 I can’t help the fact that you’re not letting me in anymore, I can’t do anything about that and I wish I could. But that’s on you Gabe. I know I’ve said it and I’ll keep saying it. But I can’t not be in your life, Gabe I really can’t. I don’t think my heart could take something like that. Again. Yes, I’m being cheesy and cliché as fuck but that’s how it is for me.

 As much as I want to hate you and blame you for everything because I hurt, so fucking much, I can’t and I hate myself and you for that. Yeah, I just said I hate you for the fact that I can’t hate you. It’s like when you want to hate someone because they’re so nice and genuine but you can’t because of that genuine niceness. I guess after this I only have to blame myself. I was the one who didn’t say anything in the many chances that I had. I was the one that managed to let you worm your way into my life and stay almost to the point of parasitism.

 I just wish I knew what to do with you. I’m the kind of person that can be ok with spur of the moment things because in a life with horses many things can go right or wrong in less than the blink of an eye. But I also need some kind of structure, I can’t always do spontaneous otherwise I would actually lose my mind. I need a balance of structure of spontaneity. But despite the thing of me not knowing what to do with you, I know I need to try to get over you in whatever way I can. If that means loving someone else, even if it’s not as much as you, or not being with someone at all or something in between, I know that’s what I need to do.

 Maybe we’ll be able to figure something out or maybe we won’t. I know the chances of us working out are slim to none, I know that. But hey a girl can still dream, right? Or maybe the girl should stop dreaming and realize that life isn’t a fucking Nicholas Sparks book or even fair.

 Because life isn’t fair to those who truly need some fairness, it’s only fair to itself. But I’m always going to hope that we figure stuff out.

[alexgstories]

June 12th, 2017

In the past 2 days, I’ve realized a few more things. The biggest one is that I kind of dug myself so far deep in a hole that I’ve basically gotten to Chine; only to pour cement all over myself while in this hole. I had been debating to tell you I liked you since the last real dinner that I’d held back in like February or something. I will say that I wish I was a little soberer when we were making out but hey I had blast doing that. Minus the people continuously coming in to pee despite the locked door. What I hadn’t expected was to wake up to a fucking hickey on my back of all places. My back dude, and saying “I didn’t want your back to feel left out,” is not a good or even acceptable response.

 But all jokes aside that night was a bit like a slap to face in regards to me actually realizing I liked you; and yet it took me almost 2 whole quarters to tell you and by that point it was too late for the obvious reasons. But I really dug myself a deep shit hole, now didn’t I? And that’s all I can really say now. I mean the past 2 days have been calm days compared to the last 2 weeks so that’s a start for me to attempt getting over you.

 But like I said, or at least I think I did I don’t really want to go back and look through 5 pages of angry text. Like I probably said, I’m probably never going to really get over you. You little fucker you managed to worm your way into my cold dead-ass heart. Which only one person achieved before you but I’m not talking about him. You, according to Lexie, and I agree with her, have done so much for me and you made me a better person for myself to actually like. I mean I actually liked who I was, especially when I was with you but you are so much better for me than you might be giving yourself credit for.

 But I already knew that since freshman year. I know I’ve said it multiple times now but I’ll keep saying it. I do love you, and more than just as a friend and I just wish I could actually tell you. But I can’t talk to a person who won’t put in any effort. I’ve seen you snapchats and I’m glad to know you’re at least alive but knowing that and seeing you willingly talking to other people does hurt, more than it should seeing as how I’m used to that feeling by now.

 Actually, there’s a lot of feelings that I’m used to that I really shouldn’t be much less used to them by 18. And that was 2 years ago.

 And while I’m glad that you’re doing “ok” with that being a relative term, the very selfish part of me is mad at you. But I can give you time. If I’m being honest with myself I’m determined to actually call you sometime in July. If not to see how you are then to see if 1) you’ll answer and 2) to hear you. There’s a weird thing I have about telephone calls with people. It’s this weird intimacy about hearing someone without actually seeing them. I know it’s weird and I can accept that but I will always stand by that weird intimacy that surrounds phone calls.

So again, I love you and I’m glad that you’re doing somewhat ok, at least physically.

