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Check Out Ralph & Shamonda's (Married to Film) Reaction to Orphan Black's Season 1 Finale

I already know Kira constantly being in danger and/or plotted on is gonna give them high blood pressure for the rest of the series and I'm here for it 🤣😂😭...

Ralph: "Alison's crazy."

Shamonda: "They're all crazy."

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Ralph & Shamonda's reaction to Orphan Black 1x08. That ending almost made one of them quit watching 😆...

If you want to check out Married to Film's YouTube Orphan Black reactions they've uploaded so far, here a playlist (they're almost halfway through season on their Patreon and their reaction to that bathroom scene with Sarah & Helena was gold). I'm so glad I got them to finally react to this...

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzWhbtY46zsdHGdBhBexnSXBgJ6fa2dLH&si=kN6Yd0G58DIisr1z

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We Need More Orphan Black reactors!

A new spin off series and this show is still underrated and so unknown. Took me years to convince this channel (Married to Film) to react to Orphan Black and they're finally doing it lol (I found them when they started their Walking Dead journey years ago when their channel was still young and they ended up becoming probably my favorite reactors for TWD). They finished season 1 on their Patreon so I already seen it, but still giving them views for their YouTibe channel. We only get maybe one, small YouTube channel a year to react that might react to Orphan Black and I always support, especially since they are the ones willing to give it chance instead of worrying about views necessarily (not to say anything's wrong with wanting views since that's how some get paid 🤷🏾‍♀️). I hope we get more reactors soon, especially now that Orphan Black: Echo is underway...

Also, Orphan Black is great rewatch series and it's lowkey just fun knowing the pieces to the various puzzles, while the reactors trying to figure out what the "picture" is even supposed to be 😆 *goofy, evil laugh *...

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vaginal hygiene & health - an introductory crash course

pass this on to spread knowledge whether you have one or not, #save-a-coochie

- the vagina is the tubular ‘internal’ sex organ that some people have. - the ‘vulva’ is the set of external sex organs that people with vaginas have. it includes (but not only):

pubic mound 

labia minora and majora (inner/outer ‘lips’)

clitoris and clitoral hood 

vulval vestibule (found in between your labia minora)

urethra (where you urinate from)

vaginal opening

-vaginas naturally contain a balance of different bacterias. this bacteria protects the vagina from external bacteria and fungus, provides natural disinfectants and maintains a healthy vaginal pH of 3.5-4.5.

-vaginal pH varies from person to person, day to day, depending on your cycle, your diet and many other external factors,

-all vaginas have a scent. all of them. no two people smell exactly the same, and you shouldn’t expect your vagina (or anyone else’s) to smell fruity or floral.

- if your worried about your scent, you can place perfume or an essential oil to an area around your vulva but not on it. some places like between your thighs or on your lower stomach, for example,

-your body secretes natural fluids called discharge. discharge is how your vagina self cleanses. it is completely normal and vital to healthy vaginal function.

-discharge can vary in amount, color, texture and scent depending on your cycle. each person is different. if your discharge is unusual or abnormal to you and your unique body - visit a doctor if possible.

-abnormal discharge can be green, grey, very yellow, smelly, itchy, chunky, etc.

-abundant discharge can be annoying. you can remove excess discharge in your shower by inserting one clean finger into your vagina, moving it from one side to another and ‘scooping’ the discharge out. repeat as needed. this reduces the amount of discharge found on your panties and in turn, reduces vaginal scent.

- dead skin cells and oil can build up between your clitoris and your clitoral hood, so it’s important to lift your hood up and rinse thoroughly so it doesnt harden. 

-washing your “external” vulvar areas such as your public mound and outer lips is okay, though some may find skin here more sensitive.

-don’t douche. you may think it helps but it only masks any problems while causing more. douching throws of your flora, alters your PH and forces bacteria into your cervix.

-water and a soft, clean wash cloth is all you need to clean your vulvar areas that contain a mucous membrane. you do not need to wash these areas. applying soaps or cleaners to these areas removes of natural necessary lubricants and bacteria. this may cause irritation, inflammation, major discomfort and dryness. some amount of moistness should always be present.

-a vast majority of vaginal washes, even those touted as hypoallergenic, still contain dyes and fragrances which are known irritants. read the label.

-while Summer’s eve is a lesser of evils with a PH of 3.0 - 3.5 (still not quite correct), it is still a cleanser. vaginal washes are used to cleanse “bad” bacteria from your vulva. they also wash away the “good” bacteria needed to maintain a healthy balance.

-castile soaps (like Dr. Bronner’s) has a pH of about 8.9. these are not suggested.

-never insert any cleansing agents into your vagina.

-the information above applies to any gels, deodorants, perfumed products and wipes, too. these can all disturb your natural balance.

-while they still pose a possible risk of irritation, unscented baby wipes are the lesser of evils regarding “freshening up”.

-pay attention to your irritants and triggers. different people, different reactions

-everyone has different stances and different methods that work for them. if you aren’t experiencing vaginal discomfort or odd changes, you don’t have to discontinue certain product use. i do, however, recommend a trial period of leaving these products alone due to their effects on your vagina.

-allow your vagina to breathe. keep too-tight clothing to a minimum. cotton panties are the best option next to not wearing any at all. rotate the washcloth and towels you use to clean and dry your vagina.

-urinating after masturbation or sex reduces the amount of bacteria in your urethra wiping ‘front to back’ keeps rectal bacterial away from your vagina.

