anonymous-prince

[anonymous-prince]

“I didn’t lose you, you lost me.”

— Unknown

[anonymous-prince]

missing someone is so weird. i've barely thought about you much in the last few weeks, and when i have it's been with indifference. but today something happened and it should have been funny but i just felt the overwhelming urge to cry because the only reason it was funny is because it's something we made fun of and laughed about together. so now i'm in my room crying because my mom said she getting new living room furniture again, and because she finally accepted that she has naturally curly hair after i've been telling her that for years. nothing particularly funny or out of the ordinary, but things that we had always laughed about nonetheless. and as soon as she said it, my first thought was just "i wish i could tell you, i wish i could tell you about the mundane things that happen in my life and we could laugh together like we used to."

but i can't and i probably never will because you probably still hate me, because you blame me for not putting up with it when you started treating me like shit. you probably still don't think you did anything wrong, or if you finally realized it you've decided not to admit it. i hate the person you turned into, but i somehow don't hate you. i can't hate you when i still have the last few years of memories from when we were still friends, from when you were still undeniably the best friend i've ever had. i still can't accept the fact that the person you were is the same one who started treating me so poorly during the last couple months of our friendship, before cutting me off completely when i just asked you to talk to me so we could try to fix things. i don't understand it and i hate the way things ended. i hate the things you did and i hate the way you hurt me and i hate the way you changed, but i still can't hate you.

i haven't cried much in the last couple months since you cut me off, at first i mostly felt anger and then indifference, and lately i've barely even thought of you at all. but tonight i'm crying worse than i have in months, because my mom said she's getting new furniture and because she accepted she has curly hair, and we should be texting each other laughing about that. but instead of texting you and laughing, i'm typing this post that no one is going to see or care about and crying.

it's not fair. and i can't help but wonder if this has all hurt you as much as it's hurt me. have you spent nights laying in bed crying because you miss me? have you broke down because something good or funny happened in your life that you wanted to tell me about, only to remember you can't (except you could, i wish you would, my DMs are always open for you, just in case you ever need me or change your mind and want to apologize and try to fix things)? i can't help but hope you have, because that would at least mean that i was important to you, that our friendship was real and that it mattered.

i really want to message you one last time just to make sure you know without a shadow of a doubt that i don't hate you, that i still care and i'm still here for you if you need me, and if you ever want to work things out all you have to do is let me know. i just can't let go of the small hope that maybe, just maybe, after you calmed down after the initial outburst and had time to really sit with things and recognize what you did, you regretted it and have wanted to reach out to apologize and work things out. that maybe, after not talking for a couple months, you realized you still care about me and miss me as much as i care about and miss you, and you want to be friends again. and maybe the only reason you haven't done so is because you're too afraid, afraid it will start another fight and make things worse, afraid that i hate you and would want nothing to do with you, afraid that it would make me block you for good and destroy that final shred of hope that maybe i would reach out first. maybe you're just afraid of messaging me for all the same reasons i'm afraid of messaging you and we've both been hurting all the time when we haven't had to, because if one of us just made the jump, the other would be there just like we said we always would be. maybe we're both just too scared to do it, because what happens when you jump and no one is there to catch you? when the person you were expecting to be there just stands back and watches as you fall?

is that why you haven't blocked me, is that why you haven't unfriended me? because that's why i haven't blocked or unfriended you. or maybe the fact that you haven't blocked or unfriended me doesn't mean anything, maybe you truly just forgot to do so and don't even realize that you still have me added. and that's what i'm so scared of, the reason why i can't convince myself to message you to say everything i want to, because what if all it accomplishes is reminding you to unfriend or block me? and then that last little bit of hope would be destroyed, and i'm just not sure if i'm ready to face that. i'm not ready for you to hammer the final nail in the coffin of our friendship.

and i know that sitting here holding onto potentially (most likely) false hope that maybe some day you'll reach out isn't good for me. that i should just message you and see how it goes, because best case scenario my seemingly hopeless hopes were actually right, you feel the same and we work things out and become friends again, and worst case scenario you block me for good and then i know the truth and won't be left to wonder and hope for something that never would've happened. but i still feel like not knowing and being able to hold onto that hope might be easier than knowing the truth, if the truth is that you don't care and our friendship truly is over. i know messaging you and figuring out the truth would provide closure, and that in order to truly be able to move on it's what i need to do. but i'm just not sure if i want that right now, i'm just so scared that it won't go the way i hope, and i don't know how i would react after that. i could just be giving you one final chance to hurt me, and why should i willingly open myself up to more pain? especially when i know that's the most likely outcome. but i just can't let go of the hope that my expectations are wrong and you would surprise me, and prove to me that you haven't changed entirely and are still the person i knew as a friend.

