#brain dump

[highwaytohellgrammite]

I had an amazing idea. Ready to bake bread dough in the shape of a roach so when you buy it it is pale and soft like a teneral roach but then when you bake it the crust will harden and brown like a roach sclerotizing. Then you can grasp it in your forearms taking one bite at a time like a mantis.

[murdrdocs]

ares is such a little bitch and i want him SO BAD. he pistons, drills into you, and you already knew he was not mortal but its only when his cock tips into your cervix that you realize you're fucking a god, cums like he's winning a war, like conquering your cunt. and it is, no man will ever make you his territory ever again, not now that you had a taste of a olympiam

tbh i understand why he has so many kids bc me too would let him hit it raw

and also i have such vivid images of ares using you like a pocket pussy. he has a weird fascination with mortal sex toys so best believe he uses them on you consistently, pushing you to your limit time and time again, forcing you to go further until you're sobbing and pleading for him to give you a break.

he doesn't even need toys to do that. he's alarmingly big, both in stature and dick size. and shockingly he doesn't just let his length speak for itself. he knows how to use it, knowing how deep to go and where to reach to literally make you see stars.

you'll complain about it when the deal is done, wiping his excessive amounts of cum off of your stomach and grumbling about the pain already settling in your inner thighs. but then you're on him again within a couple of hours, begging him to fuck you like you're both nothing but rabbits.

sometimes, he'll tease you. when he hasn't seen you for a few days, and he comes down to talk to you over some really good bar wings. you're fidgeting in your seat, gnawing on your bottom lip, not bothering with the drink he'd brought you (he even bothered to remember your order). he knows what's wrong, what's got your panties in a twist. but he shrugs it off, nodding towards some mortal man who's been eyeing you.

"why don't you get with him if you need sex so bad." it's a rhetorical question, he knows what you're going to say before you even do.

it's not like you'll admit it outright. you won't say exactly what makes ares different from these other men. but you'll tell him, "i don't want some other guy", and ares knows that with how stubborn you tend to get, that's your way of saying no one can compare to a literal god.

[blueblurseptember]

wow. rereading svsss after reading 2ha gave such a whiplash bc it made me realize that some of the events that happen in svsss only seem funny bc it's told from shen yuan's pov who uses humor as coping mechanism, but there are actually so many things that went down that are actually so heavy, angsty, and melodramatic.

like, man, a lot of the stuff bingqiu have been through are actually as severe as the things ranwan had gone through, and yet the tones of the two novels are incomparable. svsss has the tone of a romcom while 2ha is straight up a soap opera

[serpentandthreads]

Been thinking about closed practices today, and why many (white) people reject the concept. Aside from general entitlement and never being told "no" before, it's evident to me that many white people (especially white Americans, but still white people in general) never really grew up in an environment where they were taught there are rules and standards to religion/spirituality/magic. Or, they grew up in an Evangelical upbringing and were taught to reject everything that wasn't "Christian"... so they want something else (that they can't/shouldn't have).

The idea of there being rules, a social or spiritual hierarchy in anything related to magic/religion/spirituality is foreign. It scares people. So they attempt to find loopholes. Why go find a genuine priest(ess), rabbi, elder, granny or any other person in the position to give them answers and teach them when there are books written by white "shamans" "gurus" "voodoo priests" etc? It's not like those books are ever going to tell them lies, right? /sarcasm

Committing to a closed practice requires too much... well... commitment, for these people. The idea of reaching out to a person that can actually teach them, initiate them (if required), etc... The process of it all... Too much for them, somehow. And even if it's something that requires a little more than teaching and initiations, they still don't wanna hear it.

[evil-ontheinside]

I have the feeling that Mike would lose all respect for Eddie if he sees him together with Steve. He sees Eddie pathetically flirting with an oblivious Steve and pulls a face, then goes to complain to Will about why Eddie has to have a crush on Steve. Will gets nervous bc fuck Mike is homophobic? but Mike just tells him about That Night (the one before 'human anatomy?') and that Eddie can't be cool anymore when he likes Steve who lost any chances of being genuinely respected by Mike. And now that Eddie has a crush/is dating Steve, all illusions of Eddie's charm are lost forever (this might also lead to Will coming out to Mike when he realizes that he wouldn't hate him and perhaps Mike coming out and love confessions and-)

So, whenever Steddie do something in front of the Party Mike has his look of irritation on his face and Eddie thinks he misjudged Mike when he notices bc Mike might be a little homophobic? Which doesn't fit into the whole dynamic he has going with Will but who knows. So Eddie asks him (in front of everyone bc he's not above outing a homophobe to their very accepting friend group) and Mike pulls that face again and just seconds before he opens his mouth Eddie recognizes it as regret and realizes Mike Wheeler is a little piece of shit. "I just can't believe I thought you were cool once" and Will (who now that he heard the story would give a lot to have seen that firsthand) starts to laugh while Eddie fully realizes that he lost any cool points he ever had with Mike

