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[andifittakesmeyears]

I wish for a family (Chapter 7)

(Part 8 of 31 | Part 1 here)

*

Diego is back when dinner starts. And - what really surprises Ben - he is not alone. Klaus also comes into the room just as Ben is sitting down. Ben has no idea when he came back, or how, or even why. He didn't expect to ever see Klaus here again. And he certainly didn't expect to see Klaus so beat up.

"What happened?" he asks. What did he take? Where has he been all this time? Why does he look like he died? Is he all right? Maybe he needs a hospital, or-

"Look who's back," Diego murmurs, then immediately falls silent when Dad gives him a scowl.

Which then immediately moves on to Klaus. "Number four," Dad greets him. "Where have you been?"

Klaus snorts, shrugging his shoulders. "It‘s called having fun, you wouldn‘t know it."

Dad keeps a straight face. "You've been neglecting your duties." He sounds even less pleased than he looks.

Klaus grins. "Well, I'm back now." He sits down, and the smile remains, but he doesn't sound happy, nor does he seem so be happy. And when Mom sets a plate in front of him, telling him to enjoy the meal, he just pushes it aside. "Not hungry."

Klaus has been gone far too long, if you ask Ben. Too long to say nothing about it. But no one seems to want to ask him. No one seems interested enough to inquire about his health, and no one welcomes him. Klaus doesn't seem like he's waiting for it, either.

"If you can't behave," Dad says, "then I see no reason for you to sit at the table."

Which, strictly speaking, doesn't seem like a punishment, but Dad has never made anyone get up early, or not voluntarily, so obviously it's meant that way, and it probably won't be the last thing he has to say about the subject either.

Klaus stands up without a word, turns around, and disappears from the room. If you ask Ben, it's sign enough for Klaus' condition, that he doesn't even give a retort. No matter what kind. In any case, it justifies the look Vanya gives him, which Ben can only describe as worried.

For a moment he stays, just to see what the others have to say, but everyone at the table is silent, and so he eventually goes after Klaus again.

Who is sitting on the bed in his room, hanging his head.

"What happened?" he wants to know.

Klaus immediately raises his head, and grins at him. "Hey," he sais far too cheerfully, "don't tell me you've never heard of this thing called knocking?" He laughs. "You really should learn about that, what if I had been naked?"

Somehow Ben preferred it when Klaus had nothing to say back. At least at the table he wasn't pretending to be fine. Which he obviously isn't.

"Klaus, what's wrong?" he persists in his question. Klaus looks like he hasn't slept in days. Or showered. He has way too big bags under his eyes, his hair sticks out messily in all directions and looks like someone has run a hand through it way too many times - Ben tries not to think about who that might have been, or whether Klaus might have been sober - and his clothes don't even look like they are his. They're not colorful, not flashy, and not anything special. Just some jeans and a t-shirt. Klaus last wore something like that voluntarily about probably six years ago.

"Where have you been?"

Klaus laughs. "Did you miss me?"

No. Yes. Maybe. That's not the point. "Klaus!"

"What?" He's still grinning. Then he rolls his eyes. "There's just some annoying ghost that won't leave me alone when he should really be seeking his eternal rest, that's all."

Wa- "That's not funny!" If he still had blood, Klaus would definitely make it boil. Why can't he just accept that someone cares about him? It's really not that hard to comprehend!

But Klaus just laughs, loudly and far too profusely, and lets himself fall backwards onto the bed. He doesn't seem to want to stop. Ben would really like to push him out of bed. Or throw something at him. Honestly. Like, really. But he can't, and somehow it all just makes him that much angrier.

"Can't you take anything seriously for once?!" Because that's how it always is with Klaus. He never takes things seriously. He just ruins everything, and that's all. And it's terrible. It‘s moments like this that he hates Klaus. Really. Especially because he's still laughing, even if it's not that hard anymore, and Ben is really fed up now. Let Klaus do whatever the hell he wants. Let him see how far he gets when no one else is here! If he wants to push away everyone who wants to help him, then let him see what he gets out of it!

Klaus' laughter still echoes in his ears when he finally leaves the house and walks away from the property for the first time without accompanying anyone or looking for Klaus. Maybe he should just do something else entirely. At least until he calms down, and then he can maybe try coming back again. Maybe.

[andifittakesmeyears]

I wish for a family (Chapter 6)

(Part 7 of 31 | Part 1 here)

*

He still can't find Klaus, but he doesn't search for long. He tries for  three days, at various parties and the corner where he has found Klaus the first time, but it‘s of no use. No Klaus. Nowhere. So he eventually returns home. Not in the hope to find Klaus there, that won't happen anyway, he‘s sure, but simply to get more variety.

And since he's already seen Vanya, Diego hardly changes his daily routine, dad doesn't interest him, and he's relatively sure he already knows what mom is up to, he ends up looking in on Allison. Which means he kind of looks in on Luther, too, as he quickly realizes, because the two of them rarely part.

Compared to the others, it's almost welcome how little alone they are. Even with this really strange attraction between them. Of course Klaus isn't alone either, he's surrounded by people and all the time, but he's lonely, and in contrast Allison and Luther seem almost happy. Even when they're studying or practicing. And especially when they're just hiding together up in the attic in this little tent they've secretly set up here. Ben likes seeing at least part of his siblings  like this.

"I heard a rumor," Allison says once, while they are up in the attic again, pointing toward the ceiling, "that a thousand little lights light up this room."

The room is emediately so bright, that even Ben has to squint his eyes. It's just way too much.

"I heard a rumor that a thousand little lights in this room are going out again!" exclaims Allison, and he almost feels like she's tripping over her own words. He opens his eyes again as she starts to laugh, and sure enough, the lights are gone and it's dark again.

