apinchoflittleboo

[apinchoflittleboo]

Remember that time when we all had a job that also provided for each other? Where some were the protectors and others were cooks, but we all did it together. Where we provided for each other and took care of each other and cared for each other. I like knowing that’s actually what humans crave. The feeling of being, without needing to be more than what you are/feel/do at that moment. The feeling of togetherness without the need for entertainment, because being together is entertaining enough. The feeling of belonging because everyone has a purpose, even if that is just being you - making others smile because you laugh so beautifully, cuddling up against someone because you just feel like that’s what you want to do. I feel hope knowing, that’s actually what fills our emotional connection with each other, what makes us feel harmony within ourselves and with others, and isn’t that actually the true purpose of life? Feeling and sharing love. I feel hope because I believe that somewhere, somehow we haven’t forgotten and even though a lot of us feel so far removed from this, our body’s, our souls, our hearts, still know that is what we want and at one point we���ll come back to it.

[apinchoflittleboo]

I want to feel as beautiful as the hoar frost on a cold Winter morning.

I want to shine like the brightest star on the darkest night.

Feel the colors of the aurora borealis, like it’s bursting from my skin.

And maybe

Maybe when I feel so beautiful on the outside

I can also feel it within.

[apinchoflittleboo]

Take me forever or just for tonight

But hold me and love me like the sun loves the sky

Like the stars are connected to the moon and to me

Please hold me forever so I can be free.

[apinchoflittleboo]

New Year's bestest ideas

I had the bestest idea for this first day of the New Year 2025. Starting strong with a blog. Not too depressing, but real and authentic too. Then WordPress happened. Years ago WordPress was soooooo easy to use, but a few years ago they changed and changed and changed everything about how you could manipulate every little aspect of your website and now it feels like I need to speak a whole new language to understand WordPress enough to even add a NAVIGATION MENU! So. I dropped that idea after researching 'wordpress is fucked' and 'how to use wordpress' and 'wordpress changed EVERYTHING' and not finding any answers. I've looked around some to see if it'd would be better to share my messages on a different website, but stuff like Substack is a little too in your face for the content I'm probably sharing, though a private diary-like website also isn't what I'm looking for. Blugh, this feels like a very lifelike example of what my life usually feels like; nothing fits like it should. I started typing this message in WordPress, deciding I wouldn't use a menu then, when I remembered I created a Tumblr account some odd months ago. Somehow this medium seems to fit in my mind, so yeey!

On to more depressing matters! Last night's counting down was done without me participating. I was brushing my teeth, getting ready for bed and I was thoroughly feeling the loneliness of it all. I even shed something that resembled a tear. Yes, it is my own decision to stay home with my cat so she isn't scared to death when the fireworks light up the night like a very big Christmas tree, but I still felt it. The weight. The emptiness. I also felt how, as a reaction, I didn't want anything to do with the switch to 2025 or a living soul at all, aside from said cat. I ignored the messages people send me and though I did send out messages to them later, I still felt this heavy weighing empty feeling in my body while typing. Do I want to feel like that? Noop. Do I want to feel differently? Do I want to use energy in changing my behavior so I'll feel different? Also noop.

Not right now. Sometimes I'm wondering if this is depression. From what I heard around me, depression is when you can't get out of bed and can't feel like doing anything, don't enjoy anything etc. But where's the nuance? What if you're so used to pushing yourself to at least do the bare minimum (get out of bed, have at least something resembling of hygiene, cooking that's at least a bit healthy, house chores because you need clothes and clean dishes, etc.) and give your all whenever you're 1. with friends and family; 2. showing up for exercizing (sometimes); 3. therapy, that it looks like your functioning. But when you're alone, or when life's too busy (like around the holidays), it's all just too much. You're hanging on, always tired, always walking on the last of your toes, and yes you laugh (because I have humor) and yes you do stuff (because I don't want to feel bored ALL the time) and yes you try and try and try ...

Does that mean then that you're not depressed? Does it even matter if I am or am not? Sometimes it feels like no matter what I try to do, it never matters. This is it. It has already been like this for a very long time and admittedly, there's been better times, but were they truly better? Or was my focus occupied with (new) people and ... stuff?

OMG, this is so depressing. But I promised to give myself a platform for the real things I'm feeling and the accompanied thoughts. Feeling like this, feeling so sad and like life's just useless, is something I've carried with me for a very long time but I'm also very used to not wanting to feel like that, overwriting it with positivity, focussing on nice, good, and grateful. Not wanting to bore and bother, and somehow, I still am. I need a platform where I can be my sad, lonely self, unapologetically - not for a response, but for me.

I do have one good idea though! Stolen from @jigme_pheuntshok from Instagram (who probably stole it too), but they shared the following: "This January start the year with an empty jar. Every week you add a note with a good thing that happened. On New Year's Eve empty the jar and read about the amazing year you had." I'm notoriously bad with stuff like this; forgetting to add to it after even one week, or feeling so shitty that I'm like a petulant child refusing to add to the jar, maybe even feeling like fuck off, you don't tell me what I need to do! (I never said I was easy.) But I want to try. Even though I'm feeling like the bad weather outside (stormy and rainy), I know life also has beautiful moments to remember. I’ve dubbed it “The Happy Jar”.

I'll quit writing on that positive note. Thanks for reading if you do X

[apinchoflittleboo]

A Pinch of Little Boo

A chaotic soul that’s trying to use the small amount of time on this planet to do everything creative that’s tickling my heart, while struggling with being an adult, mental health, society and the world as a whole. A Pinch of Little Boo is the place where everything me comes together. It’s pure, it’s authentic and it’s everything but perfect. If you’ve come to visit … thank you and I hope you enjoy yourself (though I can't guarantee)!