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[alisonalbc]

I've set myself a challenge! To push myself (literally) 26 miles in memory of Christopher and to help the amazing charity @calmzone it's called #TheLostHours and I will be doing it in October over several days, (this is because I will be doing it in my wheelchair) If you would like to donate, please click the link in my Bio. It is very much appreciated 💜

#SuicideAwareness

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Well the biggest difference in me is at the beginning of the decade I was walking and now I'm mainly in my wheelchair It's mostly been a crappie decade especially with loosing Christopher so for the next year/decade all I'm asking is for it to be a kinder one for me and my family 💜 #10yearchallenge #2020 #ThisTenYearsBestBeBetterThanTheLast https://www.instagram.com/p/B6wF7U4H0FH/?igshid=184rmgsfrbpzi

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On the 14th November, Christopher's birthday, I shared a donation button for the charity @calmzone in my Insta stories for anyone who wanted to make a donation in his name. I received this in the post and all I can say is Wow... and Thank You so so much, your generosity means so much to me and my family and I know it it'll help the people who need it, especially at this time of year Thank You all again 💜 #MyBigLittleBro #Charity #Generosity #CalmZone https://www.instagram.com/p/B6dODGMnrMH/?igshid=1tniwub710ltw

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Happy Heavenly 30th Birthday wishes to my #BigLittleBro Christopher. Can't believe that you're not here for another birthday, especially such a big one.. You should be with us, celebrating with us... I know that the family up there with you will celebrate with you and we will raise a glass to you here 💜 Miss You Forever 💜 #HappyBirthday #HeavenlyBirthday #Brother https://www.instagram.com/p/B416B4EJz7d/?igshid=1fmpht8me7qh0

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I have been going to the gym for about two years now and at the start I weighed around 7&half st and had little to no energy to push myself in my wheelchair. Today I weighed myself again and now I weigh a healthy 9st 9pounds! My body looks and feels better and my mind is healthier too which is great. My wardrobe on the other hand..... #NewBodyMeansNewClothes #HealthyBodyHealthyMind #MentalHealth (at Greenbank Sports Academy) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4CoMglJCSQ/?igshid=1w0afd53p5pbu

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Well that was a hard one this morning at the gym.. Woke up feeling meh and in two minds whether to work out but told myself no, I need to, to get out of the house, work on this fitness of mine and above all clear my mind. It's done and was hard, but glad I did it 💪🏻 🏋🏼‍♀️ #DisabilityIntoAbility #Fitness #Gym #ClearTheMind #spinabifidastrong (at Greenbank Sports Academy) https://www.instagram.com/p/B3CLqFOphNT/?igshid=df7wcajcfivw

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You are enough!

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Tune out the world, turn up the music 🎶

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One Year...

It's been one year since we lost my brother. One year of not seeing his face, hearing him speak.. Basically of just not being where he should be... With us, his family..

In some respects it seems to have flown by, but there has also been times when getting through the day has been a challenge. For me the night times have been the worst, I'm an overthinker at the best of times, but this past year I have definitely had to reach for my lavender spray many times to help me sleep.

It's been especially hard for me to watch my parents deal with their own grief, both of them do it in their own ways and there have been clashes but that's to be expected because what parent ever thinks they're going to have to bury their child? It should never happen and I wish I could turn back the clock for them and hold on to my brother tight and never let go.

But you can't turn back time.... You just have to live the rest of your life... and let me tell you, it is one of the hardest things to do! There are memories all around our home, we constantly talk about him and funny things he did growing up, and they are all good, but then there are times I've seen something funny I know he'd like and for a split second I think to myself I'll have to show him and I remember I can't... and that's when it hits me in my gut again and my heart hurts.

I know it's only been a year and it's going to take a very long time for the pain to ease, but I really do wish at times that I will wake up and it was all a horrible dream.

With the way that he passed there are always going to be what ifs. What if he never went out the house, what if I paid more attention to how he was doing, what if what if what if!

I have felt an enormous amount of guilt for not noticing things, especially when I've been diagnosed with depression myself, and I know that I'm being rediculous for it but that's just me being his big sister, working legs or not, I would have done anything for him to help get him through his dark times.

The whole family and our close friends have been amazing to me and my mum and dad even though they have been dealing with their own grief too, but the support we have been given has been unbelievable. He is very much missed, the amount of people who turned up for his funeral showed that. There's not many times lately that St Monica's Church has been standing room only, but it certainly was that day!