-naturally, food alters your vagina. balancing your diet in general and including things like pineapples, strawberries, yogurt, soy (the list goes on!) can influence your pH.

-beverages like water, cranberry juice and pineapple juice are also proven to improve vaginal health, and may even improve taste.

-adding a probiotic supplement can increase the amount of “good” bacteria called lactobacillus-your vagina.

-the less ideal your vaginal balance/pH is, the more vulnerable you are to infections and STDs.

-when it comes to internet home remedies, your mileage my vary. try everything with caution and research thoroughly.

cheers! your vagina will thank you.

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Yay! I wasn't sure how it'd go so I'm glad 😊...

Made my first Walking Dead Crack Video. Check it out and hope you’ll enjoy…

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Glad you liked it. I wasn't sure how it would turn out 😁...

Made my first Walking Dead Crack Video. Check it out and hope you’ll enjoy…

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tumblr mirrors on ‘photosugar’

So idk if others have noticed this before - but it’s the first time I’m seeing this, hence the post.

There’s a website, https://www.photosugar.com, which apparently mirrors all pictures, gifsets etc. people post on their tumblrs (and also other social media sites like twitter and instagram, if I understand it correctly). An eample for a tumblr user, with my name: https://www.photosugar.com/tu/lordhellebore

Now it won‘t turn up anything but a 404 error in my case, because I sent an e-mail to the contact address, which is darius@photosugar.com with the title “My content on your website”:

Hello, it’s come to my attention that you are mirroring all of the posts containing pictures/gifs that I post on my tumblr. I am asking you to stop pulling the content from my tumblr and to delete me from your website. tumblr username is „lordhellebore“ Thank you.

I got a reply consisting of the single word “removed” after just one day, and as you can see, it worked perfectly fine with the informal mail I sent. So if you want them to stop mirroring your tumblr, it seems all you really need to to is this.  

I can’t test the site for all of my mutuals, but I’m tagging a few whom I found on there by random trial & error, and I suggest you look yourself up if you see this post and dislike tumblr mirrors (even if this one is only for pictures, not text).

@janiedean, @ladytp, @vaysh11, @lunavagantt, @einemelodieimwind, @robb-greyjoy, @youbuggingme, @ysilme, @rex-luscus, @bai-xue, @viendiletto, @electricalice, @contessa-de-leusse, @memetic-mutism, @bluecichlid, @mrs-storm-andrews, @ladymothwing, @prismatic-bell, @kittykatknits, @tinkili

….basically, whomever I’m trying at random, it seems that you’re on there.

 Please reblog so others can know and ask for removal if they want to.

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Made my first Walking Dead Crack Video. Check it out and hope you’ll enjoy...

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I just had a random thought of Rick trying to do something special for Michonne on Valentine’s Day and surprises her by trying to pull a D’Angelo...

I SCREAMED!...

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February 2, 2018. I’m dating this because I don’t know when I’ll actually post this. If I ever do post it (if you’re reading this, I’m assuming I posted it. Or I’ve died and someone found it and posted anyways lol)…

Yesterday, I experienced something I wish I hadn’t. Something that shouldn’t have happened and yet, it did…

I’m 27 years old. I’m a black woman. I recently started working at a preschool as a teacher assistant last week. It’s a private school in a Christian church. A church mostly obtained with black people including the school. Most of the staff is black (there are Latina women who work there as well. Three who I do After Care with). Most of the students are black or biracial(there are a few white and Latino students but most students are black). I’m pretty sure we have a Muslim student of Middle Eastern origin in my class (he joined our class the same week I started there) because I’m the scarf his mother wears every time I see her pick him up is a hijab, even though it’s a Christian school. I’m not religious myself, I don’t think any of my co-workers are aware of this either, but it doesn’t bother me to work at such a school. I’ve even voluntarily attended their Tuesday morning bible study while my student were attended their weekly Chapel down the hall because I was genuinely interested (I could have just sat in Chapel with my student and the teacher I work with, which I wish I did because after bible study was over and I went back to my classroom, I noticed some of my students were missing because they were in trouble and it was the same students I specifically had sitting in my row for Chapel for me to keep an eye out for them and I felt guilty that I left the burden of all of those students, 18, alone with the teacher I work with. I’m not going to mention her name all of this. Actually I’ll call her Mrs. G). We taught them about Moses in class this week on Wednesday. After Mrs. G told them the story of Moses, I came back the next day and surprised with Mrs. G and the class with my personal Prince of Egypt movie (because The Ten Commandments film is way too damn long and not child appropriate lol). They both loved it and it brought me back to when I was in 5th grade, everyday my teacher would play that soundtrack while we worked to the point we knew all the words and ended up making “When You Believe” our graduating song (and been the graduating tradition ever since at that school). I had a smile on my face the whole movie (even though it was awkward when kids would ask me why God killed the Egyptian children. It’s one thing for the teacher to tell you in a story, but it’s another to watch it, even if it was an animated movie lol)…

I’m getting sidetracked. My point was, being in a religious environment, despite it not being mine, doesn’t bother me and we are a diverse community, even though the school is majority black…

