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[always-sunny-in-alaska]

Lets Fang (READER INSERT)

hi i want to post my writing so please enjoy.

You should have noticed the signs of your ‘friend.’ The way he was a little too pale then most on the beach town where it seemed liked the sun never went down.  How he always wore sunscreen and held a blue umbrella with him, even in the late afternoon. You figured he was just eccentric or at least Nordic. 

You should had noticed the way his dark eyes reflected a murky red in the lights of the wafflehouse or how he never seemed to sweat or grow warm. Always cold to the touch. Always clammy. But that didn’t mean anything? Most skinny white boys are cold and awkward.

Even with all the signs, you blatantly didn’t see who Thaddeus Whitlock really was. His name itself should of gave it away, but you didn’t believe in vampires nor any being from old wise tales. It was just the wet dreams of teenages threw out the eras. 

Until it wasnt. 

He effortlessly climbs on top of your body, it shivers in hunger as his cold fingers run up and down your body. Staring up him you’re meet with the hungry primal look that’s dangerous close. Fear spouts in your soul for that moment, it’s uprooted when Thaddeus takes your linked hands and presses them into the pillow to the side of your wet head, kissing you with eager from your lips to your shoulder, half his naked body laid on top of yours. the cold refreshing as your feels like it on fire.    

A snap of a manicured finger snaps you back into the tiny classroom. The girl, Cherry looks at you with a mischivous expression. Cinnamon ringlets framing her doll like face

“You wanna go to Wafflehouse? Maybe drinks? i have sme vodka in my car we can spike the oj.’”

“Well..Sure” you say looking for an excuse but none were appearing. Letting out a faux breath, you gave cherry a tight lip smile and nod. Satisfied with herself cherry turned away to gather a few more classmates for a late night dinner. everyone tend to ignore eachother in night classes, everyone but Cherry understood that most didnt want to be here but because of the unforantue of their daily lives thier cursed to be here. 

you cant help but twitch you eye at the loud wishpers, scanning the room, landing on a duo of familiar faces, the taste of acid in your mouth.              Weston and Steven, two boys you went to high school with and was once close friends. They look over at you, eyes gleaming with shit eatting grin on thier faces.

Weston was a very broad fellow with a blond mullet. Someway, somehow, some hick from the 70s had found thier way into the future. He wore a black Ed hardy T-shirt and jean shorts with American flip flops. His hat was from the construction Bussines he worked on, a father and son construction where the family owning it hasn’t picked up a hammer in decades. 

Steven looks slightly better, he’s the same height as Weston but wider with curly brown hair hiding his small dark eyes. He wears long plaid button up under a north face vest and khaki shorts, with working boots that’s never stepped foot on anything that isn’t pavement. He’s the son from the construction bussines that’s never touched a hammer. 

You ignore them, packing your notebook into your bag. Walking out of the night class, ignoring cherry calling your name. You couldn’t stay in that room. the rotten smell was filling up the room.  If it wasn’t midway threw the last semester you would’ve transferred schools. taken online courses, But since it’s only few more week untill graduate, you decide to suck it up and control yourself from lunging at those bastards.

reaching the front door of the bulidng you realized today was national bastard day. 

“why are you here?” You spoke, voice smooth and even. making a beeline towards the dull yellow Volkswagen, the cool night wind blowing through your hair, The man that sat on the hood seemed to be unphased by your glare.  

There he sat a brooding mess, his lips full and red. In your short amount of years, you had never seen such a bright shade, and for a moment grew jealous of the lipstain. 

You laughed bitterly, ignoring the looks from the man and other students around the parking lot lifting a hand to wipe at his mouth, pulling back once your fingers were the same color at his lips. You gave your fingers a lick. it tingled going down.

“Oh I love Koolaid. Brought me any?” You asked opening the driver side door, tossing the bag of books off your shoulder and into the passenger side. Becoming more aware to the others around to them. The girl jogging towards her car, blooding rushing in her veins. The boy picking a scab as he talked with his friends, the scent of blood rushing to your nose once he broke skin. The smell of the dried roadkill Weston had hit with his large truck. It all attacked you. 

The man on the car known as Thaddeus noticed your actions. 

“No” he smirked, focusing you in front of him, you held your keys tightly, so tightly that one of the keys started to bend. 

“I have some at home though. Come with me?” Thaddeus asked, it caused another laugh from you. 

“No I’ll make my own.”

“Your sloppy at- at making Koolaid. You don’t know the rules.” Thaddeus insisted, turning around to face you. 

“I know enough. Never got in trouble making Koolaid before.”

“Not yet.”

“Well let me know when the Koolaid police come around. Now get off my hood I have places to be.” You huffed, before flinging youself into the car. Thaddeus frowned and looked at you with a surprised and offended look threw the window. You turned on your car and revered up the engine. Not afraid to sling the man off. He would be fine, you’ve done it a few times. 