Luther sighs. "At least you're getting better at undoing things."

"Sorry." Allison stops laughing. "But I am getting better. And now I know better, too. So let me try again." She closes her eyes for a moment, takes a deep breath, and then opens them again. "I heard a rumor that fifty little lights on the ceiling light up this room," she then says.

This time, the light isn't quite so strong. It's actually quite sweet.

"Not bad," Luther comments.

"See?" Allison grins at him. "Told you. Okay, one more: I heard a rumor that the fifty little lights in this room are fireflies."

The lights instantly begin to move, flying around.

Luther nods. "Now all you have to do is let them out safely."

"Well then: I heard a rumor that one of the windows in this room is open, and the fireflies can fly out."

One of the windows does indeed open, but that's about it.

Luther pats Allison on the shoulder. "Next time," he says.

She sighs. "I heard a rumor that the fireflies in this room all fly out through the window." And moments later, one light after another really does leave. Allison sighs. "I have to admit, this is taking more out of me than I would have thought."

"But you're getting better at it, too," Luther says.

Allison sits up, raising her shoulders. "I'm trying," she explains, "and as long as I don't overdo it, things are going pretty well." She turns her head to Luther, grins at him, then slumps back down on the couple of blankets. "Thanks for always being there for all of this."

"You're always there when I train, too," he replies.

She rolls her eyes, and laughs again. "But nothing can really happen when you do that. If I say something wrong-"

"Wouldn't matter where I am."

"Not really how it works." She laughs again. "Thanks anyway." She reaches for his hand.

"You're always welcome." He returns the handshake.

Ben rolls his eyes, and prefers to go back to looking for Diego. It's nice to see siblings getting along around here, but somehow he still feels uncomfortable with the two of them being so close. He just hopes that it remains entirely platonic, but somehow he's really not sure about that.

Simply because he passes Vanya's room on the way down, he takes a quick look inside. She's practicing the violin again, standing rigidly as always in her usual spot, barely moving. She doesn't even really look happy with this instrument. Maybe just another compulsion one of them has because of Dad. He sighs, and turns away again. Just looks briefly for Klaus out of habit, but of course he's not there, just as expected, and so he just keeps ghosting down the stairs. But when he gets to the basement, he can't see Diego anywhere either. That's odd. He hasn't really paid attention to Diego the last few days, except just now at dinner, but he didn't expect him to make any big changes to his routine. Maybe he's with mom?

But when he looks in the kitchen, there is no trace of him there either. He even finds Pogo in the living room, and Dad as usual in his study, but Diego is just as absent as Klaus is.

Has he also decided to leave all this behind? Did he, like Klaus, think he didn't need any of this, and that he could do better? But that isn‘t like him. Diego was so angry with Klaus, he would hardly just do the same, right? So maybe it was just an unplanned trip after all? Maybe he just needed a single day off, or maybe even just an afternoon, and that's it? Yes, that‘s more like it. Surely, Diego will be back by dinner at the latest. For sure. Right?

[andifittakesmeyears]

Know you as no one else does

Title: Know you as no one else does

Summary: Kaz Brekker does not give presents. He does not say thank you, he doesn‘t apologize, and he also definitely is not in love with his Wraith. Absolutely not. He might however be the most stupid person he has ever met, when it comes to his (of course non-existent) feelings.

AN: Slightly AU (as in: same universe but with minor diviations from canon) and there might be some mistakes since English is not my mother tongue.

*

Kaz sighs and pulls his fingers away from the weapon lying on his desk. It‘s a small dagger. A little too small for him. Doesn‘t sit right in his hand. But it isn‘t for him anyway. And for Inej it will be perfect. Light, sharp, perfectly shaped for her skillful fingers and hands. She might even find it pretty. The delicate silver blade glistening in the little light of his room. The handle black like the feathers of a crow. It‘s not a gift, of course. He doesn‘t make gifts. It‘s just a practical thing. Because Inej needs something to protect herself with.

He ignores  the voice inside his head that tells him she already has enough of those.

He knows that.

It doesn‘t matter.

And it also doesn‘t change that it is a practical thing. Even if there‘s a flower engraved in it … that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he has seen her stop multiple times, when she saw wild geraniums, so she could look at them for a few seconds. Even if just on pictures. Him having the dagger here has nothing to do with the fact, that he actually had it made specifically for her. Because he did not do that. It would have been stupid to do that. It‘s just a practical thing, nothing more.

Somebody knocks on his door, and he slips the dagger behind a book. Where he can still see it but nobody else can. He‘s ridiculous. It‘s nothing special, who cares if anyone sees it? But it stays there.

“Come in,” he says.

It‘s Inej. Of course it‘s Inej. He‘s send her out this morning to find out if his plan for tonight might be compromised or not, and she still has to report back.

“And?” he asks.

She shakes her head. “Still only two guards, nobody seemed too careful.”

“Good.” He nods. Waits. For her to leave. She doesn‘t. “What is it?”

She shakes her head then and turns around. Goes back to the door. Stops again and turns to him once more. “Is it really so hard for you to apologize?” she wants to know.

Angry. She‘s still angry. And he still doesn‘t know which of all the things he‘s done to her she‘s talking about. Maybe all of them. Probably. It would make sense.

“Even if it‘s not true, can‘t you try at least? Just once?”

Is that what she thinks? That he doesn‘t feel regret? No remorse? He doesn‘t, of course, he‘s Kaz Brekker, the demon of Ketterdam, he can‘t feel any of these things, but does she actually believe that? She knows how important she is to him, right? She must know. Doesn‘t she?

Maybe she doesn‘t. Maybe he should tell her.