In the beginning, Eddie is so confused bc this child used to admire him, listen to everything he had to say, worship the ground he walks on and now he's dragging him every chance he gets. When Eddie asks why Mike suddenly lost all interest in him Will whispers 'it's the Harrington effect', Mike just nods and that's the only answer he gets

Mike becomes just as snarky and annoying with Eddie as he is with everyone else. And every time Mike gives him that look that says 'you're as dumb as a rock Eddie how do you not know this' Eddie is incredibly close to strangling him but also kind of happy that Mike finally is himself around him and not the blind puppy he was before

Eddie is also reluctantly impressed (reluctant bc now he can't give Mike the satisfaction of being impressed, not when he's such a brat) with Mike's problem-solving bc we know it's Mike who usually figures everything out. At least now he knows why Mike was such a good strategist during their campaign

Steve gives him a pat on the back in a moment of despair and says that it's probably his fault. Hopper chimes in that Mike is allergic to any kind of father/authority figure and that, now that he has parent status in the Party, it's just a natural development. Eddie has a whole new crisis that he's now some kind of father figure to the kids

[tofupixel]

i feel like my anxiety is at an all time high lately. twitter and instagram have well and truly gone down the toilet for me, and i see it in my impressions and activity. i dont get any DMs any more for work, though my commissions are closed, i used to still get DMs anyway.

and i know that i am still like one of the luckiest artists with the biggest platforms (maybe not here but u know) so others probably are having a worse time. im not trying to be doomer but idk if there is something im missing, some new meta to getting your work out there that im not getting.

i absolutely refuse to pay for twitter blue or meta premium or wtf ever they call it, and it leaves such a bad taste in my mouth they expect people to pay when they are making the service fucking worse. but idk if that is the only option any more or what

or if visual art that isnt in a timelapse or cute erase your sketch to reveal the final is just going obsolete as every website slowly becomes tiktok

i actually have work so im very lucky and able to support myself but i still see what is happening and it makes me worried for artists

i know its not just me seeing things but what can we do even.

i know i keep bleating about it but i made an art server called cafe dot and its one of the only safe havens that feel good to post in with a good community. tumblr comes second and twitter/insta are somewhere 6 feet underground

anyway i am just typing with my brain off now so whatever i just had to get it out of my system YEEHa

[saydesole]

Journaling

Write down those thoughts 🤎

Record your thoughts 🫶🏽

[stars-tonight]

rating haikyū!! characters based on how much I'd like to date them

slowly starting to realize that I'm the problem. . .

hinata shōyō: 5/10

I'm like 5'3 which is SHORTER than hinata so ig it could serve as an ego boost for him

no but how would we ever reach anything on the top shelf 😭

although I guess he could just jump for it??

very high-energy all the time and I honestly don't think I'd be able to keep up with him

kageyama tobio: 8/10

jeez idk on this one

we'd either get along really well or he'd hate my guts

like hey, you're socially awkward, I'm socially anxious

he's too good at volleyball and it'd make me feel inferior

if he's not motivated to learn English idk how this is gonna work

running around in the snow and throwing snowballs at each other 🥺

tsukishima kei: 8/10

I feel like hanging mirrors would be a big problem

he's a whole foot taller than me

I like the low energy vibes and the appreciation for music though

like imagine walks together where we share playlists with each other??

hopefully his saltiness and intelligence can rub off on me

nishinoya yū: 4.5/10

he's shorter than me help 😭

the top shelf would never get used

a little too energetic for me

although I would LOVE to learn the Rolling Thunder

he's kind of a wanderer and I think I’d prefer stability especially later in life

probably would not work out

sugawara kōshi: 8/10

baking dates??

I feel like he'd be so sweet and attentive as a partner

a bit of a troll which I need in my life

hopefully he doesn't lecture me cause I'm a sensitive little sh--

oikawa tōru: 10/10

I'll let myself be self-indulgent here because I love him too much

I just want to hug him and tell him he's worked hard and he's done so well

I have trouble with words but I feel like with him they'd just flow so easily

vulnerability is beautiful and I'd be so honored if he could be himself around me

amusement park dates!! I feel like he’d pretend to be all cool but shriek so loud when we get to the top

kozume kenma: 9/10

we're both extra introverted so I feel like we could just hang out in his room while he plays games and I read and be perfectly content

writing love notes and leaving them for each other throughout the house 🥺

hear me out, escape room dates??

but also how would either of us be able to get along in society

we'd stay up until 5 am together 😭

on second thought maybe we're a little TOO similar for a romantic relationship. . .

kuroo tetsurō: 8/10

also almost too tall

can he tutor me in chemistry 😭

I know he likes dogs but I’m dragging him with me to cat cafes

ushijima wakatoshi: 7.5/10

also really tall

I'm lowkey scared of him

I feel like he'd be a really traditional and calm partner, both qualities that I appreciate