“Fine.” He huffed before sliding off, you couldn’t help but roll your eyes at his outfit. A billowy white blouse with black trousers. Absolutely overkill for a community college parking lot. Even without the red cape. 

His lips are on your neck, the feeling of totally euphoria rides threw your body. Hands are clawing at his back, no matter how hard you dig into him, he never has a scratch on him. Another red flag. You feel his lips attack your neck, too soft. Too soft for your liking. You like to see the aftermath of a love session. The mistake rolls off your tongue in such smooth honey that Thaddeus doesn’t disobey the pleas. 

Your grip on the wheel loosen as Thaddeus walks out of the parking lot and into the woods, totally not strange.

 With sigh you pulled out of the parking lot not paying mind to your appearance as it slowly shifted, you tugged down the turtle neck, letting the wounded neck breath. The bite mark was now scarred but it still looked bruised and totally noticeable, not even your novice make up skills could cover it up. 

Oh, the woes of a newborn vamprie.

[always-sunny-in-alaska]

Hey do you watch stuff. Anyway I think you’d like Sofia the first. Yes I know it’s kids media yes I know the ‘fandom’ is really bad. But it’s got top tier wizards. Gayass sorcerer main character, wet sock of a man. Truly. In love with the king probably idk. Idk I think you’d like it when I see wizards on it I think to myself “this is something wizardposts would reblog” . I’m serious

i sell drugs for a living.

[always-sunny-in-alaska]

[always-sunny-in-alaska]

I think it's fucked up that for the 2020s we didn't even get the roaring part like in the past we just went straight to the depression

[always-sunny-in-alaska]

[always-sunny-in-alaska]

[always-sunny-in-alaska]

bruce wayne maintains a presence on all conspiracy theory boards with the screen name BruceWayneIsTheBatman and all his posts have titles like “BRUCE WAINE IS BAT-MAN INDISPUTABLE PROOF” and it’s just a picture of Bruce Wayne from the back next to a picture of Batman from behind and they both have the contours of their butt drawn on in a shitty MSPaint red line (note: Bruce is in a suit and Batman has a cape, neither of their butts are clearly discernible) and the quote “THE BUTTS MATCH!!! THE FACTS DON’T LIE!!!!!” and he makes at least three of these posts a day, and “Bruce Wayne is the Batman” becomes a meme a la “Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer” and he gets asked about it on a talk show and he laughs uproariously at the idea and Stephen Colbert just HAPPENS to have a batman mask under the desk and they do a bit together where Bruce Wayne puts on the mask and walks around saying things like “excuse me, bank robbers, can I perhaps offer you some money to stop you robbing this bank?” and “I say, cease and desist your criminal behavior or I’ll have my butler ask you to leave” and the audience is LOSING THEIR MINDS laughing at the idea of this pampered rich guy taking on the Joker on a bi-weekly basis and then anyone who suggests “Bruce Wayne is Batman” in earnest gets met with mocking “oh man do the butts match” comments

[always-sunny-in-alaska]

I love wildlife rehab more than anything because sometimes you end up with an animal that’s like….do people rehab these?

One time I ended up with a bullfrog and I was like is this…..Are frogs…..rehab…able?

The answer is yes and all I did was literally put neosporin TM on him for three weeks

[always-sunny-in-alaska]

[always-sunny-in-alaska]

RNC attendees tried to hide a demonstrator’s “No racism, No hate” sign with an American flag. Clearly they failed to see the irony. The protester was from the Code Pink group — who haven’t been slowed down by this at all.

[always-sunny-in-alaska]

a man of Lebanese/Turkish descent on twitter posted a AI-made reconstruction of the face of Jesus and said he looks like family and he’s so right…

here’s the original tweet btw

[always-sunny-in-alaska]

you send me a picture of animals doing something cute: look its us!

me: aww *adds your name to list titled Furry Suspects*

[always-sunny-in-alaska]

Rome fell because every single emperor was a bottom

[always-sunny-in-alaska]

I just want the under gamekeeper to crawl into my window and tell me he knows and make sweet love to me.

[always-sunny-in-alaska]

someone please...... help......i morphed the women from twilight and it just made.....more beautiful women??? it’s too much

[always-sunny-in-alaska]

LISTEN / Let’s get into it … Let’s get into it, let’s talk about the Black musicians that inspired Andrew Hozier-Byrne, and let’s not ever pretend again that he got his flair for jazz and blues from white women, thank you so very much! Y’all have a good time listenin’ to the roots, okay!

[always-sunny-in-alaska]

Gotham City Sirens (2009) / Harleen (2019) / Harley Quinn: The Animated Series (2019-)