Monday morning, I walked into the building to clock in, I noticed my boss, Mrs.  M, is speaking with a woman, who had her young daughter beside her. I wait behind her because I didn’t want to feel like I was being rude while they were conversing (I show up to work about 15 minutes early everyday, so it’s not like I was in a hurry or worried about being late). Her daughter was clearly a new student (I’d only been there a week, but I hadn’t recognized her as she had been there the past week as I’ve tried to pay close attention to the students, and my fellow teacher, at the school, both facially and behaviorally, especially I work the after care as well which contained a lot of students in the school in general). I sign in for work (I wasn’t put in the system yet so I had to do via paper), Mrs. M asks me to wait outside for a few minutes. I do so. After a few minutes, my boss calls me back over and introduces me to the mother and child, telling me that since the teacher that the child was meant to be in is sick with the flu (there’s been a big flu situation here and 3 teachers were out with it) she was going to be stuck in my class for the time being as Mrs. G was the only real teacher for her age group available at the time being and didn’t want the child to be stuck with a substitute on her first week, as well find out her abilities as a student (we just start the second semester I figured she was a late preschooler). I work Pre-K 4 by the way…

I happily obliged (I was actually freaked out for a bit while I waited because I thought I was in trouble for something as I was only on my second week of the job and didn’t know if I did something but I eventually did come to the conclusion that it had something to do with a new student being brought in). I bring both the mother and the child upstairs, I briefly show her where the class she was intended to attend was as it was closer when then I finally brought her to our class. I quickly notified Mrs. G, who was unaware of the situation and was already teaching the class, and let her get the young child situated while I watched over our students (4-5 years can get a bit out of structure but I make sure to check them. Already I love them dearly and considering how they greet me in the morning when I walk into class, even the children I watch in after care that aren’t my students, they love me right back, despite my firmness. I think I’ve already made a name for myself)…

I guess I should speak on the head teacher in my class, Mrs. G. This woman is a strong, black woman. I know that’s considered such a stereotype (I’m a black woman myself so I know), but just these two weeks I’ve known her, that’s how I genuine feel. I knew it the moment I’ve seen her. I was doing my job interview with my boss, Mrs. M., and she  Not only that, but a beautiful, strong, black woman. I honestly thought she was no more than 40 years old. Maybe even early-mid 40s if I wanted to push it. She told me that she was about to be 58 years old. I wanted to slap myself she’s the same age as my beautiful mother who looks younger than she does as well. Then again, she seem taken aback slightly that I was 27 years old so I don’t know if she thought I was younger, which happens to me a bit, or thought I was older because I personally think I’ve age a bit from the stress and depression I suffered from the past few years of my life. Not only does she look youthful, but she beautiful as well. Such vibrant melanin. She had a teen son of her own. Anyways, she’s very firm with her students. She gives them structure and have no time for games. When I first met her at the end of my interview, Mrs. M called her end before she went out for her lunch to meet me(she didn’t know she was getting a new assistant), she showed me her classroom and was grateful and called me a blessing as she was struggling with 15 young students when her last assistant unknowingly quit on her. As she was showing me her classroom, the way she spoke, I knew she was real (and very real she is and I love her for it). This wasn’t a woman about bullshit. I didn’t want to swear in this post, despite it being a second language to me lol, but I feel that was the only way to describe it at the moment. When we came down the stairs, my personal friend (Mrs. K), who was working there and put in the word for me for the job, saw us and told that this was a good woman (that weekend when I saw her after work she told me that she was the one that followed protocol and got shit done), said that I was going to work well with her and be use to her very direct personality (as I should used to it with years of my friend Mrs. K). I’m very glad to work with such a woman. Her firmness is not out of anger. She even gives a piece of candy and treats to those who pay attention and try. She takes her ob very seriously and want these children to go into Kindergarten prepared.She takes her job very seriously and want these children to learn.

With the new student, P, I immediately notice that the child had no boundaries. Not in a sense of personal space as one would think of lack of boundaries, but one of doing what she wanted. She’d ask a question but if you deny her, there would be an attitude. She didn’t understand that special privileges didn’t go the disruptive students. So this child was used to getting what she wanted simply for asking for it. She got up out her seat without raising her hand, got out of her seat, talking when she should be working, being disruptive during movie time and when I would try to correct her, I would be met with a sense of sneakingly (not so secretly) look disdain…

I could see it in her eyes. Every time. Everyday…

She was new so I would let some her minor actions slide. I figured that since she was new she hadn’t been presented with the structure of school so I tried to show her. The very first day though, other teachers had come up and tell us that she was a “problem” and considering her behavior on the very first day, Mrs. G and I already knew. Other teachers telling us about the behavior. Not disruptive behavior per-se, but having a in the lack of respecting authority in a that she can’t always get what she desires at that given moment. She’s going to do what she wants and she has a mouth to accompany it. She didn’t seem like a bad kid, just no structure of doing what was told…

Everyday this happened…

Thursday day comes around. She’s doing the same thing. Talking to other student when she’s supposed to be working (I try correct it), playing in the line when we’re going to lunch (music class, chapel, after care, ect), trying to force us to give her treats by confusing to ask us for it, ect. I firmly stand my ground (her desk is close to my so I have the most interactions with her) and Mrs. G certainly does. Since she was new, I tried to steer her in the direction. I wanted her to enjoy learning s well as coming to school, but i told her she had to ear those lollipops that she saw a couple of those classmates earning. She didn’t care. She just wanted a lollipop. I understood. I kinda have a child’s heart so understood wanting the lollipop. Unfortunately, everyday, throughout the day, she would ask for an unearned treat. Everyday, throughout the day, I’d have to explain it to her, that she hadn’t earned one…