I think he's like formal but also private when it comes to dates

I just feel like I'd always have to take the initiative and honestly I get really lazy and shouldn't be trusted to plan anything so maybe we just wouldn't end up going on any dates lmao

probably wouldn't work out if I'm gonna be honest

akaashi keiji: 10/10

this guy is boyfriend material

he can memorize all 37 of my weaknesses

I don’t think I have to explain why this guy would be great as a partner

book store dates!!

bokuto kōtarō: 5/10

also too energetic for me

bokuto deserves someone patient and cheerful and I am neither

I'm pretty stoic and have an RBF so if he's in emo mode idk how I'd be able to cheer him up

but I think life would never be boring with him around

miya atsumu: 7.5/10

I like atsumu well enough but I'm honestly super neutral about dating him

like I feel like it could work but there's also people I’d click with more

idk there's really no thoughts in my brain when I think about him in a romantic way

miya osamu: 7/10

I'm a REALLY picky eater so I could never go on food dates or help him with his restaurant

although he IS a little calmer than his brother

also like atsumu, someone that I never thought about dating

suna rintarō: 8.5/10

I think he’s a good height (in between ‘the high shelf would never be used’ and ‘the mirror is problematic’)

he's a phone addict, I'm a phone addict, we'd get along splendidly

I feel like a relationship with him would be pretty chill and lowkey

I don't do well with fancy and formal so that's perfect

late-night stargazing 🥺

kita shinsuke: 7/10

dude I'd be lowkey scared of him

he's just so productive?? and structured in his daily life

like I wish I was that organized but no I'll be staying up until 4 or 5 am on school nights just wasting my life away

I'm too much of a wreck for him

kita deserves better ☠️

sakusa kiyoomi 7.5/10

hmm

I'm a clean freak about some things but also horrendously messy about others so I don't even think he'd like me

isn't he also really tall

why does he not feel tall 😭

like with tsukishima and kuroo you FEEL like they're tall while with suna and sakusa you just know they're tall because the wiki tells you

in my mind sakusa is like 5'9 lmao

hoshiumi kōrai: 7/10

same deal as with hinata and nishinoya

he's a little too short for us to live a practical life

no thoughts about him romantically either

hirugami sachirō: 7.5/10

unfortunately I don't know much about him

but he's going to be a vet!! and I love animals

we will definitely raise cats

[the-things-i-think-about]

Am I the only one that feels an unholy amount of glee every time I see a Robin on screen and they're wearing pants?

[ssukaed]

six with earmuffs is the one thing i need right now

[blueblurseptember]

man, you ever just reread svsss and realize that shen yuan is straight up as obsessed with luo binghe as binghe is with him? these bitches gay, good for them good for them

[delatoid]

NICHIJOU GIRL IN BRAIN DUMP???? O_O

[evil-ontheinside]

After Ted and Karen get divorced the Wheelers get a cat. He has a totally normal and respectable name at the beginning but after a week the kids start to call him Teddy in remembrance of their dad ("he's not dead, why are you like this?")

Mike starts to tell him what a great dad he is whenever Karen is around. He gets especially dramatic about it when she has a bad day. She's not sure if she should reprimand him or laugh.

She cracks when one morning she finds the normal cat bowl replaced with one that says 'best dad ever'. (Mike also gets her a cup with the same on it bc she's been parenting them alone the whole time, she deserves both titles)

Will is a little worried about Mike at first bc he still remembers how it was with his dad and Mike's been a little quiet ever since but then he sees him make a father's day present for the cat and decides he's gonna be alright

Dustin is always overly polite to 'Mr. Wheeler' whenever he's around and tells him how much he respects and appreciates him and all the work he does around the house

Ted doesn't know any of this but Mike slips up one time and calls the cat dad while he and Holly are over for the mandatory visits. Ted doesn't get it but Holly can't stop giggling for the rest of the time and Mike makes sure to make little 'mistakes' like that around Ted to see how much he can get away with. Ted never gets it but Holly is lying on the floor laughing as soon as they get home. Karen is suspicious but the two refuse to tell her what's so funny

Nancy doesn't seem too invested in the whole thing at first but then she replaces Ted's face in the family picture with Teddy's (it took her and Jonathan hours to take the perfect picture so it would fit but it was worth it). Karen didn't notice at first and then has to awkwardly explain the situation to Mrs. Sinclair when she comes over for coffee. Mike loses it every time he walks past the picture

[callsignfangs]

The 141 boys as widowers. (bc i feel like torturing myself /j)

141 x late (implied) spouse! reader

cws: grief, mentions of loss, implied alcoholism/alcohol as a coping mechanism, mentions self-destructive behaviour, very brief mention of addiction, etc (Please lmk if I've missed anything!)

