aliengirl-97

[aliengirl-97]

missing you is this dull ache that never leaves

[aliengirl-97]

[aliengirl-97]

[aliengirl-97]

I hate myself so much and I know its what's leading to me "wanting" to be abused, like girl just self harm normally dont seek out people who will mistreat you?? Idk. I feel so low. I hate myself, I hate being me, I hate that this is all I will ever be

[aliengirl-97]

[aliengirl-97]

Interpret this future event correctly.  You have 60 seconds.

[aliengirl-97]

[aliengirl-97]

Simone de Beauvoir, from a diary entry featured in Diary of a Philosophy Student

[aliengirl-97]

[aliengirl-97]

you can get this as a STICKER

[aliengirl-97]

if someone is

valuing you based on how much pain you can endure

valuing you based on how much you’re willing to sacrifice for them

praising you only when you give them what they want

praising you for enduring pain

praising you for forgiving them

encouraging you to take on more pain

saving their admiration for you only for times when you forgive them and tolerate what they do to you with a smile

waging their attention and demanding favours in return

insisting you should be honoured to be in their company

insisting you owe them for their time they spent with you

this person is abusing you, and at the same time trying to make you feel like abuse is good for you, and have you bonded to them and addicted to abuse.

[aliengirl-97]

im so proud of you for surviving him, i know how much it hurts living with the mental aftermath but in a year or so you'll be emotionally prosperous, i promise you deserved better, i wish i could give all of that time back to you

This means the world to me <3

[aliengirl-97]

I did it

I was finally able to get away from an abuser of almost a decade. I have a safe house of my own, lived here a few months.

I don't know if it's me exiting survival mode, or just finally being able to process, but I find it all so overwhelming. He was a monster, truly. He ruined my life.

I re-read old diaries. So much stuff I just dont remember/repressed. I see it all for what it is now.

I can't cope with the weight of it.

I wanted this to be the good bit - I could live my life and be free. And I can, I am glad every day I can have a bath, or use a toaster, make my house all pink, not have a creep around...but functioning wise I've gone so far backwards. I can't manage even basic tasks and I wanna isolate myself from everyone.

I hate this. I don't even know how to get into it in (private) therapy, cos I am still tryna form a nice, neat narrative. I dont even feel able to say it all. And I dont trust the NHS at all. Not that Ive even been able to see a doctor in months cos I'm not functioning at all.

This with suicide trauma lumped on top is hell. I'm tryna get sober but it feels impossible.

I have done some more vent art at least, I should post that

[aliengirl-97]

it makes me sick it makes me SICK

[aliengirl-97]

I hate being an adult i want to hide forever i cant believe i have to pretend to not b afraid

[aliengirl-97]

[aliengirl-97]

realizing it everyday