aromanticle

[aromanticle]

there was a mouse in the bedroom under renovations here in my house today

so naturally i scooped up the nearest cat, who just so happened to be a former stray who very likely had to hunt everyday to survive, and threw it in the room with the tiny little spherical brownish mouse. i was not hoping it would get killed and eaten or anything, but that the cat would maybe scare it away (back to the unidentified hole it came from) and i wouldn't have to deal with it.

about half an hour later i opened the door and my cat was sleeping under the stepladder i was using to paint the walls the other day and the mouse was behind the paint bucket and wouldn't move. i thought it was dead so i went to the utility room and put on those yellow gloves you use for washing dishes so i wouldn't touch the possibly bloody injured dead mouse and also got a disposable plastic lid i was going to use to carry the little corpse outside.

when i put the lid near the mouse it got up and ran and i was startled and my reaction was to grab it with my gloved hand. it was really tiny and round and i think it might have been trying to bite me but it didn't even damage the glove because i mean it, it was Really tiny. i should have taken a picture. but i didnt want to keep holding the mouse because what if it wiggles its way out of my hand and runs up my arm or something or if i drop and lose it. so i took it outside and left it by the garden where the grass is tall and there are weeds and plants for it to hide between, and i dont know a lot about mice but i believe that was a baby or really young because it was REALLY tiny. And Round.

well the mouse didnt go anywhere near my skin and it clearly couldn't have clawed through the gloves so i know this feeling im having is 100% made up by my silly wandering mind but i really cant help feeling like touching the mouse (with rubber gloves on) made me sick. even if the mouse had bitten me it would take a lot more than like an hour for me to get some sort of disease. and thats quite funny because my room is so insanely dirty and full of garbage and dirty things im sure all the unexplainable weird physical symptoms i get out of nowhere are because of the mold growing in places i can't even imagine but that is not a fact i am willing to acknowledge in a way that matters. i know its true but at the same time i refuse to believe it. for some reason to my irrational little tennis ball of a brain it makes more sense that having a mouse less than 1cm away from my skin is making me feel sick than it being due to the various kinds of mold and bacteria accumulating in my bedroom ive been spending way too many hours a day in for years

[aromanticle]

see i like what i do. sometimes it sucks . sometimes its very fun and even emotionally fulfilling . but having to ask permission to dye my hair and being required to shave and have pretty smooth skin and being told to cover my arms because they're hopeless and to put makeup on my legs and no long nails bcs i have to wear gloves since my hands r ugly and no short hair or different haircuts. that sucks a lot and i hate it

when i get a job that doesnt require letting someone else have a say in my body / appearance im gonna gain 15 kg and pierce my whole face and be so hairy you cant even see my skin . im never gonna do my eyebrows again and i'll always have XL nails on .

[aromanticle]

when i get a job that doesnt require letting someone else have a say in my body / appearance im gonna gain 15 kg and pierce my whole face and be so hairy you cant even see my skin . im never gonna do my eyebrows again and i'll always have XL nails on .

[aromanticle]

D:

[aromanticle]

on top of that i also have to admit that every single bad experience i've had this past year + few months with people were all really my fault

i literally cannot blame someone for not knowing they were making me uncomfortable and hurting me especially when i encouraged them so much

i had a very bad night yesterday at sagu's boyfriend's house and this night her other bf was here while i was putting on my makeup and he was like mostly joking around but instead of telling him to stop i was just. honestly straight up encouraging him to make me as uncomfortable as possible. not directly but i know he couldnt have possibly known i was feeling pretty awful. neither could the guy last night when i willingly went to his house and said "yes im staying the night" and gave zero signs that i actually wished i was anywhere but there, because deep inside that's not true and i wanted to make myself feel bad so much that instead of asking him to drive me home i stayed in his room sitting on the floor next to the outlet because i felt too uncomfortable and unsafe to sleep. if i actually didn't want to feel unsafe i wouldn't keep coming back to people who treat me badly and couldn't care less about me, i wouldnt have accepted marcus's proposal, i wouldnt keep making new meeff accounts and wandering away from my friends and trying so hard to make the shadiest looking guys in any given place notice me. no matter how you look at it im the only reason i keep having really bad experiences every other week.