(Note: This little drabble is a little self indulgent, a bit about my own journey with grief. Each little 'story' thing does end with acceptance. Please don't read if you're not in the right headspace, and remember that you're loved and you're not alone, and make sure to reach out if you need help <3)

--

Price is the one inclined to bargaining. Maybe he could've done something - what if he'd taken a bit more time off work, what if he spent more time with you, what if he'd agreed to retire early with you, what if he was there? Ironically enough - he just ends up drowning himself in more work, probably turns to smoking or alcohol in an attempt to drown everything out.

141, Gaz and Soap especially, will definitely be the only thing he holds on for. As capable as they all are, he couldn't just up and leave his boys without a captain - he couldn't make the same mistake over again, they gave him something to care for, to nurture and to look after.

I don't think he'll ever marry again - just making half-hearted attempts to peek into the dating scene whenever leave got especially lonely. He'd never be able to find anyone quite like you, so he eventually stopped bothering with it, finding warmth and comfort in himself and the other people he loved.

He keeps a photo of you, one of your handwritten notes, and any little trinket you'd given him at all times. Saved every single snippet of you talking he could - even still paying off your phone bill occasionally ringing your phone to hear your voicemail message, maybe sending you texts when things got especially hard. Definitely does chores the exact way you always did - from the time you went out to shop in the morning to how you stacked dishes. Loves hot showers but still takes a lukewarm one each morning because your habit of taking cold showers meant the water was never hot enough for him. I think he probably adopts something after the rough edges of the hole you'd left in his heart smoothed over.

It wasn't intentional in the slightest - maybe a stray cat had clung to his pant leg while he was on a hike or the task force managed to pick up an orphaned little kid on one of their excursions. He's very hesitant with them, still not quite trusting himself with caring for another being. But he warms up to them eventually. No matter human or animal, they've definitely been brought to your gravesite once or twice.

Maybe it would be alright, eventually. He'd at least have something interesting to entertain you with the next life he found you.

--

Soap is definitely in denial. Convinces himself it's a mistake - that when deployment's finally over, he'll trudge home, kick off his boots, and be met by his sweet love, bouncing at his heels like an overeager puppy and lathering his face in flittering little kisses. He still avoids coming home like the plague - resorts to anything from taking on way too many missions, to picking up another job on the side, even to staying in hotels as if he was in some sort of covert op.

He'd be forced to go back to your house eventually, though. Not home, it wasn't home without you there. Just the same four walls and roof he camped out in on deployment. Nothing warm or special about it.

He still pretended, though. Made your bed every morning the way you liked it and prepared meals for two every day.

While Price and Ghost undoubtedly pulled him out of his slump, Gaz was the person who really started him on the road to acceptance. Having the boys over near constantly was soothing, giving him something to occupy his mind with and overshadowing the cold emptiness of the house. The occasional cuddle piles and game nights reminded him of the warmth of their bond - like the nights they spent on stakeouts, letting their own sweet joy shield them from the brutal realities of their situation.

Gaz was the first person he cried to. Soap couldn't bear the way his buzzed sides were starting to fluff out, but he'd slowly gotten used to letting your gentle hands preen him and tidy him up. Of course, Gaz had noticed, and of course, he'd insisted that Soap just had to let him have a go at doing up someone else's hair. Soap didn't know when he'd devolved into tears - somewhere between the first gentle touch he'd felt in weeks and the crippling realisation that you'd never be there to do it again.

Either way, he'd managed to cry himself to sleep in Gaz's arms that night. He continued to sob himself away for weeks, filling each day with tears.

Until each day turned into each few.

And each few turned into once a week.

And slowly, his tears dried up.

It was an arduous process, grieving. But he stubbornly forced through it, just as he'd forced his way into your heart.

And he did his very best not to change. He determinedly kept the mohawk - even used the same shampoo because it made his hair feel perfectly fluffy under your touch. He did his best to continue being his perky, bubbly self, because he knew how you practically basked in his energy.

However, he still let himself grow, let his hawk grow out so he could braid it the way he'd always considered, and he let himself have his bad days, didn't force himself to keep up his energy when he didn't really have enough.

Admittedly, though, he never married again. He found temporary enjoyment in little flings, though he let them pass when the time was right. No matter what, he always came back to your house.

Sure, it wasn't quite home without you there. But you'd been there - no matter how little the time you'd had together felt in hindsight - so maybe he could learn to make it home again. For you.

--

Gaz is angry - furious to the point of enraged tears. If it was him? He'd understand. He'd hurt people, torn apart lives and taken his fair share of them. He deserved it. But you? It wasn't fair. In his eyes, you couldn't possibly hurt a fly, so delicate and tender and so, so soft. It just wasn't fair.

His attempt at coping is to delve headfirst into a tedious slew of missions - one after another after another. It gives him something to dump all his blind rage and hurt and desperation into. His morals were a writhing, flailing, unrecognisable mess for a long time, and the best comfort he could find was in the chaotic monotony of work.

So what if he burned everything in his path to ash? At least the threat was dealt with.

