anon-ohmus

[anon-ohmus]

A Poem About Heroic Deeds

It is my imperative to patiently await penance With a sentence I serve, in essence, without bars or fences, for saving the world with graffiti sentences i spray painted, on and around the premises of the House of Representatives who were all in attendance and bore a striking resemblance to an evil wizard I once lost a bet with to be the first to equip a holy relic on his shopping list that we could find in the screaming abyss, but legendary artifacts are always hit and miss and this one. turned out to be loosely based on 2nd hand legend with no real evidence to begin with. The point I should probably mention before I get stranded on some other distant tangent or stuck in a loop of mental gymnastics or artistic acrobatics is that this aforementioned wizard’s passive perception is not even half of what his intelligence is, and insight is Lower still and he was addicted to medicinal sedatives , long story short he had a preference for strapping Young apprentices and as my wisdom stat Is not much higher than his is, I truly suspected they were animated skeletons risen as thralls by mystical Ben wah balls , before they were stuffed into the vestiges of my dialectician’s distant relatives, but they turned out to just be two bulimic executives that were a little too sensitive that we wouldn’t follow the narrative they envisioned of their utopia of wickedness disguised as a tentative paradigm of tyrannical excellence pulled from the deepest crevices within the horrible lairs of reality’s worst eldritch menaces, but before the modern poetry fans could cross check these pseudo-fictional references; the cultists had come to their senses and because of a preference within their own subconscious awareness, their plan was in motion and every specimen in every planet’s oceans began to cause several spooky disturbances summoning everything from Super Saiyan Kaijus and 20th Level adult Cthulhus to Yog’sothoth wearing soggy socks and a few crackwhore pikachus that continuous abused poor Washed up and retired Goku. All this and too much more would have surely brought on an apocalyptic war that would shake the universe to its core. Then the great old ones and their anomalous genitals grew ventricles out of their testicles causing their massive tentacles to grow pimples and boils so putrid that the high Pope of the 3rd galactic confederation, who was 3 thousand years away but somehow smelt it, was made nauseous, if only a little bit. He was in the he midst of a convention and somehow the smell caused him to botch the drafting of an interdependence prospectus that would end the acceptance of pedophilia regimens that at the time were amassing an army of prepubescent vegetables, that they found perversely delectable, and were using them as sentinels to continue imprisoning homosexuals to Generate idealogical power from gay pride festivals by aligning the pentacles of crackbaby blood, from their crop duster planes filled with PCP smoke that they drew from the sky, to truth north and south destroying Saint Nicholas’ elven whorehouse which inadvertently saved the world as Santa was secretly the big bad guy all along! the Yuletide army of Chris Kringle, who turned out to be the eldest and most evil of the elder evils, was no more and due to this the major conflict I mentioned(for no obvious reason)had ceased and receeded so that the many factions of this war could attempt to fill the power vacuum his jolly fat ass left right before the signing of a cosmic census and divine mandate that gave androids to celebrate their own weird form of birthdays on the day of were made and they free to accept all cookies instead of eating human flesh flavored birthday cake. They were also given the freedom to upload or download themselves, or whoever, into the hearts of us all no matter how real or fake. No matter what species, model or even what make. It was a glorious day and everyone had sex and everyone had a playmate. Noth good, nothing was bad and Everyone finally respected mumble rap and viewed it to be just as good as all that poetic lyrical crap.

[anon-ohmus]

Salutations,

And a happy fine helllo

My Name is Anon from the land of Ohm,

Welcome to my home away from home

Before someone tells you i stole it, it’s honestly just a loan.

And the place I serve my sentence for casting the wrong stones

in a land far away and a time so long ago

Anywho, I offer a service From the depths of my mind

It’s Fundamentally simple, yet beautifully sublime.

I need nothing to produce this timeless art.

I Make it with nothing from the end to the start.

Where it comes from who really knows?

I’ve pondered that for years and know that I don’t.

if you want to explain it, I hope that you won’t

Just enjoy the river no matter the flow

It’s a fun ride regardless of where it goes

📖Yes, the schemes of my rhymes are wild and chaotic.

Some call me an amateur, I’m not, I’m just neurotic.

The truth is I’m an alien, and it’s actually quite exotic.

But please Bear with me if this starts to get robotic.

