amypocalypse-blog

[amypocalypse-blog]

6.21.17

I ended up emailing him.

I don’t know what my intention was with it, part of me has this glimpse of hope that we’ll get together again someday. It’s unlikely, but the part of me that loves him wants it to happen.

I just wish he’d leave my brain already. It’s not fair. I’m tired of wanting and waiting for something that’s never going to happen.

I wish it would stop. I don’t want this agony anymore.

Please god, make it stop.

[amypocalypse-blog]

6.17.17

Everything hurts and I feel like dying.

Today has been really difficult. I keep missing him. I keep wanting to message him. But I’ve stopped myself. I keep telling myself that it would just create problems or start some kind of fight. What could I possibly get out of it? A heart-felt apology and then we’d pick up where we left off? Only in a perfect world...

I feel like I’ve made so much progress moving on, then suddenly I’m missing him and thinking about him a lot. Before I’d be able to distract myself and think of something else but as of late, finding a distraction strong enough has become scarce.

I’m remembering bad memories and all the horrible things he’s said to me as a distraction, which usually helps. If I were to go back to him, I’d be welcoming those bad behaviors in even if I told him he would need to change them and get serious help. He probably doesn't think there’s anything wrong with him and doesn't think he needs help. When I was living in Seattle briefly, I told him he’d need to start going to therapy to sort out his anger issues and work through his past that damaged him. And of course he picked a fucking therapist out of network, who charged $75 per session. Maybe he did that on purpose so he’d have an excuse to not go weekly. It wasn't fair to me. If he truly loved and cared about me, he would've made a better effort to seek consistent help.

So I just remind myself now of all of these bad things... He's no good for me. I’ll always love the good parts about him, because he is a lovely and genuine person. But that wasn't enough... He didn't want to get help. Plain and simple. I was going to therapy weekly, taking medication, doing things to HELP myself. What the fuck was he doing? It was not fair.

Then I start to get angry myself, at him for not trying harder. For letting his own anger consume him and hurt me.

I came across this apologetic letter he wrote to me. It was from late 2015. It was just another empty apology, promising he’d change, and he’d “vow to stop all of the name-calling, like now.” Guess he didn't mean that, either. When I read it at the time, I though it was so sincere. When I read it now, I just feel like a fool for swallowing this fake apology.

It’s been nearly 6 months since I left him. And it’s just been hard lately. Even through the awful, awful memories, I still miss him and my heart wishes a miracle would happen and he’d become a changed man who learned coping skills and healthy ways to manage his anger... But how likely IS that? And if so, would he actually stick with it? I have so many questions, but they can't be answered. I’ve already been fooled so many fucking times. If I were to reach out to him now, I would be the worlds biggest jackass.

I feel empty. I really do. But I can't fill myself up with him anymore. Because he’ll still just leak out of me because he can't make me whole. I’ve tried so many times for so long... I loved him. I love you. I know you’ll never read this or care ever again, but I miss you and I love you. I wish you’d get help. I wish you’d go to therapy every week and learn ways to manage your anger and use coping methods when you feel it starting to build. I wish you kept your promises. I wish you meant your apologies. But you won’t. And I can’t be your fool anymore... It’s so confusing and it hurts. I love you. But what would be different if we were to reconcile? I wish I could hold you again, I wish I could kiss you. But I have to let go of you. But it feels like I can’t, and it feels like I don’t want to because I still want you. And I don’t know how to stop loving you and wanting you. I don’t know how to completely let go of you. I feel you in my dreams still and you’re there but when I wake up you’re not there.

I wish you’d follow through with what you say. I wish I could be with you again. I listened to your voicemail from the end of January. My heart hurts so bad. I wish I could scream to the sky. I wish wishing on stars really came true. Because if they did, I would wish for you to be free from the pain you’ve been handed from your past. I’d wish for us to be together again.

[amypocalypse-blog]

6.12.17

There’s a lot I want to write; there’s so much on my mind. And yet I can't find or form the words to make sense of any of it. It’s all so confusing.

It’s a challenge to get out of bed most days. Like why bother? What’s the point of even continuing the day-to-day? I’m stuck in a place of indifference and misery. And of course I hide this from the people in my life. I may tell some people just the surface of what I’m feeling, but never the truth. I don’t want to be a burden, so I’ll just keep the heavy stuff to myself.

But inside I’m crying and I’m fighting this eternal battle. Will I ever win? Some days I do... And other days I don’t.

I feel claustrophobic in my own life. I want to break free. I want to find something more to this... There has to be more, right? There just has to be. But I have no energy to try and seek it out. It’s just a huge contradiction.

There’s so much I want to say. But not enough words to describe how I’m feeling. I feel lost, disconnected, alone... Always alone. I don’t know what I’m looking for anymore. I feel like I’m waiting for something, anything. But nothing ever shows up.

I’m crying out for help, but my voice and tears fall on deafened ears.

[amypocalypse-blog]

6.10.17

These days have been going back quickly as of late. I can’t believe it’s already mid-June. Where does the time go? I guess I sleep a lot of the day away too.

You see, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as Major Depressive Disorder. They intertwine with each other and some days I’m alright, other days... not so much. I take medications too, which do help most of the time. Especially Lamictal, that helps with stabilizing my mood swings. Wellbutrin helps with the depression most of the time. It helps give me some energy and motivation to do things. But sometimes it doesn't help. And lately, it’s felt as if nothing is helping me.