Price and Ghost are the most essential to his recovery. He needs guidance, needs some sort of structure, and needs to relinquish the tight hold on his need to be good, to fix things, to help, to finally restore what he was so reliant on, even if that meant tearing himself to shreds in the process. What he needs is time to grieve, time to come to terms with the unforgiving reality - that it just happened. No-one did anything wrong, there was no violence or intent, it just happened.

He'll absolutely come to deeply regret everything he did in his grief-induced warpath, but eventually accept that he was hurt and lost and just needed the help - the intervention.

Like Price, I think he might attempt to put himself out there and find someone new every once in a while, maybe even builds up to a couple dates, but he never really finds interest in anyone. He definitely remains friends with many of the people he meets, but he just can't quite find a spark - mainly because they're not you.

He never throws out anything of yours, his wardrobe is still mostly full of random articles of your clothing, and the third drawer on the nightstand is still yours.

He always wears something of yours when he goes out, from shirts and shorts to hoodies, even some of your jewelry.

Despite it being admittedly pretty late, he finally watches all of the shows you liked and reads all the books you did. It makes him feel closer to you - cuddling up under your favourite blanket in your favourite spot and picturing you being there with him, imagining each and every one of your reactions, practically seeing your lovely face curl with smiles as you commentated over the whole thing.

Sure, you weren't really there with him anymore, but the sweet, warm mark you'd left on his heart was enough to carry him over until he inevitably returned to you.

--

Ghost is mostly depressed. He's so agonisingly hurt and lost, but you were his sun - what gave him life and love, and without you? He just couldn't muster up the energy to do anything beyond simply existing. Even he'd expected himself to crash and burn - follow in his brother's footsteps and drown in a spiral of addiction. But he just... Didn't. The affirmation that he didn't blow up and take everyone he loved down with him would be reassuring, comforting, but it wasn't. Not without you whispering praise in his ear, assuring him of his goodness and softness.

I think he'd also be reliant on Soap and Gaz, but Price would be a surprisingly big factor as well. No-one could ever really replicate the effect you had on him, the way your encouragement kept him going, but having some amount of structure, of motivation? It helped. Despite that, he absolutely tried to push them out at first, convinced that the acrid shadow of death looming over his shoulder would eventually take them as well. What are task force 141 if not determined and unfathomably stubborn, though, especially when it came to caring for their own.

Soap undoubtedly led the charge - seeing as his ceaseless energy and affection were mildly more normal (god knows Simon needed a little bit of comforting normalcy). Gaz came second, still snarky and headstrong as ever, but with softened edges and an air of gentle care. Price was last. He'd been there before Simon was Ghost, he was aware enough to piece bits of his past together - and he'd be damned if he managed to scare Simon, if he was the reason he regressed further. So he was tender. Delicate, even. Ghost would despise being handled like fragile porcelain in Price's kid gloves, but it soothed a part of Simon that hadn't peeked out since you left.

It'll take a bit longer than the others - more therapy, reassurance and care, but he'll recover eventually, let the wound you left in his porous heart scar over and go on as best he could.

I don't think he'll look for romance again either - his interest in it just died out alongside you. He wants to preserve the sanctity and tenderness of what you had, and is more than content with holding that love in his heart, and keeping it safe for you until he meets you again.

After you're gone, he attempts to follow your advice more, occasionally dragging himself out of his comfort zone, picking up new hobbies and trying to emulate your passion for life in himself, keeping a little bit of you alive with him. He absolutely douses the house in your favourite fragrance, refuses to use any hygiene products other than yours and carries something of yours everywhere, whether it be your ring or even your purse, just something to remind him he had to look after things (including himself) for you.

Even if you were cremated or buried in some other way, he'd ensure there was a gravestone for you placed alongside his mother, Tommy, Beth and little Joseph. You'd always be part of his family - his heart, and when his time came? He'd be buried alongside you, trailing along with you into whatever came next. By your side forever.

<3

Yippee. This was. A journey. /lh

Sorry if this isn't formatted the best, it was more of a massive brain dump that I forcibly shoved into something just about understandable lol

If you're seeing this, tyvm for reading mwah 😚😚

[ifiwere-idbe]

Yaz’s Representation Was Kind of Amazing

There’s a common assumption among non-queer folks that I’ve seen that queer people should essentially always know what their sexuality is/if you were ever unsure, your identity is somehow a little less valid. But that’s just not true. Whether you realized you were gay when you were 9 or 90, your identity is valid.

The debate over whether Yaz was always written to be queer is something only the writers can answer. But is it an answer we really need? What we know is that Yaz was incredibly focused on tackling sexist and racist barriers in her career - a career she pursued to help others fight back against their bullies. Romance was not a priority for her (something refreshing to see), so I would guess she also wasn’t fretting too much about WHO she wanted to be romantic with. 

Now, writers can sometimes fall into a trap when they write women who aren’t focused on love: they write cold, closed off women who refuse to be emotionally vulnerable. This is my favorite thing about Yaz - she LOVED. She was vulnerable, and compassionate, and affectionate. It was just that romance was never forced on her.