I really hoped to trim and skim the topics

,Not convey myself as a nerdy alcoholic,

And stick to things that folks might find anecdotic

But now I feel it’s turning quite psychotic

At least it hasn’t taken a turn for the erotic

Or something grim like outbreaks of bubonic

Or anything racist or naively Patriotic

Thankfully I’m out of rhymes that I find melodic

Hopefully that might be just enough to stop it

But, it seems this poem is quite kaleidoscopic

And will recite a near rhyme to not seem idiotic.

Everyone just remain calm, or it might become despotic

I’ll use my gift of.linguistics to do my best to try calm it

I’ll craft a call for it to give response, follow, and frolic

perhaps to a series a sixty six of episodic biopics

Written by acne riddled junkies still hooked on phonics?

What a terrible annoying idea, I’m sure it will work!

Now, have at thee, you vile Flibbertigibbet jerk!

Now to tie of this stanza with some pointless fancy jargon

And A secret technique I learned from Marvin the Martian

At least I think it was him, but I suppose I could be wrong

That Martian moonshine they brew is actually quite strong

It must have been spiked with Plutonian cocaine

Or even Jupiter Juice because I went a tad insane.

I ejected my uncle from the airlock and didn’t sleep for a week

But I distinctly remember meeting that croaky, centurion freak

Because he’s the one that pointed out that Uncle Sam could still breathe.

Wait, was that the day we met or was that a Martian weed dream?

Come to think of it , it wasn’t my Uncle Sam, it was my Aunt Billy.

dreams are really are strange when IRL is just as weird and silly.

is it racist to suspect that Martians are a sect of black-faced Ku klux gladiators?

No matter , it’s time for the leafy super dank 420 psyche Modulator.

Perhaps enough of this chronic smoke

will be enough to make me wheeze and choke

And guffaw, and chuckle to disjoint my body and free my mind

To Temporarily pass right the hell out of space and fall out of time

To finally sober up and end this silly, flamboyant display of mine

I’ll huff and I’ll puff like a classic fairy tale canine

And if we can call this a poem it will conclude just fine.📖

Eureka! It worked! Suck my ink you linguistic Jerk!

Go find some other mediocre poet’s verse in which to lurk!....in.

*ahem*

As I was saying,

Perhaps it’s a talent I’ve honed over time.

I’m just thankful my talent was this and not mime.

No offense to my duochrome homies, I respect the anti-arts just fine.

But for me some things are just too much set up with no real punchline.

bravo if you’ve made it this far.

still entertained? Then, you’re an absolute star! 🤩

With me you’ll find no dark agendas or endeavors.

Just a mysterious bird that might be of your feathers

But also just a sad and lonely, alien Nerd

Whose only friend in this prison is the written word.

prison? Why, How utterly absurd!

Why would i label my home with such a word??

Never would I dare utter such terminology!

Such cockamamie slander warrants me an apology!

Among the word crafting nobles of highest celestial regard

I am a heralded saint and you a mere crusty begging bard!

My tounge might be forked and silver and my nose- long and brown.

But I will always be an honest lying minstrel and not a sad heartbroken clown.

Hm? What was that my dear? I’m sorry for that outburst you had to overhear

It’s just that The neighbors I have locked in my head

They bully my speech and critique every syllable said.

But now I suspect they’ll go away and finally drop dead

or maybe they’ll at least just make fun of you instead.

So just Relax and trade me your wonderful stories.

Go on, i won’t even find the mundane one’s boring .

Stick around, in my home you’re always most welcome.

Visitors are rare; smiling ones even more seldom.

But I think this poem can mutate one more time while i fetch

Ir seems to fancy the rhyme scheme flip from a-a to a-b

Before you say it please don’t get me wrong, comrade.

I am happy, just lonely, lost, and misunderstood...

Whether l seem overjoyed, miserable , hurt, or mad.

I feel how I feel not how i want or am taught I should....I

Most days I am thankful for whatever realm of whimsy births my art

But often These beautiful words can make things so much worse

Breaking Hearts made of glass, when mine won’t even start

I think my gift of petty prose may be just a vile Trojan horse.

If the pen I wield is mightier than their sharpest swords

And My weapons are not just verse and sloppy rhyme

Why do those I adore seem, at times, annoyed or bored

With these fleeting , flighty, flowing thoughts of mine?

So let us relax and trade our dreams and stories

Even those the other might find dreadful or boring

Anon is my name. I’m of the Land of Ohm

Giving lonely strings of words a place to call home

I have nothing to sell , I preach no religion or Champion a philosophy

All i have to offer are unsent love notes And a few cathartic apologies.

- Anon Ohmus

Mar 10, 2021

8:46 PM