anythingandreitten

[anythingandreitten]

thunderstruck and hard to breathe.

i have been trying to process the most recent grey's episode where meredith's house was on fire. even without ellen pompeo's recent post about her leaving the show, seeing that scene completely devastated my heart. i did not want to believe it until i watched it myself. this is my intention for writing this: to have a containment of my emotions and everything i have regarding not just this episode but ellen pompeo leaving grey's. i strongly feel that no matter how heavy this is for me, i would want to be able to keep this, because grey's anatomy has been such a big part of my life since the past year.

the show. when i was in high school, a lot of students watched series in their pasttimes. from what i kept hearing then, i had quite a lot of choices to go around if ever i do choose to watch by preference. however, i never saw myself doing so. i mostly stayed on social media to watch rather than committing myself to long minutes of episodes of seasons. a movie was enough. until one time in 2018, in 12th grade, one of my professors (who is also my sweet friend) asked us to watch something and do an ethics paper about it. each of us was assigned a certain medical drama episode to write about. that was the first 'episode' i've watched in my life—'an honest mistake', grey's anatomy s5e16. a year later, my brother started watching the series on netflix. since then, i committed to my first series, and it was grey's anatomy. there were month-long pauses in the process but i was definitely hooked. from being a thing i do on free times, it has turned into something that i anticipated and then learned much from. sometimes, i wish the time when i began really gaining understanding and wisdom (starting around past season 6) from every step of the way happened exactly on the first episode. it was helping me. it was growing me. to this day, i cannot believe how God used what people seem to just use for distraction to expand me. grey's anatomy has been such a great part of my life, and a much greater one since september last year, 2021.

meredith grey. before her, i had lexie grey, and april kepner as my comfort characters. i believe 'comfort character' can be self-defined, and for me, it is someone that does not just give out a hug, but also show parts of you that you understand and love more when you see apart from yourself (like watching a movie but yours). with lexie, it was more of her than of me. the way she carried her life and stood and fought for herself and the things and people she loved was fascinating. she was more than the photographic memory i also had. she was more than the fun and food junkie i so relate to. then april kepner, the woman who definitely matched my beliefs. she was a Christian, barely noticed but really worked hard. her persistence and stubbornness reminded me so much of myself. then came jo wilson, who had a story packed with so much trauma i share with. i did not like her but when i saw her story unfold, and how she rose above and lived and fought for her life despite her past, had me in so much awe. the words i have written about them, i just know, do not compare to how much 'comfort' i found in them. then there was meredith grey. when the hardest season of my life began, i believe i was also starting to see what people meant when they said that she has gone through so much. i was just coursing through episodes and seasons until i reach the latest ones, often without intentionally binging (just more on savoring what i can unpack from each). meredith grey at the time represented the who that i was—dealing with too much loss, fighting through life, and even grieving from all that has been taken away from her. she was learning a lot about herself; she was doing her job; but she also had quite a lot of unprocessed things. ellen's character made me feel seen, remembered, valued, loved, and understood during a time when i shut off from connections, when i was going through life alone, and when all wrong things were happening at the wrong times. though fictional, through meredith grey, the show taught me so much about myself and my story, our context and culture, our relationships, our phenomenal concerns and social issues, our fights, and simply just how the human body works. seeing the whole show unfold from season 1 to the latest episode was a masterpiece that i feel like God allowed ro really be a part of my life. i was not and more than just a fan—it was a part of my story. i can confidently attest that i would not be the person i am if it weren't for 'that phase.' i was shaped through it. it was not a distraction and most importantly not an idol, it was a tool. from meredith grey's house, to the development of her leaving, her storyline was so close to my heart, along with lexie, april, and jo.

the house burning and her leaving. a superficial factor as to why it easily became hard for me to process and let go of meredith grey was this: now that i am in sync with the show as it releases its episodes, the first character who leaves that i real-time encounter (among all) was meredith grey. it hurt when izzie left, ellis died, lexie left, george died, mark died, yang left, derek died, callie left, deluca died, arizona and april left, alex left, and jackson left, but because i had episodes to hang on to after them, there was not that much piercing through. i knew who were still there, but with mer leaving, it hits different, most especially at a time when she has become my home character. and what hurt more is that her house burned. her house was an unrecognized keyolayer in the show. it was a reservoir of everything good (and even bad) that meredith had and went through. it was where the show all began, and i could not have it in me to accept that of all that meredith had already lost, it did not stop with the last one. her house was also being taken away from her. this was just too much. my story tied with a lot of, if not most of, the show's storyline. after a few weeks of finally being stable, i find myself in a low, trying to pick the pieces of what will be because meredith's loss (her house) once again represents the moment when i remember all of mine. suddenly, there's also been something taken away from me, again, like how 'again and again and again' it is for meredith too. the show and most especially her and the other characters taught me so much through their conversations, their advocacies, their relationships, their patient care, and of course, who they are (despite fictional).

i guess that is all for now. i have yet to find a right time and a right space to particularly write about things i have learned and kept through witnessing the show's journey. for the meantime, i will cry to the song that played in this exact scene: 'one step' by jeremy lister. i will cry until i am done. thank you, meredith grey. thank you, grey's anatomy. i will continue to anticipate what it will be until it finally ends. thank you. all this is portrayed so well by the lyrics.

for the meantime, my heart aches.

agl.