On Thursday, the same thing occurred. The behavior, the disdained eyes, the asking for treats. As usual, I firmly said she couldn’t. After Care came around and I was lining up the children to go downstairs for their snack (which I did’t normally do as they ate their snacks upstairs outside to classroom). I told the kids as usually that I didn’t want them talking and paying in the hallway while they were lined up while I discussed something very briefly with Mrs. G. Now Mrs. G had given them their own water bottles for snack (which is not a usual occurrence as they can bring their own snacks and juice as well as use the water fountain when thirsty, with permission). I heard the sound of children misbehaving and I silently went out and without a word, I took away  new student, P, and another student (one who Mrs. G had warned me about that P had been constructing misbehavior with) water bottles because I saw them playing in the hallway. I try to be very firm about listening teaching about the students doing what they’re told by the teachers and other (like I said, I’ve might have developed a reputation already with the kids already. I’m addressed with manners and they know my name b like I also said, many of the to the point that I’ve already developed “teacher pets”, as in they always want to be helpful and tell me about their day and life as their friend despite my firmness them and beam up every morning I walk into class. Perhaps they see me as a big sister as the many children I’ve watched/taken care of before starting this job. Respect and Love)…

After I’d taken it, I was met with the disdain. At this point, I had a feeling what the “issue” was. I didn’t say anything because didn’t want to jump to conclusions. Especially me, considering I was the one working with her more than anyone else. I saw it. It was a feeling though…

After I took the children down for snack, P’s mother came to take her home. I smiled and waved and I do with all the parents. She took her daughter back upstairs to retrieve her belongings. I noticed that because I know Mrs. G talk to a lot of the parents to discuss what the children have been learning and sometimes specifically their child’s behavior if necessary. When P and her mother came back down, her mother confronted me. Not aggressively, but she certainly wanted to speak to me…

She said that P spoke of me bending her finger back. I told that it was not the case and all I’d only taken her water away. I could see that she seemed mildly concerned about her child and such an accusation but she was “calm”. Spoke of concern and her daughter being everything to her. I understand that. I have a niece. Despite the amount of noise with it merging into After Care or a language barrier of some sort, I hoped that an understanding was formed (my instincts told me that it wouldn’t but as usual, I ignored them, went about my evening working the hectic After Care). I’m not about to put my hands on someone’s child…

I walked in Friday, bright and early to finish my day and get finally get. This was a big deal for me. I’d looked a random horoscope about certain dates would affect me for the month of February. My Sun sign said that the 1st of Feb(and other dates) would be of importance. That was Thursday. Nothing significant happened besides the parental confrontation, which I joked about. My moon sign for the 2nd(and other dates) and joke the 2nd would be a significance (that is, if I went based on my Moon sign)…

Friday morning (early as usual), I walked into work, after clocking in (I’m finally in the system now), Mrs. M comes to me and asks me what happened with P. Clearly P’s mother had spoke to her that morning to tell her what happened as Mrs. M hadn’t said anything when I left work the night before. I explained myself taking the water bottle the day before. Apparently the mother told Mrs. M about the false story of me bending of finger. I haven’t laid a hand on this child. I wasn’t furious. I was more feeling a possible, oncoming headache. I was only in my second week of work and I was already in a mess. How? I literally walk around and try to keep the kids in line. I’ll punish them by making them stand up if they keep putting their feet in the seats or talking when they shouldn’t. By the time I get home, my voice is extra raspy and my feet hurt from it. I don’t touch them but it’s constant talking for me. But I go to bed and get up 2 and a half hours before I need to be to work (come in early) and do my job…

I was being accused of child abuse. Physical child abuse…

I’m scheduled for a meeting with P. her parent’s, my boss and myself for a meeting. Week 2. I was just wanting to get myself and kids through the day with learning and finally get my first check by the end of the day and prepare for the next week of work…

I go up to class and inform Mrs. G, as I’m her assistant, and she’s none the pleased. She’s well aware of the child’s behavior. Despite me having the most interactions with her than anyone else, Mrs. G was well aware of the child’s behavior from other staff members. Despite me only being at this job 2 weeks, she had spoken highly of me as her assistant, as well as other assistants. I handle the children very well and help her with her job. She tells me about how when the the mother brought her child up the day before and she was doing routine class/child report to her on how the child’s behavior was. P kept asking Mrs. G for a lollipop, despite her and myself constantly telling her “No”. Mrs. G is very adamant about not switching up because a parent is present. What she tells a child when the parent isn’t there is what she’ll tell when the parent is present. P was unaware of this and hoping for the best and got results she wasn’t expecting. While Mrs. G was working, P also had a habit of biting her nails. When she and her mother was upstairs with Mrs. G, that what she was doing. Mrs. G noted it in her mind because her mother told her to stop. I had personally noted that she chewed on her hair). When P was upstairs with her mother and Mrs. G, she first complained about her finger hurting and Mrs. G said it was a hangnail. She goes down to Mrs. M to tell her her thoughts on the situation…

