allymadness-blog1 - Tumblr blog

[allymadness-blog1]

Message to everyone who belittles mental health issues...

You can't just "try harder" and fix a chemical imbalance. Chemicals in your body don't respond to how badly you "want" something. That's like saying someone didn't beat cancer because they didn't "want it bad enough". You cannot will away an illness.

[allymadness-blog1]

One of the hardest things to explain is that a dog’s tail wagging doesn’t mean that dog is happy.

My bf’s family dog used to be very possessive about balls, and his parents would allow their teenage son (not my bf) to reach for the ball and tease the dog. When the dog lifted his lip and growled, and I said he wasn’t enjoying it, they reassured me he was as he was “wagging his tail”. The dog was very stiff, and his tail would be very stiff and frantic also. There was no point explaining this, as they'd never believe it. They went on to assure me he wouldn’t bite even if he was unhappy, because “he knows who’s boss” *sigh*

What a Wagging Tail Really Means

“Oh look how happy that dog is! I’m going to pet this dog because it is obviously happy to see me!” *Immediately gets bit*

A wagging tail does NOT automatically mean “happy and friendly dog who wants to see me!” It could! But it sometimes doesn’t. 

A wagging tail simply means an intent or willingness to interact. It is an emotional response or arousal. It does not say whether that intent is playful, friendly, or aggressive. Therefore, the other body language signals the dog is expressing should be carefully read and interpreted as well, instead of automatically assuming that a wagging tail is a happy one.  

[allymadness-blog1]

Sasha went on her biggest hike ever today, her stamina easily lasted the 2.5 hours we were out. She also gave me a seizure alert on the canal, which is rare outside the house :) We had an awesome walk. The tide washes up all sorts of shit, so we used a large plastic crate and a narrow plank to work on confidence and body awareness. I was expecting Sasha to need some counter conditioning to the crate (her biggest fear since puppyhood was a solid metal grate, and a few other surfaces have concerned her), but she happily hopped on immediately -PROUD! She also thoroughly enjoyed splashing through the *stinkiest* bog ever. She was back to wearing 'mud boots' hahaha! Also I love the family photo with Sasha lying down, it's my favourite :)

[allymadness-blog1]

This.

You’re so fucking ableist and gross if you think disabled people living off benefits get “paid to do nothing”.

[allymadness-blog1]

Crate rest for a puppy

Crate rest is ruining my dog.

Toller shattered every connecting bone in her left paw when, on a walk, an off lead Labrador sprinted across a field and ran into her. The vet prescribed 6-8 weeks rest, and we only narrowly avoided an operation to rewire Toller’s bones or amputation. Toller was 5 months old when this happened.

We’re approaching 4 weeks into crate rest and the difference in Tolly is heartbreaking, she’s a totally different dog now :(

Before this happened she was spunky, ALWAYS happy, and she loved everyone / everything. We’ve tried our absolute hardest to stimulate her during this period (more on that later) but obviously for such a young dog, and an energetic one to boot, nothing is gonna be enough when she has to stay still and not move AT ALL.

Things we’ve done over the past month:

- puzzle feeders (we found Toppls worked best, it has to be a puzzle feeder she can empty whilst it’s being held, and she doesn’t feel the need to use her paw)

- high value edible chews (beef knuckles, chicken feet etc - held no interest whatsoever)

- training (again it’s very hard finding training games that don’t get her too excited or require movement. The best I thought of was holding out treats then asking Tolly to make eye contact with me instead of looking at them)

- telling stories to her (this has to be used rarely otherwise it dies nothing, but can work really well. Different voices and hand gestures should be used for maximum effect)

- carrying her on walks (this at least gets some sort of socialisation and exposure to the world done, but she’s just miserable)

- picking up litter, branches, leaves or grass for her to sniff and play with (gets old fast)

- letting her ‘bother’ other pets (we have bomb proof guinea pigs and Toller loves rootling about in their hair!!)