I‘m sorry, he wants to say. It‘s right there, right on top of his tongue, ready to be heard out loud. And if he stretches his hand, he could get the dagger and show it to her. As the gift it isn‘t meant to be, because he doesn‘t give gifts, and as the apology he‘s too stubborn to offer. It would be so easy. She would understand. She‘s Inej, of course she would understand. Doesn‘t she always understand?

“You know me”, he says instead. Smiles even if just a little. “Don‘t expect wonders.”

And the dagger stays where it is, while Inej turns around again and rushes out, finally leaving him alone in his misery. He‘s still staring at the dagger.

Coward.

But he already trust her with his life, trusts her with his fears and shame, he‘s already so weak in front of her … how is he supposed to trust her with his heart now, too? How could he make himself even weaker? So he stays silent. And in the end he grabs the knife and puts it one of his drawers. Closes it maybe a little too loud. He should have just given it to her. He doesn‘t want it. It reminds him too much of her, so delicate and strong at the same time, perfect and pretty and still so dangerous. He never wants to see it again.

He opens the drawer and pulls it out once more. It‘s not a gift. It‘s not an apology. He‘s still himself and he does not give those. It‘s just a practical thing. Actually, it‘s not even that. It‘s nothing. He‘ll just get rid of it.

Can‘t you try at least? Just once?

She‘s compromising him. He‘s making so many mistakes. This has to stop.

He takes the dagger, takes his cane, and stands up to follow after her.

He‘s such an idiot.

“Inej!”

[andifittakesmeyears]

I wish for a family (Chapter 5)

(Part 6 of 31 | Part 1 here)

*

He spends the next few days looking for Klaus in bars and clubs where he has seen him before, or at least in the same area, but nothing. Klaus stays gone. Which should probably make him feel good, because it means Klaus isn't screwing up his life at random parties for once, but he's pretty sure it actually just means Klaus is screwing up his life at parties where Ben isn't looking for him. Which means he can do even less than usual, because he can't even try to talk Klaus out of anything, and all of that just doesn't sit well with him. But he's pretty helpless about it all, and after spending what feels like ages wandering aimlessly around trying to find Klaus, he finally just returns home. Maybe also a little bit in the hope that Klaus has shown up there himself in the meantime, but of course this is not the case. Klaus remains missing.

But the others are here. And because he knows enough of Vanya's everyday life, Klaus seems to be unreachable, and he doesn't want to repeat what happened with mom, he rather looks around. Not after dad, he's not interested in him, even if he briefly drops by, only to notice how he's sitting quietly at his table, making some notes in a book and looking as serious as ever. For a moment he wanders around Pogo as he sees him walking through the halls, and then he gets stuck with Diego as Pogo checks on him.

For a moment the monkey stands in the doorway to the basement, looking in, then he sighs and turns around. He walks straight through Ben, and Ben almost expects the usual cool feeling, but nothing happens. Strange.

He lets Pogo go and walks into the basement. Joins Diego, who throws knife after knife at targets. Of course, he hits every single one perfectly. As always. As you would expect. Still, Diego doesn't seem to want to give up training. Even though Ben isn't sure you could still call it that. Is it really training when there is actually nothing to train? Or does it fall out of the realm of training because Diego seems to use these exercises to calm down? Why? Did something special happen? Still because of Klaus? Because of the situation in general? Because of everything? Because of Ben? Still?

He sighs, looks around, and then leans against one of the walls.

Diego throws his last knife, then walks across the room to retrieve all his weapons. After, the whole game starts over. And then again. Yet somehow Diego doesn't seem to get any calmer. At one point, he just leaves the knives in place, and reaches for a pair of scissors next to him.

They hit just as accurately as anything else. Do Diego's abilities affect everything? He didn't know that. When did Diego-

But from the look on Diego's face right now, he probably didn't know that either. He looks at the target, then his hand, and then turns around, reaching for the next thing he sees. Some kind of pen. He throws. But the pen doesn't even hit the target, let alone the red dot in the middle.

Diego sighs loudly, turns around, and walks across the room. Shortly after, he comes back with a cup full of various stuff. Where did he get all this? Is this really just sitting here? Is that one a scalpel? Wow. Ben has never been in this basement before, but he's pretty sure he didn't expect to find a scalpel here. What's that doing in the basement, anyway? But Diego doesn't seem quite as confused about it.

He takes it and throws. It hits, just like the scissors. And the next thing he throws—Ben doesn't really have enough time to look at it closely—misses the target again. The next pair of scissors hits. So does a letter opener. And so does a screwdriver. More pens don't. No ruler. At some point Diego collects all the things again. Even the things that flew by. Somehow Ben never thought of Diego as someone who would clean everything up, too, but that's pretty much what he's doing right now. And then he puts everything aside again except for the things that hit, and starts the whole thing over.

Ben has no idea for  exactly how long he does this, but it must be forever before Diego finally stops, pockets his knives, puts the rest away and leaves the basement. He looks exhausted, so it must be a long time. But at least he doesn't seem so incredibly angry anymore.

Which may have been the goal of all this? Originally? Ben's not quite sure.

*

Or maybe it  wasn‘t the goal, because Diego spends almost all his days down here, as he soon realizes. In a way, he's probably just as lonely as Vanya. Only different. Because he doesn't see Diego struggling to get along with anyone. He's not really trying to get along with anyone. He's not just being ignored, but more ignores people himself. Probably still doesn't make it that much better, though.

The only times he really sees Diego interacting with anyone is when he goes to Mom, and offers to help her with something. Which is almost cute. But it doesn't really happen often, and asking him, it‘s still too little for the bare minimum of human interaction. Even if Diego seems to be fine with it. It's still sad.