Meeting time comes. I’m not worried. I knew I was going to speak the truth despite what the child said. I was not going to lose this job because of a child’s lies either. I stayed calm the whole time. We all sat down (P’s father was there as well and Mrs. M had already informed me that when he found out about “what happened” that he waned to pull the child from the school). He was adamant about his child not being a liar. He wasn’t aggressive or anything but I could tell he was the strong parent of the two, (after all, he was the one that wanted to pull her out of the school (honestly who wouldn’t if they thought their child was being abused) P continued with the story of the bent finger. I stood my ground about about me simply taking the water bottle away from her. As I observed P more as she speaks, I realize my instinct is most likely correct. I don’t think anyone else noticed it yet though. To the untrained eye, one would easily believe her. I probably would have if I wasn’t in the situation myself honestly. The mother claimed to seen an injury (said her finger was red when her daughter showed her the day before). As the discussion went on, I realized that not only was her mother had interviewed for a job (which I took major note of) and that that P had already attended preschool before (they had recently moved her from San Diego and we live in Northern Virginia). Eventually, P was giving herself away. She was smiling behind her hands while being questioned. I had told P that if I did hurt her, it was accidental (which was the truth) if my taking the water bottle away actually inured her finger. She stuck to her lies. She was very adamant about me purposely hurting her. Her parents knew that perhaps it was a misunderstanding, or that they wouldn’t have had a “case” and tried to get her “forgive”. P was very adamant saying “No” over and over. Eventually, a smile emerged as she answered.. I noticed the childlike grinning eventually even when her parents asked why she wouldn’t “forgive” and no longer wanted to attend the school. When her parent further questioned her on why, she said under her breath that because I’m black. Mrs. M, who is an older black woman, caught it too. Luckily, Mrs. M was very professional, but I hadn’t spoken another word during the rest of the meeting…

My suspicions were confirmed…

P’s parents were embarrassed. They knew we heard it. Finally, everyone else understood what the real issue was and it certainly wasn’t about accusations of me bending a child’s finger. Finally everyone had caught up to what I was already catching. P’s parents jumped to the conclusion that it was possible P’s sister (they weren’t exactly clear about this supposed sister of hers) may have had something to do with it. Mrs. M informed the parents about the hangnail incident the day before. As she calmly spoke about although their child being smart but lacked structure and why being in my class specifically would provide it from Mrs. G, I could hear P saying under her breath saying “Everyone’s here’s black” and “…all these black people…”. 

She’s 5 years old…

Her mother tried to shush her every time P would whisper a comment. Her parents said that they were going t talk to her over the weekend and bring her back Monday. The 2 saddest parts was that not only was this 5 year old in such a racist mindset (she learned that from somewhere, whether it was her parents, grandparents, ect) but the fact that I wasn’t too upset by it. The latter kind of bothered me more with the fact that I should have been more bothered by it. Maybe it was because as a black woman, despite racial hatred not being my personal everyday life, (I was more bothered that it happened only on my second week at work more than anything) I knew what to expect emerging into the world of adulthood and life in general. I just sat there at that table silently. There was nothing else for me to say…

But in the end. I didn’t really feel anything. I just went about my day and just continued to love. Told my mom during my lunch break what happened. Even laughed about how this could only happen to me on my second week on the job. Mrs. G, who was furious when I told her what happened, and I noted the irony that we’ve been learning Black History for weeks (since Martin Luther King’s birthday), including this past week with learning about Garrett Morgan & Lewis Latimer, (when I walked into class Friday morning). I went home and Google P’s name (something I had wanted to do a couple days before because I wasn’t sure of her ethnicity and didn’t want to get that wrong but hadn’t gotten around to it yet) and found out her name was Indian. Not Native American, but from India. I was thinking Pakistan originally (which she could certainly still be) but was certainly close enough. Most people had assumed white when I told this story. She wasn’t…

Racism isn’t simply black or white. Solidarity between people of color isn’t something that’s there a lot of the time. Whether this 5 year old girl learned her prejudice of black people from her parents, “sister”, or whomever, it’s unacceptable. At the end of the day, it is the life of a black person to have respect shown from others and fight on our side (despite wanting us to fight for them). Hopefully, if the parents do have the right mindset, can correct the young child’s racist way of thinking or this world will to continue to struggle in it’s change for the better…

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February 2, 2018. I’m dating this because I don’t know when I’ll actually post this. If I ever do post it (if you’re reading this, I’m assuming I posted it. Or I’ve died and someone found it and posted anyways lol)...

Yesterday, I experienced something I wish I hadn’t. Something that shouldn’t have happened and yet, it did...

I’m 27 years old. I’m a black woman. I recently started working at a preschool as a teacher assistant last week. It’s a private school in a Christian church. A church mostly obtained with black people including the school. Most of the staff is black (there are Latina women who work there as well. Three who I do After Care with). Most of the students are black or biracial(there are a few white and Latino students but most students are black). I’m pretty sure we have a Muslim student of Middle Eastern origin in my class (he joined our class the same week I started there) because I’m the scarf his mother wears every time I see her pick him up is a hijab, even though it’s a Christian school. I’m not religious myself, I don’t think any of my co-workers are aware of this either, but it doesn’t bother me to work at such a school. I’ve even voluntarily attended their Tuesday morning bible study while my student were attended their weekly Chapel down the hall because I was genuinely interested (I could have just sat in Chapel with my student and the teacher I work with, which I wish I did because after bible study was over and I went back to my classroom, I noticed some of my students were missing because they were in trouble and it was the same students I specifically had sitting in my row for Chapel for me to keep an eye out for them and I felt guilty that I left the burden of all of those students, 18, alone with the teacher I work with. I’m not going to mention her name all of this. Actually I’ll call her Mrs. G). We taught them about Moses in class this week on Wednesday. After Mrs. G told them the story of Moses, I came back the next day and surprised with Mrs. G and the class with my personal Prince of Egypt movie (because The Ten Commandments film is way too damn long and not child appropriate lol). They both loved it and it brought me back to when I was in 5th grade, everyday my teacher would play that soundtrack while we worked to the point we knew all the words and ended up making “When You Believe” our graduating song (and been the graduating tradition ever since at that school). I had a smile on my face the whole movie (even though it was awkward when kids would ask me why God killed the Egyptian children. It’s one thing for the teacher to tell you in a story, but it’s another to watch it, even if it was an animated movie lol)...

