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Theodore Roethke, from "The Dream", The Collected Poems of Theodore Roethke [ID'd]

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“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”

— Paulo Coelho

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God.

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by Jin Xingye

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“Things I know about healing: Speaking kindly to yourself helps a lot.”

— Rebecca Ray

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“Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

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...Loading Dock

Sometimes I'm really not ok. Sometimes depression wants to eat me alive. Like it wants to play target practice with my soul. I know grief triggers my trauma brain. I know I can't listen to everything it tells me. I shouldn't listen to everything it tells me.

I'm trying to have a safe circle around me. Trying not to lose myself and everything I worked so hard for.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel, like I'm close to something real... Somewhere I belong plays in my headphones. Chester knew what was up when he wrote that.

People ask me how are you? Fine. Ok. Good. Quickly nod my head and ask them the same question.

Is it a lie if at the moment you made it out of bed? Showed your face at work? Smiled?

Some people I can't even fully open up to just because they just don't get it. They just don't have the tools or understanding to be empathetic. It's never the "right" time to talk about it.

Meanwhile I'm drowning.

Slowly and rapidly at the same time.

Am I a ticking time bomb? Overexaggerating? Can't cope to save my life?

Is it my fault? I can do better? I need to do better.

The water is rising.

Swimming is muscle memory right?

Sometimes I don't want anyone to read this. Sometimes I want to tell someone I can't do this.

Sometimes I'm really not ok.

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Sometimes? Lol

Mary Oliver, from Long Life: Essays And Other Writings originally published in 2004

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Perfect Weakness

I went to a small group at church about depression tonight. It was refreshing to be around other people who love Jesus and struggle with mental health and what this side of heaven feels like. I think we were all grieving different things, yet still found the same understanding in the midst of suffering.

People say Christians are holier-than-thou fools or weirdos who love some invisible masochistic sky-daddy.

Jesus died for the broken. Lost. Hurting.

People who are at the end of themselves.

Sometimes I beat myself up that I'm a Christian, but I don't do a good job of "looking" victorious, having it all together or presenting myself in such a way that shows that believing in Jesus is worth it.

But then I realize that's the only thing I can show that proves that He is worth it.

He's the only One who can take our broken pieces and stitch us back together. He's the only One to carefully cultivate a path which reminds us that not only can we walk and run with Him, but He will carry us when we can't go a step further.

And He will carry us.

Over and over again.

He will hold onto us when we stumble. Pick us up when we fall. Sit with us in the darkness when we couldn't possibly…

Yeah.

I don't have anything to offer. Nothing worth mentioning.

If I could be even a fraction like Him…

If even an ounce of His light could shine through the cracks and fissures of my existence…

If my relationship with Him could stand the test of time…

He's endgame.

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Healing from this and grieving losses conflate and trigger my PTSD symptoms.

Trauma brain is so weird.

How do you know if you were in an emotional and verbal abusive relationship ?

here’s a good article that may be helpful for you: https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#control-and-shame

but in general

if they make you feel bad/stupid/wrong/crazy

if you feel like you have to justify normal things to them

if you dread seeing them

if you stayed with them/put off ending the relationship because you believed no-one else would be able to love you because you’re such a burden

if they constantly make you feel like YOU’RE the one who did something wrong, like you’re defective, like you’re lesser, like you’re constantly fucking everything up

if they try to control your life (either secretly, by breaking into your phone/laptop/etc, or openly, by always demanding to know where you are, who you’re with, or telling you that you’re not allowed to see those people/do that thing/go that place anymore)

if they make you feel like a child, or someone incapable of making decisions for yourself

if they threaten you (to hurt you, or to hurt themselves, or to leave you) to get what they want

if they make their jealousy your problem (demanding that you spend all your time with them, telling you that they feel like you dont love them because you have friendships with people other than them)

if they ignore your concerns, or refuse to listen to you on subjects that are important to you or your wellbeing

if they act like you have nothing important to say, like your job is less important, like your time is worth less than theirs, like you’re less of a person than they are

then they are probably emotionally abusing you.

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Ask me how hard I laughed at this.

"You're so cute when you're shy"

First of all, I have anxiety

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Why did I post this and never fill it out?

1: What would you name your future daughter? Kyrie Arabella (Kyrie means the Lord/Arabella means answered prayer) 2: Do you miss anyone? Yes, everyday 3: What if I told you that you were pretty? Thank you 4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”? No 5: What are you looking forward to in the next week? My niece's birthday party and a concert at church 6: Did you go out or stay in last night? Stay 7: How late did you stay up last night? Too late 8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months? Yes 9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? Watching the kiddos at their lunch/recess 10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it? No 11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? It's better for my health so maybe 12: Have you pretended to like someone? No 13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? Don't smoke 14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? Yes 15: Is it hard for you to get over someone? It's hard for me to let go 16: Think back five months ago, were you single? No ma'am 17: Have you ever cried from being so mad? Yes 18: Hold hands with anyone this week? Yes 19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed? No 20: Who did you last see in person? My husband 21: What is the last thing you said out loud? Goodnight 22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night? Family on the cheek 23: Have you ever been to Paris? No 24: Are you good at hiding your feelings? Yes and no 25: Do you use chap stick? Yep 26: Who did you last share a bed with? My husband 27: Are you listening to music right now? No 28: What is something you currently want right now? Better sleep 29: Were your last three kisses from the same person? Yes 30: How is your heart lately? Sad but trusting God 31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? At times 32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? I dunno an hour ago 33: What do people call you? Micha, Ms. Michelle, Mija, Mami, Babe, Trouble lol 34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? Lol well yeah 35: Are there any stressful situations in your life? No it's rainbows and butterflies over here 36: What are you listening to right now? Seinfeld is playing in the background 37: What is wrong with you right now? Right now I'm in my bed doing this so alot lol 38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh? More than anything I know 39: Do you make wishes at 11:11? No, I pray 40: What is on your wrists right now? Hair tie and my watch 41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected? Married 42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing? Stole it from my husband's side of the closet 43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? No 44: Have you hugged someone within the last week? Yes 45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days? Yes 46: What were you doing at midnight last night? Planning my aunt's funeral 47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago? At times 48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Someone else 49: Have you ever been to New York? No 50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? I sure hope so

50 questions

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“Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in things we do for each other every day.”

— Nicholas Sparks

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These two are my childhood.

Explains alot actually...

(And they're Disney now)

Odette and Anya/Anastasia have always been two of my favourite none Disney Princesses, next to Kayley from Quest for Camelot, and it with being Pride month of 2023 I thought it would be fun to do a collage on them. To show my support for the LGBTQ+ community and to do a crossover collage that isn't of Disney or DreamWorks characters for a change.