except for this time, which i guess is what makes it so infinitely worse and scarier and more traumatizing and its why i have been cryiing in anger and disgust and shame and why the moment i walked into a safe place those memories were instantly blocked and repressed and maybe even entirely forgotten. ive been actively looking for awful things to happen to me and ive put so much effort into making myself as vulnerable and easy to hurt as possible to satisfy my own desires that i forgot how it feels to experience things i actually don't want as opposed to things that would be terrible in any other context except for this very specific one, where even though i feel awful, its the kind of awful that brings back a certain sense of comfort and possibly nostalgia.

this, somehow, makes the whole situation so much worse. to think that all this time i thought i was re-living my early childhood in a way that would help me get over it when in fact i was just suffering for no reason and now that i got to experience what it really was like back then i realize it is as absolutely devastating and horrifying as i thought. i should have known because it hasnt even been that long. in fact, sometimes i randomly feel really bad and immediately know why. i should have known my silly little attempts at making myself the victim of several different things do not feel the same as actually having something really bad happen for real. i guess i just thought i was over it and it didnt hurt me anymore but i only felt that way because i was intentionally putting myself through it. in conclusion im so stupid i regret everything i dont want to ever leave my house again im in pain i want to sleep i want to go back in time i want to have never been born but i also know none of this will stop me from going right back into doing everything i just said i regret

[aromanticle]

sigh . i hope im able to express myself properly this time

this is just me trying to put into words every little distressing thought running thru my head at the speed of light and i doubt it will make much sense, if any

its not that i think im a bad person or that i only deserve bad things to happen to me or anything. i think i deserve plenty of good things and i want plenty of good things in my life. and i have plenty of good things too. maybe i just dont appreciate them.

i have been obsessing over this and craving and needing and seeking it for so long. almost exactly 20 months, actually. the day after when i woke up in the morning feeling absolutely awful and wishing i were dead i knew that all i need in life is exactly that: to be uncomfortable and to relive it over and over and over again, as many times as it takes for me to get over it, become completely detached, not care anymore, accept that i am not to blame for anything, not even that time when i was in fact careless and stupid. i think all i really needed was to prove to myself that its ok, im ok, i'll get over it, it doesnt matter, its not that deep, im not alone, people are just awful.

i got home almost 6 hours ago and i have been sobbing nonstop since i set foot in my bedroom. i cant remember anything at all, not even a little bit, not even the guy's face or name or how we ended up alone, its like i just heard it being talked about briefly and was left to fill in the blanks, but even though i have no memory of it (in fact i think i couldn't remember it by the time i took my makeup off using baby wipes at 11 something this past night) i cant stop feeling awful and blaming myself and calling myself stupid for intentionally putting myself into such a risk knowing exactly what the consequences would be just because i want to pity myself and be a victim and have a reason to cry in my room for a week again. i was already planning on doing a different thing that would hurt my own feelings and be harmful for my own mental health but now i can save this idea for the next time i have this ridiculously intense urge to ruin my own life

[aromanticle]

oh btw i have been veeery stressed out these past few weeks because of Cat issues . first my sirius got like a dozen kidney stones and had to be taken to the vet (its a long, stressful story that i won't be telling cause it makes me angry) then my toki simply disappears for like almost two days i think?? they're both safe and home now and getting a lot better but man . when toki ran away i was able to bottle up my emotions really well actually but that night sirius was meowing in pain in my bed and i couldn't do anything about it i got so stressed out that looking at the scarf i had just finished (it turned out ugly) made me break down and i couldn't stop crying and biting my arms for several hours

this was due to a lot of things, not just sirius, i was very stressed out and worried and tired and when i realized my cat's health was so bad it was life threatening and my mom was being That Way again and i had just spent days making something i hated (the scarf) and i could lose my kitty and it would be all my fault because i didn't take proper care of him i just couldn't pretend i wasn't feeling horrible anymore i even undid a whole crochet thing i made because i realized my mom didn't like (i made it for her) it and it was ugly too i almost threw away all my crochet hooks right there idek it was very stressful and i still feel awful when i think about sirius because no matter how many people say it isn't, i know it's all my fault he's suffering and uhhhhh yeah it's kinda making me hate myself again

[aromanticle]

become aromantic. NOW

[aromanticle]

[aromanticle]

Alloaces, partnering aros, and other romance-favorable aros should never be used as an excuse to erase a character's aromanticism. Those are real identities of real people, not a gotcha card when someone calls you out on blatant aro erasure.