I’m getting sidetracked. My point was, being in a religious environment, despite it not being mine, doesn’t bother me and we are a diverse community, even though the school is majority black...

Monday morning, I walked into the building to clock in, I noticed my boss, Mrs.  M, is speaking with a woman, who had her young daughter beside her. I wait behind her because I didn’t want to feel like I was being rude while they were conversing (I show up to work about 15 minutes early everyday, so it’s not like I was in a hurry or worried about being late). Her daughter was clearly a new student (I’d only been there a week, but I hadn’t recognized her as she had been there the past week as I’ve tried to pay close attention to the students, and my fellow teacher, at the school, both facially and behaviorally, especially I work the after care as well which contained a lot of students in the school in general). I sign in for work (I wasn’t put in the system yet so I had to do via paper), Mrs. M asks me to wait outside for a few minutes. I do so. After a few minutes, my boss calls me back over and introduces me to the mother and child, telling me that since the teacher that the child was meant to be in is sick with the flu (there’s been a big flu situation here and 3 teachers were out with it) she was going to be stuck in my class for the time being as Mrs. G was the only real teacher for her age group available at the time being and didn’t want the child to be stuck with a substitute on her first week, as well find out her abilities as a student (we just start the second semester I figured she was a late preschooler). I work Pre-K 4 by the way...

I happily obliged (I was actually freaked out for a bit while I waited because I thought I was in trouble for something as I was only on my second week of the job and didn’t know if I did something but I eventually did come to the conclusion that it had something to do with a new student being brought in). I bring both the mother and the child upstairs, I briefly show her where the class she was intended to attend was as it was closer when then I finally brought her to our class. I quickly notified Mrs. G, who was unaware of the situation and was already teaching the class, and let her get the young child situated while I watched over our students (4-5 years can get a bit out of structure but I make sure to check them. Already I love them dearly and considering how they greet me in the morning when I walk into class, even the children I watch in after care that aren’t my students, they love me right back, despite my firmness. I think I’ve already made a name for myself)...

I guess I should speak on the head teacher in my class, Mrs. G. This woman is a strong, black woman. I know that’s considered such a stereotype (I’m a black woman myself so I know), but just these two weeks I’ve known her, that’s how I genuine feel. I knew it the moment I’ve seen her. I was doing my job interview with my boss, Mrs. M., and she  Not only that, but a beautiful, strong, black woman. I honestly thought she was no more than 40 years old. Maybe even early-mid 40s if I wanted to push it. She told me that she was about to be 58 years old. I wanted to slap myself she’s the same age as my beautiful mother who looks younger than she does as well. Then again, she seem taken aback slightly that I was 27 years old so I don’t know if she thought I was younger, which happens to me a bit, or thought I was older because I personally think I’ve age a bit from the stress and depression I suffered from the past few years of my life. Not only does she look youthful, but she beautiful as well. Such vibrant melanin. She had a teen son of her own. Anyways, she’s very firm with her students. She gives them structure and have no time for games. When I first met her at the end of my interview, Mrs. M called her end before she went out for her lunch to meet me(she didn’t know she was getting a new assistant), she showed me her classroom and was grateful and called me a blessing as she was struggling with 15 young students when her last assistant unknowingly quit on her. As she was showing me her classroom, the way she spoke, I knew she was real (and very real she is and I love her for it). This wasn’t a woman about bullshit. I didn’t want to swear in this post, despite it being a second language to me lol, but I feel that was the only way to describe it at the moment. When we came down the stairs, my personal friend (Mrs. K), who was working there and put in the word for me for the job, saw us and told that this was a good woman (that weekend when I saw her after work she told me that she was the one that followed protocol and got shit done), said that I was going to work well with her and be use to her very direct personality (as I should used to it with years of my friend Mrs. K). I’m very glad to work with such a woman. Her firmness is not out of anger. She even gives a piece of candy and treats to those who pay attention and try. She takes her ob very seriously and want these children to go into Kindergarten prepared.She takes her job very seriously and want these children to learn.

With the new student, P, I immediately notice that the child had no boundaries. Not in a sense of personal space as one would think of lack of boundaries, but one of doing what she wanted. She’d ask a question but if you deny her, there would be an attitude. She didn’t understand that special privileges didn’t go the disruptive students. So this child was used to getting what she wanted simply for asking for it. She got up out her seat without raising her hand, got out of her seat, talking when she should be working, being disruptive during movie time and when I would try to correct her, I would be met with a sense of sneakingly (not so secretly) look disdain...

I could see it in her eyes. Every time. Everyday...