A sexuality was never forced on her either.

Some folks interpreted her mom asking if Yaz and Thirteen were seeing each other as a nosey parent, or a joke from the writers. I heard that line - followed later by Yaz’s mom asking the same thing about Ryan - as a beautiful normalization of NOT assuming heterosexuality. Each time her mom asked, Yaz responded with “We’re friends,” not “I’m not [gay, straight, whatever]!” This not only left her sexuality open for exploration, it also drove home the point that this wasn’t something she was caring about.

Throughout series 11 and 12 (some of 13) Mandip captured all of this beautifully. From my deep-dives, there seems to be confusion about when Thasmin was planned/when Mandip knew. I kind of like that. And I kind of like that it didn’t seem to matter to Mandip. She just played to that genuine love. So when her admission with Dan finally came, I thought it was a lovely moment of acknowledgement. Some people don’t know, or don’t think about romance/sexuality/gender until it comes along. And that moment can be shocking, and scary, and absolutely beautiful. I thought Mandip depicted that really well.

All this to say, I’m not mad that Yaz wasn’t rocking a lesbian pride shirt from day one. I’m not frustrated that Mandip says she didn’t really know how Yaz felt until she read it on the page. I love that Yaz loved Thirteen. I love that Yaz never had to defend her sexuality to anyone, including her mom. I love that Yaz was just - Yaz... focused, affectionate, open-hearted, WOC(!!!!) Yaz.

I say all of this as a lesbian hungry for good representation. 

I’m totally open to dialogue on this perspective so long as it is kind and respectful.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

SHADOW THE SERIES!!

ALRIGHT Y’ALL I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY BINGED ALL SEVEN EPISODES OF SHADOW (2023) THAT HAVE CURRENTLY BEEN RELEASED AND MY BRAIN IS GOING A MILE A FUCKING MINUTE. I HAVE ABOUT 25 THEORIES ALL BOUNCING AROUND IN HERE, ALL OF WHICH ARE PROBABLY WRONG. 

Thank God for @so-much-yet-to-learn deciding not to watch this, meaning he can’t be spoiled and I can spam his DMs with all the twists, and turns.

I literally do not think at this point, even seven episodes in I can really write analysis of the show. I’m almost certainly going to rewatch this, and maybe that will inspire conversations around lighting, and blocking, and use of reflection but for now, I am just going to talk about some of the things I have been noticing and some paths I see those threads taking. 

First of all, in a ghost story, I do not think that I am actually putting too much weight on the use of Hamlet as a play in this story. However, I will admit upfront that I am very potentially putting too much weight on the Greek mythology (River Styx, and Orpheus and Eurydice) that were referenced in, I think like…episode 1 or 2. 

gif by @pharawee

But, what can you expect when some of the first supernatural happenings we get is Dan waking up on a boat in the middle of a body of water (River Styx)? This does not hold consistently, but there is a trend I have been noticing, of following. It has been making me think of Orpheus and Eurydice, that Orpheus is supposed to guide his lover out of the underworld, and back to the land of the living, but he cannot turn to look behind him. He has to trust that Eurydice is there, following behind him. 

And I have been noticing some point in the show where following behind and not turning back to look have been particularly relevant. In Episode 6, Dan sees a reflection of Trin in the bathroom mirror. Trin is technically behind Dan, but the second that Dan turns to look? Trin is gone. When Dan looks away, he sees a reflection in the mirror of Trin leaving the bathroom, and he follows behind Trin all the way to the funhouse. 

This scene had some particularly striking and beautiful uses of mirrors and reflections. Namely that we see Trin, walking, and Dan following far behind in a number of mirrors. But every time a mirror appears Dan stops for a moment to look at himself. At this point, Trin has continued moving (in fact Trin never stops moving) and we see Dan completely alone in the mirror. What does this have to do with anything? What is the show trying to say about what purpose Trin, the shadow, the visions Dan have serve? Not sure yet! But it’s fucking fascinating. 

Hamlet, of course, is an obvious choice of story for a boy that can see ghosts, especially because Dan sees the ghost of his father at some point(s) in the show. Especially because there is a recurring theme/motif of drowning in this show. We have multiple boys who are haunted, both Dan and Nai being able to see ghosts, we have Dan who harbors anger in his heart for the way his father abused the family, we have a boy who went missing, last seen by the lake and whose ghost consistently appears waterlogged. We have a shadow that grabs Dan by the ankle and tries to keep him below water, we have a moment where Dan sees Trin’s lifeless body floating in a pool. Where are they going with this? I don’t know! And I want to find out. 

photo from @sparklyeyedhimbo

I have thoughts about water and it’s relation to baptism, that these boys are attending a Catholic school, that Dan is constantly pushing back against the way the school functions and the beliefs that Brother Anurak holds. I am so fascinated by the fact that Catholic priest Brother Anurak cannot confirm the existence of spirits, (when Dan has been haunted by this shadow for almost a decade of his life), and that he turns to Buddhism, and a venerable monk to help him navigate the moments where he slips between reality and dreams. 