None of this has been anywhere near enough, and despite the fact Toller has coped with crate rest better than any of our other dogs would have, it’s still changed her a lot. She’s a sad, timid pup now, who’s miserable regardless of what’s going on and let’s off stress signals easily.

I know she’ll most likely get much better once crate rest is completed, but the fact of the matter is she missed out on a massive amount of socialisation thanks to this injury, and she’ll never be the dog she could have / should have been.

I feel tremendously sorry for her. I miss her SO MUCH too; since she got injured I’ve been too scared to hold her incase she flails and hurts her paw worse, but even just stroking her is tough as she wiggles like crazy.

I can’t wait until this is over. I feel so sorry for my baby…

[allymadness-blog1]

Me and my dog, we are goofy.

My hypomania is getting worse. I hardly ever have hypomanic / manic episodes anymore, but the longer days and approach of summer gets me every. frickin’. time. I forget every year how much it makes me hate summer!

It’s unavoidable, and once I’m in this upward spiral of mania there’s fuck all I can do about it. In the past week the most sleep I’ve had in one night has been 6 hours, with most nights averaging 4-5. It’s just after 4am and I’m not tired, at all. Laaaame.

So weird being on the road to mania (is that like the road to Wrestlemania?!), it hasn’t happened in so long. I used to bounce from depression to mania and back again, over and over. I’d have 3-4 manic episodes a year…now I rarely experience more than one.

[allymadness-blog1]

Today I made the decision to not publicly work Sasha anymore, but have her as my at home assistance dog. This isn't her fault at all, she's great...but I'm too ill atm to do the public training she needs. I'm so tired of planning public access training trips, only to head out and have seizures, try my hardest to push through it and keep going because she NEEDS this training, then admit defeat and just cry. Because she is doing so well with her tasks though, we'll continue this and she'll be an at home assistance dog :) Currently she knows: - seizure alert - seizure response - stim interrupt - anxiety alert - finger dislocation interrupt Another thing with mentioning is that, because I'm too ill atm to really go anywhere, Sasha can come with me literally everywhere I go anyway...in the last 6 months I haven't been anywhere Sasha couldn't go XD I feel a huge weight off my shoulders. Initially I was beating myself up for failing Sasha, but she doesn't care! If anything she'll love the extra off lead hikes!

[allymadness-blog1]

I lost a lot with bipolar - the ability to work, go to uni, have nights out with friends, go out on my own...I finally just about came to terms with that, only to (years later) get epilepsy.

I'm still very much grieving. I've lost what little I had. There are so few things I can and enjoy anymore. I'm essentially housebound now, other than hiking with my pups when I'm able - at least then I can stop and rest during/after seizures without the rest of the world oggling...

The grief from chronic illness is real, and it can cut deep. It’s understandable if you’re sad, angry, or confused. If small things have big effects on you because they remind you of the future you lost. If it takes you a long time to come to terms with it all, or if it sneaks up on you long after you thought you’d accepted it.

You can have a good life with chronic illness, but that doesn’t mean that the loss you are feeling isn’t real. Give yourself permission to feel sad. Give yourself permission to heal 💜

[allymadness-blog1]

Happy World Bipolar Day everybody!

On this world bipolar day I’ve been floored by a killer cold and rendered useless due to insomnia thanks to hypomania. A week of such little sleep and I feel dead. At least fitting for WBD…

Today the kitten arrived from our rescue. She’s a tiny 11 month old female, but is about the size of a 5 month old kitten. She has an incredible personality and is goddamn adorable. I would seriously love this kiddo to be a foster fail, but I need my Collie cross to get on okay-ish with her before we commit. She’s so damn spunky though and loves me already.

Shout out to my partner too who has been utterly incredible these past few days especially. He’s my full-time carer and helps me through a lot of shit, so definitely deserves a mention on WBD ;)

[allymadness-blog1]

This.