You aren't being progressive when you're trying to justify what you're doing when you take the little representation that aromantic people have and change it to something closer to what you deem acceptable for the sake of shipping.

You aren't being progressive when you're attacking aspecs for complaining about blatant arophobia within places where they should feel the safest especially if they find themselves within those aro characters.

You're just being a dick.

[aromanticle]

I loooove being aromantic I love being able to look at romance in our society and popular culture from an "outsider's" perspective and getting to clearly see all the flaws in it and develop an actually complex understanding of love and relationships and feelings compared to if I wasn't aromantic I love not participating in romance

[aromanticle]

this is gonna sound really stupid but nothing makes me feel better than wearing a collar and acting like a dog/pet and i'm gonna try to explain why

i was having like a mild panic attack for no apparent reason just half an hour ago and the first thing i did was pour my food onto a bowl and put my collar on so i'd go into dog mode, then i laid down and cuddled trotsky for a few minutes while slowing down my breathing enough so i could activate the proper dogbrain and focus on getting as comfy as humanly possible to finish my shitty little dinner with no hands. by the time i got to start eating i was so much calmer i even got sleepy

i got my first item that resembled a collar about a year ago, it was a simple choker with an o-ring and i got it at the fair. when i got home i took out the bell from a cat collar (that doesn't fit me cause i'm a lot bigger than a cat) and put it on the back of my choker so it would feel more like something an animal would wear rather than just an accessory

months later in december or january idk i bought two actual dog collars from a pet store online and since then i've been wearing my collars almost every night

i like to sleep with one of them on and whenever i feel uncomfortable i put one on really tight and sit on the floor with my chin on the bed and it makes everything better p much instantly

it may be the way it gently presses down on the two neck arteries so after a couple hours i get really dizzy or the way it makes it just a bit more difficult to breathe or just the cosy vibes it brings tbh

later on i started eating popcorn from a bowl with my mouth like a dog, i'd just put the bowl on a folded blankie and get on all fours and eat food with my face inside the bowl and it looks ridiculous but it makes me feel so much more comfy when i'm overwhelmed and stressed out

sometimes at night i tie yarn to my bedpost and attach it to my collar (i don't have a proper leash or chains cause i think i wouldn't be able to explain it if someone found it) and i sleep while tied to my bed all curled up without a blankie over me cause it feels better when i'm just there

i feel like someday i'd like to be able to sleep in a cage but it's obviously not gonna be in my own house cause uh. that'd be impossible to hide i'd need a very big cage to get comfy. but if i move out someday and go live by myself i'd like to have a cage for me to sleep in or just go inside during the day

all of this has its downsides of course like sometimes when i'm out or when i'm with someone i get a bit overwhelmed and my brain immediately goes into dog mode without my permission and i have this urge to get comfy in bed or lie on the floor a bit and put on my collar and sometimes when i'm in dog mode i want to chew on things and end up biting my fingers because i haven't yet made a plan to hide the dog toys i want to get in a place where no one would find it bcs they tend to be quite colorful and not very small and like out of all the things i'd need to hide from people in my house the dog toys are definitely the most embarrassing like i don't think i'd be able to explain it even to my sister who sorta understands me

honestly all i want when/if i move out in the near future (other than a kitchen i could organize the way i want and fairy lights in every room) is a big dog cage with pillows, a carpet, a box of dog toys, a food bowl and a place for me to keep all my collars leashes and chains . that is literally The Dream

[aromanticle]

i hope this email finds you in the middle of a gunfight, in the center of a restaurant

[aromanticle]

self diagnosing as "just dramatic" and moving on

[aromanticle]

When I said "Love is not what makes us human" I meant it. It doesn't mean we need to redefine something else that makes us human. It doesn't mean that I don't understand that love is more than romantic. It means that I know those things and believe that nothing should have to define our humanity, that love is not a universal experience no matter how many different ways you try to define it.

