aoiberi

[aoiberi]

"Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words” --Robert Frost

Out of all the types of sadness, she had never felt a sad like this before.

A pure kind of sad. Just--

There were no other extraneous adjectives that could be associated with this emotion--the form of sad that could only be described with the simple, three-lettered word.

Sad.

Unable to express her emotions into words. 

How does one describe the feelings of the heart and mind into a coherent thought? How does one describe the heaviness of the body, the emptiness of the brain, and the numbness of the heart and let it be decoded by the fingers, translated on the keyboard, and written onto the blank page on the screen?

Sadness on the happiest days. Sadness when surrounded by love. Sadness when filled with good tidings. Why? Why sadness? Why are you sad? Why am I sad?

I don’t know, she thought. I don’t know.

Reason.

What is the reason? 

If she doesn’t know the reasons to her emotions, do her emotions have any reason to exist? How are feelings born without reason? Can emotions emerge without reason? Reason is the reason things have meaning. Right? No? She doesn’t know. 

If a thing is without reason, does it make it meaningless? If so, is the sad then meaningless? But can emotions be meaningless?

Or, is it a cry from the soul that the brain has yet to understand? Why does the soul cry but the brain not understand? Why is the mind deaf to the hurts of the heart? How can one body have parts that feel separately and do not understand the other?

...

With the words on page and the questions written, the twirl of inexplicable emotions and wordless thoughts have diffused from the body and onto the page.

And she became herself, again. 

[aoiberi]

the discovery

“The Discovery” 

She discovered that she did like seafood. 

It reminded her of the way he looked, as the sunlight lit his face with a soft glow, the sky behind him pigmented in vibrant streaks of orange. 

She went home that night and searched for various recipes and went to the store the following morning for the ingredients. She never liked cooking, but she was a college student. It wasn’t like she could afford to buy seafood pasta and eat it by a view. 

Although, she wished she could. The ocean was particularly blue that day. It reminded her of his eyes. They had the same deep hue--endless and warm. 

She came back home with trembling arms, precariously balancing the bags of grocery on her arms and fingers. She refused to make more than a single trip. She haphazardly dumped the food on her kitchen floor, pulled out her phone, and sent a photo of the mess. Then, throwing her sweaty hair in a lopsided bun, began to organize the needed ingredients. Her phone buzzed as he replied to her text. She had started the process of boiling water and washing the ingredients. Her nose crinkled in disgust at the pungent smell of fish, but the text she received made her smile. She ignored the goosebumps that shivered down her spine at the first contact of slimy skin.

After all, she had a guest coming and fish to wash. 

Staring at her sink, with the piles of unwashed bowls, she couldn’t help but grimace. But she spotted the two empty plates, one with half a noodle left behind, and felt a happy warmth bubble inside. 

She blushed as she remembered the way his eyes lit up. She remembered the pride she felt as he emptied his place. She remembered his hands as they softly brushed against hers. She remembered his lips as they said goodbye. 

It wasn’t until later that she discovered that she did like seafood, but only with him. Also, she never did like cooking. But it was worth it to see that smile. She discovered that, maybe, it wasn’t the seafood or the cooking. 

She discovered it was him. 

She discovered her heart. 

And his, along the way.

[aoiberi]

deku: wooden doll/puppet

(read somewhere that deku can also mean wooden puppet. so heres a little prologue piece i wrote to a dadzawa story i have swirling in my brain where green beans biological father aka afo calls him deku or his little puppet) 

He always thought his name was funny. 

Otou-san has a hobby. He likes to carve wooden puppets. Otou-san has always loved puppets, making the lifeless move. Otou-san always called him his little puppet, his deku. 

Deku thought it was all kind of funny. 

But then flesh replaced wood. 

Otou-san has a hobby. He likes to create puppets. He calls them ‘Noumu’. 

He calls him Deku. 

Deku no longer thinks his name is funny. 

Otou-san is a scary man. He also knows scary people. But no one is scarier than Otou-san. He is the scariest. Otou-san starts training him the moment he turns three. Deku does not remember much before he turns three, so from his earliest memory to his most recent, he only recalls pain. 

But Otou-san never really hurts him. Otou-san is firm, strict, and scary, but the scary around him is different from the scary when he is around the other scary people. 

Otou-san has two types of scary. 