[alexgstories]

June 10th, 2017

It’s been nine days since classes ended and twelve days since we last talked and that was my fault. Yes, I threw a little bit of shade that day but I didn’t know what you were going through. I’ve barely started to type this and I’m already crying. In the past two weeks now, I’ve realized a few things. The first thing is that I might still get to go to my number one top pick for schools to transfer to. Second is that I don’t need all my shit together. Thirdly you don’t need your shit together, at least 100% like you’re probably thinking. Lastly is that I love you. And yes, you read that right. I love you and all your stupid little quirks that have wormed their way into my cold and ironically cynical heart.

 I understand where you’re coming from in terms of wanting to have yourself together before you started anything with me. That is if I even heard you correctly on that phone call where I’d admitted to you that I liked you. Assuming I heard you correctly in saying that you felt the same way, there’s two things I need you know right now.

 Under no circumstances, do you have to be 100% together at any time in your life. Don’t ever feel like you’re obligated to no matter what “real adults” say to you. Granted I’m not much seeing as how I’m younger than you but still. Depression fucking sucks, I know, I’ve been there and I’m still there and I probably will be for a while. And yes even the part where you’re questioning if you’re good enough at anything to get a living in any form, I get that part too despite that I know horses are where I belong. But I know how it feels to feel like you don’t belong to anything, and especially to a field where you want nothing more than to be in. I mean I’m pan in a traditional horse society where anything but a straight girl with a nice enough boyfriend isn’t really looked nicely on. And although that’s not even close to the point of what I’m trying to say, I get the feeling. I do, so much more than you give me credit for. I just want you to know that you don’t need your whole life figured out, lord knows I don’t.

 Now for that second thing. Talk about a bold statement am I right? Yeah, I know when I called you I said that I had liked you when truthfully, I think I was lying to both of us. I’ve only ever loved one person before you and it happened to be my first love, and unrequited at the same time. And the pain of that, isn’t nearly as bad as it is compared to what you’re doing to me now. I know that you’re not actually doing any of this to me it’s partially self-induced but it hurts like hell. While it took me a solid 3-6 months to get over Grisham, I don’t honestly know if I’ll ever be over you. At least not completely. If we don’t end up together then maybe we weren’t meant for anything but to be taught something. I have no fucking clue what that lesson could possibly be and I hope I’m wrong in that we aren’t meant to do something. Because I can tell you this right now, I will be damned if you think I’m letting you either get away because you don’t want to bother me with your “baggage” or for some other reason. I refuse to let what I feel go to wastes because of bad timing. Which the bad timing is all my fault, I will take 100% of the blame on that because I honestly should have said something at the end of freshman year.

 And I don’t want this to have been in vain I really don’t. Nina saw how much Grisham took out of me, and she’s seeing how much you’ve already taken and it’s so much more. She saw the damage Grisham had left behind even though it wasn’t his fault. But I can’t put all the blame on myself this time. While I know and understand getting your shit together is a more important and pressing matter than me, part of me still feels like you should have just shut me up before I said anything on that call.

 I’ve been talking about this whole thing with 3 different people and each with a slightly different opinion on the matter.

 Sarah.

Sarah thinks that I need to let you sort yourself out before you decide on anything.

 Lexie.

Bless her I love her but she thinks that once you’ve sorted everything, it’ll be all unicorns and rainbows for us and we can live “happy ever after” and all that shit.

 Then there’s Nina.

Nina thinks I need to just completely dump your ass and move on.

 Me?

I think all three of them are right in what they think. What I want though contrasts slightly with some of those views. I want you to get yourself together, for the most part, before you started anything serious. Is a gap year a good idea for you? Maybe but that’s not my call, all I know is I am definitely the one in need of a gap year. And maybe you take one too and manage to figure stuff out and maybe we end up together or something.

 Realistically though, it’s not likely to happen and that truly kills me inside. If you could actually see me right now you’d probably be pissed at me or yourself or whatever. It’s only been two weeks and not even that. Here I am typing away thinking if I should send this to you but to hell if you’d even read it much less acknowledge it like you are me. You want to know what you have done though?

 You’ve left me, crying in a goddamned pity party, sitting on me bed back home, eating fucking ice cream, trying to muster up the energy to get a job, and angry. You’ve left me alone and while I get why, I’m still angry. You left a girl, who loves you more than is good for her health, to rot. At least that’s what it feels like. You left a huge mess behind and I’m that mess and it is ugly as ugly can get. I’m talking red puffy eyes all the time, always thinking about you and trying not to cry when family is around because they’ll only yell at you for your pity party. A girl who doesn’t know what to do with her life really at all anymore because you took up a massive part of it. Who doesn’t have tissues on her at the moment as she types this while bawling and trying to not get tears and snot all over a new laptop.

