all-emotions-head-empty

[all-emotions-head-empty]

Update:

I'll only be uploading 1 a week. This is more just a reminder to myself than an actual update to the blog since I doubt people would want to read some anti-social shut ins edgy trauma dump.

[all-emotions-head-empty]

7/11

I hate the fact that I can't think for myself. I hate that it physically when I want to do something. God I'm such an ugly hearted cowered that shouldn't exist.

[all-emotions-head-empty]

7/10 rant

I don't understand why I'm so stubborn. I hate how I don't know how to quit. Most of the time the energy only brings me pain or makes everything worse. I just want to give up but that stupid part of me won't let me at all. I don't know why I'm like this but it probably stems from one of my parents and maybe that's why I hate it a lot.

[all-emotions-head-empty]

7/9 rant:

I feel numb. I don't know why or for how long I'll feel like this. All I know is that it's been like this for nine whole years. I try to do things to distract it but that only lasts for as long as the distraction. I don't hate the feeling at all I just think that it's a bit annoying to deal with. Over all it's something that I think I need to work on.

[all-emotions-head-empty]

7/8 rant

I don't care a lot about things. I like to do my own things and to do them by myself. I don't hate that people want to be around me or that they want me to do something with them. If I'm honest I'm very much indifferent to it all. If they're happy I don't mind. I do feel bad that I can't show my emotions that much. If I'm honest I don't like emoting when I'm happy, sad, or angry. It's just tiring to do all that. I don't think it matters because I still feel them even if I don't show it to people.

[all-emotions-head-empty]

7/7 rant

I hate faking my true feelings around others. It hasn't been like this for my whole life but it didn't happen recently either. I have no choice in the matter about it though, I mean if I'm not happy all the time around people or if I sound just plain dead no one would want to hang around me at all. I've had people leave for this reason and it sucked. Maybe it's for the best that people leave but they could at least not get involved with me at all. I don't care about how sad I feel when they leave I just hate how everything that the two of us did together meant absolutely nothing at all.

[all-emotions-head-empty]

7/6 Rant

I hate that I was born a woman. When I was younger my father told me often that he wanted a son. I was left alone a lot as a kid, so growing up I genuinely thought that my parents would love me more if I was born as a male instead, sadly even now I still feel like that might be the case. Growing up I was envious of my male schoolmates because they had that thing that I could never have in my eyes. This envy eventually wedged itself in my relationship with my older brother and for a long time I was mad at myself for being jealous of something that I could never control and something that made me to have angst towards someone who I usually had a good and healthy friendship with. I never can tell the people in my life that stuff like this messed up how I looked at myself for a long time and how I haven't fully recovered from it at all. My angst from this had just developed into a sea of self hatred. I grew up pass the point of caring about what's inside my pants but I still feel uncomfortable around men and I could never be in a relationship with one.

[all-emotions-head-empty]

7/5 rant:

I want to disappear far far away from my life. I don't even want to live in it anymore. I hate how much trouble I cause for others around me and how much I can't do anything about it. I would like nothing more than to wake up in the middle of nowhere far away from anything in my life. If I was gone from my own life it would solve every problem in it.