The scary that makes Deku cry because Otou-san won’t let him stop until his trembling muscles can no longer support his small frame. The scary that pushes Deku beyond the sore aches until it becomes a burning fire that runs through his veins like molten lava. But there is the scary that Otou-san uses when he is talking to the other scary people. The scary that makes them cry and scream. It is the scary that makes Deku cover his ears at night but still unable to deafen the piercing sounds. It is the scary that shows the scary people that Otou-san is the scariest. 

Otou-san is a scary man with two different scaries. Deku knows the first one very well but not really the second. But then Deku turns five, and he begins to know the second scary very well, until that is the only scary he knows. 

When Deku turns four, Otou-san waits for his quirk to appear. Apparently, that’s when Deku is supposed to get his own quirk. Deku doesn’t know if he wants to have a quirk. Otou-san and all the scary people have quirks. Deku doesn’t want to be like them. 

The doctor says Deku will have a quirk. He’s still four, almost five, and still does not have a quirk. Deku is glad to not have a quirk. But the doctor says he will get one. Something about not having an extra pinky toe. Deku knows he only has two pinky toes, one on each foot, and wishes he had a third pinky. Maybe then he won’t have this thing called ‘Quirk’. 

Deku is five and Otou-san uses his second scary on him for the first time. Deku usually cries when Otou-san uses the first scary, but no tears fall when he sees the second scary. But his knees cry red, his arms and head too. His eyes remain dry but everywhere else drips in sticky scarlet. 

Otou-san says Deku will have ‘the Quirk’. There are many quirks, Deku learns, but there is only one quirk that Otou-san wants. It’s the only quirk Otou-san can’t give. 

Deku knows a lot and not a lot at the same time. Deku knows he wants to be good but does not really know what good is. Deku knows that Otou-san wants to train him to be just like him. Instinctively, Deku knows that Otou-san is not a good man. Deku knows he doesn’t want to be like Otou-san. Deku knows he doesn’t like the people Otou-san likes, so he thinks that he will like the ones Otou-san hates. He knows that outside of the dark, metal walls there are those they call heroes. 

Otou-san hates heroes, Otou-san hates good. 

Deku wants to be a hero, wants to be good.

[aoiberi]

sailing to the top ch. 6 snippet

“So,” Kageyama started, trying to mask his nervous eagerness with indifference. “What now? You do know that the press won’t stop bothering you until you reveal everything.”

“Hmm,” Hinata hummed. “It’ll be no fun if we just sit and down and go ‘surprise!’”

“Of course,” Kageyama deadpanned.

Hinata giggled.

“What?”

“Wouldn’t it be funny if everyone was expecting a boyfriend reveal, but it turned out you were my fiancé or something?”

The setter stiffened and looked down at Hinata who was still scrolling through his phone in casual gesture, as if remarking about the weather. “W-What if…” Kageyama cleared his throat. Citrus-scented waves lightly tickled his cheeks, soft and warm, smelling of summer days and all its vibrance. Gazing down, he could clearly count each individual freckle, a constellation dusting his nose and cheeks, as if the stars couldn’t all be contained in his eyes and found home on sunkissed skin. God, he loved this man. “Let’s do it.”

“Hm? Do what?” Shouyou asked offhandedly, still absorbed in the content on his phone.

“Get engaged.”

And finally, Kageyama had his boyfriend’s attention.

“Huuh?!” Hinata straightened abruptly, gripping Kageyama’s forearm in alarm. “W-W-What?!”

Kageyama flicked his boyfriend’s forehead. “You’re the one who brought it up first, dumbass.”

Hinata blushed furiously, “Y-Yeah…But…”

The setter raised a brow, “What, so you didn’t mean it?”

“O-Of course I meant it, Bakayama! But…”

“But….?”

The remaining shock flickered and wavered, dying down as it was replaced with resolve and a typical fire. Honey-tinted eyes looked up intensely into cobalt ones, “Okay. Let’s do it.”

Of course, Kageyama had already been thinking about proposing. He just didn’t know where to even begin.

His boyfriend was a simple person through and through, fancy clothes and elegant dinner dates a nemesis to the loud and energetic whirlwind that was Hinata Shouyou. When requesting help from his senpais, Suga-san suggested a picnic. It was a great idea, the only problem being the lack of privacy. While private reservations were possible at restaurants, the open nature was free for everyone. Suffice to say, Kageyama did not know how he would propose, only that he wanted to.