 You left me alone to try and get over the fact that I love you more than I’ve loved anyone in my life, and doesn’t want anyone else to love her as much as she loves you. This is what you left behind.

 And you know what Sarah and Nina are saying? That given everything, even the circumstances considered, you don’t deserve me; and part of me almost agrees. Almost. But the majority of me knows that you do deserve me, or maybe that’s just wishful thinking. Any time that I’d talk about you with Molly she’d always say I could do better. And she’s right, completely. But every time I told her something. I didn’t want better, I wanted you. And I still do, and probably always will no matter what happens.

 But it gets better.

 A few days ago, I was listening to The 1975 and happened to look up one of their videos. You know what I saw? I saw you, in the lead singer. In the video, he looked so much like you I actually cried on the spot, thank God though that I wasn’t in public. But now I haven’t been able to really listen to anyone else. I’m stuck in what is now, a self-induced pity party listening to the one band, who reminded me of you before I knew what the lead singer looked like. And I can’t get myself to listen to anyone else despite what it’s doing to me. It’s making this cycle worse. I go to bed mad at myself for being selfish like I was and I wake up partially mad at you but mostly at myself. I can’t seem to stop.

 Everyone so far, almost everyone, is telling me to get over you, like it’s as easy as taking pictures down. They seem to forget that I love you with more than everything I have in me. So not only is my first love unrequited, it seems that my second one, to which I only believe in two chances, is also unrequited. But if it isn’t it certainly feels like it. I’d tell you to show me that you cared about me, at least platonically, but that would mean you’d have to acknowledge me, which I don’t know if you ever will. And I wish that thought didn’t hurt. I wish this whole thing didn’t hurt but better yet I wish it’d never happened in the first place. Then I wouldn’t be here where I am right now.

 In love with a man, who seems to have no intentions of reciprocating or even having the balls to at least tell me and put me out of my misery. Because I can only do so much.

 And remember how earlier when I said it gets better? Buckle in boy because it’s about to become a fucking rollercoaster for you.

 You know how everyone, not just little girls I’m betting, sometimes pretend they have futures with their crushes? Well imagine someone as cynical and doubtful about love as me, actually seeing one.

 Crazy right? I thought so too, because how can someone as hot headed and personable as me, actually see a future with someone who actually might like them? It’s impossible. Because, and I’m not going to lie I’m going to be pretty insecure in this little section, someone like me doesn’t get happy endings. I’m currently 20 and have only had one night stands and that’s about as romantic as that field gets. and that disgusts me so fucking much. It makes me feel dirty and used and that wasn’t including the rape. But just wait there’s a background story.

 I kid you not when I say every guy that ended up dating my friends used me to get to them. Cliché? Yes, but that’s exactly what happened, and that kind of left a part of me that thinks clearly there’s something wrong with me. And while I know that it isn’t true, I’m starting to feel like that with you. I know, or at least I hope, there isn’t anything that’s too much of a turn off for you about me. But what do I know? I’m just a naïve girl who though I’d actually get a birthday text when I turned 20 three days ago. I was stupid enough to think you would actually tell me to have a happy birthday because I swear to you Gabe, nothing would’ve made me happier. And I had found out there is a real way to go to England for school. Just a simple text from you would’ve made that seem like it was normal everyday news.

 But I was stupid enough to think you actually cared enough about me. So here I am, sitting on me bed at home, trying not to cry on my new laptop, which I got for my birthday, writing and angry letter explaining me in this moment right now.

 I’ve not even reached the legal drinking age and I’ve already had my heart broken by people I love, twice. I can’t even buy a drink at a bar but I can find a way to truly love someone and have it ripped apart; and within 4 years of each other.

 So I’m going to say this one last time Gabe. I love you more than I could articulate and so much more than is for my own good and health. Lord knows not talking to you, correction, you not even acknowledging my existence, is killing me from the inside. Just ask anyone. Fucking ask Roman, Lexie, Molly, Nina, even Sarah.

 I’m sure they’ll all tell you that you broke me and you tore me to pieces and that you're as asshole for it. Because you did Gabe, you really did it for me this time and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love someone like I love you. Because out of this whole thing there’s a few things I do know.