[anythingandreitten]

sometimes, with trust issues,

it is not that they might happen again, but that they already happened. and regardless that they happen again, it will never be the same.

agl.

[anythingandreitten]

a friend told me

on my 20th birthday, 'if it is not yet time to share, write them all.' it was a time when i kept journals and just scribbled everything away.

but now, this is going to be that space. and until i'm ready to put it out there, i shall keep writing.

agl.

[anythingandreitten]

i was asked ‘what’s it like to be God’s favorite?’

[this was written on may 1, 2022. hi, tumblr, i guess?]

the late night after my birthday this year, i decided to stay up a little after the celebration call my friends did for me. i wanted to finish my painting writeups, so i went in one of my discord channels. another person joined me and i thought she was someone i knew. . .until she replied to my chat. then we turned on cameras and microphones.

then began the most spontaneous conversation i’ve had after the loooongest time. our personal intentions to accomplish something that night was beautifully disturbed by such an insightful and vulnerable exchange.

i believe we talked about almost all sorts of interesting things. . .or maybe those of the kinds that are very much not expected from a first conversation. in every single subject, we got to slowly know more and more about each other’s stories. one of them was about talents and gifts. she asked about my painting writeups, and what type of paintings i did and what they looked like. she then shared about how she wanted to know one talent she had—one that she’s very passionate about, one that she definitely would just do out of heart. she has expressed her eagerness to someday recognize and embrace one. 

after everything we have discussed so far, it was definitely showing that she was thinking i’m a smart and skilled person. how did i know? it’s because she asked me a question: ‘so what is it like to be God’s favorite, ate?’

haha. . .can i be honest? be honest that i’d been told this many times already? be honest that it’s one of the things that often leave me speechless? be honest that despite the large lacking i see in myself, (and on my birthday when i felt the least celebrate-y), someone whom i just met for like an hour asked me this? i know it’s not anything literal ‘cause God has no favorites but i know she meant the blessedness and the privilege. 

so i also asked myself. yeah, andrei, what is it like to be God’s favorite? i realized that at that moment, i think i have an answer—a personal and vulnerable answer. . .so i gave it to her. and this would be an expanded version.

‘it’s definitely not the easiest person to be, most especially now. to be gifted with a handful of things is good—like handwriting, communication, vulnerability, discernment, being observant, creativity, expression, eagerness, intentionality, mindfulness, and relational skills—until there comes a time you wish you hadn’t recognized them, or put them out of the dark like ‘wow, this is my gift pala.’

recently there has been a lot of situations i was put in that i wished i just didn’t have the gift. i wish i wasn’t vulnerable and expressive, so i couldn’t find any possibility for people to misunderstand me and take advantage of my rawness. i wish i didn’t love and care about people around me so much so i couldn’t carry their hurt or couldn’t at least expect that a few might also just love and care about me the same way. i wish i wasn’t so observant so that i couldn’t be so mindful and unforgetting of the smallest details. i wish i wasn’t as good at relationships as i am now so i don’t get so much pain and anxiety. i wish i wasn’t as creative or eager so i couldn’t put so much expectation to myself which eventually leads to low self-esteem and confidence. i wish i don’t see things differently instead, because often when it comes to speaking out, i feel most like an outlier. i wish i don’t see things differently so i don’t feel the hurt myself when i see the people i love in conflict or in misunderstanding. there are those days that those gifts are the things you don’t want to do anything about. na siguro mas madali yung buhay—less loss, grief, and breaking.

but then i remember, James 1:17 and Matthew 7:11: ‘every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights. . .’ and ‘if you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!’

. . .when these verses sink in to me, i am reminded. . .there is Someone i am using these gifts and doing all of this for. there is Someone who gives me more someones i can bless them for. there is Someone who is all-knowing and is all-i-need. if everything He does and creates are not in vain, and these gifts and skills and all that i am are His works, then i am not in vain, nor is anything He does through me.

oo, hindi naman talaga madali. but these, andrei. . .these are good and perfect gifts. for a purpose that is much bigger than you, andrei. than all of us. so keep listening to God for and through these gifts, so you can employ them for God through you. there is nothing as sweet as knowing what Your Father packs inside His gifts for you. and there is nothing like how that puts a smile on His face.

even when it is the breaking that’s greater than the breakthrough these gifts show me, i love every single one of them. they are such beautiful parts that make me the whole that i am in Jesus. there is nothing about them that makes me appreciate them less just because i am still living this short temporary life. 

this is what it’s like to be God’s favorite—to have an equal breaking, and conquering in the understanding of my blessedness and completeness in Christ, to behold such a beauty that life on earth can only show so much, and to be in awe of so much more revelation and wisdom in the constant flow of being in an overflowing and purposeful relationship with Jesus and then being more like Him with and for His people.

it is in giftedness that God opens my eyes, and uses my eyes to see through His eyes. the last thing this blessedness desires me to be is blind and unable. it is so i can move and be moved through His grace in this life.’

thank you, regina. you may never see this but i hope God lets you know how grateful i am to have had this conversation with you, especially on my first hours of being 21. and i hope i get to know you more and grow with you more. learning and seeing more of life through that short window because of you is something i get to keep with me for the rest of my life. truly, thank you.

this is still insanely and mindlowingly crazy to me. i am so full and glad i shared this moment with such an unexpected person. wow. . .the way You work always leaves me in awe.

agl.