Klaus still hasn't reappeared. He‘s just gone. He‘s starting to wonder if Klaus will ever show up again. So far he has always reappeared, no matter how bad the emotional outbursts, but maybe not this time? Maybe this is finally it? For good?

* "Do you think Klaus is ok?" He's surprised when he eventually hears the question. It comes almost out of nowhere. Just like Vanya who asked. The last few days Diego hasn't really been in contact with anyone except Mom, and Ben has almost gotten used to this silence, but now Vanya is suddenly standing there, in the doorway, where Pogo was standing at the beginning as well, looking at Diego questioningly.

He snorts. "Why should we care?" He's still angry. Or again? How exactly does that work with him? "Maybe he's long dead." Diego shrugs, throwing another knife. "And what's it to you? Just keep doing whatever it is you always do. Don't you still have an instrument to learn? Or anything normal?" He shakes his head. "Just leave me alone, and take care of your own problems, whatever they may be."

Wow. He just writes Klaus off? But Ben would have noticed if Klaus was dead, right? Klaus wouldn't have just left without showing up again, would he? But … no, he would know if Klaus was dead. For sure … right? Maybe he should check up on him again after all.

And after Vanya, obviously. Who now hangs her head and disappears again. All this is exactly what he always didn't want to have, and what he couldn't really change even when he was alive. Or didn't try. Maybe both? Maybe he could have done something if he had only tried hard enough, but looking at all this … maybe he just hasn't. Or maybe he's been too busy with himself to listen to everyone else and learn something from it? Maybe he's just as bad as the rest …

[andifittakesmeyears]

I wish for a family (Chapter 4)

(Part 5 of 31 | Part 1 here)

*

He wants to leave Klaus alone and check on Diego, just for a change, but then he runs into Mom first, and somehow he gets stuck with her. After the last weeks, which he mainly spent with Klaus and Vanya, it's a relaxing change to see someone who doesn't just make the same mistakes over and over again, but just seems to be … happy. Which probably has to do with the fact that that's exactly what she does, but by now he's not really picky. She seems happy preparing dinner and singing, and it's enough that he settles down at the kitchen table, and for a while just relaxes and watches her go about her daily routine.

He catches himself smiling as she hums a tune he's never heard before.

"Do you need-" she suddenly says, turning to him with a smile before just as suddenly breaking off again. She doesn't stop smiling, but she lowers her head for a moment before returning her full focus to cooking.

"Mom?" But she doesn't respond. Of course she doesn't. She can‘t see him. Obviously. Maybe she's just having lapses. Like a human being. Maybe she just thought someone was here. Which he is, actually, it's just hard to really believe that when the whole world is ignoring him.

He puts his arms on the table, and then rests his head on them, closing his eyes. Mom keeps humming some tunes to herself, and for quite a while—he has no idea for how long exactly—he just enjoys it.

And at some point it's almost as if he falls asleep, because when he becomes aware of something around him again, Mom is no longer there, and he hears noises from the dining room. He startles. His heart isn't beating, he isn't sweating, but still, he's sure he‘d be both if he wasn't struggling with his death right now. It is as if he has truly ceased to exist. Not just to everyone else, but to himself. And in all the weeks he's been out of existence now, that's never happened to him before. Can he just disappear like that? If he doesn't focus enough, will he just be gone? Will he cease to exist for Klaus, too? For himself? Will he forget himself? For real?

He stands up so quickly that normally he might have knocked the chair over, but now he just glides through it. He hasn't quite figured out how that works yet either. But at the moment he doesn't really think it's important. Right now he has other problems. Problems that he would prefer not to have. He doesn't want to think about them.

Maybe he just needs to rejoin the others. While he was with Vanya, that didn't happen to him. And it didn't happen with Klaus either. Maybe Klaus can see him. He can't be gone if Klaus can see him, right? Even if he forgets himself, as long as Klaus sees him, that means he must still exist.

So he turns away from the kitchen, and walks over to the dining room and the others. They are all sitting at the table in silence, just like when he accompanied Vanya to here the last few days. Nothing is different, except for Klaus, who sits at the table this time, catching scowls from the others. He ignores them just as he ignores Ben. But for a brief moment, Klaus' eyes graze him, and he turns away again so quickly that Ben is sure Klaus saw him. He's not invisible. Not to everyone. He's still there. He breathes a sigh of relief, then walks toward the table to sit in his chair. Not that it's really his anymore—probably, why would it be?—but it's still empty, and even if it makes no difference whether he sits among the others or not, it at least ensures that he doesn't feel too lonely. Yes, he's not talked to, but nobody talks anyway, so it's almost as if nothing has changed.

The glances between Luther and Alison are obvious—hopefully they‘ll get this under control before it gets even weirder—and that Vanya mainly looks at her plate, briefly looks up at most, is nothing new to him either. Neither is the fact that Mom is just watching all this with a smile, or that Klaus is obviously rolling a cigarette under the table. It's not as if he hadn't known that long ago. It's the first time he's seen Klaus' hands shaking while he's doing it.

"Klaus?" he wants to know.

Klaus actually looks at him briefly, seeming anything but pleased. He looks at Ben more as if he wants him to leave him alone. Which is actually a dead giveaway, but so is the rest of Klaus' demeanor, and it's not like that's going to stop him from following through with his plan.

"Are you ok?" Which is a ridiculous question that he can easily answer for himself. When was the last time Klaus was ok, with all of his drugs and problems?

Klaus grins, and snorts in amusement. Or it sounds amused. But it really doesn't look like he's amused. The word Ben would most likely use to describe him would probably be 'resigned', and he's pretty sure he wouldn't be wrong to call him that.

"Do you have something to say?" asks Dad, and Klause looks at him this time. He's still grinning. It still looks as humorless as before. "What, and you'd listen?" He laughs dryly. "When was the last time you were interested in listening to us?" Klaus shakes his head and stands up.