Unpopular opinion apparently, but can’t we all just at least entertain the idea that rehoming a pet isn’t the absolute worst thing you could possibly do? Can we at least be open to the possibility of rehoming - and I’m talking about rehoming, taking proper time to screen possible homes and picking the most suitable one, not dumping them anywhere - sometimes even being the best option, even (or especially) for the animal? That it does not automatically make you selfish and irresponsible?

Pet owners losing heart or ability is never ideal, and ideally shouldn’t happen but it does, life happens, shit happens, and I personally feel that it sometimes may be better to look for a new and better situation than forcing a bad one out of pride or stigma. Nobody should be trapped in unhappy circumstances. That goes for animals, too.

[allymadness-blog1]

Holy shit I feel AWFUL.

Hypomania, insomnia, seizures and a killer cold has got me good. I feel so drained. My brain's pressuring me to get up and do things, but when I move I feel like I’m gonna pass out. I’m so damn exhausted.

I’m oozing ill :(

It’s times like this I regret having four medium-high energy dogs haha. I’m sorry guys, I need you to understand that preparing your meals is about all I can do today…thank god for my partner who can at least let them out to the garden and play with them XD

[allymadness-blog1]

My mum spent the first 6 months after I was diagnosed with bipolar telling me I just needed to "add more strings to my bow" (her way of telling me to get a job)...because y'know, when you're swinging between suicide and believing you can fly, all you need is a job XD

me: I’m mentally ill and struggling to get the energy to do tasks that are necessary for my everyday life

a neurotypical: having you considering taking on several time consuming and tiring hobbies, such as running, getting up at 5am to do yoga, and making green smoothies with 20 ingredients every day

[allymadness-blog1]

We got some fantastic news about Tolly from the vet today! 3 weeks ago a Labrador sprinted across a field and plowed into Tolly, resulting in her breaking every connective bone in her left paw. We narrowly avoided a surgery to rewire her bones or amputating the leg, and for the past 3 weeks she has endured strict crate rest, with the only time walking being to potty. At her check up today the vet said Tolly is healing faster than any of the vet staff anticipated. We were also advised that within a week we can let her walk around the house a little! We are absolutely thrilled with Tolly's progress. The first two vet appts were very negative; vets told us Tolly would never walk again and, at best after the rewiring surgery, she would be left with a painful limp and lame in that leg. With that in mind, we looked into amputation and spoke with tripawd dog owners. We decided we would let Tolly heal with crate rest, and take it from there with amputation as our back up. Just after this we were seen by a much better vet. She gave us a lot of information & actively told us not to opt for rewiring as it most likely wouldn't improve her recovery, it was extremely invasive, and there was also a very high chance of getting stuck in a loop of needing procedure after procedure. My research had said the same, hence amputation where she'd at least be able to walk pain free. This vet said she saw no reason why Tolly wouldn't recover fabulously on her own, and so we opted for that. Three weeks into a proposed 6-8 weeks crate rest, and Tolly is rocking it! She doesn't limp at all when pottying, and 100% official crate rest is already over! Love this pup :)

[allymadness-blog1]

I love this. Mental health professionals have thought me ungrateful or 'difficult' so often over the years, because I don't agree with the treatment they're offering. I have a right to form my own opinion about my care!

I've started having dozens of seizures daily within the past year, and my GP has put me on a 9-12 month wait to see a neurologist...like, I'm supposed to be grateful you've ignored NICE guidelines and have left me with no support whatsoever for up to a year?! Whatever...

Please kill the narrative that chronically ill and disabled people are ungrateful or entited when the systems meant to help us simply don’t.

Medical institutions are built on the idea that they are always right and its reinforced by the prestige society gives them. Getting told by a patient that they aren’t listening and need to prescribe/test for something else? Well aren’t they ungrateful for the help they receive. Not that they are failing their patients and potentially costing lives.