 1)    I love you.

2)    I’m so angry with you, but mostly myself

3)    I’m not meant to have anyone

4)    You will always be the best love of my life

5)    And that no matter what you seem to do, I’m always going to forgive you. Always

 The last thing I want you to know is my favorite memory of you.

And it’s when we drove around in your car in Maryland. I had never been so at peace with myself and with life in everything but that moment. And when we went to that school and you showed me that hill with the best view, and I told you that if you took a girl there, you’d have her instantly? Well you had me. In that moment, I don’t think I could’ve been anyone else’s. That moment made me happier that I have ever been. And I stand by that a year later. Because that was just the two of us. Only us and it was magic to me.

**Note that I’m not changing names, simply because none of my friends know my Tumblr. But also this is all going unedited and I really just need to get this out there. 

[alexgstories]

New Posts

To anyone who follows me, I’ll be posting about the struggles of the past month when it comes to my love lie because I need someone to see it so yeah.

[alexgstories]

Tattoos

Some people hate them and others are addicted to them. I consider myself addicted though I lack the funds to pursue all of them. When I got my first, and so far only, tattoo, it was the day I was going home for the weekend. It all actually lined up perfectly because earlier that week I’d been thrown off a horse and ended up with a concussion. Maybe 2 days later I got my tattoo which was a seahorse. People who’ve seen it keep asking me what it means and how special it is when honestly it’s just because I like seahorses.

Yes it happens to represent major parts of my life like swimming and riding but I really just wanted a seahorse as my first because it could be small and thus introducing me to process and pain that go with tattoos. When I was in The Butcher, parlor I’d gone to, it was a really good experience. Paperwork filled out and I went to the back.

I’ll admit I was really nervous because I didn’t know what my pain tolerance would be and how long it’d take. One of the advantages I had over most people is my hair. Now what in the hell would hair color have to deal with tattoos you might ask. According to science, and everyone I’ve known, redheads have a higher pain tolerance and for the most part require stronger doses of anesthesia. For example when I go to the dentist and I’m getting cavities filled. Say I’ve only got 2 cavities, one on each side; normally it’d take 4 to 6 shots of numbing agent before I really feel the drill.

So with that in mind, have a needle repeatedly pierce my skin wasn’t all that bad. It felt like a kitten that was just beginning growing in their claws scratching at me. And yes while I know that cat scratches aren’t the most desirable sensations, it wasn’t like it would have been a cat blatantly clawing at me for the hell of it. But I was in and out of the parlor in maybe 30 minutes. The longest part was filling out the paperwork and making sure the tattoo was the right size and in the right spot. The tattoo itself took maybe 10 minutes.

This was back in May. Since then, I’ve planned the next 5 or 6 tattoos I want. Granted getting them is going to be hard because most of the ones I’ve got planned are kind of big. And the bigger they get with more detail, the more money required to pay for it. And as of right now, my next tattoo is scheduled for December 16th. I’m not excited about having to wait about 2 months to actually get it but I know that in the long run, I’m going to be nothing but excited.

I’ve also noticed that some people, mostly adults roughly 30-50 are always questioning the “meaning” behind every single tattoo we get or even think of getting. You don’t have to have a reason. I mean I’m getting a Nordic compass not because it means anything to mean but because I want to. I like how it looks and that’s about as far as it’ll get. The other does have meaning though it is from an inside joke with 2 of my college best friends.

So if you’re planning to get a tattoo be reminded of a few things. Most shops require a deposit which goes to part of your grand total. That deposit, most of the time, is nonrefundable so if you make the deposit then chicken out of tattoo, you’ll lose that money. Now each shop can vary on how much theirs are but generally most places charge $40-$70. The place I go to, theirs is $60 which can seem steep if you end up getting something basically the size of a quarter but I think it’s really good quality so I’m ok with that. Next is knowing for sure what you want. You can have friend design yours and have the artist touch it up if you want or you can just make it yourself and keep it. Word of advice; let the artist touch it up. The seahorse I got, I’ll be honest, my best friend did his absolute best but there was something missing. My guy retouched it and it looked a lot better. Sorry Franze lol. Terrible name by the way.

But make sure you’re 100% ok with putting whatever it is on your body. Removals are painful and even more expensive than the tattoo itself. And make sure wherever you go is legit. No one wants to see a tattoo done by some 20 year-old college dropout who smokes in the back of an alley. It’s just not pretty at all.