"And where are you going?" Dad wants to know.

"What do you care?"

"You just showed up again," Diego interjects as well. "Don't you want to stay at least one day?"

Klaus just waves him off, and turns around.

"Klaus!" Diego stands up. "You haven't been to Ben's grave once, and you want to leave again?" He sounds really angry.

"And what do you think I should do?" Klaus sounds way too cheerful. In a strangely uncheerful way. "Visit him? And what would that change?"

"It doesn't-" But Diego interrupts himself as Klaus laughs again, then turns around.

"Number four!" Dad slams a hand on the table, and immediately there's silence. No one says anything anymore. Diego sits down again. And into the silence, Klaus starts laughing once more.

"I'm not an animal that you just have to teach a few tricks and it always does your bidding," he says. "I'm going. Do what you want, sink into self-pity or whatever, but Ben's dead, Five‘s too probably, and I'm not going to be stuck in this damn house until I‘m next." Then he turns and leaves.

Dad calls after him, but the only response is a door slamming into the lock, and the silence that follows. Ben still sits rooted to his chair, watching him go. Then he turns to the others.

Mom is still smiling—probably because she just can't help it—mostly at Diego now, Dad shows no emotion, but Ben is damn sure he's just as pissed as Diego is. Whose face he can't see right now, but who has both hands clenched into fists, and whose whole body is tense. Luther looks mostly rattled, and Alison is just turning back to her plate. Vanya is also looking at Klaus. She seems almost sad, especially when she lowers her eyes again to finish her meal.

He sighs. Klaus shouldn't have reacted like that. Klaus should at least try to get along with them! He's not mad at his siblings, after all, is he? At Dad maybe. But he can get over that just once, can't he? After all, this is about all of them, not just him! Why doesn't Klaus see that?

And yet somehow he just can't get it out of his head how Klaus' hands were shaking. Following an intuition, he gets up and runs after Klaus, up the stairs, and through his door. He wants to check on Klaus, wants to ask him why he is not well, wants to at least offer to listen to him, but Klaus' room is empty. No one is there. And when he searches the rest of the house, he can't find Klaus anywhere else either. Klaus is gone. Apparently he meant it when he said he wasn't staying.

[andifittakesmeyears]

I wish for a family (Chapter 3)

(Part 4 of 31 | Part 1 here)

*

He steps out of Vanya's room—or rather walks through her door—and over to the stairs, where Klaus is just coming up, and-

"Klaus!" he greets him, but Klaus doesn‘t even look at him. He walks straight through him as if Ben isn't even there, and- that's just it, isn‘t it? He's not there. For everyone else, he's gone. For good. Even for Klaus, who should be able to see him but doesn‘t. Or he ignores him, Ben isn‘t sure. He could just as well be gone, couldn‘t he? Not just dead, but truly nonexistent. Which he isn‘t. Not yet. Or is he? Does he still exist when no one pays attention to him?

The door to Klaus' room slams shut, and shortly after, Vanya's door opens and she walks over to Klaus' room, stops in front of it, and … does nothing. She just stares at the door and that's all. And then she finally sighs loudly, turns around, goes back to her own room, and they're all alone again.

No one else is here. No one else is interrupting. No one else cares, presumably. He sighs, and turns to Klaus' room. He almost expects to see him with some pills, or some bottle or something, even though he hasn't seen Klaus come in with one—but what does he know, right?—but Klaus is just lying face down on his bed, not moving.

"Klaus?" he asks quietly, coming closer. No response. But Klaus is here, so he can't actually be in mortal danger, can he? If he was, he certainly wouldn't have come back. He never comes back unless he's at least halfway sober. So Ben doesn't worry too much.

Which doesn't mean he doesn't worry anyway. Because he does. He worries a lot, actually

"Klaus?" he comes even closer and sits down on the bed. Which maybe he shouldn't be able to, if he thinks about it. How can he not touch it on one hand, and sit on it on the other? He really doesn't understand. Maybe it‘s a subconscious thing?

Klaus still doesn't stir. But he breathes calmly. Evenly. Maybe he just fell asleep. Maybe he's exhausted. Or maybe he's just faking it.

"Klaus, we need to talk." Still nothing.

He sighs softly. Seems like he‘ll have to wait. But it‘s okay. It's not like he has other obligations to attend to. He has time. Maybe he should just check on Vanya again, even though probably nothing will have changed in that little time. Or maybe he should check un one of the others?

But if he thinks about it, this is the first time in ages that he sees Klaus lying quietly in his own bed, and he doesn't have to worry about his sibling doing anything stupid, and … maybe he'll just sit here, and allow himself this little moment of peace. It will certainly take him enough effort to deal with Klaus later, no matter how much he would like that to be different, so maybe he should just enjoy the calm as long as it lasts.

*

It takes a few hours before Klaus really wakes up again. At some point in the middle of the night he has moved to make himself more comfortable, but he is only awake now, the next morning. And as expected, he's really giving Ben a hard time. Or … well. Maybe not quite. But he's certainly not making it easy for Ben either. Ben is sure that Klaus can see him—he even reacts sometimes and turns his head, he must be able to see him!—but still ignores him. He has even walked through him when Ben, in an ill-considered moment, put himself in front of him to make him stand still, but apart from an infinitely strange feeling he has had because of it, this unpleasant coldness, Klaus walking through him has done nothing.