i just miss you. i still care about you, even though you made it clear you didn't care about me. except you did care about me, at least until the last few months. you had to, right? you wouldn't have read my long ass messages venting about my life and tried to help me and comfort me, you wouldn't have called me and talked for hours just listening to me cry and rant and completely break down, you wouldn't have spent your own money to buy me stuff to help me, you wouldn't have done any of that if you didn't care about me, right? so then how did you go from caring so much, to not caring at all when i told you i was about to be evicted and almost became homeless, with no where to go and no one to help me? it doesn't make sense to me, i can't make it make sense. i know you were mad at me at the time, but i could never stop caring about someone just because i was mad at them, especially not when it comes to something as serious as homelessness.

the argument had happened more than a week before, it started because of you talking down to me and treating me like shit, and i had tried to talk things out the same day the argument happened but you ignored me completely. instead of talking about things like an adult, you ignored me and held a grudge that apparently made you completely stop caring about me. so much for being your "close friend," your "brother," your "found family," huh? friends fight, siblings fight, families fight, but then they either put in the effort to apologize and fix things or they get over it and move on. they don't suddenly stop caring about each other as if they never meant anything to begin with.

maybe our definitions of "friends" and "family" are different.. that seems to be really common for me. i always seem to value and care about people far more than they ever do me, and yet i continue to fully trust and believe in people. i trusted you, i believed in you. even after everything, part of me still does. i just don't want to believe that the way you treated me the last few months is how you actually are. i can't understand it, it doesn't make sense. please at least make it make sense, tell me why you started treating me that way, why you suddenly stopped caring about me. i need to know. i wish i could read your mind, just to understand your thoughts and feelings. none of it makes sense to me.

i don't know. i still miss you and still want to be friends, i don't hate you, and i'm still here in case you ever need me or if you decide you also want to be friends again. i really want you to know that, but i'm too scared to reach out to tell you, so i'll just sit here and hope that you know that even though i know you don't. and even if you did know, i doubt you would care. but i'll continue hoping that you do care and that you miss me as much as i miss you. and maybe one day i'll finally get up the courage to actually message you. but until then i just really hope you don't hate me and that you still think of our friendship as mostly happy memories. i miss you.

[anonymous-prince]

“I saw something that reminded me of you. I wanted to show you, but then I remembered that we don’t talk anymore.”

— Unknown

[anonymous-prince]

Having ex friends that you left because they hurt you is strange. I hate you and never want to see you again. I wish we could still be friends. I wish you the best. I hope you get fucking payback for how you hurt me. I wish I could make the hurt stop for you. I know how you’re feeling. Maybe i should reach out. I never want to talk to you again. Remember that one time we had fun and were friends. Did you ever like me. I miss you. You’re a fucking piece of shit. I need to let you go.

[anonymous-prince]

Will you think about me on my birthday?

Will you recognize my laugh in a room full of people?

Will you remember that I stood by you like this?

Will you?

Because I will.

[anonymous-prince]

except i do want to hear about it and see you again, because i really believe we could have worked things out if you would have just talked to me. instead of ignoring me and running away from everything and cutting me off despite all my attempts to fix things. you hurt me over and over and then refused to even speak to me, you just gave up on our friendship and stopped caring about me and i just can't make myself believe that this is truly how you feel and what you actually wanted. i want to believe that you regret it and that you want to reach out and fix things, even though you never will. i just want us to be friends again, and i want to believe that you want that too. and i'm still here if you ever do want to work things out, i don't hate you and i hope you know that

ex best friends are just. i will never love anyone the way i loved you. you hurt me so much in a way only you could. i still think about you on your birthday and wish i could be there celebrating with you. i hate that things ended the way they did. i don’t think anyone will ever understand me like you did. i miss our inside jokes. i’ll never forget you and i wish all of the dreams we talked about come true for you. i hope i never hear anything about it. i miss you. i never want to see you again.

