alter-eden

[alter-eden]

the exam went good, idk how. so ig we're gonna stay alive

im probably going to kms on april 2nd. there's like a 50% chance depending on whether the exam goes well so yea bye lol. not that anyone cares but still 😭

[alter-eden]

i just realised something. i have never ever talked to a guy apart from my brother. like anything longer than a minute. i went to an all girls school my whole life. i didnt have any friends outside school so no guy friends. never really went outside without my family. i mean i don't really have any urge to talk to them but kinda crazy that im 17 now and i haven't ever talked to a guy lmaoo . i am basically a female incel

[alter-eden]

Belgians must be stopped

[alter-eden]

i was truly such an unhinged child lmao

i was just looking at an old slambook/journal of mine and saw that in the 'my greatest wish' section, I had written "I want to beat up all of my classmates till they start crying" 😭 I WAS 8 😭😭😭 that was all just bc they ignored me which made me cry and then they called me a crybaby (which truthfully i was)

that rlly sheds some light on why lookism was my fav webtoon when I was 11

[alter-eden]

i don't believe in him but i know that if god exists, he loves fucking with me. i am probably a huge joke up there. all my life, i have always been second. i always fail but only barely. im always just one inch away from reaching my goal. i always wanted 1st rank in my school, but i never got it. i would always be off by 1-2 marks. never more than that, just close enough that it burns the most. i almost got selected for the state team but i lost by one point. one fucking point. i got 94.75 percentile in jee, if I had gotten 0.25 marks, I would have gotten my face on the big board outside the school. my mother would share the poster with her friends. if only i had. just 0.25. just enough to make me want to claw my face off. i just wish i could fail properly. so that i truly feel it. i wish i don't have to always have this "what if" thought in my head making me crazy. i wish i was dumb so i didn't always feel like i was disappointing everyone. just once my mother wouldn't say, "im not angry because you scored less, im angry because i know you're not working your hardest" "you're wasting your potential" i don't want this fucking potential. i don't want to prove anything. i just want to be a loser. a complete loser.

[alter-eden]

i hate how i have become. i hate being alone so I seek out friends. I pretend to be someone else just so they like me. But it never lasts, i always get too tired of it, and once the facade fades, they disappear too. I hate being lonely but I want to be alone too sometimes. But they are people, not things. I can't talk to them one moment and then ignore them because I don't feel like talking that day. who the fuck is going to deal with that? why would they? I keep blaming others, that "there's no one who understands me" crap but the friends i do make, i lose them by being a fucking idiot. you have to share things with people, open up. how do i expect people to deal with me when even i have fucking given up on myself? i am going to die alone and i will deserve it. i wouldn't be because of anyone but myself.

[alter-eden]

The thing about myths is that ultimately they're just made-up stories. There is no such thing as the most real version, as there is no such thing as the most valid shape of a shadow. Light source changes, and it's completely different again. Historical records of different sources are naturally their own thing, but as far as myths are myths, every variation of the same tale is still just as much another valid variation of it. You can just fucking say whatever.

The earth turns cold and dark and fruitless in the winter because Persephone has returned to the underworld to stay with Hades, and Demeter grieves being apart from her daughter. Ice and frost form beautiful flowers in your windows because Persephone is pegging him.

[alter-eden]

[alter-eden]

tumble really wants me to watch terror

unfortunately if I do watch it, with my life-defining exam in 17 days, my actually fucking life will become a terror.

no idea what the fuck I’m doing. I have got a test in 5 hours which I’ll give with 2 hours sleep, barely finished half the syllabus, took double my dose of adhd meds, drank 3 cups of coffee, am running on idk even what the hell

please let the test go well, I’m really just going to jump right out the window if I score less that 110

[alter-eden]

[alter-eden]

3 January 2025

Dear Diary,

My father came home 4 days ago and left today (he works in a different state). Surprisingly I didn’t end up fighting with him. I didn’t fight with my mother too. That’s rare. I feel okay lately. It’s weird, the exam has come so close that my stress has sort of disappeared. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. It’s sort of like I have given up. Or I have realised that whatever going to happen will happen anyways, whether I stress or not. I have basically no time left.

I had a mock test today. it went shit but I’m still sort of happy. The reason is that despite scoring bad, I knew the answer to most of the questions or at least the way to do them. The only reason I didn’t attempt them was because of less time/forgot formula/calculation error which are all at least solvable rather than conceptual problem so good news I think.

On different news, my first two best friends of my life (loser behaviour) have started ignoring me. I think they’re bored of me, which I don’t really blame them for. We just don’t have anything in common. the only reason they became friends with me was that I would make silly jokes, act clueless and basically act like a clown to make them keeping liking me. Even punched a guy because they dared me and I wanted their approval. Now I’m too fucking tired and stressed to do stupid antics for them and they are bored of me. I mean I did expect that but fuck it makes my stomach churn. Cried in the school washroom like a total fucking loser because they ignored me all day.