At some point Ben gave up, and let Klaus go, hoping that he would be more in control after a shower, but no. Klaus still doesn‘t change his behavior. He goes to the closet without looking at Ben and puts on some dress before getting rid of the towel. After that he goes up to his table, opens a drawer, and starts rummaging out some empty pill bottles. He can't be serious! He is at home here, he can't just take anything like anywhere else! Or actually, he shouldn't be doing that anywhere else either, but … Ben kind of thought that at least here it would be limited to smoking, but obviously it's not. Not when there's already so much stuff in Klaus‘ drawer that's used up. When did he take all those pills? While he's here? And they ignored it? Ben has always assumed that he gets all his drugs elsewhere, and there's nothing he can do about it anyway, but … crap! And now he really can't do anything about it anymore. And all because of some stupid accident that happened. If you can call his death an accident.

He goes over to Klaus, and tries to stand between him and the drawer, ignoring the strange cold feeling that immediately comes over him again. And which Klaus apparently feels as well, because while he continues to search the drawer, he only does that for a few seconds before he steps back. He shivers and rubs his arms.

"Stop it," Klaus says.

He shakes his head. "No, you stop it!" Klaus isn't even 18, he shouldn't think about screwing up his life with drugs and alcohol and whatnot, let alone act on it! He should- He has to- "Just don‘t! Can't you be serious for once? There are more important things than your addiction!" He doesn't even know where his emotions suddenly come from. Doesn‘t know why he's yelling at Klaus now. But at least Klaus does stop, and looks at him properly for the first time today. Not looking through him, or ignoring him, or pretending Ben is invisible, but really looking at him.

"Just go away," he answers eventually. He doesn't yell, but it sounds … venomous. "What do you care? You're dead, so get out, do something else, just mind your own business." And then he suddenly breaks off, laughs once dryly, and turns away. "Stop pissing me off." He goes back to his bed, sits down, and opens the drawer in his nightstand.

Ben follows just as Klaus reaches for a bag of pills, and he‘s ready to knock it out of Klaus‘ hand, but of course he is still unable to touch anything. Nothing happens.

Klaus just laughs dryly. "There's nothing you can do anyway," he then states, even though it‘s already obvious, and opens the small packet. "Why don't you just give up?"

"Like you have?", Ben can't help himself. Because that's exactly what it is, isn't it? Klaus just gave up on himself at some point, and now here they are. But instead of reacting angrily, Klaus just laughs again, and then he looks away from Ben, takes one of the pills, and swallows it. Ben snorts. "Fine, have it your way." He'll try again later. Klaus will listen to him eventually. For sure. He just has to!

[andifittakesmeyears]

I wish for a family (Chapter 2)

(Part 3 of 31 | Part 1 here)

*

It can not only get better. And he doesn‘t make a difference. Obviously. Because he simply can't see how. What he can see very clearly however, is how little is changing. And how little he noticed before that something really should change. Vanya would deserve it. So much. Maybe knowing that makes it worse.

All the time he's been with her now, and mostly he notices how little anyone else is here. How lonely Vanya is sitting there at her table, reading the book in front of her. And he sits on the bed, watching her turn page after page. He's been listening to her practice the same piece on her violin over and over again for hours now, reciting some mathematical formula over and over to herself without help, trying to memorize it. The same formulas over and over again. More violin, and her books in between. And that's all. And she does all of it alone. No one else is here. Only at dinner does she meet the others, and those occasions all pass in silence. Especially now, when there are only four of the seven children left. Because Klaus still hasn't shown up again. Will he even ever show up again?

Vanya sighs as she turns another page, and then turns away from the book. Looks over at the window, and just sits like that for a long while. Ben doesn't dare move. Not while she sits so still as well, just staring straight ahead.

They sit like that forever. So incredibly long, and he can do nothing but sit there, and watch her, and that's all. But he so badly wants to …

"I'm sorry." He has no idea where that comes from. No idea why it took so long to get here, to realize that she could need someone, and that he'd never been there, and now he's dead, and isn't it a shame that it took his death, of all things, to even realize that? "I wish I had been there for you." Why couldn't he have had that realization when he was alive? "I like your violin playing." And now that he's started, he can‘t stop. "I wish I could help you learn, and that we could talk about anything. I wish we could read a book together and talk about it. I'm sure Five could do a good job helping you with math. You don't deserve to be here alone like this, I wish so much-" And then he has to interrupt himself because he can't control his feelings even as a ghost, and because he just doesn't know what to do, and it's all so hard, and why wasn't he there for her when he still could? When it would have made a difference? "I'm so sorry," he croaks out again.

Vanya's head whips around to face him. For a moment, he really feels like he's making a difference. For the first time since his death. Maybe even longer. He doesn't know how, or why, but if Vanya can sense him, sense that he's there, then maybe it is enough to-

Vanya stands up, walks straight up to him, and then drops onto the bed. Just like that. She didn't feel him after all. Maybe she's just as tired of her daily routine as Ben is. Maybe she wishes just as much to be able to do something. To have done something when she could. Does Vanya also feel remorse? Does she regret things too? Did she also have things she didn't do in time? Maybe-

He takes a deep breath and gets up from the bed. Maybe he shouldn't give up on Klaus yet. He can't give up on him yet. He can still change things, and maybe it didn't work last time, but that doesn't mean it can't work next time. Or the time after that. Maybe if he just tries often enough … he can't leave Klaus alone. He's already left Vanya alone, and he can see where that ended, so he's not going to put Klaus through that, too.

He'll make his sibling listen to him somehow. He‘s make him stay away from drugs. And then they can take care of all the other problems together. Just like that.

Downstairs, the front door opens and slams shut again. Shortly after he can hear Klaus' footsteps on the stairs. So he has returned after all. Good timing. Ben can even save himself the search this time.

[andifittakesmeyears]

I wish for a family (Chapter 1)

(Part 2 of 31 | Part 1 here)

*

It's not like he really expected it to be any different, but still, it's a shock when he finally finds Klaus and he's not sober. On the contrary. Klaus is so high, stuffed to the brim with whatever, that he's well on his way to forgetting even himself, in addition to the family he doesn't seem to care about at all.