She was new so I would let some her minor actions slide. I figured that since she was new she hadn’t been presented with the structure of school so I tried to show her. The very first day though, other teachers had come up and tell us that she was a “problem” and considering her behavior on the very first day, Mrs. G and I already knew. Other teachers telling us about the behavior. Not disruptive behavior per-se, but having a in the lack of respecting authority in a that she can’t always get what she desires at that given moment. She’s going to do what she wants and she has a mouth to accompany it. She didn’t seem like a bad kid, just no structure of doing what was told...

Everyday this happened...

Thursday day comes around. She’s doing the same thing. Talking to other student when she’s supposed to be working (I try correct it), playing in the line when we’re going to lunch (music class, chapel, after care, ect), trying to force us to give her treats by confusing to ask us for it, ect. I firmly stand my ground (her desk is close to my so I have the most interactions with her) and Mrs. G certainly does. Since she was new, I tried to steer her in the direction. I wanted her to enjoy learning s well as coming to school, but i told her she had to ear those lollipops that she saw a couple of those classmates earning. She didn’t care. She just wanted a lollipop. I understood. I kinda have a child’s heart so understood wanting the lollipop. Unfortunately, everyday, throughout the day, she would ask for an unearned treat. Everyday, throughout the day, I’d have to explain it to her, that she hadn’t earned one...

On Thursday, the same thing occurred. The behavior, the disdained eyes, the asking for treats. As usual, I firmly said she couldn’t. After Care came around and I was lining up the children to go downstairs for their snack (which I did’t normally do as they ate their snacks upstairs outside to classroom). I told the kids as usually that I didn’t want them talking and paying in the hallway while they were lined up while I discussed something very briefly with Mrs. G. Now Mrs. G had given them their own water bottles for snack (which is not a usual occurrence as they can bring their own snacks and juice as well as use the water fountain when thirsty, with permission). I heard the sound of children misbehaving and I silently went out and without a word, I took away  new student, P, and another student (one who Mrs. G had warned me about that P had been constructing misbehavior with) water bottles because I saw them playing in the hallway. I try to be very firm about listening teaching about the students doing what they’re told by the teachers and other (like I said, I’ve might have developed a reputation already with the kids already. I’m addressed with manners and they know my name b like I also said, many of the to the point that I’ve already developed “teacher pets”, as in they always want to be helpful and tell me about their day and life as their friend despite my firmness them and beam up every morning I walk into class. Perhaps they see me as a big sister as the many children I’ve watched/taken care of before starting this job. Respect and Love)...

After I’d taken it, I was met with the disdain. At this point, I had a feeling what the “issue” was. I didn’t say anything because didn’t want to jump to conclusions. Especially me, considering I was the one working with her more than anyone else. I saw it. It was a feeling though...

After I took the children down for snack, P’s mother came to take her home. I smiled and waved and I do with all the parents. She took her daughter back upstairs to retrieve her belongings. I noticed that because I know Mrs. G talk to a lot of the parents to discuss what the children have been learning and sometimes specifically their child’s behavior if necessary. When P and her mother came back down, her mother confronted me. Not aggressively, but she certainly wanted to speak to me...

She said that P spoke of me bending her finger back. I told that it was not the case and all I’d only taken her water away. I could see that she seemed mildly concerned about her child and such an accusation but she was “calm”. Spoke of concern and her daughter being everything to her. I understand that. I have a niece. Despite the amount of noise with it merging into After Care or a language barrier of some sort, I hoped that an understanding was formed (my instincts told me that it wouldn’t but as usual, I ignored them, went about my evening working the hectic After Care). I’m not about to put my hands on someone’s child...

I walked in Friday, bright and early to finish my day and get finally get. This was a big deal for me. I’d looked a random horoscope about certain dates would affect me for the month of February. My Sun sign said that the 1st of Feb(and other dates) would be of importance. That was Thursday. Nothing significant happened besides the parental confrontation, which I joked about. My moon sign for the 2nd(and other dates) and joke the 2nd would be a significance (that is, if I went based on my Moon sign)...

Friday morning (early as usual), I walked into work, after clocking in (I’m finally in the system now), Mrs. M comes to me and asks me what happened with P. Clearly P’s mother had spoke to her that morning to tell her what happened as Mrs. M hadn’t said anything when I left work the night before. I explained myself taking the water bottle the day before. Apparently the mother told Mrs. M about the false story of me bending of finger. I haven’t laid a hand on this child. I wasn’t furious. I was more feeling a possible, oncoming headache. I was only in my second week of work and I was already in a mess. How? I literally walk around and try to keep the kids in line. I’ll punish them by making them stand up if they keep putting their feet in the seats or talking when they shouldn’t. By the time I get home, my voice is extra raspy and my feet hurt from it. I don’t touch them but it’s constant talking for me. But I go to bed and get up 2 and a half hours before I need to be to work (come in early) and do my job...

I was being accused of child abuse. Physical child abuse...

I’m scheduled for a meeting with P. her parent’s, my boss and myself for a meeting. Week 2. I was just wanting to get myself and kids through the day with learning and finally get my first check by the end of the day and prepare for the next week of work...