Lastly, that I can think of is after care. For the love of God please do what they tell you when it comes to making sure your thing heals properly. No one wants it to not heal correctly then have to go back in to retouch it. If they recommend you buy a specific soap, you buy that soap. If they tell you to use this type of lotion, use that fucking lotion y’all. Please. No one wants to see some permanent red, scratched at, scabby, disgusting tattoo all because you didn’t want to listen to them or just felt plain old lazy. Take extra good care of whatever you get after. Please.

 xXx AG

[alexgstories]

Adult Bucket Lists

Every teenager, young adult should have a bucket list. Up until now I only had my “teen” bucket list. It includes things like seeing a celebrity, cliff diving, seeing the Northern Lights, and riding a famous horse. Yes it’s short and slightly weird with the last thing but I am and always will be a horse person through and through. I’ve only been able to check off the cliff diving but I was close to checking off seeing a celebrity. With Savannah being a popular place to film and having the annual Savannah Film Festival, one would think I should have checked that multiple times now.

The remake for Bay Watch was filming at Tybee Beach so I almost say Zac Efron, The Rock, and Alexandria Dadario but no. Parking was a bitch and I didn’t get to see them .The other time I was with Sarah and Haley and we got word on Yik Yak that Jack Black, rhymes are great, was at Leopold’s and so we ended up spending may be 15 minutes driving up and down Broughton St. passing Leopold’s but had no luck. When we looked at the time stamp it turned out to be 20 minutes before we started looking so yeah, we never saw him. T’was a sad night.

But now for the adult bucket list. It includes the following items: paying rent, bills, grocery shopping on your own, getting a job,  the possibility of dealing with accidents and insurance.

I’ve checked off all of those things. Yesterday I got into a car accident. It was my fault and I completely accept my consequences which right now are a citation that I have to pay for, dealing with a rental car, and the possibility of my car being claimed as “totaled” by my insurance even though the driverside quarter panel was the only part that got hit.

That experience was terrifying to be honest. It was my fault and when the other driver got out I was expecting her to lose her shit on me and scream at me for being a stupid driver but the first thing she did was ask me if I was ok. That told me instantly that I got really lucky for a lot of reasons.

One, we were both ok. There were no injuries to either of us, just the cars. Two, she was so much calmer about the situation than I was and made sure that I was ok even though it was my fault we were in the situation in the first place. Three, ironically she was a nurse, or at least I’m assuming she was because she was dressed in what I think were nurse’s scrubs. Four, I got really fucking lucky to only get a citation, even though technically it’s my second one. And five, my parents, as upset as they are with me adding even more financial strain on us, are beyond ecstatic that I’m safe, granted my neck is super sore.

Overall, I got really lucky. There’ve been a few instances where I’ve gotten luckier than I should have and I know that that isn’t going to last forever. I know that my parents and I will be paying for it, mentally and physically, in premiums when it comes to it, but I’m really grateful that He’s still looking out for me. I’m interpreting it as Him letting me that I’ll be taken care of in some way but I have to start learning to things on my own and that I will have learn and or pay for my mistakes in some way. But I’m alive and ok.

I’m not really a huge fan of the mandatory adult bucket list that keeps growing rather than shrinking but it’s part of growing up. As awful as it, I know I’m not going to be a kid forever. Legally I’m an adult but I’ve still got a lot to learn about being an adult. And it sucks ass while currently kicking mine.

Not to mention that a few days later I was driving back from a friend’s house when I almost got hit head on by some dumbass. The road I was on has street parking on both sides and someone ahead of me was parked talking to his friends which I had no problem with because I do the same thing and there was still plenty of room for me to go. Just as I’m about to get into the space to go through some fucker decides to come speeding through barely missing me. I’m more livid than frightened because I was just in a car accident not even 2 days before that.

But I’m really hating this adult bucket list. I want to stick to my own bucket list because it’s a lot more fun and it doesn’t involve as much responsibility. I want to visit all kinds of places and do some crazy things but I can’t really do that.

One I lack money; sufficiently so. And no one to travel with because if I did start to travel, I might drop everything before continuing college; and I can’t do that for reasons that involve being an adult and my family.