He's in a good mood, laughing and dancing. Blanks out all his problems, obviously, and Ben stands by all evening while Klaus drinks, and drinks, and then drinks some more. He's had enough when Klaus finally puts the syringe in. He is willing to wait, gladly longer, but he will not watch Klaus destroy his life. He would rather find him again another time.

The next morning, perhaps—Klaus spends the entire morning in the bathroom minimizing his stomach contents, even though he hasn't actually eaten anything at all.

The next evening—another party.

The second day—more parties.

Or gladly the third, fourth, or fifth day—everything remains unchanged.

The sixth day, he watches a way-too-drunk Klaus walking away with a way-too-old guy, and for a week he's holed up in the attic of the mansion, feeling so sick he wishes he wasn't a ghost, just so he could do something about this nausea. Or so he could yell at Klaus. Because Klaus just doesn't listen, and somebody has to do something, and in the house nobody seems to care what's wrong with Klaus, and somebody needs to intervene, but Klaus doesn't hear him, and-

No. No, he's not going to give up. Someone has to talk to Klaus. Someone has to help Klaus, and if no one else does, then it will be Ben. Even if he's dead. He just has to find some way!

So he pulls himself together, finally, after far too long, and looks for Klaus. Who of course is not in his room, because when was the last time Klaus has been there? But Ben has seen him in enough places, at enough parties, that he at least has an idea of where to look for Klaus.

So he does. Leaves the house, and starts searching some discos and bars that Klaus has no business being in and should be thrown out of immediately, but for some reason isn‘t.

In the end, he finds Klaus not in a bar, but behind one. He is about to enter the building when something pulls him away from the door and around the block. And there he is. Klaus. Between the dumpsters. It feels like he's magically attracting Ben. Yet he is unconscious, and completely blind to the rest of the world.

Once again, he wants to do something. Reach out to Klaus, help him up, take him somewhere he can be helped, but when his hand touches him, it just goes right through him once again. That damn …

"Klaus?" he tries to address him, but of course Klaus doesn't respond. Ben can see that he's breathing, that he's alive, but he could still be dying of an overdose right now, and there's nothing Ben can do. Nothing at all. And when he looks around, there's no one else around to do anything either. Not that Ben could actually alert anyone, but now he can‘t even try!

"Fuck!" He runs his hand through his hair. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! And yet he's so determined to help Klaus. How is he supposed to do it like this? "Damn it!" he yells loudly, kicking at one of the trash cans. But not even that can give him satisfaction, because of course his foot just goes through the garbage can. So fucking-

"Ben?" he hears someone ask. Soft. Not even quite a whisper.

Immediately he spins around to Klaus. His eyes are open. And he looks at him. Has just addressed him. Because he sees him. "Klaus!" Immediately he kneels on the ground in front of his sibling. "Klaus, thank God, you are- it‘s-" He interrupts himself with a sob. Damn those feelings! But it just feels so good that Klaus is talking to him. That Klaus is alive, and he sees him, and … Klaus! "You're dead," he hears Klaus say, and he nods.

"Yes." Yes, he is. Of course he is. It's not really a surprise. Klaus knows he's dead. Does he think he's dreaming? Hallucinating? "You can see ghosts, remember?"

Klaus shakes his head. "I feel sick."

"You must have had too much to drink." As usual. As always. "You need to stop." Klaus just laughs. It sounds far too broken for the teenager Klaus is supposed to be. He‘s almost an adult, sure, in some ways, but still a teenager nonetheless. Ben doesn't like it at all.

"Klaus, let's go home, yes? Somewhere you can rest until you feel better, and then we'll talk about it." Ben really doesn't like how insecure he feels about this. How much he wants Klaus to just say yes, and go along with it, and then he can finally get Klaus to stop doing drugs, and then everything will be better. They definitely just have to get home and-

"Where is that supposed to be?" Klaus laughs again. And again, it sounds wrong. Wrong, and broken, and bad, and Klaus needs to stop doing that. Klaus has to stop breaking himself!

"Go home, Klaus." But obviously his sibling is dismissing him as something unimportant after all, because he doesn't even answer. He just pats down his jacket pockets, and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from somewhere. He can't be serious! "Stop it!" How can Klaus even think of smoking now? Just a moment ago he was unconscious, and now he's going at it again? "Don't do it! Stop it, you can't-"

"How are you going to stop me?" Klaus puts the cigarette between his lips. "Just leave me alone." And there's a humorless smirk on Klaus' lips before he lights his cigarette and he ignores Ben again. No matter how much the latter yells at him that he has to stop, and there are more important things to do, and he can't go on like this! Klaus just ignores him.

Maybe this was a bad idea after all. Maybe he shouldn't have tried. He should have guessed that Klaus wouldn't just quit like that. That Klaus is, as always, too selfish to really do anything, and that all of this is going nowhere at all. If Klaus really wants to do this, then he can go ahead. But Ben won't go along with it. Ben is leaving. Will leave. Now, immediately. He can't stand this any longer. "Do what you want," he shares his decision.

Klaus looks him straight in the eye, and takes another drag on the cigarette. And that's it.

Ben shakes his head, turns around, and leaves. Okay. If that‘s what Klaus wants. Then he'll find someone else. Maybe he'd better look in on one of the others after all. Maybe they can't see him, but this is pure torture, and if his visibility doesn't make a difference anyway, then he might as well check on one of his other siblings. That can't be any worse than this.

Maybe he should try looking after Vanya for a bit? It can only get better, right? And who knows, maybe it does make a difference if he is there or not. Even if nobody can see him.

