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Things are rough again.

A lot of people died over Christmas, friends, family, family friends. Most recently my gran, extremely unexpected. It’s all happened so quickly it doesn’t feel real. How can it not feel real? She died in my arms and I carried her coffin last week.

I’ve lost so much, I go to bed most nights hoping I don’t wake up the next day. You don’t have to worry, I’m too much of a shite bag to do anything to my self. More hoping for some Devine intervention to make that choice for me.

Maybe things will feel better one day, but that day isn’t today.

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So, apparently it’s been two years since I opened this app.

A lot has changed, I’m going to take this as an opportunity to reflect on the progress that’s been made in this time … and I guess a little update if anyone’s actually still active on here.

When I was last properly active on this I was in a relationship that wasn’t very healthy, there was lies and loopholes. I believe that connection came to an end 3ish years ago now. I was just starting out as a runner in television, quitting my job in a supermarket to risk a freelance career. I was grieving and not in a good place.

Fast forward to today, I’ve just finished producing, directing and shooting 3 series of a well known prime time TV show. Next week I start on my new job doing the same role.

Being a PD is something I never thought I could do. Mainly because I didn’t believe in myself and secondly the health scare I had were there was and I guess still is a chance I could lose my eyesight. I never thought I’d ever be here and it’s so surreal to be finishing up my first year doing my dream job.

I’ve been dating someone super cute who is wholesome in every way, shes a good soul and has the biggest heart. It’s the lightest and happiest I’ve felt in years when it comes to dating. You know you have it bad for someone when you’re leaving to go work a shoot for x amount of days. But you still get up early to stop by her flat and give her a kiss before you go.

I’ve been through a lot of self discovery, healing and acceptance. Looking pretty likely to be autistic, realised my sexuality is neptunic rather than a lesbian. Also came to terms with being genderfluid/non binary. Currently going by she/they, but hey it’s a journey we are still figuring it out.

Maybe I’ll post more? Just felt like a little reflection on what’s changed over the years.

Nico xo

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Well hi. It’s been a while

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I want to live in this picture forever🤍

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“When someone gives you a rare insight into their life, do not repay that gesture by betraying their trust.”

— Dodinsky

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weird asks that say a lot

in

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

7. earbuds or headphones?

8. movies or tv shows?

9. favorite smell in the summer?

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

12. name of your favorite playlist?

13. lanyard or key ring?

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

18. ideal weather?

19. sleeping position?

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

21. obsession from childhood?

22. role model?

23. strange habits?

24. favorite crystal?

25. first song you remember hearing?

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

28. five songs to describe you?

29. best way to bond with you?

30. places that you find sacred?

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

32. top five favorite vines?

33. most used phrase in your phone?

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

35. average time you fall asleep?

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

38. lemonade or tea?

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

41. last person you texted?

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

44. favorite scent for soap?

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

47. favorite type of cheese?

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

51. current stresses?

52. favorite font?

53. what is the current state of your hands?

54. what did you learn from your first job?

55. favorite fairy tale?

56. favorite tradition?

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

62. seven characters you relate to?

63. five songs that would play in your club?

64. favorite website from your childhood?

65. any permanent scars?

66. favorite flower(s)?

67. good luck charms?

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

70. left or right handed?

71. least favorite pattern?

72. worst subject?

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

82. pc or console?

83. writing or drawing?

84. podcasts or talk radio?

84. barbie or polly pocket?

85. fairy tales or mythology?

86. cookies or cupcakes?

87. your greatest fear?

88. your greatest wish?

89. who would you put before everyone else?

90. luckiest mistake?

91. boxes or bags?

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

93. nicknames?

94. favorite season?

95. favorite app on your phone?

96. desktop background?

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

98. favorite historical era?

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Via Pinterest

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The Town Hall of Leuven, Belgium, photo by s1amsi

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🍻🤍🤎

Hello, you can chat to me if you want

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Cozy Cabin Flannels

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When I first started working in TV, my grandad would sit and watch the shows I worked on with me, I’d always be so excited to see the finished product with my name at the end. Back then I was only the girl who drove the van and got everyone’s lunches. But still he would sit with me and watch every single show even though none of the content was even made by me.

Next week a series is starting in which I’ve got my first big role where I shoot 50% of every episode with a director. It’s funny, it becomes a day job and you go in, film what you need to film, go to bed, repeat the next day. But sometimes it dawns on you that this camera I’m holding, the content I film is viewed by 5 million people on the air date, and then will be repeated for years to come on the BBC. It’s quite gut wrenching when you put it into perspective. Any slight shake, mistake with pulling focus, it’s all there.

It’s my first show where someone took a chance on me and believed in me, the series producer compliments my shooting style and droning all the time, and tonight, after being told the show goes live next week, it’s dawned on me my biggest supporter isn’t going to be with me to see content I actually created with my own two hands.

It’s absolutely fucking heart breaking that he never got to see me do what I’ve always wanted to do. He would be bursting with pride. He would be cheering for me when I was just the tea lady on these shoots. It’s going to be so incredibly sad to watch it without him.

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What do you think of me?

👀 I stalk you

🤔 I don't know why I follow you

🤩 I'm a fan of you

🤮 You make me sick

🙄Yo annoy me

🤓 You're really smart

😭You make me sad

💗I love your blog not you

💖I love you not your blog

💞 I love both your blog and your content

💔 I don't love your blog or you

🐦 I'm following you

🐤Were mutuals

🥀Were friends

🌸We don't talk

🕸️We've talked once

🍎We're on chats together

🍏We talk alot

🍻I want to talk to you

🍫Stop talking to me

🍭 Follow me?

☕ Un follow me

👶 I see you like a child

🧓I see you like a mum

💍I'm in love with you

🎶I like your music taste

🧲 I'm attracted to you

❗I don't know you

❤️ You deserve happiness

🧡I care about you

💛 I love seeing you on my dash

💚You sometimes like my stuff and I love you for it

💙 I'm concerned about you

💜You amaze me

🤎 I want to know you better

🖤 I admire you from afar

🤍 I have a crush on you

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“Never lie to someone who trusts you and never trust someone who lies to you”

— (hatin)