So basically being an adult sucks especially when you’re just starting out.

xXx AG

[alexgstories]

Rio

So the Olympics are starting in less than a month and people are freaking out for different reasons. Some people are more worried about the doping ring, specifically in Russia, others are concerned for viruses, some for the safety and function of the locations, and some for the water.

Those concerned for the water are more typically the Equestrians and those in water sports. Because of my background I read more about the worry surrounding the equine community.

Who would send down their multi-million dollar horse to a questionable location and not go themselves? I understand that some owners had sent down their own security to check out how construction is going with the financial stuff going on to pay for Rio. Some of the things I read mentioned that you could go maybe 6 or 7 miles down a road under construction and see only 1 person working, And they’d be sweeping.

So while I am excited for the Olympics to start, I am worried about the horses. In 2014, I believe, there’d been an equine virus, one that was highly contagious, had spread throughout Brazil through the water system. Horses drink a lot of water in one day as they to. Especially Olympic level horses, I’m worried more that something is still going to be in the water and that some locations for any sport, stopped in the middle of construction from underfunding.

This post, much like Rio might be, is kind of a mess. So I apologize because I’ve been on the road pretty much all day. I drove back yesterday 5 hours to see my brother play baseball.

Side note he played a fantastic game that was so incredibly stressful to watch and I can only imagine how stressful it was to be playing. Sadly they did lose and in order to play the next day they had to at least tie or win. Last inning the boys finally got it tied up 8-8 and because there’s a 2 hour time limit for Nations League, I think that’s what they play, the umpires put a 3rd runner on 1st so they’d force an out. Tragically the other guy hit a pop fly that didn’t get caught in time for the run to not count.

But they played a really good game. And as upsetting as it was to drive 5 hours to drive 6 more the next day, it was so good to see him play.

So anyways, a rough post I know, but it’s been a weird weekend so far. And I’m sorry it’s late. 

xXx AG

[alexgstories]

What scares me most is feeling like I’ll ALWAYS be the one who cares more.

Daren Colbert, Late-Night Confessions #3 (via wordsnquotes)

[alexgstories]

I actually love these photos so maybe I'll feel better

[alexgstories]

Ok so I know this might be a tad random for me but I really want to thank @bext-k for playing the roles she did. First in Arrow and secondly in Scream.

I started watching those shows when I was at a point where I started questioning my sexuality. And being able to see someone like her play pivotal roles like that, made me so much more comfortable with who I am and it made coming out to my friends and immediate family so much easier. 

She helped me more than any of my real life friends and I can’t thank her enough because I don’t know if I’d ever find out who I am, much less be alive to discover it. So Bex Taylor-Klaus, I thank you immeasurably for helping me like you did, even though you’ve never met me. 

[alexgstories]

Hidden in Words and Paper

So this week’s topic has to deal with readings and related works. Now everybody has their special niche on what they read; even if they aren’t really someone who reads on free will, like my brother for example. Even reading sports magazines counts because it’s something, although personally it lacks depth but then again, it’s a magazine firstly, and secondly it’s about sports. Then again I read magazine articles about baseball, soccer, hockey, and equine sports.

Anyways, everyone has their little genre they like, sometimes a little more than others if they’re an avid reader like friends I know from back home and much like myself. Although I’m technically an adult, I don’t really like reading about adult things like solving murders and such. It might be because I’m still young and have yet to experience life, but I still prefer reading things from people like Rick Riodan and John Green. So yes I like to get attached to greatly developed characters only to have them die and rip my heart to pieces or be left with awful cliff hangers that require you to sit and brood about for a year and wait for the next book to come out.

And while I’m writing this, in a cute a little café, I can see tourists, which they’re adorable and brood over the fact that I forgot headphones. Go me! But part of me wonders what the boy in the trio likes to read if he does at all. Maybe he’s into science stuff or comics or gore. Who knows; and maybe the adults in that squad like to read about scandalous romances between pool boys and married ladies or about CIA agents saving the world and getting the girl/guy.

But I’d like to think everyone has their thing. And there are wonderful parts to reading too. If you want to read something from someone unpublished, going online is a great way to do that. I use Wattpad personally but I know there’s other websites out there. I wish I could give y’all the websites names but once I started Wattpad I didn’t really look at any others. There are original stories, fanfictions about celebrities and TV shows and it’s just a great world.