As a last resort, he had texted Kenma, begrudgingly admitting that the former setter would know what Hinata would like best.

KENMA

kenma: the best proposal for shouyou would be one that isn’t a surprise.

kenma: if u were to surprise him with a ring and shou didn’t have one prepared for u

kenma: i think deep down he would feel a little sad that he didnt have a ring to give u too

kenma: idk if that makes things harder or easier for u but i don’t think u need to worry about planning a surprise or smth complicated. if anything, just go ring shopping together and make a casual date out of it. i think he would really like that.

kageyama: that helps a lot. thank you kenma

kenma: np, gl kageyama

And Kageyama knew Kenma was right. But, given that, casually remarking his desire to get engaged seemed just as difficult as planning an elaborate surprise.

However, Hinata had, unknowingly, granted him an opening, and it was a moment of pure spontaneity. Intoxicated by summer smells and sunkissed skin, Kageyama had blurted out his proposal, and Hinata had accepted it with a breathtaking grin and tender kiss. It was the best spontaneous decision Kageyama had ever made. It couldn’t have been more perfect…more them.

True to Kenma’s word, Hinata had loved the idea of a ring shopping date. The ginger had gotten eagerly dressed for their day out, stuffing his bright hair into an inconspicuous cap and throwing a mask onto Kageyama’s face before excitedly rushing themselves out the door.

“Now we can give rings to each other at the same time! How perfect is that!” Hinata skipped, swinging their interlocked hands as they easily maneuvered through the Tokyo crowd.

Kageyama smiled, his hand tightening around Hinata’s. “I had wanted to surprise you with it, but I’m glad you’re enjoying this.”

Hinata pouted, “But if you surprised me, then that means you would’ve beaten me!”

“Huuuh?” Kageyama stared at his boyfriend, bafflement etched in furrowed brows. “Proposing isn’t a competition!”

“Bakageyama! Shh!” Hinata yelled, covering the setter’s mouth with his free hand. “I know we’re disguised right now, but what if people recognize you through your scary voice!”

The setter tried to express his disbelief through his practiced glare. Shaking his head, he let out a loud huff through his nose. “enma ‘asight.”

Hinata removed his hand, “Huh?”

Kageyama rolled his eyes. “I said Kenma was right.”

“About what?”

“He said you would want to present rings together rather than me surprise you because you’d be sad if I were the only one who had a ring ready.” With his free hand, he cuffed the ginger on the head, “But he never said anything about you making it a competition, boke.”

Hinata giggled, “It was probably implied.”

Kageyama sighed and pulled his boyfriend along, unable to form a reply to such idiocy. Although, he probably would have felt the same way if Hinata proposed first, but he would never admit that; he had a reputation to uphold as the smarter half of their relationship. He was a genius, after all.

After allowing himself to be dragged a few paces, Hinata suddenly pulled back, tugging Kageyama’s arm to a halt. The setter turned. “What?”

“I have an idea!” A grin lit up Hinata’s face, “If we buy the rings separately and give them to each other at the end of the day, it’ll still be kind of a surprise!”

“Huh?”

“We won’t know what kind of rings we’re gonna receive, so the element of surprise is still there! It’ll be fun! Okay?” And before Tobio could reply, Hinata had already run off. “I’ll meet you at the park at 6!” he yelled with a last wave.

With a sigh, Kageyama stared as the black cap hiding the conspicuous ginger hair slowly got lost in the crowd. Glancing at the time, he had roughly four hours to find a ring, and he was going to find a damn perfect one.

Four hours later, he made his way to the park, his heart clutched in his hand in form of a small, black box. The raven walked toward a bench where a familiar silhouette sat. As he drew closer, the figure looked up and stood. A gentle breeze lightly ruffled ginger waves and freckled cheeks lifted in an uncharacteristic shy smile, “Hi, Tobio.” He held up a ball that was by his side. “Want to play?”

With the silhouette cast by the setting sun, Kageyama had assumed the ball was a volleyball because what else could it be? However, when he nodded and walked closer, he realized it was a soccer ball. The bashful smile gone and replaced with a competitive grin the setter knew all too well, what could he do but mirror that resolve. Soccer it was.