I only wish he knew how much he is loved and missed.....

To anyone reading this, please please please speak up if you ever feel like you need help, remember YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Christopher Joseph Thomas Cooney

You are forever remembered and missed 💔

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You do not have to apologise for existing.

You do not have to apologise for having needs.

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It sure can be..

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Be Happy 😊 💜🌈

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Numb

That's what I think best describes how I'm feeling right now.

The past two weeks have been the worst that myself and my family have had to go through and most likely will ever go through. A piece of our heart is missing... My baby brother, my big little Bro, has left us...

No longer will we see his moody face, his cheeky little smirk when he knows he's annoyed you and his shoulder shake when he really started laughing.

Just like any little brother he annoyed me so much when we were younger from scaring me any chance he could, running away from me because he knew I could never catch up with him and straight up tormenting me whenever I had friends round. Right now though I'd have all that back in a second just to see his face.

He wasn't always a nuisance, he was actually a very good brother when he wanted to be. If I needed him, he was there. We both had the same sense of humour, which we shared with our dad, laughing at the same jokes and going to see comedy shows and films we both enjoyed... I'd have that all back in a heartbeat..

Thanks to depression I can't....

The mind can be a magnificent and creative thing but it can also be a horrible, cruel thing too. I know this because I too am a person who has depression and although mine affects me in different ways to Christopher I can get that he must have felt so low... It also makes me mad that I didn't see anything! How could I not spot how much my brother was hurting?? but then didn't I try to believe that there wasn't anything wrong with me, didn't I say "I'm fine"....

I wish I could have done something, I wish he would have spoken up sooner, but all the wishing in the world won't bring him back no matter how hard I try....

I will now and forever be grateful for the brother that I had the honour of having in my life these past 28 years, the memories I will cherish forever...

To anyone reading this, if you ever feel low or like you can't go on, please please please speak up! You are not alone and there are always people willing to help and support you

The support us as a family have received these past weeks has been unbelievable and we are forever grateful for your cards, thoughts and prayers. On behalf of myself and all of my family, I'd like to say thank you 💜

Christopher Joseph Thomas Cooney, Gone but NEVER Forgotten 💜💔💜

https://youtu.be/1w7OgIMMRc4

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🎉Happy New Year🎉

Yeah I know I’m a little (ok a lot!) late with that but it’s taken me a little while to figure out what I wanted to say..

2017 was one busy year, firstly I had the honour of being bridesmaid for my best friend Jess as she and Ian got married. I was a bag of nerves that day and it had nothing to do with the bride and groom (sorry Jess) but because I was going to be facing a fear of mine… Walking down the isle on crutches… All eyes on me and me petrified that I was going to fall flat on my face and ruin their special moment. Thankfully that didn’t happen and my sweaty hands kept tight hold of my crutches and I stayed upright, made it and the rest of the day was perfect.

The next big thing was my fitness. After coming to terms with the fact that I am not likely to ever come off my crutches and that my wheelchair will play a huge part in me getting my independence back, I realised (with the help of my psychologist and new physio) that I needed to build up my strength in my upper body, so I joined a gym! The one I chose to join is for both abled bodied and people with disabilities though everyone just treats everyone the same as we all have the same goal.. To get fit. When I first started my upper body didn’t know what hit it! Everything hurt and I was knackered after every visit but sadisticly I loved it! I loved mixing with other people again and that after only a short time I could really notice how much working out made moving around in my wheelchair much easier and the fact that after a year and a half I actually started to put weight on and my appetite started to come back. Another thing I noticed was how my mental state felt each time. I started to believe in myself and that was a major breakthrough for me as for months before I didn’t know how I was possibly going to live the rest of my life independently but thinking time in the gym, talking to one of the employees there (who himself has been a wheelchair user most of his life) has made me realise that I can.

The last big thing of 2017 was another wedding, the one of my brother Christopher and Allaura. Again I was bridesmaid and again I was so nervous about walking down the isle, mainly because this time all eyes on me would be family and no way would I want to mess that up. Thankfully again I managed it and got to watch my little brother get married. Not even the snow could stop me enjoying and celebrating the perfect weekend, though my dad did have a bit of a time pushing me in my wheelchair though the snow!

Now it’s 2018 and I’m going to carry on with the same energy and positivity I had in 2017 and also add on it by hopefully sometime in the near future getting myself back into the world of work 😱

2018… I’m ready for you!