Say you have a celebrity crush, like me, on Bex Taylor-Klaus. What do you do if you want to read a fanfiction about her? Either find one, you can decide on the quality of the writing to keep going or not. Or you can write one yourself. Some people who read might not like it if it isn’t factual about her actual life but personally, I don’t think that should matter to the stories. Yes it gives some insight to her personality but isn’t stalking her to find out that information an invasion of privacy?

I was talking to my best friend about it a few days ago and he told me to stalk her becvause I was slightly obsessing over her. Which I’m not going to apologize for because if you googled or searched her on Tumblr then you’d understand.

But the point is, even if you don’t like reading “real” books, maybe try finding someone online about what you like. You like baseball and want a good baseball story? Google one and see what comes up. You never know how much you like something until you really give it a try. And after saying that maybe I should reconsider trying certain foods that I don’t like even though I’ve never had them.

But say you like published books and are a sucker for books and require friends to keep a hand on your arm while walking through Barnes and Nobles. True story though, back when classes were still going on, a friend and I went to the mall and she parked in front of Barnes and Nobles. Now everyone has to understand that I hadn’t been in that store in at least a year or year and half. So when I walked in I actually cried tears of happiness. There was a point when I saw a book that’d come out a few weeks before that I had no money to buy. I decided to open up the book and smell the pages because that new book smell is to me what that new car smell to others is. After we were done with our escapades in the mall we left and on the way back out we had to go through again. And just like before I cried. Again. I tried to lose my friend so I could read in a corner and probably cry even more because I was so happy and delirious from exhaustion but she ended up having to grab my arm and power walk us out.

Quite sad but it’s really funny looking back on that. Realizing that you’re so far into being a book worm that when you walk in you actually cry; that’s when you realize how either sad your life is, or how truly happy that a store can make you. And I’m really glad that it’s a store where I could grab a book and sit for hours just reading. If I did that I’d save so much money theoretically. I’d still buy the book after reading it to read it again.

I mean I’ve reread the Percy Jackson series at least twice and now that I’m thinking about it I kind of want to go back home just to grab all the Percy Jackson books I have.

Which is all of them….

But say you don’t have the money to always spend away on books, I clearly don’t but I discovered a wonderful website that I can hopefully pass along to anyone who reads this.

BookBub.com

Now you won’t get all the books you want but you can narrow down what they email you about by way of genres you like, authors you like, etc. What’s so great about this website is that all the books are under $5 most if not all of the time. You can get them via Barnes and Nobles, Google Play, Amazon, and a few others that I don’t really remember. They email you the deals of the day every day and there’s usually a free book in that email.

I’ve already bout 5 books from them that I read on Google Play and I can honestly say that it might be the best thing I’ve done in terms of finding cheap ways to read that don’t require a library membership or a deadline. So I encourage everyone to check that out because trust me, it’ll be one of the best things you’ve done with your life.

But if you don’t like reading I’m not going to force to try any of that or even encourage you to read. Yes I’ll try to mention something about going to the library or looking something up online, looking at you Brother Dearest, but I’m not really into being that person who tries to forces they’re joys or opinions on others. That’s too much of a dick move for my taste but I’ve been told I can be a dick about other stuff, side point. But I hope you try it, if not then that’s ok. Just enjoy whatever it is you enjoy so long as it isn’t harmful to yourself or others.

xXx AG

[alexgstories]

Coffee Shop Cuteness

It’s a random topic but I thought it’d be fitting seeing as how in Savannah alone I’ve been to at least 5 different shops though I’m pretty sure that’s not even close to how many there actually are. But all the shops I’ve been to have a special place in my heart. A place that’s filled with caffeine and burnt tongues but here are my reviews on each shop, assuming I remember enough.

Coffee Fox- Broughton St.

This place is pretty cool albeit a little expensive for my taste personally. I love the horchata and horchata latte. I had regular coffee there once and I can say I liked the coffee more than the company I had at the time. This guy, Cole, had been talking to me for about a month before we met so we met at Coffee Fox. I’m not really sure what we were but I’m glad it wasn’t anything serious. He took me on a pity date and then proceeded to stop talking to me once he found out my plans to attend a school in England. Though I will say, my application is still a major work in process. But I did like it any other time I’d gone. It’s got a few tables outside and is very much dog friendly though I’ve noticed they prefer dogs be at the outdoor tables. Except Zola. She’s a service dog so she got a pass but she seemed to enjoy it too. But overall I quite like it. On a scale of 1 to 10 of cuteness though I’d say I’d give it maybe a 7.

