artmuddle

[artmuddle]

Futility

You write your Republican State Rep and State Senator to voice your opposition to a bill. The bill passes anyway. Repeat.

It’s just been so disheartening this year with the Texas Legislature, watching these horrible bills, some of which will effect me and my livelihood directly, pass out of committee and get passed. For many of them, it is yet to be seen whether they will pass both houses, but it all just seems so inevitable.

And the paranoid part of me fears retaliation someday for being so vocal. Like they’re keeping track of the liberals and they will be coming for us someday.

And it’s happening all over the country. Your state is probably passing the same anti-trans, anti-drag, anti-academic, anti-DEI bull. Polls show that these bills are very unpopular with people. That’s why you have the trans supporters getting arrested at the Kentucky Capitol, you have Tennessee representatives standing up and joining the protesters and getting kicked out…

So, it seems we are going to have to live in this world that they are creating, where I can lose my job for mentioning DEI in the classroom, where parents of trans kids are treated like child abusers, where elections are controlled by the majority party and results they don’t like can be thrown out, and on and on. Perhaps living under these authoritarian laws will lead to a massive backlash.

The good news is, if you read these bills and see the shear number of them, and most are poorly written like they were rushed - it looks like these bills are coming out of desperation. They have lost control and this is all they know to do to stop the way the world is changing. They are scared and their numbers are shrinking.

[artmuddle]

Understanding City of Austin Politics

There is a strong faction of anti-progressive, liberal libertarians who stymie every action that could make Austin a better place to live by voting similarly to anti-progressive, conservative libertarians, meaning the libertarian block always wins, very little progress happens, and global market forces and corporations run rampant over the city. This creates the scenarios that both of those political groups hate: more traffic, more Californians (a generic term for wealthy globe trotters who buy up property for one of their many homes, or to lease out or rent), more gentrification, and erasure of the Austin culture they, like all of us, love. Thus they maintain a cycle that only creates frustration, leading them to solidify their anti-progressive positions even more, attacking the solutions to the very problems they are, in fact, complicit in creating. All because they fear change.

[artmuddle]

Pandemic Hyperfocus

I didn’t post much on fb or insta during the height of the pandemic because I still had a job. I was working from home, an essential state worker, and many of my friends are artists or work for arts organizations and were either unemployed or laid off. I spent my time focusing on doing as much for Texas artists and arts organizations as I could.

At my office, it was easy to get distracted and there were structured routines, like breaks and lunch. We were required to answer our phones when they rang - not great for someone with ADHD - so there was never really any sustained time for really getting things done. Every distraction meant I had no idea what I was doing beforehand.

Working from home, (with the exception of weeks 3 & 4 where I found myself curled up in a ball on the couch for a few hours in the middle of the day every day because we hadn’t quite figured out how to do everything from home yet and trauma), I would sit down at my desk with my coffee at 7 am most days. I would occasionally get up to go to the bathroom or get more coffee, but typically I found myself completely focused until I suddenly felt very hungry. Most of the time I would look up and it would be 4 pm and I had skipped lunch. I would run downstairs and scarf something down, then return to the computer. At 5 my husband would start reminding me to wrap up for the day. “Okay, just one more thing,” multiple times until he finally would say we needed to make dinner. 5 days a week, repeat. Sometimes start at 5 am so I could finish something before my boss got online.

I lost 20 pounds thanks to reduced access to candy, but most of the weight was muscle mass. My arms, legs,  and chest lost definition. The treadmill broke on the first day of the pandemic, and our workout space had been transformed into my office. We tried a few times to get in better shape, and managed to do a daily dog walk, but somehow working from home was so much busier - work life bled into home life in ways they didn’t when I forced myself to leave work at work.

Now I am dealing with arthritis, degenerative disk disease, high blood pressure, pre-diabetes...I did the thing they were warning us not to do. And I know it probably would’ve helped depression and mood as well, but it was all just so exhausting, wasn’t it?

I’ve had to be off my left foot for 2 months now (degenerative arthritis), during the period of the year when you are supposed to start fresh and get back in shape, and the dogs miss their walks and so do I. But I am in a position now where I have to make a change or I am not going to have the quality of life that I want. I told myself last night, after my foot finally got diagnosed that I need to make a change, and I am telling you so perhaps, I can hold myself accountable.

[artmuddle]

It’s bad enough to work with a fellow actor who is drunk, but a hundred times worse is the drunk director. Do your cast a favor and don’t drink before rehearsal.

[artmuddle]

The focus of most twentieth century plays, according to acting and playwriting instructors, is action. But I am drawn to watching an actor think - to see the appearance of choices that the character has in the moment, and then - what they actually DO. That moment of hesitation where there is an internal struggle. It draws you to the performer. Does thinking on stage create stage presence?

[artmuddle]

I am recovering from an MFA in acting. Actually, two programs. The abbreviated time between stimulus and action can become a daily habit. You are taught to act instinctually, which our society values, but which can wreak havoc on your life. Some things take time and thought. Buddhist meditation has been a big help to investigate and lengthen the time before action, to stop reactivity when I choose to.

[artmuddle]

The funny thing

I fear I am going to waste your time. This is the first post on my tumblr, really. You know who I am. The act of microblogging could lead to macroblogging. Perhaps. Utterly self-conscious as always, a toe in the water? The important thing will be to define a public identity that is not at odds with my current public responsibilities. Anything could cross the line. So there is care involved. Craft. Self-making. So, as long as you acknowledge that, then welcome. I apologize for not being what may seem me in favor of a public persona. I figure, as long as I am up front in the beginning...so we can be frank. We can be honest about leaving out some things. So I am curating, which some I have read say is not the point of blogging. Catch me up on these conversations if you have found them.