Disabled and chronically ill people can and do put their entire lives on hold for years or even decades waiting for a simple test or treatment they know they need. It should not be called ungrateful to demanded to be listened to.

[allymadness-blog1]

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Sasha turns 34 weeks old today, so time to do a training entry for 33 weeks :)

Known cues: Sit Down Stay Touch Leave it Stay Ah ah (stop what you’re doing & come to me) Let’s go (begin walking) Keep up Back up This way Go get daddy Find it Side (come to my side to cross a road) Stop (freeze) Two (front paws on an object) Between Face boop Paw Head up (leave it & focus) TASKS Front block Stim interrupt / alert Seizure alert Seizure prop

She’s rocked some PA training trips this past week. She’s coped with a heaving town centre and people everywhere, heeled in a pet shop past bones and treats, and done things several times without being cued, eg when I was stood up feeling confused & frustrated due to seizures and she came up to me and did a front block.

She learnt paw this past week as I wanted her to use it for stim interrupt instead of nose nudges. She actually picked this up really quickly, and transferred it to the alert herself, which was amazing. It’s much more effective now.

Heeling is as good as ever, and she’s getting much better at not even trying to sniff litter/ food. We had two extremely hard things for her to ignore (freshly hit dead pigeon on the road & a dropped rib bone), and we stood about and worked on engage-disengage until she was doing it with ease and not even tempted to move toward the ‘thing’.

What I want to work on: - more time sitting in busy areas with Sasha remaining still, calm and confident - heeling in busy areas - confidence with lorries going past. Our town, though tiny, is surprisingly busy & if too many lorries go past too close, Sasha gets overwhelmed and skittish - building up the length of stays indoors, working on them more outdoors, and doing them in busier places where she’s expected to sit beside me - DPT (she knows this, but we don't have it super reliable yet) - between & moving in that position - we need to get on a bus. She’s great on buses but I want her to walk onto one herself, she’s only been carried on before and I don’t know how to get her to walk on herself (which she WILL be scared of) when the driver and other passengers will have no patience :/

[allymadness-blog1]

I've been arguing professionals and parents on this point for years...I mean, of course my illnesses define me!! They dictate every little thing I do and how I feel a lot of the time. Ugh.

“Your illness doesn’t define you”

Getting so fucking sick of seeing this one on my social media feeds and in e-mails. My illnesses absolutely define me, because they’ve taken away everything that used to define me, and now everything that’s left was shaped by my illnesses. Stop making me feel less valid because of my limitations!

[allymadness-blog1]

Ugh, today has been awful.

I’ve had a lot of seizure rage today, a huge amount of brain fog, and my memory is abysmal. I’ve had a good few days for seizures now, so this came out the blue and has left me tired and miserable.

Managed a walk with Sasha tonight. She was such a crazy pants!! She was off lead for about 45 minutes and doing zoomies the entire time…bizarre for her as she’s medium energy at a push!

On the way back we’d just vested her to show she was now in ‘work mode’, and saw two young children on bikes and their dad with a dog crossing the extremely narrow bridge towards is. Sasha has just gone 8 months old, we’re always working on impulse control, but kids on bikes and a dog would be too much so close.

We turned and heeled to the side, leaving a gap of about 6ft for them to pass. The kids go past thanking us, Sasha’s at side doing the engage-disengage game…the dad then comes off the bridge with his dog, and walks the dog right up to Sasha!!

The guy actually left the path so his dog could sniff Sasha in the face, despite the fact I’m clearly working with her, she has a service dog cape on and patches that read IGNORE ME.

Obviously with a dog sniffing her face Sasha loses focus, and it was so unexpected I didn’t know what to do, so just kept trying to move her away and asking for her focus…if I’d known it was gonna happen I’d have released her to say hi, not setting her up to fail.

The idiot eventually moves his dog on, and Sasha refocuses on me almost immediately. All in all it was probably a good training experience for Sasha, but that guy was a moron…