[anonymous-prince]

“Don’t give them a taste of their own medicine. They already know what it tastes like. Give them a taste of your own medicine. If they lied, let your medicine be honesty. If they played with your emotions, let your medicine be maturity. Don’t be afraid to be yourself, even if it means removing yourself from lives that you want to be in. You are, no doubt, worthy of being valued for who you are. So be who you are.”

— Najwa Zebian

[anonymous-prince]

“All of the years I spent trying to be someone you could be proud of would have been better spent being proud of myself for who I already was.”

— Paula Heller Garland

[anonymous-prince]

If you have Spotify reblog this and tag what your number one song on your “on repeat” playlist is.

[anonymous-prince]

ah yes, with the weather warming up comes the struggle between "wearing tank tops and showing my arms/shoulders gives me gender euphoria + is much more comfortable in this weather" and "my binder being visible stresses me tf out and makes me anxious" i hate it :) can't wait for the day i can get top surgery and not have to deal with this lol

[anonymous-prince]

i know what it's like being hopeless / bruises on your mind like it's broken / but there's a better life on the other side / so pick anywhere you like

lifeline, the rose

[anonymous-prince]

me a few years ago: unable to even say my own order at subway, too terrified to even be in a different aisle of the grocery store than my parents

me now: if i have the money and ateez announces a tour date anywhere remotely close by, i'm seriously considering traveling out of state and going to a concert by myself. i've never been more than 3 hours away from home, and have never even been home by myself for more than like an hour, and have never been to a concert or anything similar. also considering getting a plane ticket when i have never even been on a plane before

(psst ateez please continue holding off on tour date announcements, it gives me more time to hopefully get a job to save up more <3 don't listen to all the atinys saying to hurry and announce the dates)

still can't figure out what caused this complete 180, but it's one of the best things that's happened to me. the weirdest part is that before it happened, i had been saying for years that it was gonna happen someday. and it did. after so many years of waiting and wishing and wanting things to change, one day something finally clicked and it just did all at once. it's so weird and i still don't understand what happened lol

[anonymous-prince]

officially falling down the rabbit hole of ouji fashion (pun not intended but also i did in fact get rabbit themed stuff), just bought some pieces and can't wait for them to get here (gonna be a painful couple months)

been interested in ouji for probably 5+ years but was always too afraid to actually go for it bc of my parents. but i'm finally at the point that i do not care, i'm gonna wear what i like lmfao. i think it also helps that my best friend who i met 2 years ago is very very into lolita and has been wearing it for a really long time. seeing how much she loves it has just made me want to get into ouji even more. really excited to finally start wearing it and slowly building my wardrobe and understanding of the style <3

we really are just the same person in different fonts, it's great. same personality, shocking similar life experiences, and now similar but contrasting fashion (pastel lolita vs black+white ouji).

side note, even before knowing about ouji, i've just always wanted to wear crowns. like that has been a constant, never-wavering desire for literally my entire life, since i was a toddler. no one is surprised tbh, "prince" has been part of my social media handles for yeeaaarrsss, finally living up to the name lol

[anonymous-prince]

finally getting my friend to watch bsd and one of the first things she said during/after ranpo's introduction episode in season 1 was that ranpo and i are basically the same person lmfao

[anonymous-prince]

i'm so proud of myself, i've changed so much in the last 1-2 years in all the best ways and i'm just so happy about it. right now the biggest thing is that i just realized that change doesn't scare me anymore. i used to be so terrified of change, even good change, change that i wanted.

i spent years hating my hair and wanting to cut it, but i was so scared of the change that i never did it. i would spent countless hours crying over it, would constantly feel insecure because of it, never took care of it because i hated it and it was so much work... but still didn't cut it, because the thought of such a "big" change was way too scary. (i finally cut my hair 1.5 years ago and have been so much happier and better about caring for it since. and as soon as i can leave the house by myself, i plan to get it cut even shorter and also dye it.) (before i cut it 1.5 years ago, it had never been cut before. it was down to my butt, but i finally cut it just above my shoulders and haven't gone back.)