I am fascinated by the fact that the Shadow we see gets progressively less scary, at least to me, as time goes on. This is an entity that has been following Dan from the time he was seven. When he was a child, at his mother’s funeral he called this Shadow his friend when he was talking to Brother Anurak.  

This may seem tangential, but, about a year or two ago, I played a little indie video came called Gone Home. The premise is that you arrive back to your childhood home, unannounced only to find that no one in your family is home, they have vanished without a trace, and all that remains are these letters your sister left. When I started playing this game, I was tense, I thought perhaps the house was haunted, perhaps my family had been killed and a murderer was about to pop out from around a corner. But as the story unfolds, as you read more letters from your sister, you realize that she’s queer, she’s telling you a story of why she has left, she has gone to reunite with her girlfriend. And I cannot explain the level of safety and comfort that washed over me the second I realized this was a queer story. 

In some ways that is what this Shadow feels like to me. At first it is scary, it is set up to be, it creeps up, background music builds tension, creates jumpscares of sorts, the shadow is what keeps nearly drowning Dan. But as the episodes continue, the shadow doesn’t do that anymore, Dan turns around and hugs the Shadow, and it takes him to his father (who is a massive fucking asshole to be fair).

gif by @pharawee

In Episode 6 or 7, Dan is dreaming of one of the few peaceful and happy memories he has of childhood, and the Shadow rests it’s incorporeal hands on his shoulders, almost familiar and comforting, and Dan talks to it. Dan asks it if he can stay there a little longer, and the Shadow lets him. And for me this begs the question, what is the Shadow? Is the Shadow one entity, or multiple? Are the different interactions with the Shadow meant to signify Dan is interacting with multiple different people? Is the Shadow a spirit, or a manifestation of something else: grief, anger, pain? Did Dan die/is Dan dead?

We see two instances of almost sexual acts performed by the Shadow on Dan. Once happens in a dream, and within the dream Dan is conscious. But he wakes up the next morning wet and covered in scratch marks. The second time, Dan is unconscious, but the Shadow appears in the real world, not the dream world (as far as we can tell) and starts pulling up Dan’s shirt, leans in close, so that they are almost mouth to Shadow…mouth? Both times, there is some form of pleasure on Dan’s face, but both times Dan is technically unconscious, and not really able to give consent. 

Is Dan supposed to be enjoying these moments? If so, are they coming from a lover of his, either one from the past or are we perpetuating circles of time where Dan is retroactively being haunted by someone he loves and loses in the future? I don’t know about you all, and personally I don’t want every story that involved Catholicism to focus on the known history of pedophilia within the Catholic church, but…

gif from @pharawee

Dan has been seeing the Shadow since after he was shot accidentally by his mother and she had a mental breakdown, but this is around the same time that Brother Anurak, Catholic Priest, Brother Anurak enters the picture. And Dan says that the Shadow has been getting stronger since he started at this boarding school where Brother Anurak is a teacher. Could the Shadow be a metaphor for childhood sexual assault trauma that Dan cannot remember, or does not want to face? Possibly. Brother Anurak has seemed a little bit suspicious in the show thus far, (not wholly in the like, “possibly a pedophile” way to be clear, just in the “this dude almost certainly knows more about this student’s disappearance than he is letting on” kind of way). 

Then again, according to the precisely thirty seconds of google searching on name meanings I did, Anurak as a name apparently means “the one who takes care” or “male angel”. I would love someone who is not me and has an actual understanding of the Thai language to correct me if I am wrong. (@recentadultburnout or @lurkingteapot are either of you watching this show? If so, would you be willing to discuss name meanings for Shadow the series? Obviously, no pressure or obligation). 

ANYWAY, the Shadow does not really seem like all too much of an antagonistic force at this point, more of a neutral or potentially positive force, so again, I have 25 different theories that are all possibly wrong, and this is one of them. 

Other theories about the Shadow: Dan started seeing it after almost dying of a gunshot wound, it’s just like the manifestation of death and Dan has been running from it for awhile, it is a manifestation of the people Dan cares about in his life, it is actively trying to possess Dan and keeps getting interrupted, it is a spiritual guide that is supposed to lead Dan towards helping other spirits find justice and peace. It’s a physical manifestation of queerness. Like seriously, I could probably go on all day. 

And actually, queerness is something I do want to talk about while I am here. Because this show is certainly not shying away from homophobia.

gif by @pharawee

Nai has suffered for revealing his crush on Anan the previous year, he is still suffering for it. It did not escape my notice that the only known queer kid at an all-boys Catholic boarding school does not have a roommate. Nai is pretty much always alone, until Dan shows up, and Nai is warned by his teacher to stay away from Dan to make sure “Dan stays out of trouble”. Ever time that Dan and Nai are seen walking together, touch each other casually, exit a room together, they are called a slur. Nai tries to tell Dan to stay away from him so that Dan isn’t condemning himself to the life of a social pariah. We get one good Token Straight Friend in Josh. We learn that Trin was queer, and Trin was friends with Nai, and now Trin has disappeared. 