On the outside, you'd probably think my life is going alright. And to some extent, it is. But mentally, I’ve always been all over the place, thanks to BPD. However, I don’t have those intense mood swings anymore because the medication. I’ve always learned ways to cope with intense emotions, so all in all, I’ve been managing. But still, my head is usually always foggy. I can’t explain it. All I know is that when I sleep, I don’t have to face those melancholy feelings or be entangled in the fog.

And some days, I’m okay (like I said). Sometimes identifying the source of my pain helps. Because then I can face it, and call it out. That will work at times, other times it just makes me more sad and I have to find a way to deal with it. Sometimes I don’t deal with it. Sometimes it festers. Sometimes I cry and cry and cry. I usually internalize it. I don’t want to be a burden to those around me, and even though they say I’ll never be a burden to them, I still withhold information. What’s the point of talking about it when it won't change much? And maybe that’s me being ignorant. Because honestly, talking about it does help to some extent. But I also feel like in my situation, no amount of talking will help.

I do get lonely. And often through the day my thoughts fluctuate between meeting someone new, to “NO FUCK THAT, I DON’T WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN!” I confuse myself. I’m afraid to put myself out there. What if it happens again? I don’t want to fall into that dark place ever again... It would seem relationships trigger the BPD more. Perhaps now that I’ve identified it, it will be easier to maintain and seek out what kind of person I want and look out for early red flags. I say that, but can I really do it? I know I have to be careful. I tend to get so swept away with my emotions... It’s hard to trust myself when all I’ve been taught growing up is to not be so emotional or whatever. I feel guilty now when I discuss my emotions. It sounds so stupid, and I just automatically assume everyone thinks it’s stupid and that they don’t care. Maybe it is, I don’t know. I have trust issues.

I miss having someone to confide in. I miss hugs and kisses. I miss real love. But is it really wise of me to seek that again? I’m so afraid of it all blowing up in my face again.

[amypocalypse-blog]

6.8.17

Hey, Amy. Welcome back to the world of Tumblr.

Yep, just said hi to myself. Whatever. I’ve been avoiding Tumblr and other social media platforms for the last few months. I just needed to... get away. To a degree, I feel like I still want to. But slowly, I’m caving and coming back to it. I guess I made this new blog because I needed an outlet. Yeah, I have a physical paper journal, but there’s just something about putting your thoughts and feelings into the world for others to read. Is it a good idea? Maybe not. Or maybe it is. I don't really know. My life is just a huge series of “I don’t knows.” And maybe someone, anyone, can relate to me and empathize, or sympathize, at least.

I turned 27 five days ago. Kind of surreal, aging is scary. People will say “ohhh you’re not old!” But in my mind, time is slipping away. I barely want to talk about it. I have dreams. Passions I’d like to tend to. But there’s fear that needs to be overcome, and for the past twenty-something years, I’m still just as debilitated by it like it was day 1. Will I ever overcome fear? I hope so. I hope I can find it in myself to push past the pain. Somedays it just simply feels impossible. A lot of days, as of recent. Or maybe longer. Again, I don’t know.

I wish I had the answers, I feel like I can barely rely on myself. It’s something I’ve been afraid of, and I’ve been forced to be with myself for the past 6 months. You see, I left my relationship at the beginning of the year. That was rough. Living through it, then finding the courage and strength inside me to finally say goodbye for the last time. I’m tired of telling the story, though. All I know is, I loved the shit out of that guy. He was my whole world, but it slowly crumbled, burned, and turned to ash.

I feel like I have been dealing with it decently. But at the same time, there’s so much I would like to say. Though I don’t always have the right words to describe what I’m feeling or thinking. Like the Cher song, “If I could turn back time, if I could find a way...” God knows I would in an instant. If there was some way to pinpoint the point in our lives that would eventually end the relationship we were in. If I could steal his pain away, and save him from the abusive household he lived in, I would. I would hold that little boy and tell him everything would be okay, and that he would overcome so much and come out stronger for it. If I could find a way to tell him to express himself freely, to find ways to expend his anger in a healthy way, to fuel him for the better, I would. But he grew up the way he did, and he did what he had to do to survive it. I don’t think he knew that it would follow him into our relationship and lead to our demise. 

Just like I couldn’t control my own upbringing, I brought pain to the table. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish it could’ve worked out. I tried to stick it out and work to change the dynamic. I held up my end for the most part, but he kept falling into everything he said he’d change and stop.

And now I’m angry. Angry at him for letting me down again and again. He caused me a lot of pain that I will be working to reverse for a long time. I could only allow it for so long... I kept forgiving him, but he ran me down. I would look into his eyes and search for a shred of compassion and truth. Some days I did see it, some days I didn't.

All I know now is that I loved him as much as I could. But love still wasn't enough, and as sad as it is, this had to have happened for a reason. Maybe life is setting me up for something else.

I know I’ll never feel that connection with him anymore, and it’s something I’ve accepted. It still pains me because I wish I could touch his hand again and go on each day with him.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still yearn for his presence and love. I have no idea how he feels, or even gives a shit. I guess it doesn’t really matter now though, does it? It’s as if we’ve never met. He’s there, and I’m back here. It kills me sometimes.

It feels like someone is shoving a singeing spear through my chest at times. I’m trying to pull it out as I type this. It would be detrimental to pine after something that is long gone, and I won’t sit here and do that. He’s already made it completely obvious that he didn't want me enough to make a change in his own behavior. If he did, I wouldn't be writing this fucking post.

So I’ve accepted it long ago, and I left. Because sometimes you just need to say goodbye. And goodbyes are never easy.

I hope the next “hello” I hear is the only one I’ll need to hear, and that “goodbye” won't exist ever again.