The Foundery- Habersham St.

I went here every day during my fall quarter. I had a 2pm on Mondays and Wednesdays with an 8am on Tuesdays and Thursdays right across the road so I ended up there a lot. I got the same drink for the 2.5 months of that quarter. I know such a variety haha but I did get muffins and croissants from them and still loved those just as much as my Granger; iced and hot. But it got me through my 8am which was miserable. My professor had almost a Sigmund Freud complex. Relating literally everything we did in the class to sex. We had a music project where we had to pick a song and design a triptych out of what we imagine when we hear the melodies or the lyrics. It was hell but the Foundery got me through a lot of things. During my 2ppm Draw 100 class we’d always go at the same time every class. It’d be me and usually 3 or 4 other friends. It became our thing to where some of the other kids in the class would come in after us and get something. We’d started a trend in our class. On the  scale of cuteness, I’d say the Foundery is a solid 10. With adorable little couches, love seats, and booths, it’s the perfect place to get work done or to just read. The only thing I don’t like about it is the amount of times I’ve tripped on the bricks on the street to walk in haha.

Blends- Broughton St.

By far my favorite coffee shop other than Foundery, it’s a more modern café but nonetheless it’s wonderfully designed. A corner shop with an open window concept, it provides a great view if you want to sit, drink, and people watch. But the coffee, guys the coffee is literally the best I’ve had that I didn’t make at home. They import all their coffee from Guatemala, Columbia, Brazil, Ethiopia, and Sumatra. You go in, choose which roast you want, which go in order of lightest to darkest respectively. Next, based on what they’ve got on hand at that time, you get to choose which creamer you want in it and any flavoring. Now personally I love dark roast. I can’t stand light roast and I’m impartial to medium but I like dark roast all the way. My mom says she was like that when she was my age but then slowly went down to drinking light roast. Now to be honest I have no idea what the difference in roasts is other than that darker roasts taste better for me. But hey if you prefer a light roast I won’t argue. Coffee is coffee. So with that, any time I go, I get a Sumatra blend with vanilla flavoring and usually 2% milk in there. It’s bitter but in the good kind, kind of like when you’re eating a berry and it just hits you differently. So, like the Foundery, it definitely gets a solid 10.

Gallery Espresso- Bull St.

I can say that this little shop might be the best place if you just want to drink and read a book. Or if you feel like reading outside, assuming the humidity isn’t drowning you in sweat, you can easily order your drink/food to go and sit in Chippewa Square. I’ve been there to write and it’s quite a peaceful place. But to the café, you go up this cute little ramp and order whatever suits your fancy. With more comfy chairs to sit and curl up, it also provides a view of Bull St. Because it’s location is on the corner between a square and the street, it makes for a great place to people watch. Sometimes I even find myself watching and seeing who’s a tourist. Granted that started out as a game a friend I love to play while walking down Broughton but Gallery Espresso is just as a great place. There’s tons of variety. But the coffee is pretty great. It’s actually the only place I can get iced coffee and drink it black. Which to me is kind of weird because drinking coffee black can be pretty bitter and not in a good way. So on the scale, I would give it an above average 8. It’s a great spot but if you plan to drive to meet up with friends, plan on spending either many quarters for parking meters or a half hour looking for free parking and another half hour walking to the café.

Butterhead Greens Café- Bull St.

Before I’d gone into Butterhead, I for some reason thought it was a weed shop. That’s probably due to the design and color scheme but I’m so glad that it’s not. I’d been in Savannah for at least 10 weeks by then but I’d still never been. It was during a break of my Art History class when a friend asked if I wanted to go over with her and so I thought why not? I also had to get out that room. I don’t do well learning about art but I excel in looking at it and mostly loving it, depending on the subject. Now I’ve only had iced coffee but the real reason why I added this freaking cute as fuck little place is because of their sandwiches. I haven’t had the courage to try anything else but let me tell you, the El Matador is amazing. Like I’m talking where you overlook the price because it’s just that good, and if I could have an endless supply of those sandwiches, I’d probably not only be happy, but more than likely fat as hell. It’s my goal to try more before I leave next summer but I have an entire year to do this. But they also advertise for a ton of local things like bands, events, and charities. So it gets a good 9.

So there it is. Hopefully I’ll have more cafes and coffee shops to write about but here’s to a good old cup of Joe.

xXx AG