I go up to class and inform Mrs. G, as I’m her assistant, and she’s none the pleased. She’s well aware of the child’s behavior. Despite me having the most interactions with her than anyone else, Mrs. G was well aware of the child’s behavior from other staff members. Despite me only being at this job 2 weeks, she had spoken highly of me as her assistant, as well as other assistants. I handle the children very well and help her with her job. She tells me about how when the the mother brought her child up the day before and she was doing routine class/child report to her on how the child’s behavior was. P kept asking Mrs. G for a lollipop, despite her and myself constantly telling her “No”. Mrs. G is very adamant about not switching up because a parent is present. What she tells a child when the parent isn’t there is what she’ll tell when the parent is present. P was unaware of this and hoping for the best and got results she wasn’t expecting. While Mrs. G was working, P also had a habit of biting her nails. When she and her mother was upstairs with Mrs. G, that what she was doing. Mrs. G noted it in her mind because her mother told her to stop. I had personally noted that she chewed on her hair). When P was upstairs with her mother and Mrs. G, she first complained about her finger hurting and Mrs. G said it was a hangnail. She goes down to Mrs. M to tell her her thoughts on the situation...

Meeting time comes. I’m not worried. I knew I was going to speak the truth despite what the child said. I was not going to lose this job because of a child’s lies either. I stayed calm the whole time. We all sat down (P’s father was there as well and Mrs. M had already informed me that when he found out about “what happened” that he waned to pull the child from the school). He was adamant about his child not being a liar. He wasn’t aggressive or anything but I could tell he was the strong parent of the two, (after all, he was the one that wanted to pull her out of the school (honestly who wouldn’t if they thought their child was being abused) P continued with the story of the bent finger. I stood my ground about about me simply taking the water bottle away from her. As I observed P more as she speaks, I realize my instinct is most likely correct. I don’t think anyone else noticed it yet though. To the untrained eye, one would easily believe her. I probably would have if I wasn’t in the situation myself honestly. The mother claimed to seen an injury (said her finger was red when her daughter showed her the day before). As the discussion went on, I realized that not only was her mother had interviewed for a job (which I took major note of) and that that P had already attended preschool before (they had recently moved her from San Diego and we live in Northern Virginia). Eventually, P was giving herself away. She was smiling behind her hands while being questioned. I had told P that if I did hurt her, it was accidental (which was the truth) if my taking the water bottle away actually inured her finger. She stuck to her lies. She was very adamant about me purposely hurting her. Her parents knew that perhaps it was a misunderstanding, or that they wouldn’t have had a “case” and tried to get her “forgive”. P was very adamant saying “No” over and over. Eventually, a smile emerged as she answered.. I noticed the childlike grinning eventually even when her parents asked why she wouldn’t “forgive” and no longer wanted to attend the school. When her parent further questioned her on why, she said under her breath that because I’m black. Mrs. M, who is an older black woman, caught it too. Luckily, Mrs. M was very professional, but I hadn’t spoken another word during the rest of the meeting...

My suspicions were confirmed...

P’s parents were embarrassed. They knew we heard it. Finally, everyone else understood what the real issue was and it certainly wasn’t about accusations of me bending a child’s finger. Finally everyone had caught up to what I was already catching. P’s parents jumped to the conclusion that it was possible P’s sister (they weren’t exactly clear about this supposed sister of hers) may have had something to do with it. Mrs. M informed the parents about the hangnail incident the day before. As she calmly spoke about although their child being smart but lacked structure and why being in my class specifically would provide it from Mrs. G, I could hear P saying under her breath saying “Everyone’s here’s black” and “...all these black people...”. 

She’s 5 years old...

Her mother tried to shush her every time P would whisper a comment. Her parents said that they were going t talk to her over the weekend and bring her back Monday. The 2 saddest parts was that not only was this 5 year old in such a racist mindset (she learned that from somewhere, whether it was her parents, grandparents, ect) but the fact that I wasn’t too upset by it. The latter kind of bothered me more with the fact that I should have been more bothered by it. Maybe it was because as a black woman, despite racial hatred not being my personal everyday life, (I was more bothered that it happened only on my second week at work more than anything) I knew what to expect emerging into the world of adulthood and life in general. I just sat there at that table silently. There was nothing else for me to say...

But in the end. I didn’t really feel anything. I just went about my day and just continued to love. Told my mom during my lunch break what happened. Even laughed about how this could only happen to me on my second week on the job. Mrs. G, who was furious when I told her what happened, and I noted the irony that we’ve been learning Black History for weeks (since Martin Luther King’s birthday), including this past week with learning about Garrett Morgan & Lewis Latimer, (when I walked into class Friday morning). I went home and Google P’s name (something I had wanted to do a couple days before because I wasn’t sure of her ethnicity and didn’t want to get that wrong but hadn’t gotten around to it yet) and found out her name was Indian. Not Native American, but from India. I was thinking Pakistan originally (which she could certainly still be) but was certainly close enough. Most people had assumed white when I told this story. She wasn’t...

Racism isn’t simply black or white. Solidarity between people of color isn’t something that’s there a lot of the time. Whether this 5 year old girl learned her prejudice of black people from her parents, “sister”, or whomever, it’s unacceptable. At the end of the day, it is the life of a black person to have respect shown from others and fight on our side (despite wanting us to fight for them). Hopefully, if the parents do have the right mindset, can correct the young child’s racist way of thinking or this world will to continue to struggle in it’s change for the better...

[ash-lee-can]

Y’all I just made a rough draft on part of the instrumental for my possible Scott Gimple diss track. I might actually be getting serious about it now...

[ash-lee-can]

“straight people have never known what it’s like for their love to be illegal!” hey quick question have any of y’all ever heard of anti miscegenation laws in your life

[ash-lee-can]

This is how the golden age of piracy ended.

[ash-lee-can]

—when I tell y’all I am screaming—