The queer kid(s) or the kids associated with the queer kid are the only people getting beaten up at this school, and the actor that plays dickbag Anan is truly committing to the bit, because the (fake) punches he delivers look like they got some force to them. 

I was actually just chatting with @so-much-yet-to-learn and as I was writing out the sentence “what if the Shadow is a physical manifestation of queerness?” he wrote “ooh, so Nai sees them as human figures whereas Dan sees his as a shadow commentary on how aware they are of their sexuality, maybe?” Dan does see Trin in full form, so I am not sure how much this does track, but it is at least worth acknowledging that Nai is aware of his queerness, has been outed, is The Known Queer at school, and has a very visibly obvious crush on Dan. Meanwhile, Dan reads queer (to me), some of the things he says, the way he laughed at Josh asking him if he liked Cha-aim, the fact that he sticks with Nai, make me think he is aware of his queerness. But, we as the audience have not actually gotten any explicit confirmation that Dan is queer or aware of his queerness. 

photo from @blmpff

However, it is worth noting the physical ghost that Dan is able to see is Trin, another queer boy, (who everyone at school knew was queer because they knew he had a crush on his male theater teacher) and then some random boy that we have never seen before that he, once again, only sees in a mirror. But in Episode 7, Dan has lost this grounding stone, and the line between reality and dreams is constantly blurring. In Episode 7, Dan dreams of a near empty place, the only thing on the floor are drawings of a boxer, a naval ship, a sailor. He sees a man with one arm missing, the remainder of the limb bandaged and bleeding, he sees a man (again, only from behind) handcuffed to a table, behind bars, reading a letter by candlelight, he sees a man tied to a post, blindfolded and about to be executed, once again facing away, back turned to a firing squad. 

Dan finds out like, practically the next day about the local legend of the One Armed Man, who was a boxer, joined the navy, lost his arm, sold himself to homosexual millionaires, and got arrested for selling drugs to party goers who ended up dying of drug overdoses. You know who else has currently been associated with a narcotics related drug overdose?

Trin. 

The missing, queer boy who was trying to break tradition, and bring progress to his school. 

Trin, the missing queer boy who has hallucinations. Hallucinations like… 

Dead bodies. 

You know who else saw dead bodies in the most recent episodes?

Dan. 

photos from @sparklyeyedhimbo

I don’t know where I am going with this beyond the fact that Trin is established to have bipolar disorder, for which was on medication. In flashback he is shown stating that he wants to get off his medication, we are told in the present that he had stopped taking his medication, and that instead he was treating his bipolar with narcotics, and that he had smoked week the night of his disappearance. It is at this point I would like to say, this show would be absolutely fucking based if they actually gave Trin bipolar disorder, and then had the adults that are suspicious and clearly hiding something, weaponize the stigma against his mental health disorder to try to discredit whatever Trin was trying to do, as well as distance themselves from any potential suspicion around their level of involvement in Trin’s disappearance. (This is not to say this is behavior I support irl, it is to say that it would be excellent commentary around how someone’s mental health can be weaponized against them in truly terrible ways)

So by my count we have two instances of drug overdose mentions from two separate people and stories (Trin’s disappearance and the One Armed Man), and two instances of “hallucinations” of seeing dead people (Trin’s vision he discusses in an audio recording and Dan’s vision in art class). These are not enough data points to say they are definitively doing something with this, but it is just something I am noting. 

Another theory that @so-much-yet-to-learn floated in conversation with me was the idea that the boys that were being haunted were ones who were breaking the status quo in some way. Trin was trying to do away with hazing at school and was called in to the administrator’s office multiple times and told to change his student president campaign policies, Nai is currently the only known queer at school, and Dan does not engage in anything even resembling filial piety. (Again, his dad is a Grade A Major Fucking Asshole).

photos from @sparklyeyedhimbo

Where am I going with this? I don’t know! Maybe nowhere! Again, my brain is going BRRRRRRR and I am just rapidly cycling through a thousand unformed theories. God, I just want to know what happened, I want to know what everyone knows, I want to know what the fuck is up with Anan and the teacher he is fucking and their involvement in all of this, I wanna know why the fuck he is as reactive as he is (like he literally almost strangled Dan to the point of unconsciousness at the end of Episode 7), Anan and HIS TEACHER keep making references to Trin, to “the nurses other daughter”, throwing suspicion on Dan about knowing about them. I want to know how they are involved in all of this. 

I JUST WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS HAPPENING, I CAN SEE A MILLION DIFFERENT OUTCOMES, I AM HAVING A GREAT TIME AND I FUCKING HOPE THIS SHOW CAN STICK THE LANDING BECAUSE I AM ENJOYING IT SO MUCH.