Love is not what makes us human. Point blank.

[aromanticle]

[aromanticle]

i just got out of the shower and i have some thoughts to share about something that happened a few days ago

i went, with my sister, to see a psychiatrist. i didnt really want to do that cause deep down i just know that nothing a third party could ever do would truly help me in any way and the only person who can change the way i do things is myself, but that brief period i had with her actually did open my eyes. just not in a good way.

no one irl knows this but i actually have talked to a therapist online for a few months though one of those mental health related apps, a few times for free and i paid two dollars twice which actually ends up being not so cheap for me lol but i stopped because of something that was said to me. the person i talked to seemed to actually pay attention to what i said and she'd always tell me that the main problem i have in life in executive dysfunction which is very accurate. i dont actually know if the people the app provides are licensed or not and idk how trustworthy this all is but i actually feel like i had a positive experience with it for the most part. of course theres not much one can do when i only call them to talk about things that frustrate me and things i wish i could change about myself once every two weeks but at least i felt like there was someone out there who actually understands what i have to say.

my sister and i sat in front of a psychiatrist and told her we wish our mother actually gave a shit about us and did something to help her children have a better life instead of spending the day on her phone and guess what she said? "you cant change her, deal with it"

we were just around 10 minutes into our time together and my sister brought up concerns she had about me and she basically dismissed it completely, saying "but you dont have this trait" that someone would only know if they actually knew me when she had barely even talked to me at all. i always felt like i struggle with certain things that she said i have no problem with when she simply does not know me even a little bit at all. she just heard a couple things about me and assumed i am someone im not.

i said "i actually went back to school because i wanted to avoid trouble with my mom, not because i wanted to" and what she heard was "i loved going back to school". i said i used to want to be a literature professor and what she heard is "i like reading". my sister said i go to sleep too late (which is only partially correct) and she said "ok, i'll give you this so you can sleep"

i told her i gave up on the idea of being a teacher when i was 15 because i know how hard it would be to get there and thats not even what i want to do and she said "well this is a generation thing" like the reason i didn't pursue a goal i knew would lead me nowhere is because im a tiktok brained little gen z child that doesnt want to put effort into things that take time ???????? my dream is to star in a musical, i just dont have the means to do that. i know i dont. im never gonna have what i truly want so i can only chase after these smaller little things i could feasibly do but they dont last long. i know i'll never be happy as a teacher, not even as a literature professor, that's why im not gonna even try. i know this is gonna take years and im not even gonna be satisfied when i get there. im not gonna waste my time and money doing something i only kind of wanted to do, i shouldnt even have brought that up but we were talking about teaching and jobs and i thought it was appropriate to mention i once wanted to teach. not anymore.

i said i changed schools a lot. i liked the first school i went to, but my mom put me in a public school in third grade because well. it doesn't cost anything. but i hated going there because i couldn't get used to it. my mom then put me in a different school. i hated going there because i couldn't get used to it, but i knew if i said that to my mom she'd get mad. when i was in seventh grade my mom "threatened" to take me out of the school because of my grades and because i put no effort into my studies at all (because i hated going to school) so she put me back into a different school. i didnt like going there because i couldn't get used to it but i knew there was nowhere else for me to go. then i finally got to actually choose which school i was going to when i changed schools for the last time for high school. i went with a friend, so i assumed it would be easier. i hated going there. it was only at the end of my third year there that i thought "actually, i like this school. i wish i didnt change schools in third grade and stayed right here". and the psychiatrist said "you changed schools a lot so you clearly don't have a problem adapting to new environments". #girl you have talked to me for a grand total of 7 minutes.

i'm supposed to go back there and talk to her again in less than 30 days now and i am dreading the day i have to open my mouth and say a word to that woman again. i'd rather have my sister go alone or my mom or someone else and talk about me, i think i would be more helpful than if i go there and try to explain myself just for her to misunderstand everything i have to say.