but now? my friend (who lives half way across the country and who i have never met irl) and i have been talking about and figuring out a way for both of us to move out together and away from our parents. and the idea of moving half way across the country to a place i've never been and where i only know one person isn't even scary. i honestly couldn't be more excited by the thought of it. i've always - in theory - wanted to move far away from my parents, but at the same time the thought of living alone or being away from my parents in any way was the single scariest thing i ever could've imagined. 2 years ago, if you had asked about moving half way across the country without any family and just a single friend, i would've thought it was completely insane and terrifying and never would've even considered it. (especially since i've never even been more than 2-3 hours away from home, and haven't been away from my parents for more than 1-2 days at a time). but now i literally cannot think of anything better, it sounds so amazing and exciting and not at all scary. and better still? it's starting to seem like it might be a real possibility in 2024.

my mindset has changed so much, my own fear/anxiety is no longer preventing me from doing things and making the changes to improve my life and live how i want to. i went from stressing and crying over a relatively small change like cutting my hair.. to not being even the slightest bit afraid of a huge change like moving halfway across the country, to somewhere i've never been, and only know one person.

i'm just so proud of and amazed at the way i've gone from being the most insecure, anxious, sheltered, introverted, and scared person imaginable to.. this. i'm so confident and secure in everything, and new things and people excite me rather than scare me, and i'm so much happier for it. now i just need to find a way to get everything sorted out externally so that i can finally be free from of parents. as soon as i can get away from them, i'll be truly free to by myself and finally live again.

[anonymous-prince]

my aunt convinced my parents to finally take me to the optometrist!! i've been asking them for months, and constantly bring up how bad my vision has gotten over the last few years (and especially the last few months have been very noticeably worse). they refused or ignored me every time. but i brought it up the other day while my aunt was over and mentioned that they won't take me, and then suddenly today they told me they got me an appointment??

i also brought up how they're refusing to pay for me to get certified copies of my birth certificate and refusing to take me to get my ssn card. and refusing to take me to get my learner's permit, refusing to teach me to drive, refusing to let me get my driver's license, etc. so my aunt said that if we can just get them to help me get my ssn card, then i can go with her son when his friend takes him to get his permit in december or january!

my aunt is by no means a good person (she's awful, actually) but omg i love her so much right now. looks like she's gonna be my best bet for getting all this stuff done so i can finally leave this place. who'd've thought lol

[anonymous-prince]

the pain that comes from finally wanting to exist and interact with people and be part of the world again, but not being able to do so because other people (my parents, it's always my parents!!) are doing everything possible to prevent you from growing and becoming independent from them... is infinitely worse than all of the pain that originally caused me to close myself off and shut everyone out and avoid the world in the first place.

after so many years of being completely cut off from the rest of the world and terrified by the thought of having to live and work and interact with people, of wishing to simply curl up in my room all day and disappear, i'm finally ready to actually live again. but now the people who are supposed to love and support me, the people who spent all those years telling me that i need to "grow up" and "suck it up" and "face the real world" are suddenly my biggest obstacles.

it's becoming really obvious that they never actually wanted what was best for me. they just want to control me. they wanted me to work and have friends back then because they knew i was still ultimately going to be dependent on them because i was much too insecure and scared to leave. but that's not how it is anymore, that's not how i am anymore. i'm beyond ready to be free of them, and that terrifies them. they know that if given the chance to leave, i'll be gone. they're scared of losing me, or maybe saying they're scared of losing their control over me would be more accurate.

two of their three other kids have little to no contact with them now. they're scared of losing another. not because they care about me, but because they're scared of losing the love and care that they think they're owed as my parents. they want to have someone to take care of them, free of charge, as they're getting older and their health is declining. they think that their kids owe them that, just because they provided the basic necessities. i don't owe them anything, and i am not going to put my entire life on hold just to sit around here getting disrespected day in and day out. i also think they're scared of the loneliness that will come with no longer having any kids at home.

trying to keep my trapped here is only pushing me further away from them and making me hate them. it makes me even less inclined to want to help them now or in the future, it makes me less likely to visit or keep in contact once i'm out of here. and someday, somehow, i will get out. things will change, something's gotta give sooner or later. this can't go on forever. but god it would be so much better for everyone if they would just help me out a little.

i want out so bad, i hate it here. i feel trapped, i basically am trapped. it's suffocating and infuriating and it's just— so awful. being ready—being excited—for life, living, existing, for the first time and after years of thinking you could never feel like this.. only to have everything halted by the people you thought would support and celebrate it with you.. it's awful.