[andifittakesmeyears]

Okay, so … it‘s been a while? But I‘m the anon of that question, and I finally wrote it! Or, actually I wrote it end of last year, but I finally started translating it into English now, so … if anyone‘s still interested (@thesevenumbrellas, @zerokrox-blog, @mimisobel?), you can find the first part here: I wish for a family But of course I know it‘s been some time, so you might not be interested at all, and I totally understand that, I just thought, I‘d @ you in case you were still interested, so you‘d see it, that’s all ^^

(1/3) Fanfiction idea, I kind of want to write but am also so not sure about (warning: death mentioning, sad): Ben has been around Klaus for a long time now. It‘s been strange the first months/years after his death, so he wasn‘t around a lot back then, only sometimes, but he‘s been around for years by now. And he knows Klaus, his life, and actually everything (important) about him. He‘s also always seeing this little kid around Klaus. The girl’s maybe four years old? Maybe five?

HAVE YOU WRITTEN THIS YET!?

[andifittakesmeyears]

I wish for a family (Prologue)

Title: I wish for a family (Part 1 of 31)

Summary: All Ben really wants from the beginning is for his family to finally act like a real family, and for them all to get along and stick together. But of course it's never that easy with this family. And when he dies, it only gets harder.

Raiting: M (maybe undeserved, could be PG, but I‘m not sure with the topics?)

Triggerwarnings: Dead people will be mentioned and appear as ghosts (probably kind of obvious, but … well), Klaus still has his drug problems, implied rape in chapter one (taken from Klaus mentioning his first time in the series and implying he was to drunk to remember anything) for a few lines, and I think that might be it, but I‘m not sure, so if you find I missed something, please tell me.

Further notes: English is not my mother tongue, so there might be some mistakes, and also I might have allowed myself some freedoms with ghosts, but I hope everything is understandable nonetheless and that the story is enjoyable and not too out of character or anything :)

Prologue

Sometimes Ben feels like he really would be better off if he had a different life. Another family. Actually, he gets that feeling quite often. Every time Dad comes up with a new training method, or he has to watch Allison and Luther prance around each other, or Klaus does the same stupid thing again, for the third time this week, or there's some media appearance … every new assignment, every mission, every time he has to let the monster out, and he just wants it to stop.

He just wants to be normal. Or have a normal family. One that sticks together, and doesn't betray each other. One that dosn't fight every day, and where dinner doesn't feel like the last meal before an execution. He wants a Klaus who isn't high all the time, and a family that doesn't judge Diego for stuttering, and most of all, he wants those stupid tentacles to go away! He wants Vanya to stop looking so sad, and he wants Mom to laugh for real, and … he just wants a family!

But of course it doesn't work out with these people. Because everyone only has themselves on their minds, except maybe Allison and Luther, who think about each other all the time, and Mom, who only has everyone else on her mind, but never herself. Which is probably her thing. Because she's only there to have everyone else on her mind, so he probably shouldn't even count that.

*

Five disappears. Just gets up one day, leaves the room, and never comes back. And for a moment, Ben really has hope. Feels like Five's disappearance can bring them together more, but then Dad starts making even higher demands on them, and they all get the feeling that he blames them for Five's disappearance, and in the end, nothing changes. At best, it gets worse.

*

And then suddenly he's dead, he‘s dying, and this time he really feels like this could finally be it, that all these people could finally get it together, and really become a family, and finally everything will be like he always wanted, but it all just … shatters. He stands apart from his family at the funeral, and not even everyone is there. Five has still not shown up again, Klaus is surely back at one of his terrible parties, Dad has only been there for a brief moment, and no one is even giving him a speech.

For a few minutes, all his siblings present just stand there, in front of this strange statue, and then, one by one, they just turn around, and leave. Diego stays the longest, but he too leaves eventually, just as wordlessly as the rest, and when it finally starts to rain, only Mom is still there, staring blankly at his monument.

And then there's Vanya. Who he's almost forgotten about, because they haven't done anything together in ages. But she‘s here now, placing a flower in front of his statue. She mumbles something he can't understand, and then she disappears again. The flower is the only evidence that anyone has been here at all, and it almost saddens him that the only person who has thought of such a small thing is the sister he had the least to do with.

When he sneaks through the house, almost everything is as always. Just a lot quieter. Dad is sitting in his office taking notes, Mom is cooking, Luther and Allison are sitting in the attic holding each other, Diego is throwing knives at a dartboard in the basement and seems to be seriously fighting back tears, and Vanya has curled up on the bed in her room, crying heartbreakingly. He wants to comfort her, badly, is already walking towards her to sit with her, and put a hand on her shoulder, but when he touches her, his hand goes straight through her, and it makes no difference. There's nothing he can do. Because he's dead, and it doesn't matter if he sees how sad Vanya is, because he‘s unable to change anything. No one can see him.

Except for Klaus. Klaus can still see him. Klaus can see ghosts, so they should still be able to communicate, right?

Maybe his death won't fix the whole family, but if he can get Klaus sober, just maybe, it was worth it somewhere, wasn't it? Then it won't have been for nothing? He's even willing to talk Klaus into feeling guilty. Surely it's not a good idea, not friendly, nothing nice, but if it would help Klaus to stop using drugs? He‘s ready to pressure him into that any time. Ready to tell him about how he wishes Klaus to stop with the drugs, and now that he is dead, it is the only thing he wants. And then Klaus can tell the others that he wants them to get along, and … he has hope. He has a plan, he has a goal, he knows it's all going to work out, he's so sure, and all he has to do is find Klaus, and then finally all the things he's always wanted will come true, and everything will be ok.

So he goes looking for Klaus.

He finds Klaus.

He is just as invisible to Klaus as he is to everyone else.