Unfortunately, pure force of will and volleyball genius did not translate into coordinated footwork. In fact, volleyball genius instinctively reached for the ball with outstretched hands when the infuriatingly natural athlete that was Hinata Shouyou would kick the ball into a perfect arc in the air.  

“You can’t touch the ball, Bakayama!” Hinata would yell, a loud laugh following.

Kageyama would reply by setting the ball to his head.

The game of soccer was quickly attempted and forgotten, and the ball rested between their feet as the two volleyball athletes relaxed against a tree. In the distance, the sun kissed the horizon, and as if hearings its own confession, the sky glowed with the sweetest blush. The clouds blossomed pink and golden rays caressed the earth with soft tranquility. The summer breeze danced across the grass, lightly kissing the hairs of those it passed by and leaving it frivolously tousled. Tobio ran long, pale fingers through the soft, ginger locks, further messing what the wind left behind. “Shou?”

“Hmm?”

“Did I ever tell you what my Jii-san told me?”

“That you’d meet someone who would be better than you at volleyball?”

Kageyama hummed. He gently dislodged Hinata’s head from his shoulder and turned to grab both his hands, now sitting face-to-face. “Yeah… When I first heard that, I hated it: hated the thought of someone being better, the thought of losing. But when it came to you, I never minded losing.” He looked down at their intertwined hands, unable to stare directly into those brown eyes, a dark amber that glowed with a vibrant warmth reminiscent of sweet love, indomitable spirit, and childlike grins. “I-I mean…I don’t enjoy losing. But…it doesn’t feel bad when it’s to you. It makes me feel more…motivated and it’s…nice,” he finished dumbly.

Hinata snorted, though it was with a fond smile and slightly damp eyes. “That’s because you’re just competitive” He sniffed and rubbed his eyes roughly. “Baka Bakayama,” he muttered, clutching at Kageyama’s sleeve tightly. “Making me cry with all your…words.”

The setter smiled as he lifted a hand to gently wipe a falling tear. Shouyou leaned into the touch.

Kageyema shifted to present the box he had shoved in his pocket. “Uhm,” he began awkwardly. “I know people normally wear their engagement rings on their hands…”

Hinata laughed, “Yes, Tobio. That’s where rings usually go.”

The setter glared at his boyfriend. Shouyou giggled harder but nudged Kageyama to continue, eyes gentle and fond.

Kageyama cleared his throat, “As I was saying…” He opened the box and carefully took out the ring. Hinata gasped as a gold chain followed. “I didn’t know when exactly you wanted to go public with our relationship, but it’s difficult to wear a ring and hide it. But necklaces are easier…”

“Oh, Tobio,” Hinata breathed, eyes shimmering with unshed tears. But before Kageyama could continue, the ginger had started to fumble with his pocket and hastily pulled a similar sized box. The setter observed curiously as Shouyou also opened the box and took out a ring. His eyes widened when he saw a similar chain follow.

“I also asked if they had a chain for the ring.” Hinata blushed as he let the chain dangle from his fingers, metal glinting as it caught the sun intermittently as the breeze swayed the ring back and forth. “Not because I wanted you to hide it or anything,” he added hurriedly. “I just thought, since we can’t wear jewelry when we play, it might be harder to lose the ring if it were on a chain…” The ginger clutched the necklace nervously and slightly lowered his hand, “But now I’m realizing it’s a stupid reason because a necklace is basically just as small as a ring, and it would still be easy to lose. So technically there was no point in getting the ring as a neckl—”

“I love it.” Tobio quickly cut off Shouyou’s rambling. He held up his own necklace-ring, unclasping it, and put it around Hinata’s neck. “Love you.”

Tears streamed freely down Shouyou’s face as he, too, clasped the necklace around the setter’s neck, “Surprise, Tobio.”

Tobio chuckled. “You’re a dumbass,” he whispered, slowly leaning in.

“But I’m your dumbass,” Shouyou smiled cheekily with shimmering eyes and damp cheeks.

“Just shut up,” Kageyama muttered.

The ginger giggled though it was quickly swallowed by a kiss.

Unfortunately, their week-long break had come to an end, and goodbyes, no matter how common, never became easier. But this time, they departed as fiancés, a physical promise of their forever hidden under clothes, away from prying eyes, but closer to heart.