ameliarosecaine

[ameliarosecaine]

Starting my own twitch soon playing cozy games & having fun & laughs. Follow me on Instagram angels @deepestbluestarrynight I want to have a bigger following before I start ❤️

[ameliarosecaine]

Heartbreak

Today was different, but had a heart-wrenching feeling alike a lot of my days. Break ups are never easy, we all go through them and they hurt the hardest when it was our first love.

He was so charming and we looked like a match made in heaven, but behind it all I would damage him just like I damage everyone accidentally obviously, and just like every cycle people always leave.

I don’t see any point in my future really, making music, art, falling in love, it’s all great ideally but in reality it hurts more to love than to love at all. I wish I wasn’t so broken, I wish I didn’t hurt others all the time and effect people in the way I was effected a long time ago. There is no hope for me, no hope for change no matter what I pay or do for repairs. All I can do is create art until I decide that I no longer wish to continue.

I’m so tired of existing for others, when I try to make efforts to love I only cause pain, when I try to fix things I break them, I have no talents other than making art. I need to lock myself away forever; so nobody will ever be hurt again.

[ameliarosecaine]

Love or lust

It’s odd and annoying that we as humans feel the need to love and be loved, to be cared about and have a purpose.

I don’t understand the people who can just have sex with someone else like that’s nothing, like a passionate moment intertwining souls. I guess human beings are simple alike many other creatures, mate, breed etc.

Obviously not all, a lot do look for further meaning. A lot will spread kindness and a lot will spread hate, but all I’m aware of - my purpose is that I’m alive to live, to experience things and not need a huge meaningful purpose to do so.

We will all die in the end and it’s beautiful to live and feel but it’s not so bad for it all to end either. I’m seen as stupid, immature, etc. And also good things too by many other people, but none of that does and will matter centuries ahead.

[ameliarosecaine]

most of all i hope you all find a reason to wake up and love each day despite it all. i hope you hear the birds singing or you buy a new candle or use a new fabric softener and it inspires you to keep going. each day holds so many possibilities. live to see the different outcomes. i believe in you and I’m proud of you for existing despite it all. you were made to experience life, so let life’s experiences be the reason you continue on.

[ameliarosecaine]

i sometimes forget that this is everyone’s first time on earth too. like. this is my first time seeing a butterfly this color. but its that little girl’s first time seeing any butterfly, ever. and i accidentally left a bag of groceries at the store after paying and now i’m cursing under my breath and it’s like. there a thousand other people out there who did that today too. and a thousand more from yesterday. and. like. we’re not actually alone. and we’re not actually failing. at least not in a way that a few billion people haven’t before you

[ameliarosecaine]

humans have existed for so so so long n we r still finding so many cool things all those before us hid away or went forgotten and i find that so beautiful. and we continue to uncover stuff those before us only dreamt of finding but without their resources and contribution and time and effort we’d have no idea to even LOOK. i love humans i love history i love everything that makes this lil world spin

[ameliarosecaine]

Living with trauma

My life has been a lot to be honest with you, I always remember that little girl who just wanted to paint and make art and have friends, I know ive always been a little weird, but I’ve always wanted to make people laugh and have good times until the end.

I love so much but it shows so little, and the trauma doesn’t help, it’s like being closed off from the world and unique so much that people can hardly understand you, like a different language that’s never been discovered. I know I write alot of meaningless stuff, but I like to update stories in my life.

The trauma will never be easy, but it’ll be easier enough to cope with for the rest of my life, I know people love me, and someday I won’t have to live in so much fear. I’ve been introduced to people who are very different to what I’m used to, they’ve introduced the feelings of safety to me, understanding, love, problem solving. I’m learning so many new things and falling in love with everything again. The trauma will always be there alike all the bad things, but so will the good things.

Everything is good, because we are alive to feel it.

[ameliarosecaine]

4th September 2023

Sick and alone

I know that I’m not alone but I most definitely am in my head, not that that’s a bad thing. Being unwell doesn’t feel great, my head hurts and everything aches and I feel bored and off my daily routine.

I’ve played video games atleast, listened to music, nap, watch YouTube videos, eat cereal repeat. I’m sick of constant repeating patterns, I always want every week to be completely different, I want adventure and risks.

This depression will end eventually, but so does happiness, everything ends but that’s not necessarily a bad thing, nothing is permanent and everything is temporary so do atleast one weird thing each day, you’ll regret either options anyway.

[ameliarosecaine]

Complex Ptsd things

I’m so tired of feeling insecure, I hate so many parts of myself from being dehumanised and picked apart so many times, I want to sleep and forget but I can’t. exhausted of loneliness, realising nobody will really understand me, that I am infact incredibly weird, very hard on myself, damaged and scared. Living is hard and all of this healing and work is such a pain

[ameliarosecaine]

Journal entry

1st September 2023

Camping trip plan

Title kind of says it all, me and Daniel are planning on camping in the wilderness woo, like Wales or the Lake District or something in the woods. Ill look that up for the next couple of days but I also have a bunch of other stuff I want to do.

Update my cv and cover letters and portfolio is probably the next steps, I need to stop procrastinating but I love drawing, I love going on pointless walks to get coffee and shopping and I love goofing around with my boyfriend & my cats. I kind of like this part of living though, my brain constantly full of thoughts and colours making life 10x more interesting, it can be kind of overwhelming at times though.

So I’m going to continue to make cute plans and lists, organising my mind makes me happy as does cleaning, although I probably obsessively clean at times. If anyone is reading this entry, apologies if you don’t understand me well, I’m abit odd but stay and read more if you like a lot of random, crazy stories, a mixed bag of feelings and thoughts I have everyday lol. Now I’m going to get back to playing video games and drinking coffee Lots of love -mimi

[ameliarosecaine]

ideas

-beach party

-adventure trails

-road trips

-horror/zombie/haunted house experience

-arcades

-fun fair

-travelling

-art day

-sports days

-painting ceramics

-game nights

-themed parties

-makeovers

-board game cafe

-water sports

-camping

-hiking

-photoshoots

-exhibitions/museums/galleries

-botanical gardens

-forests/wilderness walks/exploration