I knew the friendship wouldn’t last. I kept getting signs from 2 months ago so I prepared myself to not get attached but of course I’m a fucking wimp. The classic signs like usual. Secrets/inside jokes they don’t tell me because it’s ‘nothing’ or ‘I won’t understand’. Ignoring me unless I talk to them first. Even then giving half-assed responses. The giggles at anything I say which they won’t explain why. And ofcourse the last straw, not inviting me to her birthday party but inviting three random guys who they started talking to a month ago. Anyways don’t know why I get so affected every time, maybe cause they lasted a little too long so I gained a little hope they won’t leave me too.

Fuck if I’m going to be alone, let me atleast be rich and alone.

[alter-eden]

when you know completing a show will wreck you in pieces but you can't stop watching .......... yeah.... great

[alter-eden]

decides to start an online journal and gets bored in 2 days......typical

[alter-eden]

I am

watching black sails s1

get to the ep where billy drowns

search ‘billy bones’ to find if he died

read the wiki article about billy bones

notices 2 hours have passed and now i'm on the fabian society wiki

not sure if i hate my adhd or love it sometimes

[alter-eden]

29 December 2024, Sunday

Dear Diary,

I had a fight with my mother today. It was pretty bad.

I then wrote this while I was angry,

"I fucking hate her, she’s always the victim, no matter what happens. She can hit me but i’m the bad one for making her angry enough to  hit me.  She does things for me just so she can berate me for it. “I do  so much for you. I make you good food, i help you in everything and you are so ungrateful”. i just slept for long today. I then asked her that i wanted to be alone in my room to study just because she keeps talking and disturbing me. Apparently that means i deserve to be screamed at and for her to start crying about how she’s does so much for me and how bad of daughter am i. Fucking melodrama all the time. I just hate her. I want to leave here, i just can’t anymore"

It's strange how much your mind twists in anger. I didn't just told her I wanted to be alone. I shouted at her to go away when she was only worried that I wasn't eating and was sleeping for too long. Yes, she did maybe overreact by crying and slapping me but didn't I too? We're both opposites and not in a good way. Anger issues and a victim complex don't go well together. At least she was the one who apologized (by cutting fruit for me like a typical asian mom). I couldn't even bring myself to say sorry with my damn ego. I hate what I have become. It's like the studying has somehow tripled my anger. It just takes one spark for me to fucking turn into some kind of a monster.

My father is coming tomorrow so I'm l happy about that. I haven't seen him in 2 months (it's ironic how i say this though i know i will end up fighting with him too)

[alter-eden]

28 December 2024, Saturday

Dear Diary,

I'm Eden. Though that's not my real name. My real name means 'Angel'. I always found that funny. My mom used to joke around that i should have been named Demon instead. I was always a naughty kid and then ended up a rebellious teen. Not rebellious as in drugs, alcohol and partying though. I never had much friends and i don't like leaving the house. Just shouting and fighting with my family. Also not doing my schoolwork and stuff but i always got excused because I was a smart kid.

Unfortunately, you don't stay a big fish in a small pond for long. I'm Indian so unlike others, we don't have to write an essay and submit applications for college. Extracurriculars don't matter. There's one nationwide examination for your particular field. I'm preparing for JEE which is an engineering exam that each year around 1,400,000 students give.

Unlike school, my prep for this was going absolutely shit. I never "studied" in school, used to just get good grades because it was all easy. But Jee prep wasn't easy. I was scoring less than 90/300. Used that 'gifted kid burnout' whatever excuse. I then got diagnosed for ADHD two months ago. Meds work now but I have no time left. The exam's in a month. My score has increased to 130/300 but it's still shit. If I don't qualify, i'm going to be....well, nothing. My parents aren't rich. They don't have enough money for a private college unless they take a loan. Even if I qualify for a student loan, there's no guarantee I will get a job to repay it if I go to a private college (they're shit). My life's basically finished. Would need to take a mediocre job and marry some random guy to get me 'settled'. I wouldn't have to do that if I was rich. I could take a gap year but I fucking hate the thought of it. No one in my family had to take one. It's better than making my parents take a loan but I will be the fucking laughingstock of the family. And if I still don't qualify.....I will probably jump a building, I'm not even joking.

I feel so fucking anxious all the time. I keep overdosing the adhd meds hoping it would make me magically ...i don't know..normal. It's the one month that's going to predict the rest of my life, isn't that fucking fun?

The fights keep gettign worse. I shout at my mother, She shouts back. We ignore each other. I can't bring myself to apologize and feel like fucking killing myself because I need her. I don't want to fight with her but I just feel so angry all the time. I really feel like a fucking demon.