amzarashi

[amzarashi]

One of the great things about fandom is that sooner or later you will think to yourself: I would never write/read x kind of story, I would never ship x kind of pairing, I would never do whatever fandom thing, and then, if you stick around long enough, you will 100% become a clown of your own making. It’s inevitable and I love it.

[amzarashi]

Quick what are you doing RIGHT now (besides scrolling Tumblr)

[amzarashi]

i crush pomegranate seeds under my palm.

the juice oozes down in a familiar motion; the red rivulets do not hurt the way i want them to. my head feels heavy, and i lie down on the white sheets i bought from the mall last week. the juice stains the pure canvas and it makes me want to cry.

i want to cry regardless.

when things get like this, there's no turning back for me. loneliness eats away at me like i'm the main dish at sunday dinner. i chase the high of a fresh cut and pray to god it keeps me afloat; all the doors close, and i'm stranded on the side of the road, hoping for someone to come along and make me feel something other than what i'm feeling right now. i wish my brain worked differently. i wish i didn't have so many scars. i wish for many things.

none of them come true. 

.

you kiss me till i drip red like the pomegranates.

it beads upon my lips and i swallow it. if this was a story, i'd have doomed myself to persephone's fate and much more. i like your smile. it makes me want to confess all my insecurities and pray for deliverance.

are all lovers god-like? i ask my friend, and she says no. then why do i fall on my knees every time you're there? why do i rip myself apart and offer up my heart on a silver platter on the altar i made for you? 

i think i'm in love, i tell my friends and their faces twist in worry. it's not good for you, they say. i nod in agreement. how can one love when all one knows is to be used and abused? the fear that the gods in my heart are demons in disguise keeps me up at night, but i still pray to you.

i guess i've set myself up for heartbreak, but it's alright. at least i look pretty while taking it.

[amzarashi]

genuinely one of the worst things that’s happened to television in the last few years (exacerbated by streaming services) is death of Filler. going from 20 episodes to 8 because “we didn’t really need that episode where the main characters went to the beach right? it had no long lasting effect” but we DID!!! we needed to see how they act without the Big Bad Plot and to establish the dynamics between the characters and lay in the sun (do they forget sunscreen? how do they react to a thieving seagull? do they get buried in the sand or do they do the burying?). the plot isn’t everything. the action doesn’t hit as hard without the quiet moments. give us character development and our little scenes back

[amzarashi]

i love you ambiguous endings i love you pyrrhic victories i love you tragedy masquerading as a happy ending i love you characters who are living and dead at the same time i love you cognitive dissonance i love you existential death

[amzarashi]

how did you know???

[amzarashi]

I think the absolute horror of the scene where sam goes "i will kill myself before letting you in" to lucifer and lucifer rolls his eyes and goes "and I'll just bring you back" is soooo underrated. jared plays it so well too, the shock and the hopelessness in his eyes. lucifer feeling so possessive (ha) over sam, and sam realizing that no, he's not going to escape this unscathed, if he escapes at all. it's so tasty

[amzarashi]

there’s this thing where you can’t say certain words or phrases or breathe a certain way or touch something for too long or nudge the book that’s been collecting dust on your bedside for two years because anything and everything could turn the world against you

i can’t sleep at night because my breathing doesn’t feel right and the prayer i said five times in row doesn’t feel right so i have to get up open the door turn the lights on retrace my steps until my feet start aching from how bad i need it all to make sense to fall into place to not hurt the people i care about because guilt makes your heart sink like stone and i still haven’t learned how to swim

fox reads me poetry until fox is all i think about until the world isn’t so scary and the static in my brain is quiet i tell fox good night i say i love you but it’s rarely there so i say it again over and over because repetition speaks things into existence until it piles up on top of each other until i can gather it all in my hand and squish it together like putty and use it to close up everywhere the hurt is leaking through

exposure therapy sucks. it’s not that i can’t touch door knobs or cross the threshold or have to wash my hands so many times or that i have to click the lock and turn the bathroom lights on and the bedroom lights off and the doorway lights on and the people around me have to say good night with an inflection that tells me i won’t die tomorrow because i don’t know what my brain wants more often than not

words have so much weight and i haven’t told anyone i love them and meant it because i’m scared if i do i will doom them to my fate of picking at nails and skin so i use loopholes like my life depends on them. i say it with breaks in between. the pauses are periods so it’s a string of words not a curse set into motion it’d be nice to breathe without having to think about what i can or cannot say

instead i send poetry, i say read the orange by wendy cope listen to 400 lux by lorde it’s not a love language because language was made to share love babel was a death sentence there are many words i want to say but can’t say but roland barthes says, i’ve got nothing to say to you but it’s to you i want to say this nothing

[amzarashi]

watching the new mina le video on age gaps and i had to pause and take a break because my last relationship (where i was 24 & he was 46) fucked me up so much i haven't dated since 2022 ended...

[amzarashi]

This is cheaper than journaling when you think about it

[amzarashi]

You are trapped in an elevator with the person on your lockscreen. Who is it?

Reblog with who you get stuck with~

[amzarashi]

Okay so Victorian erotica is literally the most heinous, morally bankrupt, horrific shit I've ever read - but I've read a fair bit, partly from historical interest but also because a while back I helped a friend with a university project she was doing about censorship and pornography in 19th century England.

Anyway I need to share with you all the most hilarious line that has ever been written, circa 1887:

[amzarashi]

[amzarashi]

(250510) kai + chanyeol instagram live

[amzarashi]

spin this wheel

you're now this mythical creature, congrats!

[amzarashi]

oh yeah have i ever told yall of the academic war i have been an unwilling soilder in for the past two years

[amzarashi]

can u guys rb this n add how you crack your eggs in the tags? i thought cracking them in the sinks’s edge is universal until i saw my friend cracking an egg on the counter instead and it was so pervese and diabolical